Chapter 5:

Ghost didn't rejoin the rest of the team until the following day after their return to the base. When he did, he sought Roach out at the shooting range. "Nice shot." Ghost said appreciatively as Roach hit a target over 100 meters away.

Roach smiled and lay down the rifle, taking off his ear defenders and then turning around. "Thanks. How's the shoulder?"

Ghost shrugged and flexed his arm. "Could be worse I suppose. Doc's got me on some strong meds so I can't feel any pain."

"That's good. Wouldn't want you missing out on the party later."

"Party?" Roach nodded and he sighed. "Oh no, I think the meds are wearing off. I won't be in any fit state tonight."

"Real convincing." Roach turned back to his rifle and began taking it apart. "It would do you some good to cut loose you know. Can't be healthy, being so in control all the time."

"Roach, if I ever 'cut loose' it would be a disaster. There's a reason I'm so in control of myself.

"So you're saying you're a psychopath?"

"I didn't come out here to discuss my mental health." Roach looked at him and he folded his arms. He could tell the man was frowning at him. "Besides, I probably shouldn't drink alcohol. Doc'll do his nut in if he found out."

"You should've gone with that excuse first." He didn't push Ghost though. His lack of an answer about his mental health was slightly worrying but what good would pressuring him do? If anything, Roach would end up cleaning out the shower room and he shuddered at the thought. "So why did you come to find me?"

"To apologise for yelling at you back in Meldal. I shouldn't have called you stupid."

"And threatening to kill me?" Roach grinned.

"Was also wrong." Ghost conceded. "I'm sorry about that too."

"Don't worry, I know it's only because you care." He teased, finishing taking apart the rifle and the two of them walked back to the armoury. "I can take care of myself you know."

"Yeah, until you take a bullet to the head."

"You're lack of faith in me is unfounded and frankly, hurtful." Roach was still messing with Ghost and the huff he received in response let him know he wasn't taking the bait. "But apology accepted."

"Roach, get your ass down to the courtyard now!" Rook poked his head through the doors and grinned. "You too Ghost, it's party time!" Then he was gone and they could hear him whooping down the corridor.

"Are you sure you don't want to join us?"

"Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather find somewhere quiet to think." Ghost took the rifle from him and returned it to its allocated spot. Roach returned the attachments. "Have fun though. Maybe I'll find you later once you're drunk and get you to do something stupid."

"Like agree to morning training sessions?"

"Those aren't stupid!" Ghost replied, now annoyed. "And watch your mouth or I'll force you to do some training nice and early tomorrow morning, hangover and all."

"Cut me some slack!"

"You don't deserve it."

Roach was already at the door. He turned to look at Ghost and grinned. "So I'll see you later then?"

Ghost shrugged. "Maybe."

That was a yes then.

Waving his hand in farewell, Roach followed Rook's still echoing voice out to the courtyard where most of the team had already assembled. Poet had managed to get a couple of speakers hooked up to an old laptop and now he and Chemo were arguing about their song choices. A cheer went up as Royce and Meat appeared carrying two coolers full of beers. Scarecrow snuck up behind the two still arguing men and pressed a button, making music blast out loud and deafening.

Poet just shook his head, smiling slightly as he made his way to Roach. "I give up. They want cheesy eighties and nineties music, can you believe it?"

Even as he spoke, Bohemian Rhapsody started up to thunderous applause as everybody started singing along. Roach laughed and got two beers, handing one to Poet before taking a chair. "I think you're fighting a losing battle."

"I'll drink to that."

They toasted before drinking.

Hours later, Roach found himself alone and separated from the rest of the team. He had gone off to pee but on his way back had taken a wrong turn and ended up on the wrong side of the base. It was quiet out here, the cool air refreshing and clearing his mind. Instead of going back, Roach decided he would rather remain alone as sat down on the grassy expanse overlooking a nearby forest.

Before long, he heard footsteps as someone came to join him. He looked up to see it was Ghost, who sat down next to him. "How's your processing going?"

"Grand." Roach grinned, leaning towards him. "Finally came out to find me huh?"

"You weren't hard to track down. You were humming something as you went past my room, Livin' La Vida Loca I think?"

It was probably true, that was the song that had been playing when he'd left for the toilets. Roach couldn't remember humming, but that didn't mean much. If Ghost said he was, then he probably had been.

"It's a good song!"

"Never said it wasn't."

They fell into silence. Roach kept sneaking looks at the other man out of the corner of his eye. Over the past couple of months the two of them had started developing a closer friendship. This of course had the disadvantage of allowing his attraction to Ghost to deepen, but currently, that didn't seem like such a bad thing.

"Tell me a secret, something no one else knows about you."

Ghost considered this for a while. "I was almost a butcher."

"What?" Roach could feel the corners of his mouth twitching with a suppressed grin.

"Oh yeah, I was an apprentice at a butcher's. So if you ever need some poor animal slicing up let me know." Ghost lay down, moving his arms behind his head. "But then nine-eleven happened and I joined the army instead."

"How noble." He couldn't quite keep the mirth out of his voice and Ghost turned to look at him. "Sorry, I should say, how original." He smiled when the other man huffed. "But seriously, a butcher?"

"Yep."

"Do you think you would've enjoyed it?"

Ghost shrugged. "Maybe." There was a pause. "No, I wouldn't have. Being stuck at home... No, I would probably be dead."

Roach wasn't sure how to respond. Was his home life that bad? This explained why the man always stayed here whenever they got leave time.

"So what about you?"

"What about me?"

"I gave you a secret, now it's your turn."

It hadn't been much of a secret. But Roach could read between the lines, maybe Ghost had known he would be able to. "Fine." He responded and now he could feel his heart hammering madly in his chest as his nerves started to build up. "I'm gay."

Silence followed this statement. Roach could feel his cheeks burning and he looked away from Ghost towards the nearby forest. He didn't know why he'd said that, was cursing himself for saying it.

"So... What you're saying is, you're attracted to someone here, aren't you?" It seemed Ghost could read between the lines too. Roach's silence all but confirmed this. "Damn, Roach."

"It doesn't matter. It is what it is." He shrugged, trying to play it off. "I'm not planning on doing anything about it."

"Who is it?"

"No way."

"Poet?" A teasing edge had crept into Ghost's voice now and Roach laughed, instantly relaxing.

"No." If Ghost could accept his sexuality, then it wasn't so bad after all.

"Meat?" They both started laughing. "You know what they say, once you go black, you can never go back."

"No!"

"Price? It's the moustache isn't it?"

"Stop."

"Is it Soap? Because if it is, that would be gold."

"No."

"Damn." Ghost paused in thought. Then propping himself up on one elbow he looked at him. "Is it me?"

Roach hesitated for a fraction too long as his nerve failed him. "No."

"Holy fucking shit. It is, isn't it!" Ghost started to laugh and Roach felt his face burning with embarrassment.

"Shut up!" He snapped.

It took Ghost a few minutes to calm down. When he finally did, he was quiet for a moment before speaking. "You don't even know what I look like. How can you be attracted to me?"

"Take your mask off and we'll find out."

Roach could feel his heart beating fast and hard, his hands had become clammy too. In the absence of rejection, he was starting to feel hopeful. He knew this was stupid but he couldn't help it. Ghost hadn't turned him away yet, why not? If he hadn't drunk so much, Roach knew he wouldn't be goading Ghost.

"I'm nowhere near drunk enough for that."

"Scared I'll reject you?"

"Wouldn't be the first time." There was no amusement in his voice now. "Probably for the best."

"Show me. I promise I won't push you away."

"Liar."

"Try me."

Ghost was looking at him, possibly considering this but Roach couldn't tell. He was getting better at guessing the man's emotions but sometimes, like now, he had no idea what the other was thinking. Suddenly, Ghost sat up and moved closer to him. There was an intensity to him that Roach had never seen before, it was getting hard to think.

"I trust you, Roach."

And with a deep breath, before Roach could respond, he took off his shades and pulled off his mask.

The first thing Roach registered was his hair. It was black, blending in almost perfectly with their dark surroundings. Without thinking, he leaned forwards to touch the side of Ghost's face. That was when he noticed the scars. What Ghost had said before was true, the ones on his jawline weren't the only ones. He had more, across his nose, cheek, forehead, Roach followed the marks then found himself looking into Ghost's eyes. Deep brown met his own green eyes and he felt the colour in his cheeks return.

Dropping his hand from the other's face, Roach pulled back slightly. He saw the disappointment register on Ghost's face, along with a bitter smile.

"I trust you," He repeated, picking up the balaclava. "But I'm not an optimistic person."

Roach grabbed his arm. "You're wrong." Their eyes met again and he smiled. "Do you really think scars are going to scare me away?"

Without warning, Ghost leaned forward and kissed him. It was unexpected but welcome. Roach leaned into the other man and responded, his heart stuttering when Ghost's hand moved to trace the side of his face. No other kiss compared to this one and the warmth he felt spreading through his body was a new, welcome sensation.

They heard a shout from the base and both froze. Suddenly Ghost pulled back and stood up. Before Roach had got his bearings, he had pulled his balaclava and shades back on. "I'm sorry Roach, but this was a mistake." He started walking towards the base without a backwards glance.

Once the shock wore off, Roach felt himself begin to tremble as Ghost's words registered. Was it that bad? Did Ghost not want him? The rejection hurt more than he could ever admit. Getting to his feet he ran after the other man, catching up to him before he went inside.

"Ghost?"

"We shouldn't have done that!" Ghost turned around, grabbing his shoulders tightly. "If anyone found out, if anyone saw... We'd both lose our jobs. It's not worth losing everything I've got here."

"You mean, I'm not worth it." Roach's voice wavered slightly but he cleared his throat and forced himself to remain calm. "You don't think I'm worth the risk?"

"It's not like that." Ghost's voice was wavering now and he let go of him. He ran his hands over his head in agitation before sighing. "I'm a fuck up, Roach. I don't want to fuck you up too. Our friendship means too much for me to screw it up."

"I love you." It was the first time he'd said the words out loud but Roach meant it with all his heart. "Ghost, you can't fuck me up. How do you know we're not good together?"

"You don't even know who I am!" He snapped back. "You think you know me? You only see Ghost. Not the traumatised, abused kid I was! You don't see the mess of a person I am! I don't want to be that guy anymore! And you sure as hell shouldn't want to be with him either!" He was yelling now and Roach was starting to worry someone would overhear them.

"Ghost, please calm down."

"Ghost." He snorted, but his voice had lowered. "Ghost is the only part of me that isn't messed up, Roach. You want something real but I can't give you that. There is nothing behind this mask that you should want. Your friendship means everything to me and I can't risk twisting that into hatred. Because that's what I'd do. You deserve someone whole, not me and certainly not someone as broken as Simon Riley."

"Ok." Roach was beginning to understand. Ghost wasn't ready for a relationship, he might not ever be. "But I won't abandon you, Ghost. Not now, not ever. If all you can offer is friendship, then I'm more than happy with that." He held out his hand. "Friends?"

Ghost stared at him for a long moment, then slowly reached out and shook his hand. "Friends."

Another drunken cheer from inside broke them apart. Roach smiled sheepishly at Ghost. "We should probably head inside."

They did but as they reached the doors to the rec room, Ghost hesitated. "Goodnight, Roach." He finally said and walked away.

Roach watched him go and instead of heading inside, he walked to his room. He mulled over his conversation with Ghost as he went. Although he was hurt by the rejection, he couldn't say he hadn't seen it coming. He wasn't sure if it hurt more or less with the knowledge that Ghost wasn't saying no because he didn't want him, but rather to try and protect him.

As he reached his door, Roach had one pressing question. One he was sure Soap could help him answer.

Who was Simon Riley?