I had a migraine and the coffee wasn't helping. I hadn't slept much and Wesker's concerned sideways glances weren't helping either. I glared at him from time to time like this was his fault but really it was my own. I was stressing over what to do about the developing relationship between the two of us and I was still so conflicted over it all my mind was basically a warzone. I knew I was overthinking every little thing but I couldn't help it, things involving Wesker were always complicated so a simple answer just couldn't exist. For most of the day I tried to avoid Wesker, staying in my room most of the time though I did venture out here and there for no real reason other than to have something to do.
"Are you still running from me?" Wesker regarded me with irritation and I sighed, setting my cup roughly down onto the countertop. This was the longest amount of time I'd spent out of my room at once, I was refilling my coffee for the fourth time and had to make a new pot so I couldn't just refill and retreat as I had been since this morning. I'd busied myself with poking through the fridge and hoping Wesker would leave me alone a little longer but apparently I had no such luck.
"I'm not running." I answered curtly but that wasn't the end of it. He looked up at me with a long stare, studying my expression and my body language.
"Why are you pretending to be angry with me?" he asked with a blank look like he hadn't just called me out on my bullshit.
"I'm not pretending." I sighed again as I ran a hand down my face and stared intently at the coffee pot, willing it to brew my beverage faster.
"You're sulking." he stated matter of fact and I rolled my head towards him to give him an annoyed look. "Are you still overthinking having sex with me?" I turned away from him again, leaning on the counter with my elbows and planting my burning face into my hands. I held my breath to keep in a scream of frustration. How was this all so easy for him? Oh right, because he didn't have the disadvantage of having love attached to the lust. Now I was actually mad at him, feeling like he was intentionally rubbing the fact in my face despite not knowing of my handicap. I reminded myself of my own right to remain silent and didn't gift him with an answer. Luckily he didn't press me for one.
Have I decided? What did I want? I wanted Wesker. I wanted to hold onto him and not ever let him go. But I knew he would and knew I would be powerless to stop him from leaving me. I would be lying if I said I was winning the battle with caring. I knew I was beginning to lose when I started realizing how much I enjoyed his company, his touch, and getting more cuddly with him. We weren't even halfway through the month yet and already I knew I was giving in more and more every day. Realistically, how much longer could I keep pretending I didn't want my former captain more than anything? The last thing keeping me from accepting him was the fear of the pain he would leave me with again and it would probably hurt worse this time because I knew it would happen and still allowed it. But really… I was already hurting and I knew I would still hurt when he left. I knew that I was already in too deep to just say 'told ya so' when he left. I would hurt. I knew but I denied it, telling myself that it would be easier if I didn't get too close but I already was close. It took Claire calling me out on it to get me to face that I had already accepted him and only continued to distance myself out of stubbornness.
I sighed deeply to myself as I made my coffee and took it back to my room without being stopped by Wesker again. I sat in my armchair with the tv on though I couldn't say what was playing, it was just there for background noise and maybe to let Wesker think I wasn't in here brooding… he would know anyway. I sipped my coffee as I went over the conversation I had with Claire yesterday for maybe the fourth time.
Claire: As long as you're safe and happy
Chris: As strange or terrible or whatever as it may be I am
Claire: Then I'll be happy for you
Claire: But Chris just promise me you'll keep in mind it won't be like this forever
Chris: About that
Chris: Can we talk about something
Claire: You don't have to ask of course we can talk about anything
Chris: I know this is just gonna be so weird
Chris: Wesker's been putting moves on me
Claire: You're kidding
Claire: Well that's great you're getting what you want then right
Chris: No my heart's on the line here and his isn't
Claire: Oh I see what you mean now
Chris: I don't want to get closer to him when I know he's gonna leave anyway
Claire: You two played with a children's mockery of something he's very serious about
Claire: You openly expressed that you'd rather spend your time with him than not
Claire: You're using him as a leg rest and he's letting you
Claire: Don't you think you're already close
Chris: I guess but that's all more of a tense friendship that I can live with
Chris: He wants to cross the line into a relationship without the relationship
Claire: I know it's awkward but we're both adults you can say sex
Chris: You're not allowed to know what that is
Claire: I'm 27 Chris you're a bit too late to save my pure mind
Claire: Joking aside I've been on my phone too much and I need to get back to work
Chris: I'll leave you alone
Claire: No keep talking I'm just letting you know that I won't be responding as much
There was about a ten minute gap.
Claire: Seriously Chris I want to help
Chris: I don't just want sex I want a relationship
Chris: But it's Wesker
Chris: That's never gonna happen
Chris: He's gonna leave me again and I don't want to get that close or it's gonna hurt too much when he leaves and I go back to meaning nothing to him
Claire: Believe me Chris you have never meant nothing to him
Claire: I mean he came after me just to mess with you
Claire: That's not nothing
Chris: It's nothing good
Chris: I just don't want it to hurt so bad like it did last time
Claire: Okay I'm gonna take a break so just give me a minute to say this
Chris: Okay
Claire: You're already close to him you can't help it being isolated with him and your feelings for him
Claire: You already care and no matter what you do it's going to hurt when he's gone
Claire: Even if you spent the rest of the month without saying another word to him or even looking at him, as soon as you're separated it's going to hurt
Claire: Why not take the path that has at least some happiness in it
Chris: If you knew what was gonna happen to Steve and you couldn't stop it would you still go through it
I remembered being all sorts of nervous when she took forever to reply to that. I didn't know if I had hurt her, I didn't mean to- I was being genuine, or if she was just busy doing work stuff. I had fidgeted enough that Wesker had to tell me to stop because it was interfering with his writing. I was so relieved when she answered though I still wasn't sure if I hurt her feelings or not.
Claire: Yes I would
Claire: Even though he's gone and it hurts I'm better for knowing him and having those feelings
Claire: I had you and my friends to help me through my loss and I got through my grief to be a better person to live on for both of us
Claire: Your situation is a lot different since Wesker will probably still be alive but it's still a loss and you have people to help you through it this time instead of suffering alone
Claire: Don't hold yourself back from what your heart wants just because the future might be scary
Claire: Follow your heart and we'll all be here for you no matter what happens
Chris: I love you Claire-Bear
Claire: I love you too Big Puppy
I hadn't known what else to say because part of me agreed and was so thankful to have my feelings justified and accepted in some way but another part still wanted to argue that I shouldn't have these feelings and should continue to fight it. I felt guilty for loving Wesker after all he did but as many have said before 'the heart wants what the heart wants'. Maybe she was right and all my struggling was for nothing. Maybe I should just do what I wanted and deal with the consequences later.
… … …
Regardless of the late hour when I finally left my room again, it was to refill my coffee for what I told myself would be the last time. I knew I wasn't going to be sleeping at all tonight again anyway so why not? My mind was still buzzing with conflict and questions but at least now I had a strong lean in one direction… I just wasn't sure how to go about it. Maybe I would just continue to fight it until I couldn't anymore just to spite Wesker and show him that he didn't always get what he wanted… even if it was what I wanted too. Though time and time again I have been shown not to get what I wanted either. I wanted to be with Wesker back in STARS, never even confessed. I wanted to be in STARS for the rest of my life, it was destroyed only two years after being formed. I wanted all of my friends to get out of the mansion alive, only some of us survived. I wanted Claire to live a normal and happy life, she got sucked into the mess in Racoon City because I didn't tell her what was going on. I wanted to eradicate bioterrorism from the face of the Earth, there's a new world threatening crisis at every turn. As much as I loved the BSAA, I was sad that it was necessary to exist.
There was a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me of all the things I did get. I wanted Claire to be strong enough to take care of herself when I wasn't there to help her, my training got her through Racoon City and other outbreaks safely. I wanted the position in STARS regardless of my superior officer's warning that I couldn't follow orders, Wesker gave me the chance to prove myself and I did. I wanted Wesker to be alive somehow after I watched him die, he injected himself with some unknown virus that brought him back. I wanted to bring down Umbrella and with the dedication and skills of everyone that was a part of that effort, we did, even Wesker had been working towards that goal in the shadows. When Jill sacrificed herself for me I wanted both of them to be alive and okay… Wesker saved her life and brought her and himself back to me. I wanted to be with Wesker now and he was offering himself to me. Even if his heart wasn't in it, I knew it still meant something that he picked me because there was no way a man like him would give himself to just anyone. Even if he didn't love me… it still meant something to him- I meant something to him.
"Haven't you had enough?" I jumped in surprise at the sudden voice behind me, nearly dropping the creamer as I poured some into my coffee.
"I didn't hear you come out of your room." I grumbled more to myself as he approached to lean his hip casually on the counter next to me and fold his arms.
"I called your name but you didn't respond." he told me as his eyes studied my tired features.
"Oh… I guess I'm a bit distracted." I rubbed at my face with a sigh and finished making my coffee.
"Perhaps we should discuss it so you stop torturing yourself with stress over the situation." Wesker too heaved a sigh of defeat. "Despite what you may think, I do not wish to play any sort of mental game with you this time." he admitted and I looked to him with indifference. His saying so didn't make me feel any more at ease, he could be lying and this was just another move in his sick game. "Not all of my actions have complicated objectives. I'm not often a man prone to whimsical decisions but it does occasionally happen."
"So you decided you wanted me on a whim?" I asked though I knew it wasn't true.
"Well, no, it was something I put a lot of thought into actually." if I didn't know the blond better I'd say he was feeling a little insecure right now. He didn't fidget or blush but it was in the way he spoke, not as refined and maybe just a tiny bit rushed.
"Then why can't I overthink how much thought you put into it?" I asked calmly as I sipped my coffee and he looked at me with irritation.
"It's unproductive."
"So is your flirting." I said it before I thought about it and hated myself when my words gave Wesker pause. I didn't mean to say it, I didn't want to say it- it wasn't even true. His flirting was a little counter productive because while it did urge me closer to him, it also repelled me but it wasn't doing nothing. He had to know that… but still, I said it, even if I wasn't mean with the delivery.
"I'll back off if you really want me to." he promised with a serious expression that I had to turn away from. I didn't want him to, I'd at least decided that much. I liked the attention he gave me and I liked the touches, I didn't want them to stop. It's only when he wanted to take things further that I grew fearful and after thinking about it more, I think I found another big reason I was nervous about the idea.
"Caffeine blocks a neurotransmitter, uh, it tells your brain you're tired." I said as I looked to Wesker for the name of what I was talking about. He gave me an amused expression and I couldn't tell if he was glad that I changed the subject rather than tell him to leave me alone or if he was proud of me for talking science to him. Either way, he readily supplied the answer I waited on.
"Adenosine."
"Right." I nodded in approval with a snap of my fingers before pointing at him. "While it's out your body makes more dopamine which in turn makes you more focused and happier or whatever. Now I figure with all my overthinking and stress, I'm gonna be up probably all night again. So if I'm not going to be sleeping anyway, I don't care if my adenosine is blocked." I stopped to take a drink of my coffee for emphasis. "And I could use more dopamine to focus on my overthinking and a little sprinkle of good feelings to combat my stress." I smiled in mock cheer to showcase how effective my plan has been thus far. Wesker was smiling now and I couldn't help but chuckle at both of us. Me for being ridiculous and him for looking at me so sweetly in my ridiculousness.
"That's a good theory. Seeing as you've been testing it all day, what are the results?" he playfully questioned and I sighed as I stared into the brown liquid in my cup.
"Not as productive as I hoped."
"I'm reminded at times such as this that you are rather smart." Wesker chuckled with a shake of his head. At first I rolled my eyes at the implication that he usually viewed me as some kind of idiot. Then I fully digested what he had said and stared at him in awe. Not thinking anything of his comment, the blond gave me an odd look when he noticed my pause. Coming from him, that was saying something. I mean we both knew he would never place me anywhere near his level of intelligence and I took no offense from that because the man was a straight up genius. But for him to acknowledge in someone else- in me , a quality he highly valued… it meant a lot.
"Thank you." I gave him a soft smile. "That's a great compliment coming from you." still not seeing the importance of it, he shrugged.
"I've given you far better compliments." he stated softly like he wasn't sure if he wanted me to hear it or not. I continued to stare at him over the rim of my mug so he met my eye. Since I did hear it, he was facing my reaction.
"Like what?" I asked, trying to push down the giddy feeling crawling from my chest.
"It's…" his eyes strayed from mine and he frowned, moving to grab a water bottle from the fridge more for something to do than actually wanting it. "I don't think you want to hear it." he finished his thought with a disappointed tone. He didn't look at me as he uncapped the bottle and drank down about a third of its contents and I was glad for that because I was blushing, knowing it must venture into flirtatious territory if he felt he wasn't allowed to bring it up. But… I did want to hear it. I wanted to know what he thought about me and my body wanted to know what he thought of it. I slowly set my mug down and stood right next to him, carefully placing my hand over his on the countertop just as he was setting down his water bottle.
"Maybe I do." I whispered as I gazed into his fiery eyes, watching closely at the way his head tilted slightly to the side as he contemplated me. His eyes drifted around my face, taking in the heat in my cheeks before moving down to the hand purposefully placed on top of his. He could probably hear my heart beating fast though I tried to keep it under control. His inhuman eyes returned to meet mine and he was studying me like I was a puzzle he was seeing a new piece of. I knew I was sending mixed signals again but I was the one starting something so it's fine. There was something about the way he was looking at me that I liked and I was fine with admitting it. It wasn't angry or calculating or even lustful, it was just warm.
"Admitting you have always been my favorite isn't enough?" he whispered back and his breath was closer to me than it had been a moment ago. I shook my head to even my own surprise.
"I was your favorite 'little piggy', so what?" I shrugged one shoulder light heartedly with a grin and he chuckled.
"No." he corrected with a serious but warm look and I noticed the way his eyes flickered lower to my lips for just a second. "You are my favorite. STARS team member, BSAA enemy, human being, 'little piggy'- it doesn't matter." his hand subtly turned over under mine to intertwine our fingers and my breath caught in my throat. "You are my favorite." that… wasn't at all what I ever expected. I was his favorite… when he put it so clearly with all the implications intact… I was his favorite person on the whole planet regardless of what our existing or current relationship was, is, or ever will be. My entire chest ached with longing and hope. Did he know what he was doing to me? Did he even realize what he was implying- moreover, did he mean it? Did he actually have genuine feelings for me?
Without thinking and without knowing what I was doing, I closed the gap between us to kiss him. He accepted my lips warmly and with my free hand on his chest I could feel the flutter of his next inhale and the strong beating of his heart. His other hand moved to settle on my waist as mine now slid up his body to rest at the back of his neck, subtly pressing him closer to me. His lips worked against mine, soft and innocently. There wasn't a need for dominance or heat, this kiss served to establish something deeper that I knew I couldn't take back… and I didn't want to. I wanted Wesker but I wanted him in so many more ways than just sexually. The tenderness he put into this kiss… it almost seemed to suggest he wanted more with me too.
The kiss didn't intensify nor did it end abruptly, we simply parted as the kiss ended naturally. My eyes fluttered open hazily to see Wesker's orange eyes already staring down at me kindly. He took a long breath and smiled so warmly at me.
"Chris." he whispered soothingly to me with such a fond tone that I felt my heart stop. That was by far the best kiss I've ever had and as far as first kisses went I'm pretty sure it was something out of a romance novel. Was it real or was I dreaming… or dead? One thing I was sure of… was that it was too good to be true.
"I… I'm gonna go to bed." I muttered back to him in a whisper, not meeting his eye anymore. Even as I spoke my hand tightened around the neckline of his shirt because I didn't want to go- I didn't want this to end. Wesker sighed and rested his forehead against mine.
"You said you weren't running from me anymore Christopher." he reminded me with disappointment and irritation… and maybe even some sadness evident in his voice. I couldn't help but close my eyes and enjoy this closeness while it lasted because of course it wouldn't. He would either turn this into sex or he would leave… he would eventually lose interest either way.
"I'm not, really I'm not." I told him as I opened my eyes to look at him just as he did the same thing though he wore a skeptical expression, obviously not convinced. "I have decided but I don't want to just jump into this." Wesker smirked but said nothing so I continued with a slightly embarrassed sigh. "The truth is I've never actually been with another man and considering I'm starting with you of all people, I just need a little time to adjust to this new… arrangement."
"Not one?" the blond asked in surprise and I shook my head against his. "How many women have you bedded?" I blushed harder but didn't pull away from him.
"Plenty." I said a bit more defensively than I meant to.
"But no men?"
"No. I just didn't find the right guy I guess." I closed my eyes again when he started smirking that smug and superior taunt that I hated.
"Why Chris, are you implying I'm 'the right guy'?" his tone wasn't as condescending as I was expecting, he was just teasing me. I still felt my face get another degree hotter and finally moved my face away from his only to rest my forehead to his shoulder instead.
"There's just a lot of history which is another thing I'm sorta struggling with." as I spoke he took his hand from mine to snake both around my back and tug me that little bit closer so our bodies were touching comfortably. I hesitantly wrapped my arms around his neck, one arm hanging more to the side to leave room for my head. Wesker was actually embracing me in such a soft way I had only ever imagined and I was returning the gesture. I sighed in content though my heart had signed up for a race and I thought I felt another contender though it was hard to tell the pace of Wesker's heart over the thump of my own. He gave me a questioning hum that I understood as inquisitive. "You were my boss- a man I deeply respected and looked up to. You betrayed me, killed my friends, threatened my sister, and turned yourself into the very thing I want to destroy." I felt him nod slightly along with me. "You became the world's most wanted and I became the main man seeking to bring you down yet here I am playing out a friends to enemies to lovers story with you." we both chuckled at the last bit before Wesker readjusted so his head was resting over mine. We stayed like that for a long moment until he shifted again so his mouth was near my ear.
"You weren't the only one conflicted." he whispered to me like it was a secret. My brows furrowed in confusion and though I didn't want to ruin the moment, I pulled my head up to look directly at Wesker. His eyes followed mine as I searched him for the meaning of what he said. He was conflicted about being with me? But he seemed so sure of himself with even this stuff. Before I could ask, he moved one hand from my waist to gently cup my cheek. He moved slowly so I would have plenty of time to move away if I didn't want it but I did so I stayed still while he pressed his lips to mine again. It was lighter and shorter than the previous kiss we shared but it still set the butterflies in my stomach to full flutter. "Goodnight Chris." he said before letting me go and stepping away from me completely so we were no longer touching at all but he didn't leave. I knew what he was doing. He was giving me the chance to leave while also keeping himself available in case I changed my mind and decided to stay. I appreciated it but at the same time it would be easier if he would walk away first. I wanted to stay, I wanted to close the distance between us again and hold him, I wanted his arms around me in that comfortable embrace, and I wanted his lips on mine.
"Goodnight Wesker." and I walked away with the remainder of my coffee. Back to my room where I pretended to be calm like nothing had significantly changed… but it had. I set a strict line and I crossed it and now I couldn't go back over to the other safer side. I officially gave Albert Wesker my heart and I'm not sure he even understood that. I knew this would shred me to pieces too small to identify later but for now, I was okay with dealing with the consequences. I was happy even if I knew it wouldn't last.
Just as I was settling into bed with Wesker's newest letter 'STARS' I received a text from my best friend.
Jill: I'll be right here for you whatever happens
I knew she had seen the kiss and knew what I decided. I was filled with relief and gratitude that she was giving me her full support even though I already knew she would. She and Claire truly were the best things to ever exist in my life.
Chris: Thank you
~...~...~...~
Due to their growing scale, Umbrella's higher ups needed a way of managing their less notorious schemes. With more employees, facilities, and collaborations… well not all of their unsavory business could remain such a tight secret. So Umbrella funded a police unit built to be the company's fixers, their own private army to clean up whatever messes slipped through the cracks or threatened to expose them. I was assigned to this elite task force, insisting on holding a position of power both for my own personal deserving and to better handle any underhanded deeds needed for coverups. My record between my two existing careers more than allowed it so I was titled captain of the first of two teams and given superiority over the other captain. I was allowed to handpick each member of my team to ensure I had the very best- and pick I did. I aimed for a variety of skill sets and personalities, each a master in their own fields of expertise, and I personally oversaw their continued training.
I was the captain of the STARS Alpha team centered in the Racoon City Police Department. Truth be told I was rather thrilled. I was practically running my own military unit, allowed to do anything with both the slimy chief of police and the whole of Umbrella Corporation at my back. The possibilities were endless.
As predicted, the team grew together seamlessly and each member was more skilled both individually and as a unit with each passing mission. It was something of a wonder to watch them all grow to call one another family after becoming so close. Frankly I was a bit surprised no one ever suspected me of any suspicious actions as there were a few close coverups, though I played my role as their captain very well, they all had such faith in me. I suppose that was because I was genuine in my position. I always knew I would eventually play a role in their demise though there was no way to determine the when, where, how, or why. Regardless, I did want what was best for them. I wanted them to reach their full potential, I even put my own life on the line for them on multiple occasions. If it was their fate to die- even by my hand to serve my own agenda then so be it but until that time, they were my team and under my protection.
So I want to apologize for a few things.
First, this chapter feels very lazy to me- it was hard to get through (though I've had the ending of it written forever so that only needed some editing) and it wanted to go in a VERY different direction... I was going to keep t but it threw the pace of things so unfortunately I had to relocate most of what I had written. It wasn't scrapped though so don't fret, you'll see it in all its glory.
Second, Wesker's letter was DEFINITELY lazy- honestly I go into a lot of depth about how he put together STARS and his thoughts on it and whatnot in another Chrisker fic I've been working on (I do believe I've mentioned it before) so I didn't want to basically rewrite what I already had. I thought about taking it in a different direction but ultimately just cut it short. I think there's going to be one, maybe two, more timeline letters then we'll get back into the more... I don't know, story ones? I don't know what to call them.
And third, I feel like it's been forever since I've posted and I know a lot of you are telling me not to worry about it and that you can wait for a good chapter but that's not what gives me anxiety. Like I love you guys and yeah, I do aim to please, but if a chapter takes a while to come out then it does and anyone trying to rush me would get nothing but a snarky comment from me. What gives me anxiety is that I NEED to write especially in times that I feel like I don't have much control over what's happening in my life, it's like my lifeline so if I feel like I'm losing my grip on it I fall into depression and panic. I'm in such a situation right now where my life is dominated between college and work and I have to make time for my kids which means I don't have much or any time for anything else. What time I do have lately as been spent lazing around in bed doing nothing which I hate because I don't like feeling unproductive. If there's nothing I need to do, okay, I can be lazy. But there's tons I need to do so I can't just sit around so I hate that I have been. I had a cousin tell me it's because I'm pulling myself too thin and I know I am but I need to stay busy to stay sane... realitively. I will cut myself a little slack and say that I haven't been working as much on this not only because I haven't had time but also because I've been working on other things so I won't apologize for that. Maybe I'll even start posting those once I get at least a few chapters ahead.
Anyway I think there was a point to this but it derailed and turned into a rant... and I'll apologize for that too. A point I will now make however is that I appreciate everyone's positivity and encouragement, I feel I really don't deserve it but you guys are fantastic. I love talking to you guys about whatever but stop telling me it's okay to relax because I don't know what that is and I refuse to learn!
PS- I just wanted to say thanks to the 'Guest' on here who's been leaving so many awesome reviews, hearing your thoughts as you've been reading has been a delight.
