Chapter 18:
Chekhov was dead within a month.
Makarov's whole operation was being dismantled piece by piece. The DSM held every name, location and information they had been searching for. Over the past month, the task force had been split up around the globe to find every person mentioned, infiltrate every place and destroy everything related to the Russian they could find.
Price had been staying at the base as the operation continued and was in high spirits after news of Chekhov's death arrived from Meat and Royce who were the ones to find him. "Only a matter of time before we find Makarov." He kept saying as more and more names and locations were crossed off the list.
"How long do you think?" Ghost asked Soap one evening.
"Matter of weeks. Even after Makarov's death, there'll be shit to clean up. We'll be busy for years."
"You don't think they'll disband us?"
"Nah, you think the world's gonna right itself? There's always someone else. I mean this shit would've ended with Zakhaev otherwise." Soap pulled out his pistol and laid it on the table. "This ended one tyrant's life, allowing someone else to take his place. War never ends."
It was true, there was always someone else. Ghost could see that future clear, continuing down this path forever. The task force may end but there'd always be a new mission. If he chose to, he could continue with Soap and Price.
"But I think I'm done." Ghost looked at his friend in surprise. Soap smiled back and he looked tired. "I've fought two generations of tyrant's now. It's someone else's turn to take over. I want out."
"Shit, I never thought I'd hear you say that."
"Neither did I, but then I met Amber." And his smile lifted the exhaustion from his face. "I want a future with her, not a death in the army. What about you?"
"I don't know." Ghost hesitated. Did he want a future with Roach? Or would he keep fighting with the inevitability of a bullet to the head? "I haven't thought about it much."
"Better start thinking mate, time's running out. I don't know about you but when Makarov's dead and there's that sweet spot of time before the next shit storm I'm making my exit." Picking up the pistol, his Captain stood. "All's fair in love and war."
"Right." Ghost watched him go.
A sickening feeling was starting in his stomach. How was he supposed to make such an important decision? Since he was eighteen all he'd known was the army. Was he supposed to give it up now after nearly twenty years? Retire and be with Roach? It was a nice thought, a dream really. Could it be a reality?
Maybe one day soon it could.
...
"Talk to me about Sparks and Washington." Michelle prompted him. It was another day, another session.
"What about them?"
"How do you feel when thinking about them?"
Ghost laughed bitterly. "That's a loaded question. Angry I suppose... they killed my family, tried to kill me too."
"Do you think they were in control of their actions? You believe they were brainwashed don't you?"
"Yes."
"So whose fault was it?"
"Roba's." As he said it, Ghost understood. Sparks and Washington weren't in control of their actions. They had no choice, no free will. "They were forced to do it. They were my friends and they were forced to do that..."
What if a part of their real selves was still there? What if they were just as trapped as he had felt? Not by regulations barring his return to the SAS but their own minds. For a moment Ghost imagined being forced to hurt Soap or Roach or even... Roach's family. Forced to do something he had no control over, something he could only watch like an outsider.
"I've hated them for it. But it wasn't their fault."
"Exactly." Michelle smiled. "You're making good progress, Simon."
...
"Soap I need a couple of days off."
He looked surprised by the request and Ghost couldn't blame him. He had never once asked for time off. "Can I ask why?"
Ghost hesitated but decided if there was anyone he could trust with the information, it was Soap. "I need to visit some old friends. There's something I should've said to them a long time ago and I want to put it right."
Soap sighed and scrutinised him for a moment. "Alright, but no longer than a week. Price is gearing up for taking on Makarov and he might put his plan into action any day now."
"I promise, just a few days."
...
Ghost stood in front of the two graves in California bearing his old friends names, Kevin Sparks and Marcus Washington. The inscriptions were faded now after so many years. Ghost sighed and set down three glasses, pouring whiskey into each one.
"Alright lads, it's English. Thought I'd come t'say hi, it's been a while." Normally he suppressed his accent, but what was the point here? "A lot's changed since I last saw ya. Guess I really came here t'say I forgive ya. It wasn't your fault, but Roba's. Musta been hard to see it all go down like that huh? So... no hard feelings."
He stood up and poured a glass of whiskey on both graves before downing the third.
"Guess I owe it t'ya to live my life. I'll be seeing you in hell lads."
...
When he got back to base it was Roach who greeted him. "What's with the frown?"
"You left without saying anything." He was worried, the thought made Ghost smile. "What happened?"
"Nothing, I just went to have a chat with Sparks and Washington." He could see Roach trying to figure out who they were and his eyes widened in recognition. "I figured I owed them an apology." Ghost put an arm around the younger man's shoulders. "It wasn't their fault and I wanted them to know I realise that now."
"How do you feel?"
He considered this. In all honesty, he felt exhausted but knew that wasn't what Roach meant. "Free. Like apologising to someone after hurting them, y'know?"
"Not really." Roach's arms were around him now, their bodies pressed together. It was a nice feeling, one Ghost missed.
"Sorry, it's hard to explain."
"That's ok. I think it's probably a good thing I don't understand." His head came to rest on Ghost's shoulder and absentmindedly, he ran his hands through the soft brown hair. "Just don't go disappearing on me again. I was worried about you."
"I'm sorry. It was just something I needed to do."
"I know, but let me know you're leaving next time. Please?" The look in Roach's eyes, the hurt that he'd been left without any explanation, pierced Ghost's heart like a knife.
"I promise." He said and hugged him tightly.
"Good or otherwise I'll come chasing after you." There was a teasing tone to his voice and Ghost knew he was forgiven. "Come on, let's get inside you must be tired."
"I wouldn't say no to a warm bed." Roach's eyes widened slightly but then he smiled. It was a different smile, a coy one and it sent a shiver down Ghost's spine. "Wait... that's not what I meant."
"Oh really?" But the next moment Roach laughed and the expression vanished. "Shame, I might've taken you up on that offer. Maybe next time then."
"Maybe."
Somehow the thought of sex had eluded his thoughts since that one time at Christmas. That day they'd been alone and almost slept together. Ghost hadn't thought about sex with Roach often, more out of self-preservation than anything. He didn't want to let those thoughts creep in and ruin his friendship with the other man. But now there was a distinct possibility that they could have that kind of relationship if he wanted it.
Too lost in his thoughts, Ghost didn't realise where they were heading until they stopped outside his door. Roach looked at him hesitantly for a moment. "Goodnight, Ghost." He said softly, not quite looking him in the face.
"Roach.." He grabbed his hands and squeezed them. "I'm not saying I don't want to. But I don't think I'm ready for that yet."
"I know." The bittersweet smile was hard to look at. It didn't belong on Roach's face.
Without much thought, Ghost pulled up his balaclava and leaned down to kiss him. When he pulled back he was pleased to see Roach was smiling. "I'm getting there, I promise."
"Don't push yourself. This is fine." Roach kissed him again lightly. "I don't want to pressure you into something like that."
"You're not." So many feelings that he couldn't explain were pressing in on him. "I find you... attractive."
Roach laughed again. "Thanks. I find you attractive too."
"Well good." Another kiss followed that.
"Goodnight, Ghost. I'll see you tomorrow." Roach whispered before letting go of him and stepping back.
"Count on it."
