One last chance
They walked towards the castle silently. When they left the Forest behind and that the school appeared in the distance, the same emotion that Harry had felt on the tiny boat in his first year seized his heart. Hogwarts was intact. His Home was safe.
Supra left them as soon as they crossed the giant entrance door. Harry had taken the precaution of applying the Disillusionment Charm in case he should meet those who had stayed inside the school. They quietly headed to the Headmaster office. Harry was physically exhausted, and his legs were starting to wobble dangerously under him. But as he thought he was about to fall, the helping arm of his Headmaster caught him in time. A warm feeling spread through him and with the support of Dumbledore, they made it to the office. Without a word, Dumbledore helped him towards one of the armchairs facing his desk and transfigured a hot pot of tea and biscuits. He didn't need to look twice to see that Harry had gone through several starvation period over the past weeks. And indeed, the boy was famished.
Instead of going behind his desk, as he would usually do, he seated in the second armchair facing Harry. He put his wand at its usual place on the desk and crossed his hands, waiting for Harry. They had all the time in the world, and no one would bother them tonight.
Harry finished his tea and straightened up in his chair until his head rest against it. It was so soft he could have fall asleep on the spot. But he had one last thing to do before resting. He looked at Dumbledore whose gaze had the same patience and gentleness as in the Forest. Harry took a deep breath and delicately put his Invisibility Cloak and the ring of Gaunt on the desk. As Harry's eyes lingered a few seconds on the ring, he didn't see Dumbledore freeze a little when he saw the three artefacts that were currently standing on his desk. The Headmaster closed his eyes briefly, pushing the temptation far away from him. He wouldn't fail Harry again. He would not break what little trust the boy still had in him. He turned his gaze back on Harry and was surprised to see him looking at the ring so intensely. But it wasn't envy he was seeing in the green eyes. There was a sad and tired veil covering their usual glimmer. Dumbledore realised Harry didn't know about the Deathly Hallows, this legendary Heritage from Death herself. The boy wasn't aware of the treasure he had carried all this time.
'There is so much I want to say,' finally said Harry. 'I don't even know where to start.' He turned his eyes back on Dumbledore. 'I am not proud of everything I did. But I regret nothing,' he added with defiance.
'It's alright Harry,' said Dumbledore with a soft voice. 'You don't have to say it all tonight…'
'I have to,' said Harry abruptly cutting him off. 'I need to.' His gaze was almost feverish. 'I need you to understand.'
He paused a few seconds and started his tale in the same fashion he had started every single one about his trials at Hogwarts over the past years. About how tiny little choices had led to bigger consequences. He talked about the loneliness he had felt in the beginning of the years. This the unbearable feeling of abandonment. This rampant sensation of being a prey, a small pawn in a giant game which rules he didn't know. This desire of fighting back that was being ignored. This thirst of vengeance against those who called him a liar that had been eating away at him, day after day.
And then, one night, he had ended in a place he thought he would never visit again. There, he had made an acquaintance he hadn't foreseen. He raised his forearm and pulled the sleeve, revealing the fine silver jewelry. The snake shone under the moonlight. Dumbledore nodded but didn't speak. Now wasn't the time for question. He knew he had to let Harry get everything out.
'I felt so alone then,' continued Harry with bright eyes. 'I didn't know what was happening, but I knew that I would face Him again one day. I needed to be ready, and I was left with the only choice of making a deal with Slytherin.'
He talked about those endless nights where he trained, sharpening his skills, discovering new ways of using magic. All this knowledge which had been offered to him in exchange of a life. Tom Riddle's life. He spoke about his doubts and the most unexpected help he had ever got in his life. The founder and his basilisk. A gift from Salazar that quickly became his friend.
Then, one fateful night, he had learned about the darkest secret of Lord Voldemort. His Horcruxes. He paused a few seconds to drink and to breath a bit. He remembered how powerless he had felt then.
'Why didn't you come to me?' Asked Dumbledore who couldn't help it.
'I thought about it,' replied Harry. 'Several times. But I had made a promise, and if I got you involved… I wasn't sure you would have really helped me.' His voice wavered, but he didn't stutter.
The revelation felt like a stab wound in Dumbledore's heart. He knew he had lost the boy's trust. He didn't know he had lost it so early.
'Besides,' said Harry with a tired voice, 'I had just attacked you then. I didn't trust myself around the members of the order or you.' He paused a few seconds and finally added. 'I think I just didn't trust myself at all.'
'This is why you left Hogwarts isn't it?' Asked Dumbledore. 'You didn't want me in your way.'
'To a certain extent,' said Harry decided to get to the bottom of the matter. 'After I attacked you, I felt ashamed of myself.'
'Harry there is no shame in…'
'In being possessed by Voldemort?' Finished Harry in an aggressive tone. 'You don't understand!' He shouted while standing up. He started to pace the room angrily. It was crucial Dumbledore understood his point. 'All I ever wanted was to be useful in a war I wasn't aware of. I just wanted to stop being a prey… a burden!'
'You've never been such things, Harry!' Tried to intervene Dumbledore.
'It doesn't matter what I was!' Shouted Harry back. 'I am talking about what I thought I was. I am trying to explain how I felt!' Tears of rage escaped his eyes and he wiped them angrily with his hand. 'I am not a traitor,' he added with a weak voice. 'I didn't flee. I didn't run away from Hogwarts or you.' His voice was almost a whisper. 'I never wanted to betray you.'
'Harry, I know you didn't,' said Dumbledore while standing up in his turn.
Harry looked at him suspiciously.
'In this room,' said Dumbledore with a low voice, 'there is only one person who betrayed the other. And this person is me, Harry.' The boy's wet eyes finally turned towards him. Something had lit up inside them. Something Dumbledore had thought he would never see again. 'I shouldn't have been a coward. I should have been there. If I had made better choices and if I hadn't tried to hide the truth, I could have helped you. You should have never been alone in this ordeal Harry. And that is on me and me alone.'
'You just wanted to spare me,' whispered Harry.
'I have a gift to come up with the most effective plans. Therefore, I have never let anyone in. I am not used to share my reasoning. Not since…' Dumbledore's voice faded out. Dumbledore sighed but when he spoke again, his voice was steady. 'I can now tell I was woefully short-sighted. And this is one of the many apologies I owe you Harry.'
They stood quiet a few seconds and Dumbledore watched his former student relax a bit and come back to sit.
'You said that the attack wasn't the entire reason you left,' finally said Dumbledore cautiously. 'Was it also because you discovered you were an Horcrux too?'
'How did you…' Started Harry.
'I still have a certain ability to think by myself,' replied Dumbledore with a small smile. 'You can't blame me for worrying about you all this time. I daresay I have elaborated many possibilities in the hope I could come for you in time. When you told me about the Horcruxes, one of them stood out. But when I finally understood it, it was too late.'
'And this is exactly why I told you nothing,' said Harry. 'I knew that you might try to come with me. And I feared that as soon as Voldemort would discover that I knew about his secret, he would come directly at Hogwarts. I couldn't abandon it. Hogwarts is Home. Always has been. So, I gave her the best possible defender.'
Dumbledore nodded, touched by the compliment.
'As for me,' continued Harry, 'I knew that because of my… condition, my chances of survival were very thin. I quickly figured that my options were limited. I would manage to save him and survive, or else I would die. Therefore, I needed to get rid of his Horcruxes. Should I fail, it would be only him.'
'And did you succeed?' Asked Dumbledore with a strange hint of hope in his voice. 'Did you manage to save him from his Fate?'
'In a way,' replied Harry with a small smile he couldn't help. 'I think that in the end, he found his peace.' Dumbledore looked at him with an interrogative look and Harry continued. 'When his Curse hit me, I first thought I died.'
He then described to Dumbledore the white place in had ended in. The monster under the bench and the strange man who had come to him.
'Voldemort?' Asked Dumbledore.
'Tom Riddle,' corrected Harry. 'As soon as he spoke to me, the creature was off my mind. We… talked a lot, him and I.' His gaze became distant. 'He said he wanted to ask his parents for forgiveness. So, I think that he finally let go of everything that made him Lord Voldemort. I don't know where he went after. But I chose to come back.'
The last words were almost bitter.
'Were there some reasons you would have preferred to stay in this place?' Asked the Headmaster who had noticed the glimpse of regret in Harry's voice.
Harry didn't answer immediately, remembering how Tom had convinced him to come back. That's when a question arose in his mind. A question that he should have asked himself earlier.
'Professor,' started Harry completely oblivious to his Headmaster's inquiry, 'why could I come back?'
'What do you mean?'
'Why did I get a choice? When I died, why did I end up in this place and why was I offered the possibility to come back?'
'Interesting questions,' replied Dumbledore smiling. 'Do you remember what happened in the graveyard in your fourth year when Pettigrew performed the ritual?'
Harry frowned while remembering this painful memory.
'He took my blood?' Asked Harry a bit unsure.
'Precisely,' said Dumbledore. 'He took your blood believing it would strengthen him. He took into his body a tiny part of the enchantment your mother laid upon you when she died for you. His body kept her sacrifice alive, and while that enchantment survived, so did you and so did Voldemort's one last hope for himself.'
'But his spell rebounded,' said Harry. 'He was hit by it directly after me. This doesn't work.'
'On the contrary Harry. Time is very mysterious thing as I once told you, but it is always accurate. Voldemort was alive when the curse hit you, and even if it hit him shortly after, the protection was up when you needed it.'
Harry remained silent while processing this. He had had been so lucky it was almost insolent. He wondered if he had deserved this chance. From the Courtyard, they heard a clamour of joy as an explosion of sparks lit up the sky. Harry slowly stood up and went by the window to observe it.
'Looks like you are going to be celebrated again,' said the peaceful voice coming from behind him.
'They think I am a hero like last time,' said Harry in a monotonous voice. 'And they are wrong again.' He turned towards Dumbledore who realised that Harry had never seemed so grown up as he did at that moment. 'I've never been one and never will be.'
Dumbledore joined Harry near the window to look at the sky in his turn. The sparks had almost disappeared.
'I can only guess the trials you may have gone through during the last months, Harry. Such a burden should not be that of a child.' He turned his gaze towards Harry. 'But you've never been one. You've been robbed of your childhood, and I'll never be sorry enough for this.'
'I know you are,' said Harry before the Headmaster could add anything else. 'But it doesn't change much, does it?'
The remark was cruel but deserved and almost stunned Dumbledore. Harry turned towards his Headmaster. He had layed his deepest thoughts in front of him and he had entrusted to him what he could never have entrusted to anyone else. He had made the first step towards trust by showing his vulnerabilities and taking the risk.
'Come on,' thought Harry, 'let me trust you like I used to.'
They looked at each other a few seconds without nothing happening. Dumbledore knew what the boy was waiting for, but Harry had managed to surprise him in a way it didn't was possible. Right now his thoughts were turned towards a distant memory. A hope that he had unconsciously nurtured. Harry observed his Headmaster who was deep in his thoughts and finally closed his eyes. So be it, he had done his part.
'You've never shown much of what you truly think or feel,' continued Harry with a blank voice. 'Tonight, I have seen more that in five years at Hogwarts, but you still won't let me in.' His eyes were locked on the azure ones. 'If there is one thing I have learned from all of this, is that people are not born the way they are, they are made.'
It was almost unnoticeable, but Harry saw it. In the depth of the blue eyes, something flinched. In this brilliant, secret mind, a wall fell. The Headmaster looked away but remained quiet. Harry waited a few minutes, and as he thought it had been all for nothing, Dumbledore's calm voice broke the silence.
'Once again I must ask to much of you, Harry, as I know how tired you are.'
'Not at all!' Replied quickly Harry with relief.
'So what do you say we take a little trip together?'
