TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts and abuse. Please read with caution.
if i am worth anything later,
i am worth something now.
for wheat is wheat,
even if people only think it is grass in the beginning.
"Makael!"
Maka whimpered. Daddy was drunk again. She threw down the crayon she was holding and grabbed her teddy bear from the bed before scurrying to her closet.
"Makael Albarn!"
She resisted the urge to shout that that was not her name. Her name was Maka. Makael was a boy's name.
The closet was pulled open, and she felt a firm, cold hand wrap around her upper arm. Papa yanked her from the closet. It made her shoulder hurt.
"Where's your mother?" Papa slurred. Maka whimpered.
"Why are you calling me Makael?" She whimpered. She pulled her bear to her chest as Papa considered her words.
"Oh… Oh, that's right." He murmured. He yanked her arm again.
"Ow!"
"Where is Kami?" he roared, and Maka couldn't hold back her tears as fear closed her throat and her shoulder screamed in protest.
"I don't know!" Maka cried. "She found something in your room, and it made her sad! I asked if I could go too but she said no! She told me…"
"What?" he snapped and pulled her arm again.
"She said nasty things about you," Maka whispered. "She called you a cheater. What does that mean, Daddy?"
Daddy was quiet for a few moments, and she thought he was going to let her go and leave her alone. Maka hoped he would. She was always happier when she was alone and not with her parents.
After a few minutes her arm started to ache worse, so she tried to pull away. At first, Daddy didn't react, and she pulled free. Maka rolled her small shoulder and tried to back away from her Papa's frozen form.
But… Poor Daddy. He was just crouching on the floor, completely solid. He was sad. Maka made her way forwards and put her tiny hand on his shoulder.
"Daddy… Are you okay?"
At first, he didn't respond. Maka waited a few moments, but a strange feeling started building in her stomach. She felt nearly frozen with fear. This was a bad idea… She realised with the small voice in her mind. But as she started to draw her hand away, Papa's snapped down onto it.
"You little shit!" he roared and as he hit her. Maka fell down.
"Don't, Daddy!" Maka sobbed fearfully, but he didn't care. He forced her to stand up just to hit her again, this time knocking the small girl into the wall.
"It's all your fucking fault!" he bellowed. "Kami is gone and it's…" he empathised his words with another strike to her small body.
Maka's mind was ringing. It's my fault? She asked herself in agony. She stopped crying while he hit her. The only noise was the breath being forced from her body with each blow. She is the reason Mummy and Daddy are always shouting, screaming, and yelling.
But then it hurt so much that Maka had to scream. He didn't make her stand now. She couldn't. When it became unthinkable, her mind did what it always did.
It turned off.
"Maka?"
Maka didn't open her eyes right away as the infirmary's door creaked open. She peeked them open when some light from the hall spilled into the dark room and lit up the bottom of the bed. The blonde covered her eyes at the sight of it and swallowed a groan of annoyance. Her stomach was in knots from her dream and her pillow felt wet. She rubbed her face furiously as she sensed someone shuffling in the doorway.
"May I come in?"
Miss Marie hovered in the doorway and peeked through the half open door. Maka thought about faking sleep for a moment, but this was the first-time Marie had tried to talk to her since her Papa beat her, which was over week ago. Maka sighed before turning on her back and sitting up to meet eyes with the woman.
"Yeah, sure," she said quietly, not knowing how to talk to the woman she was constantly told was so guilt-stricken.
Miss Marie kept her eyes on the floor as she made her way into the room. She started to close the door but stopped as the light was chased out and the room grew dark once more. She looked at Maka.
"May I turn the light on?" she asked in that same soft, almost tentative voice. Maka nodded and hid her irritation. She was talking to the younger blonde as if she was speaking to a scared child. It was almost insulting.
Marie flicked on the light and closed the door the entire way. Maka squinted as the light invaded her eyes and she fought the urge to cover them as she knew that would hint to Miss Marie how long she had been laying there in the dark. Maka knew Marie would have something annoyingly perceptive to say if she knew about that, and Maka didn't have the energy to deal with that right now.
Miss Marie, who Maka knew usually liked the sit on the side of her bed from all the times she had entered her bedroom, took one of the empty seats near the window and pulled it to the bedside before sitting down. Only then did she lift her eyes to her patient's and finally offer a gentle smile.
"How have you been doing, Maka?"
Maka didn't answer.
"The time you were meant to return to your own room is more than overdue. Want to tell me why you're so keen to remain here?"
Maka grit her teeth but again didn't answer. Marie swallowed thickly before looking to the floor.
"…I've been told from the other councillors sent to talk to you that you haven't been very cooperative. Can you tell me why that -"
"None of them were my previously assigned councillor."
Maka's firm, cold voice overlapped Miss Marie's soft and quiet one. The room grew thick with tension but remained as quiet as it had been since Marie had come in. Miss Marie closed her eyes and took and deep, shaky breath before shaking her head slowly. Maka almost frowned. That was unprofessional – and very unlike Marie.
"No… No, they were not." She answered, even though Maka made more of a statement than a question.
"You are." The smaller blonde added, her eyes firm on Marie while hers were glued to the sheets that covered Maka's legs.
"…Yes." Miss Marie nodded. "But… If I had come here to try and speak with you about the – the incident. Would you have spoken to me? Would you have told me how you felt about what happened?"
Maka narrowed her eyes before clicking her tongue and looking away. Miss Marie nodded and kept her eyes on the younger blonde.
"I may feel very responsible for what happened. But that would not keep me from my job. It was suggested that maybe you would respond well to other councillors since you are aware that I was the one who let you parents into your room."
Maka nodded slowly; her eyes still narrowed. Marie went on.
"But you didn't respond to them. Just like you don't respond to me. Your illnesses… they make you unwell, for sure – but no doubt they make you smart. You - You know what we look for when we talk to you and try to read you. You know what signs we look for when you lie, or when you're angry or upset. You know how to read emotions and body language just as well as we do... You use this, don't you Maka?"
Maka fought the urge to smirk. Instead, she pressed her tongue to the inside of her cheek and glared at the annoyingly white bed sheets before her. Was there a point to this?
Marie nodded, knowing that Maka had answered the question with her silence.
"There's only one person you respond to. Only one person who has really… Been a benefit to you while you've been here."
Maka narrowed her eyes again. She was not. She wasn't stupid enough to do this, was she? Maka finally looked up to access Miss Marie carefully. Maka suspected where she was going with this, but she tried to have faith that her doctor wasn't completely dumb. Miss Marie met Maka's gaze head on before finally speaking the name:
"Soul."
Maka didn't even attempt to hide her snarl. This was the definition of none of her business and she didn't like the adults meddling in her personal matters. Soul and she didn't want to focus on what was wrong with them, they wanted to forget about that.
They couldn't have the adults pushing them to talk about their illnesses and things they weren't ready to discuss yet with each other. It would just destroy whatever it was that they did have. That can't be what Marie wants, so why wasn't she realising this?
Maka clicked her tongue in annoyance once more and tried to smother her rage – It did her no-good right now. "That is really none of your business."
Miss Marie tilted her head.
"No? It has come to my attention that he has neglected coming here since…" she squinted her eyes in thought.
"Six days ago? That's the longest I've seen you apart."
Maka's eyes flashed with anger, and she offered Marie a tight but nasty smile. "That's irrelevant. This conversation is pointless. I'm going back to my room."
Maka pushed the covers off herself roughly and jumped out of the bed. She swayed a little, having been laying down for so long but her anger helped her stride to the door. Miss Marie followed closely, her eyes a little more cautious. Maka was happy with that. She was right to be cautious with the way Maka was feeling right now.
"Maka, you're still in your nightgown, let's get you some clothes an-"
Maka was too pissed off. She scoffed as she swung the door open and marched out. Her bare feet slapped against the cold tiles as she desperately tried to get away from that woman.
"Maka. Maka, just wait a minute!" Miss Marie made a big mistake when she grabbed Maka's wrist just as they passed the leisure area where all the other patients where. Maka halted abruptly as Marie's cold, dainty hand wrapped around her skinny wrist. Maka's bangs covered her eyes, and the room grew very quiet as she spoke in a low voice.
"Miss Marie," The smaller blonde said quietly. "If you don't let go of my wrist - right now - I'm afraid the little outburst, as my Papa called it will look as innocent as a nun's sewing circle."
Marie let go of Maka's hand as if she had been electrocuted. She opened her mouth to try and console her patient, but Maka only grew more and more angry. Then she noticed a flash of white at her side.
"Maka."
Maka's breathing only grew heavier as Soul's taut, firm voice rang through the room. She didn't turn around, but she did turn her head slightly, so an eye met his. Soul was calm, his hands buried in his pockets, and he stood in his usual slouch. But his usually bored, lazy eyes were hard and wary. He nodded his head towards one of the hallways, the one leading to the piano room – their piano room. The breath hitched in Maka's throat. She nodded.
Immediately, Soul stepped forward and grabbed her wrist. He cast a look to Marie – who nodded – before he dragged Maka away.
As the piano room's doors came into view, Maka pulled from Soul's grip and marched forward to slam both doors open. They hit the walls loudly as she made her way into the room. Soul followed slowly and closed the doors quietly behind him.
Maka ran her hands agitatedly through her hair and started pacing the glowing black and red floor. Her breathing grew more and more erratic.
"I don't know how much longer I can cope with this," She moaned and didn't halt her pacing. Soul stood a few feet away, his eyes trained on her movements calmly.
"I'm just so – so angry. All the time." Maka's voice raised hysterically. "I… I don't even – the littlest things, Soul. Miss Marie, she hardly even said anything! All she said was that you help me recover and I – I don't know Soul, I just snapped. But I don't know why! I – I – "
She released a small shriek of frustration. The fingers in her hair curled into fists and pulled at the roots.
"I feel so normal one moment," She rasped, her voice pained and scratchy. "Then I'll just feel so sad. I don't want to move. I just want to lay in bed all the time. They – They kept on coming in, telling me I can go back to my room, but I didn't want to. You wanna know why?! Because my room was brighter than the infirmary, and all I wanted to do was lay in the dark on my own! Not even fucking sleep, Soul! Just – "
Maka pressed her hands over her face. She released a low, pained groan before finally stumbling to a stop and falling to her knees, her face still buried in her hands.
"They kept peeking their stupid little heads in," She went on as she lifted her head, not risking a glance at Soul's expression. "Asking me if I was okay, how I was doing, and it was just so… infuriating. I wanted to kill them. I wanted to jam their stupid heads in that stupid door just to shut them up and I have no idea why! They weren't doing any harm; they were literally doing their jobs and yet it made me want to… want to –"
She shoved her face in her hands again.
"And then – " The blonde began before Soul could get a word in; her voice muffled behind her hands. "The smallest, tiniest thing is said, and it just flips a switch."
She pulled her face from her hands to look up at Soul. He was in the same place, his hands in his pockets and his eyes firm. They were hard and pained.
"You know what I mean? That switch, it can just go off and you snap."
Maka took a very sharp inhale of air and pressed a hand to her forehead, the other hand slapped down onto the tiled floor as she leaned forward.
"Switch went off, Soul."
"…And what happens to you when the switch goes off?" Soul asked, his voice quiet.
The blonde didn't say anything as she glared at her pathetic reflection in the polished tiles. She watched herself open her mouth to answer the question.
"I want to break things," She said, her voice shaking. "Scream. Run. Anything to just – burn out all the anger. It's like… I can feel the rage just start to build in my stomach until it runs through my veins and all I want to do is let it out. Just – Just hit things. A pillow, the walls, the floor, the people – "
Maka lifted her head, feeling totally exhausted as she the next word.
"Me."
That's when Soul had had enough. He marched forwards to kneel before Maka and took her face in his hands. He snarled, his perfect, sharp white teeth bared and beautiful crimson eyes blazing.
"Then you need to get a hold of yourself." He barked at her. She looked up at him in shock, her brows creased into a frown.
"You're tougher than this," he snapped. "You can control your emotions. It's just the things that are wrong with you are making it harder. But when that happens it's not you."
He ran a hand through his hair, his eyes narrowing as her expression became more broken.
"It's not you," he repeated. "You need to realise that! And every time you start to feel that way, you will not lock yourself in the fucking infirmary and not let anybody in. And you won't go running off to go willow in your anger and misery alone. Find me, you fucking idiot! And I'll remind you of who you are and tell you again what you're not."
He dropped his hands to his sides and sat up straight to look at the blonde with a hard expression before saying firmly:
"Because it sure as hell isn't this."
Maka swallowed thickly, the swirling agony in her mind finally began to subdue. She blinked up at Soul in bewilderment. He seemed to be shocked at the sudden surprise in her gaze while she looked up at him. His previously angry eyes grew more and more confused before they were suspicious as he eyed her form.
She was just so… bemused by him. She didn't know someone could be so attentive and unreservedly good – even if it was in the gruffest way possible. And she couldn't even comprehend why he would want to waste his time on some pathetic, completely unbalanced woman like her.
It hit Maka like the first time every time. He was just so beautiful. He was so sad and so beautiful. She had never seen such kindness before. She didn't know that such kindness could exist.
Tears began to flood in Maka's eyes, and it wasn't hard for Soul to notice. His eyes grew soft, and he sighed before pulling the blonde into his chest where she buried her face. His arms curled around her, and he rubbed her back comfortingly. That just made her cry more. He buried his face in the blonde's hair and she groaned. Why was he doing this to her?
"Why are you so nice to me?" Maka sobbed. Soul shushed her.
"I'm sure you'd do the same for me," he replied in a quiet voice.
Maka glanced up to find him glaring at the ceiling. His face was pinched and pained. He's fighting, she realised. The hell inside his head. Maka tried to pull away, but Soul pulled her back.
"No, no it's okay," he said as he caught her. "It's not so bad. It never is when I'm with you."
Maka hummed.
"Why do you think that is?" She asked and tilted her head up to look at him again. He smirked.
"Because you're such a delight to be around?" he offered in a teasing voice. Maka scoffed.
"Thank you," she breathed. "But seriously, why? Why can't Oni really get to you when I'm here?"
Soul went quiet for a while.
"I think it's because…" he trailed off. "For the first time – I think actually care about someone."
Her breath shook and she felt a small percentage of the rage burn away in her stomach. She released a long, shuddering breath.
"Same here," she said softly. She felt him freeze but she continued. "I was so, so angry before, even though I knew I had no real reason to be. And the fact that I knew that only made me so much angrier. But the moment you came…"
Maka smiled. She felt Soul nod, then he pulled away before speaking again.
"Then whenever you're feeling all… psycho." She hit him lightly and he grumbled a laugh before going on. "I'll help."
The blonde smiled and smacked him playfully again. "Okay, I think I'm ready to leave now."
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure."
