A/N: A 10,000+ word chapter to make up for disappearing from the world for a whole entire month. I did not intend to take such a long break, but I ended up moving suddenly to start a new job and dealing with a series of family emergencies. The break was necessary but I'm working on putting myself on a writing schedule again! I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge some of the reviews I got. I know there's a lot of frustration hanging out right now with these characters/lack of development and progress, but this is trauma. It sucks. It's not linear. It doesn't happen at the rate we want. I'm trying not to write a romanticized version of it and I'm glad to see that a lot of you guys are getting that! I appreciate all of your reviews, your words, your testimonials of your own trials and recovery, and I'm glad that you are seeing a light in this story in a way that I am.
Trigger warning: discussion of SA, injuries from SA, discussion of murder, discussion of abuse, etc
Chapter 13 – Monster (EPOV)
"Where is she?" I question, entering the house. Panic surges through me – she's not here. But everyone else is. I can smell the potent scents of my family members, and the fading scent of Bella that rips my throat to flames.
Gone. Rosalie's smug as she dances downstairs, a smile playing on her lips.
"Rose, what'd you do?" Emmett grumbles. Finally got through his thick skull too.
"She went to see her mutt." Rosalie slithers to the couch, tossing her hair over my shoulder. Moron. Absolutely the most delusional, idiotic, fool I've ever met. I told you, Edward. You don't know how to help her.
"Why?" I snarl.
Alice and Jasper quietly creep into the room, both saying nothing but prepared to deescalate any argument between me and Rosalie.
"What else should she do?" Rosalie questions, her eyes gloating. "Sit around, waiting for you to decide she's worth your time?" People go where they belong, Edward. She's never belonged with you.
A growl explodes from my chest, and Emmett yanks my shoulder.
Chill man. She'll be back.
Will she? Jacob's words play in my mind, reminding me that if I had stayed away long enough Bella might have been perfectly content with him. The thought sends shivers of anger through me, making Jasper step forward, his hand outstretched as if trying to help me. Concern was etched deep into his features. I could see my body pulsing red with emotion in his thoughts.
"Emmett." My voice was much too loud as I stalk out of the house.
Emmett stands, his arms crossed over his chest. "Let's go."
"No." Alice hisses, turning towards me. "You're not going to La Push, Edward."
"I'm not." I snap, much too harshly at Alice. I hear the guilt in her mind – she tried to stop Bella, but she didn't really want to stop her. Alice's actions were for my benefit more than Bella's. Alice knew Bella needed to make up lost time with Jacob Black. Alice knew I needed Bella here.
Rosalie looks between us, confused. Jasper, who had an idea of what I wanted, just sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Emmett follows me out of the house, and, to my dismay, so do the rest of them. Emmett was grinning now, knowing exactly what I wanted.
"Fucking moron." Rosalie mutters under her breath. Emmett's thoughts relay his movements just a fraction of a second before he charges at me. I let him hit me, let him drive me back several feet before tensing my muscles and using every ounce of my strength to push him off. He goes flying, landing perfectly upright fifty feet from where I was.
His grin widens, his muscles pulsing as he charges for me again. He's strong, but his thoughts give away his movements easily. It's not hard for me to side-step his attacks, taking advantage of his angled speed and brawn.
Stupid, idiotic boys. Alice was annoyed. "This won't help Bella at all." She yells at me.
No, it would not help Bella in any sort of way. But this would help me. It would allow me to release my anger, to unleash the monster that was itching for something to fight. Maybe I was being selfish, as Rosalie was screaming repeatedly in her mind. But I had been selfish for so many weeks now, what was a few more hours until Bella got home?
I don't respond to Alice. Instead, I try to put her thought's – and everyone else's – aside by focusing on Emmett. He was speeding over to me again, flinging his arm out to grab me. Emmett was having a great time, especially because I was allowing him to grab me just so I could get him off. I needed to use my power. I needed to fight something.
If it wasn't Emmett, it would be Jacob Black. The only one who could elicit a laugh from Bella. The only one who made her eyes light up with excitement. The only one she ran to.
I was the reason she ran to him. I hadn't been there for her now, the same way I hadn't been there for her before.
The monster within me is not as fulfilled as I had hoped. Fighting Emmett – sidestepping his attacks and pummeling him to the ground – did little to ease the tension and ferocity that raged within my chest. I needed something to kill.
Eventually, Alice sat down with her legs crossed and went back to seeking out Bella's future. Rosalie stood, continuing to dispel colorful language my way in her mind.
The more frustrated Emmett got with my countermoves, the more I needed to use my strength to respond to him. It was incredible using every one of my muscles that had been restrained and tense since I heard Bella had been attacked. Jasper was enjoying himself as he fueled Emmett's frustration with me, making the attacks all the wilder and more gruesome.
I would thank him later for it.
We went on for a long while leaving a wake of disaster in our path. Esme's perfectly tended garden was in tatters. Not one flower planted with intention stood erect. Trees, young and old, and ripped up ground were the physical evidence of our brutal fight, even if we have no injuries to show it. I might have felt bad for it if I wasn't so furious with Jacob Black and with the evasive monster I had yet to find.
"Again!" I snap, my voice thundering over Emmett's curse as I knock him to the ground.
"Wish you couldn't read my damn mind." Emmett grumbles, sinking into a low crouch. His teeth were barred, his eyes wild with the rage of losing again. "Fucking cheater."
I motion with my fingers for him to charge at me, giving him full permission to knock me over. He does so – the sound of our collision louder than thunder echoing through the mountains of Washington. I let him push my body, let my muscles relax for a moment before tensing with power and returning the force against him. I was no match for his strength, especially when we were going head-on.
This was good. This let my mind and muscles focus solely on winning.
Emmett knocks me to the ground, his booming laugh of victory echoing in my ears. It only takes a thousandth of a second for his focus to falter and for me to knock him senseless. He growls, his victory pulled away, and charges for me again.
My phone rings – the tone barely heard over the thunderous clashing of Emmett against me. I fail to block him properly, and he pummels me to the ground.
"Stop." I hiss, reaching for phone in the jacket I'd discarded on the porch before Emmett charged. I snap my phone open.
Panic surges through me. It's a number I'd seen Bella type into her keypad more often than I cared to admit. "What's wrong?"
Bella's voice is weak and trembling. "Can you come get me?"
"Bella," I'm about to voice my promise that I'll be there in a minute as I step towards the house, intending to grab my keys. But my body freezes. She's on the reservation. She's beyond the boarder. I couldn't – unless I wanted to start a war with the wolves.
"Just go." Rosalie tells me, her eyes wild with pain. Go get her, Edward. She's asking for you.
"I – I can't." I'm not sure who I'm responding to. Whether it's Rosalie or Bella, my words are true.
Crossing the boarder meant destroying what little diplomacy we had with the wolves. It would shatter the remaining respect both sides had for the treaty. It would cause a war and that only protection for Bella would be do leave. We couldn't leave Forks, though – for Bella's sake. Bella needed her father. She needed Jacob Black, as much as I despised him. She needed to have some sense of normalcy and familiarity with her surroundings, even if her entire life had been disrupted and destroyed in Forks. If I put one foot over the boarder. . . I couldn't.
"She needs you." Rosalie insists, her eyes pleading.
I grimace, feeling my chest constrict. Bella needed me, and I needed to be there. But I couldn't. I couldn't cause another rift in the chaos around us.
"Are you hurt?" I demand. If she was hurt, damn the treaty. They would have broken it first, anyway. Harm befalling humans applied to both parties.
She answers me, sniffling quietly across the line. "No. . . It's fine. I'm sorry. I forgot. I'll just ask Jacob to drive me."
Her voice breaks at the end, and I know the dog has screwed up. He's hurt her, somehow, but not in a way that would justify my crossing the boarder. My chest twists, wishing I had the ability to go to her and bring her home.
"I'll be at the border waiting. I'm sorry."
The line disconnects. Fists clenched at my side, I stalk toward the house to get my keys.
She called you. She gave you another chance. Don't fuck it up again. Rosalie brushes past me, toward the house.
I glare after her, wishing she would just pick a side and stay on it.
I grab my keys, slipping into my car and speeding off toward the reservation. I blast the heat in the car, ensuring it would be warm enough for Bella when she arrives. My thoughts are wild with fury – wishing I wasn't a vampire so I could cross the invisible line that kept me from Bella. If only. . . If only we were better for each other. If only our worlds didn't conflict so passionately.
A tiny voice whispers before I can stop it.
If only I possessed a faction of Carlisle's strength so I could change her.
I was nothing compared to my father. Weak in comparison to his strength. He hadn't hesitated – not with me or Esme. Not even when Rosalie begged him to change Emmett. He had done what he had to do – for himself and for his family. But I could never do that to Bella, not even for myself.
My car screeches to a stop once I've reached La Push, and I'm unsurprised to find that Jacob's car is not there yet. His car crawled in comparison to mine. I wait in the rain, fully prepared to shield Bella from the droplets as she walks to my car.
As I wait, I am keenly aware that his thoughts have not yet invaded mine. The loud tenor of his mind is mute, instead I'm picking up the murmurs of Charlie's.
I climb back into my car, watching as Charlie's cruiser rolls over the boundary line toward Forks. Bella's sitting in the car with him, her eyes dull and watery with tears.
Relief rushes through me, grateful that Charlie was driving her home instead of Jacob Black. And then frustration – that she had called me and I had, once again, lost my spot beside her as someone else stepped in to help.
I twist the car around, following Charlie from a distance. It was lunacy to follow, making sure Bella would be alright for the drive to my house, but I did it anyway. The trip must have absolutely exhausted her because she is asleep before Charlie's even reached the house. I keep up easily with his car, not wanting to pull him from his time with Bella or leave her alone in the event that she may need me still. I ditch my car in a secluded area on the long, winding drive-way and run toward the house. It would be as if I had never left and I had been awaiting Bella's return in my home the entire day – reducing any questions Charlie may have. Alice, quiet and reliable as always, promises to fetch my car at a later time when Charlie has gone home.
I slip out the front door of the house as Charlie pulls in, rounding the car to the passenger door.
I nod in acknowledgement to Charlie as he gets out, moving to gently coax Bella from her seat. She stays asleep as I carry her into the house, Charlie on my tail.
"Thank you for bringing her back, Charlie." I tell him, and he grimaces.
He was always slightly difficult for me to read, but it's become clearer and clearer with each passing day that he's thinking differently of my family and myself. He's not quite convinced we're normal anymore, and it's more apparent to him now with my protectiveness of Bella as I walk her inside.
I would have to have a discussion with Carlisle about Charlie's understanding of the rest of us. Perhaps it was becoming time for Charlie to learn our secrets.
Charlie hangs back in the foyer as I walk Bella upstairs.
"Edward." She mumbles, her eyes fluttering rapidly in the light.
"Sleep, love." I murmur, pressing my lips to her forehead. "You're home."
Her head lulls back onto my shoulder, relaxing against my body as she slips back into sleep, comforted with the fact that I'm with her. I lay Bella on my couch, pulling the covers over her body. Her hands are rigid, gripping my shirt, and I have little energy to force myself away from her. She exhales quietly as I lay besides her.
I stay with Bella, laying besides her, through the whole night. She twists unhappily through most of the night, tossing with nightmares that still haunt her. She wakes three times, frantically grasping me and begging for me to hold her. It takes her much too long to fall asleep again after each nightmare, though she refuses to share any of them with me. Each time, though, she eventually slips into another course of disrupted sleep, and I slip back into my thoughts.
I had hoped my visit to Bella's house – the scene of the most gruesome crime – would inspire me. My hunts in the past weeks had resulted in nothing. It was maddening following trails of vampires that had no connection to Bella's attacker. It was uncanny the way they had been winding around Forks. Jasper was certain it was merely a few vampires from Seattle slipping South. But even he couldn't explain the lack of bodies that should have been left in their wake. The killing was strangely confined to the major Seattle and away from our small town.
My fingers tug at my hair in frustration.
The situation in Seattle was only worsening every day. Between bodies found and people missing, Seattle was growing in chaos and fear. Jasper was concerned about the situation gaining attention of the Volturi, who would likely make a trip to put the situation on hold. If the Volturi came to Seattle, nothing would stop them from coming here.
There was one good reason to intervene in Seattle, even if we had enough on our plates as it were.
My thoughts shift to Emmett, then. His words echo in my ears. His thoughts, reminding me of Rosalie and her recovery.
Bella's face fills my vision, her small figure wrapped safely in my arms illuminated by the moon's light.
She was – is – fragile. She was so easily breakable. She had been hurt so many times by my world and by me. Despite her fragility in my eyes, she remained the strongest thing tethering me to this Earth.
Venom pools in my mouth, soaking my teeth and lips.
Change her. A small voice taunts in my head. It's overlayed by Emmett's voice. . . By Rosalie's voice, Alice's voice, Carlisle's voice . . . Bella's voice.
I wince, remembering the way she'd screamed at me.
I couldn't change her. Not yet. I couldn't ask her to go to Jacksonville again. I couldn't protect her here.
"What do I do, Bella?" I whisper, stroking the bruise on her cheek. "How do I take care of you?"
I'm bothered by how hoarse my voice sounds. So full of emotion I'm not strong enough to let her see.
At dawn, Bella whimpers, twisting violently in her sleep.
"Bella, love, wake up." I murmur in her ear, running my hands over her arms. She sobs quietly, her eyes opening, and I press myself firmer against her body. "You're fine, you're safe."
"Edward," she moans, pressing her face into my neck. I rub her back, careful to stop just below her ribs and stay clear of the side of her hip. Those spots, I'd learned, were triggers for her.
"You're safe." I remind her, wiping her tears with my thumb.
"I'm sorry." She cries, her heart rapidly beating in her chest. Her hands are shaking in fists clenched in my shirt and I take them in my own, rubbing my thumbs over her palms. Her cast was bothering me – I hated not being able to feel her silky skin.
"Don't apologize, love." I offer. "It's not like I'm sleeping, anyway."
Much to my surprise, Bella cracks a small smile, burying her face further into my neck. "It was awful."
"I know. Can you tell me about it?"
Bella shakes her head slowly, her breaths sharp. "I can't."
"Rest, then." I say. Bella looks up at me, her eyes begging me to touch her. I press my lips firmly to her forehead, letting my breath wash over her face. It seems to please her, and she presses her face back against my skin.
"You're not mad at me?" Bella asks timidly, biting her lip firmly.
"No, I'm not mad at you." I tell her, resting my forehead against hers. She sucks in a small breath, and I can smell tears leaking over her cheeks.
"What happened while you were there?"
Bella is quiet for a long moment, but breaths are short. "Jake happened." She finally admits, curling her body in on itself. "He said awful things."
I can't help but sigh, upset. "I'm sorry."
"You're really not mad that I went?" She sounds shocked.
I grimace, hating that Bella thinks of me like that, not that I've given her any reason not to. I hated her going to the Reservation to spend time with volatile mutts. Carlisle had spent a lot of time demanding I hold in my anger about Bella's friends. I was upset, especially realizing how easily Carlisle had helped her get ready and leave and how no one protested when Rosalie offered to drive Bella. Even if I hated to admit it, Carlisle was right. Bella needed more support than we could offer.
"I'm not happy. Carlisle thinks you needed to spend time with friends, and I'm inclined to agree, even if I don't like them. Although, I'm more upset now that I'm hearing about the mutt saying upsetting things to you."
"Carlisle was encouraging me to go." Bella agrees, her eyes wide with surprise.
My jaw is tight as I speak again. "They cared for you when I hurt you and when I wasn't there, Bella. Carlisle knows that they've helped you in the past and they can again."
Bella breathes in quietly, more tears pooling in her eyes. "Well, you got your wish, Edward. I don't want to ever go back. I don't ever want to see him again."
I push my finger against Bella's lip, encouraging her to stop biting it. It was habit she had picked up during her more anxious moments and it left her lips raw and broken.
"I will never be happy at your misfortune, Bella. I never wanted you in the path of danger and I am sorry that you're hurt by him."
"It's doesn't matter now." She sniffs, wiping tears from her cheeks.
I can't help grimacing, upset with myself for being so openly disapproving of Bella's friendship. "He's upset with himself, Bella. He feels responsible. What he's saying, he's saying out of guilt, not what he truly believes."
I'd read his thoughts easily enough the last time he was over to relay an angry message from Sam about Paul and Emmett. He felt liable, as Charlie and I did, for not protecting Bella when she needed it. He was livid with himself for allowing Bella to leave with Alice months ago to come get me in Italy, and even more upset that he hadn't fought harder to see Bella in the weeks since my family's return to Forks. Jacob was utterly convinced that if Bella had more time with him, she would be his now.
I can feel a few tears leaking down the side of her face, and I wipe them away with my thumb.
"He means it." Bella voice breaks.
"I'm sorry, love. I wish things were different." I whisper to her, pressing my hand to hers. "Maybe, one day, they will be."
Bella doesn't respond, and I hold her close to me.
As we lie together, Bella struggles to remain comfortable enough to sleep. Her heart, which had never fully returned to normal, would speed up and her breaths would become short, before she'd calm down again. I hummed her lullaby for her, brushed my fingers through her hair, and massaged her arms where the bruises were the worst, but nothing seemed to coax her into even a light doze.
Finally, as the clock read 5:00 AM, Bella lifted her head and announced she didn't want to sleep anymore. Bella, with a strange quietness, accepted my help as I tied her hair up and wrapped her frail body in a blanket before pulling her into my arms to walk downstairs. Instead of protesting and demanding to walk, she gripped my shirt tightly in her hands, pressing her face to my chest.
The changes in her state worried me and I could only attribute them to the dream that left her unable to sleep and her fight with the dog.
Jasper and Alice are in the sitting room when I carry Bella in, and Alice is quick to vacate Bella's favorite couch so I can sit with her.
"Good morning, Bella." Alice says, smiling. "Are you hungry?"
"Not right now." Bella shakes her head. "I'll eat later."
Bella relaxes against me, sighing quietly, as Jasper's influence washes over her, cajoling her into a peaceful state. She closes her eyes, humming quietly, content with Jasper's abilities on her. I can't hear any of the others in the house, and I can only assume they've gone hunting or to spend time with each other. There seemed to be so little time to spend with each other, despite our sudden availability without school or work.
The four of us sit in silence for a long time. Bella is still as she lays with me, her eyes unmoving as they stare out the window into pitch black darkness. It's not long before Alice brings Bella a mug of steaming tea, promising it'll help with her headache and then begins playing a game of chess with Jasper. For the first time since we came down, Bella removes her attention from the window to watch Alice and Jasper play. Her concentration lags in and out of focus at their slow, strategic moves.
Just halfway through the game, Emmett returns home.
I went out again. There was nothing. Emmett tells me grimly, walking inside. I think there's nothing we can do but stay here and keep Bella under surveillance.
Frustration courses through me. Weeks of hunting have led us to every dead end possible. The information we needed to continue hunting would only come as Bella grew more comfortable sharing what happened the day I left with my brothers.
He turns to Bella, then, smirking widely. "Blood already, Bella?" Emmett grins at Bella, and I was instantly jealous of his ability to adopt a mood so quickly. He was chuckling at the mug of red tea in Bella's hands just moments after reminding me that we had no success on a pursuit of revenge and justice.
"Ew." Bella wrinkles her nose, putting her mug down on the table and pushing it away from her. "That's disgusting, Emmett."
Emmett laughs loudly, dropping to the sofa in front of us. "Jasper, isn't it ironic that there's nothing Bella wants more than to be a vampire and the only thing she hates in this life is blood?"
I hiss at Emmett quietly, but everyone ignores me as Jasper laughs good-heartedly with Emmett. They didn't care about my thoughts on Bella's transformation – it wasn't my choice, after all.
Bella glares at them weakly, though there was a small smile playing at her lips. "You're more than welcome to finish it yourself, Emmett." She gestures to the tea.
"Nah, I'm good." Emmett laughs, shaking his head. "I do apologize for whatever crap Carlisle is making you drink, though. It smells repulsive. Blood is much better, I promise"
"It's actually very good." Bella disagrees, her cheeks warming with a blush.
"You'll understand soon enough, Bella." Jasper chuckles, relinquishing his queen to Alice. Alice grins smugly, kissing Jasper's cheek as she celebrates her win.
"I'm curious. What'll happen if you become a vampire and you still can't do the whole blood situation?" Emmett muses, still clearly enjoying himself.
"She'll be the only vampire in existence that will starve to death." Alice says pointedly, pretending to glare at Bella. "And I'll be pissed if you do, Bella."
"Carlisle didn't die." Bella mumbles quietly, looking down at her hands, her cheeks reddening even more. Emmett was encouraged by her embarrassment, his grin widening.
Emmett shakes his head at her, feigning annoyance. "Yeah, but it was Carlisle's morals prompting his starvation, not his distaste for his only source of food."
Bella shrugs. "I guess we'll find out, then, won't we?" she mumbles, glancing at me quickly. Emmett does too, and I glare at him. He shouldn't be bringing this up with her right now. It's another source of stress Bella didn't need.
"I guess so." Emmett moves towards us, pushing Bella's mug toward her. "Finish this, it'll make your boyfriend happy." That's one way to make him happy, at least. Emmett winks at Bella.
Bella looks at me again, her cheeks a little pink and I can't help but smile, running my finger over her blush. I hadn't seen it in a long time. I wondered, briefly, what about Emmett's comment had made her blush. Part of me hopes it's Emmett's references to me as her boyfriend—as hers. The thought seems to warm my body. I'm even more content knowing that Bella couldn't hear Emmett's crude thought.
"Let's play, Bella." Alice moves the board towards Bella, the pieces already set up. Bella grimaces, biting her lip.
"I'm really no match for a vampire, Alice. Not one that can foresee the future."
"Alice isn't much of a psychic these days, I'm not sure you heard." Emmett chuckles, and Alice hisses at him angrily.
"Shut the hell up, Emmett." I growl, much too low for Bella to hear. Emmett rolls his eyes at me.
Alice pokes her tongue out, significantly less upset with his jab at her than I was. "I'm not entirely blind."
"Bella already knows, moron." Jasper tells me quietly. You think you're protecting her, Edward, but you just making her trust you less and less as you keep things from her.
A loud snarl erupts from my chest before I can even contemplate stopping it, and Bella turns to look at me, her brown eyes wide.
"Edward, it's fine. I knew already." Bella tells me quietly, touching my arm, grounding me. I ignore her, furiously glaring at Jasper.
"I'll play." Emmett tells Bella, pulling the board from in front of Alice. "I've never played a human before. I've heard your minds are slow."
Bella makes a face at him, slowly pulling herself from me so she can play properly. I hated the way the distance between us made me feel, even more so knowing that Jasper could feel my emotions. He shoots me a look, his eyebrows pulled together tightly, before composing himself.
"It wasn't too long ago that you were human, Emmett." She remarks quietly, her voice small and clearly lost in its earlier playfulness.
Jasper laughs, shaking himself from his thoughts about me. "Bella, I don't think you can trash talk until you've won the game."
Emmett flashes Jasper a quick smirk, turning to face Bella. Emmett briefly reminds Bella what each of the pieces mean and how they move, refreshing her knowledge of how to win – or, in his words, how to lose with dignity – the game with him. Her eyes narrow in concentration as she listens to every word Emmett says, nodding with understanding.
She looks tired. I should probably redo her blood work . . . She wasn't running a fever last time I checked. Carlisle is quietly observing Bella and Emmett as he enters from the garage, Esme's hand in his.
"Try to give Bella a chance, please." Esme says, smiling happily at Bella. She was incredibly pleased that Bella was finally doing something other than sleeping or trying to sleep. Oh, she looks happy.
"Yes, please, Emmett." Alice snorts.
Emmett laughs, "Never." He vows. Bella smiles shyly, watching as Emmett moves his pawn forward.
Bella's movements are hesitant, at first. Her hand hovers over each of the pieces, unsure of where to move them or how. But when Jasper strategically sneaks behind Emmett, offering her clues to advantageous moves with slight shakes of his head, her confidence begins to grow. I can almost feel Bella's giddy excitement through Jasper, and it pleases me that she's so happy right now considering the difficult night she had.
It doesn't take much time for Emmett to realize that he was beginning to lose, and his expression morphs to a mask of fury and annoyance as Bella takes her time sliding different pieces into the places Jasper deems correct. Emmett catches on easily to Jasper's cheating, and though he doesn't clue Bella into his knowing, he curses Jasper under his breath after each move. After just a few more turns, Emmett knocks over his own queen, announcing he had lost.
"Now can I trash talk?" Bella laughs, picking up his queen and inspecting it in her hands. She admires the handiwork, the intricate hand-carved details of the piece of wood.
"Please, I let you win." Emmett rolls his eyes easily, leaning back on the couch with his arm strewn over the back. He shoots Jasper the finger while Bella is looking away. Jasper only chuckles, settling down next to Alice.
"Right." Bella mumbles, her cheeks pink.
"Don't think you're any good, Bells, cause you're not."
"But I beat you." Bella exclaims, her eyes wild with emotions I had not seen in her in too long. I brush my hand over her hand, squeezing her palm in mine. She smiles at me, turning back to Emmett after a moment.
"There are numerous studies showing that winning early on helps humans develop an attachment to the sport so they continue playing. I'm only letting you win so you don't give up so easily." Emmett tells Bella, grinning as he resets the board.
"Sure." Bella mumbles. "I'll bet there are lots of studies on loss of chess skills with age."
She mumbles the words so quietly, but it makes Jasper – who had been sitting across the room – crack up in laughter. Bella blushes deeply as she spies him laughing at her words, and Emmett shoves Bella's shoulder lightly.
"Shut up the fuck up, Jasper." Emmett growls. "Bella, you're like my little sister, which is why I'm advising you not to trash talk me too hard."
"Jasper said I could once I'd won!" Bella protests, gesturing towards Jasper. Jasper snickers, clapping Emmett on the shoulder loudly.
"And one day, I'll show you my real skills and you'll never be able to say a word against me." Emmett threatens, knocking over the rest of her pieces.
"You're just losing it, Em." Jasper says. "Bella will destroy you when her brain is up to par with ours."
"Edward was probably helping you cheat over there." Emmett disagrees with a shake of his head. "I won't trust any game with you until he's gone!"
"I can fix that." Esme announces, smiling as she stands from the arm of the sofa. "Edward can join me upstairs." Edward, she's having some fun. Why don't we prolong it as much as we can?
I want to argue with Esme. I want to insist that Bella isn't fully comfortable without me besides her, judging by the way she constantly looks at me to make sure I'm still with her. But Carlisle and Esme are both encouraging me to leave her, to go upstairs with Esme and help her with some tasks she is overly capable of doing on her own.
"Get out of here." Emmett tells me pointedly. For real, Edward. Don't start growling at me from upstairs either if I look at her the wrong way.
"I'll be back." I murmur reluctantly, touching Bella's chin with my thumb. She smiles, some of her happiness diminishing from her expression as I stand and follow my mother upstairs.
Esme turns to me as we grace the third floor, her eyes wide with excitement. "She was smiling, Edward. And laughing! She's getting there." Esme looks utterly content, and I can't help my own smile that creeps onto my face.
"It's good that she's spending more time with everyone else, too. Jasper will make her feel more comfortable." Esme notes. We're walking to Carlisle's study, which I think has become our automatic location for any Bella-related discussion. "She hasn't been spending much time with Alice. They were having some issues, I think. But it seems that they're being resolved. Bella needs people to get through this. Oh, she looked so happy just now."
"I know, Esme."
"I should buy her some things. . ." Esme settles on the couch next to the large windows overlooking the backyard. She's smiling, her mind full of happiness, despite the wreckage Emmett and I had created outside. "Maybe coloring books or a journal. Anything to give her muscles some work." She refused all my offers before. . . but she now she's playing chess!
"I'm not sure Bella enjoys coloring very much." I mutter, dropping myself onto the couch across from Esme. I wasn't tired – no vampire could ever be tired – but I felt like I was.
"Painting, maybe?" Esme asks, tapping her finger against her chin. She smiles softly. "Carlisle bought me some paints when I was a newborn. They helped." I'll have to talk to her. . . See if she has a preference. I'm not sure she's done much art. Chess is nice, it gives her mind something to focus on. Maybe some more games or puzzles.
It bothered me that Esme was comparing Bella to herself, assuming that Bella would share the same preferences she did as a newborn. Carlisle had not bought Esme paints as a hidden form of therapy. He bought them for her because she loved them, because she had an artistic nature about her that hadn't ever been satisfied. As a woman in the early 1900s, Esme was constantly denied, and Carlisle disliked that. He spent years dotting on her every wish, and he continues to do so.
"Your situation was different."
My words have ripped Esme from her mental shopping list for Bella and she looks at me with sharp, somewhat surprised, eyes.
Not particularly. Esme grimaces unhappily. "It's all to make us feel small and inferior. To take the control away. I think it's about the same."
"We don't know that." I mutter in response. "The origin of the attacks was different."
"There's little reason for an attack sexual in nature." Esme responds quietly, tapping her fingers lightly on the couch. She shakes her head, standing up to retrieve her sketchbook. "It's similar enough."
"Bella isn't reacting the way either of you did."
Not at all. While Rosalie had reacted with pure anger and Esme had tried to forget it all, Bella was refusing to let herself move past any of it without acting on her anger. She was keeping herself confined in her nightmares and memories by refusing to speak about them. She was frustrated and angered by our hunting.
"How so, Edward?" Esme questions, turning her eyes to me. Her eyes were dark. She had sacrificed a lot to care for Bella, including her hunting.
I breathe in a short breath. "You both were angry, Rosalie more than you. But you, in a way, had a chance to mourn already, Esme. Your situation was extended over years. Despite regression in your initial stages with being a vampire, you weren't filled with grief the way Rosalie and Bella are. You just wanted to forget."
Esme nods, acknowledging my words, as she returns to her seat with her book. She's slow as she sharpens her pencils before responding to me. You aren't Jasper, dear, even if you wish to be. You are incredibly powerful in your abilities, but you miss things. "You can't know exactly what I was feeling. Maybe my thoughts, but not my feelings. Even if you have an inkling of an idea, it doesn't breach the surface."
"There's hardly a difference with trauma, Esme." My voice is quiet as I watch my mother.
Esme is quiet for a long moment, her thoughts considering my words. "I think you are misreading what Bella is going through."
"Am I?" my voice is harsher than I intend, but Esme doesn't comment on it. She's flipped open her sketchbook and I can hear her pencil tapping gently against the paper. She's not drawing, just thinking.
"I won't sit here and tell you what you're lacking, Edward." I feel others have been doing a fine job of that already. Esme murmurs, gazing up at me. "But I will tell you that you are too reliant on your gift, and you forget to converse. You forget that Bella is not like us. She can hide in her thoughts, even if she's terrible about lying to you about it."
"I know that's what she's doing." I was frustrated with Esme already pointing out what I knew. I knew Bella was hiding in her thoughts. She was keeping her dreams to herself, keeping her emotions and her pain to herself. She refused to talk about the attack, insisting she was perfectly fine. It was all lies and I'm sure Bella recognized her inability to lie. She simply did not care.
"It's about control, isn't it?" Esme prompts me, looking up at me to meet my gaze. She's so sure in her words and her movements that I can't argue with her. There was no reason for her husband to beat her except that he wanted to feel superior, to be the alpha.
"I took psychology." I mumble. I had two medical degrees and multiple PhDs. My degrees were endless, my experience endless. None of it was useful now.
Esme chuckles quietly. "Perhaps spending the better part of a century learning the arts was useful for me." She spies the blank page of her sketchbook. "It's taught me humanity, hasn't it?"
I want to disagree. Carlisle had more degrees than everyone in the family combined, and he seemed to have more humanity than the rest of us.
"Bella is not a case study in your psychology class." Esme reminds me gently. "She's your heart. Don't treat her as nothing more than an unresolved question on a test."
It's difficult for me to find words to respond. I hadn't done that, exactly. I hadn't exactly considered the psychology behind her behavior or the attack. I had left all of that to Carlisle.
Esme taps her pencil again, dragging it gently over the paper. "I took control back when I threw myself off a cliff. I had lost everything. My idea of love, my marriage, my son. I was taking everything knowing I could control nothing. Control, at least the sense of it in our lives, makes us feel capable. Even as a vampire, you feel inept without control, Edward. I'm sure you understand that now."
"I don't feel inept."
Esme smiles. Maybe not. But you're spending a great deal of time trying to control this situation. "My sense of control in my life after my transition let me heal from everything."
"Bella has control." I mutter impatiently, annoyed with her round-about words. Bella always had control. No one had taken that from her except for one person. "She's not healing regardless."
Give her credit for the progress she's made. She has very little control in her life right now. Not even the illusion of it. But she wants it, and we keep denying it from her.
"Esme, we're giving her everything." The impatience is seeping into my voice more than I can control it and I grip my fists.
Esme smiles softly again. "Yes, we're giving it to her. She's not demanding it." Esme sighs. The problem is, as much as I want her to ask for it, she won't. She won't ask food, she won't for medicine, she won't ask to speak to her mother. . . But she'll ask for you, Edward. She always asks for you.
"I'm here, Esme."
"If you truly were, she wouldn't have to ask." Esme murmurs gently. I know your intentions are good, they're to protect her. But she needs you more than she needs revenge.
"It's not revenge." I hiss.
Esme gives me a pointed look, reminding me to be better about my temper. "She has only made one request, Edward. Just one. She doesn't want you to hunt and you keep denying her that. She wants you to be next to her, to be with her. But you won't."
"Emmett already had this conversation with me."
"I know, dear. But I could sense your confliction last night anyway. I'm thinking Emmett's words didn't fully sink it." Esme's voice is so delicate, so motherly. But they hit me with such force. I know she's right, and so does she.
"It's irrational for her to want that." I growl, standing up starkly. I'm beginning to pace across around the room.
Esme leans back in her chair, watching me. You're going to upset everyone if you yell and that will only stress Bella.
I grit my teeth, stalking towards the windows. "Esme," my voice is hard as I try to breathe through my anger. "do you understand that I can't? That I can't let a monster walk away? I am not capable of it."
"My understanding is that you are capable of it, no matter how difficult. If it means the health of the one you love will improve. If it means that the one you love, who you can heal, is comforted and protected."
"He got to her through all of us, Esme." I hiss, my hand comes down too hard on the windowsill and it snaps to the floor. Esme's eyes flicker to the splintered wood and then back to me. "He can do it again. To her, to someone else. . . The only way to guarantee her safety is to kill him."
We'll protect her anyway we have to.
"She can't be a prisoner here!" my voice is too loud, and it makes Esme flinch.
"That hardly matters if she's a prisoner in her own mind, Edward." Esme responds evenly, if not a bit firmly. "Ultimately, we can't make her decisions for her."
A dark laugh slips from my throat and I glare at my reflection in the window. "That's a rich thing to say, Esme. Carlisle made decisions for every one of us."
"Do you regret his decision about you, Edward?" Esme pries. She's back to tapping her pencil against the paper of her sketchpad and the noise seems to aggravate me further.
"Do you?" I hiss at her. "He took your control away, didn't he?"
Esme grimaces, shaking her head. You've got it wrong. "He gave me another chance, Edward. He gave me a life where I could not be harmed. I didn't have to be frightened. You have made it quite clear that you're not willing to offer that to Bella right now."
"I can't." I snap.
Esme breathes. "Carlisle weight priorities, Edward. His priority was never to exact . . ." Esme pauses. You say it's not revenge, but I have no other way to put it. You want him to suffer the way Bella is suffering. That's your sense of control.
My body goes rigid at her thoughts, and I turn to glare at her. "It wasn't in Carlisle's priorities to protect other women?"
Carlisle had brought Esme home from the hospital and hadn't left her side at all for a week. He hadn't thought much about what had pushed Esme to suicide. He hadn't known about her husband or her son until Esme revealed it to her himself. She had pleaded with me not to tell him upon realizing I could read her mind. I kept her secrets to myself until she was prepared to discuss it with Carlisle.
"It wasn't in yours, either, if I remember correctly." Esme points out quietly. She takes a deep breath in, letting it out slowly. "You can't right all the wrongs in the world by becoming a murderer yourself."
"I'm already a murderer." I whisper. I open my mouth, hesitant to share my next thought.
"If you're so capable of caring for your family, I can't understand how you call yourself that." Esme tells me. "We've all made our mistakes." Maybe mine was allowing the one who harmed me to live. But we can't change that now.
"I spent ten years trying to find him and kill him." I mutter to her, pulling my gaze away.
"I'm sorry?"
"The man who harmed you all those years. . ." Esme's expression twists into something I don't understand. "I hunted him for ten years."
The revelated pains me. I'm not a tracker, and I never have been. I failed dismally trying to find Esme's husband. I failed my mate trying to find Victoria who was still alive and roaming the world. I was failing now while trying to find yet another monster who harmed Bella.
Esme doesn't react verbally, and it's difficult for me to keep myself from reading her thoughts, wanting to offer her some privacy to process my words.
"I preyed on rapists and murderers, Esme." I tell her quietly. "It was easy with my ability to read their minds. They didn't feel remorse."
I chuckle darkly then. Maybe this is my punishment then. My own lack of remorse for my crimes. My own mate being assaulted to atone for my sins.
Esme's expression is tight on her face. "I already knew this. . . Or I had hoped for it, anyway."
"I'm sorry if you didn't want to know."
I had been sure Carlisle knew. He must have understood how well I had taken to Esme as my motherly figure during those first years she was with us. Esme had taken several months to explain her predicament to Carlisle, to fully allow him to understand the depths of pain and suffering she had endured that drove her to suicide. But I knew it from the very first time she was brought to our home. Throughout transformation, she had assumed she was in hell for the sins she had committed during her marriage. For denying her husband her body, for hiding her pregnancy, for leaving him. . . She had assumed her son's death was payment for humiliating her husband and her family. As she was taught at the time, she was simply her husband's property and she had deprived him of it.
It's clear now that Esme had not known who I hunted during my decade long departure from our residence during my rebellious years. I'm not entirely sure how Esme feels about my revelation. Maybe the same as Bella feels about my hunting her attacker.
Esme presses her lips tightly together, nodding. "It doesn't change anything, does it?" You think so little of yourself that you have the judgement to call yourself a murderer for protecting your family and women.
"I'm not sure that it does. I've always been the way I am, I suppose."
I know you're capable, but it's a mother's and a mate's job to worry. The pain you felt when you imagined Bella dead those days in Italy, Esme visibly shudders remembering my trip to Volterra. Bella must feel every time she loses sight of you. If he is human, his crimes will die with him as they did with my husband. Otherwise, you'll have your time to hunt when Bella decides it's time.
Esme touches my arm gently before turning and slipping from the room quickly. She wanted privacy. Time to think. I can hear Carlisle conversing quietly with Esme before they both depart from the house by themselves.
I stay upstairs in Carlisle's office until the sun is well below the horizon. It's a long time spent away from Bella, even I recognize that, but I can't quite bring myself to go to her now. She had been playing chess and talking with Emmett for several hours before Alice whisked her outside to lay in the sun on the lawn. Jasper followed behind closely, keeping steady control of Bella's pain and anxiety.
I was thankful Bella was finally reconnecting with Alice, even if I could feel our own relationship slipping from my gasp. I tried not to pry into their conversation too much, until Bella began prompting Jasper and Alice about the hunt.
"Alice," her voice had been quiet, perhaps she was hoping we wouldn't be able to hear. "are you guys done now?"
"Hmm?"
"Hunting. . . Or tracking, whatever you called it." Bella's voice was just a whisper. A meek, scared whisper.
"We're currently preoccupied with a human detail. You see, sneaking away to the Rez means we have to put all our resources to keeping a certain human safe." Alice responds jokingly.
Jasper's thoughts are dark as Bella's voice shakes. I'll kill the bastard. I'll rip him limb from limb. . ..
"Oh. Sorry."
"If riding bikes with your dog makes you happy, by all means go kill yourself." Alice teases. "But just so you know, we're more capable of making sure you don't die."
"We've stopped for now. We don't have much information to go off." Jasper said. Please don't panic . . . "Which is where you come in."
"Jasper." I hear Alice whisper warningly.
"It's fine, Alice. She's fine." Jasper muttered quietly. She's not panicked at all.
"I don't want you to do this."
"It's not about you wanting it or not, it's about your safety. You're not going to be safe until he's gone." Jasper responds to her, his voice quiet. Fucking bits of limbs and shattered bones. He'll be fucking pieces when I'm done with him.
I'm a little surprised at Jasper's thoughts. He cared about Bella enough to sit in the hospital and make her feel more comfortable and to discretely follow her around the house to make her feel calm. But even still, I never imagined just how strongly he would want to protect her.
"Just imagine us holding you hostage for the rest of your life. Do you really want that?" Alice's tone held a joking end to it.
"You won't be safe. Not while being blind." Bella responds, completely ignoring Alice's comment about her protection.
Jasper scoffs quietly.
"I'm serious, Jasper."
"So are we." Alice sighs. "It's always a minimum of three to one, okay? All we need to do is find him and we can't do that without you telling us what you know."
Bella's heart stutters as she inhales a sharp breath. "I – I'm not. . . I don't remember."
She's a terrible liar. "I need you to try, okay? Think of it like the James situation – you are not safe until he is dead." Alice responds.
"What if you or Edward or anyone else gets hurt?" Bella cries, her voice quivering.
"Don't you remember how easy it was for us to kill James?" Alice asks. "It won't be nearly as hard. The bastard isn't a vampire, Bells. We'll get him."
"What if he's not easy to kill?" Bella argues. I can smell the saltiness of her tears as they roll down her face, and I can hear Alice debating if she's pushing Bella too much.
"Do you know that he's not, Bella?" Jasper asks, concern evident in his voice.
"Are you okay, Bells? Do you want me to get Carlisle?"
"I'm fine." Bella's voice is strangled.
When Bella falls silent again, and neither Jasper nor Alice prompt her to talk more, do I realize how long I had been listening to their conversation. I hadn't meant to interject myself into a potentially private talk between the three of them, but I had completely.
It was two parts of a scale I couldn't seem to balance with Bella – staying alongside Bella to protect her mental wellbeing and leaving her side in an attempt to protect her physically.
Keeping information from her spared her from stress, but only seemed to be detrimental to her when she found out. Rosalie heartily and loudly had disagreed with me on multiple occasions, insisting that by keeping information from her we were only teaching her distrust and encouraging her to keep secrets from us.
"It'll destroy her. Both you and Alice, Edward, both of you. You're only going to harm her further." Rosalie had screamed at us. Even when Emmett tried to calm her, she shook his hand off her shoulder and continued yelling. "You're going to drive her away from you and toward the dog. He tells her everything. He pushes her, even if she doesn't like it at first. How else do you think she survived while we were gone? The mutt made her get up and live. You coddle her back into bed every morning."
Carlisle was adamant about not allowing any of us to demand information from her, much to Rosalie's frustration. He insisted that when she was emotionally ready, she would talk to us. Jasper had calmed the room down before it escalated anymore and Rosalie had left without another word, effectively ending the conversation.
By midnight, under heavy influence of Jasper, Bella falls into a light sleep. She had been wandering around the house for hours, picking up objects and putting them down again, before she sat with Emmett to watch TV. It's only when I'm sure she's asleep that I eventually make my way downstairs.
A storm had brewed itself outside and lightening is flashing as consistently as the thunder shakes the house. Bella is leaning heartily against Alice's body when I step down to the sitting room. Rosalie has joined Emmett on the couch, both intrigued with their own reading materials.
"She's fine, Edward." Alice tells me, her voice slightly off.
"I'll take her to bed."
"No, don't." Rosalie tosses her book onto the table. It lands with a loud thump and my eyes flash to Bella, ensuring she hasn't woken up. "Don't worry. Jasper's taken care of her."
Rosalie's voice is cool as she speaks. "We need to talk."
"Rosalie, not now. She needs to sleep."
"She's sleeping just fine." Rosalie gestures towards Bella's still form. "Alice is more than capable of cajoling her back to sleep after a nightmare."
"Not now, Rosalie." I hiss at her.
"You keep fighting me, Edward, and I'll have Emmett step in." Rosalie growls back. I'm tired of you dancing around her trauma. The next time she wakes up, whether you like it or not, I get one hour with her to talk to her.
I scoff, shaking my head. "You can't just book time with her like that."
"No, not at all. But it's better than you swinging in and out of her life like a fucking teenage boy." Rosalie's voice is sharp as she jabs a finger in my direction.
"You're just going to frighten her, Rosalie." I hiss.
"And you're going to coddle her until she kills herself." Rosalie responds with a slight shrug. "She needs to learn independence and autonomy, Edward. Control, like Esme said."
"She has autonomy!" it's difficult to keep my voice at a reasonable volume knowing that Bella didn't need to wake up to arguing, and I can tell Rosalie is impatient with my attitude.
"It's nice to know Esme's words don't make a dent in your fucking skull." Rosalie snaps. You're here talking about control, telling Bella you'll protect her, and you promise you won't harm her when you leave and demand my husband accompany your sorry ass to find this bastard, you're leaving Bella broken behind you. You're fucking delusional. A self-righteous, arrogant. . . You call that fucking autonomy? You call that respecting her wishes?
"Don't pretend that you don't want him dead too." I interrupt her thoughts angrily, seeing red.
"Oh, I do." Rosalie's voice is venom as she responds, her eyes flashing. Her mind immediately goes to Royce and her other attackers who she killed without a single ounce of hesitance. "But don't pretend that you're doing that for Bella. It's all for your own comfort."
"She dreams about it every single time she sleeps. Don't tell me his death won't make her more comfortable."
"You don't know what she's dreaming about." Rosalie responds. "Maybe Bella is trying to preserve your relationship with her by not telling you anything. Did you think of that?" Rosalie hisses at me. "Maybe, she's not dreaming about the fucking attack and she's dreaming about all the ways you're going to break her because you don't fucking listen to her."
"I'm not going to leave her."
"She doesn't know that, fool! You don't fucking touch her anymore. I held my tongue before about your refusal to be intimate with her, knowing it would drive a wedge into your relationship. But now, it's all but destroying her. I don't give a damn about your relationship with her, but I swear if you kill her because of your own arrogance, I'll fucking destroy you."
"Don't think you know everything about relationships because you and Emmett can't keep your hands off each other. Bella isn't like that."
"No, she's not." Rosalie scowls at me. "You kept her innocent and now she's struggling to believe that she's good enough for you when her innocence was fucking stolen. And the best part is, you're trying to send her away!"
"To protect her! I'm not trying to get rid of her."
"Yes, that is exactly what you're doing!" Rosalie snaps. "You're trying to make her Renee's problem so you can hunt and track to your heart's content without worrying about Bella. You're driving her away from you, dammit. She didn't even hesitate before she ran to the mutt and if you keep pushing her away, she won't ever come back from La Push."
"Her relationship with him is over."
"No, Edward, it's conditionally fucked up over you." Rosalie's voice is so fierce it shakes me. She steps closer, her eyes blazing. "He was there the last time you fucking messed up and he'll be here when you mess up again. And this time, you aren't getting reparation. She's walking on eggshells around you because she's scared of how you'll react. Do you know how wrong that is? She's the victim here, Edward, and you're acting like it's about you. If you push Bella away, you're going to lose her forever and I swear to fucking God, no one will try to save you if you lose her again."
Rosalie glares at me and I am not capable of responding anymore.
"If you want to disregard her wishes and track, go do it. But you will not ship her off to Jacksonville and make her someone else's problem. You will not talk to her as if you care what she has to say and ignore every word. Bella deserves better than that, even if it's the dog. And if she leaves you and goes to the mutt, I will help her pack her bags. Esme doesn't know how to be harsh with you, Edward. But I'll remind you of her death every single day of your life if you kill her.
