I woke up feeling genuinely better for once, both physically and mentally. I sat up in bed and looked around my temporary room, not feeling the same despair I usually did and smiled to myself. One week down, three to go, I could do this. I cleaned the fleshlight I had used again, worked out, and showered but before I left my room, I caught the letter on my desk. I cursed to myself for not reading 'Funeral' last night before sitting in my chair to do that before Wesker found out. Would he even care? I wasn't sure but he was going through the effort of having each one ready every night so I felt bad that I hadn't done my part in reading it. It was short anyway so it didn't take me long to get through it. I carried it out with me, leaving it on the coffee table for Wesker to get around to burning whenever he wanted.
Wesker's door was still closed and I actually found myself wanting to go knock on it to see what he was up to. I didn't even bother to tell myself any excuses about it being because of any type of suspicion or that I should be keeping my eye on him, I just wanted the company… his company. But I didn't bother him because I knew he would know why I did it. So I busied myself making something small to eat as I wasn't very hungry yet but I wanted to show Wesker that I wasn't going to keep relying on him. I'll admit it was nice having him cook for me but I was perfectly capable of doing things for myself. I didn't bother making enough for the blond as well since he just ate yesterday and wouldn't need to again for another day or two.
I had the time to finish eating and do all the dishes and Wesker still hadn't come out of his cell. I sat on the couch, pretending to be reading something in the news on my phone though my attention was stuck to the door on my right. Surely he knew I was up, it's not like I had been quiet and even if I was he would have heard me anyway. Maybe he was taking a shower… I didn't hear the water running. Maybe he was just too busy writing or something… but he preferred to do things out here with me. Maybe he wanted to be alone right now for some reason… but he said he enjoyed my company and nothing happened between us that would warrant either of us to avoid one another. I'd even dare to say we were on good terms and this would be the time for him to try to get closer to me since he knew I was allowing it… sort of.
I hadn't noticed my finger tapping against my folded arm, my phone forgotten, until the tempo and strength behind it made the joints ache. That's it. I stood and walked to his door, pausing for a moment as I thought about what I was going to say to him. I was angry… why? It's not like we made plans and he was standing me up or anything… he wasn't doing anything wrong by staying in his cell and I shouldn't care what he was doing. So why did I? Why was I angry at him for keeping me waiting for him as if my day only started when he walked into it? I didn't bother knocking, reminding myself that it wasn't his bedroom- it was his prison cell and I was his warden.
I opened my mouth to say something when I froze at the sight before me. Wesker lay shirtless on his bed, the blanket only covered the bottom half of his body and his inhuman eyes were closed. He lay on his side facing the room, one arm under the pillow where his head rested against it and the other hanging over his torso. His hair was out of the usual style to fall over the pillowcase, having gone long enough without any hair gel to aid it in remembering how it was supposed to stay. Under the blanket, I could tell his knees were slightly bent which left a small spot in front of him where I could sit if I wanted to but I shook that thought from my mind. I looked back up his body, tracing the light curve in his position, and found his eyes fluttering open. They found mine right away and blinked a few times as thoughts ran over them to catch up with what was happening. When he was done processing the situation, he sat up and ran a hand over his hair to attempt to get it to go back and stay that way which most of it did though a few strands fell over his forehead. I expected him to make some comment about me waking him up or being here at all but he didn't, just asked what time it was.
"I uh… I don't know." I admitted, my eyes still hungrily raking over his bare torso. I didn't care if he noticed, I thought it was pretty clear where we stood. I was attracted to him and he, for some still unknown but probably twisted reason, wanted me. We both knew and he wasn't hiding it so I wasn't going to anymore either. If he was going to put himself on display then I was going to look and I was at least going to pretend to be confident about it like I didn't care that he saw me staring… like right now. He leaned back with his hands behind him on the bed for support to reveal the whole length of his torso and watched for my reaction to his open invitation. Though my face heated up and my heart rate increased, I stood my ground and didn't look away. We both stayed still for a long moment before he smirked and pulled the blanket off to stand. My eyes traced over his bare legs before sticking maybe a little too long over the crotch of the boxers he wore. I always thought he was more of a briefs kind of guy especially with all of the tight clothing he wore but I wore boxers so that's what I bought for him.
"Was there something you needed of me?" he asked as he moved to the dresser to pull out a pair of sweatpants though he didn't put them on yet as he walked over to his sink, throwing me a glance over his shoulder.
"Um…" I was taken aback by the question because though I walked in, I hadn't actually thought about what I was going to say. What justification did I have for coming in here other than the truth I couldn't tell him of wanting to spend time with him? He wet his hands and ran them through his hair to keep it in place better. I watched his hands work, not realizing that I had stepped further in- closer to him until my hands reached up to grab his to stop him. He turned his head to look at me curiously. I hadn't meant to but now that I was here, I wasn't going to let him see that this was an impulsive action. I lowered his hands away from his head before releasing them to replace them with my own. My fingers slowly worked his wet hair into a more casual style, not as formal as he usually kept it but not messy either. Something I hoped he would like or at least accept while he wasn't able to keep it how he liked.
I kept my eyes on the blond hair between my fingers and I would deny that I was taking my time to play with it a bit. I smiled to myself as I remembered the first and only other time I've touched his hair after he lost that bet and I had him in casual attire for the day. Both times I was messing his hair up to restyle it and pretending I wasn't enjoying every bit of it. My fingers running through his silky hair that while wettened caught the light to appear completely golden, a small smile of contentment on my face, and his eyes watching me in a mix of curiosity and amusement.
Finally calling it good, my hands drifted at the sides of his head longer than would be acceptable though it was better than touching his face like I wanted to. Just like back then, he didn't say anything to stop the touch. I couldn't see his eyes last time and though they weren't the eyes of a human anymore, I wondered if this was the same expression wore when he observed my motions before. I understood the typical looks from him but there was something else in his eyes right now… a kind of fondness… something almost soft. Maybe he was also recalling the other time this had happened. How he was looking at me made my heart flutter with emotion and I wanted to kiss him. The desire made me frown as my eyes shifted down and my hands slipped from him.
"You turn the loveliest shade of red in these moments." he whispered to me, drawing my widened eyes back to his and I took notice of the tiniest of smiles on his lips. I took a step away from him at that. He was just flirting and I was playing right into what he wanted from me- I needed to stop this! There was a difference between not hiding that I wanted him and leaving my feelings for him on display! I had to draw an emotional line and stop allowing myself to cross it!
"I left the letter on the table for you." I told him as I walked away, opting to go back to my room for at least a few minutes in order to calm down. I did some breathing to slow my heart from racing and checked the mirror to ensure I wasn't red anymore before I exited again. Wesker was dressed when I returned to our shared space, standing with the latest letter in hand as his eyes skimmed it though he looked up to me when he heard my door open again. I smiled a bit to myself when I saw he left his hair how I made it.
"Would you like to assist me?" he asked smoothly as he gestured to the kitchen and I nodded before following him. He grabbed the metal trash can and held the paper over it so I grabbed the lighter to set fire to one of the edges and watched it spread over the white pages. As if knowing how I liked to watch the flames engulf the paper, Wesker held them up for me until the flames reached too close to his fingers so he finally dropped them into the bin. I continued to listen to the fire crackle as I watched it burn, not realizing how close I was to Wesker until I lifted my head to come face to face with him. Neither of us moved. "Why are you so interested in these fires?" he asked with a soft tone.
"I don't know, it's like a piece of you burning away." I answered with a lazy shrug of one shoulder, still not moving or looking away.
"And that's a good thing?" he questioned, a bit of a suspicious edge to his low voice. I chuckled and finally backed up.
"Well I like to imagine the bad memories are being destroyed and the good ones are being set free." I told him as he put the bin back in its new place.
"How sentimental of you." he smiled at me but I didn't return it. He was right… I shouldn't be thinking of anything redeeming about him, he didn't deserve it. I was getting too comfortable. I needed to pull back before he took advantage of this obvious weakness.
"So I was thinking about Racoon City and your losses again." I changed the topic as I moved around him to make some toast for a quick lunch since my breakfast was small.
"Oh?" was all he said as he leaned on the counter and folded his arms across his chest. I felt his inhuman eyes following me but rather than feeling either threatened or studied in some way, it wasn't anything. It was just casual… he wasn't observing me or judging me, he was just giving me his attention as I made my lunch and started a new conversation with him. Maybe I wasn't the only one getting too comfortable. That was actually a rather pleasant thought. I found myself once again feeling like maybe this wouldn't be such a bad month and we were already a week in.
"Well since the last letter was about a funeral, it had me thinking about how you didn't get to go to William's funeral since there wasn't one and all." I cringed at myself for that sentence, the whole thing being unnecessary but I was still trying to collect myself again. Weak excuse but there it was. "I was thinking that Sherry is a living piece of William so if you regret not helping him, maybe you could help her." I explained though it was only a piece of what had been brewing in my mind.
"I believe I've helped her enough."
"Do you know what happened to her after Racoon City?" I raised a brow at him, only sparing him a glance before going back to what I was doing.
"Just that she was taken in by the American government. Do you know where she is now?" he countered and I mentally slapped myself. I felt like if I was going to bring this up I should've had more information but that was about as much as I knew too. Would it even be wise to give him any information on Sherry? I don't think he would do anything to her but still, he's the enemy and whatnot.
"I only know what Claire told me." I informed him with a sheepish look. "I was just wondering how close to her you were since you made it seem like her parents wanted you in her life in your letter."
"I was in her life, I was her godfather." I turned back to him sharply in shock. "Don't look at me like that. I never wanted that responsibility but I still took it seriously." he looked a little displeased at sharing the information but I didn't doubt it for a minute. It wasn't shocking that he took the responsibility seriously, he took everything seriously. It was shocking that someone gave him that responsibility in the first place though I supposed William considered Wesker to be his closest friend and knew how reliable he was. It was shocking to think of Wesker in any sort of a parental situation since he didn't like children. Even on our STARS cases that involved kids he always had someone else deal with them, usually Jill since kids tend to be more trusting and comfortable with women. Still… I'd pay to see him acting like a father to a small child. It'd be cute.
"Yet you don't know where she's been for the last eleven years." I jabbed to hide the light blush that crept to my face due to some unwanted thoughts about him… and me… and kids. I don't know where that thought process came from but the sooner I got rid of it the better.
"And that's for the best. Do you honestly think she would have been better off if I had kidnapped and raised her around my work?" I didn't answer because there wasn't one for that. No, I don't think it would have been good for her or anyone to be around Wesker… yet here I was. "Therefore even in the decision to let her go, I was still acting in her best interest as her godfather." there was a short silence between us as I took that in. Was he basically acknowledging that what he did for work was wrong? "You've met her, you know?" he continued which took me out of my head… and then put me right back into it on a different train.
"I have?" I asked in surprise as I moved my food to the table to eat. The blond man followed me, sitting in his chair as I took mine.
"Yes, there was a time she showed up at the police station to see me because she was angry at her parents and claimed to be running away." I thought about that for a long time, trying to remember but I didn't know what she looked like so it was hard to figure it out. So I tried to focus on the case but STARS didn't deal with runaways… or kids in general except for the really tragic times kids were involved in the kind of cases that got assigned to us. But it was fair to assume this wasn't anything like that. So I tried to remember any odd occurrences involving kids I could recall and only one instance came to mind. Even though it was such a distant and brief memory, it was memorable because of the oddity of it. A small blond girl came directly into the STARS office sobbing. We didn't know what to do with her and any time we tried to get anything out of her, she said she didn't talk to strangers. We tried to assure her it was okay since we were police officers but she was adamant that she would only talk to Wesker. We were all confused about how she knew him, how she got there without direction, and what was going on that was severe enough for this little girl to need the attention of our captain. It wasn't much longer until he came back and wordlessly swept the girl into his arms and carried her into his office, closing the door behind him. They were in there for about half an hour before they emerged only to leave. Wesker returned after another half hour to simply tell us that had been a personal matter that he didn't want any questions on. We all made theories about it like usual but he never mentioned it nor would allow any questions and we never saw her again so eventually we all forgot about it.
"That was her?" I asked in surprise and he confirmed it. I nodded to myself a bit, still thinking about my brief encounter with the little girl. Well now I had a face to go with the name.
"Your sister found her in the police station where Chief Irons abducted her for ransom from William. I believe she went there looking for me when her parents never returned home and people began to turn into zombies." he seemed to have more to say about that but trailed off and got lost in thought. "I'm actually very grateful to your sister for getting her out of there when I couldn't." he finally finished and I nodded a bit, not knowing what to say to that. I never knew what to say when Wesker was acting even the slightest bit emotional over something because it was just so rare and always took me by surprise. It was clear he cared for Sherry even if it was in his own way and I had to brush away thoughts of trying to track her down for him just so he could know she was alright. I had no doubt that Leon could find out for me… no, I couldn't do that. Wesker was probably considered a security risk for her so there was no way I was going to willingly seek out information on her specifically for him.
I finished my simple breakfast and got up to wash my plate, my eyes glancing up to Wesker every once and a while to watch as he moved to the couch to wait for me. I was about to say something else when my phone buzzed in my pocket. The conversation wasn't important enough for me to ignore her so I pulled the slim device from its place to see who else wanted my attention.
Jill: You need to lock Wesker in at night
I knew this was going to happen eventually but it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have right now.
Chris: Not like it does anything
Jill: You're getting too comfortable
Chris: I'm just making it easier on myself
Jill: I think he's up to something you need to be careful
Chris: What's going on
Jill: I just got in but I was told he's been standing outside your door for the last two nights
The last two nights… outside my door… I've masturbated the last two nights. He knew… more than that, he was actively listening. He purposefully stood outside my door for two nights to listen to me pleasure myself to thoughts of him… at least he didn't know that last part. This was… I felt humiliated, anxious, and excited. He knew what I was doing and he liked it enough to come back for more. He even stealthily got me to turn down my music so he could hear me better! My whole body felt hot and I wanted to rush over to him and… I couldn't tell if I wanted to punch him or kiss him. Maybe both. But the embarrassment was strong enough to keep me still.
Chris: Thanks for letting me know
Chris: I'll be careful
Jill: Are you okay
Jill: You two have been getting close
Jill: I'm getting worried
Chris: We'll talk about it later
Should I bring this up with Wesker or keep it to myself that I knew he was listening in on me? What would he do if I told him? Would he take his advances on me a step further? Did I want that? My body ached longingly in response but my mind lectured me that he was the enemy. It was my heart that settled the argument between the conflicting reasonings. I'd said it before but I wanted this to be real, not just some trick to get what he wanted or a fling we shared for this short time. I wanted more than that but Wesker would never feel the same, would never settle down, and would never be to give me what I want. My heart hurt thinking about doing anything with him because I knew it would only be temporary and it would only be me that felt anything. He would abandon me and break my heart again and I couldn't go through any more of that from him. So no, I didn't want him to try anything else with me. I needed to shut that down. I decided not to bring it up, it really wasn't a conversation I wanted to have anyway. I still didn't want to lock him in again, though my reasonings were mostly excuses, they were true. But I swore to myself that I wasn't going to be masturbating again anytime soon.
I peered over to him just to meet his eye. He was looking at me with sinfully narrowed eyes and a knowing smirk. Did he know that I just found out or was he just looking at me like that because I was still blushing and he was planning to make a move? He got up and walked into his cell, I heard the sound of tearing paper before he came back out with a book. Whatever it was, he didn't say anything about it and neither did I and he seemed to understand that I no longer wanted to talk. I did still sit on the couch with him, trying to act as if everything was normal just in case he didn't know. But I didn't know what to do. My face was still hot thinking about what he heard and it only took a few minutes for me to make some lame excuse that would put me in my room where I planned to stay.
"Tonight's letter is on my desk if you want to take it with you." there was that arrogant smirk I was familiar with and a surge of anger rolled in me from the sight of it. I did my best to ignore it as I walked into his cell to grab the papers atop his desk and walk back out. When did that become so easy for me? I'd only been in there a few times and aside from today, it had always been stressful even if I did notice it fading. I chose to ignore that as well and went straight to my room only to pause in my doorway when Wesker's voice called out to me. "Sleep well tonight." I didn't look back at him, knowing what kind of expression he would be wearing just from the sultry tone to his voice. I stepped into my room, shut my door, and locked it. He knew.
I didn't want to read his letter right now, it was titled 'Pet' and though I couldn't see Wesker owning a pet, I guess he did at some point. I'd read it later, it wasn't that late in the day and I felt like hiding in bed right now so that's what I did.
~...~...~...~
It was understandable for Chris to be at my beck and call since I was his captain but he always seemed to follow me with extra vigor. He admired me though he was never afraid to tell me if he disagreed with my orders. Given his record in the Air Force, I expected this and was fine with it. As a scientist, I was accustomed to debates and challenges of such a nature and could even find them progressive. As long as no one crossed the line into insubordination, I was willing to listen to their arguments.
I didn't frequently get invited out with everyone since they all knew I would deny but when I did, it was usually Chris that did it. I wasn't sure if it was because he was the one thinking of me or if everyone else sent him to do it. Sometimes I wondered if they knew he was my favorite but I don't recall ever showing any signs of it since I was strictly against favoritism. If anything I would have been harder on him than the others because I expected more of him. Maybe it was a simple case of him being more willing to press me even if I was in a foul mood. That was far more likely as he had a talent for that.
I never owned a pet, never had an interest to either, but I sometimes thought that perhaps the way Chris looked at me when I praised him was the appeal people saw in having one. So at some point, at least in my own mind, I began to address him as such. He was my loyal dog that listened and followed when told, only speaking out if he felt something was wrong, watching my back when there was danger, and resting with me in the quiet moments. There were also the less desirable qualities of a pet as well such as the trouble he would cause when he was bored and the responsibility for his behavior fell on me as his owner. That's what it was like to own a pet, was it not? It was as close to the experience as I ever cared to get and it was enough for me.
I believe the first real time I found myself caring for Chris was when I nearly watched him get torn to shreds by cerberus, such was the fate of Joseph. Of course I had saved his, and the other's, lives before but those were calculated acts- part of my role, if you will. It wouldn't do to allow my unit to die since we were all taught to protect each other and I wasn't going through the effort of training them all further just to have them perish when I could have spared them. That's all it was, a job. But that job had shifted and now it was time to let them all die, to kill them with my own hands if need be. I had wanted as many in the mansion as possible for more varied combat data on our experiments but one less wouldn't have been of consequence. I could have rushed to help Joseph but I didn't and I saw Jill being attacked but chose not to act though Chris had come to her rescue. It wasn't until a cerberus was leaping at Chris that my body reacted. I had shot it away and called out to him before I even realized what I had done. I hadn't intended to save him, it had been purely instinctual though it had not been for the others.
This simple act stirred up an inner turmoil that continued to plague me over the years. I tried to deny it but I found myself rather incapable of putting down my pet. Even after all that had happened, he was still loyal to me though the definition of that loyalty had shifted. Wherever there was mention of me, he would be there. He still followed me without hesitation and that brought on its own amusement that I didn't want to be without. I made excuses to myself for why I didn't kill him but that was the strongest, he provided a form of entertainment for me. It wasn't until our encounter at the Spencer mansion that I understood the true reason I didn't want him dead but I believe it was that accidental act of saving him from that infected dog that began the process of the discovery. However much he stood in my way and however deeply I still hated him, I was glad for his existence.
Chris, at the point that I give you this letter you will have discovered that I've been listening in on your nighttime activities. I don't expect it to take long since Jill or someone else will no doubt inform you. I expect you to act as though nothing has changed but I refuse. Though if you insist, I'll play along so long as you turn off the music and give me something to really listen to.
There, I finally got another chapter out. Sorry it took so long to get it finished and posted, I've got the lame excuse of being terribly busy. Which is the truth but it's also true that I've been spending my free time drawing rather than writing. I wanna give credit jazzgirlsworld for the inspiration on the cerberus bit, it went a bit further in depth but that depth shall be explored a bit later when the two finally start talking more openly to each other.
Also, totally unrelated to this story or any updates though I guess it will affect how much I'm able to write later on. But I'm getting surgery in January or February! I'm so excited! It's not scheduled yet because I have to get my therapist's letter of support first but yeah! I was expecting to have to wait at least until next summer to hit my year on testosterone mark so this was fantastic news! For those of you who don't know, I'm transgender (FtM) and I've been on T since July 2020 and now I'm getting top surgery within the next three months! WHOA!
