Chapter 36

Previously: Sam was lamenting her situation with Freddie over the years to Carly, telling her some things she never had before.

"But you might be right, Fredbag and I didn't necessarily break up when you thought we did. Sure we quit with all the cutesy little nicknames and PDA but we still hung out; we were still friends and there were some friendly benefits if you know what I mean. And yes, I was responsible for that hickey, I remember that day well, and a couple of others."

"Others? Like, plural? Like more than once?"

"Too many times to count." Sam verified with a nod.

"Sam!" Carly gasped and put her hand over her mouth. "You guys really, like, did it. Way back then? And too many times to count? Why didn't you tell me? Wait, does this make you bi?"

"I told you what happened in L.A. was just experimenting. And me and him didn't necessarily do 'that' back then, but we did other stuff and I didn't say anything because it wasn't really any of your business."

"Well, where? I mean, how?"

"His place usually. You know Crazy has worked night shift for years. I actually spent the night with him as much as your place there for a while. But there was a few times in the studio. And your room that weekend you were in Yakima. Oh, and once in Spencer's room. And Spencer's couch. Well, that was kind of half on the couch, half on the coffee table."

"Oh my God!" Carly gasped and closed her eyes.

"And before you over think this, we weren't an official couple so don't go beating yourself up because you went and slobbered all over him the day you left for Italy." Sam shifted the conversation suddenly to something that had been bothering her for years.

"There was no slobbering, it was just a weird, awkward kiss." Carly defended. "I shouldn't have ever done that."

"It still wasn't cool because he was my ex but that was so long ago, I don't care. I got over it. Plus I guess it was sort of my fault for not telling you about his and my arrangement anyway. But what we had, that all went out the window when I went on my little sabbatical and ended up in California and he started boning my twin sister and every other girl in our class now didn't it?"

Sam went on to explain what happened when he visited her in Venice, spring break of his freshman year of college.

"I thought him and I reconnected when he got hurt that time in L.A. because we really reconnected. I mean, we damn near went all the way the weekend he got out of the hospital. I thought we had something and were kind of back to our old deal."

"You mean your friendly benefits?" Carly smirked.

Sam nodded and drew in a breath before sighing. "But I guess we weren't anything as far as he was concerned because next thing he's back in Seattle snaking Wendy and Valerie and somehow knocking up Melanie. I had no idea he was doing all that. So a few months later, I moved home and we picked up where we left off, right where we left off if you know what I mean. And it was the happiest time of my life. I love him, er loved him, we talked about moving in together and everything when he was done with his bachelor's degree. But that's when I found out about him and Mels having a kid and I sort of lost my shit."

"Yeah, I know." Carly said sadly and touched her friend's hand. "You've told me about that part, you don't have to re-live it, Sam."

Another deep breath from Sam. "Well, what I didn't tell you was that just because I hated him didn't mean I wasn't still in love with him. And that leaving him back then, five years ago, it was the worst mistake of my life. And I know I totally effed up his life by doing it, not just mine."

Carly silently looked at her, puzzled.

"He got back together with Melanie, who only ended up breaking his heart and then there's that poor little girl caught in the middle of their frickin' drama." By now, Sam was full on crying.

"If I wasn't such a bitch, if I would have just swallowed my pride, forgiven him back then and worked it out. Life would be better for everyone. Him and I, we would be together. Hell, we'd probably be married and he would have never married my whack job of a sister. So me and him and Alex, none of us would be in this god damned eternal holding pattern because he's too spineless to actually divorce her and move on with his life." She stood angrily.

Poor Carly was confused and worried at the same time. "Sam? What are you saying? You're going around in circles and I'm just not following."

The blonde sat back down beside her friend. "Didn't you hear me? I love him, Carly. I love Freddie, alright? I can't help it! I love Alex and I love being in their lives and since I'll never, ever have a kid of my own this is as close to having a real family as I'm gonna get!" Sam sobbed and collapsed into Carly, crying like she never had before.

Carly put her arms around her shaking friend. "Don't say that Sam. We're 26. You could meet someone tomorrow and fall in love and start a family of your own."

Sam just shook her head 'no' violently.

"Sam, where is this all coming from? You can, I mean, you could. If you really wanted to. You just have to put yourself out there."

"No. No, I can't. I'll never meet anyone I want to be with because all I want is Fredward fuckin' Benson. Every guy I've ever met, every guy I've even went out with, I compare to him. No one measures up. No one does it for me because I can't get over a nub a dated in high school. Do you remember that Derek guy I told you about when I was living with Jade and them the other year?"

"The paramedic? Yeah. What happened with you guys anyway? I just assumed you broke up or he ran off or something because all of a sudden you quit talking about him."

"It was kind of complicated." Sam wiped at her mascara streaked face. "But . . . I called him Freddie."

"You called him Freddie. Like, seriously?" Carly chuckled. "That's all? And he got all wazzed off about it just because you mistakenly called him by the name of your ex? What a tool! You were like, 'hey Freddie, let's get pizza tonight' to him? What's the big deal? Everybody slips up once in a while."

Sam gave a look like there was much more to the story.

"It's not like you said it when you guys were . . . " She stopped talking and her eyes got wide as Sam nodded.

"I said it in bed!" Sam sobbed into Carly's chest. "The very first time we ever went all the way. I called him Freddie when, I, uh, . . . like, at that one climactic moment."

"Ohhhh, Sam." Carly used the same tone she always did when she shot down fourteen year old Freddie's advances.

"He stopped like he was doused with cold water. I didn't even think he finished. I cried myself to sleep, he was gone the next morning and never called me again."

"Well, it's his loss. Yeah, that was not the best of timing but if he couldn't forgive you for that, he was a complete ass hat." Carly cracked. "He didn't deserve you."

"That's not the worst part, Carls." Sam buried her face in her hands. "A couple of weeks later, something happened. Or should I say something didn't happen."

Carly was clueless and just looked puzzled.

"Aunt Flo didn't come for her monthly visit." Sam sniffed and Carly still looked confused. "He got me pregnant, Carls. I don't know how, what happened, I thought he used a . . . protection, but I guess it slipped or tore or he took it off, whatever. Hell, like I said, I didn't even think he finished. For all I know, a couple of his little swimmers slipped down there one of the other times when we played around. I have no idea but somehow I was late."

"You never said anything." Carly gasped.

"I was too damn embarrassed to say anything, Carls. Here I was, 23 years old, basically in love with my ex who I hated the sight of, knocked up to a guy who obviously didn't want anything to do with me. I sure as hell wasn't going to go around bragging about it."

"So what happened? Did you get an abortion? Adoption? What?"

"I had some kind of complication." Sam mumbled quietly. "Something about my tubes and the way the thing was sitting when it started growing."

"An ectopic pregnancy?" Carly questioned. "You lost it?"

"I think that's what the doctor called it. Anyway, I started bleeding. I'd been late before and I just figured, 'OK so the pee test I took was wrong, I'm not really pregnant and I'm getting my period.' It's not like I had even been to a doctor or anything yet and I was never known for being all that regular. How do you know about this chiz anyway?"

"I was pre-med, remember? Before I washed out and switched to law." Carly waved her arms around. "I told you this."

"Right because of the whole needle thing. I swear you and Melanie have got to be related somehow." Sam smirked.

"You were saying." Carly gave an irritated glare at being compared to Melanie.

"So I thought I was having a plain old period. But it got bad, really heavy bad. It went on for days. Like it got so bad I passed out. Tori and them, they had no idea what I was going through so they just called the ambulance because I was lying on the kitchen floor spewing blood from my vag at two in the morning."

"You were having an ectopic pregnancy and your tube ruptured?" Carly guessed. "Oh my God! Sam!"

"By the time I got to the hospital and they figured out what was wrong, and got a doctor in to fix it, my tube and ovary was totally janked up, they had to remove it to stop the bleeding. To stop me from bleeding to death. I have periods and stuff because my uterus is still there but I've been like this for the past 3 and a half years. I'll never have any kids of my own." Sam began crying again.

"Aw, Sam." Carly again pulled Sam close to her body with her arms around her. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me? I would have flown in to help you."

Sam ignored her sentiment. "This thing I have with Freddie an - and Alex. This playing house, hanging out with them, watching her grow up. It's all I have. It's all I'll ever have, Carly. And he won't let go, he can't give up Melanie. He acts like, even though he doesn't want her in his life that he's afraid to actually ask her for the divorce. Like she's going to go totally ape shit if he even says the word."

"You really, seriously, want to get together with Freddie?" The dark haired woman asked. "Like, you want him to divorce Melanie for you?"

"No!" Sam pulled back and huffed. "Maybe?" She squeaked in question.

Carly was wide eyed.

"But not as long as he's married to my sister. I mean, yeah, I want to get together with him but I can't. Understand?"

"Not at all." Carly shook her head. "You need to tell him, Sam. Tell him the truth. Of all the nasty things you've done to him over the years, this is the worst. He loves you too and he needs you in his life! Tell him how you feel. Tell him everything. Maybe hearing you out will hold his feet to the fire with her. If he divorces Mels you'll be able to be with him, right?"

"Psh, my mom will have a fit, but yeah I guess technically if he was single, I'd be able to be with him. Even though it would make me kind of feel like a skunk bag."

"You are not a skunk bag for being in love with a man you've loved since you were in ninth grade. And since when have you ever cared about your mom having a fit? You mom can suck it!" Carly shouted. "You love Freddie. Go and tell him."

"No!" Sam shook her head. "And you can't go trying to set us up, either. You promised me, you'd never tell anyone."

"But, Sam . . . "

"You! Promised!" Sam insisted and looked menacing, grabbing Carly's shoulders.

"Why do I feel like I just negotiated a plea bargain for jaywalking with a serial killer?" Carly sighed.

Sam and Carly retired to their beds for the evening and the blonde found it hard to sleep. She re-played her and Carly's conversation. She re-played her and Freddie's conversation about how they could do something as friends but not as a date. She beat herself up for feeling like this about her brother in law and not having the guts to tell him the truth. Especially when she gave him such hell for lying to her. For hours she tossed and turned, her mind racing through all the what ifs, buts and other contradictions.

By the following morning, Sam had decided something. She stopped at Freddie's on her way to work. As always, she didn't knock.

"Yo, Fredstumps, how's the kiddo?" She asked, seeing him sitting on the couch with his laptop open.

"She was up with a sore belly half the night. I didn't sleep a wink. She finally passed out about half past three and I carried her back to her bedroom. So I guess I'll just let her go and stay home from school today."

"Well then, shouldn't you be sleeping now?" Sam smirked. "You look like you haven't slept in a week."

"Sure. If I want to miss my deadline. Absolutely." He snipped. "I left early yesterday hoping that my department would finish up without me. I looked at things last evening and they finished alright, but it'll never work. Every single line of code is wrong. If this is ever going to work properly, it's got to be tweaked and it's due in, wait what time is it?" He looked at the clock. "Aw, crabs. Two hours and thirteen minutes."

Sam took the computer off his lap and sat it on the coffee table. "You need a break, Fredinand."

"No, Sam. I need to finish." He argued.

She stood in front of him and held out her hand. "Come on."

"Where?" He huffed. "I can't go anywhere. Alex is in bed. And she's sick."

"The kitchen, genius. To get you a cup of coffee." She rolled her eyes and grabbed him. "Where the crap did you think I was taking you, the moon?"

He sighed. This woman was right. He needed a break. He allowed her to pull him to his feet and take him to the kitchen.

After starting the coffee, Sam sat at the table where he had taken a seat. "Fredward, we need to talk."