Chapter 11

The walk home was short and she found herself continuing into the small forest beyond. It was still light out and the fresh air was helping to temper her confusing emotions. Fir trees lined the small copse and she moved to sit on a large fallen trunk. It was covered in moss and slightly damp, but she found it hard to care. Pulling her knees under her chin, she rocked herself slowly trying to make sense of the mixed feeling swirling in her head.

She didn't even like Theo. She didn't know him, not really anyway. Their relationship had just started to develop into some sort of friendship, but he wasn't a close friend, and she certainly didn't want him as a lover. So why did seeing him going for coffee with Amelia make her so confused. Because he needed and wanted you. It was selfish, it was not a good reason, but she was liking feeling needed again.

Theo was still haunting her dreams at night, each time his face getting slightly less manic and more calm - more like the real Theo she had witnessed over the last few weeks since she'd berated him in the bookshop. It didn't help the sleepless nights, or the fact she'd wake up screaming and crying, but she was starting to see more of the man in front of her and less of the deranged man chasing her through the forest.

She was starting to lower her barriers for him, take a little step forward, and now he was going to pull away? Why did she even care? She liked Amelia, she was kind and gentle and someone that, objectively, would be good to Theo. She cursed, gently hitting her forehead onto her knees. Why was she so messed up?

"Hermione?" She jumped out of her skin, and physically onto her feet, putting distance between herself and the voice that had startled her. She had her wand raised, realising that inadvertently she'd put herself in a strange version of her dream world. Her mind was spinning, here stuck in the copse of trees, staring at Theo who was staring back. "Are you okay?" He raised his hands, and she lowered her wand slowly. He had told the two Aurors following her to back off as he'd made his way after her, but he was one hundred percent certain they were here, dissolusioned, watching and listening - invading another moment for her.

She stuttered, her hands shaking in a way that they hadn't for a while, "What are you doing here?"

"I saw you in town and you looked upset, I wanted to make sure you were okay." She hugged her arms around herself, wanting to scream. Her mind was flying so fast, trying to peice together what she was feeling, that she was burning herself out.

"I'm fine, Theo." Those words meant the same in the muggle and wizard world. She could tell Theo knew straight away that she was not 'fine'. He just waited and watched.

She turned around, walking back to the fallen trunk and sinking onto it dejectedly. "Hermione, you can talk to me."

She laughed bitterly and shook her head, "I can't, because what I'm thinking makes me a horrible, selfish person."

Theo moved to sit next to her, he tried to take one of her hands in his but she pulled it away, "You couldn't be selfish even if you tried, Hermione."

"We're not friends, we're not lovers, we're nothing to each other, but I'm... I'm..." She was trying to piece it together, avoiding Theo's eyes as she spat out the words, "I'm experiencing what I can only describe as jealousy."

Theo's eyebrows rose so high they dissapeared into his overgrowing hairline, "Because of Amelia?"

Hermione shrugged, shame tinting her face and turning it red. "It's not fair, but I've started to like you needing me. Needing to talk to me, needing someone to spend time with and you coming to me. I don't want you to go to someone else for that. But that's selfish and unfair because I can't ask you to speak to no one other than me, that's insane, and I can't even offer you a friendly conversation at the moment... And Amelia is perfect, she's kind and caring and would be good for you."

"Are you upset because you think I want to date Amelia? She just asked if we could go for a coffee, Hermione, and it's never going to be anything else, for me anyway." He wanted to tell her there as only one woman for him, but he didn't think that would go well. This was a step forward for her, but it didn't mean she would ever see him in the way he saw her, "I told you I want someone who knows and accepts the good and the bad, Amelia would never understand what we went through."

Shivering, though she was not sure if that was from mental exhaustion or the bitter wind, she stared at the trodden down dirt, "But..."

Theo finally captured her hand, pulling her to her feet, "Let's get you home, it's freezing out here." Her shaking continued, cold mixed with shame, guilt, and embarrassment at her own selfish confession and weakness.

They walked out of the forest in silence. When they reached the road, Hermione said, "I'm really sorry, Theo... for how much of a mess I am." They crossed the road together, Theo's hand lightly touching the small of her back over her coat.

Theo laughed dryly, opening the door to her house and letting her enter before him, "We are all a mess, Hermione. You just haven't seen my scars yet." Hermione didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything. Instead, she just let him lead her to the sofa and she sat when he told her to.

He pottered around the kitchen, pulling mugs from shelves and making hot chocolate with the powder she never used. She thanked him as he handed her a steaming mug, the heat warming her cold fingers. When fifteen minutes had passed, and she hadn't said anything, he took a big gulp of hot chocolate, "Hermione?" he asked, looking at her. "Would you like me to go? I don't want to impose on you."

She shook her head, trying to smile but it fell a little flat, "No, I don't want you to go."

He smiled at that, running a hand through his hair. It was growing out longer than she ever remembered seeing it. He must not have had time to get it cut on his travels. He noticed her watching and told her as much, "It's driving me mad."

She smiled, reaching over to brush away a lock that had fallen over his forehead before she could stop herself. The moment felt so familiar, her heart ached. "Sorry." She whipped her hand away. She had suddenly remembered a moment, long ago, in a very different world. She'd been sitting with Harry, after Ron had abandoned them, in the dimly lit tent. She had pushed his overgrown hair back in much the same way, joking that he looked messier than ever. She had offered to cut it, digging around her beaded purse for the scissors she knew she'd had the forethought to bring - she was Hermione Granger after all, prepared for anything. Poor Harry had lived with a crooked cut for months after that, patches here, there and everywhere. That trip was the first time she felt she really should have heeded Molly's advice to learn some basic household spells. She told Theo the story, her eyes crinkling with the memory.

Theo chose not to pry, just listening and laughing as she told him what she could get out, instead of asking more questions about her time on the run. She'd tell him if and when she was ready. That didn't mean to say he wasn't curious. His crush on her had spanned well into the war. If he were to be completely honest with himself, it had never truely dissapeared, and he had thought of her almost every day - hoping that she was alright, hoping to see her just once more. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that he would be here, sitting with her, talking to her about her most intimate moments. He popped his empty mug on the table, the last taste of chocolate dying on his lips, "What time are you at the bookshop tomorrow? I can pop by with some coffee."

"Probably eight thirty." She thought, picking at a thread on the blanket draped over her lap, "You could stay if you want... I have a spare room," She rushed to clarify, "And, I know you are loaded, but you might as well not waste money if you are going to be here a while. You've been at that hotel for months now and it must be hard."

Theo looked at her closely, trying to make sense of the emotions swirling around in her brown irises. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

He had to admit it would make his job a heck of a lot easier, but that certainly wasn't the first thought that popped into his mind. His heart did a soft leap inot his throat and he struggled to get the next words out, "You don't have to do this as some sort of repayment for what you said earlier, Hermione." He tried to touch her hand but she jerked it away ever so slightly and he drew back, placing it on the back of the couch instead.

"I'm not." She shook her head, crossing and uncrossing her legs; she hadn't really relaxed since they got back, the tension of her embarrassment sticking to her. "I promise... and I'm sorry I even said that, it was so selfish of me."

He didn't tell her how selfish he was being by just hanging around her; he could have protected her from afar, but he just wanted to be close to her. "It's okay, Hermione."

"I am trying and I want to get myself back, to be able to be around people from our past without having a meltdown ... I just don't know how and I thought having you around, seeing you more routinely, might help."

Theo nodded slowly, "If you are sure, and you think it could help, I can stay here tonight."