Chapter 11:

The sound of the van exploding woke Gary with a start. It took him a moment to realise where he was, in his bedroom at his parent's house. Sighing, he ran a hand over his face to find he'd been sweating in his sleep again. The nightmares hadn't gone away, even after a month. Nearly every night he dreamt of Prague. Every time he woke up expecting to find himself on that city street, with Rook lying in front of him stained red with blood.

"Stop it." He muttered. His hands moved to clench in his hair as his knees came up to his chest. "It wasn't your fault."

When the alarm clock activated it made him jump. Reaching out to turn it off, he noticed how stiff his muscles were. He must have been locked in that position for hours without realising.

The door opened and Gary looked up to see his sister looking back at him. "You look like shit." She said, moving to sit on the bed next to him. "Did you sleep at all?"

"A little."

She grabbed his hand tightly. "Talk to me."

"Amber..."

"Come on you know the deal, no secrets."

Gary smiled. They had promised when they were kids never to keep secrets from each other. Even now after all these years he had kept the promise and knew she had too.

"I should've done something to save him." The words came out haltingly, unwilling to be spoken aloud. "It's my fault. If I hadn't gotten so close to that van, it wouldn't have blown up. I killed him."

"No, you didn't." She replied firmly. "Come on, you shouldn't be thinking that. What would John say?"

Gary started laughing. "John?" He asked in disbelief. "Please don't tell me you've been talking to him?"

She blushed.

"No, no, no. Don't you dare, he's my Captain!"

"That's beside the point!" Amber glared at him. "That's not what we're talking about anyway. John would tell you it wasn't your fault too. He would say you couldn't have known and shit happens. You honour his memory."

Gary felt his throat constrict as guilt swept through him. "I don't know if I can."

"Well, first things first, how about breakfast?" She stood up and pulled him to his feet. "Come on, you'll feel better after eating."

He followed her downstairs to find their parents were already up. "Grab the milk," Amber told him and he did before sitting down.

His dad was engrossed in the morning paper and he knew from experience not to interrupt him. His mother however was looking at him in concern. He tried to smile back reassuringly but knew it didn't work when her frown deepened.

"You should take those pills, you'll sleep better."

"I will do." He already was but they made no difference.

The sound of beeping made him jump and look around in alarm.

"It's the fridge, you left it open." Amber reached out and pushed the door shut as she placed a plate in front of him. Gary sighed as the beeping was cut off. "Seriously, where's your head at?"

"Nowhere, it's nothing." He shrugged and started eating.

Eating gave him an excuse not to talk and thankfully the conversation was diverted away. After a while his father put down the newspaper and sighed deeply, his eyes landing on his son. "How's the shoulder?"

"Fine." It was healing nicely and Gary barely felt any pain these days. His ribs were a bit slower, still uncomfortable at night when he tried to sleep but for the most part, it was manageable.

"And the nightmares?"

"Still there." Gary shrugged. "I'll take the pills."

"How about we go for a walk? Some fresh air will do you good." His mother said encouragingly.

He didn't want to but found it hard to say no to her. So instead he agreed. As they walked, Gary's thoughts turned to the Task Force. He missed the base, it was a constant ache in the back of his thoughts. Home-sick, he thought amusedly.

What he wouldn't give to have a conversation with Ghost. But then, they were supposed to be keeping their distance from each other. He couldn't shake the feeling that Ghost would understand him in a way his family didn't, that he could say the right thing and help him. But it would be another month before he saw the other man. Gary couldn't stand the thought of another month like this.

"What are you thinking about?"

He glanced at his mother, pulled out of his thoughts by the question. "Nothing really, just work."

"You smiled." She was smiling now. "I haven't seen you smile like that in weeks."

"Oh." Gary turned away but knew the blush on his cheeks had been seen when she laughed. He must have smiled when he thought of Ghost. This of course made him think of the man again and this time he felt the corners of his mouth lift.

"There you go again." When he looked back at his mother, she had a knowing look in her eyes. "Something tells me it isn't work."

Gary hesitated. "It's complicated."

"Love always is."

"I never said it was love!"

"You can't hide these things from your mother." She patted his cheek. "Nice try, Gary."

He scowled. "Don't mention it to Amber please, she'll never let it go." He couldn't bear the thought of spending the next month being interrogated about his relationship with Ghost.

Gary had come to terms with the end of their relationship during his time off. It had been ill-advised to jump straight into it and they had both suffered the repercussions for that. So he was going to wait. For what, he didn't know. Maybe one day Ghost would be ready to embrace his past again and have a real relationship. Maybe he would never get over it and those three weeks would be all they had. All Gary could do was wait and see.

Thankfully his mother let the subject drop. "You should come home more often, we've missed you."

"I've missed you too. But I have a job to do, an important one." He hadn't told his family what the Task Force's goal was. Not only because it was classified information but he knew it would worry his mother to death if she knew he was hunting Makarov. "After we're done, I'll be a free man again."

"Will you reenlist?"

"I don't know." He hadn't thought about it yet. He was now approaching his thirties, but still in good shape. It wouldn't be hard to reenlist, especially with the credentials of killing Makarov. But was that what he wanted? He didn't know. "I'm just focusing on the mission at the moment and then we'll see."

"And a partner?"

Gary raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean girlfriend?"

She gave him another knowing smile. "Something tells me it's not a woman who has caught your eye."

"Something like that. But no, no partner. As I said, it's complicated."

They were back at home now and he was freed from his interrogation. He loved his mother, but she worried about him too much. She wanted him to settle down and get a safer job. Right now however, he couldn't do either.

"Gary, there's a call for you!" Amber threw him the phone as he entered the living room.

He caught it and held it to his ear. "Hello?"

"So, Soap told me you're having trouble sleeping." He almost dropped the phone in shock at the sound of Ghost's voice. As it was, he felt his legs give out for a second and quickly sat down. "What's happening, Roach?"

"I- nothing much."

"Don't bullshit me. You sound like shit. What's wrong?"

Gary could feel tears forming and quickly stood to find a private room. "Rook..."

Ghost sighed. "Don't blame yourself, shit happens."

"That's what Soap said. But I keep seeing it in my head. Every night over and over." The tears had spilt over his cheeks now and Gary quickly wiped them away. "The pills aren't working."

"Yeah, I know that feeling."

"You do?"

"I'll tell you about it some other time. Right now I want to focus on you. Tell me what happened in Prague."

Gary took a deep, shuddering breath and then it all spilt out. All the pain and fear and guilt he had been keeping inside was pouring out of him so fast he couldn't get the words out fast enough. For nearly ten minutes he spoke and Ghost listened. When he finally finished, the other man didn't respond at first.

"It wasn't your fault."

"But-"

"But nothing Roach." Ghost cut him off firmly. "I put you and Rook there. I told you to come to the square if something went wrong. Blame me, not yourself because it's my fault you two were there. You were following orders."

"It's not your fault."

"Look in the mirror and tell yourself that every goddamn night. Do it until you believe it. Blame Makarov for planting a false trail for us. Blame Volk for supplying him with the explosives. Blame anyone you want but not yourself."

"Ok," Gary whispered, holding onto the phone tightly as if Ghost could feel it. "I'll try."

"Good. I want to hear you're sleeping again. If not I'll come down there and..." He trailed off. "...keep the nightmares away."

Gary was thinking of those nights the two had spent together in his bed and was sure Ghost was too. "I miss you." He shouldn't say it, but it was true. He missed Ghost desperately.

"I miss you too. So get better and come back."

"I thought you were the one who needed to get better?"

"I am. We can talk about that once you're here though. That's a long conversation we should have in person, not over the phone. I just called to make sure you were looking after yourself."

"I'm trying."

"I know." Ghost sighed. "You're strong, Roach. I know you'll pull through. But, if you need someone to talk to just call ok? Doesn't matter the time, I'll answer."

"Thank you."

"I've got go. Soap want the phone back. Look after yourself Roach and I'll see you soon."

"I will."

"Roach?" It was Soap. "Everything good?"

"Sunshine and rainbows." Gary smiled as Soap laughed.

"Alright good to hear."

"Thank you for getting Ghost on the line."

"I figured he could tell you better than I could."

"You always know best huh?"

"That's why I'm the Captain. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"No, I'm ok now."

"Alright good. I'll be here too if you need to talk."

"Thanks, Soap."

"So I have a favour to ask."

"What?"

"Can you give Amber the phone?" Gary started laughing, he couldn't help it. The tentative tone in his Captain's voice sounded so out of place it had startled him for a moment.

"Alright, one minute." He went back into the living room and gave his sister the phone. "It's for you." He said with a wink and she smiled sheepishly, mouthing 'thank you' as she took it.

Catching his mother's eye, Gary smiled and she smiled back. Suddenly he was feeling a lot better like a weight had been lifted off his chest after talking about what had happened. Just as he'd thought, Ghost had known exactly what to say to him.

For the first time since he'd returned home, Gary felt truly at peace.

That night when he looked in the mirror, he repeated the words to himself. "It wasn't your fault." It took a few attempts but after a few minutes, he could look into his reflections eyes and say it with some conviction.

That was the first night he slept through without any nightmares.