Chapter 10:

The base was in a constant state of uproar over the next four days. Everyone was busy preparing for the mission. Since it was the big one, the one they had been waiting for, it was all hands on deck to prepare. They couldn't afford to miss out on the chance to eliminate Makarov.

Roach was thankful because it kept him busy and his mind distracted. He had seen Ghost a handful of times since their argument but it seemed neither of them had the time to talk. Roach was too angry to approach the man and since Ghost was their Lieutenant he was too busy preparing to find the time for him.

Ghost had also procured some new sunglasses it seemed. Since his normal red-tinted ones were still sitting on Roach's desk, he was now wearing a set of normal black-tinted shades instead.

The days slipped by and before Roach knew it, they were packed and ready, cramming into the carrier Nikolai was supplying to take them to Prague. It was a long journey but Roach was too amped up to even attempt to nap. The carrier was filled with the quiet buzz of anticipation that always preceded a mission but this time it felt more charged than normal. Probably because they were finally on their way to taking down Makarov.

Roach was to stay close to the square outside the Hotel Lustig, close enough to provide support but also at a safe enough distance if things went to shit. Ghost had refused support and was in the bell tower opposite the hotel alone whilst Archer and Toad covered the back in case Makarov tried to retreat. Soap and Price were to infiltrate the hotel and find Makarov. The rest of the team was split up around the city in small groups as to not attract attention. All of them were discretely armed and wearing bulletproof vests, just in case.

"Alright, team you know your positions. Price and I are going dark, we'll break radio silence if anything changes. Stay frosty." This was Soap's last instruction before the comms went dead.

It had been three hours since then.

Roach and Rook were sat at a cafe and could see the top half of the hotel in the adjacent block. "How long do you think we can sit here drinking coffee?" Rook asked, now on his fourth cup.

"Dunno, not much longer. What the hell are Price and Soap doing in there?" Roach muttered, looking around wearily. No one was paying them any attention as of yet.

Another ten minutes slipped by and a group of soldiers ran past, towards the hotel. "Something's not right..." Rook exchanged a glance with Roach and the two of them stood, making their way to the square in front of the hotel. All seemed quiet.

Roach glanced at the bell tower and raised an eyebrow, but got no response. He tapped his earpiece. "Ghost?" Still no response. "Shit, I think they're jamming us." He hissed to Rook.

Rook tried too but got no response. "I can't get anyone, this whole area must be in a jamming radius." They had been keeping up regular reports with the rest of the team at the cafe so it seemed too much of a coincidence that there was no response now. "What do you think, retreat?"

"We need to find Ghost, he'll know something." Even as he said the words, Roach spotted the man walking towards them briskly. "There." He nodded towards Ghost and the two of them moved to meet him.

As they passed by a parked van, Roach heard the faintest sound of beeping. Before he could yell a warning, the van exploded and he was thrown backwards. The last thing he remembered was hitting a car parked across the street, intense pain in his chest and then he blacked out.

...

Roach woke up in the hospital back at the base. He wasn't sure how long he'd been out, but it must have been a long time because his throat was dry and his muscles ached with protest as he struggled into a sitting position. The room was dark so it must have been nighttime. The sound of deep, slow breathing caught his attention and Roach froze, scanning the dark room in alarm.

He relaxed however when he saw it was Ghost. The man was fast asleep, slumped down in a chair next to his cot.

Roach's hand found his bandaged shoulder and he winced at the dull pain it caused. The pain meds were still working but they couldn't block out everything. He was lucky. The shrapnel from the IED had missed his head by inches, lucky it hadn't hit his heart either. He was absentmindedly feeling his shoulder, mind still trying to recall the events after the blast when Ghost spoke.

"You'll hurt yourself even worse if you keep that up."

Roach jumped. "Fuck!" He cursed as pain ripped through his chest. It felt like he'd broken some ribs too. "You'll give me a heart attack if you keep that up." He winced at the sound of his raspy voice, hand going to his throat.

"Here." Ghost handed him some water which he drank gratefully.

"What happened?" Roach asked once he'd finished the drink.

"It was a set-up. Price and Soap were arrested for trespassing with illegal arms. Shepherd managed to pull some strings and they were released. The rest of the team got to the rendezvous safely. Makarov must have set a cold trail and like idiots, we followed it. In the end... you were the only one hurt."

They sat in silence for a long time. Roach was starting to feel the anxiety build in his stomach. He could tell something was wrong. The silence had a density to it, like a weight pressing down on the two of them. "Ghost, whatever it is you want to say, just say it already." He was glad his voice came out clear and strong, that it didn't betray his thoughts.

"You could have died." Ghost's voice was clinical, devoid of any emotion. He was suppressing his feelings too. "You were lucky."

"I'm not going anywhere." He reached out to the other man but he stood up and moved out of reach. He began pacing back and forth in front of the cot. "Ghost, please sit down. Talk to me."

"You can't know, you couldn't even begin to imagine what was going through my head. If I'd lost you…" Ghost stopped and sighed, gripping the end of the cot tightly. "Roach, I can't do this." His voice broke and he took a deep breath. "Fuck! Even the thought of you dying, I can't handle it."

"I'm fine really."

"Yeah, this time. But what about next time? Or the time after that? Because one day you might not get lucky. I've lost everyone I ever loved, I can't lose you too." He stepped back and Roach let out a shaky breath as he tried to control himself.

"So what?" He finally asked. "You're going to… break up with me because you're afraid of losing me? Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?"

"It's not like that!" Ghost snapped back and then he sat down again and held his hand in a painfully tight grip. "Everyone I love, everyone I care for, dies. You're better off staying away from me. Because if we continue, if something happens to you… I wouldn't come back from that either."

"So distance will what, numb your feelings? Do you want to forget all of this? You don't want to love me?" When he didn't respond, Roach knew it was true, that maybe Ghost had never loved him in the first place. He pulled his hand free. "Coward."

"I'm sorry, Roach."

"Get out." His voice was shaking now with the barely suppressed pain and if Ghost didn't leave he was going to start screaming or crying or both.

Without another word, Ghost stood and left the room.

It had already been over. That was what Roach tried to tell himself as the pain threatened to overwhelm him. Their argument a week ago and the subsequent silence was proof enough that the relationship had already broken before he was injured. Ghost was only using it as an excuse.

Three weeks of pretending they had something, only for him to realise Ghost had never truly loved or cared about him. Had it been pity that caused Ghost to even try in the first place? The thought made him want to curl up and die of embarrassment. Even if it was only three weeks, it had still been real to him and these feelings would never truly fade away. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Roach wouldn't change a second of it.

It took Roach a long time to calm down and even longer to fall asleep again. He wasn't even sure he had slept because when the sun had finally risen he still felt exhausted. When Doc came in and gave him the all-clear to leave the hospital, Roach wandered around aimlessly for a while before settling down inside the rec room to wait for the others to wake up.

His arm was now in a sling and he was under strict instructions not to use it at all. This sucked badly because it was his favoured arm so everything he tried to do felt awkward and clumsy. Poet was the first to join him and he took pity on Roach's attempts to make a drink and took over.

"Thanks."

"Anytime, mate." They sat in silence for a while, the Poet finally spoke. "Has anyone told you about Rook?"

"No?" Roach's grip tightened around the mug. He could already tell what had happened by the haunted expression on Poet's face but he asked anyway. "What happened?"

"The IED killed him."

"Shit." Roach felt the grief like a knife in his chest. Rook had been a good guy, he had a family back home. Just like that, he was gone. He didn't envy Soap's job in the slightest because he would have to be the one to notify his family. "How's everyone holding up?"

"About as well as you'd expect. They'll be glad to see you're up and about though, I know I am. Losing one person is enough, I'm glad you pulled through." Roach reached across the table and grabbed Poet's wrist to squeeze it.

"I'm the lucky one." He said quietly and Poet smiled.

"Yeah, that's why you're called Roach right?"

It was true. During basic training one of the explosives in the back of a truck exploded. The whole thing flipped and fell on top of him. Somehow he'd gotten away with only a few scratches. So he'd been called Roach, just like the bugs because he was damn hard to kill. The more Roach thought about it, the more he realised how lucky he was with the number of close shaves he'd had.

The room slowly filled with the rest of the team. Every one of them came over to see Roach and when the entire team was there, Soap finally arrived. Ghost, however, was noticeably absent. Soap cleared his throat and handed a bottle of scotch and glasses to Ozone. It made its way around the room and back to their Captain before he spoke.

"I know how you're all feeling. The loss of a teammate, a friend, is hard. Rook was a good man, a good soldier. He lives on in our thoughts, so let's honour him." Soap lifted his glass. "To Rook."

Everyone echoed him and then drank. The Scotch burned the back of his throat and Roach winced. He saw Scarecrow notice and wink at him, but his expression sobered up a moment later. It would take time for them to grieve their friend.

Soap moved to leave and Roach noticed him stop and speak to Ghost who was standing by the door. He must have slipped in during Soap's speech.

"Roach!" Soap called, motioning him over. Confused and with a slight foreboding, Roach followed his Captain out into the hallway. He waited until they were back in his office before speaking. "I'm heading back home to speak with Rook's family, fancy a lift?"

"Huh?"

Soap indicated his arm. "You've been given two months recuperation. Not much help with only one arm, soldier."

"Oh." Roach felt relief sweep through him. For a moment he feared Ghost had asked Soap to remove him from the base. He knew the other man wanted distance but he wouldn't put it past him to pull that kind of stunt.

"Something wrong?" Soap's expression showed he knew exactly what was troubling Roach. "Y'know..." He sighed, looking around his desk in a momentary distraction. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."

Roach doubted it but said nothing.

"Besides, I can't have my Lieutenant flying off the handle every time you get a papercut. Best to give him space to get his head right." Finally, Soap extracted a piece of paper and slid it across to him. "Sign this and you're a free man. Only for two months though and then I want you back."

Roach sighed but signed the paper with a wobbly, scrawled signature.

"Pack a bag, Roach. We leave in an hour."

With a nod, he left the room. He did as asked and packed up a bag, not that he needed much. Most of civilian clothes and belongings were in storage at his parent's house. When he'd broken up with his fiancee he had boxed everything up and left it in his old room at home. He still hadn't gotten around to unpacking everything.

His eyes landed on the pair of red-tinted shades on his desk. In a moment of anger, he grabbed them and threw them across the room where they hit the wall and shattered. A mirror image of his ill-advised relationship with Ghost.

Suddenly he wasn't looking at the shattered glass on his bedroom floor, but on a city street with sirens blaring. He could see a body lying in the middle of the street between him and a burning van, torn to shreds by the explosion.

With a sharp gasp, Roach was back in his room and he clutched his head with his good hand. He thought he'd been unconscious from the moment of the explosion until waking up in the hospital but it seemed he had briefly regained consciousness lying on that street. Was that Rook's body? He quickly shoved the thoughts away. He didn't want to know, would be glad to never see that image again.

Roach grabbed his bag and quickly left his room. He didn't want to be alone with his thoughts for longer than he needed to. Too caught up in getting outside to Soap, he almost walked into Ghost but the man caught him at the last second.

"Careful, Roach."

"Oh, sorry." He stepped back when he saw who it was.

"Can we talk?" Ghost asked in a soft voice.

"Haven't you said it all already?" Roach replied cooly. He wasn't ready for another conversation with him about their relationship. Probably never would be.

"It's important."

"Then make it quick, Soap is waiting for me."

Ghost took in the bag he was carrying and nodded. "We can walk and talk." As they set off, he took the bag from Roach. "I realised something last night after I left the hospital."

"Which was?"

"I've not been good to you. I've made a selfish choice that has ended up hurting you. I never should have started a relationship with you, I wasn't ready." He stopped and laughed. "Sorry, I'm finding it hard to put it into words, it's all just a... mess in my head. Give me a minute."

Roach didn't say anything but waited and finally, Ghost continued.

"I tried to be just Ghost. But the truth is, you want more than that don't you?" He didn't wait for a response, they both knew the answer. "I don't know how to be... Simon. Not anymore."

"I'm sorry for trying to push you," Roach said softly. Now that they were finally talking about it, all the anger he had been holding onto was slipping away as he finally understood. Ghost had tried and failed to be someone he couldn't be and Roach had pushed him too far. "That wasn't fair either."

"Don't apologise, it's not your fault." Again he paused. "I'm going to get better, I promise. I'm going to sort myself out, for you."

"Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself." Roach grabbed his arm and they stopped walking. "If something happens to me, or we end up falling apart how are you going to cope with that? Get better for yourself and then maybe we can have something real."

Ghost nodded. "Ok, I'll do it for myself. I want to be a better person, for me and you."

Roach smiled. "That a promise?"

"Promise." Then Ghost dropped his bag, lifted his mask and leaned down to kiss him. It was only a quick kiss but it left a lasting impression on Roach. Then the balaclava was back in place. "I enjoyed these past few weeks with you, Roach. You made me feel alive again. I'm sorry I was an asshole about ending it."

"You should be." But Roach was still smiling. He understood a lot better now and was no longer angry with the man beside him. All he'd ever wanted was for Ghost to open up to him and finally, he had.

Ghost cleared his throat and picked up his bag again. "We better go, I can see Soap waving at us." He pointed out the window and indeed, their Captain was waving impatiently at them. "Better hope he didn't see that kiss."

"Better hope I don't tell him you didn't ask my permission first."

Ghost laughed. "Come on, let's get you out of here so you can go heal up."

"You too."