A/N: Okay this one takes the prize at 8800+ words! Longest chapter so far, and I re-wrote it twice because both times I wasn't content with the chapter.

MORE IMPORTANT AN: I know there were a lot of mixed feelings about Edward in the last chapter – and a lot of really blunt anger with him – and that's okay! Stress and trauma impact people (and, I guess, vampires) differently. For many, dissociating and distance are coping mechanisms. For some, focusing on what you can control – keeping Bella safe, hunting her attacker, etc – seem like the only logical actions to take. Granted, it's not beneficial for Edward or Bella, but it's somewhat realistic. No one knows how they'll react to trauma until they're in a traumatic situation and no one truly knows how to deal with trauma, especially when it comes to a personal experience or someone close to you. That being said, I hope y'all stick around to watch Edward and Bella navigate these traumatic times.

Trigger warning: memories of SA, panic attacks, injuries from SA

Chapter 12 – La Push (BPOV)

"Focus, Bella. . . perfectly safe. . . In and out. . . Out. . ."

The panic is slamming in my chest, pressing against my heart and lungs. The air seems much too thick for me to try to swallow, and yet, I feel myself gasping for it anyway.

I hang onto soft words uttered to me.

"In . . . you're okay. . . Good. . ."

The voice carries in and out. Sometimes I can hear it over the pounding of my heart in my ears, and other times I can't. I want to hear the voice. It's comforting – it's home.

I want to claw at my ears – make the pounding stop. But my hands are clawing at my chest, trying to dispel the weight so I can breathe.

God, I can't breathe.

Everything hurts. Everything is going wrong.

I want to scream for Carlisle.

I'm dying, I want to tell him. Save me. Please save me. Make it stop hurting. I can't breathe.

But the idea of Carlisle coming to my aid – whisking me to his office and subjecting me to his medical tests and procedures – makes my chest tighten more. I didn't want any of that. I wanted to breathe, I wanted to live, but I didn't want that. I wasn't suicidal. Carlisle may have implied I was – or maybe he implied I didn't want to get better. Regardless, I wanted to breathe.

Why did this happen to me? Why me?

I squeeze my eyes shut, blocking out the soft light that seemed too sharp for my brain to process.

I know why.

Ghostly fingers grasp my wrist, tightening until it feels like they're around my neck. Squeezing until my bones give in.

I know it's not real. I know they're memories haunting my skin, making my hip sting and my ribs scream. But they knock the air and sanity right out of me anyway.

"Listen to my voice. . . You're safe. . . In and out. . ."

I don't even know who is talking to me, but I want to find comfort in their words. But they're not helping me. I can't breathe, and they don't seem to comprehend that.

I want to tell them I can't breathe, but my thoughts fill with Carlisle's office. An IV for sure. My fingers prickle along my skin, touching my casted hand. Why didn't Carlisle understand my need to fight back? Why did he continue to ask me to sit still while I was prodded and poked by his instruments?

My ears are pounding with every beat of my heart. I scream, hating the claustrophobic feeling the sound pushes me into.

"Open your eyes."

I can't. I'm not even sure I can control my eyes, except to squeeze them as tight as they can go. Someone is saying my name again and I just want them to stop. I want them to leave me alone in this. Let me struggle and die alone.

My chest hurts and I can only imagine this is what it feels like to have a heart attack. Carlisle should probably come and check on me, make sure I'm not dying now. Make sure my heart hasn't decided to just give up on my whole body.

I'm freezing, shivering, but that barely seems like a priority when I can't even breathe.

"Slow your breathing, honey. It's okay. You're okay."

There's little pointing in slowing my breathing when I'm going to die anyway. Maybe I'm just going insane. People went insane all the time. Now it was my turn.

The voice is talking still and all I want to do it beg for it to be quiet. I don't want to hear voices. I don't want to go insane.

I try to open my eyes, a difficult feat with my focus so concentrated on trying not to die. My chest seems to be getting smaller, preventing me from breathing at all.

"It's okay."

It's not okay. It's not okay. It's not okay.

It's a mantra in my head, my mind blinking over all the dreams I've had, the eerie emptiness of the house when everyone is gone hunting scents and chasing death.

It's not okay. None of it is okay.

It's not okay that I've left Charlie on his own. It's not okay that Jasper and Emmett are risking their lives for me. It's not okay that Esme frets over me. It's not okay that Alice sits in a still ball of stress all day. It's not okay that Rosalie hates me more now than she did before. It's not okay that Carlisle quit his job to take care of me. It's not okay that Jacob hasn't come to see me. It's not okay that I'm lying to Renee. It's not okay that Edward isn't here. It's not okay that I can't breathe.

I'm not okay.

My eyes open, but I can't see anything but splotches of black and red and I want to reach out and check if my eyes are open at all, but I can't seem to figure out where my hands are.

I'm biting my lip again, trying so desperately not to cry. It might already be a wasted effort – I can't tell if it's sweat pouring into my eyes or tears.

"Bells. Take deep breaths. You can do this. Open your eyes, look at me."

I claw at my eyes until someone drags my hands away. My eyes were open. I just couldn't see anything. I didn't know if I had ever even closed them. I can't take deep breaths. My chest is not big enough, my lungs not capable enough, the air is not thin enough. There's hardly any air to begin with.

The person should really stop talking, conserve what little air we do have. I should really stop gasping. I'm wasting previous air with my ineffective breathing.

"You're going to be just fine. . . Good girl. You have to let your breaths out. Look at me, Bella."

This time, when I open my eyes, it's Alice sitting in front of me instead of the black and red splotches. She's on the floor, leaning towards me, her hand held out in front of her. I stare at it strangely, before realizing she means for me to take it.

"Just breathe. You're doing better, good job." Alice tells me, offering me a small smile. Her eyes are jet black in the strange light of the overcast day.

"Good. Keep breathing. Don't hold your breath." Alice is instructing gently. Her eyes are dark, but soft. She smiles encouragingly, nodding with pride. "You're doing so well, Bella."

I realize that the more I focus on Alice – on my best friend – the more air can manage into my lungs. The more my chest begins to loosen.

"I'm sorry." I mumble pathetically, my voice breaking under my stress and anxiety.

"You have no reason to apologize." I almost don't recognize Edward's voice coming from the corner of the room. My eyes float to the corner, checking to make sure it is him. His voice is different – not as cold and distant as it usually is. His posture is, too. He's standing with his shoulders slumped and his hand in his pockets. It's not his usual pose of stubborn fury or frustration. He looks helpless.

I drop my eyes from Edward, turning back to Alice. Her expression had changed, and she's shifted away from me in a way that makes my breaths shudder a little more as I expel them.

I can feel humiliation seeping through me at the number of people who are witness to my weakness and who can so easily have private conversations in front of me without my knowing. Alice and Edward are masters at their intimately invisible discussions.

"That one was shorter than other panic attacks." Alice adds, her voice cheery despite her physical distance.

I unclench my fits from the thick sweater wrapped around my shoulders. I can't decide if I'm cold or hot right now – I'm sweating furiously, but shivers are racking my body mercilessly.

"They're all the same to me." I mumble, my voice quivering. I lay my head against the cool paint of the walls, too tired to hold it up. It still feels like my heart is running a marathon. My body is spent. My mind tired.

"Maybe." Alice sighs, running her hand over the top of my hand. "I'll make you some tea, I know you're exhausted." She pats my hand as she stands up, walking past Edward who hadn't moved at all.

I'm surprised that Edward is back. He had been gone all day yesterday and today even though Carlisle had said he'd be back soon. I wasn't aware that he was home.

It's hard to ignore Edward as I pull myself up, slowly walking to the couch against the wall. I'm dizzy and exhausted from my panic attack, still not fully recovered from the rollercoaster I had gone through. My stomach is clenched uneasily, and my heart moves unforgivingly in my chest.

I can feel my frustration with Edward slipping in between the residual panic. It wasn't fair for him to gone for so long doing the one thing I had begged him not to do. I was probably even more upset that he was responding to me so bleakly, for which I had no response.

"Bella – "

"Please don't." I tell him, trying hard to keep my voice from sounding like I was being strangled. It doesn't work. My voice was quivering almost as much as my limbs.

The leather of the black couch is cool against my heated cheek, and I rest my sticky skin against it.

Edward is like a giant elephant in the room, growing larger and more demanding as he stands in his spot, watching me. He was forcing the panic back into my body.

"What can I do?" Edward asks, defeatedly. It's so hard to picture him like this. Looking so beaten he almost looked like me. Who had crushed him down that way? Had I been his villain, leading him to his demise, in a similar way someone else had been mine?

"I don't know."

He steps toward me, hesitantly. "I don't know, either." He mutters. "I don't know what to do to help you, but I want to."

I open my mouth to respond, but I don't know how to. My mind seems ridiculously void of all thoughts.

Edward's lips press into a thin line, his eyes downcast. "Bella, I realize I haven't been what you need at all. I've prioritized myself and my comfort when I shouldn't have. I have left you to struggle alone."

Pain shoots through my chest at his sincerity. "I know."

"I am truly sorry."

I swallow thickly, feeling my throat swelling with emotion. "I know."

"What do you need now, in this moment?" Edward asks, his eyes peeling up to peer at me. I shrink away from his stare.

"I don't know."

My eyes burn with traitorous tears. Anger pours through me, only encouraging the tears to fall faster. Why didn't my body ever listen to me? Why didn't it stop crying?

"Why did you come back?" The words slip from my mouth before I can stop myself. "You were gone for so long. . . Why?"

Edward grimaces, looking pained. "I was hunting. . . for days. Emmett made me realize that my priorities were messed up."

"Oh." I sigh. I close my eyes, feeling more relieved than I have in a long time. "You guys stopped."

"Emmett and Jasper are still hunting, Bella."

"No." I moan, pressing my face into the sofa. When I open my eyes, his have gone hard. He's upset again. He's standing tall, his shoulders no longer slumped, staring at me with an incredulous look.

"Please, just stop." I whisper.

"Stop what?"

My stomach churns uneasily, nauseous with his dismissive tone.

"Stop hunting." I tell him pathetically, pleadingly. My head pounds with each word. "Please, Edward. Tell Jasper and Emmett to stop too."

"How can you ask that of me?" Edward responds. His emotionless tone seemed to make me numb.

He stares at me, waiting for a response but I have none to give him. I have no reason except the reasons he gave me. I've never asked Edward to not protect me. I wasn't angry with Edward for trying to find Victoria. Or even the pack for trying to find her. I never gave it a second thought when I realized that Jasper and Emmett had killed James.

"I can't do that, Bella." His voice is like steel, even if it is eerily emotionless. "He deserves to die."

"And you deserve to live."

"No, Bella, you deserve to live." Edward spits through his teeth. "He wants to kill you and I'll be damned if I let him."

"Then stay here and don't go anywhere. Protect me here." I beg. "Then no one has to die."

Edward doesn't have to die. Or Jasper or Emmett or Rosalie or Alice or Esme or Carlisle.

"We aren't the ones dying." The emotionless way he delivers his words numbs me. His eyes are different – distant, upset. With me.

"Can't you trust me?" I ask, feeling tears pool in my eyes. "Trust that I know what's good for me this time. . ."

"You don't trust me." His response smacks me so hard my lungs collapse. I swallow hard, struggling to find a way to suck oxygen back into my lungs before Alice has to come upstairs and calm me down again.

"This isn't about me."

"Isn't it?" Edward turns, looking at me with eyes full of fury. "How is this not about you?"

My breaths shake in my chest. He's fuming – the muscles in his arm tensing with his anger.

He stares, waiting for a response.

"I've always asked you to protect me. Just this once, don't." I beg. "Please, just stop hunting and stay here."

"I have." Edward mutters in response. He stalks forward toward me, laying a gentle kiss on my forehead. "I'm here, Bella."

We're polar opposites. Edward, powerful and composed, towering over me, weak and distraught.

"Edward, please just listen to me." I beg him, pushing at his shoulders so he would look at me. "I let you do this. I let you do it for a few days but not anymore. Tell Emmett and Jasper to stop."

"Why?" Edward demands, incredulous. "I promise, none of us will get hurt."

"You don't know that!" I snap at him, stifling a sob. Tears were pooling in my eyes. Why wouldn't he just listen to me?

"Bella." Edward groans, frustrated. "Don't underestimate us. You know we're capable."

I ignore him, wiping at the tears on my face. It's all I can do to focus on my breathing, forcing my panic out of my body and back into the distance between Edward and I.

Finally, Edward sighs, shaking his head. "Why is it fair for you to ask me to give up everything?"

My chest clenches with grief. "Am I not part of your everything?" My words are so meek I'm ashamed of them.

Edward crouches in front of me, brushing my face with his fingers. "You are my everything. Why won't you let me stop someone from taking you away from me?"

"Because you'll take yourself away from me, and I don't want that."

"You're safe here." He insists quietly, his voice stubborn.

"So are you."

"Why won't you listen to Charlie, Bella?"

I look up at Edward, pain coursing through my veins so strongly I think I'm going to faint. He was encouraging me to go. "You. . . Y-You want me . . . to go?"

"No, I want what's best for you." His voice is smooth, cold. Distant.

"No – Don't say that." My voice is a whisper, a flicker of sound in the quiet house. I'm not sure what it was – hopelessness, exhaustion, anger, sadness – but something was running toxically though my veins, poisoning every inch of my body. "I want to stay here."

"Bella," Edward says, his voice soft. "Your mother is in Jacksonville. Your family—"

"Is here." I interrupt, my breath catching in my throat as I inhale. I'm starting to feel the initial panic as before. I've heard these words before.

Edward takes a deep breath, his mouth pressed into a fine line.

It seems like everything is just clicking into place. The blank, emotionless orbs of his eyes that seem to press on forever. The constant mask he uses to hide his expressions. It wasn't too long ago that I was driven to panic over the few words he'd speak to me throughout an entire day of school, all carefully crafted on his tongue to be vague and cold. The scarcity in his touch and the feeling of distance when he did touch me. He didn't smile at all in the days prior to his departure, except for a few crooked smiles that were entirely misplaced and wrong.

I'm not sure Edward had smiled since the attack. I'm not sure he had expressed any emotion, besides anger and frustration. I'm not sure he has looked at me the way he used to, the way he promised to. I'm not sure any of his words held a semblance of emotion.

I can feel my hands shaken besides me, and I know Alice is about to come upstairs to bring me down from another panic attack. She won't compliment me for a good job after this one.

"You promised me!" I was crying now, tears streaming down my face. "You—you promised you wouldn't do this to me again."

"I'm not leaving you, Bella." Edward tells me smoothly. "I promised I wouldn't ever leave you, and I won't."

"But you want me to go."

"I want you to get better." Edward corrects.

"This is because of what happened. Just change me, Edward. Change me right now!" I was almost screaming at him, and I can see that I've hit a nerve, made him upset, with my words. "Caius was going to come eventually! Just bite me now and no one will hurt me, and you can't force me away anymore."

"No." Edward's voice is tight. His eyes are even tighter.

All I can feel is shame now. Shame because I'm begging him when he clearly doesn't want me. I can't help the stabs of pain that are shooting through my stomach as he moves away from me, back towards his original spot. He doesn't touch me anymore, not the way he used to.

"Being away from here will not be good for me. Being away from you will not be good for me." I cry pathetically, tears streaming down my face. "We've tried it before. It didn't work."

"I have no other way to protect you right now, Bella." He sounds incredulous, upset. "You can't ask me to stop hunting and then demand to stay here."

"Just be here. That's all you have to do to protect me." I insist through my tears.

"Do you hear what you're saying?" Edward snaps bitterly. "You're asking me to let the one who did this to you go."

I'm not sure how to respond. Edward is right, it sounds insane. But that's the only way he won't be killed.

Edward closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. I can hear his phone buzzing in his pocket, and he pulls it out angrily. I can hear the metal cracking in his hand. "Give me a minute, Bella."

I wish nothing more than for Edward to hear my thoughts, for once, as I beg him to stay. But, as he turns and he leaves, I'm more than aware that he can't.

I sob into my palm, collapsing against the leather of the couch.

I was losing Edward again. Just like when Jasper tried to hurt me. It only took Edward a few days to disappear from my life for months. It had been much more than that since the attack, but now Edward could channel his energy into hunting. Before, he couldn't hunt his brother.

I'm not sure how long I laid sobbing on the couch before I hoist myself up, breathing heavily, toward the door.

I'm stumbling, fury and misery surging through me.

Alice meets me at the top of the stairs, a look of pity across her delicate features.

"Oh, Bella." Alice sighs, pulling me into her arms. She kisses my forehead, letting me stain her clothes with all my tears. "He's not leaving you. None of us are, I swear on my life."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." I cry helplessly. "No one could stop him before."

"He was an idiot before, and he's being an idiot again." Alice mutters darkly. She walks me downstairs, moving us toward the couch. I stumble more than walk.

I want to disagree with Alice – Edward isn't an idiot. Edward is just being impacted by this the same as I am. He's angry, the same as I am. He's traumatized, the same as I am. I have all of them watching my every move, making me food and holding me when I sleep. Edward has no one to help him.

"Don't say that about him." I can't help the words as the slip from my mouth.

Rosalie floats into the sitting room, lazily falling into a chair. "Don't defend him now, Bella." She says thickly. "He shouldn't have done any of that."

"You shouldn't have either." I snap, jabbing a finger in her direction. The movement puts too much pressure on my ribs and I wince unhappily. "You let him go, too, Rosalie. You let him leave Forks, too. You let him think I was dead. You let him hunt all this time. You were cruel – "

The rest of my words get caught in my throat. I balk, stepping away as I realize who I had been yelling at. Rosalie doesn't like me. She wouldn't accept this from me the way Alice would. Rosalie would fight back – and she would destroy me.

I can feel my hands trembling, anxious of the response I would get from her.

Why had I done that? I shouldn't have said anything.

But she says nothing. She doesn't even more. She remains quiet, her dark eyes hard and her lips pressed together.

"Bella," Alice's voice triggers my anger again and I round on her, inspired by Rosalie's silence.

"And you only came back when you thought I was dead." I say, pushing myself away from Alice. I'm so tired that my legs shake, but I don't care. The anger is much stronger than the exhaustion at this point. "When it should have been too late for anything to matter."

Alice is silent, too. The whole room is, except for my hiccupped breaths.

"You're right, Bella." Rosalie's voice is quiet and soft. I'm flinch, surprised by the tenor of her voice. "We didn't do right by you. We never have."

I don't respond, mostly because I'm not really sure how to. That was essentially an apology from the one Cullen who loathed me.

Despite her apology, I can't quite think past the anger that's wrapping my brain in flames of fury. I was mad at Edward for leaving, for choosing to pursue something I asked him not to do, for ignoring my decisions. I was mad at Alice for insulting Edward and also for not fighting Edward on my behalf. I was mad at Rosalie for . . . everything. For never treating me like I was part of her family. For hating me.

"Bella," Edward's standing next to Alice. "Can you take a walk with me?"

"No." The voice is sharp in my mouth, and I'm surprised I've said it.

"Where are you going?" Alice asks me, her eyes wide suddenly.

I ignore her, walking towards the garage. The door is shut, and I can't seem to flip the lock and open the door with my shaking hands. Eventually, paler, steady hands do it for me and all I can do is mumble a 'thanks' to Carlisle as I pull the door open. I'm not sure what I was thinking at all. Somehow, in my mind, I was expecting to just find Charlie's cruiser and my truck parked in their garage. Instead, I'm faced with the line of cars much too expensive for me to feel comfortable trying to drive.

Edward's Volvo is sandwiched between Carlisle's black Mercedes and Rosalie's bright red convertible. Next to the convertible, Emmett's jeep stands tall and pristine. Alice's new car – her yellow Porsche – looks like a toy in comparison. Jasper's motorcycle is absurd in the corner of the garage.

Edward's car seems like the most likely car for me to drive – but even still, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I glare at the cars, having completely forgotten that my truck isn't even here and wishing desperately that it was.

My eyes flitter to the keys hanging neatly on the wall. I didn't even know which key paired to which car.

"I'll walk." I mutter, sniffing back tears of frustration. I wanted my truck.

"It's raining." Rosalie says, walking up behind me. "You won't even make it to the end of the driveway."

I inhale sharply, knowing I was not capable of walking that far even on a good day. My muscles were far too underused in the last few weeks, and I was already exhausted just walking down the stairs to the garage. If my head started hurting at all, I'd probably just drop onto the side of the road and hope someone didn't hit me.

"Your whole future just disappeared. You can't go to La Push, Bella." Alice says, suddenly besides me.

"I thought you couldn't see anything?" Rosalie says, narrowing her eyes at Alice. I look at Alice then, surprised.

"What do you mean you can't see anything?" I question.

"Don't worry about it, Bella." Alice says dismissively, grabbing the keys off the wall. "It's really nothing."

"Ha! As if. Everyone is worrying about it." Rosalie laughs darkly, turning her back to us as she leans against her car, stroking it's bumper.

Edward snarls at Rosalie, and I jump, trembling, as he shoots me an apologetic look.

"Why don't we go for a drive somewhere else? Maybe Olympia. It could take your mind off things." Alice recommends, smiling. "We can even go further – California, Nevada, you tell me."

"They are all out there hunting nothing?" The base of my head hurts with every word that comes out of my mouth, and I think I've finally hit rock bottom because there are tears pooling in my eyes and shivers wrecking my chest again. "You can't even see anything? They're blind! They're out there completely blind?" I screech, and each word vibrates within my body.

"They're not blind, Bella, relax." Alice says with a huff of air. "I'm not totally useless right now!"

"It's raining! They can't even get a scent. What are they doing?" my voice is so shrill it's hurting my own head.

Alice rolls her eyes. "They have a scent, Bella. Leave the vampires to do their job. At least let me drive you so I can be close if something happens."

"I'm not going with you." I turn around roughly, nearly bumping into Esme. She steadies me with her hands, offering me a small smile. "Sorry." I mumble, pulling from her grasp.

I didn't want to be with her right now. She let Edward do this to me, too.

"I'll take you, Bella."

I'm not sure that I've heard correctly, and it takes me a minute to realize that it was, in fact, Rosalie who said something and she did say what I originally thought I had heard. I turn around, facing her.

"Call the dog and tell him to meet us at the boarder." She tells me, tossing me a phone. It's too fast for me to even consider grabbing, but Carlisle catches it for me easily, laying it in my shaking hand.

"What?" my voice is just a squeak as I stare at the black device in my hand. I think I remember Jake's number.

"I'm waiting. Go." Rosalie tells me, her voice cold again. "You should probably get a rain jacket too."

I swallow thickly, accepting her words, though I'm not sure why. Carlisle was capable of taking me. Esme was probably home, too.

My eyes peek toward Edward, surprised he had been quiet throughout this conversation. He's obviously frustrated but doesn't seem to be feeling the fury I am. Somehow, that makes me feel worse. Why wasn't he mad that I was leaving? Why wasn't he trying to stop me from going to see Jacob the way he normally did?

I swallow quickly, turning my back toward him. If I didn't see him, I wouldn't think about him. It was a pathetic lie, but it had to be enough for now.

I turn to the phone, typing in Jacob's number. My hands are still shaking, even more so now with the nerves of driving in the same car with Rosalie alone, and it takes me multiple tries to get it right. Rosalie has never offered her time up for me, never offered to do me a favor like this one. She has never exactly said anything kind to me. I'm not sure where her motivation to do this has come from and I'm not even sure why I'm taking it.

My conversation with Jacob is brief and he's excited as he promises to meet me at the border in a few minutes.

Esme is holding up my raincoat for me to slide my arms into when I shut the phone off. I stare at Esme's expression, confused. She doesn't say a word, only offers me a small, sympathetic smile as she squeezes my shoulder and offers me a wish for me to have a good day with my friend.

I walk slowly to the car, my heart hammering in my chest as I stiffly slide into the front seat. Rosalie is already behind the steering wheel with the car on. The second my bucket locks into place, she throws the car into reverse, speeding out of the driveway.

I'm rigid in the car as Rosalie speeds down the road. I can barely see from the rain pouring onto the car, but it seems like Rosalie is not having the same difficulty.

"Calm down or you'll have a panic attack. I'm not going to hurt you." Rosalie tells me after a few moments. Her voice is loud in the remarkably quiet car, and it makes me a jump a little. Rosalie throws me a glance, something between amused and annoyed.

"Why are you doing this?"

Rosalie laughs darkly. "They're all getting on my nerves right now and what better way to annoy them than to take you exactly where they don't want you?"

"You are taking me to the boarder because you're upset with your family?" I repeat back incredulous.

Rosalie shrugs. "From what I gathered, you're upset with them too. Alice and Edward, anyway. Don't worry – it's justified."

I bite my lip. I don't say anything about being upset with her, too.

"Edward's being an idiot, Alice is defending him. Although, you are defending him, too." Rosalie glances at me momentarily. "You have to stop defending him, Bella." Her voice is so soft that it shocks me, and I have to glance up to remind myself that it is Rosalie speaking to me.

"He did nothing wrong."

"That's a lie and you know it. You're running off to La Push to be with your mutt because Edward couldn't be bothered to listen to you." Rosalie says quietly. "One day he'll regret it, but right now he doesn't even realize he's doing wrong by you. And he's too fucking stupid to admit it."

I don't answer her, but I can't see past the tears picking at my eyes and threatening to fall. I wipe my cheeks quickly, making sure they're still dry.

Rosalie sighs. "You're a mess. My god."

"I'm sorry." I mutter, the tears overflowing onto my cheeks now. My throat was burning.

Rosalie shakes her head, sighing again. "One day, you'll both understand that what you're doing is counterproductive. But all you need right now is support, so much so that you're going to Jacob" she sneers his name in disgust. "and Edward is pushing you at your mother."

"I'm going to yell at Jacob." I argue defiantly. It was partially true, I think. He hadn't come to see me in too long and I missed him. He needed to be yelled at.

"Don't lie to yourself. Although, you're angry so I suppose the dog might get some rage out of you." Rosalie tells me, grinning, clearly enjoying the idea of me yelling at Jake. "Your dog is waiting."

I hadn't realized that Rosalie stopped the car. She had done it so softly that I hadn't noticed, or maybe, in my fit of crying, everything was slipping past me. In the short distance past the rain, I could see Jacob's bright car. I pull my hood over my head.

"Call me if you want me to pick you up." Rosalie tells me before I get out of the car. I nod, slamming the door shut. Rosalie is gone before I've ever reached the rabbit.

"Hey Bells!" Jake's voice is loud and enthusiastic and it's such a strange change from the dreary, haunted feeling I've normally felt.

"Hi."

"I'm surprised you managed to get out." Jacob laughs heartily, turning the truck around and driving towards his house.

"They're not holding me hostage." My voice comes out grumpier than I intended, and Jacob throws me a narrow-eyed look.

"It sure sounds like it."

"Can we not fight now? Please." My pathetic pleading must work because Jake just shrugs with a smile, throwing his arm over the back of my seat.

"Dad's excited to see you."

I smile slowly. "I haven't seen him in a long time."

The drive to Billy's house is short and soon Jacob and I are running through the rain to seek the shelter his house offers. The second I enter, a strong smell of food hits me, nearly making me gag. I cover my mouth with my hand, hoping to hide my disgust from Jake. He doesn't seem to notice as he strolls past me, dripping all over the floor, towards the kitchen.

The smell of food rarely permeated through the Cullen house. I almost forgot it existed.

"Rebecca, somethin' smells good." Jake says. He was so much louder than I was used to. I was the only one who made noise in the Cullen house and here, Jake stomped more than walked and yelled more than talked. I follow slowly after Jake, shedding my wet jacket onto the hook near the door.

Rebecca, with her beautiful russet skin and long black hair, was standing against the counter mixing a large bowl of something. Oil was sizzling away on the stove.

"Oh, Bella!" Rebecca smiles widely in my direction. She drops the mixing bowl onto the counter, nearly running to hug me. I try hard not to express my pain as her arms squeeze my ribs, and she backs away almost instantly, shooting me an apologetic look. "It's been so long."

"Yeah." I mumble, wrapping my arms around my torso.

"Hey Bells." Charlie's gruff voice floats from down the hall. He looks at me hesitantly, his eyes raking over my damp hair and clothes.

"Hi Dad." I mumble in response. I look away from him, biting my lip. I didn't know what to say to him now. I didn't even realize he would be here.

"I'm making chicken. Are you hungry?" She asks me, turning back to the stove. She flips a few of the chicken pieces she was talking about in the pan. I hesitate, unsure of how to express that I would most likely throw up if I tried to eat anything.

"Hey there, Bella! I didn't know you were coming today." I recognize Billy's voice instantly as he wheels toward us, saving me from having to respond to Rebecca. He was smiling, though it didn't quite reach his whole face. "How're you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Thanks." I don't miss the way my voice sounds pathetically weak and ill, and I wished I had Edward's ability to mask my emotions.

Billy nods. "Good, good. Jake was real worried about you. We all were." I notice his voice changes as he speaks. Distrust and anger replacing his more solemn tone.

I grimace in response, disliking the idea of anyone knowing what really happened to me. I walk slowly to Jacob's side, feeling slightly naked on my own. I'm not sure that I had been on my own much in the last few weeks.

Jake smiles happily at me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders incredibly gently.

"They, uh. . . Taking care of you over there, Bella?" Billy's voice is dark and upset. I can't imagine he, or anyone on the reservation, would be happy about my residence with Edward's family.

"Everything's fine, Billy."

Billy nods at my words, his eyes narrowed.

"Foods almost ready. And Paul should be here soon." Rebecca tells Billy, offering him a can of beer. He takes it with a smile. "Want one, Jake?"

"Nah, I'm good." Jake waves her off with a shrug. "C'mon, Bells." Jake walks me past Rebecca and Charlie to the small sitting room. He plops down onto the couch, patting the spot next to him.

"You look like a ghost." Jake tells me. I sit stiffly on the couch, feeling a bit uncomfortable being in the house now. "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Jacob sighs. "That's a lie and you know it."

"I'm tired." I mumble at him, kicking my shoes off and pulling my legs to my chest. Jacob leans back onto the couch.

"They're not letting you sleep over there?" Jacob retorts sourly.

"They're doing a lot for me, Jake." I argue with him quietly. "Please be nice."

"Whatever." Jake mutters, sighing. "I'm just saying, you look terrible considering you're residing with a doctor and a bunch of others who are playing doctor."

I shrug again, not really caring too much what Jake's saying. Then, suddenly, he sits up, his eyes wild with excitement.

"Let's go ride our bikes." He says with the widest grin I've seen in a long time. I'm sure I've made a face at him, though it doesn't seem to deter his excitement.

"Jake, I can't." I protest quietly. "I can barely walk still." I hold up my encased wrist. "And I have this."

"Eh, you won't be walking, you'll be on a bike." Jacob stands, holding his hand out for me to take. "I'll help you steer."

"Jake, really. Not now."

"I won't tell anyone anyway." Jacob teases. "Not Charlie, no one."

"What if I get hurt?" I question. Edward would be livid if he found out I was riding motorcycles in my condition. I'm sure Carlisle would be upset too – although, I've rarely ever seen him angry. Maybe just disappointed in me, which would probably guilt me into feeling worse.

"You won't. I'll be there." Jacob shrugs. "C'mon. It used to always make you feel better!"

I bite my lip, unable to argue with him. He was right. Riding my bike was the only thing that made me feel better on my worst days.

"If I do get hurt, it's because I fell on the beach." I tell him pointedly, grabbing his hand hesitantly. Jacob let's out a shout of excitement, pulling me along with him. He throws my jacket over my head, not bothering to help me put it on properly and then he leads me out into the drizzles toward his garage.

Our bikes are under a large blue tarp in the corner. They're dusty from misuse, but it doesn't seem to bother Jake as he pulls them out, rolling mine over to me. Once he retrieves his, he helps me roll them both outside towards the back of the house where Billy can't spot us.

It's a bit of a struggle to even get on my bike, but Jake's just as strong as Edward is and he helps me up, getting me situated with my rain jacket. He had frowned, clearly upset, when I explained how difficult it is for me to put it on myself with broken ribs. Once I was positioned with my jacket, Jacob rolls his own bike over to me and we start off slowly in the rain towards the backroads of La Push.

It wasn't too difficult to ride with my broken wrist – my fingertips just barely wrapped around the throttle, but at the slow pace I was going, it was easy to hold on. Despite the slow pace, I could feel my body throb with excitement.

It was exhilarating, at first, before my heavy breaths were more painful than adrenaline-producing. And the pressure I was putting on my pelvis reminded me that I wasn't exactly healed yet, something Carlisle mentioned might take a few weeks. Jacob kept up with my incredibly slow pace, never moving beyond the length of my bike or even losing his smile at our slower pace.

He chats a bit with me about the pack, offering up unimportant information about things happening at the Reservation as we ride. It's casual and refreshing to hear about Jacob's life and the drama on the reservation. It's not at all like the stilted talk at the Cullen Residence that makes me feel like I'm drowning sometimes.

We probably weren't riding for more than ten minutes before I was sure I'd drop from exhaustion. Jacob walks the bikes back to the garage, one in each hand, while I walked besides him. The rain was beginning to pick up and our clothes were soaked and muddy.

The garage was damp and warm when we walk in and I am quick to shed my soaked jacket, draping it on an old metal chair. It doesn't matter much, since my shirt underneath is just as wet.

"That was fun!" Jacob grins, offering me a warm can of soda. I'm not sure that Carlisle would approve of me drinking soda, considering how little I'd been eating in the past few days, but I crack the can open anyway.

"Yeah." I agree, smiling back. It felt great going out with him. I sit down on the floor, leaning back against the wall and Jacob plops down beside me.

"I've missed this place." I comment quietly.

Jacob sighs besides me, smiling. "Yeah, you should come back more often."

I nod, taking a sip of the warm soda. It's too sugary on my tongue and I hate the way my stomach clenches in response.

"How'd you escape, anyway?" Jacob asks, his joking tone holding a bit of hatred in it.

"I didn't have to escape, Jacob. Rosalie drove me, remember?" I snap at him, turning away. Jacob is quiet besides me, instantly guilting me for my outburst. I sigh, leaning my head against the cement of the wall. "They're almost never home, Jake."

"Hmm?"

"Emmett and Jasper. . . and sometimes Rosalie and Alice are hunting. Edward goes, too."

"Damn, and they haven't got him yet?" Jake raises an eyebrow.

I shrug slowly, trying not to move my ribs too much. "No, I guess not." I pull my legs closer to my body, biting my lip. They were supposedly getting closer and closer. Alice said Emmett had a scent today – I'm not sure if it was the scent or just an unfamiliar one they decided to look into. I can feel my heart thumping rapidly in my chest thinking about Edward getting closer and closer to him every day. Edward and Carlisle are the ones he wanted to kill. How could I protect them if they didn't listen to me?

"I would've found him in a day." Jacob snorts, pulling me from my thoughts. "You really did pick a useless band of leeches to protect you."

I ignore Jacob's remark against my chosen family, narrowing my eyes at him. "You're not looking?"

I'm not sure if it's relief I feel that Jacob would be safe, or anger that he didn't appear to care enough about me to do something. I'm tormented, then – grateful Jacob is safe and hurt that he hasn't tried to seek revenge. I hadn't thought much about what Jake might be doing when he wasn't attempting to visit me at all, but I had hoped it was something useful.

Jacob frowns, looking at me. "No."

"Oh." I bite my lip a bite harder, until my lip starts to hurt. I remember Carlisle telling me to be careful, that sometimes I get caught up in my thoughts and I don't realize when I've bit through my skin. There are no vampires here that would be distraught by my blood flowing, though.

"I can't." Jacob frowns harder, looking away from me. "Sam forbade it. Said you picked your fate when you picked them."

"What does that mean?" I had never spent much time with Sam, but it was becoming clearer and clearer that he saw things in black and white.

"It means he doesn't care what happens to you, Bella." Jacob's voice is rough and a bit angry. I'm not sure if he's upset with me or Sam. "It's like I said before. You picked the leeches and we can't defend you anymore."

"Oh." I swallow thickly, finding it hard to get past the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry it's like that."

"Yeah, me too." Jacob laughs bitterly. "Honestly, I'm shocked you're even allowed on our property now. I woulda thought Sam would stop this."

"I guess I won't be soon." I say quietly, starring into the can of soda. I had always tried to forget the impact my transition would have on Renee and Charlie, and now Jacob. I would be a sworn enemy of the pack, a monster. . . a leech. Although, I wasn't exactly sure how things would change now. Technically, Carlisle was going to change me after graduation. We hadn't talked at all about how the events of these weeks might change that.

Jacob turns to me, and I don't miss the way his soda swirls in his trembling hand. "Were you serious, Bella?"

"What?"

"You know, when you said . . . a few months ago. If . . . if he bit you." Jacob cringes, his figure shuddering.

I bite my lip. "Jake. . ."

"Were you, Bella?" He demands again, harder this time.

I grimace, feeling a lump forming in my throat. "Yes."

Jacob closes his eyes, inhaling sharply. "You know what that means, right?" his voice is so cold that I flinch. "What will happen if they break the treaty?"

"We'll leave first." I whisper, my voice small. We would leave first, I think. If Carlisle was still going to change me. If Edward still wanted me.

My heart twists painfully in my chest, remembering the gaping hole in my body when he left for those long, torrid months. At the same pound, the familiar pounding begins at the base of my head, traveling all the way up to my temples. I wince, squeezing my eyes shut as if that would dull the pain.

His eyes flash to mine, deep pits of anger. "There isn't a distance to the treaty, Bella. My ancestors only agreed to keep the peace because those leeches sore that they were different, that humans weren't in danger from them. They swore they would never kill or change anyone again." Jacob was almost yelling at me, his body leaning over mine.

My heart was incredibly fast, and I knew if he didn't stop, I'd start panicking soon. No one was here to help me down from a panic attack.

"If they go back on their word, the treaty is meaningless, and they are no different from any other leech."

I shudder a small breath. "We can still be friends."

"You can't just change the rules, Bella." Jacob voice is sharp and I can't help but cringe into the wall behind me. "Do you really think there will be anything left of you when you're one of them?"

"Jake, please stop it." My voice trembles, and with a frustrated moan, I realize my hands are too. They're shaking so much my soda has slopped over the sides of the can and is dripping onto the legs of my pants.

I put the can down, but with my trembling, it flops over and spills over the dusty floor of Jake's garage.

"No, I'm serious. Do you really think you'll be the same? That you'll be more than a leech? Cause that's what you will be. You'll be a leech, just like the rest of them. Forever governed by your instincts to kill. You'd be my enemy."

"It won't be like that." My voice is pleading with him and I hate myself a little bit with every word. I don't want to beg people to love me.

"I'd rather see you dead, Bella, than one of them." Jacob's words are filled with such fury that I can't help but recoil back in pain, as if he'd slapped me.

"You almost had your wish." I whisper, tears pooled in my eyes. He'd saved me, though. Maybe he should have just left me in my room. Maybe he shouldn't have taken me to the hospital at all. Maybe I would be dead. "Maybe you should have just left me to die."

"Bella," Jake's voice suddenly sounds pleading, almost regretful. I stand up with some difficulty, feeling my entire world shaking and trembling around me. It's difficult to walk toward the chair to grab my coat, and even more difficult walking toward the house. Each step is slow as I try to find my footing on the soiled ground with my aching head and trembling joints. I want to scream in frustration, wishing my body would just cooperate for once.

Jacob doesn't follow me or even call for me to come back, despite the time it's taking me to walk, and somehow that stings more than the words he'd said.

Inside the house, Billy and Rebecca are sitting with Charlie and Paul eating. They're laughing, until I walk in.

"Bells!" Charlie's voice is excited when he sees me walk in, but his smile fades.

"Can I use your phone?" I ask quietly as the laughter dies away. It's doesn't escape my notice how Paul wrinkles his nose, turning away from me.

"Of course, Bella." Rebecca answers, pointing to the phone on the counter. I reach it quickly, dialing Edward's number. I have to slam the phone back onto the receiver twice as my trembling fingers smack the wrong numbers. Rebecca watches me, biting her lip nervously.

Edward picks up on the first ring, his voice frantic.

"What's wrong?"

"Can you come get me?"

"Bella . . ." Edward hesitates, his voice regretful. "I—I can't."

Oh. Oh. I had forgotten the Cullens weren't allowed on reservation.

"Are you hurt?" Edward asks, his voice suddenly as frantic as before.

"No." I tell him quietly. "It's fine. I'm sorry, I forgot. I'll just ask Jacob to drive me."

"I'll be at the border waiting. I'm sorry." My heart absolutely breaks at his words and I shut off the phone before he can hear me fall apart.

"Do you need a ride?" Charlie asks. I hadn't realized he had come up behind me. "I'll take you back."

"No, Dad, it's fine." I protest, but he grabs his keys from the counter before I can stop him. I follow his silently, climbing into the front of his cruiser.

"You okay, Bells?" Charlie asks, pulling out of the grassy driveway that he was parked in. I shrug, not answering as Charlie hits the road.

"I'm just tired." I tell him earnestly, thankful he had offered to drive me.

Charlie nods slowly, but he doesn't say anything more. The rest of the drive is silent, and I couldn't help feeling the exhaustion of the day fully as we drive on toward Forks. The weight of arguing with Edward and Jacob seemed heavy on my chest.

I can't stop my eyes from closing, or the stress of my day seeping into my dreams. In my unconscious state, I'm somehow lucid enough to hope Charlie can't tell I'm dreaming of Edward dead beside my bed, my attacker and Jake standing over him with expressions of serenity.