A/N: Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter! I hope you guys enjoy this one
Trigger warning: discussion of SA/self-harm
Chapter 14: Cracks (BPOV)
"C'mon Bella." Alice pushes the tray toward me. The large bowl of ripe, plump berries stares mockingly at me.
"Alice, I'm not hungry." I almost shake my head, but I am quick to stop myself. Today my head was pounding relentlessly, leading to intense nausea. Head shaking meant more head pounding which meant more nausea.
"You haven't eaten in like. . ." Alice thinks for a moment, even though we both knew she had the time calculated to the second. "Sixteen hours. I haven't been human in a hundred years, but even I know you need food at this point."
"Is it really a hundred?" I mumble stupidly. What was the point in trying to change the subject? There was no distracting Alice. She rolls her eyes at my attempt.
"I personally don't care if you starve yourself, but my brother does. . . Carlisle, too."
I try to control my expression, but I can feel my features twist in disgust.
I couldn't help that ever bite of food made me want to gag – even when Esme personally went to the store and bought me the very best fruit and vegetables she could find. I simply could not stop the feelings of revulsion I had for food.
Alice plops down on the couch next to me, pulling her legs to her chest. "What's going on, Bells?"
I shrug, then wince. I want to ask Edward or Alice to hold me and wrap their arms around my torso. Their cool skin would ease the pain in my ribs. An alternative form of pain relief I had discovered. Carlisle had been very disapproving when he first realized my pain management strategy.
I glance around, then pause. I wanted Edward's arms but having him here would cut my conversation with Alice short. Our more candid conversation felt like one we would have alone before everything happened. Asking Alice to hold me might bring it to a steady close, as well. I didn't want it to end quite yet.
"A whole century, huh?"
Alice shakes her head at me. "Ninety-nine years." She sits down on the couch, folding her tiny legs beneath her. "I woke on July tenth. If we follow what we know about other transformations, I officially died on the seventh."
"So, that's technically how long you've been alive for. Since you don't remember your past life." I say, thinking about it. My best friend was just nine months away from being a century old, minus her human life.
"I suppose so." Alice's fingers play with a ripe raspberry. Her perfectly manicured nails made me a little jealous of my awful looking ones. I'm not sure when they became so broken and jagged.
"Are you going to have a party?"
Alice looks at me, her eyes wide in surprise. "A party?" her mouth forms a little 'o'. "I never thought I'd hear Bella Swan say that."
I ignore her jab at me, knowing she was right. But this conversation was keeping me from eating those berries. "Well, are you?" I press at her.
She smirks. "No. But I foresee plans being made . . . ." She puts the bowl of fruit onto the table. "We'll try with the food later."
I sigh, relieved, letting my head roll onto the couch. My eyes fall closed as exhaustion and pain wash over me.
"Don't think you're getting away with anything." Alice warns me, her high pitched voice somehow menacing. "You have to eat something before Carlisle sticks a feeding tube in you."
"He wouldn't." I mumble to her.
Alice's voice is dark. "Carlisle's compassion runs deep, Bella, but he doesn't have tolerance for stupidity. And he won't let you starve to death."
"Food makes me nauseous."
Alice shoots me an annoyed look. "Carlisle can give you something for that."
"No medicine." My voice comes out sharper than I intend, but Alice doesn't seem phased by it.
"Carlisle won't hurt you, Bella." Alice uncurls her legs, laying besides me. I lean my head onto her shoulder, liking the way it felt on my tender skull. "Anti-nausea meds won't make you drowsy."
"Doesn't matter." I shiver thinking about the needle needed to put the medicine in my body. It's too familiar to the pinch in my side four nights ago.
"Pills exist too. . . Isn't it the needle you're afraid of?"
No, it's the helplessness. The sedative that stops me from fighting. . . And the needle.
I shrug again, much slower and lighter this time to prevent my ribs from hurting.
Alice sighs, wrapping her arms around my body where she knew my ribs were always hurting. "Try to rest, Bells. Conserve your energy."
I curl closer to her body as Alice pats the blankets around my body.
After a few moments, the sound of my breathing seems too loud in the quiet room. Alice is entirely still for too long and that makes me anxious. It makes me feel alone and unsafe.
"Alice,"
"What, Bella?" she asks gently. She runs her fingers through my hair, her nails brushing comfortingly against my skin.
I hesitate, biting my lip.
"Spit it out." Alice tells me.
"Is it nice. . . not remembering?" my voice was so low that I almost hope she hadn't heard. Her breathing never faltered, nor did her hand in my hair. I wished I didn't remember every detail of my attack. Carlisle said memories could be prisons and he was right. My memories were prisons, especially when I could tell no one.
But she answers me, eventually. "Sometimes." Her normally bubbly voice was much flatter. "Sometimes I wish I could remember. I want to know what my human life was like. I know no other existence but this. Once, Edward and Emmett were talking about food they liked to eat when they were human. I can't remember eggs ever smelling or tasting appetizing, or apple pie. I don't know family beyond the one I had now, which is fine except I wish I knew where I came from. Before I met Jasper, I'd envision it often. I envision my father as a trader of some sort, maybe a banker. Something good. My mother as a socialite. That would make sense, given the time."
I listen to her, imagining her parents as she'd described. I wonder where she'd inherited her features from. Alice was so short and tiny. Besides her wide, curious eyes, her features were small and fairy-like. I wondered if she liked her hair short and always kept it that length.
More than that, I imagined how I might have been if I truly forgot. If Carlisle's assessment of my body and predictions of how I gained injuries would satisfy the possible confusion I'd face. What if I forgot after I became a vampire? Would that be any better? I'd only have to live the rest of my human life with these injuries and nightmares and then they'd be gone for good.
"And other times, I'm thankful I remember nothing. I don't want to know why I ended up in an asylum, though I can imagine it had something to do with my visions. Carlisle thinks I'm much too powerful to have not had them in my human life. I don't ever wish to remember what happened within the asylum. I've read books and I know those can never do justice to the true nature of those prisons." Alice's voice darkens considerably. "I've always wondered who put me there, or if I went on my own terms. Until James, I had no idea who turned me or why. Knowing what I know now, I want to know how I befriended the vampire and why he hadn't sucked me dry."
"Do you think it could have been like me and Edward?" I ask her.
She shrugs. "Perhaps. He died for me, Bella. I wish I knew why."
"Do you think you'll ever remember?" Was it possible for memories to be recovered after a hundred years?
"No." Alice answers shortly, she was braiding little bits of my hair now. "Vampires are frozen. We can't be hurt, we can't change. What is left of us after we form is what we live with for the rest of eternity. I will never gain my memories back."
I'm quiet as she finishes one braid, taking another small clump of my hair to start another one.
"Do you think I'll forgot?"
Alice's fingers stop and she stares down at me, her eyes wide. She doesn't utter a single sound and suddenly I'm worried I've upset her. Or given my lies away. Everyone thought I'd forgotten most of the attack – did I say something to clue her into my lying?
Biting my lip, I pull away from Alice. I hate how my body protests my movement, but I push my muscles anyway. Alice lets me pull away and the rejection burns me, springing tears into my eyes.
Does she hate me for asking? She must. Before the attack, Alice would've pulled me right back into her arms.
"Bella," Alice says slowly, swallowing hard. "I don't think that you will." A few stray tears fall over my cheeks and my throat aches. She touches my face hesitantly, wiping one of my tears. "I'm sorry, Bella. I don't understand what you're going through."
Alice is never unsure of herself. She confident in absolutely everything. Somehow, her uncertainty makes my chest hurt more.
I don't like the way she's changing with me. I don't like the way everyone is changing with me. All these relationships I have seem to be in thin ice. Each day, new cracks were etched in.
I wipe my face with the back of my hand. My dark thoughts wish I could just claw my eyes out. I hate my tears. I hate my eyes for betraying me with tears. I hate my throat for always aching whenever I start crying. And I hate my lips for quivering pathetically as I try to hold it all back.
What part of my brain is responsible for emotion? Maybe I could just claw that part out and give myself permanent brain damage.
Would Edward even want an emotion-less girlfriend, or does he prefer the broken, depressed one?
"Maybe Edward would change me faster if he knew it'd take me out of my misery." I mutter darkly. Alice inhales sharply.
Her eyes were dark and blazing with anger. "What about Charlie, Bella? And Renee? What about the mutt you so dearly love? You think you'll be the same without even remembering them?"
I stare at her, trying to copy her anger. I wanted to be angry at her. But I was simply pathetic, and my eyes were tearful instead.
"What about Edward?" She was furious with me. She's hardly ever furious with me. "You'd have to start over with him, Bella. Can you even imagine your relationship with him if you didn't remember the past year and a half?"
I don't respond to her and she shakes her head at me.
Panic was bubbling inside me now. She was so mad.
I spy the look on her phase – the thin set of her lips, the hardness in her eyes.
I could trace the cracks in our relationship. The hurt I had caused her brother. The hurt I had caused her. The danger I was putting her husband in.
I was going to lose her.
My fingers twitch, my mind flooding with a deep urge to claw the memories out of my brain and put an end to the madness I was enduring.
"Bella!" Alice's voice is sharp and loud in my ears, making me jump. Her hands are pulling at mine, and I realize I've pressed my nails so deep into the palm of my unbroken hand that I've cut into my skin.
"Oh, Bella." She moans. "Carlisle!" her voice was urgent, though no louder than a normal conversation.
"No, no. Don't call him." I tell her, shaking my head panicked. But it was too late, Carlisle was already besides us, his hands holding my palm as he examines the damage. I turn my head away from him, ashamed to even look at either of them.
Carlisle's hands are so gentle as he holds my hand in his.
"They're just surface cuts." Carlisle says softly. He procures a large bandage, covering up my palm. "Be careful, Bella, please."
His kindness tears at my heart.
I don't respond or even look at him as I let my hand drop onto my thigh. The weight of my hand dropping makes my bruises on my thigh ache. Everything aches. I was so sick of aching and hurting and throbbing. I wish it would stop. I wanted to be numb.
Now my palm would ache too.
"I'm sorry, Bella." Alice tells me quietly. "I didn't mean to make you panic."
I don't respond to her either. My palm is throbbing gently, but it's refreshingly to deal with compared to the rest of my body.
"I think it's time we get you out of here." Alice stands up, fierce determination in her eyes. "Let's go."
"Where?" I mumble. I did not want to move.
"It's not raining today. Let's go to the beach." She helps me off the couch, despite my protests and lack of effort. I groan at her only twice before realizing she is just going to ignore my protests as she always has before.
Then, resigning with defeat, I sit petulantly and let her help me into a thick jacket and my shoes before we climb into her car.
The ride is short and fast, full of her chiming laughter as she plays songs I've never heard before and tells stories of her early days with the Cullen family.
I listen, letting my eyes fall closed, as I enjoy a false sense of normalcy. If I squeezed my eyes closed while Alice chattered away, it felt like things were back to the way before. But then I'd twitch my fingers and feel the cast around my wrist or breathe too deeply and feel the ache of my ribs and everything would come rushing back.
"Here you go." Alice wraps a blanket around my shoulders, tucking it under my arms. The wind was whipping wildly on my cheeks and making my body shiver. Together, we trudge down the beach. It's not long before I can barely stand, and I let myself sink against a boulder that's still slick with rain from yesterday. Silently, Alice settles down on the rock besides me. She wraps her arms around me, holding me tightly against her.
It was a particularly cold day in Washington which wasn't unusual for April. Somehow it had occurred to Alice, on this terribly cold day, to bring me to the beach.
"Have your visions come back at all?" I ask her. Alice rolls her eyes dramatically, shaking her head.
"They were never gone, Bella." She responds bitterly. "You shouldn't listen to Emmett. You should know that by now." She sighs then, looking out at the waves crashing theatrically on the beach.
"But you haven't been seeing my future."
"I have visions. . . Just nothing remotely important."
"Oh." I mumble, pulling the blankets tighter around me. "What have you seen?"
"Nothing important, Bells. Like I said."
I grimace, slightly annoyed by her response. She answered my question, but she gave me no information. "What do you know?"
Alice is silent for a long time, her eyes watching the water. I almost think she won't answer me, and then she opens her mouth.
"We thought it might have been Victoria behind it all, but I didn't see her planning anything. And it doesn't make any sense for her to be involved, honestly."
"Is that your only theory?"
"Aro. . ."
"He has motive." I shiver, remembering the jealousy in his eyes when he discussed the strength of Edward's and Alice's gift.
"I didn't see him planning anything either."
I want to probe her about her reasons for believing it might be Victoria or Aro despite the lack of planning, but I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss that yet. There was no need to bring up the memories associated with those vampires on top of the nightmares I was already having.
"Actually," she sniffs. "I've been having a ridiculous number of visions about the vampires in Seattle. They've been reporting on it for just over five weeks – we all hoped they would be gone by now. But news seems to be spreading around the country, too."
"Why is it so concerning?"
Alice wraps her arms tighter around me. "They're not being very conspicuous. If this continues, the Volturi might step in which we don't want."
"They'll know I'm still human." I gasp, sitting up.
Alice grimaces, rubbing my arm to calm me down but it does little to quench my fear. "That's just one problem. Generally, we don't need Aro's guard walking around Forks wrecking more havoc. We're already tense with the mutts –"
"Did something else happen with the wolves?" I demand, cutting her off. Alice sighs, looking at me apprehensively.
"Things were never good with them, Bells. They've made it clear they won't care what happens to you. . . I suppose that shows you just how loyalty runs in their blood." She shakes her head in disbelief.
"Oh."
The wolves were always loyal to their own kind. I guess I wasn't one of them anymore when the Cullens came back to town. Hence Sam's disapproval of Jake hanging out with me.
"There are too many things – to many players involved. Things are changing too quickly for anything to make a semblance of sense to me. I feel as if my visions are incomplete, sometimes. Like I'm just seeing snippets of a decision before the decision is changed again." Alice continues.
"But you're not blind?"
"Not at all, Bella." Alice swears tightly. "I'm just. . . Things are slipping. But they are for everyone, aren't they? No one is on top of their game right now."
"Aren't you guys worried about that?"
Alice nods. "We're always worried when things concern you."
I bite my lip, slowly feeling a little pit of panic in my stomach. "I wish you would be less worried. I'll be fine."
Alice is quiet for a moment, and I find myself holding my breath until she responds.
"Bella, that's what we keep telling you, isn't it? That you shouldn't worry about us, that we'll be fine."
"That's different." I twist around, pulling my eyes away from Alice's. "It's safe at home."
"We're not incapable, as you should know by now. I'm certainly not blind and Edward is not deaf. Jasper's just fine, too. Emmett's muscles have never once failed him." She goes quiet for a moment before continuing. "But we can't do anything without information and believe me, Edward has driven us all to the ends of the Earth trying to get it. But he won't let us talk to you."
I shiver uncomfortable in Alice's arms. I didn't want to talk about it. There wasn't anything to say.
"I do have to agree with Rose now, though. You're far more important to us than revenge and most of us have gotten to understand that point."
"Not Edward."
Alice sighs. "Not Edward."
I'm biting my lip again, chewing on my skin as I think about Edward. I was sure he was in the house – I could feel the tense atmosphere. But he hadn't tried to stop Alice from bringing me here. He hadn't even asked where we were going or asked me if I wanted to go. He hadn't put up a fight with Alice about forcing me into something I didn't want like he normally would have. He hadn't even reacted to my self-inflicted injury.
"Was he home?" I whisper, tracing the outline of my bandage.
Alice hesitates. "Yes."
I stare down at my palm. Edward would have fretted over the simple cuts before. He should have demanded Carlisle layer antibiotics and topical medicines over it today. But he hadn't even come into the room.
"What are you thinking about, Bells?"
I shrug slowly, hugging the blanket closer around my face to protect my freezing skin. "I'm not so sure he loves me anymore."
"He's never loved anyone as much as he loves you."
"You don't know that."
"I do." Alice vows quietly. "Edward confides in me more than anyone else, Bells."
"He won't even look at me." I whimper, my throat constricted by a lump. "He asked me to go to Phoenix, and he won't talk to me or look at me. He doesn't touch me unless I ask him to."
"He's needing to come to terms with things, too." Alice responds quietly. "Even if he's being an ass while he does it."
"That I'm not a virgin?" the words slip out of my mouth so bitterly and I feel tears prickle in my eyes as I say it. I'm not anymore. But I think Edward wanted me to be until we got married. I think that's why he refused to be so intimate. Why he wanted to marry me before he turned me.
"No, that's not it." Alice's voice is hard, and I know that her eyes flash a certain way when she uses that tone. "He's always looked to Emmett and Carlisle with so much respect for their demeanor with Rose and Esme. I'm not sure he's ever imagined he would be facing a similar situation with you. I think he thought the struggle of his past, and yours, was over."
"He's just a broken as me."
"Yes, and while you are capable of realizing you need others to rely on in this difficult time, Edward does not. He's stubborn. He's been alone and very nearly independent for a century." Alice admits, her voice distant. She presses her lips into a fine line. "In all my time knowing him, he's never once thought he would be so dependent on someone the way Jasper and I are to each other. He's struggling with it now."
A hundred years believing you didn't need someone might make it easy to leave them before you can realize you do need them.
The jagged edges of the rock beneath me spring thoughts about ice again. Cracking ice that we're all standing on. That Edward and I are standing on.
"The problem is that Rosalie is too harsh with him. She's right, but she makes him upset and feel guilty and so he pushes away what he needs to think about. Esme is too soft. She wants him to think about what's going on, but she's trying not to let the guilt eat him. She's being a mother."
"Guilt? Why?"
Alice surprises me by laughing darkly. "Bella, we're all feeling guilty. We all let this happen to you." She retorts sourly. "It's just that some of us are more proficient at dealing with it."
"You don't have to feel guilty."
"You don't have to feel like a burden. But we do, don't we?"
I look away from Alice, following her gaze towards the waves crashing at the sand. There were dark clouds looming over the ocean, slowly inching their way over our heads. It would probably start raining soon. She felt guilty, and I felt like a burden. What a ridiculous relationship we had.
We sit in a silence for a few moments until I slowly sit up, pushing Alice's blanket off my shoulders.
"I'm going to walk around." I mutter. Alice doesn't respond as I push myself off the boulder were sitting on, walking towards the cold water. The sand was wet and cold and hardly shifted under the pressure of my feet.
I'd walked many beaches like this in La Push with Jacob and the thought made me shiver with anger. He hadn't called me or even visited. He had told me he wanted me dead and then disappeared. Charlie was still going to La Push often – I'm sure he slept there most nights instead of at his own home. I can't imagine he'd be able to stay under the same roof his daughter was violated under.
Charlie hadn't said a word about Jacob on any of his visits to see me or his phone calls. He was more adamant about me spending time with Jake when Edward and his family came back. But now, it seemed as if Jacob only existed in my own haunted mind.
I feel Alice's cool hand on my back. I had gotten too used to their silence.
"Bella, none of this is your fault, but you're carrying the weight for everyone." Alice says quietly. "What can we do to help you?"
"I don't know."
A few droplets of water splattered from the sky onto the sand besides me, making little dents and pivots in the grains. I'm not sure if the droplets on my cheeks are tears or rain. I've been crying more often than I realize these days and I can't always tell.
"I want to just forget." I admit finally. I want to forget everything. My head is beginning to hurt – right at the base of my neck. Carlisle had pointed to my neck several days ago asking me about it. He told me my headaches might be stress related. Maybe he was right.
"I wish I could make you forget." Alice tells me solemnly. She sighs, kicking her the toe of her boot into the sand. "That's all any of us want for you, Bells. We just want you to get better."
I shiver at her words, thinking about how long it might take me to forget my dreams and my fears. I might never get over the shooting pains that I get when Edward isn't beside me, or the cold panic in my stomach that constantly following me, or my stupid inability to smell bread cooking without nausea choking me. I almost threw up when Esme brought me a grilled cheese sandwich to eat a few days ago. After that, she learned not to make me anymore of those sandwiches even if she didn't know that it was the lunch I made before my intruder made an appearance.
"I'm not sure I'll ever be the same."
"Aw, Bella." Alice sounds so sad when she speaks and it makes me hurt and feel guilty at the same time. "You . . ." She huffs finally, shaking her head. "None of us can ever expect you to be the same. And it's not fair on you for us to expect that and it absolutely not fair for you to feel like you should be the same."
"I want to be my old self, Alice!" I cry. "I wish the biggest problem in my life was that Edward and Jake hated each other and that Edward was scarred he'd kill me accidentally if he touched me. But now, Jake hates me, and Edward hates me, and he can't even look at me!"
"He doesn't hate you, Bella." Alice responds. She was normally so expressive, but now her expression was tight. There was nothing to read except the grimness in the way she held her lips together and her eyes towards the ocean. "He could never."
"He doesn't love me either." I swallow thickly, trying to wrap my mind around that. He promised he would always love me. He promised that he had been lying when he left me in the forest.
"It seems that way, doesn't it?" Alice sighs, glancing at me. "I suppose I'll have to go beat some sense into him, won't I?"
"I'm not joking Alice." My voice held a little note of offense.
"I'm not joking either."
"He proposed to me, you know."
"I know."
Of course she knew. She knew everything, before. Now, she knows almost nothing.
My heart sinks, pain rushing through me with every beat. "He wanted to marry me."
"He still does."
My face is definitely wet because of my tears now. I can feel them, hot and thick, as they roll down my face against the cool droplets from the sky. This was worth crying about.
He wanted to marry me before. He told me he was old in his ways. He told me, to him, marriage meant professing our love forever. But that was before I broke the rules. That was before I lost my innocence.
"He was going to change me himself." I mumble. "He wanted to make a deal with me. He would change me if I married him. I didn't want Carlisle to do it."
"I know, Bella" Alice responds.
"That's all gone now, isn't it?"
"I don't know."
"Do you still see me as a vampire? Do you see that we're together?" I ask her, stuttering through my words a bit. Did I want to know the answer to that?
"Bella," Alice's voice falters and the lack of strength in her voice makes my heart drop to my stomach. "Fragments. . . Glimpses. . . That's all I'm getting right now."
I can't explain the pain that shoots through me. It settles in my stomach, pulsing with every breath. My future wasn't so set in stone anymore. My future with Edward was wavering.
"I don't want to talk about him anymore."
"That's fine. We'll face pebbles before mountains, won't we?" Alice asks, linking her arm in mine. "In the meantime, why don't I get you home before you freeze to death? I'm certain someone will kill me if you die on my watch."
I nod slowly, wrapping my arms around my torso as we walk back to Carlisle's Mercedes that Alice had borrowed. The sand beneath me seems incredibly unsteady as I walk and I can't tell if it's from the shivers quaking my body or my headache. I'm grateful when we reach the car, eagerly climbing into it to escape the cold and the rain.
The hum of the car beneath me is incredibly comforting. Alice lays the blanket over me to quiet the shivers wrecking my body before throwing the car into reverse and speeding home.
"Thanks for bringing me here."
Alice smiles at me, a small happy smile. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. We should come out more often – no one likes being cooped up in the house." She gasps then, smiling widely. "What if we drive to L.A.? Oh, I bet I can get you there and back in just ten hours!"
I smile, uplifted by Alice's enthusiasm. "You know your driving freaks me out."
"Yeah, get used to it." Alice sticks her tongue out at me childishly, pressing the button to the radio. Music I don't recognize starts playing loudly and Alice hums along to it as she drives.
I don't speak the rest of the drive – partly because of the music playing loudly in my ears, but mostly because my outing with Alice has exhausted me beyond understanding. The words we had spoken in the privacy of the beach were echoing in my mind. Alice insisting Edward loved me, and me insisting he no longer did. It was exhausting hoping Alice was right and wishing I was wrong.
I must have dozed off at some point during the drive because when we're slowly crawling into the garage, I realize I hardly remember the drive home. My muscles are weak as I open the door, pushing myself to step out into the garage. Alice is by my side in a fraction of a second, grabbing my waist to help me stand.
"Are you okay?" she demands, her voice sharp. "You almost collapsed."
"Oh." I grasp Alice's arm, willing my legs to do their job and hold me up. It's a bit of a struggle at first, but eventually my limbs figure out how to function and Alice lets go of most of my weight. She walks attentively besides me as we head inside and I want to get mad at her for treating me like I'm so fragile, but I'm more than capable of recognizing that I'd probably be crawling into the house if it wasn't for her.
"What happened?"
"Nothing. I just got dizzy." I mumble. I sink into the cushions of the couch, resting my head in my knees. It wasn't a lie – the room was spinning around me. But I'm sure it had everything to do with my headache that was worsening. "I'll be fine."
"Have you eaten today?" Carlisle's voice surprises and I jump a little bit. He's crouching in front of me, staring at me quizzically.
I nod slowly, aware that it'll only make my headache – and dizziness, by extension – worse. "I had pasta."
"That was yesterday, Bells." Alice whispers.
"Oh." I mumble, feeling my cheeks heat.
"Were you asleep on the drive?" Carlisle questions, touching his fingers to my wrist.
I open my mouth to answer, but Alice beats me to it.
"No." Alice responds firmly, her voice certain and filled with confidence. I frown at her expression of confidence. I had fallen asleep. I must have. The drive to the beach was too long for me to have just dozed off in my thoughts for that long.
"Hmm. . ." Carlisle hums, pulling his fingers away.
"I'm fine. It passed." I murmur to them, pulling my arms toward my torso again. "I was just tired, I think."
"Can you eat something? Something small, just to satisfy me." Carlisle says, offering me a small apple. He must have gotten it too quickly for my eyes to comprehend, and I accept it without a word. "Will you let me know if you remain dizzy, Bella?" he asks, his voice firm.
I nod again and he offers me a small, grim smile before standing up fully.
"We won't go out for so long next time." Alice promises, patting my hand. "I think I wore you out too quickly, huh?"
"Maybe." I take a small bite of the apple, pleased when Carlisle smiles at movement. It pleases him enough that he leaves the room without another word.
The apple is sweet and juicy, but not at all appealing to me no matter how many bites I force myself to take. Eventually, my stomach isn't able to handle it anymore and I walk, slowly and carefully, to the kitchen to discard it. Alice isn't hovering near me now and I'm not sure where she ran off to. She'd left almost immediately after Emmett and Jasper walked into the room to play some chess together. It was clearly an attempt to have someone always watching me.
As annoying as it was, I am grateful for their constant need to care for me. I sit quietly with Jasper and Emmett for a long time, watching them move the little wooden pieces around the checkered board. Jasper's calming influence was a welcome break from my ragged panic and despair, and I wish I could just follow him wherever he went to soak up all of his energy. Eventually, though, Emmett's muttering in response to Jasper's moves starts to make my head hurt and the soothing waves from Jasper were doing little to relax the pain.
Finally, when Emmett's growls towards Jasper start shaking the couch and making me queasy, I called it quits and stand up to leave. Jasper offers me a small, apologetic smile as I escape out the front door to the porch, which had become my new haven.
The porch swing is cold from the wintery breeze, but the blanket that I've grabbed from the bench by the front door is more than enough to keep me from freezing.
Esme isn't out planting flowers today. She was yesterday, and I watched her from the porch as she hummed in quiet contentment the entire time. Despite her work, the entire yard is a wreck. Trees were splintered throughout the lawn and the normally level turf was displaced. There must have been a bad storm I'd slept through.
Now, the outside world was entirely quiet except for the occasional rustle of tree branches. The wind is cold on my face as it brushes past me and it's a strange difference from the temperature inside. It's never been too hot or too cold in the house – always the perfect temperature. Everything was perfect inside. Except me.
I swallow thickly, feeling a small lump in my throat. Renee's house is far from perfect. It's consistently smelling of burnt food and filled with clutter of forgotten hobbies. Phil would also be there. Phil had kept his distance from this situation, respectfully. He had sent regards on multiple occasions through Renee but never once demanded to be overly involved. He would have to be involved if I was living with them.
I pull the blanket tighter around my body, feeling a coolness sweeping through my bones. It wasn't the outside making me cold. It was something internal now. Esme and I had talked more about me leaving after dinner last night. She was clearly against it, but strongly supportive of me doing what I felt was good for me. She had agreed to talk to Renee and explain what had happened and what the situation would be moving forward when I decided it would be best.
It was clear I was not meant to live in this house, and it was painfully obvious that I could not live with Charlie anymore. But the prospect of subjecting Renee to the harsh reality of what happened to me was terrifying.
The bench jerks just the tiniest bit in the steady swinging motion it had been stirring in. I swallow thickly, feeling my stomach drop just a bit. I had gotten better are recognizing the smallest movement, the small signals Edward was giving me to let me know he was near me in his silence. It's no surprise that when I turn my head, the statue of Edward is sitting beside me. His perfectly marble eyes staring where mine had just been. He's quiet, grim looking.
"You're thinking about leaving." his voice is quiet and monotone. He doesn't look at me still, and it takes a lot for me to force my eyes away from him.
"How did you. . ." I trail off when his eyes meet mine. They're so dark. . . He hasn't hunted in a long time.
"Jasper." He mutters, his eyes flickering back to the forests.
"Oh." Of course, Jasper would have felt my mood. I wasn't privy to privacy from Jasper the way I was from Edward. Had Alice seen me going to Phoenix? Would she have said something to me if she did, or if she hadn't? I'm not entirely I've solidified my decision.
"I know I'm incapable of helping you right now and I'm sorry for that." Edward says. "But Esme and Carlisle aren't. They're more capable than anyone else."
I can't answer for a long time because he's right. He isn't helping me. It's painfully obvious that he isn't, but it's stupidly apparent that I want him to and that I need him. Alice said he hadn't ever envisioned depending on anyone, but I have always depended on him.
"It's not them I need right now."
"It's not your mother, either." Edward says. "You believe it, too. That's why you haven't gone yet."
"I'm just trying to figure out how to not hurt her."
"That's the problem." He grimaces, still not meeting my gaze. "Don't spare other people pain and inhibit your own recovery."
"Should I not spare you pain?"
Edward laughs darkly, and I can see him squeezing his hands into fits, stretching his white skin over his knuckles. "It's not me I'm worried about. Don't I deserve pain for hurting you this much?"
I grimace, wanting to disagree with Edward's comment. He never deserved pain. No one did. "I can't stay."
"You can't go."
"I am, Edward." It hurts me to say his name. It sends a shock of pain through my chest. There's a small lump in my throat that I try to swallow, but it doesn't want to leave. I don't want to leave. Maybe I'm only saying this to elicit a response from him.
"You can't make a decision." Edward mutters. "You're trying to, but you know that you need to stay."
"That's not true."
"Alice can't see you going."
"Does she see me staying?" Or did she not see anything at all. Just little snippets she can't make sense of as I try to make up my mind.
Edward presses his lips tightly into a thin line, his marble features changed into something I can't quite figure out. "I'm sorry I'm not what you need right now. I'm not sure how to be."
"Just be here." I whisper, feeling my voice crack.
Don't cry. Don't cry. It was a mantra in my head. Don't be weak. Don't be pathetic.
Edward glances at me, his jaw hard. "Then why are you trying to go?"
I look away from his dark eyes, wishing there would be a curtain to protect me from his eyes. I didn't want him to see my tears anymore. "You told me to leave."
Edward's cool fingers on my hand make me jump in surprise. "You're going to cut yourself." He murmurs, pulling my fingernails from my palms. His hand leaves mine too quickly and my body aches at the absence of his touch.
"I'm going where I'm needed."
Edward swallows forcefully. "Renee doesn't need you like I do."
"Then why do you keep leaving?"
"I can't help you and I can't stay to watch you be in pain." His voice is so quiet that I struggle to hear. "The only thing I can do is hunt, Bella. It's all I can do."
"You can stay with me."
"I can't." His voice is exasperated and loud as he turns to look at me and I cringe at his anger.
I shiver involuntarily, pulling the blanket closer to my body as if that might help. I can't find it within me to respond for a long time and Edward remains silent.
"You said once. . ." I start and Edward looks at me, waiting. "You said that you loved me more because if it came down to leaving. . . If it came down to protecting me, you would hurt yourself to keep from hurting me."
"Always, Bella."
"You told me I would never have to make that choice."
"No, you don't." Edward responds, his gaze moving towards the trees again.
"He's going to kill you." I murmur finally. A shiver rolls down my spine, remembering the cool words uttered in my ear. I can feel his hands on my wrists again, his knees pressed into my stomach.
Edward looks at me, his expression unsurprised.
I swallow a lump that's erupted in my throat. My hands run over my body, trying to push the memories away. "You were wrong then. I do have to make that choice."
"I know you've doubted my love for you, I don't need Alice and Esme to tell me that." Edward continues, his voice level again. "Bella, I love you more than my own life. So, you might be able to understand why I can't care so much about my life as I do yours. I'll die happily if it means you're safe."
It's my turn to laugh now. It's a painful laugh and I can't help the way it makes the cold settle deeper and deeper in my stomach. "There's no revenge in suicide, Edward."
He frowns at me. "There's courage in trying."
"No, there isn't." I hiss at him, angry now.
"You being alive is all I need."
I turn my eyes towards his, furious with his calm expression. "It's conceited. I'm not allowed to kill myself after you commit suicide, but you can when I do."
Edward stares at me, processing the events leading to our trip to Italy. "Alice said you didn't jump on purpose." He seethes.
"Was this before or after she told you it was recreational?" I snort quietly and Edward's eyes narrow. "I suppose it's only courageous if you're suicidal."
Edward's jaw is tight as he turns his gaze away from me. "God, Bella." His voice is exasperated, and it pleases me. He sounds just as tired as I feel.
"Maybe you don't love me," Edward hisses at my words, but I ignore him. "but you didn't give up on me this easily before."
"I haven't given up on you."
"Alice said you don't want to be dependent."
"Alice is wrong." Edward snaps. "I've never been more dependent on anyone."
"Neither have I." I respond. "But you're not dependent on me right now."
"How can I possibly place by own burdens on you, Bella?" Edward asks me.
"I've placed mine on you."
"No." Edward shoots me a dark look. "You haven't at all."
"Oh." I look down at my hands. They're pale in the cold. My nails are biting into my palms again and I work to loosen them. My joints ache as I let my hands rest open on my legs.
It's quiet again. Neither one of us saying anything or wanting to break the silence.
"Alice called us dysfunctional."
Edward smiles then, a small crooked smile. "Dysfunctional is a kind of her, comparatively."
"She's upset with both of us, I think."
"No." Edward sighs. "Just me."
"Rosalie is, too."
"They all are." Edward grimaces. "I can't quite figure you out, though."
I run my tongue over my lips, noting how dry and cracked they feel. I didn't know what I was feeling either. Not in this moment and not ever.
"You can speak freely." Edward mutters. "They're all gone."
I look at him, surprised. He's looking out at the forests again. "Where'd they go?"
He shrugs. "Does it matter?"
"I guess not."
Edward sighs. "Rosalie swore she's tear me apart if I made you angry, though. She's finally taken to you, it seems."
"I'm surprised."
"I'm not." Edward smiles. It's a sad smile. Something inside me stirs at his expression. I haven't seen Edward happy, or, at the very least, amused, in a long time.
"Are you mad at me?" I whisper.
"Hardly."
"Why won't you look at me?" my voice is so meek, just a whisper in the quiet yard. Edward's eyes flicker to my face.
"I look at you and I see the bruises." He traces my cheek gently where I'm sure the remnant of a bruise are. I haven't looked in the mirror since before the attack, but I know there's a bruise on my cheek judging by the pain. "And all I can think about is what men are capable of . . . What I didn't protect you from."
"Is that why you won't touch me?" I'm not sure my voice can get anymore pathetic now, but I've been pushing boundaries to a lot of things lately. If Edward didn't consider me weak before this, then I'm sure he does now.
He pulls his eyebrow together, eyeing me quizzically. "I'm not sure I understand."
I swallow forcefully, trying to push back the lump. I turn away from Edward, hoping he won't see the tears in my eyes. "He touched me." I whisper, losing my composure.
Edward growls. "You are not used." His voice is menacing.
"I'm not clean anymore."
He growls again, louder than before. "Don't you ever say that, Bella!" He's towering over me, his face hard.
I didn't realize there were tears dripping down my face until Edward is wiping them away with his thumb, pulling me closer to him. Edward holds me for a long time and, beneath the heart wrenching sobs that are wrecking my body, I'm shocked that I'm so comfortable in his arms.
"I don't care about any of that, Bella." Edward tells me firmly. "I never did."
"You wanted to wait. You wanted to get married."
"I wanted you to be mine, Bella. I still do." Edward whispers. "I wanted you."
"Then what changed?"
"How can I possibly touch you knowing where your mind will go?" Edward admits quietly. "I can't do that to you. Maybe one day, but not now."
"You can't read my mind."
Edward rests his forehead against my head. He breathes against my cheek. "I can read Jasper's when he feels your panic. It obliterates him."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize." Edward mutters. "Don't feel sorry for your grief."
"You can't touch me or look at me and I can't apologize. Alice is right." I almost laugh between my tears and Edward shakes his head against mine.
"Don't go, Bella." His voice is broken. "It's incredibly selfish of me to ask you, but I am. I'm asking you to stay here for me. Hopefully I'll prove to you that I'm better." Edward wraps his arm around my waist as he holds me.
"You know what I need from you." I whisper, clutching his shirt. He touches my face with his fingers, hesitantly pressing his lips gently to mine. The movement is a bit shocking at first, but then I remember the way his lips feel on mine and I find myself pressing closer to him as he wraps his lips around mine.
"I think we're out of practice." I mumble quietly when he breaks away. I'm feeling a bit lightheaded, and for once, it's not because of my headache.
"We might have to start this over." He murmurs, tracing my lips with his finger. "For me."
