Chapter 39
Previously: Sam and Melanie had met up for dinner and Sam was telling Melanie about her time with Alex and Sunshine Girls.
"Funny part is, I actually made friends with most of them after the incident with red headed Karen. Turns out they were trying to get rid of that broad for months. After she was gone, skinny Karen and old Karen mellowed right out. The rest of them asked me to be on the leadership committee the next week. Did Alex tell you, the one mom and I are taking her two girls, their cousin, Alex, and another one of their friends camping as soon as school's out."
"You? Camping?" Melanie chuckled in disbelief. "As in, in the woods?"
"What's so hard to believe about that?" Sam asked, trying to pretend to be offended.
"First off, how much food are you able to pack and take along? And more importantly there's no wi-fi or bathrooms in the great outdoors."
"Yeah, I know. But Alex is really jazzed up about it, so I guess I'll live without wi-fi and pee in the grass for a weekend. It's not that her dad could take her. I mean, I guess he technically could, they can't discriminate or anything but he'd feel weird. Besides, I don't really think the other moms would appreciate it." Sam shrugged. "I wouldn't want some 27 year old man hanging out with a bunch of second grade girls for a camp out, would you?"
"You really are attached to her aren't you?" Mel smiled and took a sip of her drink.
"Well, yeah. She's a good kid and Freddie tries really hard but there's just some things dads can't do. She just turned 7, in four or five more years it's going to time for her to as Carly says, 'blossom'. Can you picture Freddie shopping for training bras?"
"Oh, God." Melanie snickered. "That would be something to see. He gets flustered walking past the underwear section in Mall-mart."
"Wait, I know, what about when she asks about that time of the month?" Sam cracked. "I can just see it now, she goes 'Daddy, what's a tampon for?', and he passes out."
The girls both laughed at Freddie's expense before Melanie turned more serious.
"So, I need to ask. Not that it's any of my business but are you and Freddie, like, together?"
"Huh? No! We're no more than we have been for years. We're friends, and maybe it seems like we do couple stuff on occasion but we're definitely NOT a couple. I mean sure, the other week he took me out to the all you can eat rib buffet for my birthday and we do stuff like that. We also go for groceries together and take Alex shopping for school clothes and chiz. But we don't go out on dates because I don't think of him that way. He's married to you and I'm not going to get a reputation for running around with my sister's husband."
"Sam." Mel shook her head as the waitress sat down their food. "You don't have to feel that way. Freddie and I, we're done. He's made it perfectly clear to me that as a couple, we're a lost cause. I really don't care if he sees other people. There's no going back for us, it's only a matter of time before the big 'D' happens. I'm actually surprised he hasn't brought it up since right before Alex's birthday."
"Maybe you don't think I need to feel like that, but I do. I grew up with everyone figuring I was gonna end up trashy skunk bag like Mom,. I'm not really in the mood to do anything to prove them right and messing around with your sister's husband is definitely skunk bag activity. To be honest, I don't even know if he thinks about girls that way any more. Not that he thinks about guys but you know what I mean."
Melanie snickered at the idea of Freddie batting for the other team as she ate. "I get it. I screwed him over bad in his mind and he's afraid that not only he'll get hurt but that Alex will too. It's why he won't give me a second chance. I think if it was just him and me he might, but he's afraid of what would happen with Alex. And that'd what I love most about him, he really is the best dad ever. Even if we're not together. I'm glad he feels the way he does, and I'm glad he's being careful about dating and stuff. You know, bringing someone new into her life."
Sam shrugged in agreement with her sister "Except with you it would be, what, fourth, fifth chance? You realize Freddie may never put himself back out there because of how bad you've hurt him, right?" Obviosuly, she was still sore about it, maybe even more so than Freddie. It was time to air this grievance.
Melanie got defensive and shot back. "I only know of two. Our breakup when we started college was mutual. It wasn't like I ghosted him on purpose back then, we broke up, were we supposed to be stuck to each other? We just went out separate ways freshman year. We were busy with school and stuff. And the time when Alex was conceived, it was just a couple of weeks of casual hookups with no commitment, we both understood that. The only time we were truly together as a couple was when we got married after I came back to Washington. I'll admit it was bad the way I left. I realize it hurt him, but I'd still call it a second chance, at least in my book."
"You make valid points, at least in your own mind, but he still got hurt every time and so did your kid when you ran off the last time. You weren't just dating in high school, you were married with a family." By venting, maybe Sam could work through enough of these feelings and forgive Melanie. After all, she worked out her differences with Freddie by talking. "You know your leaving caused him to pull up stakes and move them to a completely different school and everything. And that little girl missed you so bad she couldn't stand it." Sam gave an icy glare.
"It's not my fault if Freddie couldn't keep it together and came running home to mommy. He didn't have to move." Melanie got defensive herself and put down her fork. "Freddie knows about my issues, he understands. At least he told me he did. Maybe he just wasn't as prepared as he thought he was."
"Maybe he understands but Alex doesn't. You went running off to Oregon to live with our dad and left her and your husband wondering where you were for how long? No calls, not even a damn text. It wasn't fair, Melanie. To either of them. He would never have done that to you and if he ever did, you'd be just as pissed as he is."
"Surely, he could have explained it to her." Melanie tried to reason. "And honestly, I think you're more pissed than Freddie."
"You weren't here, Mel." Sam huffed. "The first night I was back, I mean the very first evening I was in Seattle, Carly and I ran into him and Alex in the lobby of Bushwell. And I guess being the nub he is, he was never smart enough to tell her that there was a chance she might see someone who looks just like you, who wasn't you. That poor kid lost her mind. She screamed and cried. He said it took her hours to cry herself to sleep."
Sam's twin softened her defensive wall and gasped. "Oh, God. I never thought that . . ."
"It wasn't just her, either." Sam continued. "I was in pretty bad shape, too."
"What do you mean?" Mel asked.
Sam now put down her fork and looked sullen. "I mean, I ran out of the building and sat on the ground behind the dumpster and bawled like a five year old myself for half an hour." She looked down, obviously ashamed to admit it. "Carly had to sit there with me in the pouring rain and calm me down. After what we were through when Dad ran off from us, you just don't remember any of it at all, do you?" Sam slyly wiped at her eyes with her napkin.
"You don't have to be embarrassed. I know it affected you that night, he told me you got upset too. I'm really sorry if it triggered some flash back to being abandoned for you. I just can't believe Freddie didn't prime Alex for seeing you. And you surely knew there was a chance you'd see her."
"Yeah, I guess he's kinda to blame for some of it. And I should have prepared myself, too." Sam sniffed and looked back up at her sister who was giving her an empathetic, loving look.
"Maybe if you met Dad and heard him explain everything it would help you to deal with . . . "
"No offense Mels, but I really don't want anything to do with Dad. I could care less what he says or does and he can make up no excuse to get me to forgive him. And remembering him wasn't why I lost my chiz so bad anyway. Did Freddie ever tell you why I was really crying that night? Because I don't think he knew at all back then. No one does now, other than him and Carly. Unless one of them told you."
For some reason, the sisters were bonding more than they had in years and Sam steadied herself to tell Melanie something only her two very best friends in the world knew. Melanie knew Sam was not eating because she was upset, so she pushed her plate aside and listened as Sam continued.
Sam drew in a deep breath. "What I couldn't figure out, and I still can't, is how any parent could run off from their kid they way dad ran off from us when I couldn't have any. Alex was the exact same age we were when dad left and do you remember how we both cried and pined away for him to come back and he never did? Not a phone call or even a stinkin' Christmas card. That memory didn't stop you though, did it? You still jumped ship just like him." Of course, Sam still had to let out her anger before any other emotion.
Melanie remembered how their dad's departure affected them and she looked down, ashamed of herself before picking up on something. "Wait. You said you can't have any? You mean you wanted a kid of your own or something?"
Sam shot back immediately. "Not right then and there, but someday. Maybe."
Melanie tilted her head slightly. Sure, she knew Sam kept kids for a living when she lived with Cat, but for the most part, she thought her sister pretty much hated kids. Although she did seem rather close to Alex.
Sam sighed and confessed something to her sister that she never thought she would. "I can't have kids, Mel. Ever. And there you went and ran off from yours like you didn't even want her. She's a good kid, the best little girl ever and you left her wondering what she did wrong, why you didn't want her anymore, just like we did with dad. I was having a hard time accepting my problems and it really got to me. In fact, I still have a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that I'm 27 and I, - I might as well be 47."
"I just don't understand." Melanie blinked and sat up straight. "Why are you even thinking like that. I mean, sure it's normal to think you might want kids someday but you don't even have a boyfriend. Do you?"
"Well, what if I meet some great dude, we hit it off, everything's perfect, the sex is great, he's got money and treats me well, he's the best thing I ever met?"
'Is she describing Freddie?' Melanie wondered.
"And then he learns I can't have kids. Then what? Way I see it, I've got maybe 50-50 odds that he breaks it off and I end up settling for some guy that pumps gas for a living when I'm pushing 40 and I'm miserable for the rest of my life. I'll be just like mom." Sam now had tears running down her face and she wiped at her eyes, thankful she wasn't wearing much makeup. "I have tried since I can remember not to be Pam the second and it looks like that's more and more likely all the time."
"Is that why you are so motherly with Alex? Why you're so close to her? But why do you have yourself convinced that you'll never have your own kids? Is it because you can't meet the right guy? Do you even date?"
Sam shrugged off the questions. "I suppose that's part of it. You could say I feel motherly toward her. And it's clear kids aren't in the cards for me. Say, where is that waiter, I really need a drink refill." She tried to change the subject but Melanie was concerned for what her sister was saying and pressed on.
"So what happened? How do you know you can't have kids? Did you get sick, or get tested? It's not like you were trying, was it? Were you even seeing anyone? Because that time I came to visit you and Cat, she had herself convinced you were, well, that you didn't even like guys. I mean, I don't know where she ever got that idea, but . . . "
"Psh, no. I wasn't trying. I got pregnant to some dude that I was seeing when I lived in L.A. the second time. This was like three or four years ago. The baby got stuck in my tubes or some chiz. It tore me up inside and I can't have kids of my own. Ever." Sam got quiet before continuing. "In fact, I don't even get normal periods unless I'm taking hormone replacement. I guess it janked up my ovaries or something and my hormones are all out of whack."
"So, if you ever do find someone and want to have your own family, you really seriously can't?" Melanie finally understood. "That's why you're clinging to Alex? Is that it? And Freddie? Because he knows and doesn't care."
"He knows, but I don't know if he cares." Sam shrugged. I know when we were kids he always used to say he wanted a big family because he was opposed to raising a kid alone like he was raised so I doubt he's changed his mind. Of course, that's back when he thought he was gonna be Carly's second husband some day." She smirked. "Why would that matter anyway, it's not like him and I are anything to each other."
Just wanted to throw a shoutout to a very good friend who was my inspiration for why Cat wasn't sure Sam was completely into boys when she lived in L.A. I felt a hint at the idea adds a little color to the Sam character while explaining those moments in the spinoff series that just seemed a little 'different' between the 2 girls.
