"Ah! No! Help!" one kid squirmed as he was being dragged off, very slowly and laboriously, by another kid in a kaiju suit.
Lola watched them while hiding behind one of the towering lego buildings. She mused about what to do next? How to win these simpletons over and turn them against Lana?
"Where is she anyway? Not important!" Lola thought. "Now think? In this situation, how can you endear yourself to these twits without insulting, threatening or blackmailing them?"
"Rawr! I will eat you for supper!" "Anguirus" attacked her and grabbed her arm.
Lola seethed. She didn't have time for this crap.
"Back off, Horn-Head!" she yelled and knocked him to the floor. "Can't you see I'm thinking here!"
The costumed kid cowered. "But…but you're supposed to be my captive-"
"Captive?" Lola laughed curtly. "Oh, boo-hoo! Sorry to burst your bubble, but I have more important things to do than to humor a pathetic and totally unscary excuse for a monster like you who can't even roar properly and whose parents are no doubts ashamed of him and wish he was never born! No beat it, you miserable walking pin cushion!"
Weeping, the kid crawled away in fear and Lola shook her head in annoyance. The nerve of some people?
Suddenly she noticed some faces peeking from the local dam, which was just a flipped-over couch. They quickly hid again upon seeing her glance in their direction. Lola smiled. This was her opportunity.
She stopped as she saw the kid dressed as Rodan knock down a building, forcing two "civilians" hiding behind it to flee as the monster chased after them. Lola slipped by while they were distracted and hid behind the "dam", finding around six kids hiding behind it.
"Why hello there? I'm so sorry if I interrupted anything important?" Lola put on a friendly façade. "Mind if I join you?"
The kids looked at each other. "Aren't you that mean girl who wanted us to be her servants?" a girl with sandy hair and an arm cast asked.
Lola felt the urge to yell at her, but used every ounce of will-power not to. She couldn't disappoint Kathleen with poor impulse control.
"Why, yes…yes, yes, I totally am." She nodded, trying hard not to gag on her own words. "And I've come back to say how terribly…." She paused while trying to remember that word. "I'm terribly s…sss…sooo…"
"You're sorry?" the girl with the cast asked again.
"Yes, that." Lola nodded. "I'm really sss…sorry for being such a jerk, and I was hoping to redeem myself?"
The kids looked at each other again. "Well, that's okay then?" one of them shrugged. The others nodded in agreement.
Lola was surprised by how easy this was. Lana's ugly rumors must not have reached this particular bunch. Okay, the first hurdle had been conquered, she said the dreaded "s-word". Now it was time to get them over to her side.
"Aww….you are too gracious, I don't deserve your kindness." She said sweetly, while vomiting on the inside. "So you wouldn't mind if I join your game?"
"Sure, why not."
"Well, that's great, just one question? What are we playing?"
"We're the humans who have to hide from the kaijus." Said one of them. "If they catch us, they'll drag us to the lair of the Kaiju Queen, where we'll be eaten."
"And who's that queen?" Lola inquired, even though it was easy to guess. "Isn't that Goozulla or whatever that overgrown iguana is called?"
"No, Mandy is playing Godzilla." The girl with the cast said. "Lana is playing the queen, I think she calls herself Ōsanshōua."
Lola tried not to laugh. She was no expert on Japanese movie monsters, but she was certain Lana made that character up just so she could appoint herself boss. How vain and petty could you get?
"Focus! You have to get them on your side?" Lola cleared her throat. "So let me get this straight? You built this grandiose city and got amazing, lifelike monster costumes just so you could play hide and seek?"
The others all stared at her, before exchanging glances.
"Well….yeah?"
"What's wrong with that?"
"Oh, nothing really. Hide and seek is a great game." Lola shrugged nonchalantly. "It's just that, in my humble opinion, there is so much more you could do with this premise than just hiding from monsters."
"Like what?" she had their attention.
"And by the way? Why did none of you get to play kaijus?" Lola asked, saving her answer to their first question. The kids looked at her blankly.
"I mean? Don't you find it boring playing everyday schmoes who just exist to be captured by the monsters?"
"Well…I wanted to play a kaiju, but Lana said she didn't have enough costumes?" the girl with the cast said.
"Me too."
"I wanted to be Mothra, but that jerk Tommy stole the costume from me!"
Three more kids agreed. "Yes, and we wanted to be Ghidorah, but the Johnson triplets tripped us and grabbed the costume!"
Lola gasped. "That's so unfair!"
"It is?"
"Why of course! It's clear to me that you poor kids have all been cheated! Lana kicked you to the curb and left you playing the lowly victims."
"She did?"
"That wasn't very nice?"
"Doesn't look very nice to me?" Lola nodded. "Why, maybe you shouldn't take this lying down?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well…and this is just an idea…" Lola started "….instead of just hiding like simpering cowards and wait for the monster to grab you, maybe you could…..I don't know….like maybe…"
"Fight the monsters?" the girls with the cast asked.
"Wow! That's a great idea!" Lola scooted closer to her and patted her back. "You…you have the makings of a true leader."
"You really think so?" the girl looked flattered.
Sucker! "Yes, you do!" Lola nodded. "What's your name?"
"Angie."
"I think General Angie is a more fitting title for someone as smart as you. Why I propose we make her the leader of the resistance to fight the kaijus? After all, she was the one who came up with the idea!"
"I did?" Angie asked.
"Don't be modest, you were born for this role." Lola insisted. "So what do the rest of you say? You want to teach those overgrown lizards and bugs why humans are the superior race!"
The other kids cheered in agreement. Lola smiled to herself. She owed Kathleen so much for her brilliance.
"Squawk! You're mine now!" the kids screamed as they saw "Rodan" standing atop of the dam and flapping his wings.
"Wrong, Polly." Lola grinned and was suddenly holding a jump rope. "You're ours now!"
Without warning, she lunged at the boy and tackled him to the ground before swiftly tying him up.
"Hey! What are you doing! You can't-agh!" the boy gasped as Lola pulled on the rope, tying it tighter around his waist.
"The rules have changed, Bird Brain! Humanity ain't taking this invasion lying down!" Lola bragged before stuffing a rubber ball into his mouth to shut him up.
The kids cheered. "Wow, you brought Rodan down all by yourself!" Angie said in amazement.
"Oh, it was nothing, sir. It was your belief in me, as well as those of all these other brave kids that gave me the strength to do it." Lola insisted, trying not to gag.
"What should we do next, Angie?" one of the kids asked.
The girl looked unsure, until Lola whispered something into her ear.
"Oh, we should find a base of operations and take the pterodactyl with us, and then plot our next move?" She said.
"Stellar idea, general." Lola praised her. "That settles it then! But before we go, does anyone else have any more brilliant input to give? Don't be shy. We will need all our superior brains to defeat these monsters."
"Maybe we could capture more of them….to gather information?" one boy suggested.
"That's brilliant! I never would have thought of that!" Lola feigned surprise. "I propose we make you Vice General!"
"Check mate!" Darcy cheered and clapped her hands.
"You keep besting me. Clearly you're my intellectual superior." Lisa rolled her eyes. Yes, Darcy defiantly liked playing chess. The problem was that she wasn't particularly good at it and it didn't require a genius of Lisa's caliber to figure out that her grandfather was just mollycoddling her and throwing the game on purpose so Darcy wouldn't have to deal with the soul-crushing experience of defeat. So much for giving this average-minded roob some intellectual exercise during her formative years?
But since it was her job to make Darcy happy, Lisa had to do the same thing and suppress every single urge not to make the most strategically unsound moves possible. She hoped Darcy's short attention span would kick in soon and they could move on to some other activity.
"What?" Darcy blinked.
Lisa sighed. "You are smart."
"Oh, thanks. I'm sure you can play chess better if I teach you how?"
"That's very gracious of you, but I don't think we have time for that, you only have me for a few more hours." Lisa politely "declined".
"Oh…" Darcy looked sad. "Will you be back tomowow?"
"Unlikely, me and my siblings don't wish to stick with this volunteer group." Lisa explained. "It's more of a one-time thing."
"So you're not coming back?"
"Probably not." Lisa said simply before noticing that Darcy seemed upset. "Why are you sad?"
Darcy rubbed her arm. "Well…..I don't want you to go."
"Why?"
"I like you?" Darcy said innocently, but that simple statement confused Lisa.
"Why? We just met like an hour ago?"
Darcy just blinked, still seeming upset. Lisa grew nervous. Darcy wasn't supposed to be despondent, it was her job to make this kid happy. But why did Darcy insinuate that she had formed an emotional attachment to her?
"Right, right, because she's a simple-minded toddler." Lisa reasoned. "It doesn't require much for them to become invested in something or someone, just look at the twins? Heck, look at my adolescent sisters? They don't make decisions based on logic as much as fleeting emotions?"
"But then again?" Lisa hastily added. "Maybe I will come back. There…there aren't too many kids my age I can match wits with at chess."
Darcy smiled a bit, seemingly not feeling the need to ask any further questions. Lisa was relieved at the positive development, but also amazed how simple the inner workings of an average 3-year-old were.
She also felt a bit guilty though. She was lying. She didn't have intentions of returning here. But then again? She could still return to Darcy?
"Gweat." Darcy bounced a little in her bed. "But can we play something else? This is getting bowing." She looked at the chessboard.
"Oh, thank Galileo." Lisa was beyond relieved. Suppressing her compulsive need to flaunt and utilize her intellect was beyond excruciating.
"Terrific idea." Lisa was quick to jump out of her chair. "Any suggestions as for our next activity? Preferably one that requires close to zero cognitive reasoning?"
"Huh?"
"Ugh….eh…what do you want to do next?"
"I dunno…" Darcy shook her head. "What do you want to do?"
"Me?"
"Yes, you."
"Look, I'm not one to ask about this kind of subject."
"Why?" Darcy blinked.
"Because…because I'm not a very fun person."
"Why? You wewen't bowing to me?"
Lisa groaned. "Look, the point is that you are the one who is meant to have fun, I'm just here to provide you with companionship. So, what do you want us to do? Better think about it now, because I can't be here all day."
Darcy scratched her head and seemed to be pondering. "Well….I want to go to the play area?"
Lisa cocked an eyebrow. "You weren't there before?" Darcy just shook her head.
"Are you allowed to go there?" Lisa inquired. "Are you allowed to leave your bed and move around? I don't want to worsen your-"
"Yes, I can leave my bed. My nurse says it's okay."
"Then why didn't you?"
Darcy looked uncomfortable and hugged Rafo. "It's kinda scary. I don't know anyone here?"
"And that scares you?" Lisa asked, Darcy just nodded again.
Lisa thought about it. She supposed being all alone in a big, foreign building and mingling with strangers without the emotional support of your parents would be scary for a toddle? At least she assumed so?
Sighing, she offered Darcy her hand and simply said, "Well, I'm not a stranger to you, right? I'll be with you the whole way."
Darcy showed no hesitance. She immediately grabbed Lisa's hand and hopped down. Lisa headed for the play area, but found her companion still squeezing her hand. She guessed Darcy didn't want to break their literal bond.
"Let's go then." She led her to the play area. "So why do you wish to do there?"
"The nurse said you can do arts and crafts?"
"Good, something disgustingly simple. No thinking required." Lisa was pleased. She couldn't recall ever doing arts and crafts, or even playing with a coloring book, so this first try might be mildly intriguing for her.
"Sounds very….convivial." Her response made Darcy giggle.
"You twak funny, and you say funny words?"
Lisa resisted the urge to roll her eyes. But if her speech pattern and choice of vocabulary amused Darcy, then she was at least doing her job properly, even if Darcy was still blissfully unaware of her own hypocrisy.
"So…eh? Arts and crafts? Do you have anything specific in mind? That you want to make there?"
"Friendship bracelets." Darcy responded simply.
"Frie….for me?" Lisa pointed at herself. Darcy nodded.
Lisa wanted to protest and tell her she was being hasty, but chose not to. Now that she thought about it, maybe staying in contact with Darcy wasn't a bad idea, especially once Lisa was inevitably reduced to her level? If Darcy was any indicator of a regular 3-year-old, Lisa would be facing the same issues, such as being easily impressed by anything and being overly attached and dependent on her parents.
If that was the case, having a friend right off the bat would be an advantage. Darcy seemed like a nice kid and Lisa didn't want her dumbed-down self to fall under the toxic influence of a friend that was like Lola or Lori. Actually, she should make a mental note to leave a letter to the most rational member of her family, Lincoln, and tell him to make sure to steer her in the right direction and make sure she doesn't grow up to be like her older sisters, all of them.
Lincoln? Lisa didn't have any second thoughts about keeping him in the dark about her plan to tinker with her own brain. Knowing him, he would probably try to stop her out of some misguided belief that her plan to lower her own IQ wasn't the right or moral way to deal with the problem? Lisa was admittedly not an expert on human morality, but as far she understood, this was the only logical way to deal with the problem.
She didn't want to dwell on that, on what Lincoln or the rest of her family would think about her once she was reduced to normal. They would probably eventually learn to appreciate her sacrifice, which would bring at least a little more normality to their household. And more importantly, remove the possibility of the family suffering a sudden and brutal death.
"Wisa, are you okay?" Darcy's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. Lisa realized they were in the middle of the bustling play area.
"Oh, so here we are?" Lisa tried to act as if she hadn't spaced out. "So, where is the…Darcy?"
She noticed that her companion had wandered off and picked up a ball.
Lisa's face fell. "I don't know how I'm going to function with such a short attention span?"
"So you want to play ball?" Lisa approached her. She couldn't recall ever playing ball either. It involved tossing the round, rubbery object back and forth with your partner, right?
But Darcy didn't seem to be focusing on the ball anymore. Her gaze was fixated on something else, and she pointed at it and exclaimed, "Look, Wisa! A clown!"
Lisa looked and had to suppress a snicker. This was too hilarious to be real.
"Lincaroonie the Looney" (he did not pick that name) was growing out of breath after inflating a dozen balloons. Kathleen conveniently forgot to lend him a pump. He was wearing clown makeup, with a matching red nose and rainbow-colored afro, along with a red clown collar, a frumpy blue jacket over a polka-dotted buttoned-up shirt, red and yellow, vertically striped and oversized pants, and big red clown shoes.
"We want balloon animals!" cried the impatient crowd.
"Just a second…" Lincoln wheezed before inflating the last balloon. He couldn't believe Kathleen had talked him into this. He was beyond happy that nobody his age, as in anyone who could be attending his school, was here to see him like this. If Luan was here, she'd probably say something along the lines of "You're making a clown out of yourself!", and not in jest, as much as unbridled anger, considering who made him do this.
But he really wished she was here. She would have known how to entertain a bunch of little kids and quell an incoming riot of crying. Lincoln's first attempt at making balloon animals didn't go so smoothly, considering he accidentally popped most of them, much to the kids' visible disappointment, forcing him to make a new batch of balloons.
Trying to be more careful, all he accomplished was tying a few of them into a knot. The kids, looked anything but impressed, but better something than nothing.
"Here you go." He handed them out, while putting on a goofy clown voice. "This is a snake that tied itself into a knot." He offered a red one to a girl, then a blue one to a boy. "And this….eh…is an earthworm with stomach cramps."
"He's really choking out there." Lisa noted as she and Darcy sat down among the crowd.
"And this….eh….is a curled-up centipede….ready to morph into a beautiful butterfly." He gave a green one to another girl, who promptly started crying and kicking her legs with displeasure. It incited a chain reaction of complaints.
"I don't like snakes, I want a butterfly!" cried the one with the red balloon.
Trying not to cover his ears, Lincoln attempted to calm them down. He was sweating, which was making his makeup start to crack. "Alright, alright…that was just my warm-up act…eh…..my warm-up, warm-up act. I've got something better." He rushed over to the crate that had been handed over to him and rummaged through it.
If only he had his Ace Savvy costume. Wearing that seemed to elicit laughter more than respect.
"Let's see….there's got to be something I can work with?" He found a unicycle and juggling clubs. No way, he could never do that. Oh, here really, really wished Luan was here. This was her thing. Lincoln made a mental note to commend her for her talent, this stuff wasn't as easy as he thought it was.
"Pardon me, Mr. Lincaroonie? Can I take a picture with you?" he heard a familiar voice that made him jump. As he did that, he was blinded by a flashlight, as the other boy took a snapshot.
Leaning against the other side of the crate was Ryan, sniggering snidely as he typed on his phone.
"Oh, this is definitely going to be my new screensaver. Hilarious, ain't it?" he showed Lincoln the image of the most priceless and perfectly timed snapshot of a startled clown.
"Aren't you supposed to be storytelling?" an annoyed Lincoln asked.
"I'm on soda break, Ronny McDorky. And I didn't want to miss the show." Ryan shrugged, holding a coke in his other hand. Fuming, Lincoln reached out to a nearby stack of cream pies and pelted him in the face. That finally elicited a chorus of laughter from the crowd.
"Glad my show made you laugh, little boy." Lincoln retorted smugly when he suddenly got an idea. "That's it!"
He grabbed the stack of pies. "Thanks a lot, Brian. You gave me a great idea." With that, he turned back to his act, leaving Ryan to remove his shades, revealing an enraged scowl.
"If all else fails, kids will always laugh at another person's misery." He remembered Luan's words of wisdom when it comes to child entertainment. Yikes, entertainers really did put themselves through the wringer to make ends meet? Now he just needed an assistant to help inflict the misery on him.
Lincoln jumped on the small stage and oversaw the crowd. "Alright, I'm gonna need an assistant for my next act? Who wants to join me?"
Lots of hands were raised, but Lincoln spotted a familiar face among the crowd and pointed at her.
"You, girl I never met? How about you come up on stage?"
"Me?" Lisa looked dumbfounded.
"C'mon, Wisa." Darcy encouraged her and Lisa took her brother's hand, pulling her up on stage.
She tried not to snicker at her brother's foolish appearance. "Lincoln, why did you request my assistance?"
The sad clown sighed, not looking forward to this. "That girl next to you is your "buddy"?" he asked, just to make sure Lisa hadn't ditched her duty. The genius just nodded.
"Good, then I need your help to humiliate me."
"Excuse me?" Lisa made a face. Lincoln leaned down and whispered some things to her. After a moment, the two went their separate ways.
Lincoln soon returned, wheeling in a prop door and coming through it. "Mmmm…is that homemade pie I'm smelling?"
Upon saying that, he got pelted in the face. "Yes. Here's a free sample…sucker." Lisa said her line in the most stilted way possible. The crowd erupted with cheers and laughter.
Lincoln wiped his face and sighed. Then another pie was thrown in his face. The kids laughed again.
Shuddering, he walked up to Lisa. "Not like this…" he whispered. "The joke only works with the proper timing."
"They seem to be enjoying it?" Lisa shrugged.
"I know, but if I'm going to make a monkey out of myself, I at least want to have some comedic credibility." Lincoln groaned, more to himself than anything.
"Okay, I understand…" Lisa nodded, then sprayed him with a spray bottle, leaving him looking miserable, with drenched clown hair. The kids laughed again.
"What? Doesn't timing entail striking when you least expect it?"
Wiping the pie from his face with a tissue, Ryan returned to his adoring fans.
"Does anyone else smell banana cream pie?" one of the kids asked his companions.
"Yes, I was on pie break." Ryan deadpanned, not wishing to elaborate on it. "Anyway, where was I with my thrilling tale?"
"You said One Eye went after your girlfriend for revenge?"
"That's it?" Ryan snapped his fingers and motioned for the kids to hush up. They huddled closer and listening to him attentively.
"So after giving him a thorough beatdown, I went back to catching my dinner, but One Eye's vain ego could not be curbed so easily, so he tried to settle the score by attacking those closest to me."
"Help! Help! Please save us!" a frantic Lynn cried inside a shaking Vanzilla, her hair loose and wearing a red dress. She nearly fainted, utterly overwhelmed by a hormonal fit of hysteria.
"He'll come! He'll show this beast who's boss!" Lana said reassuringly, with her cap backward and wearing a familiar outfit consisting of biker gloves, a black shirt and dark jeans.
Lincoln, wearing a diaper instead of his blue jeans, spat out his pacifier and started crying.
"There, there, everything will be alright." Lucy, wearing the same outfit as Lana, tried to comfort him.
The van shook again, as it was being held by a Godzilla-sized One Eye, with glowing red eyes and saber teeth, as well as spikes protruding from his back and his elbows. The giant wolf let out a demonic laugh.
"I wouldn't celebrate just yet, wolfy!" Ryan appeared on the horizon, wearing combat boots, cargo pants, a black shirt with ripped sleeves to show off his biceps and a red headband. He was also sporting perma-stubbles.
"Hurray, we're saved!" the Louds cheered, while One Eye growled and put the van down. He stomped the ground with his massive paws, creating huge cracks in the ground, and barred his teeth.
Ryan somersaulted from the ledge he was standing on and nonchalantly gestured for the beast to come at him.
Letting out a kaiju-esque roar that caused thunder and lightning to appear, as well as the sky to turn red, One Eye attacked. Ryan easily dodged his gaping jaws by backflipping, causing the beast to eat a mouthful of sand. Ryan jumped high and delivered a punch so powerful, it caused the wolf's muzzle to bend backward and knocked out several of his 4-foot teeth. Roaring, One Eye tried to crush him under his paw, but Ryan grabbed it and twisted it, bowling the giant wolf over. The Louds cheered him on.
Ryan jumped on his face and started punching him in his good eye. One Eye got up and flailed around, roaring in pain. He managed to throw Ryan into the air, quickly opened his cavernous jaws and swallowed him whole. The Louds gasped and Lynn wept, but then, One Eye looked nauseous and started whining as his stomach started twisting and turning, before his jaws were pried open, revealing Ryan, still alive and without a scratch, only covered in gooey stomach acids.
His arm muscles grew and hair started sprouting from them. "You think eating me is going to stop me!" Ryan roared triumphantly. "Prepare to meet your maker, you infernal hell hound!"
He wrapped his arms around the wolf's snout and judo slammed him into the ground, sending a massive shockwave across the beach, followed by more cheers from the adoring crowd.
"Go, Ryan….I mean Brian! Knock his oversized flees off!" Lana exclaimed.
"He's so awesome." Lincoln said while shedding tears of joy.
Sticking his landing, Ryan cracked his neck before smiling smugly at beaten-down lupine. "There is no shame in giving up."
He backed away as One Eye staggered to his feet and growled, but instead of attacking him again, the beast reached into the van, breaking through its windows and grabbed Lynn. Ryan gasped.
Lynn screamed hysterically in his grasp, while the wolf grinned evilly. Ryan sent him a hate-filled glare.
"You've gone too far, foul beast!" he pointed at the giant wolf, who swung his paw at him, but Ryan dodged it again and jumped against a tree, using a branch to catapult himself into the air and grabbing tightly onto One Eye's arm, giving him the most painful arm burn in history.
The wolf screamed like a woman and dropped Lynn. Ryan caught her midair, landed on the ground and gently let her down before grabbing One Eye by his tail.
"Hasta La Vista, One Eye!" with all his strength, he swung One Eye around like a ragdoll and launched him into the air. One Eye squealed like a newborn pup as he was hurled high into the sky, falling behind a mountain range with an earthshaking thud.
The Loud kids cheered on from the van, while Ryan looked on and held a dreamy-eyed Lynn safely in his strong arms.
Some loud throat-clearing cut the story off. Ryan turned around and jumped upon coming face to face with a very unhappy Lynn, who was driving Toby in a wheelchair.
"Lynn?! You're here." The boy chuckled nervously.
"Eh…how much did you hear?"
"Everything since "hormonal fit of hysteria"."
Ryan smiled sheepishly. "Well…that may not have been the best choice of words. This is my first gig as a storyteller after all?"
"Wow, that was some story." Toby told him. "Lynn, you must be lucky to have a boyfriend like him?"
"Brian…" Lynn said in a faux-sweet tone. "You're lucky we're surrounded by little kids who should not be exposed to the kind of graphic violence I have half a mind to inflict on you right now."
"So, you there?" Ryan turned to Toby, quick to change the subject. "Has your buddy asked you to partake in some daring and high-risk sports stunts?" Lynn placed her hands on her hips.
"No, we just talked. I was feeling down, but she made me feel better." Toby said honestly, much to Lynn's delight and Ryan's surprise. "She said I could come practice with her after I get better."
"Practice with her?" Ryan chortled and leaned back. "Then you might as well start shopping for a new leg cast, kiddo."
Lynn gave him an unamused look. "What do you think I am? Some kind of monster who pushes kids too far? As if!" she said in a haughty tone. "With my many years of experience, I'm the most qualified person in this town to help kids in need of some proper training to be athletes. Step one is giving them a confidence boost, step two is a boost in coordination. Which reminds me?"
Lynn quickly handed out a bunch of calling cards. "If you or some of your friends are in need of a good coach, just give me a call." She walked back to Toby and patted his shoulder.
"Lynn…" Ryan deadpanned. "We're volunteers, this ain't the place for self-branding."
"As if? I'm just feeling generous and wish to spread my wisdom onto the next generation! Free of charges."
Ryan snorted. "There's being greedy, but then there's being stupid."
"See, that's what separates me from you." Lynn crossed her arms proudly. "I don't exploit little kids for a cheap buck or to stroke my ego, so all of you can enroll in Lynn Loud's School for Aspiring Athletes for free!"
"I'm glad to see my project is rubbing off on you, Lynn. I knew you would see the light and recognize what a privilege it is to participate in this line of work."
Lynn's demeanor took a turn for the sour as Kathleen arrived. "And R-Brian? Who would have thought you would make such an excellent storyteller? It is true what they say, when you adamantly refuse to do something, it just means you need a push to come out of your shell and embrace your potential."
"If by "potential" you mean making up BS stories." Lynn said, giving Ryan a cross look.
Ryan huffed. "My stories are meant to be fun, not PC schlock."
Kathleen scowled a bit. "Lynn, language."
"What does "BS" mean?" Toby asked.
"Oh, it stands for "bestseller"?" Ryan said smugly. "That's a story so great, that everyone wants to buy a copy of it, so they can get immersed in it as well."
"Well, I just wanted to check in on you two." Kathleen continued. "Keep up the good work, especially once Katherine Mulligan and her film crew arrive to cover this event."
"Say what now?" Lynn blurted. "You didn't tell us we would be pestered by annoying newshounds?"
"Oh, sorry. Must have slipped my mind, I didn't want to distract you from your jobs." Kathleen looked regretful. "But not to worry, she'll mainly be interviewing me, but in case she asks some questions to the volunteers, just smile, nod and pretend that you aren't annoyed by her mugging the camera and asking some potentially insensitive questions."
"I dunno about that, Kathy." Ryan rolled his eyes behind his shades. "News reporters are like reality show hosts and selfie addicts, they just have the most punchable faces imaginable."
"And when exactly is she coming?" Lynn inquired.
Kathleen looked at her wristwatch. "Oh, I believe….." she suddenly pointed to her left "…she's already here."
Ryan and Lynn saw the reporter and a cameraman talking with some of the volunteers. They both mentally kicked themselves for allowing themselves to get distracted by their own power trip tale and being pissed at its gratuitous sexism respectively.
Mulligan caught up to Kathleen and held up her mike. "Now, Kathleen? The good folks of Royal Woods would love to know how it feels to touch the lives of so many unfortunate kids with your generous donations to this hospital? And I've noticed that your group has expanded since my last interview with them? How have you encouraged so many people to join the Teens of Tomorrow and follow your noble example?"
Evidently, the interview had already been going on for a while?
"Oh, I'm afraid it's not much of a story, really?" Kathleen said humbly. "I first came here with the simple intention of donating a truckload of toys to these poor dears, but then I noticed the dreary and despondent state of this establishment. Not to undermine the efforts of the good doctors and the rest of the medical staff working here, but I thought this place could benefit from some long-overdue refurbishing, considering it was first built in 1932 and-"
"Come on, Toby. Time to go to bed." Lynn grabbed the wheelchair and got going.
"But I don't feel sleepy." Toby complained.
"Great idea, take five, kids." Ryan saluted the kids and followed Lynn. "I'll tell Tony a bedtime story."
But Mulligan's reporter eye caught sight of the duo and her instincts told her that there might be a more interesting story there than Kathleen's vapid and saccharine speech.
"Mark, follow me." She told her cameramen and they zapped past Kathleen midsentence and intersected the two.
"Pardon my intrusion, but I don't recollect seeing you two here before?" she shoved her mike at them, speaking at a fast pace. "You must be part of the new wave of recruits, mind answering some questions?"
"Ma'am, we're kind of busy." Lynn pointed at Tony. "Now, if you don't mind-"
"On second thought? You seem oddly familiar." Mulligan eyed her. Lynn grew nervous.
"You must have my colleague confused with someone else." Ryan dismissed her accusation.
"That's right, you were part of Tisdale's entourage of friends at Tisdale Towers? You were present at the community pool when I covered Tisdale giving her donations to the orphans." Mulligan, shockingly enough, recollected.
Lynn was dumbfounded. How did that nosy reporter remember her? She never even said a word to her? "Whaa? How can you-"
"Oh, as a reporter I never forget a face, no matter how blasé and unremarkable it might be." Mulligan explained, before adding, "Now, Lynn Loud, I understand you have a notable juvenile record; causing property damage, being complicit in inciting riots and having quite a history of anger management issues? Now, what compelled you to join the Teens of Tomorrow, along with your friend with a fondness for profanity?"
Before Ryan realized she had turned to him, Mulligan snatched his glasses away, revealing his face. Lynn's shock at the reporter listing her past misdeeds was replaced by burning anger.
"What?!" Ryan jolted.
"Ryan Taylor? I understand that you…" Mulligan blanked trying to mentally dig up any dirt on him. But she quickly cooked up a juicy lead-in. "You're a new arrival to Royal Woods, right? Are you trying to repent for publicly and tactlessly blowing off Royal Woods youngest and most generous entrepreneur? Or does your rough exterior hide a kinder, gentler humanitarian side that you wish to keep a secret out of fear of destroying the aloof bad boy image that you're desperately trying to establish?"
Lynn pushed the mike away. "Back off and ease up on the questions! Can you pit bulls show at least a little tact!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry for my lack of courtesy." Mulligan pretended to be sorry, before shoving the mike into Lynn's face again.
"Please, share with us your motives for joining the Teens of Tomorrow? Are you, Lynn Loud, doing this because Kathleen has inspired you to channel your energy in a more productive way than smashing cop cars with baseball bats or are you simply doing community service?"
Getting over his shock, Ryan pushed the mike away and snarled. "How about you take that thing and shove it up your-"
"Alright! That's enough for you two." Kathleen interjected, forming a barricade between Mulligan and the people who wished to maim her. "Ms. Loud and Mr. Taylor are horribly camera shy and this is their first time being interviewed, you'll have to excuse their nervousness."
"What are you doing?" Lynn asked her, barely keeping a whisper.
"Saving you from embarrassing yourselves." Kathleen shot back before turning back to the reporter.
"As for your question, Katherine, they have very much joined this group out of the goodness of their hearts. They might be rough on the outside but they both proved themselves today with their flawless performances. Though perhaps me offering them a chance and guiding them down the right path did have a slight influence on their decision."
"I did not do that!" Ryan insisted vehemently. "I…I'm here on parole! It was either that or juvie! My….my parole officer is monitoring me from the surveillance camera!" He looked around, trying to find a surveillance camera.
Kathleen patted his shoulder. "Now, Ryan. No need to fib to make your friend feel less self-aware. You both have nothing to be ashamed about." She told him understandably before leaning forward. "Now beat it before she gets you arrested for assault. Trust me, she gets even the most mild-mannered folk to do that."
She lightly pushed them away, and told them to let her handle the PR. For once, it was Lynn who calmed down first instead of Ryan, and led him away.
"What happened there?" Toby asked, slightly frightened.
"I got heckled and triggered." Lynn sighed bitterly, having plenty of experience with that on the field. Kathleen sure took her sweet time to interfere. Was she trying to make them look bad?
She turned to her friend, who looked like he was one second away from exploding.
"Ryan, c'mon. Let's go to the soda machine, you clearly need a drink." She grabbed him by the arm and pulled him along.
"That bitch just made my revenge list." Ryan growled dangerously, eyeing the reporter.
"Ryan, not in front of the kid." Lynn gestured at Toby. "And don't get any ideas now, we still need the money."
"She'll get what's coming to her. Mark my word." He continued, seemingly not even hearing her. But then, a small hand tugged on his shirt.
He and Lynn saw a little girl with a teddy bear looking up at them, with numerous other kids behind her.
"Eh, can we help you?" Lynn asked.
"Lincooronie did a vanishing act and he won't come back." The little girl said.
"Linco….what now?" Lynn made a face.
Ryan rolled his eyes. "The pipsqueak's stage persona. What about him?"
"He and his assistant Lisa made this big light." A boy spread his arms out for emphasis. "And then they were gone." The tweens grew worried looks.
"Did you say bright light? And they were gone? Him and Lisa?" Ryan asked. The kids nodded.
"Yes, them and that Darcy girl. Poof!" another kid added.
Lynn and Ryan looked at each other. Oh, crap!
Ten minutes earlier…
"But you really do have something on your back?" Lisa said in a stilted tone.
"Really? Where?" Lincoln turned around, revealing a "Kick me" sign. Lisa promptly kicked him in the butt. The kids laughed.
"Ow!" Lincoln rubbed his behind and scowled at his assistant. "Why do you keep kicking me?"
"Eh….because you were asking for it?"
"When did I ever ask you for that?"
"Then why does your back say otherwise?"
"My back?" the clown looked over his shoulder, twirling around as he did so.
"Alright! Listen, back! I don't want you telling-OW!"
"He still hasn't figured it out." Lisa spoke to the audience, who laughed, never mind her awful acting.
But one spectator was not amused. Though that might have had more to do with her disdain for the two people performing than the performance itself.
Wearing a military uniform and sipping a juice box, "Lieutenant" Lola scoffed. "No offence, sir. But this was the worst way possible to take a break from fighting those monsters."
"What do you mean? He's pretty funny?" said the girl sitting next to her, who was also wearing a military uniform with many badges.
Lola didn't respond, as she cooked up a devious idea to make the show a bit more entertaining.
"Oh, General Angie, I thought you would know better than this? Don't you see he's been doing the same schtick for over half an hour?"
"Same schtick?"
"Yes, all he's been doing is have his assistant throw pies at him, and now she's just kicking his butt? You call that comedy? He's ripping you off. You're way too smart for this kind of lowbrow comedy."
"Ripping us off?" asked the boy sitting to her right, and his friend next to him leaned in too. Lola smiled devilishly.
"Of course, he's just using deception to keep you entertained. Why, I heard him say out loud that he thinks you are all dumb little kids who would be entertained by someone dangling keys in front of you."
"Ow!" Lincoln rubbed his rump. This was really starting to hurt.
"Maybe some pie would help your gluteus maximus feel better?" Lisa said, holding a cream pie.
Fuming, Lincoln ripped the sign off his back and slapped it on hers, before giving her the boot, sending her tumbling for several feet.
"Keep it, you needed it more." He retorted.
"I thought you didn't mind!" the genius lamented.
"Comedy requires variety." Lincoln said before hearing the unnerving sound of booing. He looked and saw his audience looking displeased.
"That's not funny!"
"Boo! You stink!"
"What's gotten into them?" Lisa wondered.
"They are getting sick of this schtick, let's try something else." Lincoln said before walking up to the audience.
"Calm down, ladies and germs." He put on his clown voice. "I've got plenty of tricks up my sleeve." As he said that, his pants dropped.
"Ups, those are my pants, not my sleeve."
But the kids were unimpressed and booed even louder.
"You cheat, your pants are still on!" Lola shouted from the crowd, while lowering her hat to obscure her face.
Lincoln looked down and realized he still had his regular jeans under the puffy clown pants. He and Lisa started getting pelted with toys.
"Lisa, we're losing them." Lincoln grabbed her hand and dragged her backstage. "We need to reassess our strategy."
"Lincaroonie will be back in five minutes." He told the kids. "Stay silly!"
Once they were out of sight of the crowd, Lincoln sighed and headed back to the crate.
"Okay, they are getting reckless. Time to bust out the big guns." He pulled out a piñata shaped like a pink donkey.
"How is that thing supposed to help us?" Lisa asked.
"It's a piñata, Lisa. It's filled with candy."
"You mean sugary stimulants?" Lisa looked shock. "You've seen the effects that stuff has on the twins. How is making them ten times more restless supposed to help?"
"Desperate times call for desperate measures." Lincoln said grimly. "As long as we can hold it out of reach of whoever is swinging the bat, we can stall until I think up something else."
"I think you're taking unnecessary risks. Need I remind you that our audience are kids, age seven or less? It shouldn't be too hard to come up with a new act, they'll laugh at anything."
"You've seen them get tired of our acts pretty fast." Lincoln reminded her.
"Only after I kicked your posterior 20 times, and pelted you with pies 25 times. Their simple minds are easily entertained by cheap tricks and repetitive stunts." Lisa argued.
"Ah-ha!" They jumped at Lola's voice. They turned around, and found her, along with the rest of the crowd flanking her.
"Lola? What are you doing here?" Lincoln asked. "And what's with the uniform?"
"See? I told you they think you're a pack of idiots!" Lola told the kids. "And look! They are hoarding all the candy in that piñata so they don't have to share it! GET THEM!"
"What?! No! I was about to-"
Letting out a chorus of battle cries, the kids raised their bendy foam stick and charged at the duo, knocking Lincoln down and started beating on him.
Grinning to herself, Lola grabbed Angie's hand and left the scene. "Come on, General. We have a kaiju queen to nuke!"
"Kids, calm down. I was gonna bring this piñata for a fun game." Lincoln tried to explain himself. It didn't actually hurt being pummeled by foam sticks, but it was hard getting up with dozens of kids ganging up on you. "Eh, Lisa? A little help?"
"Let me down!" Lisa cried as she was lifted into the air by the angry mob.
"Alright, that's enough out of you!" Lincoln tried to gain some control of the situation, when he felt a strong breeze on his legs.
"What the?" he gawked in shock as he saw one boy yanking his jeans off his legs.
"This is how a clown loses his pants." Said the kid and dragged his pants away.
"No! Give that back!" Suddenly no longer caring about being gentle, Lincoln got up and knocked the kids assaulting him aside, making them cry.
Seeing that he was still surrounded by an angry mob, he hastily tore the piñata he was holding apart and spilled candy across the floor, distracting the kids, including the ones holding Lisa, who dropped her like a sack of potatoes and joined their comrades in grabbing as much candy off the floor as their little hands could grasp.
Lincoln caught up with the kid who stole his pants and grabbed them. "Hey, give me!" the boy cried but Lincoln pushed him down and ignored his crying as he looked through his pockets.
He found a pepper spray bottle in his left pocket, but to his horror, his right pocket, the one holding delicate cargo, was empty.
"It fell out?!" Sweating like crazy, Lincoln turned around, only to find the floor littered with candy and countless children. "The remote!"
"What? You lost the remote?!" Lisa cried.
"No time for blame games! We gotta find it, now!" Lincoln told her, and the two searched the floor, but it was like finding a needle in a haystack, or rather, a high-tech invention in a sea of sugary sweets.
"It's got to be here somewhere!" Lisa lamented.
"Hey, Wisa, look at this?" she heard a familiar voice and saw Darcy holding the thing she was looking for.
"Darcy?!" Lisa rushed up to her. "Please give that."
"Why? What does it do?" Darcy asked. Lisa gasped as she saw her pressing some buttons.
"Just give me!" a hectic Lisa grabbed it.
"Why! I found it first!" Darcy said petulantly as they fought over it. Lincoln saw this and tried to reach them.
"Be careful! That's a very delicate device!" Lisa cried fearfully. "Don't press any-"
Too late, as she heard the sound of its engines running and the device started glowing.
"Wow." Darcy marveled at the pretty blue color.
"NO!" Lincoln jumped at them, only for all three of them to get engulfed by a bright blue light. And one second later, they were gone.
This is actually half of the chapter I've almost finished writing, so I had to split it into two as it was running very long. Which means the next chapter should be uploaded very soon. Unsurprisingly, Lisa bringing her invention along backfired, and now she and Lincoln have been zapped to who knows where, and they took Darcy for the ride. And Lincoln is still dressed as a clown XD
And Happy New Year….I guess?
