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Chapter Thirty-five
The boy was nothing but smiles as Sakura walked in him through the gates of Konoha. His eyes were on everything and everywhere, and his giddy mood reflected on to her. Yet, as they met the gatekeeper with their paperwork, the boy's shy nature returned from the smile of the man.
"You came all the way from Suna?" the Konoha man grinned at Gaara. "That's really impressive for someone your age!"
This man was unknowingly one of the few who gave Gaara the benefit of the doubt simply because of his age. As the man's smile lingered, Gaara's confusion grew and he eventually hid behind Sakura while peering at the man curiously.
"He's shy," Sakura spoke in Gaara's defense.
The guard waved it off.
"It's fine," he commented back. "At first I wondered why Suna was sending you here to pick up provisions while asking for an unusually long stay. Usually it's us sent to drop off necessities, but when I read we were anticipating a young traveler as well it suddenly clicked."
The man eyed Gaara again with a smile.
"You're pretty lucky, you know? Not many get to go outside their village until they're a few years older."
His words only made Gaara hide himself more behind Sakura. The man and Sakura continued to discuss the details of her small mission. The hospital would provide what they could and have the gatekeeper hand off the necessities on Sakura and Gaara's departing day, while accepting Sakura's box from Suna. In the mean time, they were given a room, and the freedom around the village as a merchant or traveler would have. As he began checking their bags, he spoke again to Sakura.
"Do you have any business with the Sandaime Hokage, or any other of the higher ups? I'll need set an appointment for you if you do, and you'll be escorted to the offices. Otherwise, travelers aren't allowed inside Konoha's main offices."
For the moment, Sakura felt a sudden rush in her head at the mention of Sandaime. Perhaps she hadn't mentally prepared herself enough like she thought she had beforehand, for the thought of seeing Hiruzen again shook her lightly. The idea itself was promising, meeting an old friend, but Sakura quickly shook her head to the thought. Despite her disguise, she felt as though seeing the wise, old man again would jeopardize the reason she had come here in the first place.
"No," Sakura answered. "I was just sent here to deliver and pick up provisions. Kazekage-sama hasn't asked me to relay anything to the Hokage."
The man nodded, handing back their bags.
"Enjoy your stay," he told them before smiling once more towards Gaara. "Especially you, little guy, I hope you like it here."
As Sakura began walking, Gaara quickly rushed to her side and took a hold of her hand. The boy glanced back at the man, watching him wave and smile towards him still.
"Something's wrong with him," Gaara eventually said.
Sakura scoffed, looking back down at the boy.
"Why?" she asked him. "Just because he was nice to you? Does that mean there's something wrong with me too?"
To her question, Gaara grimaced and thought for a moment.
"...Yes?" he answered her, making the young woman fume lightly.
"What?! No! There's nothing wrong with him or me! That's common courtesy he is showing you. That's how you should treat others."
Yet, she could understand Gaara's confusion at the situation.
"The way people treat you here is how they are suppose to treat you. With respect. This is how you should treat others as well. Don't confuse how ignoble people in Suna are towards you as normalcy."
Gaara sucked on his cheek then, interpreting Sakura's words. In a way, he understood what Sakura was saying. He had always known at a young age that he was treated differently than others his age. Yet, as his uncle had explained to him, there was a reason for it. The question now for him was, did he deserve it or not?
"If that man knew what was inside of me, would he still smile?"
It's was interesting, for her, to witness Gaara's intellect shine from time to time with his words and questions. This was just one of those rare occasions where Sakura could see the older Gaara that she knew within this small, wondering child. Yet, to his question, she was quiet, trying to find the appropriate answer. The truth was that the people here were already shunning a small boy of their own that harbored a magnificent beast. Not only that, but she also didn't want to give Gaara the confidence to spout to others around him that he had the Ichibi sealed inside of him.
The man would probably not smile, she knew, and it seemed Gaara figured this out through her silence.
"I knew it," he murmured before turning his head out in front of him.
Through the corner of her eye, she looked down at boy, upset she had formed a frown on him so quickly inside the village. It was then she nudged his small body with her hip, and as he looked back at her, she smiled.
"That will change one day," she reminded him. "Remember that I still smile."
He was quiet to her words for some time before realizing her kind nature towards him, and he returned her smile.
"Let's get something to eat before we head to our room," Sakura spoke.
Gaara agreed, but not before stopping to take in every little monument and the flourishing green, and cold white, around him still.
"Who are they?" he had asked, pointing towards the Hokage Rock.
Again, as Sakura glanced at the faces sculpted on the mountain, she felt herself a little unnerved at the sight of the two missing faces she was accustom to seeing.
"A-Ah, that's the Hokage Rock. Konoha's Hokage, starting with Shodai."
As she spoke, she pointed towards the sculpture of Hashirama and went down the faces to Minato's frame.
"He was Yondaime, but died a few years ago," she spoke before pointing back to Hiruzen. "So, now Sandaime watches the village."
To her explanation, Gaara sniffed and narrowed his eyes towards Minato's sculpted face.
"Why would they make someone weak a leader?"
Sakura blinked, flabbergasted by Gaara's question, and she turned to meet his eyes.
"Weak?" she asked him. "He was one of the strongest men! He died protecting this village."
Yet, Gaara shook his head.
"The weak don't die," he told her.
Sakura grimaced then, despite his intelligence at his age, Gaara's mindset would still fall back to that of a naive child.
"His biggest strength was his love," Sakura spoke, before turning her smile back towards the mountain. "Instead of running away to live another day, he stayed behind and risked everything to make sure his village, his son, would live to grow. The strong will sacrifice everything for the ones they love, the weak fend only for themselves."
To her words, Gaara stared up at her in silence for some time while trying to process her speech. Not long ago, he wanted nothing to do with no one, and would only exist for himself while finding purpose for his life. Was she saying that line of thinking was weak of him? No one gave him another option anyway, how could he find love in those that feared him. Yet, in another way, he somewhat understood her saying that the strong would protect those he loved. He didn't quite understand why, but looking up at her, at her gentle, warm smile, a part of him knew he would tear anyone who tried to steal that away.
"What killed him?" Gaara asked.
Sakura's smile fell then, and she gazed silently for a few seconds towards the mountain before smiling gently towards Gaara.
'That's a long story...' she thought.
Instead, she offered Gaara her hand.
"Come on," she ushered him along. "It's cold out here, and I'm starving!"
She brought him to one of her favorite restaurants, and hummed in delight at the taste of the fish she ordered.
"Ah, I've missed this place!" she beamed happily, but earned Gaara's skeptic eye.
He had wanted to ask then how many times she had been here. How she had become so knowledgeable about this village, but as he bit into his own food, he realized then questions could wait.
"How do you like it?" she asked.
"It's yummy," he told her with a smile.
After their meal there was nothing more Sakura could show the boy so late into the night, so they instead hurried towards their hotel as small snowflakes began to fall. They had been placed in one of the finer hotels, possibly through Rasa's name or because their stay was longer. It may have very well been because they knew a child was coming along with Sakura, but whatever reason, as they drew closer towards the edge of the village, Sakura could recognize the nicer area. The familiar, unique smell to the spot hit her as well.
As they drew near to their destination, a huge building caught Gaara's eyes, and he stopped to stare at it. It sat on top of a hill, surrounded by trees. As soon as Sakura noticed, she turned and made her way back towards Gaara and looked in the direction of his curious eyes.
"That's the most popular bath house here," she explained to him, surprised the building nabbed the boy's attention.
"It smells funny," Gaara commented.
"It's a hot spring. The water comes from underground. You're probably smelling the mineral water. It's so warm, they'll even let you bathe outdoors even in the cold like this."
Gaara tilted his head at the sight.
"It's huge too," Sakura commented. "They won't build other buildings around it so they can keep the scenery."
Gaara turned to look at her then.
"You've been there before?"
Sakura blinked a few times, recalling the last time she had visited this particular onsen.
"It's been a long time," she admitted. "When I was young, my mother and I would go maybe once every year."
As Sakura recalled this, her frown grew sad. It did that not because the thought was nostalgic for her, but because she realized her mother had stopped taking her as soon as she began her training with her team. She had never questioned her mother why the small trips had stopped, and never paid the thought any mind until now. After all, her life had been so busy, she was sure she would pass up the invitation if her mother inquired. Thinking of it now, though, Sakura missed that small moment with her mother.
"Can we go?"
Sakura's eyes widened some as Gaara's voice wiped away her current thought. She turned to the boy, taking in his serious look as he stared at her.
"Can we go?" he repeated his question as Sakura's voice lingered silent.
The young woman chuckled, amused.
"What?" she asked, tilting her neck back while look at him still. "You want to go to a bath house here? There's a few in Suna, why this one?"
Gaara blinked at her for a moment before turning back to look at the bath house up on the hill. It was then Sakura wondered if he had ever been to one of these bath houses. Surely, if he ever did, it would have been with his uncle, Sakura assumed. She was also certain that if Gaara had, he had probably cleared out the entire place. The more she thought about it, the more she came to terms that Rasa had probably ordered Yashamaru not to take him to such public places like a bath house. Meanwhile, Gaara seemed to be thinking hard on her question, silent until…
"I don't know," he truthfully answered, looking back at here. "I just want to."
Sakura shrugged then, there was no reason not to. Especially if this would be a first for him. She realized then it would better to take Gaara to this one than one back at home where he would clear the whole place out. Even if the idea of an empty bath sounded like a promising one for her part.
"If that's what you want," she told him before lifting an eyebrow at him. "You're going to have get naked in front of others though."
His gaze was apathetic taking in that information, and he even turned his eyes once more towards the bath house.
"Do you wear clothes when you take a bath?" he asked Sakura. "You're not suppose to. That's wrong. You're suppose to be naked to take a bath. You've been doing it wrong this whole time, Sakura."
Sakura felt her eyebrow twitch an anger.
'Smart-ass…' she thought, before her loud voice broke through the air.
"I know that! Don't try to lecture me like I'm some sort of kid!"
Gaara laughed lightly to her small outburst, earning a groan from Sakura. Yet, as he turned his smile to her, Sakura couldn't help but smirk along with his playful attitude. Again, the sight made her recollect just how long it had been when she first earned his smile, and the last time he sneered with distaste in her direction.
'Time certainly changes,' she thought before turning in the direction of their hotel.
Their destination was not much farther, and Gaara once again sought out refuge behind her leg when the old lady at the front desk smiled and waved at him.
"My," the old woman told Sakura. "Is he your little brother? His hair is so red, and yours is so dark."
Sakura shook her head, explaining their relationship and the reason they were there.
"Pretty, red hair," she smiled at Gaara. "Can I touch it?"
She asked this question while looking at Gaara, and both women laughed when the boy shook his head quickly to answer the old woman no. As they entered their room, Gaara laughed at the sight of everything despite the room being about the same size as his own. He ran around the room as Sakura unpacked, He flipped every switch he could find, ran to the cold windows to watch the snow and his hot breath bounce against the glass, and eventually jumped on top of the bed as soon as Sakura settled to sit on it. She sighed, a bit exhausted through the trip, but nonetheless smiled down at Gaara as he laid his head next to her and grinned big.
"Let's live here," he told her.
Sakura laughed before brushing his strands of hair.
"I'm surprised you even have all this energy."
To her statement, Gaara's smile fell some.
"Oh, you're tired."
She wondered then how obvious it was on her face for the boy to notice it.
"Let me run you a bath," she told him before picking herself up from the bed. "I'll take one too and then call it night."
"Aw..." Gaara whined some, but fell silent as he saw Sakura's sluggish form. "...Alright. Don't forget to wash your hair! It's needs to be pink again."
Sakura was too tired to remind him that the dye would stay until their return. After each of their baths, Sakura made a mental fine line straight to her bed, and sighed relaxing into the comfy mattress and warm blankets. Gaara, meanwhile, had found interest at the small heater in their room.
"It blows heat!" he had excitedly told Sakura, a little awed that such a thing existed.
"It's the same as an air conditioner," she told him and realized heaters were probably hardly ever used in Suna. "It's to keep us warm from the cold."
From her bed, she watched as Gaara turned the heat on high, letting the hot air blow into his face and hair some. Still in his damp robe, he found the warmth to be relaxing and eventually nestled onto the floor in front of it.
"So warm," he murmured with relaxed eyes.
From her bed, Sakura watched him, smiling softly as she caught the boy's eyes closing and opening back and forth. It made the woman chuckle softly as his tranquility began to rub off on her. Her eyes felt heavy suddenly, but she still spoke to remind the young boy.
"Don't fall asleep."
Her words made his eyes snap open, and for a moment he mentally wondered how the contraption blowing the heat could threaten his discipline like this. He sat himself then, rubbing his eyes some and answered Sakura with a small whine in his voice.
"I won't."
Yet, looking at her while waiting on a reply, he realized Sakura herself was drifting away to sleep. He hurried his way over to her then, not wanting to miss out on her good night before sleep overtook her.
"Sakura," he whispered, gently caressing her hair to stir her back awake. "Don't go yet."
Like Gaara, Sakura's eyes snapped open to his voice, and her heart even raced some to those words.
"I'm not going yet," she quickly told him before realizing what it was she had actually said.
The boy brought his hand back then and stared at her curiously. He was baffled some by her words, and even Sakura tried to calm herself down when she realized she was answering something that would, in time, happen later on.
"I'm awake," she rephrased. "I'm not going to sleep yet. Do me a favor, and go ahead and turn off the light."
He listened to her, running towards the only source of light to turn it off while Sakura sighed and rolled onto her back. She placed a hand on her head while she tried to mentally chase sleep away for a few moments longer.
For Gaara, as he returned to her bedside, her shift on the bed was an invitation only he saw, and he crawled back on top of the mattress and continued across and over her body much to her discomfort. He decided to rest his head this time on top of her stomach. Her body arched his head up just perfectly for him to stare out at the window where he continued to watch the snowflakes fall gently down. From her head did her hand venture down towards the boy's head, stroking his thick, red hair some as she closed her eyes.
"You like the snow?" she asked him.
He was quiet to the question for a few moments, considering it.
"Yea," he eventually answered.
Sakura chuckled lightly, wondering how much of a shock the snow and cold was for Gaara since the boy was use to sand and heat.
"It always snows here?" he asked.
Sakura shook her head against the pillow.
"No," she spoke softly. "We just came when it's snowing. In a few months, it will warm up here."
The boy leaned his head more towards her stroking hand as his eyes lidded.
"Can we come back when it's warm?" he asked. "Can we bring Kankuro and Temari too?"
Sakura yawned before answering,
"Sure. Sure."
Silence followed after that. Sakura was once again slowly drifting back to sleep while Gaara continued to watch the snow outside. It wasn't until Sakura's strokes stopped did the boy speak again, trying to pull her back to his world.
"Will we see the cherry blossoms tomorrow?"
As he woke her awake, her hand once again began stroking his hair, and she cleared her throat so as not to sound hoarse.
"We'll see," she told him.
In truth, the possibility of finding any plant out there in the cold and snow was slim. If anywhere, the greenhouse she knew to have a tree, or maybe even as simple as finding a small tree at the flower shop was possible. In the back of her mind, she thought maybe their next return could happen in the spring, when the blossoms were literally everywhere.
They became quiet again, but it was Gaara's sudden, soft humming that stopped Sakura from slipping back to sleep. Even if his soft noise should have lulled her, it instead made her open her eyes. She stared at the ceiling, listening to the familiar tune Gaara now hummed.
'Mother's song,' she thought of the name of the song Gaara's humming came from.
Usually, Gaara would come to her if he wanted to hear the notes or listen to his mother's words. So, she smiled this time as the boy, independently, found the song on his own, bringing it forth in such a comforting setting for them.
"Are you thinking about her?" Sakura asked.
Her question made the boy slowly stop his humming to, once again, think on Sakura's inquiry.
"I wish I could meet her..." he admitted, letting those words be his answer instead.
Sakura patted his head.
"I know," she told him. "Don't ever forget though, her love is always there. It will always be there for you."
Again, a rare moment happened, the one where Gaara's intelligence shined through his words. Even if he couldn't grasp Sakura's words fully, his speech would signal a blooming, open mind she knew his older self to very much have.
"It's not a face," he told Sakura. "It's not a hug. It's not a voice."
Gaara's hand found the opening of his robe then, and gripped the skin of his chest.
"Sometimes it feels like nothing..."
His message got through to her, and she frowned in thought at Gaara's feelings. Feelings she knew, but couldn't quite understand through the boy. She could hear his pain from his words, but could not place herself in his shoes. She understood what the boy was saying, but could not sympathize on the level he was at.
'It's not even a memory,' Sakura sadly thought, knowing Gaara had nothing but the song to live with throughout his life understanding his mother's love.
As happy as the song was, for it taught Gaara how his mother had truly felt towards him, it was all Gaara had of her. All that he was going to have of her. The knowledge of someone loving them was enough for many. For the child, however, who received more hate than love, it was starting to settle in, to him, how he now craved more from his mother than just her words on a paper. On top of that, he was also trying to come to terms that that craving was impossible to appease.
Just this once, Sakura was a little confused how to comfort the boy. She could fall back and remind him of his friends and family now that loved him. She could try to convince him the importance of Karura's song, and how love could be so much more than just physical. She could try to remind him that with time everything would get better. Yet, these were all lessons he had heard over and over and over, and a part of her knew the comfort he sought would not come from another lecture.
"I'm sorry," was what she decided to tell him.
All she could say really because she could admit the thought was painful, and she was more than grateful that she still had her mother, and close friends, to show her love still. Meanwhile, Gaara had few and had lost one of his most important teachers who would guide him through love, his own mother.
He turned to face her then, and Gaara even scooted himself next to Sakura before lacing his arms around her neck. He nestled his head down against her, and Sakura brought her arm up once again to pat him. Once again, he grasped her while searching for contentment.
Sakura, who did not find his constant reassurance bothersome, gazed still towards the ceiling above her.
"It will be alright," she told him. "You'll see, with time."
Despite her words, he gripped her tighter.
"I really won't ever get to see her, will I?" he whispered
Perhaps, he searched for broken promises, for Sakura was sure Gaara understood death and all that it meant. In an ironic twist in her mind, she thought about explaining to Gaara that this was the same pain he had caused Annaisha, and so many others, by his killings. Yet, she decided against it. Sakura was certain Gaara had remorse for his actions, after all he had cried to her before, nor did she have the heart to hurt the boy anymore than he was now.
"You won't," Sakura told him while shaking her head lightly. "You know what happens when someone dies."
He held on tighter, and Sakura turned her body to face him. She cradled his face in her hands, bringing his teal gaze up to look at her smile.
"You may not have any memories of her, but you at least have a song. Don't ever forget her words, and always fall back on them when you're feeling sad."
Gaara still frowned to those words, but he kept his eyes steady on Sakura.
"Your mother loves you," Sakura said, smiling. "Nothing can make you any happier than knowing that someone loves you."
Gaara still frowned, which made Sakura jostle his head a little in her hands.
"Right?" she asked him.
She grinned when Gaara's eyes fell to the side and he smiled lightly.
"I think so," he answered.
Still, as he quietly thought to himself, his frown returned and confusing eyes went back to Sakura.
"How could she?" Gaara asked then. "She died right away, how did she know she loved me if she didn't even know me?"
Sakura's hands retracted from his face then, and she laid her head gently against the pillow. Gaara, too, decided to retreat his head down with Sakura, and nestled his head onto the same pillow while staring at Sakura still, and waiting on her answer. The young woman stroked his head again.
"Because she was your mother, and she knew no matter what she would always love you."
His eyes lit up a little to her words, yet his frown remained, and he tried to keep his passive act in front of her.
"Mothers are amazing like that," Sakura finished.
Gaara was quiet again after that, and glanced below him in deep thought. He wouldn't deny Sakura's words of wisdom, but found that small, empty pain still lingering in his heart. He wouldn't deny his mother's love, ever. Evidenced had piled itself in front of him, to not doubt that. Still, he wondered what love entitled. What was the feeling, what could he have experienced with his mother. What was love, he continued to wonder still, and looked back up at the emerald gaze that had answers for him.
It was a question he once tried to grasp before ridding the word out of his mind as he engraved it into his skin. With time, a spark of wonder had rekindled, and while it was still a question that made him shift his body uncomfortably and made his tongue freeze on the spot, Gaara pushed away his nerves and asked Sakura in all seriousness,
"What is love?"
Sakura's eyes widened some to Gaara's question. Yet, staring at the confused eyes who kept his steady eyes locked with hers, Sakura's round gaze fell some, and she was quiet while thinking hard on that question. A small part of her even wanted to chuckle and reply,
"I do not know."
For his sake, she didn't; and to that thought, she even wondered if that consideration for him itself could be considered love. So many different loves, in her mind, she loved Naruto differently than she loved Sasuke. She loved her family differently, she loved her teachers differently, she loved her friends differently, she loved the villagers in her home differently. Yet, at the same time, there was a deep emotion that kept them all tied to her, which she wondered was another different love.
"It's..." she began, but stopped herself as she lost the idea.
For her, love was both simple and complicated. Perhaps that was a downfall of being such a caring person like herself...or, maybe it was a blessing. To all those she loved, whether it was romantically like for Sasuke, or through friendship like Naruto, Sakura tried to find the common ground between them all.
"It's when you smile thinking of that person, and there's almost a need in you to be by that person always. You seek them out whenever you can," Sakura began.
Gaara remained quiet, letting Sakura continue as his mind tried to wrap around what she was telling him.
"It's when you would give up just about anything to make that person happy," Sakura murmured.
She would continue to pause after every explanation, trying to think of more and hoping the boy laying next to her understood what she was saying. She wanted to believe it was an emotion Gaara had not cast away just yet.
"It's when you would fight tooth and nail for them. You'll stand next to them no matter what, and be by their side to always help when they need you."
Her eyes went back to the boy's, and she offered him a gentle smile before finishing,
"You would even give up your life to save their own."
Gaara was silent, and Sakura watched as his eyes began to shift as he tried to understand all that he told her. It was perhaps because he had no person to have this drive for, but she was well aware his older self would know exactly what she spoke of. Eventually, his eyes found her again with wonder still set in his gaze.
"Do you love?" he asked her.
The hand that had been stroking Gaara's hair froze then, and Sakura said nothing when she realized this had not been the first time he had asked her this. In that moment, when she remembered Gaara first asking her this, her thoughts had selfishly fallen onto one man, Sasuke, and she had avoided the question to hide away the pain she felt at the moment. In a way, it contradicted what she had just explained to Gaara now. It should have been a smile that found her face back then, and she should have been able to answer him without hesitance.
Despite knowing this in her mind, her thoughts still fell to Sasuke, but it also fell to her friends. Still, a frown found her. As happy as her friends and family made her, and even good memories of Sasuke, her heart ached once more as she remembered how distant she was from all of them now. Soon enough, she thought of the scroll she needed to retrieve, and thought of the hope she still held onto that it would someway help her back home. It was a painful thought knowing the scroll would help her none and she would be back to square one, but it was also a shot to her heart knowing she could be a step closer saying goodbye to the boy next to her, who simply just wanted someone in his life to love.
Instead of answering, she pulled Gaara in for a tight hug.
"It's late," she whispered to him instead, much to his disappointment. "I'm going to sleep now, promise me you'll stay in the room tonight."
Even if Sakura relaxed her arms around him, Gaara still kept next to her warm form. Yet, his eyes were away from meeting hers and his frown was heavy
"I will," he answered her.
Once again, his fingers went to his chest, rubbing his skin lightly as Sakura drifted to sleep. He had understood her explanation, but the ache in his heart remained. He was not naive enough to not see that Sakura had avoided his question and, in his mind, no answer was an answer itself.
