"Singing one for the memory, two for the pain.

Singing don't love the bottle with a deeper disdain."

I don't understand.

Why? Why? Why?

Just leave me behind. I've only burdened you and caused you trouble. I'm awful. You deserve better. You shouldn't put yourself through this. There's nothing to be gained from helping me.

I can't… understand. It doesn't make any sense.

Curling into a ball, I sat in utter silence with my head burrowed in my arms, questioning everything and anything that led to me getting this far. Why were they all still so determined to stay with me? I don't deserve their kindness.

Brock and Blue, all our pokémon, and even Misty; I nearly killed them all chasing a faded memory. Don't they understand that? Don't they realize how terrible of a friend that makes me?

They should abandon me. Forget I ever existed.

It wasn't like I ever had much of a presence anyway. I barely even had a name. Any family I did supposedly have were clearly dead based on the nightmare earlier, and while I don't know how I got to Rustboro, whatever happened to save my life back then was clearly a fluke.

I don't think I was ever really meant to survive.

That pokēmon from the dream- I don't know what kind it was, but I'm almost certain that it was what saved me. A part of me almost wished it hadn't. Terrible things have been happening left-and-right from the moment I awoke in Rustboro, and now, because of me, even worse things have been happening to those I held dear.

I genuinely don't know what I was thinking; believing that I could ever raise Adrien well enough to give him a happy life. He needs parents for that. I'm not even qualified to be a sister- if I ever truly was one before I lost my memories. I'm just a failure, whose selfishness wouldn't let her die. A shell of a human being, who was now so filled to the brim with emotion after being empty for so long that it was becoming impossible to keep everything under control.

There was just too much.

I've come so far from what I used to be, but there was still so much darkness shrouding me.

"El…" A large hand rested gently against my back and I tensed, curling further into myself, squeezing my eyes shut and refusing look at anyone. I could hear Brock let out a small sigh, the boy gently rubbing my upper back. "Hey, it's okay. Really. We got out of there in one piece, didn't we?"

We wouldn't have been trapped in the first place if I didn't go after the stone.

But as if he already knew what I was thinking, Brock continued. "It's really okay. There's no way you could just forget your promise. I understand that. We understand that. You could never just… leave your dawn stone behind."

"That's…" I inhaled deeply, shuddering and sinking further down into my arms. The guilt was suffocating. "That's why I'm telling you to go on without me. I… I don't… I don't want this to happen again."

"El, hey." Brock said. I could hear the frown in his voice. "Look at me."

When I didn't look at him, the boy moved to sit in front of me, gently grabbing my arms yet not forcing them apart. I paused. A lump formed in the back of my throat, making it hard to speak.

Daring to glance up, I found that Brock's gaze was intense. "Don't you dare hurt yourself over what just happened. That dawn stone means the world to you. The person who gave you this means the world to you. Blue may have told you to leave it behind back in the ship, but I highly doubt he was actually expecting you to do so."

Blue, who was in the process of tying some rope around Gyarados' body while Misty's pokēmon tied the extra rope around the wooden platform we were on, made a face. Patting Gyarados' cheek as the giant water-type pokēmon leaned down, Blue turned to scowl at us- looking remarkably similar to his pokēmon as he did so.

"Look," The boy began, annoyed that he had to explain himself, "we were sinking okay? I knew she was gonna chase after it! Why do I think I went with her instead of trying to drag her away?"

"There you have it!" Brock exclaimed. I was stunned silent, eyes still burning with tears, and the pain in my chest only hurt more when he smiled at me. "I'm glad you care so much about us, El, but we all know how much you care about him too. That promise you made with him- it's what kept you alive all this time. It's what made you stay strong, when it would have been so much more tempting to just give up."

What?

"N-No, I… I'm not…" I sat there for a long moment, furrowing my brows and trying to comprehend his words. "I'm not… strong. I… I can't…" I can't do anything on my own. I'm pathetic. I've only made it this far because of other people.

The boy I made a promise to, Mewtwo, Professor Oak, Yuna, Blue, and even Brock and all our pokēmon.

I never… would have survived these last nine years if I hadn't met that ten-year-old boy. I would have died in the Kanto Headquarters if Mewtwo didn't decide to spare my life. I wouldn't have made it out of Viridian Forest without Professor Oak finding me and taking me in. I wouldn't have been able to start my journey if not for Blue cheering me on, and if Brock didn't stubbornly force himself into my life I would have been beaten and taken back to Team Rocket shortly after reaching Mount Moon.

And… if not for my pokēmon… Ansem, Basil, Belladonna, Ruby and Sapphire, and… even… Belle… I… I don't think I'd be half the person I am now.

Choking up and tightening my grip around my wrists, the tears started to fall again. "I-I'm not. I'm not… strong. I… I never… have been."

"Yes, you have. And you are." Brock insisted. "You are so, so incredibly strong, El. You're honestly the strongest person I've ever met. And strength isn't always physical. It isn't always about muscle. Your strength comes from the heart."

My… heart…?

"When we first met," Brock began, "I was so confused. I didn't understand why you were there in my gym. I didn't understand why you looked and spoke so coldly. But when I saw how you treated Belladonna just before she evolved, I knew. I knew there was so much more to you than what I saw. Than what you believed. And every day since traveling with you I've become more convinced."

Convinced? About what? I don't understand.

"You're kind."

A small breeze blew by then, causing the wooden platform to drift a bit as the waves picked up a little, before it all began to settle down again. The scent of seasalt was fresh against my senses. The air was clear. Yet my expression twisted considerably, so confused and so in disbelief about what I was being told.

"And it's so obvious."

I stared, still not understanding, only to widen my eyes when Brock suddenly leaned forward, the boy pulling me into his chest as he wrapped his arms around my back, his embrace firm but gentle.

When he spoke again, his voice sounded a bit strained, like he was fighting back tears of his own. "You care too much, El. You always have. You feel responsible for everything that happens to us. To the kids taken by Team Rocket. But you're not. You're not responsible. Blue and I- we're here because we want to be. We're helping you because we want to."

Brock's shoulders were shaking.

"If we get hurt while traveling with you, then that's on us. We're the ones who made the decision to travel with you. I'll tell you this again-and-again-and-again, as many times as is takes until you understand. So stop trying to shoulder everything alone, and stop blaming yourself for every little thing. Team Rocket is the one going around hurting people. You can't stop them alone, which is why we're here. So stop hurting yourself over this and let us help you."

He… says it like it's so easy.

But it's not.

It's not easy in the least.

Gritting my teeth, I shook my head and forced myself to pull away. Tears blurring my vision and stinging my eyes, I glared up at him. "But I was part of Team Rocket! They raised me! They're after me! A-And because… you're helping me, they're after you! They almost killed Blue in Cerulean City, a-and now… b-because of me…"

"El." Brock grabbed my shoulders, holding me in place in case I tried to shrink away and hide again. "That wasn't your fault. Team Rocket didn't even know we were on the ship until after they started stealing everyone's pokēballs. Rich and Velga had no idea you were there. At least, not until…"

He frowned, carefully lifting a hand and cupping my left cheek. I flinched, feeling the bruised area around my eye throb.

"Not until after we were separated. Man, which one of them did this to you? Was it Rich again?"

I turned away, focusing my attention on Misty's pokēmon as they watched in both confusion and concern, having finished tying the rope around the wooden platform. I hesitated before answering, slowly shaking my head. "N-No… it… it was someone else." Rich definitely hit me afterwards, though. My right cheek still aches a little.

Misty looked at us and at Blue, who seemed to be staring daggers out into the distant sea, and then turned her attention back to us. "Rich and Velga… they were those two Team Rocket jerks who ordered everyone else around, right?"

Brock glanced at her, then looked back at me. "Yeah. They have a bit of a vendetta against El. Rich especially."

"He's the one who "trained" her." Blue growled, practically spitting out the words. Reaching into his fanny pack, he pulled out two pokēballs. "He's not the one who gave her that black eye, but she had bandages wrapped all around her neck when I first saw her again in Cerulean City. That was his doing." Clicking the pokēballs, he them up towards the sky. "Pidgeot! Aerodactyl!"

The two pokēmon appeared in a flash of red light and they cawed at Blue- looking around and appearing relieved that their trainer wasn't trapped underwater.

"Go see if you can find any land." He told them. "If you do, bring back rocks or twigs or something as proof."

"Aero~!"

"Pidgeee!"

They took off. With that, Blue let out a sigh and plopped down, sitting next to his Gyarados as it nudged his shoulder with its large head. The boy raised a hand up and scratched beneath his chin. "Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll feed you some berries when we get to land, okay? For now, just keep us in place so we're not washed away."

"Gyaaaoooor!"

Misty stared at the three of us for a long moment, then groaned- bringing a hand up to her forehead and brushing her wet bangs back. "Man, what kind've crazy stuff have you guys gotten into? Are you seriously planning on taking Team Rocket down all by yourselves?"

I lowered my head. Blue and Brock shared a look.

"Please tell me you're joking." When she received no answer, the girl dragged her hand down her face and slumped her shoulders, incredulous. "You three are insane."

Maybe.

Perhaps that was why Blue and Brock were so determined to stick with me. Our ambition was a lofty one, but one we were determined to complete. We had the key, we just… needed to get strong enough to actually use it first.

"I…" I inhaled shakily, moving further away from Brock and hugging my knees to my chest. "I know… where everything is. A-At least in Hoenn. The hideouts… and the main base where all the kids are kept. Where… I lived, before being transferred here to Kanto."

Everyone turned to face me, eyes wide and eyebrows raised, having not expected me to say such a thing.

Unsure if I should really be divulging this information, I continued speaking rather awkwardly and hid the lower half of my face in my arms, fingers tugging at my wet braid. "I-I know their schedules and routines and… how to solve their puzzles. Th-That's actually how I got us out of the underground hideout; I-I know how… their puzzles work. They're all the same, really. Just… different solutions. But I-I figured we could… get the police involved once we reached Hoenn, inform them of the locations, and… then, with their help, attack all the places at once."

Otherwise, if we go at it one-by-one, they might evacuate the children and pokēmon to some place I won't know. I'm just… no longer sure of whether or not I should keep Brock and Blue with me. Not after this.

Not after what had happened.

Brock says I'm kind, but I'm not. He and Blue are the kind ones. They're too kind. Too nice. Letting them stay with me like this; I'm taking advantage of their kindness. That'll get them killed later down the line.

But I…

I don't want to leave them, either.

It was ridiculous. We were going to split up eventually after Team Rocket is defeated. There's no reason to be upset about doing it sooner rather than later. They'd be safer that way.

But, what if they're not?

What if they go looking for me, and Team Rocket catches them? I won't be there to help them. All I'm good for is surviving. I'm not…

I'm not good for anything else.

We barely even survived today- and it was because of me that we were all stuck down there. There's no sugarcoating it or making me change my mind on that. If I hadn't chased after the stone, Blue wouldn't have gone after me. If Blue hadn't gone after me, Brock and Misty wouldn't have stayed on the ship searching for us. It's as simple as that.

Team Rocket may have been the ones to sink the ship, but I was the one who trapped us in it. How can I be willing to let Brock and Blue help me, when it's because of me that they nearly died doing so? I can't.

Curling my lips back and grinding my teeth together, I leaned forward- squeezing my eyes shut and burying my face in my arms and knees completely, suppressing the primal urge to just scream as all the overwhelming emotions tried to swallow me whole. There was nothing easy about any of this. None of this was okay.

They almost died. I almost killed them.

I can't lose them.

I refuse to let them die because of me.

"I-It'll be fine." I choked out, swallowing down the painful lump that was stuck in the back of my throat. "We just… n-need to collect the rest of the badges, then… h-head for Hoenn."

Once we get to land, I…

I don't know. I'll have to figure out what to do- about… whether or not to keep Blue and Brock with me, even after everything we've been through. They say they're not my responsibility, but I'm the one who dragged them into this mess.

Them wanting to come along doesn't change that.

Maybe if I run off, they'll be so upset they won't follow. They'll…

They'll hate me for it.

And if they hate me, they won't be kind to me anymore. They won't… worry about me. Depending on where we separate, they should be safe. We'll have to travel through the tunnel system eventually, so maybe… yeah. When we get back to Cerulean City, I'll head for the rock tunnel myself. I'll leave Brock and Blue in the pokēcenter, in the one city that we know has been cleared of all Team Rocket activity.

It's… for the best.

So that I won't ever endanger them again.

I may be weak on my own, but I have my pokémon. We can make our way through Kanto just fine. I… I can stand up to Richard and Velga now. I'm not their puppet.

It's fine.

It's going to be fine.

For Brock and Blue's well-being, I have to let them go.

After what felt like forever, Pidgeot and Aerodactyl finally returned.

They brought with them some rocks- showing that they were successful in finding land. Gyarados carefully began pulling us in that direction, and as all the adrenaline from the escape faded I became exhausted and drained- eyes barely managing to stay open as I remained sitting curled up and as closed off from Brock and Blue as I could manage.

An emptiness settled in my chest, formed from my looming decision of leaving Blue and Brock behind- and reminding me all too well that the hole Team Rocket had created was still there, large and gaping and cold. The ice pack I was currently holding against my swollen eye did nothing to help my mental state, only making me feel worse as it was from Brock- who was determined to tend to my injuries.

As the makeshift raft of a wooden platform was dragged along the sea by Gyrados, Misty layed on her back and sighed- watching the sky as the clouds drifted on by. "Have you guys ever really paid attention to how pretty the sky is? I love the water, but sometimes the clear blue sky is just as nice to watch."

"You should try flying." Blue suggested, leaning forward with one leg propped up, an arm draped lazily over his knee. We had been drifting for about two hours now. "Maybe if I'm feeling nice, I'll let Pidgeot take you for a ride."

"Ha! No thanks."

"Your loss. Breathing in the fresh open air, and feeling the cool breeze flowing through your hair as you and your pokémon fly together as one…" Blue leaned his head back and closed his eyes, letting out a happy sigh. "Man, there's nothin' like it. Heh. Hey, squirt, what do you think?"

I blinked- slowly raising my head to look at him. "What?"

Blue grinned at me. "You've never been flying on a pokémon before, right? It'll be fun. I'll teach you how to ride one. It'll be you, me, Pidgeot, and Aerodactyl."

"I… I, uh…" Frick. I felt a bit like a deer-in-the-headlights at that question, unable to bring myself to answer it the way I actually wanted and in the way I knew he would prefer. "I-I don't- um, th-that's… that's okay."

I cringed, then ducked my head- hiding my face again. I could barely feel the ice pack against my swollen eye.

"You don't… have to."

Especially since I'll be running away after we reach Cerulean City's pokēcenter.

Blue raised a brow. After a moment, he shook his head and laughed. "It'll be fine! Tell ya what, squirt; if you're that worried about it I'll ride Aerodactyl with you- just to make sure you won't fall off. A one-of-a-kind, special offer. From yours truly."

Flustered and frustrated and not really knowing how to respond, I just curled even more into a ball. I wanted to agree to it. I wanted to spend more time with him.

With Blue and Brock and all their Pokémon.

If I could, I would stay with them forever. But I can't, so I won't. We were already going to be splitting up after Team Rocket's defeat. Blue has his research and Brock has his dream. I'm just… going to be making things happen a little sooner than originally intended.

That's all.

Turning my head, yet not quite looking at anyone, I murmured quietly- just barely loud enough for Blue to hear, "If… If you don't hate me by then, then yeah." It would be nice.

The boy raised a brow at me, clearly finding my response questionable. "We're not gonna hate you, El. Besides, it's not like you wanted us to get stuck in the ship. Anyway, where are we right now?" Blue glanced around, seeing us pass by some rather large rock formations. "I'd say either near Cinnabar Island or Fuschia City. Luckily, that means gym badge no matter where we land."

"Oh?" Misty sat up at that, yawning as she stretched her arms and legs. "Fuschia City… mm. I think Diglett Tunnel's near there. We can take that to get back to Cerulean!"

Brock sighed. "Guess we're taking the long way to Celadon City after all."

Blue laughed. "Aw, it'll be fine. We can just ride my Arcanine. We'll make plenty of progress that way. We need to start coming up with a plan to get to Hoenn, though, for after we finish collecting all the badges. We're- what? Halfway done? El's got the Boulder Badge, the Cascade Badge, the Thunder Badge…" He made a face, counting off with his fingers. "Almost halfway, anyway. All she needs now is the Rainbow Badge, the Soul Badge, the Marsh Badge, the Volcano Badge, and the Earth Badge."

I furrowed my brows. "That's three out of eight… we're not anywhere near done yet."

"Easy now." Brock said, resting a hand on my shoulder. "Don't push yourself. We've made pretty good progress in just three weeks. If we keep it up, we should be done by the end of the month."

"What pokēmon do the Rainbow Badge, Soul Badge, and the Marsh Badge gym leaders even use?" I asked, shifting the icepack. I frowned. "Is the Rainbow Badge for defeating fairy-type pokēmon or for, like, several different types…?"

"Nope." Blue shook his head. "The gym leader that gives out the Rainbow Badge uses grass-type pokēmon. Her name's Erika. Flowers are colorful, right? Ergo, Rainbow Badge. Kōga is the gym leader of the Soul Badge, which is named that for… reasons less obvious, and he uses poison-type pokēmon. As for the Marsh Badge gym leader… well, she's Sabrina- and she uses psychic-type pokēmon. Overall, ground-type and dark-type pokēmon would be best against Kōga and Sabrina, but… well, I'm sure you'll be fine."

Blue flashed me a confident smirk.

"Your pokēmon are plenty capable."

Curling back into my ball, I let out a heavy sigh. I had no idea how I was going to win against the fire-type gym leader, considering none of my pokēmon are particularly strong against heat; in fact, I'd dare say most of them are weak to fire, but a psychic-type gym leader? It's not going to be easy.

Basil and Belladonna might do well against Kōga's poison-type pokēmon, seeing as they're technically poison-type themselves, but the only one who could stand decent chance against the fire-type pokēmon is Ruby… and she's still just a baby, so I can't ask that of her.

In the end, it'll really just turn out to be a match of strength and skill, rather than type matching.

I just hope it ends well.

I don't think Basil or Belladonna know any ground-type moves either… Wait. Hold on. What levels are they again?

Sitting up straight and hurriedly pulling off my backpack, I unzipped it and began to rummage through for my pokédex. I ignored everyone's curious stares as I did so and flipped the device open, tapping a few buttons before I got to the entries about my pokémon team.

Level 45 and Level 41.

And as for their moves…

Oh my gods.

No way.

I blinked several times, wondering if I was seeing incorrectly, before my face lit up. "Knock Off!"

"What?" Blue raised a brow at me.

I shook my head, holding the pokédex entry up for them to see. "Knock Off! It's a dark-type move! Bella knows how to use it!"

Brock brightened upon hearing that, a huge grin forming on his face. "That's great! You'll be able to fight Sabrina and Kōga without worry, then!"

Misty brought a hand up to her chin, furrowing her brows with a slight frown. "I dunno… their pokēmon are pretty tough. Normally you'd get the Rainbow Badge first before attempting Sabrina or Kōga's gym. If my memory serves right, then they have pokēmon that are level forty and above. Belladonna is also a grass-type pokēmon, and grass-types are super weak to poison-types."

Brock went deep into thought at that. He crossed his arms over his chest and hummed. "Then I guess we'll just have to do some more training."

I guess so… oh. Hold on. I rummaged through my backpack to locate a familiar plastic jar. "Do I still have- yeah. I still have all those candies from Professor Oak!" I held the jar up and shook it, watching the little candies jiggle within the jar. "Will these help with training them?"

Blue blinked, Brock stared, and Misty hid a small gasp behind her hand.

Pointing, Misty's eyes grew wide. "El… do you have any idea what kind of candies those are?"

Furrowing my brows, I looked at the jar again, then at the girl. "...Pokēmon candy? I know they can raise a pokēmon's stats."

Growing up in Team Rocket I was forced to learn all sorts of things, and pokēmon candy was included in that. Depending on the type of candy it could raise attack, defense, special defense, special attack, and even a pokēmon's level. I held the plastic jar with both hands, looking down at it.

"I… only fed them a couple before I met Brock, since I didn't… really have decent food to give them. I-Is that okay?"

Misty slapped her palm to her forehead. "No wonder your pokēmon were all so strong! What levels are they now?"

"Hm? Oh, uh, well, b-between Brock's training sessions and taking down the goons in Cerulean City…" The three trainers were all staring at me really intently. I cleared my throat. "A-Ansem is level forty-five and… Belladonna is level forty-one, while Basil is thirty-nine."

Misty gaped, and Blue let out a loud whistle. "Dang, kid! Do you even need to feed them the remaining rare candy? I know I'm the one who handed you the bag full of this stuff, but I didn't know my gramps was spoiling you. I thought I was the favorite grandchild."

I stared, utterly confused, and made a face. "How is he spoiling me? A-Also I'm pretty sure I'm not his grandchild." I pointed at my self, scrunching up my nose. "Unovan, remember?"

"Ah, nah, you're def his grandchild now." Blue stated, flashing me a smirk. "Kinda became it as soon as he found you. It happens. Pretty much all the trainers from Pallet Town are considered grandkids to him."

"Pokēmon candy is hard to get, too." Brock informed. "Having just this much is impressive."

Is it really?

I watched as older teen hummed. Brock seemed to have come to a realization of sorts. "You know, this does explain a lot. I did some training with El's pokēmon back when she was in the hospital after the whole Mount Moon ordeal, and I did notice they were a lot stronger than your average pokēmon. At their levels, Ansem and Belladonna might already be ready to take on Kōga- or even Sabrina. Especially since Belladonna knows Knock Off."

"So…" I waited a moment, thinking about it. "...should I or should I not use the candies to train them?"

"I mean, you totally can." Blue piped up, offering his two cents. You could also give them to Ruby and Sapphire."

I guess, but… they're still babies. I'd like to wait until they're a bit older first. I think I'll feed what remaining special defense candies I have to Belladonna and Basil, seeing as they are grass-types and have a lot of weaknesses, and especially since Belladonna is going to be the one to take on Kōga.

"What are we going to do when we get to land?" Misty suddenly asked. We all turned to her. She was frowning deeply, arms crossed over her chest. "Are we just heading straight to the gym? Shouldn't we, oh- I dunno, stop by the pokēcenter first to clean up and get some food? Judging by the time of day, we missed lunch! We might miss dinner, too, at this rate. And you all owe me a meal!"

"We were underwater for a long time." Brock mused, holding a hand to his chin. "I'm actually starting to get pretty hungry, too. I have enough stuff to make us sandwiches, but since we're on a wooden board in the middle of the sea… you guys shouldn't expect anything too fancy from me. I don't want to risk actually cooking out here."

"Hey, I'm not complaining." Blue retorted, giving him a lazy shrug. "I'm just glad I'm not the one doin' all the work."

"Ha!" Misty snorted. "As if you could cook. You'd probably poison us."

"Eh, just you."

"Blegh!" She stuck her tongue out at him childishly. To my surprise, Blue didn't respond in kind- and instead just rolled his eyes. "You're such a jerk. Why can't you be nice to me like you are with El?"

"Oh, that one's easy. I like El more than you."

Misty puffed out her cheeks, her face turning red. I couldn't figure out if she was simply embarrassed or just angry with him. Either way, their constant bickering struck me as odd- especially seeing as despite the number of times they fought, they didn't actually hurt each other. They remained relatively civil. It was… baffling.

Also nerve-wracking, but… I bicker with Blue, too, don't I? Maybe not to the same extent Misty does, yet the fact remains the same.

"Are…" I forced myself to speak, curiosity eating away at me as I looked at the two. Blue and Misty blinked and looked at me, and in the background Brock got to opening his backpack- readying our sandwiches. "Are you two… friends? Or…?"

"What, ew!" Misty cringed at the question, acting like she was going to throw up at the very thought. "Like I'd ever be friends with that."

"Oi, watch it!" Blue scowled, sending her a glare. "Who're you calling a that? I'll have you know I reigned champion a couple years ago! Show some respect."

"Ha, when you deserve it maybe." She deadpanned. "And champion? Yeah- until you went and quit. Seriously, what was up with that? I don't get it. You worked hard to get to the Indigo League, didn't you? Why give it all up after you reached the top?"

"I…" Blue started to defend himself, only to pause and go silent. His expression shifted, a flurry of conflicted emotions flooding across his features. Taking in a deep breath, Blue closed his eyes and turned away, looking back out at the sea. "I just… realized that it wasn't what I actually wanted. That's all. What I wanted… wasn't to be champion. It was something else."

I tilted my head at that, staring at him curiously.

There was something hidden there, cleverly masked behind his confident attitude and loud voice. Something I felt like I recognized, yet couldn't quite identify. A loneliness unlike most. A huge part of me wanted to ask, to delve deeper into the enigma that was this person who tried so hard to help me, even at the cost of his own wellbeing, but another part of me wanted to hold back.

I was going to be leaving them. I wasn't going to be staying. I had no right to ask about him, when I'm fully intent on running away.

But… it hurts. I… I don't like seeing him like this. Blue is kind.

Blue is kind and confident and stubborn and loud, and so very fierce. He doesn't like relying on others. He doesn't like being reminded that he had to have help. He likes to brag and tease and tousle my hair and shake me like a bobble-head. He's rough, but not violent. He's left-handed. He adores his Umbreon and is frequently fussed over by his Machamp. Even though he didn't get along with Ansem at first, the Eevee now likes him and so do Basil and Belladonna. He's a good person.

Good people shouldn't have to feel sad.

Unfortunately, that's just the way the world works, isn't it? Evil villains like Team Rocket get away without so much as a slap on the wrist, while everyone else has to suffer. It's… infuriating. It makes me mad. It makes me… so angry.

I hate it.

"So," Brock began, having been listening to the conversation and speaking up when the silence became a bit too heavy for his liking. He added the last few touches to the sandwiches, and handed one out to Blue, "what exactly do you want?"

Blue stared. He took the sandwich and observed it for a long second. The boy seemed reluctant to answer. "Honestly, I… think I'm still working that out. But if I have to say it's anything at all, then… just… maybe being with my pokēmon? Spending more time with them? Ugh, I dunno, it doesn't make any sense."

Clearly feeling awkward, he hurriedly took a bite of his sandwich.

"But, anyway, that's why I'm working under my gramps now." He paused before taking another bite, staring at the indent and then at Brock. Blue's gaze flickered to me, and he turned back to his sandwich again. "Helping research pokēmon, it… it feels right. It… feels good to me. I can't stand all the nagging from my sister- she's Gramps' assistant too- but…" Blue shrugged. "I dunno. I like it. I still travel sometimes; you know, to collect data on different pokēmon. I just don't do it as much as before."

He took another bite. Then, after chewing and swallowing it, he made a face and scowled at us.

"Enough about me, already! Brock, you said something about wanting to be a pokēmon doctor instead of a pokēmon breeder, right? What changed your mind?"

"Huh? Oh." Brock, having finished handing out the sandwiches, took a seat between me and Blue, eyebrows raised in surprise at the abrupt question. "Well… I… I like… taking care of others. Taking care of my pokēmon. I grew up raising my nine siblings by myself, but since I was busy taking care of them and running the gym I wasn't really ever… able to spend much time actually doting on my pokēmon like I wanted. Since joining El, I've been able to do just that though."

"Okay…?" Blue raised a brow.

"So why do you want to become a doctor then?" Misty asked.

Brock went silent. Gathering his thoughts, he didn't say anything for a minute, but when he did his voice was quiet. "I just… after what happened with Nugget Bridge and Team Rocket, and how we rescued all those captive pokēmon… I-I feel like I could have done more, you know? But I can't do that if I'm just a pokēmon breeder. To be able to truly help pokēmon, to help people even, I need to learn more. I've been thinking a lot ever since we rescued Blue, and… while I want to pamper my pokēmon I also want to make sure I can help them if they get hurt."

As he spoke, his expression gradually cleared- as if he was getting a better idea on what it was he truly wished to do. It was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Holding a fist up, Brock spoke his next words with a determined gaze. "The best way to do that is to become a doctor. I can do basic first aid, but when El got really hurt at Mount Moon because of that Team Rocket jerk Rich? I was just barely able to stop the bleeding. After that, I was running for our lives. Then, in the Team Rocket hideout beneath Nugget Bridge, I could calm the pokēmon down after freeing them and tend to some of their wounds, but I wasn't able to do much more than that. I could barely even help Blue. I didn't like that." He inhaled deeply. "I want to be able to do more. I want to help. If I become a pokēmon doctor, I'll be able to do just that."

Blue whistled. "That's a lot of heavy thinkin' there, dude. You gonna become a human doctor, too, while you're at it?"

Brock cracked a small grin at that and chuckled. "Who knows? Maybe I'll go into nursing."

"You know," Misty began, an amused smile on her lips, "this is kind of a wild conversation to be having after being stuck in a sunken ship."

"Hey!" Blue raised his hands up defensively. "We have our whole lives ahead us. It's not a bad thing to start figurin' stuff out early."

My brain momentarily stopped functioning at his words. The world itself even seemed to come to a halt.

After defeating Team Rocket and forcing them to disband, just… what would I be doing? I had been hoping to raise Adrien, but… right now, that seemed foolish. I wasn't capable of that. Saving him from anymore abuse is all I could ever hope for. And if we do manage to save him, to save all the children and pokēmon… what then?

What happens after that?

I always acknowledged the fact that Adrien would have his whole life ahead of him, constantly imagining him growing up happy and healthy, but what about me? What… would I be doing? Where would I live? Would I really survive to adulthood? I… I can't imagine it. Despite the weird visions I would see, it just didn't seem real. Just imagining myself growing up and surviving long enough to make it to twenty years old seemed impossible.

Like… a far off dream. One so unattainable and surreal. Like finding the person who gave me the dawn stone.

I'm not… going to be thirteen forever.

I won't be chasing Team Rocket forever. I'll be living a normal life.

But… The pain in my chest worsened, something squeezing my heart and making me choke up. For reasons I couldn't understand, I found myself scared. …What's a normal life?

I don't know.

I don't know how to live a normal life.

I've only ever known Team Rocket.

Any family I had before waking up in Rustboro were most likely dead. I had no home to go back to. I've never had a home to begin with. Not one I can remember. It's all gone. Watching Blue and Brock and Misty chat about their plans for their future, listening to them trying to figure out how they're going to live their lives once they're all older, while Gyarados continued to carefully guide the wooden platform to land, I found myself more lost and alone than ever before.

Just who or what am I supposed to be, when all I've ever known is darkness in a cold room with nothing inside save for a single chipped dawn stone for company?

"El?" Brock's voice called out and I jolted, inhaling sharply as I looked up at him with wide eyes. He was frowning, concern written all over his face. "You okay? Does your eye still hurt?"

"...I-I'm fine. Sorry." I blinked a few times and looked down at the sandwich I was holding. I hadn't taken a single bite out of it yet. "I-I just- sorry. I… I think I zoned out."

Misty laughed. "I do that sometimes. Normally when my sisters' are being braggarts."

"Hmm." Brock didn't look convinced. I tried not to flinch when he moved over and placed a hand against my forehead, trying to feel for a fever. "I don't think you're sick… Why don't you take a nap after you eat? We expended a lot of energy trying to get out of that ship after fighting all those Team Rocket goons."

I didn't respond, simply shoving the carefully cut sandwich into my mouth.

"E-El, careful! Don't eat it all at once! Make sure you chew it!"

I'm fine. I was going to be fine.

I'll cross that bridge when I get to it; right now, I needed to focus on getting the next gym badge. My future was hardly important when so many lives were at stake.

So fun fact: during my first playthrough of Let's Go! I completely and unintentionally skipped over Erika's gym, so by the time I had gotten Koga and Selena and Blaine's badges I was so confused as to what badge outside the eighth that I was still missing. I actually had to google which city her gym was in because I just did not know because I was an unobservant dumb dumb. XD I thought it was hilarious. So I ended up going back to her gym with pokemon all levelled up in the sixties. Poor woman's team never stood a chance.

Misty: "So, what's the game plan?"

Brock: "I guess we're gonna have to take the journey at a normal pace."

Blue: "Nah, I'm a pokemon master. Let's speedrun this *BLEEP*."

Brock: "LANGUAGE. But yeah okay sure sounds good. We're on a time limit anyway. El?"

El, shoving food in her face, trying to fight an oncoming breakdown while having an existential crisis, nodding her head: "Mmmhmm!"

Basil firmly believes himself to be baby, and he loves being carried too much, so he is straight up refusing to evolve any farther right now despite being past level 32. When he does eventually evolve though, he will still try to be carried and poor El will go "SPLAT" because he will be too big. Only Brock stands a chance at actually carrying a Venusaur!Basil. Well, Steven too maybe. Man is shredded if he can carry an Aron with one hand (manga) like it weighs nothing.

I can't believe we're nearly halfway done with the Kanto arc. Hoenn is so close yet so far. T_T I can't wait to write baby boy Treecko. He's my favorite out of all the starters. I will forever be sad/salty that all the newer games have been excluding him. That aside, I am now obsessed with the Submas Twins. Emmet and Ingo are perfection. I am this close to beating Legends Arceus- though main story aside I doubt I'll ever complete the pokedex because I am AWFUL at throwing pokeballs while in the water. My Sylveon is ready to topple the pokemon gods. Anyways. It's almost five am, I can't figure out how to lengthen this chapter anymore than it already is, and I need to go to bed. So!

Goodnight (or day) my lovelies! You are beauty and grace, and I appreciate all of you. Especially since ya'll are putting up with my shenanigans and lack of consistent update schedule.

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you all think in the comments, and have a wonderful day/night wherever you are! Stay safe! 💕