TW / Depression, Suicide

A/N: Today's chapter contains depression and an attempted suicide. If these are sensitive topics or triggers, please do not continue reading beyond this point. Your mental health is more important!


ATK1734 & Lumina, thanks for your helpful feedback and support! :) Today's chapter is a bit different and I don't know if you'll like it, but here goes Wednesday's update.


CHAPTER XII.

Life, Loss & Love


Lightning

This was no good.

A week had passed from the almost-kiss, and I hadn't spoken to Cloud at all.

I knew shutting him out was the worst. It didn't achieve anything, and I was distancing myself for… for what? As a precaution? I didn't want to experience the hurt of knowing. What if the affair had been recent, and it was the reason Zack was hurting? I didn't want Cloud to fall from the pedestal I had placed him on. I looked up to him in some ways and this was the last thing I wanted to confirm about him. I was afraid of knowing the truth, the worst possible truth, so I kept delaying. The possibility of being wrong was there, but the pessimist in me continued to imagine the worst.

I spent almost all of my time with the Turks this week. Reno had recovered from his flu and was glad to return to work. Apparently Rude had forced some 'nasty porridge' down his throat three days in a row and he was happy he could eat 'actual food' again. Elena was excited she could finally try and schedule a date with Tseng now that Reno was back. And Rude had just gotten a weapon upgrade. With the Turks, there was a comfort and familiarity that relieved me from my thoughts for a while. It was like being back in the military.

But then the anxiety would return. And it wasn't only what Aerith had said in the cafe. Two additional things had happened, one of which was certain. The first was just my intuition, a feeling of being 'watched.' It came and went, but it was always worse when I was in the city. I felt like something or someone was keeping an eye on me from the shadows, always one step behind me. It made me nervous. My entire life, my 'intuition' had never been wrong and I was excellent at perceiving and predicting enemies before they had revealed themselves in the military. Still, at least this I could dismiss as paranoia.

The other thing could not be dealt with that easily.

Zack's behavior started getting progressively worse. It was subtle at first, like just gazing out of windows wordlessly, spacing out. Then small jokes that never used to annoy him before started getting a hostile reaction out of him. Within a week's time he had both stopped hanging out with us during the day and stopped returning to his room at night. Cloud was worried too, but now that I was not answering his texts or calls, it was impossible to share this worry with me. He confided in Tifa who told me, but I couldn't bring myself to face him.

Apparently Zack had stopped seeing everyone, including Aerith, and nobody knew where he spent the days and nights.

A few days ago, I had waited for him until late at night, checking for signs of him in the security cameras. He had entered through the north entrance at ungodly hours and I intercepted him there, but he tried to pretend everything was alright.

"Isn't it way past your bedtime, dude?" He had asked but his own eyes looked like he hadn't slept in days.

"Zack, listen to me," I took a step closer, holding my hand out towards him. "I know what's going on, I have seen this before. I don't know what happened but… you need to let me help you. Please. Just talk to me. You said I am your dude for life, didn't you?"

Zack almost took my hand, before withdrawing his hand away and staring at me quietly. He deliberated, opened his mouth and shut it again. There was silence between us, but I gazed straight into his blue eyes, trying to convey my sincerity.

It didn't work this time.

"Sorry Light, I need you to let me go right now," he had said in a voice above a whisper.

"Zack!" I had shouted after him, but he had started walking away from me. I thought he will go back to his room to sleep, but when I asked Tifa the next morning, it seemed that Cloud had waited up for him all night last night and Zack never went back.

Then… where had he gone?

It was Saturday and the first snow had finally arrived. I marveled at the snowflakes falling from the sky, trying to catch a few in my palm. In doing so, I had made a mistake. I had lost myself in the moment, unaware of my surroundings.

Suddenly the bench where I was sitting was occupied by someone else. Cloud was sitting quietly next to me, careful not to disturb me. We both didn't say anything to each other.

"Farron, can we talk?" He asked me, guarded, careful.

I didn't look at him as I answered. "Shoot."

He seemed taken aback at my cold attitude, but said nothing for a while. Finally, he spoke again, and I was happy just to hear his voice again. "You've been well?"

"Yeah, you?" I replied mechanically.

"I have been fine… you have been ignoring me," He had said the truth, but I denied it as I angrily stared at him. His cerulean blue eyes looked hurt and confused.

"No, that's not true," I lied to his face.

"Then, let's um," he cleared his throat, not calling me out on my obvious bullshit. "Let's grab a bite to eat. Just you and-"

"Sorry Strife. Look, I need to figure some stuff out and being around you doesn't help so, I am sorry but I can't even- look at you right now." I don't know why I was so cold with my words. Did I already internally believe that he was having an affair with Aerith? Did I want to hurt him, to punish him?

Not only for hurting Zack but… for hurting me?

"Fine," he replied, masking his shock with his usual cool expression. "Enjoy the snow, Farron." He added in a soft voice, not matching the anger I had unfairly released on him. He stood up, glanced at me one last time and walked away with dignity.

Somehow the Ferris Wheel had started becoming a memory we shared in the past. I wondered if Cloud and I could never recover from this fight, if you could call it that.

I spent some time in Serah's room, just idling. "Claire…" Hearing my real name was rare. Serah only used it when it was just the two of us. "What's going on with you and Cloud?"

I sat on the floor, my head resting against Serah's bed. She sat on her bed, legs dangling next to me as she rocked her feet back and forth.

"I have a feeling it's not going to work out…" I admitted honestly, since it was just Serah around. "It just…. I am not cut out for love, Serah. Killing someone, sure? Loving someone...I don't think I can do it."

"Is it because of mom and dad?" Serah's question shook me. I took a deep breath, staring at my hands in my lap.

"Sometimes I wonder if it's that. Sometimes it feels like it's just me."

Serah nodded understandingly, placing her palms on her knees and bending forward, her pigtails hanging loosely by her face. She smiled at me.

"Claire," I looked up to face her. "Do you like him?"

Now that she was looking at me, I found it impossible to lie. "I do." I replied naturally, as if it was a matter-of-fact.

"Then, why don't you try?" Her hand reached out towards me and mine followed. She gave my hand a gentle squeeze. "Try harder," she encouraged me, reading my troubled expression. "I know you think you'll be happy as long as I am happy-"

"But that's really all I wan-" I started but Serah interrupted me.

"Claire, I'll be happy when you are happy. When you have your own happiness. Don't you get it? I am the same. I am your sister, not your daughter. You have to find the things that make your heart flutter."

I thought about it for a while, resting my head against her knees. I closed my eyes, just wanting to rest.

I was tired, I wanted to fix things with Cloud.

My phone rang, and I jumped up to answer. "Reno?"

"Hi beautiful, just calling to let you know that Zack Fair just got back on campus. He's just went into the cafe," Reno spoke cheerfully into the receiver. "Remind me why we are stalking him? I am pretty sure I can get fired for this."

"Sorry Reno, I appreciate it. I promise I'll treat you for this," I said as gently as I could and this seemed to have satisfied him.

"Fine, if it means spending an evening with you, I'll do it. Anyway, I'll text you if he moves again."

"Thanks, appreciate it." I ended the call as Serah looked at me carefully.

"Claire… is something else going on?"

"No, nothing," I didn't want to worry her. "I need to do something but, I'll tutor you guys later."

Serah threw her arms around me in a hug as we both stood up. "You're the best! Our goddess! Our savior!" I chuckled in response, forgetting everything for just a few seconds.

I left Serah's room, running out of the dormitory. Jogging over to the cafe, I was glad to find that Zack was still there. I wanted to talk to him, but Cloud was also there, patting his shoulder encouragingly. They didn't look like they were on bad terms. On the contrary, they looked quite close. Zack seemed to be talking to Cloud seriously about something and Cloud was nodding patiently, listening to the taller male. Zack's head fell into his hands, he was frustrated and sad. Cloud released a loud sigh, asking him to wait as he got them something to drink.

I waited behind the door, unable to move. I wanted to see Zack too, but maybe it was better if I gave him space. Cloud and Zack were old friends, and blondie looked like he knew what he was doing.

Something didn't feel right and I decided to hang out here in case Cloud needed my help.

When Cloud was talking to the staff, ordering their drinks, Zack looked over his shoulder to see Cloud once. Then he took his cell phone out of his pocket and left it on the table, slipping his hands in his pockets as he hurried out of the cafe.

I hid out of sight until he was out of the building. I wanted to warn Cloud, but I didn't want to leave Zack alone, so I followed the blue haired male. I sent a quick text, explaining to Cloud what had happened.

Zack just left the cafe. I am trailing him. I'll text you where he's going.

I followed Zack towards the east gate. The busiest part of the city lay outside that gate, with not as many students in the area. It was inhabited mainly by singles and families, working around the university town.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I answered.

"Farron, Zack Fair is approaching the east gate. He looks like a zombie. Should I stall and keep him in?"

I thought about it for a few seconds.

"If he hits me, you'll have to make up for it with a kiss-"

"No thanks. Just let him walk out normally. I'm trailing him."

"Roger that, be careful." Reno said before hanging up swiftly. I took a deep breath.

Okay Zack, show me where you're going.

Zack walked for a long time. It felt like the walk would never end, and he wasn't paying much attention to where he was going which worried me with every step he took. I texted Cloud our location, my eyes never leaving Zack.

I'm coming.

Cloud's text, just those two words, were oddly comforting. I felt the feeling of safety that I had experienced when we slept together. Just for a moment. It felt good.

I focused, watching Zack buy a pack of cigarettes. I didn't know Zack smoked. He smoked a few cigarettes in silence as it began to snow again. He was hunching even as he leaned against the wall outside the convenience store. I just wanted to go out there and hug him, but I couldn't. I needed to wait for Cloud. He would know what to do.

After finishing his cigarettes, he reached into his pocket. He had a train ticket of some sort. He held it with care, caressing it as he stared at it for a few minutes. Then he began walking towards the train station. My feet picked up pace, but the familiar roar of Cloud's motorcycle slowed me down. There he was with his spiky hair, parking his motorcycle nearby. Cloud raced over to my side when he was done. "Where is he?"

"He went in there…" I pointed to the train station.

"Let's go," He nodded at me before we both began sprinting inside. Luckily the station was not crowded at this time. Zack was crouching on the floor near one of the tracks, his head tucked away between his arms.

This train will not be stopping at this station.

As the train approached, Zack finally stood up.

I was right. This is what it was.

Cloud and I both ran towards Zack, frantically calling his name. He seemed far away from us, like he had slipped into a dark place where he couldn't hear us.

"Zack!"

Cloud and I jumped at him from behind. I grabbed his waist, sliding to my knees as I held him back. Cloud grabbed him around the chest and steadied him. The train whooshed by us all, the air blasting our hair back.

I panted, unable to move for a while. The trauma I had repressed came surfacing back, but I had to fight it. I just had to.

Cloud handled it much better than I did. After steadying Zack, he very gently raised his hand to lightly tap Zack's cheek, not releasing his hold on the male.

"Cloud…?" He replied and the blonde breathed a sigh of relief.

"Light's here too…" His hands moved down and touched mine and I did my damn best to not start crying right there and then.

"Let's g-go," I tried my best to hide the tremendous stress I had felt in those last few moments as I got up. Cloud and I were trying to take Zack back, but we were stopped by the station police that had witnessed everything.

"Is he okay?" One of the officers worriedly glanced at Zack between us. We held onto him protectively.

"He's fine." I threw my most powerful death glare at the officers until they let us pass.

"Let's get a taxi," Cloud searched for vehicles nearby and I looked at him, astounded.

"What about Fenrir?" Cloud loved that bike more than anything.

"I'll pick it up later. Need to get Zack back."

But not as much as he loved Zack.

I was wrong. There was no way Cloud could do something like that to Zack. The taxi ride back was silent. I rested my head against Zack's shoulder and I noticed Cloud was doing the same as we both held onto him tightly. We were afraid that if we removed our hands even for a minute, Zack would slip away. I knew Cloud felt the same when I saw how he was gripping Zack.

It was as if we were the ones holding onto him.

When we arrived, we helped Zack up to their room. He said he wanted to take a hot shower so we let him, with Cloud checking in on him occasionally. Changing into his pajamas, Zack took a seat as I dried his hair. When he was comfortable, he slipped into his bed. Cloud pulled up a chair, squeezing Zack's hand as he held it.

Zack drifted off to sleep at some point. I also sat next to Zack's bed, resting my head on my arms which were placed near him. Zack was breathing peacefully now, but there was no peace for Cloud and I. The sky grew dark, and I could hear ragged breaths, followed by sniffling, behind me.

There was no way I could look over. Because the same feelings started escaping me. I fought back tears as I gripped the sheets of Zack's bed, grateful that he was here right now. After the longest time, there was a soft knock on the door.

Cloud went to open it and Aerith walked in, flowers in her hand. Cloud filled up a glass of water and passed it to Aerith. She placed bright blue flowers in the glass, setting them by his table. "I brought you forget-me-nots, you idiot…" She gently kissed his forehead, spreading her arm around his chest and placing her head there too.

Cloud silently nudged me and I understood, getting up. I grabbed a small blanket we used while gaming and spread it over Aerith, who was holding onto Zack and sobbing.

Closing the door behind us, I followed Cloud out of the building.

"Aerith's staying with him until the morning. I'll go get Fenrir." Cloud finally spoke to me. There was tiredness to his voice that was impossible to miss.

"I'll go with you, if you don't mind." I added in a small voice.

Cloud nodded as we silently walked to the east gate and hailed a taxi.

The ride itself was shorter because there were fewer cars out now. Bars were lit and welcoming with neon signs and people traveled in and out of them. There was laughter and life continued all around us, but we were somehow still.

Snow covered some of his motorcycle, but the rest was exactly how he left it.

"Want to go somewhere?" He asked and I was surprised at his generous offer.

"Yeah, that'll be nice."

The bike roared to life as we sped through the streets, onto an open highway. We drove for sometime, before turning into a narrow, long road. I could smell it. "The sea…?" I asked.

"I come out here sometimes to think." Cloud replied as we came to a stop by a deserted beach. It was a full moon tonight and the waves just crashed against the shore. I kicked off my boots and noticed Cloud doing the same. I picked them up, walking closer to the waves. The sand felt smooth and cool and I had missed the feeling of my feet sinking in it as I walked.

We both sat down, unable to speak to each other. Just processing.

Finally, I spoke. "That's not the first time… is it?"

Cloud looked over to me, surprise evident in his blue eyes. They had a slight glow in the dark. "It's not," he finally answered. "But thanks to you this time, he's okay."

I shook my head. "No, you knew what to do, I just froze."

Cloud pulled up his knees closer, placing his arms on them and resting his head there, staring out into the sea. "You're the one who followed him. Without you, I'd have lost him this time. Thank you."

I fell silent too. My palms in the sand, I leaned back and stretched my legs straight in front of me. I looked up to notice a thousand stars and for a moment it took my breath away.

"There was a time before when we were younger, when I thought I had lost him. I can't tell you how it transformed me."

"I understand," I said softly, letting him continue but Cloud had fallen silent.

"Was that… or is this… because of you and Aerith?" I couldn't help but ask. Cloud looked over at me, perplexed.

"No... but I'll let Zack tell you the reasons himself. As for that, Aerith and I are ancient history. We dated in boarding school, and I didn't even know Zack back then. She was my first love, if you can call it that. She had broken up with Zack, who was off for a semester. I was the new guy and she approached me. I don't know how it started. But when Zack returned the following semester, I realized how much they loved each other and how good they were together. My feelings for Aerith just disappeared over time."

"Oh…" Now I felt really stupid.

"How did you find out about…?" He asked the obvious question and I chuckled.

"Overhead Tifa and Aerith. Tifa was telling Aerith she should've kept you."

Cloud let out a chuckle of his own.

"The first time Tifa visited me in boarding school, she got into a catfight with Aerith. It was hilarious. They were both so stubborn."

I shook my head affectionately. "Mini-Tifa...I am sure she was cute as hell."

"Strange to think they are so close now, but…. I guess we all grew up. A lot of things forced us to grow up."

Silence took over once again. There would be a time to ask more about that, but this wasn't it. I listened to the waves, feeling lighter, better than before.

"Is that… What was on your mind? Aerith and I?" Cloud asked, pushing back his spiky hair as it fell onto his face. I nodded, caught red handed with nowhere to run.

"Yeah… sorry."

Cloud looked down at the sand and my gaze also fell onto it. The sand was glittering under the moonlight.

"You know… I was unfair to you. Somehow I assumed the worst and didn't give you a chance to explain. I just put a sea between us and burned all the boats." I spoke, still staring at the sand. "It's just hard. It's hard for me." I struggled.

Cloud nodded and our eyes met. I felt a sadness wash over me at the distance I had single handedly created between us.

"My parents… they loved each other a lot. You'd think growing up in that kind of house, I would be receptive to love. That I would understand it better than others." I shook my head begrudgingly. "But I can't. My father passed away because he was sick. He was a good dad. After he was gone, my mother changed. She forgot how to be our mother… or even how to be a person. And one day, she went after him, leaving us behind. That's how I knew about Zack. I knew all the signs… I had seen them before."

When I finished Cloud reached out and held my hand, his other arms draped over his knee. The warmth of another human being was kind of magical in this moment.

"I am sorry," he said as I took a deep breath to calm myself.

"So, I'll be full disclosure from now on." I stared into his eyes. "I am sorry that I hurt you. I just don't know any other way to be. I have never done this before…"

Cloud allowed himself to smile, leaning closer to me. "You're a lot better than me. Trust me. I can be pretty petty sometimes."

I raised an eyebrow at him and he moved away, returning to observe the water's movements once more.

"I lashed out at Hope and said you're mine," I actually chuckled out loud at this. It was hard to imagine Hope had managed to get under Spiky's cold skin. I had to praise him for that.

Cloud continued, "I was jealous that you called Zack by his name, but you called me Strife. I was anxious that your coworker was making moves on you. I was probably suffocating you... I was even suffocating myself." He took a deep breath as he explained, "I lost my parents when I was young too. I am actually adopted into my current family. Tifa was my only friend, but I was shipped off to boarding school without her. I befriended Zack there, and then almost lost him. Before I got into college Tifa said she wanted to give up on me, and I decided to date her so I wouldn't lose her. I have seen so much loss that I am…. terrified. An accident, another person, something. Anything can take you away from me, any time."

I admired the honesty that poured out of Cloud in this moment and I reached out to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes, reveling in my touch. "I am sorry for how I have been. I didn't know what to do… I was holding onto you for dear life. I just haven't met anyone like you before," he finished. After a pause, he opened his eyes, surprised to find my eyes waiting. I met his gaze, stroking his cheek.

"Thanks for telling me. You could've just asked me out." I teased as I pulled my hand away. Cloud smirked, shaking his head dejectedly as he looked away.

"I did. But you were asleep."

"Date me, Farron, is not a question." I retorted and Cloud's eyes widened as he recognized the betrayal.

"You were awake?!"

"I was nervous." I admitted, looking away as my cheeks began to heat up. "You make me nervous."

"I was scared of losing you." He said as he picked up some sand. It slipped away from his grip easily. "What were you afraid of?"

I looked thoughtfully at the shore, releasing a sigh. The sand that had slipped from his grip was carried away by the wind. "I was - No, I am. I am afraid of loving someone as much as my mother loved my father."

Cloud nodded. His hand rested on the back of my head, pulling it close as our foreheads touched. Our eyes closed, he spoke, "I promise, we won't be like that. I won't let us."

His reassurance calmed me. I remembered there being a desire I had a long time ago. I kept it stored away in the darkest part of my heart and actively hoped I could bury it once and for all.

Ah, it was this. I felt a warm feeling fill me up. I felt as light as a feather.

I just wanted to be loved.

"I promise you too, you won't lose me." I said as our eyes fluttered open. Cloud let go gently of my head and we pulled away slightly. We both didn't shy away.

"So then, will you go out with me?" He asked in his sweet, boyish voice. I hesitated, blinking slowly.

"I am difficult…"

"I know," he replied as he broke into a smile.

"And sometimes I'll hurt you unintentionally…"

"I know," he moved slowly towards me.

"And you'll always be second to Serah."

"Of course," he inched closer, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"And sometimes I'll make you angry, and we'll fight," I said as he closed the distance between our faces. His lips hovered near mine, but he did not move any further.

"Probably will," he let out a small laugh and I joined him in it.

"I don't know if I'll make you happy-"

"You will if you say yes." He teased and my defenses came crashing down as I placed one of my hands on the back of his neck and nodded.

"F-fine. Don't regret it later." I warned as he nodded hurriedly, his lips pressing against mine with an urgency. I tugged lightly onto his hair, moaning into the kiss as I pushed into it. Cloud fell back on the sand and I tumbled on top of him.

We parted for air. The stars illuminated his eyes and features. I traced the contour of his face with my hand. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist.

"Are you alright?" He asked in concern as I thought about what had happened.

"Worst day ever," I sighed. "I mean, obviously not t-this!" I added and he just chuckled.

"No no, I know. For me too." He pulled me close against his chest as we just lay there in the sand for a few minutes. "Let's go back. Let's go back to Zack." He kissed the top of my head, smiling into my hair.

"Yes," I smiled too, grateful for this, for us, and for the presence of a mutual friend who meant the world to us both.


A/N: I hope everything is explained a bit more through this chapter. I am not using a lot of the source material of the games which makes Cloud, Lightning and the other characters who they are. So I am doing the best I can to introduce real struggles in their lives. Jealously, possessiveness, emotional distancing, depression, a friend who needs our help. I hope it makes their actions more forgivable and makes them more human. ^^

The next update will be very lighthearted and fun. Sorry for the dark chapter this time!

Until the next update.