This chapter will include a lot of minor characters from the show. I may not care much about the show's weak lore, preferring to do what I think suits the story I'm telling, but if you like these characters I think you'll enjoy this, except for one.
"Louds, open up! I have a complaint to make!" Mr. Grouse eventually stopped yelling and nursed his sore fist, after having banged on the door for ten minutes.
The old man grumbled. "Typical Louds. They cause a riot, they quickly skedaddle."
Though given how often they had taken a leave of absence these last few days, what did he expect? At least he saw no sign of those cats, so wherever they went, they took those filthy beasts with them, though no amount of peace and quiet could ease the pain of losing his beloved garden.
"Maybe they're off searching for a new house, on the other side of town?" Grouse entertained the idea as he departed before scoffing with bitterness. "Not with my luck."
He stopped as he heard grunting and saw someone standing by a closed window. The kid was dressed funny and wearing an eye patch and fake mustache, and he was in the middle of…..trying to pry the window open with a crowbar? Grouse quickly recognized the sweaty boy and rolled his eyes.
"Eh…..what are you doing?" he asked dryly.
Clyde's head snapped in his direction, causing Grouse to take a step back after seeing the crazed look behind his spectacles, accompanied by heavy wheezing.
"I gotta find Lincoln! Not answering my calls! I know he's in trouble!"
"Oh? Tough luck then, kid. He and his family seem to have taken another trip." Grouse answered indifferently. "I've come to complain but found no one."
"You think I haven't noticed!" Clyde yelled curtly, still trying to pry the window open. "Something is wrong! He hasn't answered any of my calls for over twenty-four hours! Yesterday I got a call from his emo sister telling me Lori was dead! She isn't, thank heavens, she called me herself to tell me that…" he calmed down a bit as his thoughts drifted to the blonde goddess, and he started giggling impishly while leaning on the crowbar to catch his breath "….Lori…hi hi hi….she took the time to call me. Just for me. She was concerned about my well-being."
"Ah-ha, eh….so did she tell you where the Louds went to?" Grouse carefully inquired.
"Of course she did, she went to Great Lakes City with her parents to…." His face darkened and his entire mood changed to one of pent-up rage "….to meet Santiago's family."
Grouse noticed him fuming and clutching the crowbar in anger, not that he cared. "Santiago? That's the boy she's dating? The Louds went to meet his family?" Grouse paused and glanced aside. "I already pity those poor latinos…."
"No!" Clyde insisted. " I mean…..yes, sort of? It's nothing serious! They're just dating because Lori is still searching for the right guy, that's all. It doesn't mean anything! Tween Magazine says so! They have amazing quizzes for finding your soul mate and I triple-checked my results!"
"Fascinating…." Grouse replied sarcastically "….but if they're not here, then you might as well stop torturing yourself, boy. And I'm pretty sure what you're doing is breaking and entering."
"Are you deaf!" Clyde snapped. "I said Lori and her parents left! Lincoln didn't go with them! Lori told me that herself! She said Lincoln was here and that I could meet him any time!"
"Then why is the house locked?" Grouse asked. He knew this McBride kid was weird, but he had never seen him this…off his meds.
"You think I know?" Clyde retorted curtly. "That's why I'm trying to get in. Lincoln still isn't answering my calls. I tried calling his sisters and they're not answering either! Something's wrong, as an aspiring young sleuth I just know it. Maybe Luan has finally snapped, booby-trapped the whole house and is holding her siblings hostage!"
"Well, she has done that several times…" Grouse admitted while scratching his chin. Maybe his complaints could wait for another day? No sense in risking bodily harm.
"Will you help me save Lincoln? We can't leave him there!"
"Yeah right?" Grouse laughed. "You expect me to stick my neck out for a Loud? What did they ever do for me, besides raise my blood pressure?"
"I was just talking about Lincoln!" Clyde pleaded. "His sisters are to blame-"
"You do whatever you want, kid, but this ain't my problem." He dismissed him and left, knowing better than to get himself entangled in whatever insanity the Loud kids and their nutty friend were indulging in at this very moment.
"You, sir, have no heart!" Clyde shouted but was ignored, before hearing a crash in the house.
He gasped in surprise before resuming his "heroic rescue" and grabbed the crowbar as triumphant music played in his head. "Don't worry, Ace, One-Eyed Jack will save you!"
At the bottom of the stairs lay a broken pet carrier. Marceline staggered out of it and shook her aching head. She looked up, at the place where she had made her last push before suddenly tumbling down the stairs.
It wasn't the most elegant, or intentional escape plan, but what mattered was that she had escaped. Being outside the confines of a cage, Marceline calmed down considerably, despite some aching bones. At long last, she was free. She bucked and sent the bent cage tumbling back and hitting the bottom stair.
She had this whole place to herself now, at least until her owner and his ragtag bunch of misfits came back. Her stomach growled, for she hadn't eaten anything today.
The thought occurred to her that Lana's pets were left unguarded, but after what her last hunt had gotten her into, Marceline didn't feel like chasing her food today. It was easier to just loot the kitchen before the humans noticed that food was missing.
But the moment she entered the kitchen, she heard a noise. Something had come in through the pet door.
Marceline's ears stood up in alert and she let out a low growl, unleashing her claws as she heard a footfall. An intruder? And she was trapped with it in this house? Or more precisely, it was trapped with her. Marceline crept towards the corner, trying to assess what kind of an animal she was dealing with?
A canine whimper answered her question and it was more than enough to make her spring into action. Not caring about the element of surprise, Marceline pounced with a vicious screech and tackled the intruder. They rolled around through the living room until the cat pinned the canine under her.
Marceline raised her paw but halted and made a face as she saw that the dog had…a funnel for a head? He made no attempt to fight back, his muscles weren't tense, they were relaxed and he was lying on his back in defeat, almost limp, besides his weak breathing.
She then recognized his scent. It was almost overpowered by all the grime and dirt attached to his white fur, but she recognized it. Marceline stepped back and allowed him to roll onto his feet, very slowly and lethargically.
She finally saw his face. Charles?
He panted, with his tongue sticking out, his eyes weathered, his snowy fur smeared in dirt and the cone he was wearing looked just plain stupid. Marceline tilted her head, not sure what to make of this situation. The dog looked like he had seen better days.
Charles didn't have much of a reaction to seeing her again; he seemed too exhausted to muster one up. He stood up and staggered towards his bed with a pronounced limp. As he was moving at the speed of molasses, Marceline saw some red on his right hind leg and followed him, taking a closer look and sniffing it. He had several puncture marks, with puss already coming out of them.
Charles collapsed into his bed, going limp, with his half-closed eyes being the only indicator he was still alive, along with his chest rising up and down. Marceline just stared at him for a moment before losing interest and walking away.
"Excuse me, garcon…." Ryan said with mock politeness as he and Lincoln approached the scrawny and dorky teenager working at the counter. He turned to them, looking as drab and lifeless as the diner he was working in, as if this place was slowly eating up his soul.
"Do you have a table for eleven?" Lincoln asked and pointed at the girls trying to get seated at different tables, and Renee ordering them to stay in line. The assistant manager was busy inspecting the cash register.
"No, but you can push two tables together if you want to…." He said in a bored tone and gestured ahead "…..it's a slow day, so we've got plenty of them."
Ryan and Lincoln looked at the largely empty restaurant, with the only attendance being an elderly couple and some fat guy in a trench coat and fedora, with a blonde girl in a summer dress entering the establishment, who looked like she was taking her diet too seriously given how pale she looked.
"Slow day? You don't say, buddy-boy?" Ryan snarked. "Cuz at this rate, this place will be filing for bankruptcy in a week."
"Meh, I still have Burpin Burgers." He shrugged.
"Talk about dead on the inside." Ryan whispered to Lincoln. "Renee sure knows where the fun is."
"At least there's no chance of any unforeseen accidents happening." Lincoln assessed. "Come on, Taylor, let's-"
"Wait a sec." Ryan leaned on the counter and studied the employee. "You look familiar? Oh right." He snapped his fingers. "You're…." Ryan blanked on the latter's name and squinted at his name tag.
"Ah, you're Grant Palmer? The pipsqueak's original voice before your balls dropped?" he laughed while pointing his thumb at Lincoln, who quickly grew annoyed.
"Yeah, that's me." Grant casually confirmed. "They were kind enough to give me this gig. They didn't have to though, it's not like Lincoln Loud is some prestigious role you would want to hold on to or that people are going to remember, but the extra cash was nice."
"Hey!" Lincoln blurted indignantly, while Ryan snickered.
"And you don't feel like punching this guy in the face for stealing your role?" Ryan jokingly pointed at Lincoln, who fumed.
"Stealing? I'm using my fourth voice now! Can we just go?"
"Nah, I'm not bitter." Grant shrugged with sincerity. "Besides, child actors almost always peak once they hit puberty, the food industry is a more stable and profitable career choice."
"Aw, what a good sport?" Ryan laughed and bumped Grant in the arm. He winced and rubbed it in pain.
"Well, Twinkle Toes. Your blandness has saved you." Ryan turned to Lincoln, who rolled his eyes. "Every disadvantage has its perks I guess."
"Can we just get back to my sisters?" Lincoln asked him. "They haven't eaten all day and are really ornery."
"What? Sisters!" Grant blurted. "Dude, we just had this place renovated, and you brought those menaces here?"
"Uhuuuu, looks like your reputation precedes you?" Ryan's said with faux-surprise.
"Don't worry, we're with our babysitter." Lincoln tried to reassure Grant. "They'll be on their best behavior."
Grant looked unconvinced and facepalmed, before turning to a waiter who was on his coffee break.
"Collin, would you mind taking the Louds' order as fast as possible, so they can leave as fast as possible?"
"The Louds?" Collin's eyes widened with fear and he grabbed his pen and notepad. "On it!"
Ryan smirked at Lincoln. "What?" he asked irritably.
"Getting the royal treatment? Didn't realize you Louds were such local celebrities?"
"We're not." Lincoln denied it as he started to leave. Ryan huffed and followed him.
"Being socially accepted is overrated; fame and infamy are the same. It means recognition and all the perks that come with it. Like I said, every disadvantage has its hidden perks."
Lincoln ignored him and quickened his pace. Ryan stopped and snorted. "Touchy?"
He noticed the blonde attendant sitting next to him and texting. "And what brings you to this dump, doll face?" he leaned on the table and smirked. "Trying to get noticed by a modeling agency?"
"Get bent." Maggie said indifferently.
"Ouch." Ryan took it in strides and chuckled. "Well, don't go overboard with the dieting, babe, you look paler than me. My two cents." He shot her a finger gun and left.
Maggie ignored him and kept texting. "You find someone to pummel Taylor yet?"
The group sat at their makeshift table for eleven, sitting clockwise, Renee, Lola, Lucy, Luan, Ryan, Lynn, Lana, Lisa, Lincoln, Luna and Leni.
"And that would be ten tofu burgers for the brats, and I'll take the vegetable soup." Renee said while reading the menu.
"Can't I have the fruit salad at least?" Lana complained.
"No." Renee responded flatly. She was paying for this with her client's credit card, so she spared all expenses.
"I'm not hungry….." Luna muttered while glancing at the window vacantly.
"Make hers to go." Renee added. "She'll reconsider once her gut starts aching."
"That will be forty dollars, ma'am." Collin hastily scribbled. "Don't want to be rude to our customers, but would you mind paying in advance and in cash?" he added nervously.
"You don't accept credit?" She showed him her credit card and he promptly snatched it away. "We'll make an exception, just eat quickly and never come back, thanks." And with that, he was gone.
"Call it a hunch, but I don't think we're welcome here." Ryan said snidely, eyeing Lincoln.
"Given our choice of company, I can imagine why." His sister replied.
"Oh, that can't be it." Leni chuckled dismissively. "We know that guy working at the counter, I think he also works at Burpin Burgers, we've been there a lot."
"So you're acquainted?" Renee idly inquired, which just proved her assumption right.
"Friends, actually. Any acquaintance is just a friend who hasn't gone shopping with you yet." Leni clarified.
"If memory serves, this adolescent individual, along with his fellow minimum wage coworkers has been on alert whenever he sees us ever since we celebrated the tenth anniversary of Lincoln's birth at the other respective establishment where he's employed." Lisa recalled, causing Lincoln to bury his face in his hands.
"Please, don't remind me of that day." He groaned exasperatedly, making the genius wilt.
"Eh….perhaps a change in topic would be appreciated?"
"Yeah, let's make this dinner more palatable?" Luan chuckled. "Get it?"
"Uh, it was a disaster, wasn't it?" Ryan asked the comedian curiously. "What'd ya guys do?"
"Nothing interesting…." Lynn, grumbled and looked away. Ryan glanced at her, knowing she was fibbing.
"We gave the fry cook first-degree burns." Luan explained to him. "Oh, wait? That was all Lynn's fault? Wasn't it?" she leaned towards Ryan. "I know, this must be shocking to hear?"
The jock gave her a dirty glare. "Will you zip it? I admitted that flinging dinner plates like frisbees was a bad idea. Live and learn."
"Only you would need to learn that this was a bad idea." Lucy added, nodding to Luan. "But it was the first time I saw a bleeding gash on someone's forehead."
"Hah, at least my present for the birthday boy wasn't a custom-made tombstone just in case of an "unfortunate accident"." Lynn scoffed while making air quotes, making Lincoln grumble while pushing his face further into his palms. Seeing her brother's reaction, Lucy grew nervous.
"I….at least I didn't try to implant a tracking chip on that Cristina girl." She retorted, making Lisa duck her face into her turtle neck.
"Ewww…" Lana whined while clutching her burger "….I don't want to hear about Lincoln's love life!"
Lincoln looked up. "I'm not….ugh…" he gave up and slouched "…..never mind."
"I thought he would appreciate the gesture?" Lisa weakly defended herself. "I thought it was the well-intentioned reasoning behind your action that counts?"
"At least they remembered to get him a present for his big day." Luan retorted to the jock, making Lynn boil.
"You have no idea how inconsiderate she can be." The comedian added, edging even closer to Ryan. "Forgetting her own brother's birthday? How low can you go? She'd be great at playing limbo though, get it?"
"Eh, I don't see what the big deal is?" Ryan shrugged. "I have no clue when Renee was born."
"Better to forget, than to have your "present" involve performing with palm torches. That fry cook's medical bills were nothing compared to how much it cost mom and dad to pay for the damage the fire caused." Lynn retorted spitefully.
"This is getting good." Ryan thought. Lola was, oddly enough, thinking the same thing while rummaging through her backpack. She had intentionally sat next to Renee, who didn't waste any time putting her foot down.
"No fighting at the table." She told the girls firmly. "I can't blame the staff here for wanting us to leave as fast as possible."
"Tin Teeth started it!" Lynn defended herself petulantly.
Luan trembled with anger and clutched Ryan's arm. "Y'see? She calls me hurtful nicknames!"
"Girls, let's just agree that my tenth birthday was a total disaster." Lincoln spoke up. "But it was nobody's fault specifically; it just wasn't our lucky day?"
"Speaking of luck, didn't Lynn claim some mumbo jumbo that if you didn't cut your cake in perfect half and half when you turn ten, you would be cursed with bad luck for the rest of the year?" Luan continued spitefully.
"Luan, I don't care, let's not dwell on the past." Lincoln retorted. Luan narrowed her eyes at Lynn before they both looked away.
"Fine, whatever." Lynn shrugged. "Even if it was Luan's fault." She muttered under her breath.
"Lynn, why are you and Luan constantly at each other's throats?" Lana whispered to her.
"It's not your business." Lynn grumbled.
"Seriously, what happened, if she poured hot sauce into your drink then it must have been bad?" Lana continued, though she was more interested in starting a conversation with Lynn about something else.
"If I told you, you might lose your appetite again." Lynn replied, knowing the reason behind their animosity would make the 5-year-old gag.
"I have a strong stomach, you know that. Maybe we can go to the bathroom and you tell me?"
This gave Lynn an idea and she stood up.
"Where are you going?" Renee asked.
"To the little girls' room. Can't hold it back." Lynn said before grabbing Ryan by the shoulder. "He has to go to."
"Eh…I don't really have to…ow…." Ryan complied as her grip nearly cracked his collar bone and she dragged him away.
"Hey, this is the lady's room? I can't go here-" Ryan complained as Lynn shoved him in and closed the door.
He went quiet after the death glare he received.
His brow fell. "Eh….you're mad at me, aren't ya?" he guessed.
"When exactly are you planning on telling her?" Lynn cut right to the chase.
"Huh?"
"Luan! When do you plan to tell her that you ain't interested in her, cuz she's driving me up the wall!" Lynn threw her arms up.
"Jealous?" Ryan probed. Big mistake.
He took a step back as Lynn crept closer. "Are you still enjoying this?" she growled.
"Enjoying what?" he asked nervously.
"Us fighting over you? You enjoy that, don't you?" Lynn clenched her fists.
"What? Course not." Ryan raised his hands. "I just like watching all of you guys squabble. You know I'm a troll at heart."
His halfhearted attempt to lighten the mood fell flat. After Lynn's glare intensified, he gulped and raised his hands.
"Okay, maybe a little, just a little. But look? Since you've already forcefully dragged me to a place I should never have entered…." He stooped to check it out. "Huh, looks just like the boy's bathroom, not at all like the rumors I heard?"
"You were saying?" Lynn said threateningly, tapping her foot and clenching her fists.
"Ah, yes, yes. I have something to tell you."
"Tell me what?" Lynn was growing out of patience.
"About Luan? We actually had that conversation, while we were cleaning the attic."
Lynn's eyes widened, but she soon narrowed them in doubt. "You told her? In how many words exactly?"
"I told her everything, believe me. I told her I wasn't interested and that we should just be friends. I was very clear and upfront, I didn't leave any doubt in her mind."
"Then why is she still acting the way she is towards you?" Lynn inquired.
"Well, I…."
"She didn't get the memo through her thick skull, did she?" Lynn deduced, calming down a bit.
Ryan was worried about that. "Well, we can't say for certain. I mean….. I just told her that a few hours ago, being friendzoned by a catch like me, that's a lot to take in, let alone to accept."
He deserved a camel clutch for stroking his ego like that, but Lynn chose to cut him some slack this time. Hearing this news gave her a small twinge of joy. Maybe Luan did get the memo?
"So you told her? Is that why she's so cross with me?" she slowly smiled.
'I dunno? I didn't say anything about you."
Lynn frowned again. "You didn't mention me?"
"Lynn, you didn't seriously expect me to do it?" Ryan asked in bewilderment. "How would I break it to her? "Hey, let's just be friends cuz I like your sister more"? I'd look like a monumental piece of shit if I did that."
Lynn scoffed. "Oh, now you're worried about looking like a piece of shit? I think that boat has sailed, pal."
"Are you talking about flirting with Luan or are you criticizing my character?" Ryan retorted wryly.
"Whichever one makes you feel better." Lynn scoffed and folded her arms. "You're going soft, Ryan. I thought you had no problem screwing people over?"
Ryan twitched a bit. "You're grossly mistaken, Freckles."
"I don't think so."
"I'd screw over anyone without a second thought." Ryan insisted. "But Luan….she's my friend."
"Friend? I didn't think you liked using that word." Lynn snarked.
Ryan frowned. "Do you want me to break her heart? To make her cry and lock herself up in her bedroom for days, sobbing? Make her hate me?"
Lynn paused. He had said that in an uncharacteristically serious manner. Jealously tended to make you forget that the person you were jealous of also had feelings.
"No…" she retorted before wilting a bit "…I…I just want her to stop bothering us."
"Well, I did what you asked of me." Ryan replied. "I told her that I don't want to date her, what else do you want from me?"
He had a point. He did what she had unsubtly nagged him to do, despite Lincoln's insistence they wait on it. Lynn didn't want to consider what forced Ryan, who was clearly very reluctant about doing it, to do it so fast. It would probably prompt her to seriously injure him and Luan if she knew, so she didn't press on.
"Nothing…okay, look. I'm sorry I got mad and all…."
"So you are jealous?" Ryan smirked.
She clenched her fists, when a thought occurred to her.
To Ryan's mild disappointment, she didn't get triggered. Instead, she smirked back.
"Ryan, if you saw some other boy coming on to me, how would you react?"
"I would probably be facing charges for murder?" Ryan shrugged.
Lynn found his response oddly flattering. "I mean that much to you?"
"Hey, I risked my butt and took on a wolf, more than once, to protect you, and I took on a horde of zombies to protect your runty brother and the mad scientist, and to cure said zombies, who were your family. I think I deserve you after all that. Plus, you would do the same thing to your own sister for coming on to me."
He was right again. Lynn frankly didn't know what qualities made someone boyfriend material, but there was no denying that Ryan was loyal to her.
"Okay, point taken. I guess you did everything you could with Luan. We can't change the fact that she's clingy and out of touch with reality." She shrugged.
Ryan was a bit unnerved by her chill attitude. "And what do you intend to do?"
"Nothing, this just means we're totally both guilt-free. You told her you weren't interested, her inability to accept that is on her, not you, or me."
"What to mean by-" a knock on the door cut him off.
Lynn opened the door to find Lincoln, whose eyes widened with confusion.
"What were you two doing? In the girls' ro-"
"Get your mind out of the gutter." Lynn slapped her brother on the back. "We just talked about some important matters."
"What matters?"
"Relationship matters." Lynn smirked, savoring the queasy look she got.
"Ryan just told me that he broke the news to Luan while they were cleaning the attic." Lynn explained, looking very satisfied.
Lincoln was confused, until it dawned on him. "Wait, you mean he…"
"Yep, and she's taking it well enough from the looks of things." Lynn shrugged. "She ain't crying or anything, so let's chow." Seeing that their orders had arrived at the table, Lynn went ahead, sporting a cocky smile.
Bemused, Lincoln turned to Ryan and started to scowl. "I thought we agreed you wait until-hey."
Ryan wrapped his arm around him and pulled him closer. "Don't you virtue lecture me, pipsqueak." He whispered harshly. "Luan had me backed against a wall and tried to plant a big wet one on my lips."
"I did not need to know that." Lincoln deadpanned, trying to suppress the grotesque images that came to mind.
"I didn't have a choice, I panicked, alright. So I told her what I had to tell her."
"But she didn't get the memo, didn't she?" Lincoln sighed, easily deducing that from the comedian's behavior.
Ryan pursed his lips in annoyance while Lincoln pushed himself free and straightened his shirt. Once again, the plans he told his crew to follow didn't go as planned, and he would have to roll with it.
"You know, Taylor, you surprised me?"
"Surprised you?" Ryan cocked an eyebrow.
"Luan isn't heartbroken. I didn't think you could let an emotionally insecure girl down gently, but…." He paused as he realized something "….but you didn't tell her why you aren't interested, did you?"
"Minor detail." Ryan waved his hand dismissively. "What matters is that I told her I wasn't into her."
Lincoln doubted that Ryan wasn't into his comedic sister, he was just more into his sporty one, but made no comment.
He sighed. "Fair point, let's just eat."
"You okay with me going against the plan?" Ryan probed.
Lincoln scowled and urged him to follow. "We'll talk about this later."
"Plotting something behind my back?" Renee inquired as they returned.
"We just talked about some stuff, unimportant stuff." Lincoln explained as he sat back in his seat, growing increasingly annoyed by her paranoia.
"Have you guys seen any sign of Kathleen?" Luna said morosely. Why wasn't she coming to rescue them? Renee glanced at her suspiciously.
"Nope, and no complaints." Luan huffed. "If you thought she would rescue you, then you clearly don't know Kathleen Tisdale."
"She's right, last time we saw her, she made it abundantly clear that her intention was to attend that music festival where your favorite group of musicians is performing, therefore we should logically not expect her return until the concert has ended." Lisa pointed out.
"You expect me to eat this slop?" Ryan asked his sister as he picked up his tofu burger.
"Not at all, brother." She replied evenly before scowling. "Provided you have no issue going to bed on an empty stomach."
"I don't." he shrugged and suddenly stood up again.
"Where do you think you're going?" Renee asked him.
"To stretch my legs and go buy some real food." He casually stretched his arms.
"What?" this caused a chain reaction of gasps, but especially from Luan and Lynn.
"What's he doing?" Lincoln worried.
"You don't want to eat with us?" Leni pouted.
"With you? Noooope…" Ryan scoffed.
Renee's expression didn't change. She just stood up to confront him.
"I think you've forgotten about our agreement, brother."
Ryan smiled devilishly and wiggled his finger at her. "Ah-ah, I've kept my promise."
He came face to face with her. "I promised you I would behave while I was a guest at your "workplace". I obeyed all your asinine rules, never talked back to you and was a good boy. I proved you wrong, Ms. I Have No Faith In My Own Brother. But we're not at your workplace anymore, are we? You're not my babysitter, so I have no obligation to obey you if I don't feel like it."
Renee narrowed her eyes, as Ryan stepped back, spreading his arms like a canary out of his cage. "So get your head out of your ass, sis. You have no damn power over me unless I let you. You never had and you never will." he stopped and shuddered with satisfaction. "Damn, it feels so good being able to express myself again."
"If you insist on that, then I must ask you to leave…. immediately." His sister replied calmly.
"Ryyyaan…." He heard Lynn's strained and furious tone. Knowing he was in hot water, he turned around with a pleasant smile.
"C'mon, Lynn, don't make this harder than it needs to be."
"You're abandoning us?" Luan looked at him desperately.
"I ain't abandoning you, I'm just trying to milk what little freedom I can get today." Ryan pointed at himself.
Lynn stared at him, stunned, before clenching her teeth. Luan also quickly changed her expression from dejected to enraged, but Ryan cut them off.
"Hey, don't think of this as me screwing you guys over. What's better? All of us suffering under my tyrannical sister's regime…" he pointed at said tyrant before pointing at himself again "….or me having a one hour break while the rest of you suffer under her tyrannical regime? It's a lose-lose situation and we have to make the best of it."
"Sigh, it's depressing but true." Lucy said hoarsely. Lincoln thought about it and honestly saw no problem with it. The less of Ryan he saw the better.
"See, Spooky gets it." Ryan said as he backed away from the table, passing by his sister. Lynn tried to go after him.
"Why I oughta-"
"Stop. Sit down." The sitter ordered her.
"Enjoy your dinner, fellas. See ya real soon." Ryan said as he pushed the door open with his foot and stepped out. "Ciao!"
The dumbfounded Lynn was forced to sit down. "He…he…just…."
"Probably shouldn't have insinuated that he was going soft, Lynn." Lincoln told her, not looking particularly upset about Ryan's departure. Lynn and Luan were quite the opposite.
"I'll kill him!" they both hissed simultaneously before glaring at each other. "Stop saying what I say!"
"What just happened?" Lana asked.
Lisa turned to her. "I believe the technical term would be "Ryan will be sleeping in the dog house"….times two."
Maggie, meanwhile, saw everything from her table. "Well, this is a convenient coincidence." She thought while texting her cousin.
"Taylor ditched his friends, leaving right now, hes alone and vulnerable."
"Ah, sweet, spicy junk food." Ryan said to himself in a heavenly tone as he strolled downtown eating a chili dog.
"Beautiful, unhealthy, artery-clogging, diarrhea-inducing junk food." He continued, feeling like he had just stepped out of prison. He was free to curse like a bastard and do whatever he wanted, at least for the next hour.
He knew the girls were pissed at him now, Lynn especially. He undoubtedly needed to think fast to find a way to quell her fury when they inevitably reunited, or he could simply lay on the charm on his soon-to-be girlfriend. He could either compliment her on her beauty or her athletic skills, which ought to do the trick.
"Serves her right, though." He reasoned. "Telling me I'm soft, ha, I showed her how "soft" I am!"
"Meh, don't think about her, enjoy your freedom while you can." He told himself before spotting another fast-food restaurant.
"Hmmmm…..I have a hankering for some carbonated soft drinks with lots of sugar." He said and entered the store, unaware that he was being stalked.
Lyle peeked from a corner, sporting a gleeful grin and rubbing his hands.
"Oh, this couldn't be more perfect." He snickered to himself with boundless giddiness.
Calming himself enough to think, he hid behind the corner. "Rule one when you're on the streets, loser, always travel in packs." He cackled to himself and considered his next move.
He rubbed his chin. "Now, where could I find some muscle-bound meathead that I can sic on Ghoul Face?"
His answer came to him as he noticed a gym across the street.
"Excellent…." Lyle clapped his hands "…..let's see what's on offer?"
He crossed the street and pressed his face against the glass, observing all the attendants that were in the middle of their daily workout. Lyle studied them, looking for someone he knew could easily be manipulated, and he spotted two familiar faces.
Two burly, brutish teenagers, one holding a punching bag and yelling insults on the bag's behalf, in order to motivate his partner to punch the bag even harder.
Lyle's grin widened. "The Hogan bros!"
"Is that the best you got! My granny punches harder than you!"
"Don't dis Granma! She's a tough cookie!" Hank yelled, but it had the desired effect on him and he punched harder.
"Oh, sorry man." Hawk apologized before smirking. "I meant you punch like a gay guy! No, you punch like a girl! Little pussy punches, wha, wha!" he mocked his brother, who boiled and kept punching.
"That's why Carol never gives you a second look, you sorry little pansy! She can punch harder than you! Ha, the librarian can punch harder than you! Shelton, the captain of the chess team is tougher than you! This is why mom likes me more!"
Hank roared and punched right through the bag, seizing his brother by the throat.
"Agh! Just kidding, man! You're tough! You're her favorite!" Hawk choked.
"Why hello, guys? You're the Hogan brothers, aren't ya?" Lyle suddenly appeared next to them.
Hank let Hawk go, allowing him to breathe as he glared down at the 12-year-old and snorted. "What's it to ya, fresh meat? We're in the middle of something."
"Yeah, we're punching stuff!" Hawk croaked while rubbing his neck
Lyle stepped back, careful to be respectful. He wanted these brainless walls of meat to crush his hated enemy, not him.
"You were? I'm so, so sorry. I did not mean to bother you."
"Thought so, now beat it!" Hank scoffed and focused on his punching bag, while Hawk massaged his throat.
"There's nothing I would rather do, but I was looking for you guys, because I know something that I think you two deserve to know."
"What's that, twerp?" Hawk asked. "Go on, spill it."
This was his chance, Lyle felt his excitement rising. "Well, there's this new kid I met, who boasts about being the toughest guy in town. Real egomaniac. He gave me a good fight, but I handled myself well."
"And why should we care?" Hank asked curtly.
"You should! Because he brags about how he could take on anyone in this neighborhood, even you two! He said so himself! I think his ego needs to be taken down a few pegs."
"So what?" the brothers said in a bored tone.
"Well, don't you think somebody should teach him a lesson? He talks all sorts of trash about you."
"Meh, some stupid kid ain't worth breaking our schedule." Hank dismissed him. "If he's that mouthy, that dummy will get a good beating from someone far less tougher than us."
"Hah, you said it, bro!" Hawk fist-bumped him.
Lyle balled his fists. But he had one more trick up his sleeve. He shrugged "Well if you feel so. You are very generous for letting that scumbag get away with it, especially after what he said about your mother."
Hank and Hawk jolted. Hank clenched his teeth and leaned down at Lyle, making him shrink. "What'd you say?!"
"Your mom, he also said some nasty things about your mom."
"What did he say about our momma!" Hawk demanded.
He had them triggered. "Yes!" Lyle fist-pumped inwardly, before stepping out of their combined massive shadow.
"Oh, very bad things. Things one shouldn't discuss at a public place like this."
"What did he say!" Hank grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him up to his face.
"Okay, okay, I tell ya everything." Lyle raised his hands. "Just get down and I'll whisper it to you. Fair warning, it's pretty harsh…"
The Hogans did as he requested and Lyle wrapped his arms around their necks and pulled them into a huddle, whispering quietly. The brothers quickly grew horrified expressions.
"What?" Hawk's eyes bulged in horror.
"Yup, awful but true." Lyle nodded and continued whispering. The brothers gasped.
"He used that word to describe our momma?" Hank's face turned red.
"She never met a real estate agent who accepted "alternative payments"….." Hawk blew steam through his nose, rocking his nose ring.
"Oh, but that's not even the worst part…" Lyle nodded "….he also said…."
The gym filled with enraged roars, startling everyone else in it, and they soon backed away from the fired-up Hogan boys.
"Screw this!" Hank ripped the punching bag of the ceiling and threw it away. "We'll string him up and use him for exercise!"
"He's dead meat! Where can we find that weasel!" Hawk yelled.
Lyle smiled with glee. "I'll show you…"
"I can't believe that jack-"
"Ah, watch your tongue." Renee warned her as she was finishing her soup. Most of the Louds had finished their meal, except for Luna, who didn't even touch her takeout paper bag.
Lynn seethed. "I can't believe that jerk just ditched us."
"Me neither, but frankly, I don't have a problem with it." Renee replied with a hint of joy.
Lincoln sort of agreed with her, as did Lola, no matter how much it pained her to agree with that witch.
"It seems Ryan isn't so loyal to you after all." Renee continued with a hint of a smile.
Lynn shook. Lincoln noticed that and tried to ease the tension.
"Wow, let's not judge the guy. I'm, sure he had his reasons, besides the food."
Lynn and Luan both glowered at him. Lincoln shook his head, knowing what he had to say.
"C'mon, Lynn. He said you were his best friend? He would never use the word "friend", let alone "best friend", unless he meant it. "Lynn smiled a little hearing that, but tried to hide it.
Luan, however, felt hurt. Why should Lynn be his "best friend"? Him and her had much more in common. You could be both a couple and best friends, couldn't you?
"And let's not forget everything he did for you since you met?" Lincoln added.
"Like what?" Renee asked him, almost tauntingly.
"That's best friends confidential." Lynn s smirked at her. "No nosy sisters allowed."
"It means they're totes an item." Leni whispered into Renee's ear, making her roll her eyes.
"Yeah sure…he probably excused himself so he could buy a gift?" she humored the dumb blonde.
"Aww, he's buying you a gift, Lynn? He's such a good boyfriend." Leni squealed. Luan crossed her arms, trying not to scream. Lynn was not so restrained.
Lola knocked on the table, trying to get everyone's attention.
"Call him my boyfriend one more time, and I'll dunk your head in the toilet!" Lynn threatened Leni.
Grinding her teeth, Lola knocked harder, finally getting noticed by everyone. Lola wailed her arms to make sure everyone was watching her.
"You have something to say?" Renee asked her sarcastically.
"I have plenty to say about you, but such words wouldn't be very lady-like." The princess scoffed inwardly before clearing her throat.
"Lola, don't strain your voice." Lincoln advised her. "If you want it to heal, you need to be quiet."
"Yes, your laryngitis can only heal if you allow your swollen vocal cords to deflate." Lisa added.
Lola wanted to tell them to shut up, but had to choose her words carefully while she could still croak a few of them out. She looked at Renee with a forced look that somewhat resembled regret.
"Ah…soh…" she coughed and rubbed her scratchy throat.
"What?" Renee asked.
"Ah….ahm….soh…soh…." Lola tried to ignore the pain.
"Are you thirsty?" Lincoln asked. The princess glowered at him and shook her head.
"You need to use the bathroom?" Lynn asked.
"Uh! I love guessing games!" Leni exclaimed. "Eh…do you want to make a toast?"
"You say you smell real bad?" Lana laughed.
Lola glared daggers at her and shook her head again. "….sohhi….Ihm…sorry…"
"You're sorry?" Renee raised an eyebrow.
Lynn and Lincoln looked at each other. Why would Lola of all people apologize? And over what?
"Yeh…yeah…" Lola nodded frantically. "Sorry….ah….wahs…meah..nnn tuh yuh."
This caught everyone by surprise, other than Luna, who never ceased staring vacantly through the window. It was getting dark outside, and Pucker Uppenheimer would be going on stage in half an hour, and Sam would be watching it! While she was missing it!
"You want to apologize to me for misbehaving?" Renee asked, not buying it for a second. Neither did any of Lola's siblings, sans one. Lola nodded.
Leni cupped her face with joy. "Awww…Lola, that's totes nice of you. I knew you didn't mean to be mean."
"You seriously believe her?" Renee turned to her.
"Don't you see, Lola feels bad for being mean to you and wants to apologize. You two had a rocky start, now's your time to make amends."
Lola grinned and nodded again, before pulling out a bottle of face lotion from her backpack and pointing at it.
"What's that?"
"Awww….it's an apology gift." Leni cooed. Lola nodded and tried to shove it into Renee's hands.
"Thanks, but no thanks." Renee refused. "Your words are enough." She humored her.
"Don't be so modest. You two should hug it out." Leni suggested.
"I told you, I don't hug." Renee reminded her. But Lola was adamant and tried to push the bottle into her hands.
"You should take it, Renee. You don't want your skin to be dry and flaky. And it will help you get rid of your mole."
"Leni, moles are caused by dark melamine forming in your skin, they can't be removed with cheap cosmetic products with questionable dermatological properties." Lisa lectured her.
Lincoln sighed, so much for Lola respecting their deal. "Lola, can you drop your transparent attempt to make Renee use your poisoned lotion, or whatever else you might have slipped in there?"
"Yeah, you're not fooling anyone, princess." Lynn added in a bored tone.
"Don't take it." Lana tried to warn the sitter. "She's probably filled it with her own poop!"
"I bet it's rat poison." Lucy chimed in.
"I have a hunch she has doused it with botulinum?" Lisa guessed.
"Nohhh…." Lola hissed, starting to sweat and shrinking under Renee's glare.
"Okeh…." She admitted "….ah….ah….added honey!" she coughed before grinning. "Honeh….good fur…shin!"
"Guys?" Leni was taken aback. "How can you think such things? Lola wants to apologize to Renee and you make fun of here and say she-"
"Have you forgotten all the things she has done to all of us for slighting her?" Lisa deadpanned. "Including you?"
"Even the toddler gets it." Renee said as she pushed Lola's gift away.
"Guys, you're being ridiculous." Leni instead. "If you won't take Lola's words for it, then I'll test it." She reached out past Renee to grab it, but Lola pulled it back, getting nervous. Renee rolled her eyes.
"Hey, if we can talk, can I ask something?" Lana cut in.
"Please do." Lincoln replied while massaging his forehead. Anything was better than Lola's increasingly desperate revenge schemes.
"What were you, Lynn and Ryan talking about back home?"
Lynn and her brother turned wide-eyed. "Eh…what do you mean?" Lynn asked.
"You were talking about Marceline and Charles…." The tomboy looked at Lincoln "…and you said 'at least she's still alive'. And then….then Ryan said 'sorry about your dog, he was trusty'."
Lynn and Lincoln grew tense. "Lana…" the boy tried to think fast "…..you must have misheard us-"
"And who's "One Eye"? Ryan said something about Charles attacking-"
"Lana, that's not what we were talking about." Lynn insisted, while Renee's eyes shifted at her and Lincoln suspiciously.
Lana pouted. "But I heard you, you were-"
"Don't listen to him!" Lynn abruptly pointed at Lincoln. "Our pets go missing for two days, and that idiot automatically assumes the worst, as if Charles and the others can't take care of themselves. He doesn't know what he's talking about."
"You're pets went missing?" Renee inquired.
"Yes. Charles, he's a dog, Geo is hamster and Walt is a bird. We found our cat Cliff alone in the woods when we went on a picnic and we haven't seen the others since then."
"They still haven't come back?" Luan asked.
"Not that I have noticed." Lucy replied.
Leni gasped. "They're missing? Since when?"
"They're missing?" Luna asked.
"Missing for two days?" Renee asked indifferently. "Are they…eh indoor pets?"
"Oh, they hardly ever leave the garden." Leni nodded. "Cliff barely leaves the house."
"Huh? Well, if they've been missing for two days…" Renee concluded and took one final slurp of her soup "….then chances are high that they're dead."
The sisters were shocked. "What?" Lana blurted. "No, that's not true?"
"Pets die all the time, kid. They get run over, they might eat some poisoned bait, or they get eaten by wild animals….it's life."
Lynn tensed up. That last comment did it! She was seconds away from attacking Renee, when Lana exclaimed.
"No! That didn't happen…." She looked at Lincoln and Lynn, as if asking them for confirmation that what they were saying wasn't true.
"You don't think they're…." she stopped as a tear poured down her eye "….no…."
The others looked at her. Even Lola couldn't bring herself to think any mocking thoughts directed at her twin.
As she received no answer, more tears started forming in Lana's eyes.
"Lana…" Lincolns started gently "…nobody said anything….look, I'm sorry. I was making assumptions…"
"Don't lie to me!" Lana cried. "Are they….."
Renee rolled her eyes. Things had gone pretty uneventfully, Ryan even chose to ditch them. She almost had palatable dinner with these freaks, but now she had to deal with water works over a bunch of deceased animals.
"Will you calm down?" She asked. "If they don't come back, your parents can always get you a new dog, there are hundreds of them at the pound for you to pick and choose."
Lana became silent and shut her eyes tight as she started sobbing softly. The others looked at Renee in shock, except for Leni, who hadn't quite registered everything.
"They're dead?" she placed her hands over her mouth. "You can't be serious."
Lana ran away crying. The fat guy in the trench coat looked over his shoulder and saw her rush into the bathroom.
"Lana, wait!" Lincoln called out to her.
"Emotional brat…" Renee muttered, but her remark was heard by Lynn, who glared at her and stood up.
"What's the matter with you!"
"Me? She's the one making a fuss over some filthy animals." Renee replied evenly.
That did it. Lincoln saw his sister ready to attack their sitter, and he hastily grabbed her shoulder.
"Lynn, calm down!" he begged her. She locked eyes with him. The others watched nervously.
"Let me-"
"Lana's upset." He cut her off. "Lynn, maybe you should follow her and try to talk to her…I'll handle this."
Lynn eased up but kept her enraged glare.
"Please…." Lincoln said meekly, his expression pleading her to stay calm.
Lynn looked back at Renee, hate carved into her eyes, before violently yanking her shoulder free, making Lincoln stumble back, as she turned around and left.
"Lana?" Lynn walked in and saw a grimy urinal to her right. She rolled her eyes in annoyance but didn't care about it.
"Lana?" she called for her sister and opened the first cubicle door in her path, and thankfully, Lana was there, curled up on a closed toilet.
"Go away." She sniffed.
"Lana…" Lynn started gently, and rubbed her arm, not knowing what to do? Sooner or later, Lana would have to face the awful truth. The others might grief for a bit but would probably get over it quickly, but not Lana. To her, the family pets were every bit as much family as her actual blood, human relatives.
She kneeled down and placed a hand on Lana's shoulder. "Lana, can we please talk?"
Lana buried her face into her knees and turned away. Lynn sighed.
"Lana, I'm sorry you had to find out about this the way you did…."
"What do you mean?" Lana's suddenly looked up at her, enraged and crying hot tears. "You saying Renee's right. They're-"
"Lana! Will you listen!" Lynn raised her voice, making her sister shrink. Lynn immediately regretted it and sighed.
"I'm sorry…look, you shouldn't listen to that idiot Renee. She's full of crap. Just because she talks some nonsense it doesn't mean it has to be true."
The teary-eyed tomboy looked at her silently. "But what about you?"
"Me?"
"I heard what you were talking about." Lana said firmly, wiping tears from her eyes. "I'm not stupid."
"I never said you were stupid." Lynn insisted.
"Then why are you and Lincoln trying to lie to me? I know what I heard!"
"Lana, I told you not to listen to it…" Lynn raised her voice again. "I told you, Lincoln was jumping to conclusions, as was Ryan. I wanted to tell them that they were full of shit, but I thought you might try to eavesdrop on us, so I just got them to shut up."
"So, you don't believe that Charles and Geo and Walt…are gone?" Lana asked.
Lynn went stiff, her throat drying up. She could have lied right there, told Lana what she wanted to hear, have her face the ugly truth sometime later. But, she couldn't bring herself to do it.
Maybe it was the thought that Lana would never forgive her once she figured out that she's been feed lies? Maybe it was because she thought that Lana would be all the more crushed if she was given false hope, she didn't know for sure. But something urged her to come clean.
"I….I just don't know….I really don't know…" she said sincerely.
"What do you mean you don't know?" Lana sniffed.
"Lana, I don't know what happened to them. Lincoln doesn't know, Ryan doesn't, mom and dad don't know. None of us do."
She wasn't entirely honest, she knew, more or less, where Walt went. But Lana had taken a shine to Marceline. With most of the family's pets unacquainted for, why should she soil Lana's opinion on another pet who could give her some comfort while she grieved? "Cats do what cats do, it's nature" wasn't something a 5-year-old could comprehend, especially while grieving.
"All we know is that they're missing. It's only been two days, and all we can do is wait and see."
"Wait and see?" Lana asked. "Can't we go and look for them?"
"We could…" Lynn sighed "….but that will have to wait until mom and dad come back. Lana, I know it's hard not knowing where they are. Believe me, I've been worried about Charles ever since we found Cliff alone in the woods. If he's okay, he'll come back, same for the others. Dogs are very durable, I know that much."
Lana looked at her. Her big sister didn't seem to be lying to her. She didn't tell her what she desperately wanted to hear, but she didn't confirm the things that she feared either. She was being honest with her.
She jumped off the toilet and hugged Lynn, sniffing softly. Lynn hugged her back. They stayed quiet for a moment, but Lynn remembered something. What Lana had overheard didn't simply cover their pets' disappearance.
"You want to know the rest?"
"Rest?" Lana looked up, her head leaning on her sister's shoulder.
"Why we took Charles to the vet a few days back, and why he wore that pet cone?" Lynn didn't know what had possessed her to say it, but she couldn't stop herself.
"Mom…mom said he got into a fight with another dog?"
Lynn sighed. "That's true, but what we didn't tell her or dad is that he got into a fight protecting me and Ryan."
"Huh?" Lana didn't follow.
Sighing, Lynn stood up and looked at her. "Please promise me to keep this between us? Mom and dad would flip out if they learned about this. It's long over, I wasn't hurt and knowing it would just cause them stress and strain."
She didn't wait for a response and continued. Lana looked up at her, listening carefully.
"Me and Ryan went swimming, by that gorge where the bridge is. It was just supposed to be the two of us, and Charles, but Marceline followed us there as well. They chased after a chipmunk and ran into the woods. But then, they were chased out of the woods."
"What happened?"
"We ran across a wolf." Lynn replied, spitting out the last word like venom. Lana's eyes widened.
"Yes, a big, ugly, grizzled wolf with a missing eye. He attacked us and Charles attacked him, trying to defend us."
"He fought a wolf?" Lana asked in amazement, despite her tears blurring her vision.
Lynn adopted an awkward expression. "Not exactly, he's just a twenty-pound dog after all, so the wolf one-upped him pretty fast, but it took some real guts trying to fight a wolf. But in the end, me and Ryan had to fight him off."
Lana gaped in awe. Lynn wanted to boast, but she was still stuck in honest mode, so she couldn't. "Well….not really, we were totally outmatched, but we did trick him, though kind of by accident, into getting his head stuck in a tree. Then we grabbed Charles and Marceline and got the hell out of there."
Lana tried to process that. Suddenly everything she heard Lincoln and Ryan say added up. That was some feat for a little dog. A very brave feat for sure. Poor Marceline? That must have been scary for her, and Charles…..Charles?
"We found Cliff in the woods?" she realized. "Did they meet the wolf…."
"We don't know, Lana." Lynn sighed dejectedly. "We just don't know….."
To her surprise, Lana didn't voice any displeasure, demanding an answer from her she couldn't give her. She just leaned closer and hugged her sister, pressing her head against her torso, as she tried to digest all of this. Lynn exhaled and patted her back gently.
"Lana, I'm sorry I didn't come clean. I just didn't know who to turn to, or if I would get into trouble…."
"Why would you get into trouble?" Lana asked in bewilderment. "You were attacked?"
"Guess I was…" Lynn chuckled lightly "….me and Ryan did tell Lincoln about it, he might be a worrywart but he's not judgmental or impulsive. He also thought no harm no foul, and agreed that we should stay quiet. We weren't hurt and Charles got medical attention, so there was no point in giving mom and dad more stress than they already had."
"I understand, they would just freak out…."
Lynn was relieved. Her secret was safe with Lana. And the talk they had hadn't flown over her head.
"So, how about we get out of here? It's late and we'll be heading back home. Who knows, maybe if we call mom and dad, we'll get permission to be roomies tonight." Lynn told her, hoping to improve her mood.
"Okay…" Lana sniffed "…can I just stay here for a few more minutes, I think I need to go number one."
"Very well…" Lynn smiled and headed for the door. "We'll be waiting for you and I'll try not to punch Renee in her smug face."
Lana smiled a bit, but hoped her sister was just joking. Lynn closed the door and she heard her leave the bathroom.
Once she was gone, Lana sat back on the toilet and soon shed another tear. So Charles, Geo and Walt could be gone, they might never come back? Lana hugged herself and slouched, she didn't' want to accept that, but it was slowly starting to dawn on her that she couldn't escape the harsh reality. Not knowing what happened to them made it worse.
The door suddenly opened again, and she heard someone whistling. That person opened another door, right next to where Lana was sitting and sat down.
"Hey, kid, ya feelin' alright?" she heard a gruff, male voice.
Lana was shocked. "What the heck? What are you doing in the girl's room!"
"Girl's room?" the man chuckled. "Whatcha talkin' about, kiddo? This is the man's room, didn't ya see the sign? Or did your tears blur your vision?"
"It's the boys' room?" Lana asked, realizing that she hadn't really looked where she was going and blushed madly. "Ah, crud…"
"Ah, don't worry 'bout it, we all make this mistake, your secret's safe with me." The man reassured her.
Lana was relieved but she couldn't help but think that the man's voice sounded familiar.
"Wait a sec? Flip?"
"You got me, guess I tend to make a strong impression on the bozos-eh, I mean on the nice folk I meet." The mustached, obese conman admitted. "You're one of the Loud kids, ain't ya?"
Lana frowned and groaned quietly. Not this jerk again? He was as sleazy and underhanded as he was wide.
"Heard you lost a pet? Yeah, real shame, I know how that feels." he told her sympathetically while clutching his chest and forcing out some tears. "I lost my dog when I was a kid, it hurt real bad. I still miss….eh…Rex? Yeah Rex, he was such a good dog. We had so much fun together."
Lana was unmoved. "Yeah, sure. You probably sold him for three bucks." She scoffed.
"What? Never!" Flip gasped. "Dogs are man's best friend. No person worth a damn would ever sell out their best friend."
"I'm not buying your junk, whatever that is." Lana said curtly and jumped off the toilet. "I'm wise to your tricks."
"Tricks? Oh no, I'm not up to anythin'. Cross my heart, hope to die." Flip insisted, doing the mandatory gesture as well.
"Then why are you here?"
"To eat healthy, of course. Doctor's orders!" Flip laughed while shaking his gut. "I kinda let myself go."
Lana quietly snorted. She supposed that made sense.
"Y'see, kid. I saw you cryin' and I felt bad for ya." Flip cut to the chase. "I wanted to see if ya were okay, but I didn't want to intrude on you and your sister. So I waited outside, but you didn't come out?"
"I had to go number one, I'm going now." Lana went and grabbed the handle.
"Wow, wait!" Flip exclaimed. "At least lemme give you somethin'."
"I told ya, I'm not buying your junk." Lana groaned.
"I'm not lookin' for money, this is free." Flip explained and slipped a flat, rectangular object bellow the wall separating them. Lana looked at it and picked it up. It was a big bar of chocolate.
"Huh? What's the catch?" she asked curtly.
"No catch, honest. If I wanted money I would've come up to you and your family tryin' to sell it. I felt bad for you and was hopin' this might make you feel better."
Lana considered his offer. "Kids aren't supposed to take candy from a stranger, or shady conmen."
"Ah, you are a smart tyke." Flip told her flatteringly. "But I ain't askin' for any favors or for you to come with me. This is just a token of my empathy you can take or throw away, your choice."
As he said that he got up and opened the door, and started walking.
Lana studied the bar of chocolate she was given and her eyes widened. "Wait? This is a Super Sugary Sugar Bar with extra sugar?"
"You betcha." Flip said at the doorway. "And I added my own ingredient for extra flavor." He thought smugly.
"I thought they were outlawed for giving kids diabetes?"
"Sure are, but I've got my ways." Flip shrugged and opened the door. "But hey, if that's too much sweets for ya, you can toss it in the trash." Without another word, he left the premise.
Lana looked at the bar, sweating and licking her lips. She knew better than to take something from a guy like Flip, but candy has always been a little kid's weakness.
"There he went, fellas." Lyle pointed Hank and Hawk at the store across the street. "He'll be coming out any second."
"He's gonna rue the day he opened his big yap." Hank punched his palm, as did his brother.
Lyle patted Hank on the back as he and Hawk rushed off. "Go get him…" Lyle shouted before smirking and muttering to himself "….you brainless pieces of shit."
Ryan walked out of the store carrying a bag of chicken nuggets and slurping a coke, savoring the delicious taste on his taste buds.
Until he collided into someone and stumbled back. "Hey, watch where you're going you big, dumb…." He stopped as he looked up at the towering brutes.
Hank's big meaty hand grabbed him by the throat and lifted him, making him drop his coke and nuggets.
"…eh….I mean…" Ryan laughed nervously and shrugged"….how may help you kind, handsome gentlemen?"
"Nobody talks shit about our momma!" Hawk pointed at him, getting spit all over his face as he yelled.
"Wha-ahg!" the bemused Ryan choked as Hank tightened his grip on his throat.
"You can say whatever you want about us, but NOBODY insults our momma, pipsqueak!" Hank growled.
"Ha, you're one to talk, shrimp!" Hawk laughed bitterly. "You look like you hit every branch when you fell out of the ugly tree!"
Ryan clung on to Hank's arm, trying to keep himself from being hanged by his own bodyweight. "What are you talking about? Who are you people?" he croaked in a strained voice. "I've never seen you."
"But you sure talked a lot about us, and our momma!" Hank yelled as he came all up in Ryan's face.
"Eh…I'm not following guys?" Ryan tried to talk. "Who the hell told you I was-"
"Don't try to weasel your way out this, we ain't stupid!" Hawk told him. "You opened your mouth, Shorty, and now you're gonna eat our fists!"
"Yeah, we'll mess up your face…..or…..mess it up more than it already is!" Hank added.
Ryan gulped. Maybe hanging out with Renee and eating tofu burgers wasn't such a bad gig after all?
Charles couldn't bring himself to drift off. Even though he was exhausted beyond belief, staggering all the way back home with a wounded leg, and his bed was really soft and inviting, he couldn't fall asleep. He soon got an idea why, as his stomach started growling. He could feel the hole inside of him. He hadn't eaten anything for two days, and he was the end of his strength.
Marceline walked back into the living room, dragging a plucked and headless turkey in her jaws and lied down. Catching the scent of turkey, Charles managed to lift his head up and licked his lips feebly, as his eyes bulged.
Once she started to dig in, Marceline heard a feeble whimper and looked up to see Charles standing just a few feet away from her.
Marceline growled and clutched her dinner, while Charles just looked at her, whimpering, shaking and looking all around sad and pathetic. Marceline ceased growling. Cats weren't known for sharing, yet she didn't feel particularly aggressive or protective of her meal. She didn't know what had come over her but she didn't tear the bull terrier's nose off the moment he started advancing towards her.
He just looked so pitiful; somehow she couldn't bring herself to hiss or swipe as he lied down next to her and his jaws slowly connected with the turkey's wing. He must have been really hungry to be willing to risk bodily harm? And he was, Charles knew he was making a big risk, yet his immense hunger clouded any common sense the disheveled and exhausted canine had.
Marceline let out a barely audible growl but didn't try to stop him. She supposed she couldn't eat a whole turkey by herself, but the mutt could only eat so much before she decided that-
With a sudden burst of strength, Charles yanked the turkey away from her and before Marceline could comprehend what happened, he had wolfed down and reduced the turkey to a few bones, before dropping down with a thud and burping.
Marceline stared in disbelief before growling at him. Charles didn't seem to notice it as he rolled onto his side, looking very content. Marceline sat down and growled in a way that sounded an awful lot like grumbling. This was what she get's for being nice to a gluttonous mutt.
The quiet moment was interrupted by the sound of glass shattering, which made both of them jolt in fright, just in time to see a crowbar spinning through the air and flying towards them. Screeching and yelping, they jumped out of the way, as the metal bar bounced off the floor and hit the wall. Marceline flinched as it fell to the floor, and trotted around the foreign object and joined Charles as they heard a voice.
"Ah….sharp, sharp, sharp, sharp….." Clyde whimpered as he maneuvered his arm past the broken shards of glass to open the window and pull it up. He hadn't planned for the crowbar to break loose, fly back, bounce off a tree and make him duck, as it smashed through the window.
"I'm sure Lincoln will be too appreciative of his best friends rescuing him to care about one broken window?" Clyde tried to reassure himself as he placed one foot in and clumsily climbed into the living room, only to find it empty, with no signs of a struggle. The kitchen was also visibly empty.
Once he was greeted by the eerie silence of the house, Clyde started quivering. Maybe this was a bad idea? What if Luan had indeed captured him? Or maybe it wasn't Luan but someone else? Maybe it was that Ryan creep, pretending to be Lincoln's friend so he could get close to him and do who knows what to him?
Whoever was the orchestrator of this, Clyde was unquestionably terrified of facing them. Breaking into the villain's lair was lot easier than facing the villain. And even the former required backbreaking labor and some dumb luck. Why did Ace Savvy always make it look so easy?
"Maybe I should turn tail and run?" Clyde was seriously considering it before trying to collect himself. "No, you're One-Eyed Jack. One-Eyed Jack would never leave Ace Savvy hanging! You can do this!" he told himself, but couldn't find his courage.
"Or maybe I could reason with the captor to release Lincoln and keep the sisters? That's a reasonable suggestion? Who'll miss Lynn, or Lola, or the weird emo sister? I can comfort Lincoln about it later." He considered.
Clyde carefully edged towards the stair. If nobody was here, then they had to be upstairs? Gulping, Clyde started ascending the stairs, pulling his paper bag out of his pocket to breathe in and out of it to calm his nerves.
Charles and Marceline watched the intruder from a safe distance. Was he a burglar or a lost birthday clown? His appearance suggested the latter. One thing was for sure, he failed to intimidate them, which was bad news for him.
"Wait? Emo sister?" it dawned on Clyde. "Wasn't she the one who called me to say Lori was…..oh my gosh!"
Clyde's knees started shaking as he considered the possibility. There was always something wrong with Lucy, she screamed "bad news" from her looks alone. What if she was behind this? Why else would she call him? Prank calling was Luan's thing. Was this some kind of psychotic tic of hers, where she announced her fowl intentions before enacting them? Just like so many comic book super villains! What horrors could she be subjecting Lincoln to? Maybe she was waiting upstairs right now, with a knife in one hand and a body bag in the other? Just for him?
"I gotta get out of here!" Clyde started hyperventilating and scrambled down the stairs, only to be stopped by Marceline.
Clyde yelped and stepped back as the cat made him freeze with her steely gaze. This intruder had chosen the wrong house to plunder. Even ignoring that, there was just something hateable about this person. She couldn't quite pinpoint the reason, but she felt the urge to hurt him.
Clyde let out a girlish yelp as she hissed at him, extending her claws and raising the hair on her back.
"Eh….nice kitty…." He stepped back. He noticed another figure just behind the cat.
"Charles?" he was befuddled by the funnel the dog was wearing, but had not time to dwell on it. "Charles! It's me, Clyde!" he pointed at himself. "Lincoln's best friend in the whole world? His brother from another mother? Can you please get this cat away from me?" he begged as Marceline kept advancing towards him, forcing him further up the stairs and trapping him.
Charles responded by baring his teeth and joined Marceline's side. He might have been weak, but he was never too weak to guard his home from intruders.
Clyde's face fell, as the severity of his situation became apparent. "Charles? Good boy, good boy…you wouldn't hurt me-"
"Woof!"
"MEOW!"
"AHHHH!" Clyde screamed and ran up the stairs, only to trip over his own feet and tumbled into the hallways. Charles grabbed the leg of his pants, tearing it clean off as Clyde made a mad dash towards the nearest door. Just as he grabbed the door handle, Charles lunged and sank his teeth into the intruder's behind while Marceline jumped onto his head, digging her claws into his scalp.
Clyde's scream echoed through the whole house, and he forced his way into the twins' room, startling the snipes, as well as Lana's pets. He stumbled to the floor and rolled onto his back.
"Take this!" he threw his "shuriken" cards at his attackers, only for them to slowly waft across the air, briefly confusing Marceline and Charles, and allowing Clyde to scrambled to his feet.
"Aha!" Clyde pulled his "stun gun" and pulled the trigger, spraying some water into Marceline's face, then into Charles'. Clyde's brief feeling of triumph faded, and he wet his tights as they gave him murderous glares in response.
"I thought cats were terrified of water? And it made dogs obedient?" he whimpered as he was backed against the wall.
But before fangs and claws could dig into him, Hops jumped and grabbed Clyde by the face, Izzy lunged and bit his arm, Gretchen sank her fangs into his exposed shin, and the other reptiles and amphibians joined in on the attack.
Clyde screamed and flailed around, grabbing his last remaining weapon, his bola, and swung it clumsily, only to somehow wind up tying up his own legs with it.
"Whoa!" Clyde fell back, landing on the frame of the open window, with his head and torso dangling from it.
"No! No! No!" Clyde screamed and the little critters backed off as Charles and Marceline slid under his legs and pushed them up, making him tip forward and plummet to his doom. Luckily for Clyde, a branch broke his fall, and he broke it, before landing semi-softly on a bush down bellow. Shaking with fear, Clyde slowly opened his eyes and realized what had happened. This wasn't so bad?
He let out a sigh of relief before the branch fell on him. Needles to say, it hurt….a lot.
"Owww….." he whimpered and before losing consciousness, he saw Ace Savvy and One-Eyed Jack, tall, imposing and with tight spandex wrapped around their statuesque bodies like in the comics, crossing their arms and shaking their heads at him in disapproval. Rolling his head to the other side, he saw Ryan, Lynn, Lucy and Bobby laughing at him with a tied up and terrified Lincoln and Lori in their grasps.
"I'm sorry, I trieeeeeed….." Clyde wept before blacking out.
Above him, on the second floor, cheers in the form of barking, meowing, ribbting and hissing roared across the room as the animals gathered at the window to watch the defeated intruder.
Marceline and Charles looked at each other, the cat being surprised how much fun she just had and with a dog no less? If only Renee could have seen them take care of this weirdly-dressed pirate/burglar person, she'd be eating her words now. It was cause for celebration, until Marceline noticed the small critters surrounding them and licked her chops. Celebratory snacks!
Charles saw what she was doing and grew nervous, knowing he had to intervene. They had been working so well together until now.
"I'm not getting anyone…." After listening to the ringing for two minutes Lincoln ended his call, using Renee's phone. Most of his sisters were visibly disappointed, except for Lynn, who was too busy glaring daggers at Renee.
"Sorry, girls. I think they're preoccupied with the fu….eh the fun they're having celebrating Lori's quinceanera." He corrected himself and chuckled. "Those mariachi bands are always so loud, you can't even hear yourself think."
"Sigh. That's disappointing." Lucy replied, sharing a glance with the likewise disappointed Luan.
"Ugh. My perfect revenge isn't working, and I'll have to spend another night in the same room as that…..thing!" Lola was beyond angry. Her parents were going to get some for partying all night in another town instead of paying attention to her needs!
"Looks like the big move ain't happening tonight." Lynn shrugged, her tone bitter. "Not like our kind babysitter would allow that?"
Renee ignored her, and glanced at the darkening sky. "Where is that brat?" she asked Lynn curtly, immediately getting on her nerve. "We have to go before it's past your curfew."
"Oh, I don't know!" Lynn retorted. "Maybe she's still trying to pull herself back together after you made her cry?"
"Lynn, please…" Lincoln gently grabbed her arms.
"I made her cry?" Renee cocked an eyebrow. "From what I have seen, you didn't make much of an effort to conceal your pets' unfortunate fate from your little sister? She clearly already knew about it from-"
Everyone jolted as Lynn stood up, slamming her hands into the table. "Who do you think you are?!"
"Indoor voice. This isn't a football field." Renee lectured her.
Lincoln was frightened by the anger bubbling just below Lynn's surface.
"Do you feel any regret?" she asked Renee. "For making a 5-year-old cry?"
"No." Renee said emotionlessly. "It's not my fault she made a fuss over such an unimportant matter."
"Unimpor-that's Charles you're talking about!" Lynn snapped. "You have no idea…"
"Lynn, take it easy…" Lincoln stood up and shook her by the shoulder, but to no avail.
"Lynn's right." Everyone was shocked to hear that coming out of Lucy's mouth.
"That was very cruel of you." She continued hoarsely.
"Yes, she's right." Luan chimed in, encouraged by her little sister's bold words. "That….that was uncalled for." Renee narrowed her eyes, just a bit.
"Um…Renee?" Leni started meekly. "I don't think you meant it, but that was kinda harsh of you? I didn't even know Charles, Geo and Walt were missing."
"And why should I be concerned about that?" Renee shrugged, her expression returning to one of bland indifference.
"How about you concern yourselves with other people's feelings!" Lynn came stomping towards her.
Lincoln rushed to grab her arm and jumped between her and Renee.
"Wait, Lynn!" he panicked, pressing one hand into her chest. "It's not worth it."
"Are you challenging my authority?" Renee stood up as well, with only Lincoln standing between her and Lynn.
Caleel, one of the waiters, saw this as he was cleaning the old couple's table, and grew concerned.
"Wow, ladies!" He rushed to their table and tried to calm them down. "If you're having an issue, please take it outside. We want no trouble."
Lisa, Luan and Lucy grew nervous from the rising tension, as was Lincoln, and he was literary in the middle of the incoming fight.
"Yes! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Lola cheered inwardly. Perhaps this day won't be a total waste?
Leni was both concerned and worried. "Girls, you're not gonna…"
Luna watched the scene, stunned, when it hit her that this was just the type of distraction she needed? Only to remember that she was still cuffed to Leni?
"Maybe I am?" Lynn retorted cockily, barely hiding the contempt in her voice.
"Lynn, you don't mean that?" Lincoln begged her.
Renee, to everyone's surprise, grew a little smile. "Really? I would like to see you try that?"
It was a challenge if there ever was one. Lynn couldn't back down now. She had waited all day for this! She would give this cunt what she had coming!
"Heya, guys! What-ya-doing!" Lana's voice cut in. Everyone was caught off guard and looked over their shoulders.
"Hihihi…" Lana giggled before hiccupping. Lynn, Lincoln, Renee and the others stared at her in confusion.
Lana was standing there, twitching and shaking uncontrollably, her cap was missing and her hair was wild and frizzy, her eyes bloodshot and she sported a huge, toothy grin, with the sides of her mouth smeared with a brown substance.
"Lana?" Lynn asked, suddenly forgetting about caving in Renee's face. Lana giggled and started blinking with one eye at a time in rapid succession.
"Lana, are you okay?" the jock asked worriedly.
"Okay?!" Lana exclaimed while flashing the biggest grin imaginable. "I-feel-SUPER!"
Mr. Grouse, Flip, Grant, Hank and Hawk, and Maggie (if you count a single appearance as "minor character"), I wasn't kidding.
Was this much? I feel like they were too many plotlines going on. But following yet another hiatus, I felt the need to make a comeback with something elaborate, to make any potential reader's time worth the wait.
Charles is back, you thought I was going to kill him off? Well, I've toyed with the idea but chose not to in the end. I'm not that cynical. Like before, Charles proved himself to be a loyal dog, even while injured and weak. Can't keep a good dog down. One can only imagine what he went through trying to find his way back home off-screen for two days. Perhaps I'll show it in a flashback in a later chapter.
This is probably the most effective Lyle has been as a villain so far, successfully getting Ryan into a shitload of trouble without lifting a finger. He has been something of a joke villain in his previous chapters, if a dangerous joke villain nonetheless, as Lynn is the only Loud who is a fighter, so I thought he needed to be a bit more effective this time around. But sicing Hank and Hawk on his hated enemy is nothing compared to the mayhem he'll get to cause in the next chapter.
The show has a major problem with wasting antagonists that showed potential by softening them up after their debut, like Chandler. I introduced Flip in this chapter (properly that is), another character that I think was wasted potential for a villain, so here I brought him back as a proper unrepentant scumbag who gives drugged candy to a little girl to further a scheme of his. This will give the protagonist a lot of trouble in the next chapter. I have more story ideas for Flip down the lines, should they come into fruition.
It's ironic how Renee called Lucy a sociopath, when she herself hasn't exactly shown much in the way of human empathy, as shown here when she made Lana cry, or maybe she just doesn't understand why humans would feel an emotional attachment to animals? Either way, she's cold. Regardless, this action has undoubtedly pushed Lynn to her breaking point, meaning it's unlikely she'll be able to put up with Renee's crap for much longer. The same could be said with her attitude towards Luan. Now that she knows Ryan has friendzoned Luan in no uncertain terms, jealously and hormones might make her do something that will seriously taint her already strained relationship with Luan, to say nothing of how heartbroken the emotionally-fragile Luan will be.
On the upside, Lynn has become comfortable confiding in someone besides Lincoln, being more truthful and open with Lana. And seems Lana really is listening to her big sister's warning. Too bad she just ate something she shouldn't have….
