Fanfiction
Disclaimer: I don't any of the works mentioned in this fic.
He flipped the pages, growing increasingly more frantic as he searched for a sign, any sign of this being a joke. The turning of pages had grown so frantic, that by now, Ron had noticed something wrong by his questioning look.
"I'm so confused right now," he said, his tone adding to that.
"Why?" Ron asked, a slice of toast half-way from his mouth.
"Some head-case sent me," he held up the letter, written with a ballpoint pen on printer paper, "this. Twelve pages of story that she wrote for me, and I'm not sure if she's serious and I actually should 'go to America and join this'," he squinted at the text of the last line of the cursed story, "group known as the X-Men or just send a letter back to her saying, 'Ha, ha, good joke.' I mean, was she high on something while writing this?"
"Lemme see that," exclaimed Ron, taking a big bite of the toast as he snatched it from his fingers. For a minute, the only sound was that of Ron's chewing. Then, he stared at him, incredulity in his eyes. "Since when were you a lord?"
"Wait, what?"
"Apparently, you're this, let me see," Ron started, turning the page. "Lord Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Houses of Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter. I guess this means we're related."
"Oh shut it," he said, flinging a piece of bacon at him and missed.
"Wait a minute," his face turned more and more confused as he re-read the first and second page. "Who's Hadrian?"
"Some Roman dude that built a wall. I think."
"Yeah, yeah, but why is this," he flipped to the back page,"'XxFloriannaxxiloveDracoMalfoyxX' calling you that?"
Taking a sip of his tea, Harry shrugged.
"She also calls you Harrison, spells it differently a couple of times, Harold, Henry," Ron started.
"Henry was my great-grandfather," he corrected.
But Ron paid him no mind. "Harvey..."
"Hold up, Harvey?"
"Hadley...wait, HADLEY?"
"Gimme that," he said, plucking it from the redhead's hands. His eyes scanned the text as he read aloud the fateful words:-
'As he drank the disgusting liquid, his skin bubbled, his features turning more feminine. There was no pain, no terrible side effect like he thought, just a plain transition from male to female. A few moments later found a fifteen-year-old auburn haired girl with hazel eyes dressed in baggy pants and a white school shirt. He sniffed at them, turning his nose up as he transfigured them into a skirt, a well fitting shirt and his house robes. He was ready to go when he halted. Since he was a girl, he should have a girl name. He racked his name, thinking of a suitable name. Reminiscent of his old name, Harry, but enough to show that he was a girl now. Well, he should start calling himself 'she' now, she guessed. A word popped up in her mind, 'Hadley'. Hadley. She liked the sound of that. Hadley Potter, the Girl-Who-Lived.'
"The thing is," Ron said, "the writing's not that bad. It's the idea that is."
He remained silent as Ron continued to talk, flipping the pages. "I mean, are you Hadrian, Harisson, Harrison, Harold, Henry, Harvey or Hadley? Let me see that."
The letter changed hands again. And then Ron started laughing uncontrollably. "What?" he snapped at his flat mate.
Ron looked at him, his blue eyes shining with humor. "Good news, you get turned back into a boy," he said. Oh, thank Merlin! "And you're in some place known as Middle Earth, even though this blonde, shiny veela like person with pointy ears known as Legless calls it Arda Marred once or twice."
"Legless?" he exclaimed, incredulity dripping from his voice.
"What, I thought you read it!"
"Not that far in."
The freckled boy nodded. "Okay. So, as I was saying, you're in this group with people known as um..." he checked the text, "Boremedear, Gandelf, Argon, Gimling, Pippin, Froggo, Merry, Sam and Bill. Oh, wait a minute, you heard them wrong, it's actually Legolas, Boromir, Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Pippin, Merry, Frodo and Sam. Bill's a horse."
"Oh, wait a minute," he interrupted. "Am I seriously in the Lord of the Rings?"
"What's that?"
"Um...it's books, I'll lend them to you later."
"So, now, Malfoy's in there with you and you're, eurgh, that's just wrong!"
"What the heck is going on there?"
Serious eyes stared at him even as their owner fought down the urge to laugh. "I regret to inform you of the fact, Mr. Potter, but you're pregnant."
"Pregnant!"
"By Malfoy," his friend relished the words as he told them to his friend.
"How?"
"Do you want the details?"
"No!"
Ron however paid him no mind. "I'll read it aloud to you:-
'He gazed into the jewels that were his boyfriend's eyes. Like emeralds they were, as precious and as beautiful as them. Right now, they were darkened with lust and longing as he bared his teeth exposing his pearly whites. His lips were a luscious pink and plump and bow shaped and he quickly dropped a kiss on them. The kiss grew deeper and deeper and their bodies molded into one as one of his hands dropped down on his-'"
"Enough!" yelled Harry, launching himself across the table. The tea went flying, and the crockery and all the food in them dropped to the floor. He placed his hand on his friend's face, and immediately retracted it, staring at his friend with incredulity. "Did you seriously lick me?"
"So, now you're in America," Ron continued, ignoring the raven haired male. "And apparently you have a brother you never knew about."
"What's his name?"
"Percy Jackson."
"Nope, I don't believe I have a brother, let alone one named such. We don't even have the same surname!"
"Ah, you see, your mother cheated on your dad with this dude named Poseidon, who is he anyways?"
"Some Greek dude," he said, too far gone to elaborate. His mind was still processing the fact that he was not James Potter's son.
"Yeah, he's immortal, so, you go to this place known as Camp Half-Blood, where you cheat on Draco with this chick called Silena Beauregard. Know her?"
"Nope," he popped the 'n'. "But she sounds posh. And French."
"Anyways, now the both of you go on a quest to search for this dude known as the Doctor, and-"
"Doctor Who?" he asked.
"'Precisely!'. So, anyways, you go back to 1776, during the Revolutionary War and you join a choir where you sing a song about this person known as Alexander Hamilton."
"What am I singing?"
"It isn't mentioned," Ron said, turning the pages swiftly. "Nope."
"Go on," Harry sighed.
"And then you get yeeted back to Middle Earth," he started.
"Yeeted?!"
"Yeah, you know. Transported. Dropped."
"Okay. Carry on."
Concerned eyes looked at him as he rubbed his forehead with his fingers. "Are you okay?"
"No."
Ron started to say something but was interrupted by the doorbell. Harry got up from his seat and went to answer the door. "Hermione!" he exclaimed.
"Hi, boys," she said, walking into their flat and sinking into the sofa. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, some nutter named 'XxFloriannaxxiloveDracoMalfoyxX' sent Harry a letter," Ron replied, getting up to give his girlfriend a kiss on the lips.
"Twelve pages of story," Harry said, abandoning his breakfast and coming to sit beside the couple.
"So far, he's been turned into a girl, sent to someplace known as Middle Earth, joined a gang with a bunch of people with odd names, got transported to Camp Half-Blood, wherever it may be, met a time-travelling alien, got pregnant, joined a choir and got yeeted back to Middle Earth once again," Ron specified.
"Sounds interesting," the bushy haired girl mused.
"It is not," said Harry. "It's traumatizing."
"Do you want me to read the rest?" Ron asked.
"Go ahead."
"Sure."
Ron picked up the letter again, picking up from where he had left off. "So, in Middle Earth, you cheat on Silena with a veela-like dude named Legolas."
"He was in the fellowship."
"Yeah," agreed Ron. "But then you cheat on him with another dude known as Aragorn while Hermione..." He trailed off.
"What?" demanded she.
"Do you really think that of me?" Tears were welling up in his eyes.
"Think what of you?"
""News has come from Rohan," said Aragorn. "It says that a redheaded boy has been found dead, killed by orcs."," read Ron. ""Oh no, Ron!" Hermione gasped.
"Harry looked at his friend in astonishment. "Are you seriously mourning for that jerk, 'Mione?""
"Of course, I don't think that of you," Harry exclaimed. "You're my best mate."
"Thanks," Ron sniffed.
"I think I'll read the rest," Hermione declared.
She snatched the paper, her eyes skimming through the pages as she turned them frantically. "That's physically impossible!"
"What's physically impossible?" asked Ron.
"Jumping up falling stones as if they were stairs," exclaimed the bushy haired girl, her eyes angry. "This dude named...Legolas...does this."
Ah yes, Legolas the Legless, the veela man with pointy ears who was a Robin Hood impostor.
Apparently, he also had super powers.
"Oh, Hermione, he's this magical dude who had an affair with Harry," said Ron, leaning back, his earlier sadness forgotten.
"He's also a physics defying elf," sniffed Hermione, her nose turned up as she stared down at the offending papers.
A few moments later, all three of them were laughing as Hermione sung out the lyrics:
"Robin Hood and Little John, walking through the forest
Laughing back and forth at what the other one has to say
Reminiscing this and that and having such a good time
Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly, what a day
Never ever thinking there was danger in the water
They were drinking, they just guzzled it down
Never dreaming that a scheming sheriff and his posse
Was a-watching them and gathering around
Robin Hood and Little John, running through the forest
Jumping fences, dodging trees and trying to get away
Contemplating nothing but escape and finally making it
Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly, what a day
Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly, what a day!"
"That's from the 1973 Disney adaptation of Robin Hood," gasped Hermione.
His lungs hurt.
"I haven't seen it," Ron proclaimed.
Hermione gasped(again) in scandal. She looked at him for support. He raised his hands in surrender, shrugging. "I haven't seen it," he admitted. "But I have heard the song. Dudley sang it for a week after watching the movie." He shuddered at the memory.
"This is outrageous!" declared Hermione.
"We'll watch it together," he said, trying to calm her. "On a free Sunday."
She smiled at him and returned to the 'story', if it could even be called that.
"So, now you get back to America through a...portal? It's not really clear. Anyways, in America, you open a bakery and join this bunch of men and women who call themselves 'The Avengers'. You also become part of the Marvel Bunch, whatever it is."
Okay.
"And you date a girl named Natasha Romanoff, she's a former Russian spy, by the way. You become friends with a magic doctor and a super human who can apparently time-travel, no wait, he was stuck in ice, but doesn't age, so he fought in World War II."
Definitely not weird. Keep smiling, Hadri-no, Harry. His name is Harry. Gah!
"Sooooo, you're now in the Arthurian myths, and friends with Merlin."
That did it. "Wait, time-out!" he said, creating a T with his hands. "Merlin? The bearded man, the mentor of King Arthur?!"
"Apparently, the myths were wrong and he was his servant all along," Hermione said, unaffected. Ron was hyperventilating, he was hysterical and the one he expected to be screaming in disbelief was as cool as a cucumber. "I'll have to take note of that."
"HOW THE FRICKIN' HELL ARE YOU SO CALM!?" he half screamed, half shouted at her. "HOW?!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She smirked at him, but kept silent.
"You know, this writer's a genius," she said, flipping through the pages. "Hey, here's a link for a YouTube video. She says to copy paste the link on the browser. I would do that, but I don't think I can copy-paste, let alone have a computer. But," she paused, dramatically. "She left us the lyrics. I'll say them aloud for you."
Clearing her throat, she started in her clear voice:
"Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hoppity over hill and dale, da da da da da! Friday, Friday, get down on John Madden. Mamma mia, pappa pia, baby got the diarheaaaaaaaaaa! I was strolling on the moon one day, in the merry, merry month of December, when much to my surprise, a pair of bonnie eyes!"
"It's official," Ron declared. "She was drunk."
"There's a few last words too," pored Hermione. "She says that we're, oh no!"
"What?"
She looked up to meet his eyes. Her brown eyes were filled with dread. "We're book characters."
Oh. "Do you believe her?" he asked her.
"Yeah, 'Mione!" Ron added, ignoring Hermione's glare. "It's obviously not true."
Hermione relaxed, laughing. "Yeah."
In a room far away in India, a teenage girl with short boyish messy hair and purple glasses was typing on her laptop. She was sitting on her bed. "I think that's enough," she said. "Time to edit! Yay!"
She lay down, her legs still folded. "I'll do it tomorrow."
Then she sat back up. "No!" she declared. "There are readers awaiting. Besides, it won't take that long."
That's all. I hope you liked it. One more note before you all go type furious reviews saying 'they're out of character', and 'how could you?'. This is a crack fic, as well as a parody.
Anyways, it took me more than a week to write this. Sheesh, it was hard. But, I finally finished it guys.
Review, and if you can, tell me who the girl with purple glasses is. Bye, and I hope to see you soon! ~LOBlack
