Author's Note: So, not doing great with my once-a-week updates, but my real life is very busy. I'll do my best to get you guys Chapter 6 soon! Very thankful to everyone who continues to read and show love to this story. I hope this chapter will be worth the wait!
Chapter 5
"If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But you have to try, because if you try, if you leap and you try, and it doesn't work out, it's not on you," Olivia Pope, Scandal
Now: James
James was aware he had done a lot of stupid things in his life when it came to Lily Evans.
Back in Hogwarts, when James had set his sights on her during their 5th year, his friends had taken to keeping a mental tally of all the stupid things he had said or done in her presence. 6th year had seen a slight improvement, as he forced himself to give her space, and when they had finally gotten together in 7th year, he was pretty sure he finally learned to not act like a total idiot in her presence.
Although, in hindsight, if this statement were actually true, he and Lily would be getting ready to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary in December. So, probably, he had a lot to learn about all things Lily Evans, despite his many years of experience.
Case in point: he probably should not have insinuated the two were back in a relationship.
"Probably?" Lily hissed, grabbing his arm and pulling him forcefully into her office.
It was later, after the panel had finished without further incident; the press had settled Megs continued his questions, and honestly, James thought it went swimmingly.
"Swimmingly?" Lily asked again, and it was truly like they were back in 5th year; the expression on her face, the tone of her voice; he was fifteen again and had just held her Charms book hostage until she went to Hogsmeade with him (this had not been successful).
"I really need to stop saying every thought I have in my brain out loud," James mused, his tone light, unable to not find the humor in the situation,
"Please, explain to me, Potter, why on earth you did not just say, 'No, we've only been spending time together professionally—'"
"And then it would take all but an hour for someone to leak that you've been spotted at the gym with me every morning. Merlin, Evans, aren't you supposed to be good at this whole PR thing? If I have to keep doing your job for you, I will start charging you," He allowed himself, smirking slightly.
Lily leveled him with a glare.
"But—"
"Say thank you, Lil," James said, leaning back and putting his arms behind his head. "I did you a massive favor."
"How?" Lily said, and while her voice was level, James could see the fire in her eyes.
"Lily," came Adella's smooth voice, strolling into her office, all business. "A fake dating scheme? What are we? Amateurs? A teenage girl upset her boyfriend broke up with her two weeks before the big dance?"
"I know," Lily said, giving James a satisfied look. "I was just trying to explain that exact issue to Potter, but he seems to think it all went "swimmingly."
Adella gave James a long, hard look, as though she were examining something unpleasant under a microscope.
"I don't like this," she said, waving her hand in James' direction, which he felt was rather harsh.
"Me personally? Or—"
"The media is smart, Potter," Lily said, and Adella nodded in agreement. "Causing a bigger story does not make the old one go away. At best, they think I'm desperate and trying to manipulate them, at worst—"
"You're a whore," Adella said with a shrug.
James let out a huff. It was becoming increasingly clear he would not get a word in edge wise.
"We can issue a statement to clarify—" Adella was continuing, and James noted Lily was jotting notes, a careful look on her face.
"I don't comment on the nature of my personal relationships," Lily said, sort of half-shaking her head. "Ignore it? Wait for something new?"
"You'll have to endure weeks of speculation," Adella posed, "Not to mention watch who you spend time with, where you go—"
"God, the whole 'are-they-aren't-they' phase was brutal the last time we broke up. But after it passed, I did get some normalcy," Lily said, and James felt her is heart grow heavy, hearing his relationship with her, their past, everything, discussed so casually. That she saw that time after, when they had finally cut ties as normal, while he had been barely keeping it together.
"Sounds like you have it all figured out, then," James said. "I'll get out of your hair. I just came to apologize for making a mess for you. It wasn't my intention, honestly. That's always how I answer in the rare instances I'm asked by the press, and you know," he said, waving his hand at Lily, trying his best to be unbothered, "old habits."
Lily gave him a studying look like she could see right through him, past his façade to the very core of him. And for a moment again, she was his Lily, the one he knew. Her eyes softened, and he could almost imagine her sighing "Jamie," before she melted into his arms; could hear her teasing him for acting a fool before she gave his hand a squeeze. And he couldn't help the moment of regret, the tightening of his chest as he recalled that that Lily was very much a figment of his past, as much as he might imagine and even secretly hope she might be his again.
"Thank you," Lily sighed and stood up. "I have to get back to work," she said, and he knew the moment was done; in the past month he had learned that when Lily put her mask back on and moved on, that was that. Somewhere in their time apart, she had become harder than he had ever imagined she could; she had become a survivor, above all else, and when push came to shove, she shut off.
And he knew he had played a role in that shift.
"Thanks for letting me explain at least," James said ruefully. "I'll see you around."
"Later, James Lily said, and the two made their way back to reception, taking in an unexpected sight.
Peter Pettigrew stood in her reception desk and was chatting up Audra and Harper. Interesting, James thought, tilting an eyebrow at Peter as the shorter man looked up.
"Just dropping this off," Peter said cheerfully in the way of greeting, waving a silver ticket. "Since you two are seeing each other, I thought it was a bit of a no brainer that Lil would come to the gala with us. Wish you would've just told us, James—"
"We're not seeing each other," James cut him off immediately. "I fucked up earlier."
"But—" Peter started.
"Thanks so much for the thought," Lily said, face still closed off, but giving Peter a polite smile. "But I definitely can't make it—"
"Yes you can," Harper said, and if James didn't know better, he would say the woman looked positively gleeful. "You absolutely can."
"No, I can't, right Audra?" and Lily threw what she must have thought was a meaningful look at her receptionist, who merely pursed her lips and shrugged.
"Go or don't, but I'm not lying and giving you a fake excuse," came the reply, and James mentally made a note to send the woman yet another bottle of overpriced wine.
"You should go, Lily," Harper said, and she moved to take the ticket out of Peter's hand.
"Adella—" Lily started, clearly seeking out her last ally. "Would you care to interject?"
"I hardly see how it would make things worse—" Adella started, and James couldn't help the smirk that felt forming on his face.
"It would be fun," Peter said, throwing James a look and widening his eyes as if to say 'Speak now, you moron.'
"I'd be honored to have you join me, Evans," He said and he allowed, just for a moment, hope to blossom in his chest.
Lily paused and then gave James a long, pondering look. "Alright. Owl me the details. Now, please, can we get back to work?"
James stood for just a moment in shock, but upon realizing that was as much of a goodbye as he was going to get, he turned to Peter who looked positively smug.
"I told Sirius it would work. He owes me 5 galleons."
The following night, James gave himself a quick once-over in his mirror, appraising his appearance critically.
He had opted for a muggle tux; in the years since the war, muggle fashion had become more and more common in Wizard society. He also happened to know Lily had always liked him dressed like this; to be blunt, he looked good. Filled it out nicely, and with his hair tousled just so, he didn't see any reason for her to be displeased by his appearance.
As for the man inside the appearance, he liked his odds there, too.
After all, she agreed to come with him. Had written a quick note back to him after he had let her know he'd pick her up at her place before the gala.
And he knew he'd been down this road before, long ago, looking for signs and hope where it might not exist, but he couldn't quite quit that old feeling in his gut that there was a chance.
A chance for what, he wasn't exactly sure. Yes, he was physically attracted to her, insanely so. He was a twenty-six year old man; of course he wanted to have sex with her repeatedly. But he also felt the same urge to protect and cherish this new Lily, this harder, guarded one; to break down the walls and find their way back or forward, or wherever she'd let him go.
And he really did not know if she was capable of that.
But he was determined to try.
Giving himself a final nod, he left his bedroom and made his way out of the cottage to apparate to Lily's address.
Moments later found him outside of her apartment door, and the building itself was so like her—stylish and sleek, minimalistic and clean. Taking a moment to swallow, James lifted his hand and knocked, only to be rewarded a moment later with the sight of Lily opening the door.
He allowed himself to audibly inhale.
Her dress was navy silk, practically liquid as it rippled when she moved, a low v in the front giving him a generous view of his absolute favorite cleavage in the world, with thin straps on her slight shoulders-and, he couldn't help the eyebrow raise—a high slit up her thigh. Her hair had been styled loosely at the base of her neck, with wispy pieces framing her face.
"Well?" she said, a shy smile on her face. "How's this work for less than 24 hours notice?"
"You are perfect," James said, and he found he wasn't even trying for anything other than utter sincerity. "The most gorgeous thing I've ever seen."
Lily laughed, a blush on her cheeks, and James allowed himself to smile widely, stupidly, even.
"Shall we, Evans?" He asked, offering her his arm.
"Let's," Lily said, and as she turned to close the door, James was gifted with the view from the back, which was totally open, exposing her bare back down to her waist and—
It was going to be a long, glorious night.
James was having one of the best nights in recent memory.
He and Lily had met up with the rest of the group, easily falling back into a sense of comradery, laughing and teasing, leaning in to whisper to one another's ears, sharing private jokes that James was sure they had both forgotten.
"No, you did not!" Lily laughed as James put an arm on her back and guided her to her seat after having gone to grab another drink at the bar.
"You know I did," James said, laughing as well.
She let out another loud laugh, tears practically rolling down her face. "James, you did not pretend to speak Russian—"
"To get out of a meeting with the Argentine head of security? Lily you haven't met him—"
"But then they put you in the room with the Russian delegation—"
"And I just said 'da' the whole night—"
"And nearly started a war with Bulgaria—"
"Moody was furious," James said, still laughing. "They now have the Potter clause—"
"They do not call it that—" Lily said, and James could see the twinkle in her eye, the joy there he had scarcely seen since he'd walked back into her life.
"They do, absolutely," James said, pulling out her chair to allow her to sit, unable to stop himself from putting his arm around her chair as he lowered himself into his own chair. "So really, I helped improve the ministry. I'm a hero, really, Lil."
"Such a hero," Lily said, and if he was not mistaken, her tone was borderline flirtatious. "You did always love playing the hero.
Scratch that. Definitely flirtatious.
"Only for you," James said, he saw a little flush on her cheeks as she took another sip of her champagne. "I'm really glad you came tonight," he added.
"I am, too," Lily said, and he couldn't not notice the tone of surprise.
"Did you think about ditching?" James asked, studying her.
"For a moment, yes," Lily said, her voice just a bit small. "We—" she said, pointing between the two of them, "are a slippery slope."
James nodded, allowing a moment of silence, then dropped his voice to barely a whisper. "You ever think about what could've been?"
"Yeah," Lily said, and he was taken back by her honesty. "Not a lot, but now and again."
"I'm the same," James said, words tumbling out. "I think we'd have at least one kid by now."
"Let me guess? A boy?" Lily teased, but he saw a flicker of something in her eyes. A sadness that matched his own regret; of all the things they might have had if they hadn't allowed it to fall apart.
"I'd take anything with you, Lil, you know that," James said. "Plus, it can be easier for female quidditch players to make it pro. There's a real need in the league to diversify and—"
Lily gave him a small hit on his chest. "Not this again! The amount of arguments we had over our fictional children playing quidditch—"
"They would have been so good!" James said, holding his hands up.
"Do you think they even know any of us are here?" Remus' voice cut through, and Lily and James both looked up, a blush overtaking both of their faces. Because to be honest, he had almost forgotten they were at a table with a whole group, so lost in his bubble with Lily.
"Of course we didn't," he threw back at his friend. "Can't help that my guest for the evening is far more interesting than you lot."
"Don't be rude, James," Lily said, giving him a smirk. "You can't keep me to yourself all night. Remus, have a dance with me and let's catch up."
As they departed, James watched Lily go, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't love every minute of watching her back, bared to the eye, the way she threw him a quick smile over her shoulder.
"You have it bad again, mate," Sirius said, sliding into Lily's empty seat. "You look like a lovestruck fool."
"I do not," James defended himself. "Lust struck? Sure. But love—"
"You can't go half in with Evans," Sirius said, stealing James' whiskey and downing it. "Never could."
"I'm not an idiot, Padfoot," James said. "I know I'm in dangerous territory. It's just—"
"You want her," Sirius said with a shrug. "And you think you might be able to find a way to keep her this time."
"I'd like to think I'm not quite such a caveman. It's complicated. She doesn't trust me anymore."
"She doesn't trust. Full stop," Sirius said. "But she likes you."
"You think?" James couldn't help himself.
"You sound like you are fifteen," Sirius said, giving him a playful shove. "She always liked you. Even when she hated you. Make you move, but do it carefully. Because we've all missed her, and even more, we've missed you when you're with her."
"Yeah, yeah," James said, but threw his friend a smile. "Off to the bar since some nob drank the rest of my whiskey. Get you something?"
"Same for me," Sirius said and then turned to Peter, likely to make another bet.
James made his way to the bar, stopping to chat with a few former Order members or colleagues at the ministry. He waved over to Moody, who looked positively debonair, seated with some high ups at the ministry.
Lily will be pleased, James couldn't help but think, and continued to make his way to the bar. He had just made it when he heard a disturbance outside.
Sighing, he abandoned his pursuit and popped out to the lobby to see a very unwanted face arguing with a waiter, who was holding a white envelope.
The honey blonde hair, a wizard cloak, the ice blue eyes, looking all too confident for a victory party when he was very much a loser.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing here, Mulciber?" James practically growled.
"Easy, Potter," Mulciber said, his voice annoyingly casual. "Had to get something to the minister."
"You play errand boy now?" James challenged, unable to help the sneer in his voice.
"No, just taking care of some security related items that are time sensitive. You see, interestingly enough, Cornelius asked me to look into something that would typically be handled by the auror office. Why do you think that is?" came Mulciber's drawl, and James couldn't help the way his blood ran cold for a moment.
"Which you've done, so get out," James said, nodding to the younger boy to go back inside.
"Maybe after I have a peek inside," Mulciber said, moving his way past James to the door.
"Absolutely not," James said, blocking him. They stood toe to toe, and James took some satisfaction that Mulciber had to look up slightly to meet his eye. "Restraining order, remember?"
Mulciber let out a dry laugh. "Always Evans' guard dog, aren't you?"
James gave Mulciber a slight shove backward. "You'll leave her alone. Or I'll personally see charges brought against you."
"Oh Potter," Mulciber said, voice low, "I'd love to see you try. You see, pretty soon, I'll be in a position to cancel that restraining order and fire you. Whatever will Evans do then?"
"That's a threat," James said, moving to his pocket to draw his wand and level it against Mulciber's chest.
"Of course not," Mulciber said, walking backwards, eyes still level on James. "After all, it's just your word against mine, isn't it? And hasn't that been your problem all along?" He said, with a cocky wink. "Be sure to tell Evans blue is a great color on her," he tossed out as he turned and left, leaving behind a fuming James.
James had thought he had done an admirable job keeping his mood light the rest of the evening, but he knew he must have been doing a piss poor job of it as the night wrapped up and Lily pulled him aside.
"Okay, what gives, Potter?" she asked, and James found himself unable to meet her eye. "You've been strange for about the last hour and a half."
"I think I've been normal—"
"James," Lily said, "just tell me."
He paused and thought, tossing back his drink in one go. "Work stuff, Lil," he said, giving a shrug. "Not worth thinking about."
"You're sure? Because if you need to leave, I can get home myself. I didn't expect you to take me home or anything," she trailed off, her eyes flitting to his for a moment, an unexpected heat lighting them up.
Because it was almost like she did want him to take her home, he realized. Like she absolutely wanted him to. James allowed himself to meet her gaze for one long, silent moment. Those piercing, perfect emeralds, able to cut him through to his core and make him come alive in ways no other set of eyes could.
And he knew this was reckless, the exact opposite of what he'd told Sirius just hours ago, but he needed her safe, he needed her with him, and before he could over think it, he found himself saying the last words he probably should.
"Let's go back to my place," James said, and the huskiness of his voice was even detectable to him,
"But—"
"Do you want to leave with me?" James cut her off, challenging her with a look.
"James—"
"Cards on the table, Lil. I want you to come home with me tonight. Will you join me?"
A pause.
And just when James thought it was done, that her rejection was inevitable, she replied.
"Yes."
Then: Lily
It had been two weeks.
Lily hadn't left the house for two weeks. At first, she had tortured herself by reading every issue of every newspaper, scrolling through the radio, desperate for news of Crouch, both the elder and younger, for some sign that this was all a misunderstanding. That what the aurors had arrested the elder Crouch for was incorrect, that her boss would be released and would return, triumphant and ready to vanquish his accusers.
But as the days wore on, the news was grimmer than ever because it was, quite simply, true.
The investigation had been meticulous, well-planned and organized, down to the last detail.
And her fiancé had been one of the ones at the helm of it.
The irony of it all was that she couldn't help but feel proud of him; he had done remarkable, brave work, even if it had sent her career crashing to the ground.
"Lily?"
Speak of the devil, Lily thought wryly, still lying in their bed, despite the fact that it was now 5:00 in the evening.
"Have you been here all day?" James asked, her face and voice laced with concern.
"What's it matter?" Lily shrugged. "I'm untouchable right now. I have no job, no prospects of a job—"
"Have you tried reaching out to Slughorn? The PR thing might have to go on hold for a while, but you can always look into brewing, or healing, or—"
"I don't want to do that, James," Lily snapped. "You must absolutely love this, don't you?"
"Excuse me?" He asked, and while he kept his tone even, Lily could see the irritation rising on his face. "You think I love seeing you upset?"
"You never wanted me to do that line of work. You always thought it was beneath you. That your muggleborn fiancé wasn't in a good enough profession for the great Auror Potter—"
"Don't make this about your blood, Lily," James cut in. "I was proud of you. I'm always proud of you—"
Lily let out a laugh that sounded insane even to her own ears. "You were not proud! You fought with me constantly about the line of work I chose to go into and now you got your way. I'm unemployed and the only thing on my horizon is our wedding—"
"How nice of you to see our wedding as a consolation prize and not the happiest day of our lives," James spat sarcastically
"You expect me to be happy?!" Lily said with a sneer. "How do you expect me to look at my life and be happy right now?"
James looked away from her and Lily felt another crack, among so many cracks that had been forming lately, jolt down her heart.
"Why? Why did you do this?" Lily asked, and she couldn't keep the sob out of it.
"I tried, Lily. I did. I hinted, as much as I could—"
"If our situation was reversed, I wouldn't have hinted, James. I would have screamed it at you—"
"I KNOW!" James bellowed, and she could see the same hopelessness etched on his face that she was sure had overtaken hers. "I should have done more. I failed to protect you—again—but I was following the rules!"
Lily scoffed. "Since when do you, James Potter, care about rules?"
"SINCE MULCIBER HAD YOU CAPTIVE!" James shrieked. "Since I let you talk me into breaking Order protocol and rush into the Battle of Galloway and he took you! And I had to live with the knowledge that had I done my job, had I listened to Moody, you wouldn't have been—" and he cut himself off with a shake of his head and a choked sob.
"This was NOTHING like that—" Lily started.
"It felt close enough," James said quietly. "I thought I could follow orders and get you to bow out gracefully, untouched. I know I could have done more. But my intentions—"
"Don't matter worth shit," Lily said, but her voice was laced with regret. "I wish they did, James, I do, but—"
"Lily, please, give it more time. Reach out to some people, see what doors open," and Lily could feel the desperation in his voice, could feel herself wanting to listen to him. Wanting to give in.
But she knew her heart and her mind. And she could not reconcile this, not yet.
"I need space," Lily said, voice quiet, but firm.
"Like some time apart? I can stay with Sirius until the wedding, give you time to clear your head—"
"Like a break, James. I can't marry you, not when I resent you so much," Lily said, and she found as she said the words, it was a relief. Not a happy one, but like a wave of calm after being violently sick.
"What are you saying? You want to break up?" came James' reply, and she could feel his heart breaking, could see him unraveling at the suggestion.
She paused, looking at him, taking him in, knowing this would be the end, that there may be no turning back, no undoing what was being done. She took in his face, seeing the fear, the despair, the plea for her to fix it, somehow, someway.
Finally, she replied.
"Yes."
