In truth, Katniss didn't have much of an appetite but she muttered her thanks when he set a plate in front of her, and the evening was filled with forced conversation. When Peeta suggested they retire for the evening, she practically skipped ahead of him to close herself in the bathroom. Peeta heaved a deep sigh and shook his head.
Great. She doesn't even want to be in the same room as you.
You're a monster.
You're a Capitol Mutt, several women had snarled at him.
He was starting to believe it was true.
There was a darkness that had been implanted in him, which made him a fine peacekeeper. True, he did it all so he could get back to protect the woman he loved but that didn't wipe him clean of all his sins.
He sat on the edge of the bed, his face hidden in his hands. He started when he heard the door opened and Katniss kept her face lowered.
"All yours," she muttered as she dove beneath the covers. Sighing, he grabbed his pajamas and slammed the bathroom door behind him, wincing when it slammed harder than necessary.
Peeta gripped the edge of the sink and stared into the mirror. He knew he had changed. From the first day of training in 2, he wondered if anyone would even recognize him, should he ever return to 12.
Would he recognize himself?
Darkness swirled in his bright eyes and he hastily splashed some water on his face. He wanted to be the man Katniss thought him to be. All his life he had been thinking of how to be good enough for her.
Would he ever be?
He frowned at his reflection before brushing his teeth and changing for bed.
Katniss lay still, facing the wall as she listened to the running water in the bathroom. Who had painted those words? And what would happen to them once they were discovered? Would Peeta go easy on them, just because she had asked it of him?
What had they done to him in training? She wanted to know but didn't want to ask. She had caught flashes of the haunted look in his eyes that told her he had seen horrors. That look faded when he smiled, and she racked her brain for ways to make sure he always smiled from now on.
When he finally exited the bathroom, she was still lost for words so she said nothing as she slid into bed behind her.
"Katniss?" His voice was soft, almost hesitant, but she pretended to be asleep. Sighing, he left a soft kiss on her cheek before he turned to face the opposite side. Their backs barely touched and she felt cold surround her. She wanted to feel his warmth around her, wanted to ask him to hold her but his words from earlier still echoed in her head. It was clear Peeta had another side to him, a side she wasn't sure she wanted to see. She'd had glimpses but she couldn't imagine Peeta losing his temper completely. Yelling at his mother and threatening the unknown vandals had been just a glance, she thought. Would Peeta ever become something else entirely? And would she be able to pull him back for it, or would she lose him? Grimacing at her own dark thoughts, she repositioned her head and tried to find sleep.
Peeta woke several times in the night, his heart racing quickly and droplets of sweat dampening his hairline. He flipped over to his back and stared at the ceiling. Screams of terror, mothers' pleading cries, gunshots… they echoed in his head and he roughly hit himself to be rid of the nightmares. Huffing, he threw the covers aside before he remembered his wife slept by his side. He cast her a startled look but sighed when he saw she was sleeping peacefully. He bit his lip as he slipped from the bed and over to his bag that held his sketchbook. He flipped the lamp on, and propped the book on his knees, his hand flying across the page.
The meadow was starting to come to life when she shifted beside him. His pencil froze and he chewed his lip. When she was still again, he continued his drawing.
A smile crossed his face as he drew her with her head in his lap; he remembered how her hair felt in his fingers and the warmth of her lips when he paused his sentence to lean down for a kiss.
"You look happy," a sleepy voice jerked him from his thoughts.
"I didn't wake you, did I," he asked worriedly. She sat up beside him, shaking her head.
"I wake up at night a lot. Nightmares about my dad mostly. What are you working on?"
"Just sketching," he shrugged dismissively.
"Well whatever it is, is making you mighty happy." She held out her hand and he stared at her, before handing the book over. She propped it on her knees and flipped to the page he had been working on. She smiled at the drawing then looked back at him.
"I really enjoyed today," she said softly, her eyes meeting his.
"Me too," he nodded. She turned her attention back to the sketch book and thumbed the pages.
"May I?" He was wary. He rarely let anyone see his drawings. He felt like someone was looking straight into his soul.
But he always felt like that with Katniss. So he nodded and leaned against the wall.
Katniss studied the intricate flowers, the sketches of delicate hands, various plants, pairs of eyes that were shaded in.
She went in no particular order and Peeta was starting to drift off to sleep when a sharp gasp made him jump. One of her hands was clapped over her mouth as she took in the drawing.
A burning district. People running. Their mouths opened in silent screams. Bodies strewn on the ground. Peacekeepers in stiff uniforms standing over the bodies with guns. Peeta shifted and tried to close the book.
"I have to draw my nightmares, Katniss, else they just continue to haunt me. Drawing them makes it a little easier to deal with them."
"What is this?" He didn't want to tell her. Didn't want her to look at him like a monster. Too late, he thought bitterly. How can she love me when she doesn't even know about my past? About everything I've done?
And… how could she ever love me once she knows?
"Peeta?"
"We got a call from an operative outside of District 11. There was an… an uprising, throughout the district. The Minister of Security instructed us to see to it that all rebellious activity was squashed. I had just turned 17 and… I still have nightmares about the screams." He squeezed his eyes shut and ran his hand through his hair.
"I remember… when we got back to 2… I cried into my pillow. Rye comforted me and… I think he was pretty shaken up too. We had never killed before. And some of the rebels… they were just kids, Katniss! Children who just wanted a fair chance at life. And I took that chance away. With one shot in the head, it was over. Because I was a loyal soldier to President Snow, I was forced to murder children." He blinked back tears but Katniss could still see his cheeks were wet, even in the dark. She snuggled into his side and pressed her cheek against his hammering heart.
"I'm not who you think I am," he said in a shaky voice. "I'm not as good as you think. I've done...terrible things. All for the good of Panem, so they say. But I am not the gentle boy you remember. I wish I could be… but too much has changed. And I'm terrified of disappointing you but I know it's bound to happen. You'll see me doing my duty and you'll be disgusted with me. You'll leave me and I'll-"
"Peeta." She sat in front of him, nearly straddling him, and held his face in her hands.
"No one else can choose your path for you. You choose that yourself. Your actions lead you to who you become. And maybe you have done some bad things… but that doesn't make you a bad person. I know your heart, Peeta. You fed me when we were kids. You saved me from being used. Your heart… your heart is what matters. And that goodness inside you… it doesn't just go away. Some of that darkness may try to put out the light but that light… it's what I love about you. The light in your eyes, it tells me you ARE a good person." Her hand moved up to his hair and he closed his eyes as he leaned into her palm.
"I'm not leaving you, Peeta. So don't try to drive me away."
"I won't. I just don't want you to be saddled with a mutt for a husband."
"I'm getting tired of that kind of talk," she said testily. "You have to promise me, right now, that you will believe me when I say you have a good heart." Peeta couldn't help but smile.
"Ok. I promise. And you have to promise to believe me when I tell you how incredible you are."
"One step at a time," she muttered, moving off of him and leaning against the headboard. Peeta reached over and set the sketch book back in her hands.
"Maybe it will help you… to see through my eyes. How I see you." She gave him a puzzled frown before she flipped the book open.
It was her but it wasn't. The drawing was majestic, beautiful even. Katniss had never looked like that. And she was wearing her dad's hunting jacket with her bow over her shoulder. A regular day for her. Why then, had he drawn her looking so… magnificent?
"This isn't me."
"That's incorrect, as I don't know many dark-haired huntresses in 12."
"But I'm… you've drawn me… you made me beautiful."
"I didn't make you anything, Katniss. I have always found you alluring. There is an ethereal mystery about you that makes you the most stunning creature ever created." Katniss tapped the page with her thumb.
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Paint colorful pictures with just your words." He turned to face her and cupped her chin gently.
"You just make it that easy."
"Stop," she laughed. "You're starting to sound like that Victor from 4."
"Oh if you're comparing me to Finnick Odair, I must be doing alright. Everyone adores him in the Capitol."
"Mmhm, I'm sure. Quite a peacock, from what I've seen. What with his glittering jewels and the lovely women at his side."
"What, you don't fancy a Capitol lifestyle? Glittering jewels and more money than you'd know what to do with?"
"I would settle for a full meal every day and some new clothes for Prim." His teasing smile faded and he nodded slowly.
"Of course. Katniss, I was only-"
"I imagine it would be so easy for the Capitol to lure you into their ways." His brow furrowed.
"What do you...why would you say that?"
"Because you have a weakness for beautiful things. You'd be lost completely, I imagine." Peeta's nostrils flared and a dark look crossed over his face.
"Having an eye for beauty isn't the same thing as weakness, Katniss. Except possibly when it comes to you."
"What does that-"
"It's late," he said loudly, turning to set the book beside his lamp. "You should sleep." She stared at him and threw up her hands.
"Are you going to do this every time? Shut me out?"
"I'm trying not to, Katniss, but you obviously have this perceived notion about me that is actually quite untrue."
"Then why am I here? Hm?" He sat up to face her and she crossed her arms.
"Why am I staying here, if you're not going to talk to me?"
"What do you call what we have been doing for the past hour? What more can I tell you?"
"Tell me why you keep putting up walls around me. Why you seem bound and determined to chase me away. Tell me why you won't let me into your heart!" There was a tense silence that sliced at them both. Peeta actually winced.
"Have you let me into yours, Katniss?" She gasped and tightened her arms over her chest, as if guarding the topic of conversation. Her action made his shoulders sag.
"That's what I thought. Good night, Katniss."
"Peeta wait-" her hand flew to his arm and he paused momentarily.
"I want to," she said in the smallest voice. "I want to let you in… but I'm scared. I've never… needed anyone like that before. And my sister has always been the most important thing in my life. Letting someone else in, sharing room with her, it's… it's hard. But," she sucked in a breath and squeezed his arm. "I want to try. Really. I want you to love me."
"I already do, Katniss. I always have."
"And I didn't know that until you told me. You have a fourteen year head start on me. Can't you give me some time to catch up… and actually let me get to know you? Stop looking so wounded when I say something you disagree with. Married people talk. About their problems, their hopes, their dreams, their nightmares. Let's get to know each other and see what happens." His blue eyes were dark and swirling with uncertainty so Katniss didn't know what he was feeling.
"You're right," he finally said. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers. "God Katniss, you're so right. I'm so sorry. My brothers tried to tell me… but I guess I don't really know what a successful marriage is. As you can probably guess, my parents didn't exactly marry for love. I suppose they like and respect one another but I have never seen them show any kind of affection. And I can't imagine my mother sharing her hopes and dreams. With anyone."
"My parents were so in love," she said softly and he opened his eyes to look at her again. "When my dad died… I thought Mom would follow him in death. I said I never wanted to find a love like that. Something that could destroy me if I ever lost yo- that person." He stroked her cheek and squeezed his eyes shut.
"I'll try to open my heart to you, if you can try to open yours to me. And if you need time to do that, then that's fine. I told you when I first showed you the contract that all I ask is friendship."
"But that's not all you want," she protested. "You hope I will fall in love with you."
"Katniss, I-"
"And I know I feel something for you...something strong. So just give me some time to figure it out. And don't chase me away or shut me out. I get that you're protecting your heart but if you keep it guarded, how am I supposed to find my way there?" Peeta didn't know what to say to that but he feared she could hear how loudly his heart was beating in his chest. He yanked her forward to kiss her and it knocked both of them senseless. When he pulled away, she silently pulled him down to the pillows and curled up in his embrace.
"I enjoyed today," she mumbled. "And I'd like to do that more often. Just talk and get to know each other." He rested his chin on her hair, his fingers making gentle patterns across her back, as he found peaceful sleep rather quickly.
two for one! ;) I just wrote several new chapters tonight so thought I would post another one :) I'm actually quite fond of this one cause it's a rare glimpse of Katniss putting her feelings out there. Hope you enjoyed and have a great weekend!
Xoxo
