Chapter 19:

"We've got him!" Price jabbed at the papers in front of him with a broad smile. "This hotel in the Arabian Peninsula, it's his only option now. Soap, how long until the men are ready?"

"A week, maybe two. Better plan this right as this could be our only shot at taking down Makarov." Soap was already busy writing up plans.

Ghost was staring at a photo of the Russian.

"With Makarov gone, the world can breathe easy again. For a while." Price glanced over at him. "What do you think?"

"I think the sooner we get the bastard, the better."

"Right you are."

Chaos reigned over that following week as they prepared for the final assault. Everyone was in high spirits, well everyone except Ghost. He was still trying to deal with the sudden dual desires for his future. No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't decide what was best. Not that he had much free time to think at the moment, there was still so much to do before the assault.

"Ghost get some rest, we've got this covered." Soap told him one afternoon as they checked off the equipment lists. "I know you've got another session with Michelle so don't miss it."

"You sure? This is important after all."

"I can handle it." Soap reassured him. "Go talk to her."

"I owe you one." Ghost handed him the list of papers he'd been checking and left. All afternoon he'd been worrying about missing this appointment and apparently that had shown. Soap was a good friend, maybe it was time he paid the man back for all the kindness he had shown him.

...

"Where does this end, your mission with the military?"

"Once Makarov's dead the Task Force will be dissolutioned."

"So where will you go next?"

Ghost sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back in the chair as he tried to sort out the mess of emotions and thoughts he always got when this topic came up.

Most of their team was retiring, a few like Worm and Ozone had been talking of reenlisting. The thought had occurred to him too but he was now in his mid-thirties and tired of fighting. What else did he have though?

A few years ago he would have said nothing. Now however, he could say he had Roach, a future. That was if he could ever find the strength to do that. Every time he thought of that future it scared him senseless. How was he supposed to go back to being a civilian? Not only that, but be in a relationship with Roach? A real one.

Ghost looked down at his hands and frowned. "Some days I almost feel normal, y'know? Like none of it ever happened. But then the next day I could wake up and it feels like I've just crawled out of that damn coffin."

"We all have our good days and our bad ones. What matters is how you decide to cope with these ups and downs. It's not as easy as me saying 'you're cured' and that's it." Michelle sighed and looked at him over her glasses with a small frown. "What about Gary?"

He felt a rush of warmth as his thoughts turned to Roach. "These feelings... I want to protect him... to make him happy. He's been everything to me and I want to be everything for him too." It was hard to talk about Roach, even now, even though she knew how he felt about the man. "He deserves so much better than me."

"It's not about what we deserve, but what we want." Ghost looked up at her sharply. "He wants you and you want him. There will never be this right time you're waiting for, this perfect moment. You will have to make a choice, you have to decide if you want a real relationship with him."

"What if I screw it up?"

Michelle laughed gently. "Then you screw it up. Some relationships aren't meant to last. Every day you have to fight for your relationship, you have to make a conscious choice to want to be there. From what you've told me, you two are already in a relationship, just without any of the benefits."

"Huh, I've never thought of it that way." Now that she had said it, Ghost realised it was true. What everyone said a relationship was, he already had with Roach. Aside from a few kisses over the past year, they hadn't done anything physical.

"You never answered my question you know."

"Which one?"

"What will you do next?"

"I..." Ghost trailed off. "I want to be with Roach."

"So why aren't you?"

Why wasn't he?

Because they had chosen not to. Because he kept saying over and over he wasn't ready. Was he not ready? Or was he just scared?

"I'm scared." Ghost let out a shaky breath and laughed. "I'm scared I'm not enough for him and as soon as he realises that, I'll lose him."

Michelle leaned forward with a smile. "Do you think he would still be waiting for you if you weren't enough?"

"I don't..."

No of course he wouldn't. Roach loves you. He would never leave you.

There it was again. That small voice inside his head that was growing stronger and stronger. The voice of reason, the voice of hope.

Ghost smiled. "No, he wouldn't."

"So what are you waiting for?"

...

Ten minutes later Ghost had found Roach. He was in the rec room with Poet but looked up and smiled as he approached. "What's up?"

"Can we talk?" Something in his face must've shown because Roach immediately stood. "Great, come with me."

"I'll catch you later Poet," Roach said before following him. Ghost led the way back to his room and ushered him inside. "Is everything ok, you seem on edge."

"What? Yeah, everything's fine." Ghost took off his shades and balaclava before running a hand through his hair. "I just need to tell you something."

"Ok."

Roach sat down and Ghost followed him, reaching out to take his hands. "Roach I... I want to be with you. After this with Makarov, once he's dead. I'm going to leave the military. I want a future with you, not a bullet to the head." Roach looked stunned. "I care about you, so much. I-" But he still couldn't say the words.

He didn't need to though because Roach understood. "Me too." He said softly.

Then they were kissing. It was the type of kiss they'd shared only once before. Back then they had stopped because it hadn't been the right time. Now however, Ghost knew it was the right time. He wasn't scared of intimacy anymore, especially not with Roach who knew him better than anyone.

Suddenly Roach pulled back. "Five minutes," He whispered against his lips and then he was gone.

Ghost sat up and tried to clear his head. Where had Roach gone? He heard the shower turn on and after a few moments, he realised the other man was prepping himself and felt his cheeks flush as his arousal grew. Lying back down, Ghost covered his face and sighed deeply as he tried to calm himself down. It had been a long time since he'd had sex. Even thinking about it made him nervous to the point of nausea.

Then Roach was back. The sight of him in only a towel, skin still damp made his throat go dry. Roach caught sight of his expression and gave an embarrassed smile. "What? Never seen a guy in a towel before?"

He had of course. It was an unfortunately common sight at the base when you went into the shower room. But this felt very different and much more intimate.

Roach was back on the bed and kissing him again. Ghost could barely breathe, the kisses and touches Roach was bestowing on him were making his mind spin out of control. Without realising it he found himself naked and Roach without his towel still sat on top of him. Suddenly he pulled back and handed him something. Looking down in confusion, Ghost saw it was lube.

"Roach-"

"We can stop at any time. Just say the word." He was holding his hand looking at him so earnestly that Ghost felt his misgivings slip away. After a moment he nodded and popped the cap on the bottle to pour some out. It was cold and he hissed slightly when it came into contact with his burning skin. Roach only laughed quietly before kissing him again and taking the bottle back. After a few minutes, he pulled away again. "Ready?"

"Yeah." Ghost replied, breathing deeply and calmly to keep his nerves in check. The last thing he wanted to do was freak out and have an episode. "Go ahead."

"Don't look so tense." Roach teased, kissing him softly.

Then slowly but surely, he could feel Roach lowering himself onto him, guiding him inside. Ghost wasn't sure what he expected, maybe that he would find himself back with Roba and Pilar. But he didn't. It was just him and Roach and the astonishingly amazing warmth that now surrounded him.

"Okay?" Roach asked softly, trailing kisses across his jaw.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Do you wanna try moving then?" There it was again, that teasing voice and Ghost grinned, grabbing his hips. Before Roach could say anything else he was on his back and his eyes widened in surprise. Ghost kissed him to stop the smart ass comment that was sure to come and started moving.

Why had they waited so long to do this?

It was amazing, Roach's body was so warm and inviting and his lips felt so good against his own. Then, before Ghost could register what was happening, it was over. He pressed his head into Roach's chest, panting hard as he tried to figure out what the hell just happened. He'd never had this problem before, so why now?

"Ghost?" Roach asked, fingers combing through his hair. "Did you just cum?"

Embarrassment swept in so quickly that he pulled away from Roach and sat on the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands. How long had he lasted? A minute, maybe two?

"Hey, it's ok." Roach's arms were around him, that soothing voice trying to calm him down.

"I'm sorry." He finally replied stiffly. "It's been a long time."

"It's fine." Roach grabbed his chin and forced him to turn. Then they were kissing again. "It doesn't matter. But..." He hesitated before grabbing his hand and pulling him closer. "Maybe you could help me out?"

Relief. That's all he felt at that moment as Roach kissed him again and moved his hand lower. Then he was touching Roach and the quiet, suppressed noises he was making drove all other thoughts out of his mind.

Afterwards, as they lay together with Roach in his arms, Ghost couldn't believe how content he felt. All his life he had accepted that he would never have a relationship like this, that he would never find someone who could understand him so well. How had he gotten so lucky?

"Ghost?"

"Yeah?"

"When you said it's been a long time..." He hesitated but Ghost kissed him, letting him know it was ok to continue. "How long is that exactly?"

"Over ten, nearly fifteen years now, I can't remember exactly." His arms tightened around the younger man, puller him closer. "I couldn't... I've not been able to..." His voice trailed off as his thoughts returned to the darkest places of his mind.

Roach brought him back suddenly with a kiss. "Don't go there," He said softly. "Stay with me, please."

"I'm here with you, Roach."

"Gary. Call me Gary when it's just us."

"I'm with you, Gary." It felt strange to be using his proper name, but in a way, it also felt more intimate. Ghost hesitated as he looked down into those green eyes that he'd come to care for so much. "Then call me… Simon… When it's just us."

Gary's smile was so sweet it made his heart stutter. "Ok, Simon." It was the first time he'd called him that directly and again the intimacy between them felt so charged at that moment he couldn't help but kiss Gary until he couldn't breathe.

Simon. For the first time in years he was Simon again.

"I love you," Gary whispered, arms tightening around him.

"I... me too." He tried to put all the meaning into those words and it seemed to work because Gary's smile was heartbreakingly beautiful. "So much."

"Promise you'll never let go."

"I promise."