I've just seen a ghost
The memories I hate the most
Reflections I feel
Were something I forgot were real
A little view of the past
I promise all of this is not gonna last


The next few days after my birthday were calm. Between school and working for Esme, I rarely got time to complain about being a teenager again, it was weird, being eighteen again. Sure, I had been here for almost an entire year now, but sometimes mornings were hard, especially when it took me a couple of seconds to realize where I was and what was my life now. I was glad it was Saturday, I pulled my hair up in a messy bun before heading down to make something for breakfast, Charlie was not home, having left for work earlier and I helped myself to some cereal while I made a mental grocery list, I could probably hit the supermarket after my work with Esme. I was actually looking forward to working with Esme today, we were finally going to start painting and I was excited to see which colors Esme had finally settled on.

A honk resounded through the house as I finished doing the dishes, I dried my hands quickly and grabbed my jacket and bag on my way out, catching my reflection on the windows of my car in cringed inwardly as I realized how young I looked without my usual makeup, I slid on my sunglasses and sighed as I got in Esme's car.

"Rough night?" Esme asked as soon as I settled.

I chuckled and shook my head, "just the impending realization that I am a teenager hitting me hard again, it's annoying."

Esme hummed as she started the car, "it can't be easy," she agreed, "what did you do, back in your old life?"

I smiled at her, "I was the Attorney General of the State of Florida and I had worked briefly for the United Nations holding an office in Geneva."

"Oh?" Esme asked, surprised, "that explains a few things about you, no doubt is frustrating."

"Very much so, going back to being a teenager, to have parental supervision and don't get me wrong, Charlie's a great dad and Bella, before she, I, whatever, she was not a good daughter to him, not really," I said softly.

"But you're doing better, it is easy to see how much you love Charlie," Esme said as she drove, her gaze on the road.

"I'm trying, it is easy to be this new person with him, sometimes I feel a little like an impostor, living this life in lieu of the person that I was before all the weirdness started because since I woke up in that plane I haven't been completely Bella, but I'm far from being the person that Alex was," I said as I frowned.

"I suppose that it is different from vampirism, but if it helps, I am not really the same Esme that jumped from that cliff either, vampire venom tends to eat through most of your memories, they're still there, somehow, but you don't feel attached to them, it was liberating," Esme explained.

"That would be amazing, honestly, being Bella is daunting sometimes, she's rather well liked in school, has many friends and yeah sure, town's small but when I was Alex, my teenage years were quite different and I was not as liked nor as outspoken as I am now," I told her, a sad smile on my face.

"Truly?" Esme asked, surprise coloring her voice, "it is hard trying to imagine you as a quiet young woman."

I laughed and shook my head, "I was very shy and naive to a fault, I grew up in a very sheltered home, my parents, Alex's parents, they were very controlling and they were part of the 'high class society' so I was expected to act properly at all times, no matter where I went, I was always singled out due to my family name or my physical likeness to them."

"Not unlike Rose then?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, but without the marriage proposals, I've always been very independent and as soon as I grew up I let it be known that I was not going to be pressured into a marriage to appease society, also I had terrible luck in love," I said as I fiddled with my hands and kept my gaze on the green scenery of Forks.

"You told me about Jake," Esme said softly.

"There was also Charles, Dan and Gilbert, it's funny, Charles was the high school sweetheart, everyone thought we were meant to be together until we were not and I had to build up myself from zero because I found myself being nothing without him, then there's was Dan, charming Dan but we started out keeping secrets, mostly from his sister who was my friend, none of us wanted to deal with that, fun while it lasted but meant to go nowhere and Gilbert was the one who got away, moved to europe to study, met a girl, go married and lived happily ever after while I met Jake and the bastard, as you know tried to use me, I wanted it to work so bad and when it didn't I took my vacation leave with my best friend, we went to Brazil and we know how that ended," I muttered fighting back the pesky tears that threatened to fall.

"Oh, sweetheart," Esme said, I hadn't noticed when she had stopped the car to pull me into a hug as I cried out all the things that I had managed to keep bottled in, "it's okay, let it out, let it all out."

"I just, I don't know who I am anymore, Alex is dead and I was her for so long, but Bella is here and it is all wrong, I am wrong," I cried as Esme hugged me tighter.

"Isabella?" Esme asked, "do you want to know what I see when I look at you?"

I nodded at her.

"I see a strong young woman who has been through many things and despite the shock and the weirdness of it, she has managed to make the best of it, to love her family and her friends and sure, it won't be hard, many days you'll feel as you do today, torn between Alex and Bella, and in those days you can just decide to be Isabella, neither or the other, but someone completely new and that is completely valid," Esme assured me.

Eventually we ended up in Port Angeles, Esme had explained to me that she had directed the team to paint the new house white with black and gold accents and she had promised that we were going to see it once we returned, but first she wanted to make sure that I was okay. We walked around the town, through the small pier and observed the ships as they came and went. By the time she drove us back to Forks, I was feeling a little like myself again and I realized that Esme had probably planned the entire thing in advance as I had been going off a tangent lately. I couldn't help but to feel grateful for her and the fact that Esme cared enough to arrange a day for us two to enjoy.

"I'm not going home?" I asked as Esme took the entrance to the Cullen house.

"Not just yet, I figured that you could do with a warm homemade dinner after today," she told me with a soft smile, "only Carlisle should be home today, the 'kids' are visiting Denali for the weekend."

"Oh," I said softly, "Please do tell me that they didn't leave because of me."

"Oh no, Isabella, they all love you," Esme was quick to assure me, "but they also know that you need your own space to sort through your things and that despite the fact that you look like an eighteen year old, you're a little older than that, and unlike them, you were not frozen at your age but somehow regressed to a very stressful state, they are worried about you, Isabella."

I hugged myself, tightening my jacket around me, Esme was right, of course, I was not eighteen, but to a degree I was, I had all the hormones and all the issues that came with being eighteen again, I looked at her, trying to put all the gratefulness that I felt into my gaze, Esme smiled at me.

"It's gonna be okay, we'll be there for you, always," she told me.

I smiled, "I mean, you're immortal, I'd expect you to be."

"Of course, Isabella," she said.

"You know, you can call me Issy."


a/n. a little reminder to check the song that this chapter is named after ;)