MAKE UP YOUR MIND
Chapter Four
"Harry!" Harry stopped in the middle of the busy corridor and turned to look who was calling for him. He watched as Seamus struggled with the flow of students that seemed to be heading the opposite direction so that when he finally made it to Harry's side he was quite winded. Harry smiled,
"Everything alright, Shey?" The young Irishman nodded, holding his side and trying to catch his breath,
"I'm so glad I caught you," He smiled brightly, "I wanted to make sure you're coming to our party tonight."
"Oh gods, that's tonight?" Harry sincerely tried to sound miserable, hoping that Seamus will give him a pass on this one. Out of all the people surrounding him, Seamus was one of those who knew best how much he disliked being paraded as a trophy and parties were pretty high on his list of aversions. It didn't really matter that Seamus' been talking non-stop about this party and as a result most of the eight-year students were practically counting the minutes till the weekend arrived. Seamus fixed his friend with a disapproving glare,
"Harry, we've been through this, it's just a little get together in mine and Draco's room for us eights to celebrate the start of our last and most definitely final year in this place!"
"I don't know," Harry said cagily, feeling the onset of a small panic attack building up, "I have homework and stuff." Seamus gave him an unimpressed look and smiled devilishly,
"Hermione is coming." Harry sighed, damn it! That was his best argument! And bloody Seamus knew it, by the smile on his face. "Look, it's just us eights, I promise, no mini fans to come and ogle you, we'll just have a couple of drinks, talk and have fun."
"Will there be any weed?" Seamus' expression turned sour, a pout forming on his lips,
"No... Dean and Neville thought it'll be too 'risky for our growing efforts if too many people knew what we're doing'." Seamus rolled his eyes exasperatedly, clearly not in agreement with his co-conspirators, "Don't worry; you'll be safe from the Devil's herb, OK?" Harry rolled his eyes, but couldn't help the snort of laughter,
"Alright, fine, I'll be there." He finally conceded and Seamus actually squealed happily, before hugging Harry tightly and continuing on his way, this time going along with the flow. Harry stood in the corridor, his body still tingling from the hug, though he tried to tell himself that it was because Seamus squeezed too hard. It was strange how he was suddenly so aware of Seamus' proximity. Was it because things with Ginny were going south? Wait, what the hell was he thinking? Even if things were going to end with Ginny soon, it wasn't like Seamus was a viable replacement! Harry took a deep breath and shook his head to clear it, this was ridiculous and he'll just have to tell Seamus to stop hugging so hard. With that in mind he pulled himself together and continued his way towards the Great Hall for lunch.
That evening Harry met with Hermione, Parvati, Neville and Dean and together they made their way up to Seamus and Draco's room which happened to be the topmost in the tower. Harry was still feeling a little apprehensive about the party but Hermione assured him that none of them is going to drink or do anything before they make sure it was a safe zone for him. Harry appreciated the offer but he really didn't want his friends to miss out on any sort of fun on his account. After all, if push comes to shove he could always leave. He knew that this was silly, Seamus promised it was only going to be eight years there and Harry wanted to trust him so bad, because he was getting along fine with the rest of his year and he actually liked hanging out in the common room, so why was he so nervous now?
When the door opened Harry stepped into the room and gasped in astonishment- while he and Michael barely had time to hang up one Quidditch poster on the wall, Seamus and Draco had been quite busy it seemed. Every inch of the walls was covered with glossy magazine pictures, some magically moving and some muggle stationary, the ceiling was covered in an intricate web of artificial fairy lights, twinkling and changing colors constantly. Even the beds were transformed with the aid of colorful scarves wrapped around the four posters of each one. The whole place looked so...
"Gay!" Dean said loudly, "Bloody hell, Shey, I didn't think you could get any gayer than you were but putting you together with a poof like Malfoy and it looks like you've skinned a bunch of drag queens to make this room!" Seamus beamed at his best friend's critique. He loved the effect his room was having on them- true; it was a tad over the top, even for him but that was the whole point! And besides, after tonight, some of it will go away.
"Seamus, don't be rude, invite your heathen friends in." Draco said from behind Seamus' back, giving the bunch of Gryffindors one of his patented Malfoy smirks. "I see Weasley didn't come," He observed neutrally, though his voice held a sharp note. The Gryffindors shrugged,
"He said he's got too much work to do." Dean supplied, not really caring what Ron's reasons were, he just wanted some firewhiskey after the week they've had. First week of school was always a bitch! Besides, Ron's absence was his loss, not Dean's!
"Work, is that what we call homophobia these days?" Draco mused almost to himself and while Harry cringed a little, Hermione simply rolled her eyes.
"Draco, play nice." Seamus warned, before Hermione gave the blond a sweet smile,
"Oh, Ron isn't a homophobe, he just doesn't like you." Draco narrowed his eyes at her, about to give her a piece of his mind when Dean piped,
"Yeah, he's a Dracophobe." The rest of the Gryffindors sniggered, while Draco crossed his arms over his chest,
"A Malphobe!" Neville cried happily and the rest cheered in assent- a Malphobe was definitely right, and something quite a lot of people seemed to suffer from over the years.
"That's why I hate Gryffindors!" Draco muttered darkly as a laughing Seamus ushered his preening friends into the room. Harry was contemplating offering the Slytherin an apology when he saw Draco averting his eyes and biting his lip to hide a smile. It was quite amazing how much the blond had changed and to be honest, Harry was quite pleased. He was just about ready to head to the drinks table with his friends when Seamus caught his arm and pulled him aside,
"Are you OK? Is that too many people? I'm pretty sure this is the final tally, you guys are actually kinda late." He said in a rush, as if to try and get it all out before Harry bolted. Harry smiled and placed his hand on Seamus' arm,
"Don't worry, I took my potions, I'll be right." Seamus looked almost offended at that,
"I told you it was just going to be us." He chided Harry gently, "Anyway, let's get you a drink." Harry's face darkened,
"Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea, these potions apparently don't work too well with alcohol…" He shrugged apologetically. If it was a choice between not feeling panicked beyond his wits or not drinking then he'll never drink again- he was a lousy drinker anyway, and he didn't even like beer, though that was one secret he'll probably take to the grave with him. Seamus looked crestfallen for a moment before he brightened up,
"Butterbeer it is!" He cried triumphantly, "There's hardly any alcohol in that- they give the bloody stuff to children!" He finished his argument and Harry smiled, Butterbeer it was.
By the time they joined their peers everyone was already hard at work on their second drink, at least, and the room was full of laughter and music and the clinking of bottles and glasses.
Harry smiled benevolently to the room at large, feeling quite good. It was a party, and people were having fun, and no one was even looking at him. It was perfect. He was standing between Hermione and Seamus and taking small sips of his drink, letting the creamy beverage slide down his throat, gods he loved butterbeer!
"Let's play a game!" Everyone turned to look at Pansy, who was swaying slightly on her feet, holding a bottle and grinning wide, "Let's play 'Never have I ever never ever...'" She screwed her eyebrows in concentration for a few seconds, the whole room watching avidly, before her face brightened up, "Ever!" She declared happily and beamed at everyone,
"How can she be drunk already?" Hermione wondered, and looked at her own bottle, feeling like she's been bereft of the good stuff, "We only got here like five minutes ago." On Harry's other side Seamus snorted,
"She showed up here two hours ago, to 'Help set up the party'," He told them with an impressive roll of his eyes. Harry looked at the grinning Pansy, it must be so nice- letting go of control like that. He'd spent so long working on always being in control, especially after what happened to Sirius that he wasn't sure he could ever let go again, in fact, the mere thought of letting go was making him feel agitated.
"How about we play 'Spin the bottle'?" Draco cried from the other side of the room, and the rest of the teens cheered in agreement, spinning the bottle was easy, it didn't require much thinking which by now pretty much everyone was way beyond anyway. The teens hurried to arrange themselves in a big circle on the floor in the middle of the room. Harry had no intention joining them- these sort of games were never his forte, besides everyone was drunk enough not to care who they kissed or who kissed them but he wasn't.
"Come on, guys, it'll be fun." Seamus cajoled both Harry and Hermione who were the last ones standing. Hermione rolled her eyes and pulled Harry to sit next to her before she fixed Draco, who was just sitting down opposite her with an empty bottle, with a playful glare,
"I'll play as long as Draco doesn't rig the bottle to point only at boys." She said sweetly and Draco let out an indignant cry, complete with a dramatic hand on his heart,
"Oh, you'd be so lucky to get your hands on this!" He cried and gestured all over himself and the whole room exploded with laughter. Draco pointedly passed the bottle to Blaise who was sitting to his right to spin first, his eyes fixed on Hermione with a hurt look no one bought. Soon the game was underway and everyone was either cheering the drunken kisses on or booing if they thought they were too chaste. Harry soon lost interest in the game and just sat there, fiddling with the label of his butterbeer and silently praying the bottle wouldn't land on him.
"So, Harry, are you excited about the upcoming Quidditch season?" Seamus asked as he leaned closer to Harry so he'd be heard over the crowd, "You're going to be captain, right?" Harry's shoulders sunk a little. He knew Seamus meant well, and that he was only asking this for the sake of conversation- or at least he thought he did, unless he actually... cared... but the point was, he was kind of hoping to slide this one under the radar, for as long as he could,
"Actually... no." He said slowly, noting that this caught not only Seamus' attention but Hermione's as well. "I'm not on the team this year."
"Since when?" Hermione asked curiously, and Harry shrugged,
"Since I told Madame Hooch I wasn't interested in playing this year." Both his friends gasped in astonishment, this was a piece of news they did not expect. The entire house of Gryffindor was pretty much secured in the knowledge they were going to take this year's cup, simply because they had Harry as their seeker. Some of them even joked they could skip putting a team altogether and just send Harry over to win the game for them.
"Why won't you play?" Hermione asked softly, trying to keep the judgment from her voice. She was never that much of a Quidditch fan but even she knew how important Quidditch was to Harry.
"I decided I want a stress-free year." He said with a shrug, hoping beyond hope this will satisfy his friends, "All I'm going to do this year is keep my head down and study." He glanced both sides to see the reactions to his declaration, but to his dismay both his friends looked pensive rather than supporting,
"I don't know..." Hermione mused, looking at Harry with a calculating gaze and Harry wanted to roll his eyes,
"Seriously? Did you hear what I just said?" He asked incredulously, "I said I wanted to study!" He emphasized the last word to make sure she heard him correctly,
"Oh, I heard you, it's just too ridiculous to take seriously," She told him with a bright smile and Harry did roll his eyes, trying to ignore Seamus giggling on his other side. "I'm just worried you're giving up too much all at once,"
"What do you mean?" On Harry's right, Seamus laid a soft hand on his knee,
"She means you shouldn't stop doing all the things you like, and we all know how much you love Quidditch." Harry sighed, and ran a hand through his hair, but before he could say something Hermione interjected and Harry was starting to feel a lot like this was some sort of rehearsed intervention and he briefly wondered if Seamus organized this party for this specific reason,
"Harry, you've always enjoyed flying and playing Quidditch, and a part of you will always be an adrenaline junkie." She said with a soft smile, before exchanging a glance with Seamus over Harry's head, "We just think you should leave yourself something. If you give it all up, you'll..."
"Go mental." Seamus supplied helpfully and Hermione shot him a glare,
"Get bored!" She said firmly. Harry sighed, he knew they were right, and everything they've said were the things he told himself so many times but the crux of it all was rather simple,
"I just... I hate people." Harry confessed lowly, keeping his eyes firmly on the floor and missing the look Hermione and Seamus shared above his head,
"All of us?" Seamus asked, his voice sounding a little insecure and Harry smiled, shaking his head softly,
"No... I mean, I can't go out there and be the hero again, I just want some peace and quiet, I want to finish my last year and leave this place and start living my life." He explained. Both Hermione and Seamus exchanged another glance, it wasn't that they didn't understand the reasoning behind Harry's decision, it was just that they weren't sure he was thinking this through- after all, Quidditch had been such a big part of Harry's life so far, sometimes the only thing that kept him going when things got tough, giving it up like that was bound to have repercussions. "Look guys, I can still go flying, no one is going to stop me from doing that, and it won't be too hard finding enough people for a friendly game of Quidditch every now and then, but let's face it- I love playing, that's true, but I really don't miss the crowds and, you know, the whole thing around the official games." He looked both ways at his friends who, he was glad to note were both bereft of words. His satisfaction was short lived, though, when he saw Pansy crawling on her hands and knees purposefully towards him. Looks like his luck had just ran out. Harry gulped as the intoxicated girl leaned into his personal space,
"Hello Hero..." She purred and Harry tried to discreetly avert his face because her breath was so alcoholic it was making his head spin, "I've always wanted to kiss a hero, I bet you can do a whole lot more with that tongue than just the killing curse." To Harry's utter horror she actually wriggled her tongue at him, clearly trying to be seductive and Harry just knew everyone around him was falling over themselves laughing, but Merlin he was scared!
"Pansy!" His salvation came in the shape of a sharp cry from Draco, and when Pansy finally turned away from him, and looked at her friend he let out a tiny sigh of relief. Draco glared at the drunk girl and pointed meaningfully at Seamus. Everyone in the room sighed a collective disappointed sigh, true, the bottle did point at Seamus, and yes it was quite an achievement for Pansy in her current state that she was actually headed in the right direction but the look on Harry's face was just so comical it was really hard not to want to see this play out in full. Pansy's shoulders slumped a little before she turned back to Harry, this time crawling over to kneel in front of Seamus, who looked bemused more than anything,
"Alright, gay boy, let's see what you're made of!" She challenged as she approached Seamus, practically climbing into his lap,
"Oh, I can tell you right now," He babbled cheerfully, though Harry thought he could detect slight underlying fear in his tone, "It's mostly water and glitter..." Before he could add something else she pounced on him, the force of her movement sending them both flying to the floor as Pansy wasted no time in snogging the daylight out of Seamus. On his part Seamus was letting out little squeaks that Harry was pretty sure were meant to be a cry for help but after his own encounter with Pansy he was not going to draw her attention back to him anytime soon! The entire room around them was exploding with applause and laughter and even Harry couldn't help joining in.
When Pansy surfaced for air, she pulled back and smacked her lips in satisfaction, giving Harry a little wink as she turned around and crawled back to her seat, giving Harry and Seamus a full view of her extremely short skirt, which in this position hid practically nothing. Harry quickly averted his eyes and busied himself with helping Seamus up. The Irish boy was a little shaky, looking pale and slightly disoriented. Harry wasn't sure how much of it was an act and how much was real but he could definitely appreciate the sentiment, though he was mightily glad it was Seamus who took the fall and not him. Hermione handed Seamus the bottle with a smile she couldn't quite hide and he spun it. The bottle landed on Draco who smirked at the trio in front of him and Hermione rolled her eyes,
"I knew you rigged it!" She cried triumphantly, pointing her finger at Draco. Next to Harry, Seamus was getting to his knees,
"Nope," He said with a small shudder, "That was me!" The whole room exploded with laughter as Seamus crawled his way across the circle and came to a stop in front of Draco. Before he plunged in Seamus looked over at where Pansy was sitting and gave her a happy wriggle of his eyebrows, only to be answered by a two fingers salute from the Slytherin girl. Draco grabbed Seamus' shirt and pulled his towards him, sealing their lips together in a quite passionate kiss that dragged quite a few cat-calls and wolf-whistles from their friends.
Harry looked at the two boys kissing in front of him and felt his entire head going up in flames, he did not need to see this! From the way Seamus and Draco were moving it was clear it wasn't the first time they've done this sort of thing and for some reason it made Harry's blood boil. He stood abruptly, not entirely registering what he was doing, and Hermione, who was clearly enjoying the free show started,
"Harry, are you OK?" Harry looked down at his friend and realized a few others were now looking at him oddly. He swallowed hard, feeling like a complete prat all of a sudden,
"Yeah, just tired, I think I'll just... yeah." He said vaguely as he made his way to the door, hoping to avoid any more of what started to look like a very public make-out session, if the place Draco's hand was going was any indication. The sound of the door slamming shut caused Draco and Seamus to pull apart and Seamus looked over to where Harry was seated only to be met with Hermione's confused shrug.
Harry stormed down the stairs, slamming the door to his room behind his back. He was pacing the length of his room back and forth, feeling quite agitated. What the hell was that? And more importantly, why the hell did he care? An awful thought crossed his mind and he stopped dead on his tracks, slumping down into what he thought was the chair but turned out to be the cold stone floor with a heavy thud. What if what bothered him in seeing Seamus and Draco kiss was the fact they were both male? What if... what if uncle Vernon and aunt Petunia were right and this was a disgusting sin? For years he's been telling himself he was nothing like the Dursley's, that he would never share their world views and what was right or wrong, and here he was, a bloody homophobe, just like them!
Harry wasn't sure if he was about to burst into tears or into a mad laughter, sitting alone in his room on the cold floor and hating himself so much. No! No! He was better than this! This was just what they wanted, to break him, make him into a pathetic little shit who couldn't even form his own opinions. But no, he was not going to give the Dursley's the satisfaction! Pulling himself off the floor Harry took a deep breath, he was going to think this through, logically, and he wasn't going to let those horrible people into his head, not now and not ever!
Walking over to the closet Harry pulled out a pair of pyjamas and started dressing himself mechanically, getting ready for bed, and going through the motions with his head still buzzing. He tried to put the facts together, make sense of them- so yes, he did not like seeing Seamus and Draco kissing, not one bit, and it was far worse than watching Pansy trying to suck Seamus' soul out through his teeth, which was terrifying, but on a completely different level. Perhaps he didn't care much for Pansy and Seamus kissing because it was clear Seamus wasn't enjoying it much, while his kiss with Draco was downright pornographic.
Harry shook his head to clear it of the disturbing image. OK, so he didn't want to see Seamus and Draco kissing, but then again, when he really thought about it- when Dean spun the bottle and it landed on Hannah it was just as bad, maybe even worse because it was clear that if there weren't people around those two were not going to stop there, and even though they were an official couple it was still a little too much. Harry stopped brushing his teeth mid stroke and looked at himself in the small mirror above the sink. He wasn't a homophobe! It wasn't the fact that Seamus and Draco were gay that was bothering him, it was the general idea of public kissing! Or maybe just seeing his friends kissing... Either way, he wasn't a homophobe, he was just a prude! Harry let the air out of his lungs in a long sigh of relief, a prude, he could live with that. Spitting and rinsing quickly he gave himself one last look in the mirror, giving his reflection a half smile before he climbed into bed, and closed his eyes, completely satisfied with this new found self-knowledge.
A soft hand was caressing his shoulder, first it was a feather light touch, but then the hand became more persistent and eventually Harry was left with no choice but to turn onto his back. He moaned softly, not bothering to open his eyes and was answered by a soft chuckle. Lips, soft as velvet, were peppering his skin with little kisses, along his jaw line and down his neck. Harry sighed in bliss, this felt so good. The hand returned, fingers running delicately over his abdomen, mapping every muscle and curve, causing Harry to arch a little into the touch every time they found a sensitive spot. When the hand reached down to his naval it stopped to circle it a couple of times, the fingers sifting through the sparse hair that was leading downwards from his bellybutton and Harry let out a soft gasp, arching once more to encourage the hand to go lower. His mystery lover chuckled again, voice deep with want and suddenly the hand was gone. Harry keened in disappointment, but his torture was short lived as he felt those sinful fingers close around his half-hard cock, slick with oil.
The hand was moving slowly, languidly, as if his lover was planning on prolonging this experience as much as possible. Harry wanted to buck into the hand, make it go faster but his lover's other hand stilled his thighs with a surprisingly strong grip. Slowly but surely the pace of the hand on his cock increased and Harry found himself writhing, his right hand tightening around the sheets while his left hand was scrambling to get hold of his lover.
His hand closed on a hard bicep and Harry could feel the muscles under the smooth skin flexing as his lover sped up, the hand now moving the entire length of his shaft in long, even strokes that were only broken occasionally by a thumb pressing lightly to Harry's slit, causing the dark-haired man to buck up every time it did. A vague thought crossed Harry's mind that it was so nice that his lover knew exactly what he liked, but that thought was soon drowned in a sea of white as the world exploded behind his closed lids and he came hard into the hand that was still stoking him. It took Harry a couple of moments to recover, descending slowly from his orgasmic high, while his lover pressed against his side, making Harry's sweaty skin stick to theirs and even that was a turn on.
"Shh, relax babe, let me take care of you." The soft voice in his ear was familiar, husky and low and Harry frowned a little, trying to place it, but his brain was foggy with the pleasure he just received and the only thing that registered in his brain was that his lover's voice was definitely a male's.
Harry woke up with a start, sitting straight in his bed and gasping for air. What the fuck!? Looking down at his lap he realized to his utter shame and horror that he was covered in come, as was his right hand. Harry quickly reached for the wand under his pillow and spelled the mess away, as if the evidence of a wet dream was something incriminating. True, it's been a while since he had one of those, what with being too busy with the war and having a girlfriend... Oh, gods, Harry slumped back into the mattress, he had a girlfriend- and her name was Ginny and she was definitely a girl! And here he was, getting a dream hand job, which admittedly was one of the best dream hand jobs he's ever received, from a... from a... Harry took a deep breath and released it slowly, this will not do!
Reaching over with slightly shaky hands he pulled his bedside drawer open and rummaged through the potions there, before he found what he was looking for. Looking at the dreamless potion in his hand Harry contemplated whether or not to take some, but just then Michael turned over in his bed, letting out a soft sleepy moan and Harry's cheeks flushed anew when he could practically hear his dream lover moaning in his ear again. With shaky fingers Harry pulled the stopper from the vial and let three drops of vile-tasting potion hit his tongue.
