Chapter three: The Sibyl War
Discalimer: I don't own the bible, or america.
Now it is the chapter about the Sibyl War.
Thomas Jeffer's son kept a buncha slaves in his house. He opposed slavery in principal, but the reality of the time was they didn't have air conditioning, so someone had to be hot and sweaty to wave the big fig leaf fan thingies while others were cool and comfortable, so to speak. Of course, relying on that excuse too long results in no one inventing air conditioning... hm... well anyway he also rapped some of his black women slaves which was mean, so one of them, Sally Hemmingway, no doubt the ancestor of shakespeare hemmingway, agreed to be graped by him her wholelife in exchange for her children's freedom.
It was a shitty poop deal, but probably the best one she could have gotten. Anyway, shakespeare hemmingway is a great author, and sally hemmingway was no different because women are better at righting according to women. Her stories about the legendary garfield would inpsire her descendant. Garfield's still kind of a dick though.
You see one day, the black women among the slaves started a seein' into the future, which they can do because it's a power given to them by Lord Santa. The south, being mostly christian and therefore illiterate thought that santa was satan and started beating all the slaves with the large clubs. The north caught wind of it though and saw them beating their slaves with large clubs and said "HEY! if they can see into the future, why not use that gift to play the stock market and make millions, instead of beating them with the large clubs?"
"Now liyusten heeyer yoo northern type yankees! Bleyuss yer hearts! These them here slaves is ourn n' besides seein' inta the future is the debbil," said The South.
But the north wanted the slaves to be grateful to them so they attacked the south, a doin' the right thing for the worng reasons because they only wanted money and not to do the right thing just to be neighborly which to be fair was still better than the south enslaving people because they were too lazy to invent cranes and bull dozers, but it most definitely wasn't out of the goodness of the north's heart and that should be rememberated.
So the south made a confederacy and it attacked Fort Summer where it's always summer and has nice beaches in south carolina where the ocean is bordering the state named that. The south thought that the britishlandians would help them because their current king, King Cotton, hated the union more than any other britishlandian king evar. But King Cotton couldn't help because he had cotton stuck in his ears so when his advisors advised him to attack the north while the attacking was attackable, he couldn't hear them say that.
Then Jesus came, and he admonished the south by saying "Seeing into the future isn't the devil, for I see into the futrue all the time and I most certainly am not the devil!" Some of the osuth used this as an excuse to keep enslaving the porr black folks, because their thinking was just that twisted and they hated black people for no reason. So they beat them even harder with the even larger clubs.
Eventually the north discovered a private soldier named Useless Grunt. So named because he was a Useless Grunt. But they were desperate and had to try something because the south was winning, so they thought maybe he'd make a better general. And it turned out he did because he challenged Robert E. Lee to a duel with lightsabars. Robert E. Leo accepted.
And they did a saber clash immediately, and then General Useless Asa Grunt force kinesised Robert E. Lee away, but Rupert E. Lee leapt up immediately and did a force jump and slashed at Ulusess Gruntilda. And both of their lightsabars were red I forgot to mention that before. Then Useless Grunt used force lightning, but Robert E. Lee lightninged right back, so they both died but useless grunt only mostly died, so the south surrendeered because their own sith lord was dead.
Next chapter we discuss the underground railroad and the drinking gourd what were happening at the same time.
