I have no excuse for how late this is except for the fact that I have anxiety and depression.


Oh, Ophelia

You've been on my mind girl since the flood.

Oh, Ophelia

Heaven helps a fool who falls in love.

I moved a little so that Carlisle could sit next to me. In the months that I knew him, we had never been so awkward around one another. It had always been playful banter and even deep conversations about topics that we both found interesting. This was, however, a new uncharted territory for me.

"So," I said, casting a sideways glance towards Carlisle, who seemed to be doing his best impression of a statue.

"So," he repeated automatically.

"If we don't get back to Forks with this resolved, they're going to attempt something again," I said, crossing my arms and leaning back, looking upwards.

The sky was overcast, dark grey clouds peeking through the heavy foliage. I heard Carlisle sigh. I wouldn't put it past Emmett and Rosalie to attempt to lock me and Carlisle somewhere if this didn't go well. Stranding me in Canada was just a step below it.

"I suppose that we should talk about it," Carlisle said after a while.

"What is there to talk about?" I asked, keeping my gaze upwards, "We were having a heated conversation, things got out of hand, we kissed, if anything I should apologize."

"Apologize?" Carlisle asked.

I looked at him, he was frowning at me, I shrugged.

"I said a few things that were a little out of hand, and I was about to slap you," I explained myself, "I shouldn't have, especially not after you had helped me."

"I was out of line too," Carlisle admitted, and then softly added, "I do not think you're selfish or particularly reckless."

I blinked, "do you actually remember the entire conversation?"

"Perfect recall," he reminded me, a sad smile on his face.

"Right, creepy vampire thing," I said, looking away from him, "if it's worth anything, and I think I've told you before, I do hold a great amount of respect and admiration for you and what you do, and you're actually a really good dad or leader or whatever it is that you vampires call it."

"I believe I do see you with a great amount of respect, Isabella," he said softly, "and I do not hold what you said to me that morning against you."

"Thanks, and just for the record, I don't either," I looked down to my boots, suddenly unable to try and meet his gaze, "I was just angry and, hell, I've been feeling so torn and confused, Esme is basically my therapist at this point, I don't know how to deal with it most days, last year by this time I was a completely different person with a full time job, my own place and my own set of problems."

"It is completely okay to not feel okay, what happened to you it's not common, it is not the natural order of things," Carlisle said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"So says the vegetarian vampire," I said, finally looking up and meeting his eyes, "but you're right and even though it is hard and confusing and I'm probably going to have my bad days, I can say with certainty that I wouldn't change it."

"You wouldn't?"

"No, not really, as much as I like to make myself believe otherwise, Alex's life was not perfect, far from it actually and being Isabella gave me a second chance, I miss many things about my old life, yes, and I'm probably still mourning the loss of it, I mean, I never got closure, but I have you now, and by you I mean your family, the Denalis, the wolf pack, even Charlie," I said softly, leaning on Carlisle's shoulder, "When I was Alex, I never felt as if I was enough, I was never enough to my parents, they were always asking more of me, always pushing and demanding and they used my own emotions against me, the gaslighting, the leftover trauma, the trip to brazil was supposed to be a celebration of me finally liberating myself from my toxic family, finally taking the reins of my life away from their manipulations."

Carlisle wrapped an arm around my shoulders and gave it a little squeeze.

"In some ways, I understand Rose more than anyone else in the world, because sometimes my parents didn't see me as a person, I was just something that they could brag about to their friends, Rose had her beauty, I had both the beauty and the brains to go with it, but also that rebel streak to get me in trouble," I smiled sadly, feeling my eyes filling with tears, "in change, Charlie Swan doesn't care what I do with my life, he just cares that I am his kid, and he's proud of that and that is enough for him, all I ever was for Alexander Noir was a letter on my grade's report or my GPA during my uni years, then a title and so on, to Rosemarie Noir, I was mostly the ungrateful daughter, selfish, always doing things for myself, and so, since it was all she thought of me, I learned to embrace it."

I wiped the tears running down my face angrily. I hadn't been Alexandra for over ten months and yet here she was haunting my new life. In some ways, I hated the person that I had been. I had been weak, so weak. Unable to walk away until the last moment. I had always projected, I had created an alter ego with an overly inflated sense of being, because Alexandra Noir was always right, she was cool, she always kept her head. She was an Ice Queen. But also, Alexandra Noir was a scared traumatized child that was begging for scraps of attention from a pair of parents that varied between building her up in front of their peers and tearing her down behind closed doors.

"I never wanted any of it, you know?" I said, suddenly very conscious that I was sobbing, "I was just a little girl, I didn't care for riches or material things, I just wanted my parents to tell me that I was enough, that they loved me as I was, that I was their kid, I wanted them to share the joy of my dreams and passions, but no, all I got was a spinster with very old-fashioned, conservative morals for a nanny and a jealous younger brother that could do no wrong because he was 'the man' of the family, even when I was the one with the six figure paying job I was left playing second fiddle to an asshole that lived in my parent's basement whose favorite pastime was to disrespect women on the internet, it wasn't fair."

Carlisle pulled me onto his lap as I went on with my rant, he held me tightly against him as I cried and let out everything that had ever bothered Alexandra Noir until just Isabella Swan remained. He handed me a handkerchief and for a second I was confused that he was even carrying one, the confusion led to the realization that I was seated on his lap and had been crying about a life lost for the past half an hour or so.

"Isabella?" Carlisle asked softly, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"I just wanted to be enough, to be worth it, I just wanted to make them proud, why wasn't I ever enough?"

"Alexandra."

I probably looked a mess, because Carlisle's handkerchief had been stained black due to my mascara. Regardless of how I looked, I looked at him, meeting his gaze with mine.

"I'm sorry," I said suddenly, "about the things I said, about this, about the kiss, about going to that party and getting drugged and calling you in the middle of the night."

"Isabella," Carlisle said once more.

"I shouldn't have said those things about you, Carlisle, I'm sorr-."

A cold pair of lips was pressed against mine and I closed my eyes and allowed myself to let go and just go with it. I didn't want to think about it, I had done enough thinking already. I placed a hand on Carlisle's neck, fingers brushing against his hair. He pulled away first, pressing his cold forehead against mine. I opened my eyes slowly, Carlisle's eyes had darkened a little. My hand moved until I was cupping his cheek.

"You're enough," he said softly, "Isabella, Alexandra, whoever you are at this moment, you're more than enough and you're worth it and it's their own loss that they couldn't see or appreciate the amazing woman that they had with them, and I can assure you, I am proud of you, of how you've handled this situation, you died, you remembered an entire past life and yet you continue to move forward, you're a wonderful daughter to Charlie, a great friend to my family, you even mended the bridges between my family and the tribe, and I'm also sorry for what I said to you, you are fucking amazing, Isabella, and any fool would be incredibly lucky to have you even gaze their way."

I pressed my lips against Carlisle's hoping to convey all my gratitude for his words into the kiss. He kissed me back softly almost reverently. It was easy to get lost in the sensations of it, the butterflies in my stomach. The way that he felt cold against me despite the fact that we were both wearing several layers of clothes. I pulled away this time, my need to breathe greater than my urge to continue kissing the man in front of me.

Carlisle was smiling, looking incredibly perfect and gorgeous as he always did. Everything else around us paled in comparison to him.

"Thank you," I whispered, knowing that he'd be able to hear me.

His smile widened and I could see the twenty six year old in him. There was something inherently youthful about his joy and I was glad that I was the only person that was being graced with it. In that moment I realized that I could easily see myself falling in love with Carlisle Cullen. I could see our entire lives ahead of us, so real I could almost taste it. For a second I wished that we could stay in this moment forever. Not having to return to Forks, just be Carlisle and Isabella in our little corner of the world.

The run back to Forks helped me get most of my emotions under check, the last thing that I needed to do was to overwhelm Jasper. Carlisle stopped running two miles away from the house and gently set me down.

"Ready to face the music?" Carlisle asked me softly.

"Not really," I chuckled, "but I've never been one to hide either."

Carlisle smiled and offered me his hand. I looked at him and smiled back at him before taking it, interlocking my fingers with his.

"Together then," he said.

At that moment I felt that an unspoken agreement had gone between us. Whereas I was Isabella Swan or Alexandra Noir, Carlisle Cullen had my back and I realized that I wouldn't have had it any other way.

We walked towards the house in silence. The sun still tried to peek between the clouds of Forks, so it was probably not that late and knowing that Charlie was going to be working late, I was in no hurry to get home. My car was parked in front of the house, we walked past it and made it inside.

The Cullens were all waiting for us in the living room. Alice took one look at our joined hands and squealed happily while Esme stood from her chair and cupped my face in her hands, possibly noticing my messed up makeup. She pulled me into a tight hug and I let go of Carlisle just so that I could hug her back. Esme gave the best hugs.

I could feel my turbulent emotions bubbling up again as I held onto Esme.

"It's going to be okay, Isabella," Esme said softly as she let go of me.

Tears were running down my face again, I nodded at her, "I have no words to tell you how grateful I am for your presence in my life, Esme."

"You don't need to have them, I know, sweetheart," she assured me.

I nodded, then I looked at Jasper and Edward, the two of them were sharing the couch with Alice while Rosalie and Emmett sat on the loveseat. I felt a wave of peace and affection coming from Jasper and I smiled at him as I wiped away my tears.

"You're both assholes," I told them, "but I guess I signed up for it when I decided to ignore my survival instinct and befriend you."

"Hey, how about me?" Emmett asked, not wanting to be left out.

I grinned at him, "I love you too, Em, your wife's hotter than you though."

"Damn right," he laughed.

I looked at Rosalie then, she was smiling but I could also see that she was a little bothered by this new development.

"Speak now, Hale, or forever hold your peace," I told her.

"I am happy for you," she said, sneaking a glance at Carlisle, who was standing besides me, "for both of you, but I also feel that you'd be leaving so much behind, growing old, having your own children."

"Growing old is overrated, Rosie," I said teasingly, "and technically I could have one child."

The words were out of my mouth before I actually realized what I had said and very suddenly I had the undivided attention of every vampire in the room.

"What?" Rosalie asked slowly.

"Isabella, that's impossible," Carlisle began saying, "we vampires don't change, we're frozen in time."

I grimaced, as if I hadn't had enough revelations and emotions for one day. I sighed as I tried to compose myself, pinching the bridge of my nose as I did so.

"I am not a vampire, as long as I remain human I could gestate and birth one child," I said, "I just wouldn't survive the birth of the child, not as a human."

"Why wouldn't you survive it?" Edward asked, almost innocently.

"The baby would be half vampire, wouldn't it?" I asked him gently.

Edward's eyes widened as he seemed to realize what I was implying.

"How?" Carlisle asked.

"Not how, since when do you know this?" Rosalie asked me, something indescribable in her eyes.

"I know random vampire things, I just never thought It'd be relevant, I was not planning on dating any of you," I told her with a shrug, "And while I actually wanted to discuss it with Carlisle from a scholar's point of view I never really knew how to approach the topic, which must be a weird teenage thing because I don't remember ever having problems to talk about sex stuff with any of my friends when I was Alex."

"But it is possible," Esme said, bringing back the conversation to the important thing.

"Yes, if a male vampire has sex with a human woman and doesn't kill her afterwards, which is the usual scenario, she can become pregnant, the pregnancy thing itself is very weird, because it goes much more faster than a normal pregnancy."

"How long?" Carlisle asked.

"A month, give or take, half vampires babies will tear themselves out of the placenta and kill the mom in the process, the placenta is much sturdier than a normal one, can only be broken by vampire teeth, or half vampire teeth in this case," I continued to explain.

"But you could be a mom," Rosalie said almost dreamily.

"Going through a very high risk pregnancy with a zero percent rate of survival," I reminded her, "and to be honest Rosiebear, I made it to thirty two in my first life without having or wanting a child, I had many issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, mental health issues, I was not rushing myself to bring a child into the world that I could traumatize."

"But," she tried to say.

"Regardless," I interrupted her, "It is a conversation that I will have with Carlisle once the time comes for us to have it, it is something that needs to be planned and discussed in advance, my body is eighteen at the moment, mentally I'm most days torn between thirty two and eighteen, Carlisle got frozen at twenty six, I'd like to at the very least reach twenty one before attempting to have a child and dying."

Rosalie looked properly chastised and nodded at me. I looked at Carlisle, I could see that he had more questions but my stomach decided to make itself present and Esme quickly ushered me into the kitchen. I ate comfortably, Esme making small talk and generally being pleasant company. After lunch, Esme suggested that I take a shower if only so that I had a valid excuse to remove my ruined makeup. I slid into a fresh set of clothes that Alice had chosen for me and then decided to join Carlisle in his study since everyone had dispersed.

"How are you feeling?" Carlisle asked as I walked in.

"I have no idea," I answered truthfully, I was in that strange space between feeling numb and overwhelmed with everything that had gone down, " a little tired, it has been a long day."

I sat on Carlisle's desk while he was seated on his plush chair.

"I have questions about these vampire/human children," he said softly.

I sighed, knowing that I'd never be able to escape the conversation now.

"They are not like immortal children, they grow and they learn, and there is a chance that they may take more after the human mother, meaning being not venomous, once they reach full maturity they become essentially immortal with the added perk of being able to consume human food, although they tend to prefer blood," I explained.

Carlisle's eyes shone with interest as I spoke, "do they grow at an accelerated pace once they're out of the womb?"

"Yes and no," I answered, suddenly overcome with new information, "if a hybrid baby was to be born in a semi hostile environment then the baby would seek to push itself to grow and reach its maturity at a faster pace as opposed to a baby that is being born in a secure and safe environment."

"That's… incredible," Carlisle said softly.

"I know," I said with a small smile, "Carlisle, if we do this," his eyes were on me immediately and he leaned forward to hold my hands in his, "if we do this, we take every precaution possible, I don't care if we have to move to the middle of nowhere for the baby to be born in a safe environment, and we tell everyone what we are attempting, the family, the Denalis, and we send a detailed compendium to the Volturi, if you have to go to italy beforehand to explain how babies work, then you do it, I won't bring a hybrid baby into this world unless I know that nothing will ever harm it, that is my condition."

Carlisle nodded at me and pressed a kiss to the back of my hands, "I promise."

I smiled at him, "and please, also do begin researching which type of condom doesn't dissolve with your venom, because while putting off having a baby is completely fine, having sex is not."

Carlisle laughed and tugged on me until I was seated on his lap, "any suggestions for that?"

I couldn't help but to smile and shook my head, "not my area of expertise, that's your homework, Dr. Cullen."

Carlisle hummed and leaned in to press his lips against me in a soft kiss that I eagerly returned. Carlisle tasted sweet and cold at the same time, like that mint chocolate ice cream that I couldn't be sure if I liked or not. I knew now that whether I liked it or not, it was going to become my favorite flavor. I wondered briefly if it had to do with the venom, but since I was otherwise engaged, I decided to let it slide and enjoy the moment.

I returned home with a stupid grin on my face. Glad that Charlie was working overnight so he wouldn't see me acting all giddy. We had decided that I was going to publicly date Edward, we were both very private people and no one would suspect the lack of PDA, it was also what I was going to tell Charlie. The wolves knew to keep my secret from everyone, but I resolved to go down to the reservation after school tomorrow if only to remind them to keep their mouths shut.

I was quick to get myself into a pair of comfy pjs. That night I fell asleep with a smile on my face and dreaming about my favorite vampire doctor.