Chapter 9:
Three weeks had passed since their agreement. Ghost came to Roach's room almost every night and although they did no more than kiss, he spent each of those nights in Roach's bed. But by the time morning came, he was always gone. Roach was getting used to it now. Although he still felt a pang of sadness when he woke up in the morning to find the bed empty.
He had started to notice that Ghost had trouble letting him in. Despite admitting his feelings, that was the first and only admission he had made. Whenever they talked it always ended up being turned around on him. Roach wasn't sure how but any time he asked Ghost a personal question, within minutes he was talking about himself instead. Ghost was very good at that and he was having a hard time getting under his defences.
Another thing he'd noticed was that the lights were always off before Ghost took off his mask. Roach wanted to see his face so badly but was afraid to voice this because he knew the other man would only get defensive. A small voice in the back of his head kept telling him this was wrong. If Ghost truly cared about him, he would open up. So why wasn't he? Roach always managed to ignore this voice however when there was a knock at his door every night and there stood Ghost.
"Roach, there's a mission coming up." Ghost told him one night. "I've got to help Soap and Price with the planning so unless you want me waking you up at three in the morning, I won't come over for the next few days."
"I don't mind y'know."
He laughed quietly. "I know, but you should sleep. Besides your room is on the other side of the complex from mine. I think Soap might question me walking the wrong way to my room."
"What's the mission?"
"Nikolai got wind that Makarov's set up a meeting in Prague. We're going in to take the bastard down."
"The whole team? Doesn't that seem a bit… loud to you?"
"Not all of us will be heading in. Most of the team will be on standby around the city. Soap and Price will be the ones infiltrating the building. I'm on overwatch to keep them covered when things go south."
"Already anticipating that?"
"Well, they get caught or kill Makarov, either way, it's going to end in a firefight."
Roach contemplated this. "Where am I going?"
Ghost sighed. "Haven't decided yet, that's why we've got to plan this out. Everything has to go right. This could be our shot at taking Makarov down for good."
"Then what?"
"Good question. I'll let you know when Makarov's dead." Roach barely managed to hold in his sigh. Of course, a non-answer. "Something wrong?"
He wasn't as good as Ghost at hiding his emotions. "Talk to me," Roach said softly. "What are you thinking?"
"That you're acting strange." Roach punched him. Not hard enough to cause pain, but with enough force to make Ghost sigh. "Fine. I'm trying to figure out where to put you."
"With you? You know I'm a good marksman."
"Not a chance. I'll be in the middle of the hotel square where the meeting is taking place. It will be ground zero once the shit hits the fan."
"Are you using your head in that assessment? Aside from Soap, Archer and Toad, I'm the best marksman you got. Assuming you put Archer and Toad together across the square from you, who's going to partner you?" Roach's eyes narrowed when Ghost laughed. "You'll never agree to it, will you?"
"No so don't try."
"Ugh, you're letting your heart cloud your judgement."
"Maybe, but if the square gets torn apart and I die, at least I'll know you're safe." Ghost was quiet now, his fingers lightly tracing across Roach's chest. "But if I survive... I guess we'll see what happens."
"Gee, would you like to be a little vaguer?"
"Sorry Roach, but I haven't got an answer for you. I don't know what happens after Makarov."
They were silent for a long time following that. Roach tightened his grip around Ghost and pressed closer to him. "Have you considered... our future?" He asked quietly and as he knew Ghost would, he stiffened.
"Don't you think it's a bit early to be talking about that?" Roach pulled back, hurt by the rebuff. For once he was glad it was dark so Ghost couldn't see his expression. "Roach-"
"Let me see your face."
He sighed agitatedly. "Why?"
"Why not?"
Silence followed this. Roach could feel the distance between them growing larger but refused to be the first to speak. If Ghost cared, if he truly cared about him, he would say something first.
"My face doesn't matter." That was what he finally said.
"What does that mean?"
"It means I don't have a face!" He snapped. "I don't have a face, or a name, or a past! Why do you care so much about things that don't matter? I only exist in the here and now, why isn't that enough for you?"
"Because I want to know you." Roach found his arm in the darkness and grabbed his hand tightly. "Why won't you let me in?"
"There's nothing to show you." Ghost replied cooly and he pulled away and stood up. "You already know who I am, there's nothing else."
"What about Simon?" Roach asked, so quietly he didn't think Ghost had heard at first.
"He's dead." Then his door opened and he saw Ghost leave.
Sitting in the darkness alone, Roach felt the tears burn his cheeks as they fell down his face. Stupid, he thought. He had been stupid to believe Ghost loved him. What kind of future could he have with a man who wouldn't even show his face to him?
For a moment, he tried to imagine taking Ghost to meet his family. What would they think if he brought home a man wearing a skull balaclava and refusing to be called anything but Ghost? The images dissolved and Roach was left with the knowledge that it would never happen. They would never have a happy ending.
He flicked the light switch and winced as his eyes adjusted to the light. He was surprised to see Ghost's shades still on his nightstand and carefully picked them up. A fresh wave of tears threatened to overwhelm him, but Roach shook his head and stood up.
No more tears. No more sadness.
Just because Ghost had stormed off tonight didn't mean it was over. He would appear in the morning with an apology, just like he always did after getting aggravated. With that fresh hope in mind, Roach placed the shades on his desk and got back into bed.
The next morning came and went with no sign of Ghost. So maybe he was being stubborn, Roach told himself. But he would have to come to talk to him eventually if he wanted his shades back. The morning wore into the afternoon and he was forced to admit Ghost wasn't coming back.
"Fuck him," Roach muttered angrily.
He wasn't going to hide out in his room any longer, waiting for an apology he wasn't going to get. Besides, he was starving. In the cafeteria, he joined Rook and Merlin who were in the middle of a card game. He watched them play as he ate.
"What's up with you, mate?" Merlin asked, laying down a card. "Who killed your cat?"
"Nothing. Just one of those days."
"Aye, we all have them," Rook said with a consoling tone.
They let the matter drop for which Roach was thankful. He didn't want to discuss or explain what had happened.
"You owe me ten bucks!" Rook laughed when he won and Merlin groaned. "C'mon Roach cheer up, I overheard Soap and Ghost talking earlier. Sounds like we've got an important mission comin' up!"
Roach's hands twitched slightly at the mention of Ghost's name but luckily they were hidden from view so the other two didn't notice. "Can't wait, I'll be glad to get out of here and shoot at something."
"Well, you won't be waiting long then." Soap said. He had seemingly appeared from nowhere, which was something he was good at. "Get your heads in the game lads, we're five days and counting 'til go time."
