Trigger warning: PTSD, mention of self-harm, mention of sexual abuse, panic attacks, other traumas.
Izuku and Katsuki were both out of commission for a month as the exam took a toll on both of them. Izuku's body went beyond his limit to stop a giant robot from stepping and possibly killing a fellow student and his body ran out of both fuel and oxygen. Katsuki overused his arms again after blasting to the finish line against his new friend Natsu, and he was once again on suppression. At least it should be a month, no more, no less.
However, sitting around doing nothing but watching TV and being unable to go anywhere was starting to affect the verdanette, as well as the needy feeling of contact. Izuku tried to keep it hidden or lean close to his brother or Mitsuki during the last two weeks, but now it wasn't enough anymore.
He needed to feel something more personal.
It sickens Izuku that he wants something more than just skin contact, but the wanting and the stress of waiting to be accepted into UA with no other way of destressing was too much. This is also the kind of thing he is afraid to tell his family, afraid that they will be sickened by him, and that raised his anxiety several more notches.
He blames himself for this.
If he had said anything sooner, he may have been saved from the torture. But then again, it was his fault that his Quirk manifested late, his fault that he disappointed his mother, his fault that he was considered Quirkless. All that he was good for during that was being someone's fucktoy.
Though deep in his heart he knows this is not his fault, depression grips you like tar and it is hard to wash clean. There in the back of his mind, he still believes that he should have disappeared.
Izuku nearly did though. A month after he finally moved in with the Bakugous he was so stressed for some reason and he had been plagued by nightmares involving a cloaked figure and a chessboard that it started to affect him. It got to the point where he was going to rebound. He almost did too, if his brother hadn't caught him in the bathroom with a kitchen knife.
Katsuki suddenly grabbed his left hand where the blade was in and yanked up before he was able to touch his skin on the sharp side, forced it out of his grip, and threw it across the floor. At first, the verdanette thought he was going to get yelled at and flinched hard, expecting a beat down.
But he didn't.
The blonde still held his wrist firmly, but it was not tight. It was shaking. Izuku knows he shakes a lot when he has a hard time showing his other emotions but this was different. He was also sweating and hyperventilating, unable to speak which was another indication that something was wrong. He usually yells his head off.
So when Izuku looked up and locked eyes with the red he knew he had hurt his brother. Tears were flowing hard down his face, and he was struggling hard to keep his composure but he was terrified. Terrified that Izuku tried to draw blood on himself, terrified that he would lose his brother by a blade.
He couldn't break Katsuki like that, that look clenched his heart and he apologized. Crying in his brother's arms, feeling the security he has on the verdanette, he eventually told Katsuki what he was planning to do and why he was doing this.
Katsuki held him tighter and told him he understood. His past cannot be forgotten easily, and the sensations and flashbacks make it even harder. He had to tell Izuku to come straight to him or maybe Eevee or someone he trusts before that thought happens again. He did not want to see Izuku die again under his watch or anywhere.
He has to tell Katsuki at least, he owes his brother at least that much. At least Momma Mitsuki and Poppa Masaru are out shopping for a few hours.
It still doesn't make things fucking easier!
Izuku punched his pillow furiously as the butterflies in his stomach jumped to crickets and felt a panic attack forming, breathing heavily as the tears were starting to fall, and bit his lower lip to prevent himself from screaming his head off. Why is it so hard for him to tell his family? Why can't he trust them? Every time I try something negative will pop in his head and is forced to back down in fear.
He still promised Katsuki, and Izuku was sure he knew something was up. The blonde's eyes were watching him like a hawk for the last week, and he knew he was scaring his brother for not saying anything, fearing that Izuku might do something stupid again. Like that bla-
Izuku's heart skipped several beats and his flames burned red as a knock was heard on his bedroom door, staring at it like a deer to headlights.
*Huff* "C-Come in!" Izuku squeaked and slightly calmed down when he saw his brother opening his door. The blonde was looking at him with a slight look of concern, especially at the state that he is in now.
"Hey, you ok? I heard some heavy breathing." Katsuki asked and noticed Izuku tense a bit. He knew it, he was on the verge of a panic attack.
Izuku scrambled to the corner of his bed, his back leaning against the wall, and wrapped his arms around him. "I-I'm fine, I-I just had a nightmare again." The verdanette replied and instinctively looked down, hoping that Katsuki won't call his bluff.
Fat chance.
Katsuki just sighed, his brother's shaking was so pronounced that he could tell this was no nightmare.
"Izuku, what are you feeling? I need you to tell me, I can tell it is bothering you." He slowly walked towards the verdanette and stopped when he could see Izuku became wary. "We aren't going to hurt you, you know that. I know it's hard but me, the Hag, Pops, we are here for you, and seeing you hurting like this…" Katsuki swallowed as he started to get emotional, he hated this feeling but he needs to be honest. "It hurts me too."
"God dammit," Izuku said finally after a few moments and tears started to fall again. "I know you guys are patient with me, and I do appreciate the support Kacchan, but trusting y'all with my personal secrets…I am used to keeping them hidden."
"I understand, you aren't the only one who keeps personal life personal. Not everyone has the same outlet. I blow shit up, maybe we may be able to find something that helps you, but for now I need you to tell me what has you upset." Katsuki urged again, and his brother looked away and withdrew some more. Not good, but he will not press again, last time he did that it did not go well.
"I feel so dirty…"
Katsuki blinked and cursed internally, fearing that he was rebounding again. He needs to be patient though, he can't go to conclusions, let Izuku release his frustration.
"Even after everything that has been done to me, why do I feel like I need to feel?" Izuku cringed as flashbacks came to his mind hard. "I have been raped for 2 years, yet I still want to feel the orgasm!" He then looked at Katsuki and saw his look soften, urging him to continue. "But I can't because of that hell! Every time I try, I get flashbacks! The pain, the torture, yet it also felt good at the end…Am I a freak, Kacchan!? Am I just a whore!? I can't help but feel so tainted!"
Kacchan went forward and got on Izuku's bed and gave a tap to let the verdanette know that he was there. It was a silent gesture the two have, and instinctively Izuku went over to his brother. The scent and the aura gave Izuku comfort and a sense of protection. Even back then, when he was beaten at school by him he still sensed the protection around him, and that is what allowed Izuku to survive, to keep on living. He started to calm down, embracing the heat and warmth only Katsuki can give.
"You aren't, Izuku. I know life did not give you any roses and I sure as hell was no fucking angel to you either. You aren't tainted, you aren't a whore or any of that. You are someone who is kind who did not deserve any of that shit," Katsuki replied, his heart tightening as he could see the pain his brother is going through. "That is why you are with us, you know the Hag, she nearly killed the fat whale. We will do anything to break into hell and get you out. Murder charge if need be. I know it will take time to heal, and we will be here when you are ready."
Izuku chuckled and thanked his brother for the support. He was right, things can't just disappear right away and it will take time to adjust…to trust. Izuku already trusts the Bakugou's with his life, but his soul…as damaged as it is, cannot heal overnight. "I'm tired, Kacchan…" He said finally, the adrenaline was fading like a sugar crash. "Please stay."
Katsuki nodded and they both laid together, Izuku still in his arms even after the verdanette fell into a deep and dreamless sleep. He lightly grazed his green locks. Don't forget, Izuku. We will be here for you, and we won't let anyone hurt you like that again.
