Autumn had fallen in Hell (not that'd you really be able to tell). And it was the weekend meaning yep, time for the Harvest Moon Festival! As Millie said, it was the Wrath Ring's annual celebration of the fall harvest. There was food, carnival games, live entertainment, and an event known as the Pain Games. And with Charlie and company along with the Saints there, there's no way this could go wrong right? Just doing some advertising, maybe enjoy the food and entertainment? Hahaha-
WRONG.
The Hotel Staff and Vault Hunters had met up with Moxxie and Millie at the latter's parents' ranch. "Howdy! Glad y'all could make it! I was just about to introduce Mox n' the others my ma n' pa!" exclaimed Millie. The group walked up to a farmhouse, where a Millie's parents, Joe and Lin, stood waving excitedly. "Millie! How've ya been since ya got hitched and moved out into the city!?" said Joe as he embraced Millie in a bear hug. "It's been great! Pa, I'd like to introduce you to my husband, Moxxie." Joe turned to Krieg, mistaking him for Millie's husband. "Ya picked yer-self a real winner, Millie! Guy looks like he could bench-press a whole damn tank!" "Uhhhh, Pa, that's Krieg. Moxxie's the one to the left." Joe then turned to see Moxxie, who was struggling to drag a large suitcase behind him. "Oh..." said Joe, disappointed.
"Guys, this here's my sister, Sallie." "So, yer the folks Millie's been pallin' around with?" Sallie May then turned to see Salvador cleaning one of his many guns. "That there's a damn beautiful gun ya got there." "Oh, this? It's not anything too impressive. Just a shotgun once wielded by one of Pandora's most infamous warlords." replied Sal. "By Satan, that is hot." "Millie?" asked Lin. "You mind explainin' what Lucifer's daughter is doing here?" She pointed towards Charlie, who was giving some pigs belly rubs. "All I can say is that I've been making a lot of weird friends lately."
"You met our new farmhand?" asked Joe. As if on cue, a snake-like imp riding a flaming steed jumped the fence. The burning horse came to a halt, and the imp jumped off. "Greetin's and salutations. Name's Striker." Almost everyone present save Millie's parents and Blitzo gave him immensely suspicious looks. Torgue then spoke up:"IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES THIS GUY SEEM LIKE HE'S GONNA BETRAY THE F@& OUT OF US!?"
Later, at the festival grounds, Pierce and the Saints had set up a merch booth, where his line of Saints Row cowboy getup was selling surprisingly well. "GALVANIZED GREETINGS, PURPLE PRANCERS!!!" "How you liking the Festival, y'all?" Millie asked the Saints. "Considering it's the Wrath Ring, I'm betting there'll be some violence to break up the boredom soon." replied Johnny Gat. Pierce leaned out of the merch booth. "I mean, we've been getting funny looks since we got here, but I'm betting being the only humans here'll do that." "It's just a shame I ain't allowed to compete in this year's Pain Games..." lamented Millie. "Pain Games!? That sounds awesome!" exclaimed Salvador. "It is! It's a big ol' no-holds-barred brawl-". As Millie described the Pain Games, the Vault Hunters and Saints, as well as Angel Dust, began excitedly pulling out weapons of varying lethality, ranging from machine guns and swords to missile launchers and chainsaws. "... sadly, killing ain't allowed." finished Millie. The comedic sociopaths disappointedly put their weapons away.
LATER THAT DAY:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, this year's Pain Games champions, Blitzo and Striker!" announced Stolas as the 2 imps stood triumphant. "BOOOOORRRRRRRIIIIING!" shouted Torgue from the bleachers, everyone turning to look at him. "YOU GUYS CALL THAT PAIN!? THAT WASN'T FIGHTING, THAT WAS PUSHING EACH OTHER AROUND IN MUD! THERE WASN'T EVEN A SINGLE EXPLOSION!!!" "Like you could do better!" yelled Joe from across the makeshift arena. Wordlessly, Torgue jumped from his seat, hopped onto a conveniently placed motorcycle, and drove off. Elsewhere in the Wrath Ring, a construction crew was on break when they saw a shirtless man on a motorcycle heading towards them. "HEY, YOU!" shouted Torgue to the construction imps. "Whaddya want, pal? We're on break." "I'LL PAY YOU AN ABSOLUTE S@!LOAD OF MONEY TO BUILD AN UNNECESSARILY LARGE STADIUM WHERE THEY'RE HOSTING THE HARVEST FESTIVAL!!!" Torgue then laid down a mountain of cash in front of the workers. "Uhhhh, we'll get right onnit, dontcha worry." said the foreman in total shock. "HEY BOYS, LOAD THE STUFF UP, WE GOT A STADIUM TO BUILD!"
As everyone began wondering just where Torgue went, a motorcycle flanked by legions of construction vehicles appeared on the horizon. One construction montage later, and the various imps, Saints, Vault Hunters, Hotel Staff, and other riffraff were no longer sitting in wooden bleachers around a fenced off square, but were now inside a giant arena that'd put Michigan Stadium to shame. "YOU PEOPLE WANT PAIN!? I'LL SHOW YOU PAIN!!!" shouted Torgue, standing on a platform bearing his company's logo. Pyrotechnics flared and loud rock music roared. "WELCOME! TO THE 76TH ANNUAL TORGUE BADASS TOURNAMENT!!!"
The newly-built Torgue Arena had everything one could look for in a stadium, such as concession stands, functional AC, cushioned seats, and of course, a commentator booth. In that booth sat a portly man in a green suit, and a muscular man in a pink t-shirt with shades and a black flat top. "Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the 76th Annual Torgue Badass Tournament! What an event this'll be, eh, Bobby?" "You said it, Zach! Tonight's festivities promise ultraviolence, gore, and as to be expected with Mr. Torgue, lots and lots of explosions!" "I just can't wait! This is almost as exciting as when we provided commentary for Genkibowl VII! Though I will admit, Mr. Torgue is a much better host than Professor Genki. I heard he once had someone sent to a Siberian prison camp because they looked him in the eye too long!" "Yeah, well hopefully the good professor ain't watching this! Anyway, with us today, we have special guest commentary courtesy of Prince Stolas!" Stolas sat between Zach and Bobby, smiling. "It's a pleasure to be here, gentlemen, though I must say, don't you think Mr. Torgue may have overdone it with the massive arena and all?" "Mr. Torgue never half-asses anything, Stolas." replied Bobby. "How did you two even get here anyway?" "We...uhhhh... How did we get here, Bobby?" "I'unno, ya got me, Zach. By all accounts it doesn't make any sense."
"HEY, BIRD-GUY!!" shouted Mr. Torgue as he walked into the booth. "MIND IF I BORROW THIS!?" Torgue then grabbed the Grimoire from Stolas and ran out. "Say, Stolas, what's that book Torgue just took from you?" asked Zach. "That was my Grimoire! It contains all sorts of dark incantations and magics." "Well, only God knows just what the hell Mr. Torgue's planning to do with it." remarked Bobby.
Torgue ran back to the platform, with a microphone in hand. "ALRIGHT, PEOPLE!! WE'VE ALREADY GOT LOTS OF CONTESTANTS SIGNED UP TO SEE IF THEY'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO SEE IF THEY'RE THIS YEAR'S NUMBER 1 BADASS!!! BUT I'M THINKING WE KICK THINGS UP A NOTCH THIS TIME!!" Torgue then opened the Grimoire and recited an incantation, and 2 massive portals opened. Out of one emerged an army of people in spiky gold and red armor, led by the biker leader whose arms got ripped off by Krieg in a previous chapter. Now with robotic replacements, he led the army in a war chant of: "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!" Out of the other portal came a horde of large, green, ugly brutes, known across the universe as the Orkz. They all wore improvised armor made of scrap metal, covered in red and checkered-flag patterns. They were all carrying massive firearms, as well as other odd weapons, such as hammers with missiles in place of the head. Their leader, an even larger brute with a cybernetic claw in place of his right hand, raised his weapon and along with the rest of "da boyz", cried out: "WAAAAAAGH!!!!"
Meanwhile, Krieg, Millie, Gaige, and Johnny Gat were in a locker room, warming themselves up for the upcoming carnage. "Well, then. May the biggest badass win." said Johnny as he and the others went to the starting area. "3! 2! 1! START MURDERING THE EVER-LOVING F@?& OUTTA EACH OTHER!!!" Orks, Khornate Berserkers, and Wrath Imps clashed in comically bloody combat.
Millie mowed through hordes of Khornates, before coming face to face with a Warboss. "YOU'Z FINK YOU KAN TAKE ME, YA RUNTY GIT!? I'LL STOMP YA FLAT!!" Just as he finished that sentence, the Warboss suddenly found himself without a head.
Elsewhere in the arena, Krieg and Gat were having the time of their lives, firing off rounds and cleaving foes like there was no tomorrow. Krieg was tackled by the Khornate Biker leader, who was still immensely salty about his arms. "REMEMBER ME, ASSHOLE!? I'LL MAKE YA PAY FOR TEARIN' MY ARMS OFF!!" In a severe example of deja vu, one of his robotic arms was suddenly sliced off by Gat, wielding a sword taken from a fallen opponent. "DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN!" cried the biker leader as Krieg got back up and tore the other off. "YOU ASSHOLES THINK I'M DONE FIGHTING!?" "We'd like to think that." replied Gat. "HAH, THIS IS JUST A FLESH WOUND!" taunted the leader. "Whaddya mean, 'just a flesh wound'!? You ain't got no fuckin' arms!"
As if to continue defying any sense of logic and decency, the biker leader proceeded to kick Johnny in the family jewels. As Johnny knelt down in immense pain, Krieg decided it was finally time to shut this guy up. "SILENCE THE PITIFUL PYTHON!!" screamed Krieg as he kicked the leader in the face. The biker leader attempted to get back up, only to realize that you kinda need arms for that. Krieg grabbed the leader's head and began yanking. In his final moments, the biker leader recited one last prayer to his infernal god, Khorne. "IF I AM TO DIE, I DO SO IN YOUR NAME, O GLORIOUS GOD OF FURY AND BLOO-" RRRRIIIIPP!!! Krieg stood, holding the biker leader's severed head, spine and all. The crowd roared in excitement. "By the great gods of Olympus! Did you see that, Bobby!?" "That has to be one of tonight's most spectacular displays of brutality!"
SEVERAL HOURS OF VIOLENCE TOO FUCKED UP AND DEPRAVED TO DESCRIBE IN DETAIL LATER:
The Torgue Arena was covered in blood and viscera, with all but two of the Badass Tournament contestants having either died, fled, or otherwise rendered unable to compete. Krieg and Millie stared each other down, circling the center of the arena. "What a turn of events! Friend against Friend! Vault Hunter vs. Freelance Assassin! Who do you think's gonna win this one, Bobby? Krieg or Millie?" "Judging from their respective performances tonight, Zach, I say it could go either way!"
"I'll try not to hurt ya too much, big guy." "HAHAHA!! IT IS TIME TO BLEED!!!" The two berserkers charged at each other, axes readied. Eyes were bruised, wounds opened, bleeding. After many hours, the two gladiators, exhausted, prepared their weapons for a final blow. They then proceeded to collapse from the aforementioned exhaustion. Krieg fell flat on his face, while Millie was able to prop herself up with her axe. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE OUR NUMBER ONE BADASS!!!!" screamed Mr. Torgue across the stadium. The crowd roared in excitement, throwing flowers and money into the arena.
"What a spectacular event of carnage and mass destruction that was, eh, Bobby?" "You bet your ass it was spectacular, Zach! That final showdown between Krieg and Millie is gonna be a story passed down for generations!" Millie, now standing on a podium, basked in the glory of being the Number One Badass. Mr. Torgue then came next to her, microphone in hand. "SO, MILLIE, HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE THE OFFICIAL NUMBER ONE BADASS!?" "I haven't felt this happy since Mox and I got hitched!" "ALSO, DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU DETHRONED THE REIGNING BADASS TOURNAMENT CHAMPION!?" "Wait, what?" Millie saw Krieg, now awake, walking towards her. Suddenly, he pulled out a massive trophy and plopped it in front of her. It bore the Torgue logo, with a mushroom cloud coming out of the cup part. Krieg then lifted Millie onto his shoulders, escorting her to where her family and their friends were sitting. "SHE IS THE TRUE TENDERIZER! THE SHINING DIAMOND OF DEATH! A TRIBUTE TO TOTAL DESTRUCTION!!!"
Millie dropped from Krieg's shoulders and embraced Moxxie in a hug. "Well I'll be! My lil' girl's the toughest nut of 'em all!" yelled Joe in excitement. "Say, where's Sallie n' Blitzo?" asked Millie, noticing the absence of her sister and her employer. "Sallie went with the angry-gun-dwarf-guy to the concessions. I'unno where Blitzo is, probably bonestorming Stolas or something." said Loona, as the author realized they hadn't given her dialogue in a while, and figured this would be a good place to put it.
Meanwhile, Salvador and Sallie May were coming leaving a concession stand with a criminal amount of nachos (possibly because they robbed the guy running the stand at gunpoint.). "Say, if you're up for it, I can bring ya back to the ranch, show ya a few moves." suggested Sallie, flirtatiously. "I think I'll take up that offer, señorita!" said Sal, snickering deviously. They continued on their way, until they passed a broom closet, where they heard panicked mumbling. "The hell's that noise?" asked Sal as he opened it. To his and Sallie's surprise, inside was Blitzo, bound and gagged. "MMMPH MMPH RRRGGH!!!" "Lemme get that tape offa your mouth." Sallie ripped the tape from Blitzo's lips. "STRIKER! THAT BASTARD'S GONNA KILL STOLAS!" The trio looked up to see Striker, the new "farmhand" from earlier, on an above floor of the stadium, readying a fancy-looking sniper rifle towards Stolas.
Striker looked down the scope of the angelic rifle, focused on Stolas. "Good night, sweet prince..." Suddenly, the rifle was kicked out of his hands by Sallie May. Sal then proceeded to tackle him off the balcony and into the arena. "You're gonna suffer for that, vermin!" said Striker as he got back up. Before he could make good on this threat, Salvador uppercutted him into the air, and pulled out a pair of Vladof Shredifiers. "GUUUUUNNNZEEEERRRRKEEEERRRRR!!!!" screamed Sal as he squeezed the triggers. Lead flew up into the air and through the airborne Striker. Impish blood rained down into the arena. Eventually, Sal stopped firing, and the smoking mass of flesh that was once Striker fell to the ground with a splat.
Everyone present looked on wordlessly, until Torgue spoke up. "HOLY S! , YOU F&@ING KILLED HIM, DUDE!"
LATER, BACK AT MILLIE'S FAMILY'S RANCH:
Millie, Moxxie, Blitzo, and the various Vault Hunters and Saints were all cramped inside the house. "Millie, it's great you won that whole tourney and all, but was it really necessary for your friends to MURDER OUR FARMHAND!?" shouted Joe, clearly angry about Salvador reducing Striker to his base atoms. "Hey, that slithery son of a bitch was about to kill Stolas!" retorted Blitzo. "Just ask the short guy and Millie's sister!" At that precise moment, Salvador and Sallie came walking out of the latter's room. Sallie was wearing Sal's shirt, which, due to Sal's width compared to hers, looked like a poncho on her. "Guess you could say that was the one part of me the steroids didn't stunt, eh?" "I haven't known a man that good with his hands in ages!" They then came to a stop, realizing everyone in the room was looking at them. "Oh! Guess we picked a bad time to come out." remarked Sallie. "Tell them how Striker was about to kill Stolas!" yelled Blitzo at the two. "Yeah, Striker was about to shoot the owl guy, so I kicked that weird-ass gun outta his hands." "Then I threw him down to the ground and gave him a lead sandwich, courtesy of these babies!" Sal pulled out the Shredifiers from earlier. "Please don't fire those in our house." sighed Lin with her fingers on where the bridge of her nose would be, if imps actually had noses. "Sorry, ma'am." apologized Sal as he put the rifles away.
Joe was even angrier than before, looking red, even for an imp. "FIRST MY FARMHAND'S DEAD! NOW MY OTHER DAUGHTER'S BEIN' PLOWED BY A MAN SHORTER THAN SHE IS!!" "Actually, Sallie here plowed me some, too." said Sal with a devious smirk. "AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!" roared Joe, who flew into a blind rage, and began throwing furniture. "Y'all should probably leave." said Lin as she tried to calm her husband. The imps, Hotel Staff, Saints, and Vault Hunters heeded Lin's advice and quickly ran out the front door and to the vans in which they came.
During the drive back to the Pride Ring, Axton noticed that Charlie had an extremely worried look on her face. "What's the matter, Charlie? You're looking a bit mortified." "Is this what all humans are like? Bloodthirsty sociopaths who applaud mass slaughter?" "Well, I can't really speak for Earth, but Pandora's a real shitshow. Bandit hordes, greedy, militaristic corporations..." said Salvador, who was able to bring Sallie May along with him. "Sal, please don't..." pleaded Axton. "I mean, there are good people on Pandora, but most of them tend to have body counts as large as ours." remarked Gaige from elsewhere in the van. "Goddammit, you two aren't helping!" The vans finally pulled up to the Happy Hotel. "If you'll please excuse me, I need some time to myself." said Charlie as she went upstairs to her and Vaggie's room. As Krieg watched, his sane personality began ruminating over the current situation. "Wonderful, now Charlie's view of redeeming people's probably just been shattered. Hmmm, maybe if we introduce her to the guys back at Sanctuary, maybe we can fix this."
ELSEWHERE IN THE RING OF PRIDE, AT A PARTY HOSTED BY THE OVERLORDS:
"What do you mean, he's dead!?" screamed Stella into her phone. As she angrily hung up, she was approached by Handsome Jack and Vox. "Pardon my phrasing, but what's got your feathers ruffled, beautiful?" inquired Jack. "The assassin I've sent after my cheating prick of a husband just died to some midget with a mohawk!" "Wait a minute, how was your assassin killed?" "I was told the midget punched him into the air and shot him to death with a pair of machine guns." Jack then realized just who Stella was talking about. "Y'know, I have a little history with that midget and his friends." "Do you, now? What were you? Bedmates?" "He and that meathead that's been following Lucifer's daughter everywhere are the bastards who killed me!" "Well, that explains why you spazzed out over that guy."remarked Vox.
"Say, sweet thing, I never caught your name." said Jack. "You can call me Stella." "Well, Miss Stella, I was thinking we could work out a little arrangement. I help you kill Stolas, you help me with the Vault Hunters." "I like that sound of that!" said Stella. Jack snapped his fingers. "Garçon! The finest wine you've got! Stat!" Jack and Stella clinked their wine glasses against one another. "Baby, by the time Stolas and those bandits are dead, we'll be ruling this whole damn realm!"
