TW / Suicide, Death
A/N: Today's chapter contains dark themes, such as suicide, death (and loss of loved ones). If these are sensitive topics or triggers, please do not continue reading beyond this point. Your mental health is more important!
A/N: Thank you for the kind words of encouragement from Lumina and ATK1734. Today's update is the shortest, but it's a special POV :) Hope you enjoy it!
SPECIAL CHAPTER
Chasing Trains
Zack
It was dark.
There was no light anywhere. Only darkness. Just a sound reverberated in the air. A faint sound of… a train. Maybe it was the train I didn't board then.
The sound was getting closer.
Just need to board it now.
"Zack…."
Something was calling me. Was I dreaming?
"Zack…"
My eyes fluttered open. My hand felt warm.
So it was you.
Long, pink hair was sprawled on my bed. Lightning's head was resting on her shoulder, her arm extended, hand in mine. Our gaming blanket was spread over her.
It was the third night since the incident. I barely had an appetite, and I hadn't spoken a word to anyone. Everyone was just so far away. Sometimes they would ask me something, but I couldn't make out a single word.
When did it get like this…?
"You're awake." I switched on the lava lamp I had gotten from everyone as a 'get-well-soon' gift. Cloud, Lightning and Aerith hadn't told anyone else what had actually happened.
I only nodded and sat up in bed, watching Cloud boil hot water. "Want a cup?" He asked and I nodded again.
Cloud made two cups of tea and brought one to me. Sitting on the chair beside Lightning, he took a long sip. Shadows made with the lava lamp's aid danced on Lightning's face. She furrowed her eyebrows as she let out a groan, her grip around my hand tightening.
"Bad dream again…" Cloud said to no one in particular. He put his cup aside, running his fingers through Lightning's hair gently.
She relaxed slightly as her expression eased. Cloud sighed. "You still don't want to talk?
I shook my head and drank the hot liquid slowly. Chamomile.
It was strange. Looking around my room everything had been… proofed. I remembered waking up the morning after that day.
Lightning was replacing the metal curtain hooks with plastic ones. I didn't understand what was happening at the time. My shirt was soaked and Aeirth began crying over my chest as soon as my eyes opened.
Over the past two mornings, more changes happened around the room. The bathroom door lock disappeared. Lightning bought wireless gaming controllers. Chords of every kind were removed. Cloud went ahead to remove my bed sheets with mattress covers that were difficult to remove. Alcohol was taken out of the fridge next. Cloud bought possibly every kind of 'relaxing' tea on the market. But mostly, Lightning and Cloud never left my side. If one of them slept, the other stayed awake to watch me.
"Ughnn… no…." Lightning's voice brought me out of my daze.
"She's having that dream again… Zack, give me your cup." I obeyed instantly. Cloud moved the cups containing the hot tea to his desk, returning to the place he occupied as he tried to hold Lightning's shoulders down.
"Let go of her hand." He instructed and I let go. In the absence of my hand, Lightning gripped the sheets.
After a few moments, Lightning began moving around slightly in her sleep. She suddenly jerked, thrashing around as she let out a scream of anguish.
"Farorn, Farron, wake up!" Cloud spoke loudly, but did not shout. I inched back, wondering if I should do something to help.
"No…. no…. ZACK!" Lightning jerked up, letting out another painful scream as Cloud pulled her against his chest.
"He's fine. He's right here. Calm down."
Lightning fell completely silent, taking deep breaths. Her eyes were wet, but she wasn't crying. She nodded and Cloud released her.
"I am sorry," she mumbled, before looking apologetically at me. "Sorry I woke you up…"
"I was already awake," I replied and both Cloud and Lightning were startled.
Ah, I had talked… out loud.
"S-Sorry, I am going to clear my head with a walk. Strife, can you…?" She didn't need to complete the question as my best friend nodded.
"Take your time." Cloud's eyes followed her all the way to the door. Then she was out and the door closed shut behind her. Silence fell upon the room.
I stared at my hand, the one Lightning had been holding.
"You should sleep too, she'll be fine." Cloud said reassuringly as he moved to Lightning's chair, leaning towards me.
"What was that?" I managed to ask. I had never seen Lightning that… volatile.
"I don't know if it's my place to say but…" I knew Cloud was struggling from the tortured look in his eyes. "Her mother… tried the same thing you did a few days ago. Except that she succeeded."
My gaze fell down on my blanket and Cloud paused for a while before continuing. "I guess you can't talk to me… but Farron will understand, so talk to her, if you can…"
"I can talk to you, Cloud." I said, watching the blonde haired male look away guiltily.
Ah… he's blaming himself again…
And Lightning too, is reliving past trauma because of me.
I am the worst.
Ten minutes passed in complete silence, save the occasional sounds of outside.
"Strife, I am good now." Lightning was back having regained her composure. Even though I had talked, she looked careful, trying not to push me too much, like she was walking on ice around me. "Get some sleep." She told Cloud, who nodded in response before turning to me and smiling.
"Good night Zack," he stood up, walking over to Lightning and giving her hand a squeeze, "Farron."
Lightning returned his smile with the slightest one of her own, before coming and settling into the chair next to me. She rubbed her eyes sleepily, adjusting my pillow as I sank back. I turned away from her, trying to sleep on my side. I lay awake there for a long time, unable to sleep.
Giving up on sleep, I turned around to find Lightning awake, reviewing her notes as her head dropped several times. Her eyes drooped, dark circles evident around her pale aqua eyes.
"Can't sleep?" She asked as she noticed me staring at her. I nodded.
She pulled out her headphones from her bag, connecting them to her phone. She scrolled down, looking for something. Finally she placed them on my head. "Listen to this."
A calming melody played and I settled back in, this time facing her. I extended my hand towards her, opening my palm. Lightning looked at me with a face I will never forget as she took my hand, intertwining her fingers with mine.
She looked at me like I was her favorite person in the world.
It was late afternoon when I stirred awake. I shook the sleep off, noticing that Cloud was reading a book by my side.
"Feel like going out today?" Cloud asked, closing his book shut. "Just outside the room, I mean." He quickly added.
I knew they were not going to let me out of their sight and definitely not off campus…
I sighed, shaking my head. I wasn't that sleepy, but I didn't want to move. I couldn't. Nothing just made sense anymore. There was no meaning to sunrise and sundown. I was just suspended in a darkness that would - it seemed - never let me go.
"Alright," Cloud nodded understandingly. He answered his phone. "Aerith, hi. Yeah he's fine. I am here. Are you coming?"
I sighed, closing my eyes, trying to shut everyone out.
I don't know how much time passed. I didn't turn around. The sky was painted with deep orange and pink hues.
"Nice sunset today, huh?" I heard Tifa's voice outside the door. "Well, give this to him. Tell him I am dying to see him so… get well soon!"
"Sure," I heard Lightning reply. The door opened as she set something down. "Tifa's outside."
I heard Aerith's skirt shuffle as she stood up. Her hand was on my shoulder. "I love you," I heard her say. All was silent for a while. Then the door closed behind me.
I took a deep breath.
I love you.
There was nothing left for her to love. I wasn't me anymore. But the worst part was not knowing when, where or how I lost myself.
"Zack, I brought you something to eat." I heard Lightning say. I turned around, sighing. Nodding in thanks as she set it down next to the bed, I decided to take a shower. When I finished, Lightning was doing her homework on my desk. She started putting her books away as I sat on my bed. I forced myself to eat a little. Cloud and Lightning would always eat at least lunch and dinner with me and would fast if I skipped a meal.
They were almost blackmailing me, I thought and realized that the thought had made me smile.
I stared at Lightning who had just finished eating. She ate fast, as always. When I was done she took the take out dishes and put them in a plastic bag, closing it tight. She wouldn't leave the room to take out the trash.
I guess they couldn't trust crazy Zack anymore.
I sighed in frustration, watching Lightning carefully take a seat on my bed next to me.
"Hey dude," she tried, patting my shoulder two times. I looked in the opposite direction.
"Do you guys think I am crazy?" I asked, still not looking at her.
"Of course not," Lightning replied, almost in her usual stern tone. She relaxed it slightly. "I… I think you're just going through a lot. I don't know what it is and you don't have to tell me. I just want to be next to you. I know Strife and Aerith feel the same."
"I…" I stared down at my hands, feeling the blackhole inside me expanding. "I am sorry. I heard about your mother from Cloud. I… I brought this on you. The nightmares."
Lightning let me speak, not once interrupting me. "Is that why you came after me?" I asked in a low voice.
She placed her head on my shoulder, taking a deep breath. "I came because my life is better with you in it."
My hands balled into fists. The darkness was overtaking everything. Lightning said something else after that, but her voice had faded into the background, behind all the… noise. The static…
"Zack?"
"Huh?" I shook the feeling off, noticing that Lightning was holding my hand again. "I am sorry I… it must suck to witness something like that again. I understand if you hate me for putting you through this hell." I found myself saying.
Lightning shook her head. "Never."
"But you were angry at your mother…?" I felt like I needed to know. Just this, at least.
Lightning's voice was calm. "At first, I was. I was so angry that she selfishly orphaned us. I thought she was the last person I would ever want to be. But then the anger became sadness and the sadness became memories. The worst part is missing her. We miss her everyday. To think that the world was such a cruel place that it was unlivable… as the ones who were left behind in the world that let her slip away... we just felt - we still feel - heartbroken that we couldn't reach her."
Lightning shuddered, rubbing her arm to calm herself. I could see how hard this was for her. "They say time heals all wounds. They're wrong. It doesn't. So I am glad you're still here in front of my eyes."
"I guess I owe you an explanation…."
"You don't owe me anything, but I do want to know what happened. Only if you're ready to tell me." She said softly.
It was getting dark, but neither of us moved to turn on the lights. There were voices outside, people enjoying the cold evening.
"My parents cared for me more than anything. I was an only child and they poured all their love into me, their hopes, their dreams." I paused again. Feeling the warmth of Lightning's hand in mine, I continued, "I was a troubled kid. I used to be a shortie, you know?" Lightning tried to contain her shock, but I let out a sad chuckle.
"Yep, I was tiny," I said, sighing. It felt like a long time ago. "I was bullied a lot for that, among some other things. I had severe anger issues, and my 'therapist' felt that I needed to be put into a 'special' system. But my parents decided to send me off to a top boarding school. They thought the distance and a change of scenery would help. It did. I met Aerith there, after all."
Lightning was looking at me quietly. Even her breathing was quieter than usual, like she was trying her best to support me from the sidelines without even the smallest interruption.
"Things were good for a while. I fell so hard for Aerith, even though I was only playing around at first. My grandmother fell sick one day and my parents called me back for a semester so I could spend time with her. Aerith was young and she didn't want to be separated from me. We fought like the children we were then and broke up. When my grandmother died, I remember feeling a second of relief, even. Makes you sick doesn't it? I just wanted to get back to my own life. I finally felt like I had a place I wanted to go back to. I wanted to be someone's hero."
The chatter of the evening began to die down. Lightning's silence encouraged me to continue.
"I called Aerith and told her I was coming back for her, but she said she was dating someone else and she didn't want to see me anymore. I was angry - angry at my dead grandmother, angry at my parents, angry at the world. Angry at myself the most. My parents saw how miserable I was and decided to send me back before the start of the next semester."
It was coming back. I inhaled sharply.
"Zack, it's alright...we can stop." Alarmed, Lightning squeezed my hand.
"No, it's fine. Just a minute…" I took a deep breath, fighting back the tears that were ready to pour out. I had shut this part of myself out for so long. I had almost forgotten the hurt.
"When we arrived at the train station, I saw some of the kids from boarding school. They said something about the new guy Aertih was dating and how much she was in love with him. I got into a fight right there. My parents were worried about me so they suggested we go back. Take another few days to do something fun, or just travel. I wasn't in my right mind then, and I thought they were dragging me back again for good. I said some horrible things to them. I said…"
"I wish I was an orphan." I gripped Lightning's hand tightly as tears began to slide down my cheeks. "Those were my last words to them. My mother had bought my return ticket, so she gave it to me. I held on to it, but I didn't board the train. That train…. It was under a terrorist attack. Everyone on that train died in an explosion. There was nothing left… not even whole bodies to give a burial."
Lightning flinched. Her own eyes had betrayed her and tears poured out of her too. I wondered why she was crying for someone else.
Someone like me.
"How can I…. How can I go on? I can't take back everything I said. How can I be happy everyday knowing what I did? There's no way. The only way is to go… where they are."
Lightning grabbed my shoulder tightly, hiding her face in my chest, sobbing there like she too, had lost something important.
"You can't do that. There's another way." She said in a shaky voice. I pulled her away so I could look into her eyes.
I wiped her tears off, smiling. "There isn't. What can I do… so that they'll forgive me?"
Then Lightning said something that would change my life forever.
"Live."
That one word felt like it had broken the chains holding me down. Instead of the chains, there were the arms of the people I loved.
"Is it okay… for me to do that?" I asked, perplexed.
Lightning nodded, throwing her arms around me before speaking. "It's okay to be sad, to feel like you've made mistakes, and even have regrets. Those are all valid feelings… feelings experienced by those who are living."
Cloud walked closer to us, smiling in agreement with Lightning's words. I didn't even notice when he had come in, or how long he was there. He plopped on the other side of the bed, hugging me as well.
"Stay with us. I'll entertain you with ingenious two word responses. And I'll brood until we're old and gray," he laughed and I couldn't help answering it with one of my own.
"I'll be the best man at your wedding. I'll still kick your ass at video games when I am a granny, and we'll get fat eating chocobo-chip cookies." Lightning barely managed to say through her tears.
As they held me...
Lightning sobbed harder, Cloud also sniffling as I wailed hopelessly, releasing all the hurt, the sadness.
I realized that…
They rocked me gently as they both hugged me like they were giving me their everything, like they wouldn't let me break.
If I were to disappear, there were people here who would...
I released everything I was holding inside, my eyes hurting from the burning sensation, my chest feeling like it would collapse from the physical pain.
Surely miss me.
A/N: I said the next chapter is going to be lighthearted... *dodges tomatoes from the audience* Okay, I am sorry! I didn't plan this chapter, but I thought that Zack deserved a voice, so I gave him one. :) I made a special sad playlist for this chapter and I cried while writing it. T^T Anyway, longer update scheduled for tomorrow (hopefully!) Thanks again for reading to the end. ^^
