chapter fourteen
Jo leans against the wall of the Gryffindor common room on her seventeenth birthday, third glass of Firewhiskey in her hand, and she is bored. There is loud music and dancing and laughter and fighting but Jo is seeing too clearly for it to be any fun. She takes another sip.
It is a Friday night, the stress of the past week being released through drunken foolishness. Jo watches a seventh year girl sit in the corner by the stairs, curled up and sobbing with tears ruining her makeup and wonders if she's ever looked that ridiculous in public. She thinks, with a bit of a wince, of her very public and very loud drunken fight with her brother. The memory makes her put her drink down. She feels a bit buzzed, and figures that's enough.
And despite the fact that it is her birthday party, and the banner hanging above the fireplace reads, " Happy Birthday, Little Josie," (a nickname that she fiercely protested), no one has spoken to her in an hour. Dorcas littered her cheeks with kisses and about a thousand I love you Jo!'s before she disappeared back upstairs with Marlene. She has flitted through the crowds and popped in and out of groups but she is far too sober to tolerate the way Peter's showing his tongue down Helen Birdwhistle's throat or, even worse, the way James keeps making lewd comments about the way Lily's dress is doing wonders for her rear. She finds it all sort of asinine.
So no one notices when Jo decides that she's actually had enough for her birthday party, and slips out the common room door, destination in mind.
The frigid air sends goosebumps down her arms, her crochet top, an enthusiastic gift from Alice, doing very little to protect her from the cold. She takes quick, sure steps down the stairs, racing them before they can begin to move on her. And she doesn't know why, but even the idea of getting to see Regulus is already lifting her mood. Her time with him is always enjoyable. She likes talking to him. She likes how he matches her wit. She likes how he indulges her. She likes how he's well mannered, how he's gentle, easy to talk to. She likes how he's kind and how he's smart. She likes that he didn't get pissed at her birthday party and disappeared to be with some girl.
Jo wasn't sure when it happened, but her late night acquaintanceship with Regulus has become her favorite part of her week. They leave her feeling better than she felt before. And there are heavy emotions and tenseness and conflict between her friends, not one of which follows Jo down to her visits with Regulus. It's just easy with him; everything comes naturally.
He is exactly where he always is, lingering near the Greenhouse, in his dark robes, hands deep in his pockets, smirk growing on his face at the sight of her, like he was expecting her to come, just as much she was expecting him to be there. "Don't you have a party to be attending?" he asks as she approaches him, landing by his side.
Jo gives him a shrug. "Once you've been to one Gryffindor party, you've been to them all," she says as they fall into step together. "Right now two people are snogging who shouldn't be snogging, there's at least three fights breaking out, and someone's crying in the corner because they just got dumped," Jo looks up at him as they walk side by side. "It's boring, at this point."
He looks back down at her. "And walking around the castle at night isn't?"
"Not when you're around," Jo answers swiftly.
Jo watches as he turns away again, head tilted away from her, but she can still see the red flush in his cheeks, burning up in the corner of his cheeks. She looks down at her feet, feeling a bit of a blush of her own. "Happy birthday, Josephine," he says after a moment.
She smiles. "Thanks."
They round a corner together, strides matching as they head towards the courtyards. Jo looks towards the window, watching as bright, white snowflakes float in the deep, inky night sky. "How are you feeling now that you're seventeen?" Regulus asks her.
"The exact same as I was feeling yesterday," she tells him. "It wasn't nearly as exciting as I thought it would be."
"Oh, hold on," Regulus says, halting, and Jo turns, watching as he reaches deep into his pocket and pulls out a small, squared box, wrapped neatly with a green ribbon. "Here."
Jo smiles, feeling sheepish. "You got me something?"
"Of course I did," he assures her, soft smile never faltering, "it's your birthday."
Hesitantly, Jo reaches for the box, the tips of her fingers brushing soft against his for a moment, and Jo feels her stomach lurch as Regulus tenses. Slowly, she pulls the ribbon, letting it loosen and fall. She opens the box to reveal an ornate ring, silver, with an oval crystal, a light sage in the center with yellow tones creeping in on the outside. Jo grins.
"It's a mood ring," Regulus rushes to explain as Jo grins down at the gift. "A muggle thing. The color changes, depending on how you're feeling. I figured you would like it since, well, you like muggle things," he stumbles, nerves seeping into his tone.
Jo is quick to slip the ring on her finger, and is amazed to see the band tightens to fit her index finger. And she watches as that soft green is overtaken by a bright, vibrant scarlet. "Apparently I am enraged," she notes, extending her hand to examine the way it looks on her finger. Jo looks up at Regulus. "I love it, thank you."
His cheeks are almost as red as her ring now as they begin taking steps once more. "How's your birthday been so far?"
"Pretty dull all around," she drawls. "How's my birthday been for you? Anything riveting happening down in the Slytherin common room today?"
"Just an average day," he answers easily, and Jo starts to twist the ring on her finger. She feels a bit more like him now; he has at least four adorning his long fingers. "Speaking with serpents, ritualistic sacrifices. Your typical dastardly deeds."
"What's it like?" Jo asks.
"The common room?" She gives him a nod, and Regulus purses his lips, tilts his head. "Nice, I suppose. Though it's very cold. The windows look out into the lake. Turns everything green."
Jo tries to picture it, Rococo furniture with silver detailing, green velvet couches and elaborately detailed rugs, all illuminated by the cold reflections of the deep late water. "Sounds sort of beautiful."
Regulus nods. "Sometimes. Sometimes it makes people feel sick. The merpeople like to watch us sometimes. Can be a bit unnerving."
"I'd like to see it," she tells him. "Maybe you can sneak me in one day."
"Maybe," Regulus says. "Though for whatever reason I don't think that would end well."
Jo flinches. "What, you think I can't hold my own against a bunch of Slytherins?"
Regulus is quick to counter. "I don't think it's you it would end badly for," he remarks. "Did you know I caught Dolohov telling Rory Watts that you were horrifying?"
Jo snorts. "Tell me you're joking."
Jo lets Regulus take the lead, following him as he takes a turn, leading them away from the professors' living quarters and closer to the kitchens. "I can't blame him. When you had your wand pointed at him, even I was getting a bit nervous."
For whatever reason, Jo feels a sudden rush of confidence at his words. "Good," she remarks, straightening her posture just a bit. "What did you say to him?"
Regulus looks down at her briefly. "When?"
"You whispered something to him," Jo clarifies. "Made him lower his wand."
"Oh," Regulus chuckles. "I have a bit of information I don't think Dolohov would want getting out. Told him to lower his wand or he'd regret it."
Jo feels a new emotion completely wash over her: admiration. She looks up at Regulus and his slight lopsided smirk and she feels her heart beat with it. "Blackmail?" she questions with a smirk of her own, and Regulus scoffs. "You know, I was starting to have my doubts about you being in Slytherin, what with you being all kind and gentle, but damn. I was wrong."
Regulus stares down at Jo for just a little too long and she's starting to think she said something wrong. "You think I'm kind?" he questions, sounding a bit too smug for Jo's liking. "And gentle?"
All of the sudden Jo wants to shrink. "Is that bad?" she shoots back, heat in her cheeks.
Regulus just shakes his head, a long smile on his thin lips, teeth slightly poking through. "No, not bad at all."
Jo stumbles down the stairs towards the common room before the sun has began to rise, full moon heavy in the sky, James's stag just a step behind her. Her potions clink together and her head bangs for lack of sleep (the full moon didn't prevent her from her almost nightly walk with Regulus, and her eyes are now heavy and crusty). She is so tired, so bogged down with exhaustion, she almost doesn't notice the way her brother is lying on his back on the ground by the fireplace, blood seeping through his shirt.
"Fucking hell," Jo lets slip, as she stops at the bottom of the steps, eyes going wide and heart pounding in her throat. She takes in the sight of her brother, the ghostlike pallor of his skin, pale like freshly fallen snow, sweat glistening on his forehead. The deep red of his blood seeping into the fresh white cotton of his shirt, like poison seeping into him. Jo feels like she can't move or think because he is so still. James is never still. James is annoying. He is shrieking, bellowing laughter and loud breathing and endless chattering. Even in his sleep he is tossing, turning, rolling. He has never been so still and for a moment, a fraction of a second that feels like an eternity, Jo thinks he is dead.
But he groans, low and deep, like a grumble from his chest, and Jo lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. And the noise from him makes Jo feel like reality has resumed, and the hold time had on her is lifted. She rushes towards her brother, already reaching for her near empty bottle of her wound-cleaning potions and her antidotes for deep wounds.
Jo lands on her knees and reaches for her modified Pepper-Up potion, the one she brews just for her brother. With shaking hands, reaches for her brother's jaw, squeezing tightly, holding him still, and pours some of his down his throat, some of it spilling down the side of his cheek.
She leans back, and watches with anxious eyes as her brother coughs, and slowly opens his eyes. James blinks rapidly, licking his dried lips and leaning up on his elbows. Jo lets out a sigh, body slumping. "Merlin," she breathes out, heart still pounding.
It seems that it takes James a few moments to regain his senses, to assess his surroundings. There is a bit of color returning back to his cheeks as he realizes that his sister is kneeling by his side, glaring down at him. "Cheers, Josie," he grins, though his voice is thick and heavy.
Jo is quick to get to work, lifting his shirt to see deep, wide claw marks that stretch from behind his hip to just below his sternum. If Jo wasn't so worried for him, she would hit him upside the head. Jo pours a liberal amount of her wound-cleaning potion over his cuts; James grimaces as his skin steams. "What the fuck happened, James?" Jo questions through gritted teeth, her hands stained with his blood.
James shifts as she works. Jo mumbles a spell under her breath, wand shaking as she stops the bleeding, evaporating the blood pouring out of him. "It was a rough moon," he grumbles, eyes fluttering shut again.
She really has to resist the urge to shake him, her skin still red and heart hammering. "Why didn't you go to the Hospital Wing instead of bleeding out on the carpet like a bloody idiot?"
"Not bleeding out, just tired," James corrects, like she's not the one closing up his wounds as they speak. Jo gives him a harsh glare. "Pomfrey can't know," he murmurs. "Besides, I knew my little sister could heal me up just fine."
"Where are Peter and Sirius?" Jo asks as she spreads a thick ointment over his wounds, watching them thin out and scab over. She lets out a sigh of relief, hands shaking.
James sits up, leaning against the edge of an armchair. He looks down at his stomach, studying the way they've healed before he pulls down the edge of his shirt. "Still out there. Moon's still up for another twenty-minutes or so. Just couldn't stay in there any longer."
Jo rests her chin against her knees, curling into herself. She feels herself slip into a calmer state. "Was it that bad?"
James frowns at his sister shifting slightly, letting out small hisses of pain. "Remus and Sirius aren't speaking. Got into a row during your birthday party after you disappeared."
This is a stark contrast to the last Jo had heard about the two of them. She thinks of Remus, giddy and whispering about kisses. She furrows her brow, unable to think of a reason their relationship could turn sour so quickly. "Why?"
"Not a clue," he shrugs. "Just know it was brutal."
Jo's heart has slowed, and now that the adrenaline has left her body, the exhaustion hit her again, doubled this time. She nods at her brother, feeling like sinking into the ground. 'Come on, James," she says, heaving as she pushes herself to her feet. "Let's get you to bed."
He nods, and lets Jo pull him to his feet. He slouches against her, and Jo bears most of his weight on her shoulders and he's weighing her down so much she's considering just leaving him on the floor when he says, "Thanks for fixing me, Josie. Love you."
Jo swallows thickly. "Love you too, you idiot."
It becomes abundantly clear to Jo why Remus and Sirius were fighting once she gets down to the Three Broomsticks the following Saturday, as she sees the way Emmeline's hanging off of Sirius's arm. Jo wants to throttle him, for more reasons than one.
There are so many of them, seated at a table far too small for the lot of them. Emmeline sits pretty, blabbing and grinning and batting her eyes at Sirius. And Sirius is smiling with his arm over her shoulder, eyes constantly shifting. Then it's Dorcas and Marlene, seated side by side, giggling as they lean into each other. Lily next to Marlene, holding James's hand under the table. Peter next to James, Helen Birdwhistle at his side, the two of them closer than the rest. Then Hestia and Ravenclaw Hughes, who looks so wildly uncomfortable, stuffed at the table with mostly boastful Gryffindor's. Then Frank, being sweet and attentive to a blushing Alice. Then Jo, who is glaring at Sirius. Remus is next to her, gripping onto her forearm for support and seething quietly, eyes on his shoes.
Jo feels like her eye is twitching as she watches Sirius and Emmeline whisper to each other and she has to fight every urge to pull her raven-haired friend to the side and tell her, "He's using you, he's using you." Remus's grip on her forearm is tight as he grinds his teeth together, knuckles turning white on his other hand as he grips his Butterbeer.
All conversation is a quiet buzz in Jo's ears as she thinks of things to calm her down, biting down on the inside of her cheek, reciting the recipe for Polyjuice potion in her head.
Sirius laughs, loudly and obnoxiously, and says to Emmeline, "I didn't know a girl as fit as you could be so funny."
Add three measures of your fluxweed to the cauldron.
Emmeline blushes, says something that Jo can't comprehend, and Sirius brushes a strand of hair away from her cheek.
Add two bundles of knotgrass to the cauldron; stir clockwise four times.
Dorcas giggles into Marlene's shoulder, tips of her fingers brushing against the bare skin of Marlene's arm.
Let the potion brew until it fades to a putrid green. Add four leeches to the cauldron.
Sirius leans into whisper something to Emmeline, his lips brush against her cheek.
"Can we please get out of here?" Remus whispers harshly into Jo's ear, making her jump. She whips her head around to look at him, and the absolute misery in his big, round eyes make Jo nod.
"Yeah, let's head out," she confirms and begins shoving her arms into her jacket, Remus doing the same.
Their sudden movements have earned the attention of James, who pouts at the sight of them. "Are you two leaving already?"
Remus opens his mouth, but says nothing, and Jo can't stand the sight of him struggling, watching his eyes flicker back and forth between him and Sirius. She interjects with, "Yeah, being around a bunch of couples is making us sick. Need some fresh air," she jokes.
Half-hearted goodbyes are rushed between the lot of them, though no one seems particularly perturbed that Jo and Remus are leaving.
Jo and Remus rush out into the cold, snow sticking to the hem of their pants, the edge of their eyelashes. Jo shivers, and loops her arm through Remus's. "Sorry about that," she mumbles to him as they push through crowds, rushing back towards the castle.
Remus doesn't look up at her and she thinks for a moment that he's crying. "Did you know?" he questions.
Jo shakes her head. "No. Vance didn't tell me," she answers, trying to make her voice as soft and comforting as she can. She holds onto Remus just a little bit tighter. "Try not to blame her, alright? It's Sirius's fault, not hers."
Remus doesn't say anything to her. They make the trek back up to the castle in tense silence.
Jo spends the next few hours in the lavatory, soaking her cold skin in a hot bath, using as many bubbles and lotions as she can. She sits in silence and tries to think of nothing, tries not to think about more and more, everything feels as if it's falling apart. Tensions and arguments and betrayals. She doesn't want to contribute to it, doesn't want anything to do with it anymore. She's so sick of it all she thinks apologizing to Lily once and for all might end up being worth it.
Her dorm is empty by the time she comes back up, something Jo is no longer surprised to see. Her dorm is empty most of the time, with Dorcas and Alice sneaking out to the other dormitories, and Jo slipping out for her late night walks. It feels strange standing there alone, she looks at her photos of her friends that hang near her bed, and plays a record to make up for the silence.
The bed is warm and inviting, Jo snuggles deeper into it and thinks about studying and she thinks about her homework but the music is almost lulling her to sleep. For a while, she slips in and out of consciousness, the moments where she is awake feeling like a faint dream. Jo feels, for a second, a moment of peace.
And then Dorcas walks through the door.
She is moving with aggression; whipping her coat off and tossing it on the edge of her bed, kicking her shoes off and letting them lie in the middle of the room. Her movements make Jo shift, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. Dorcas doesn't greet Jo. She flops down on her bed and crosses her legs, folds her arms across her chest and glares at Jo. "So do you want to tell me what's crawled up your arse and died?" she snaps.
Jo flinches, shifting and sitting up to face her friend. "What?" she questions, eyes narrowed and thoughts cloudy.
"You've been in a piss mood for days now. I'm just asking what it's all about." Dorcas spits out her words like she has been rehearsing them for days, and Jo feels caught off guard, unarmed and attacked.
She furrows her brow, frowning. "I don't think I've been in a piss mood. Why don't you tell me, since you seem to be so sure about it?"
Dorcas has fire in eyes and keeps her mouth pressed into a thin line. "You've been acting like a git ever since you found out about me and Marlene."
Her words fill Jo with a sudden irritation. "I'm not talking about this with you," she dismisses, rolling her eyes.
"Yes, yes you are," Dorcas insists, raising her voice.
But Jo keeps an even tone and says her words with a forced sort of composure that she's started to pick up from Regulus. "No, I'm really not."
Dorcas stands, hand gripping her bedpost and leaning towards Jo. "You can't make a comment like you did and expect me not to get pissed about it," she spits out, vitriol strong and fierce.
"What comment?"
"'Being around a bunch of couples is making us sick,'" Dorcas says in a faux gravelly, low voice that Jo realizes is meant to be an imitation of her own.
Jo desperately wants to explain to her exactly why she said what she said and get her off of her back, but she couldn't, and she wouldn't. She wouldn't put Remus on the spot like that, so instead she lets her defenses go up and she sneers back, "And you took that as a personal attack?"
"Yes!" Dorcas exclaims, throwing her hands up and letting out a bit of indignant laughter. "Because you've been acting like a git."
"How?" Jo questions back, now leaning forward in her bed and meeting Dorcas with a glare of her own. "How have I been acting like a git?"
"You're always pouting and moping and you go quiet whenever she's around," Dorcas explains with a harshness in her voice that Jo has never heard before, "and you won't say anything to her, even though you seem to be perfectly fine with Remus."
Jo thinks that Dorcas has never been this mad at her or at anyone and the idea of it makes her feel sick. "I've always been closer to Remus than with her," she argues. "And just because I don't want to talk to her doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong."
"You're supposed to be supportive of my relationships, Jo."
Jo sighs. "Dorcas, I don't care if you want to go out with Marlene. She's not the first girl I'd pick for you, but it's not like that even matters."
Dorcas scoffs, tapping her foot on the ground and keeping her arms crossed tightly over her chest. "I thought you would be happy for me?"
"I am!" Jo erupts, swinging her legs around the edge of her bed and leaning in closer to Dorcas. "I am ecstatic that you're happy! But that doesn't mean it's not just a bit strange to me that you're going out with Marlene after how she treated me."
"Isn't that why you were annoyed with Marlene in the first place?" Dorcas shouts back. "Because she had it out for you over something you did to Lily? Why would you want me to do the same thing to her that she did to you when it pissed you off so much?"
Jo chews on her bottom lip and will not let Dorcas see her falter. "At least it would show a modicum of loyalty on your behalf." And that makes Dorcas lose it. She tosses her heads up in the air and turns away from Jo, hands on her hips and eyes fixed on the ground. Jo continues, "I'm just saying she made me feel like an outcast for weeks and you didn't even care! I bet you were snogging right after she was done attacking me with Bulgers!"
Dorcas spins around and faces Jo with her chest heaving and lip snarled. " I was the one who convinced her to apologize to you!"
"After two weeks?"
"Yeah, and during those two weeks I was one of the only people who didn't turn my back on you!" Dorcas shouts, not holding back now, voice venomous and Jo can feel the anger and resentment built into each syllable as she spits them directly at her. "All of your other friends were sick of your stupid, irrational, jealous behavior but I stayed by your side and this is the thanks I get?"
Jo blinks back hot tears that are starting to build up. "Is that what you think of me? You think I'm jealous?"
"Yes, Jo, I think you're jealous," Dorcas confirms. "I think you're jealous because you grew up in your stupid brother's shadow and you never felt good enough so now you hate anyone that's a threat. You hate Lily because people like her more than you and you hate Marlene because I'm spending more time with her than you now."
Jo finds herself speechless. She sits there in her bed and stares blankly at Dorcas. Jo aims for neutrality in her expression, pours all of her energy into it, even though every word Dorcas says is a blow that hits her square in the gut.
Dorcas plows on, unleashing everything that she has held in without hesitation and without thought. "And I know you say you hate Lily because you're just being protective of James, but she doesn't do anything to him anymore!" Dorcas hollers. "They're happy together! Get over it, Jo! Be supportive of your brother's relationship and be supportive of mine. That's what a real friend would do! Not sit here and pout because someone else is getting more attention than you!"
Jo inhales deeply, and with her exhales says, "It's never been about that."
"Then what is it about Jo?"
Her throat is tight and her hands are shaking as she stands and stares down Dorcas. "It's about the fact that I would do anything for my friends. Anything for you and for my brother. I would swallow my pride and apologize for him but he wouldn't do the same for me! I would watch you leave my birthday party to go be with a girl you've only been dating for a few weeks and not say anything and I'll bit my tongue and pretend it doesn't bother me and that's still not good enough for you!"
For a few moments, there is nothing. Nothing but heavy breathing and tense air and Jo can't handle it anymore. She pushes off her bed, and grabs a pair of sneakers, shoving them on and biting back the tears that are threatening to give her up.
"Where are you going?" Dorcas questions, but she doesn't get an answer. Jo is out the door without another word to her.
Jo is down there before Regulus is, which is a first. The halls are completely empty when she drops to the ground, back against the wall, and pulls her knees to her chest, dips her head down, and lets the sob rack her body.
She can't remember the last time she cried. She can't remember what it was over. But now she is completely consumed by it, every inch of her shaking, trembling. She thinks that she can't breathe, or maybe she forgot how to. Jo doesn't let herself think about the words Dorcas shouted at her, doesn't let herself remember the ones she shouted back.
And she doesn't know how long she had been sitting there; it feels like hours of her cries draining of her energy. She tugs at her hair, tries to curl tighter into herself, but it doesn't make it stop, doesn't make the gaping hole in her chest feel any smaller.
"Josephine?"
At the sound of Regulus's voice, Jo is on her feet. He stands down the hall, still, hands curled into fists by his side as he watches, takes in Jo's tear-stained eyes and quivering lips and he is still. But Jo, with shaking shoulders and a tightening throat, takes long, quick strides towards Regulus. Every motion is automatic and she can only think of Dorcas's words, echoing in her head as she launches herself against him, wrapping her arms around his neck, letting sobs loose into his shoulder.
Regulus is, for a moment, stunned. The weight of her against him temporarily knocks him back, but he stables, hands hovering over her back, unsure. But Jo cries his name into his robes, feeling pathetic and heartbroken, and that is enough for him to snake his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. "It's okay," he whispers into her ear, raising a hand to the back of her head, slowly, smoothing out her hair. "It's okay, Josephine."
The tears don't stop, they keep coming. They flow freely and Jo thinks that she should feel guilty for getting Regulus's robes wet with tears but she can't bring herself to let go of him. He doesn't push her away. He holds onto her waist tight, fingers still soft against her hair, and lets her cry. She breathes in his scent of sage and squeezes her eyes shut, hoping that it will calm her. "Do you want to talk about it?' Regulus asks.
Jo can't formulate words, so she shakes her head rapidly, tightening her grip around his neck. Regulus uses his thumb to draw small circles against her back. "Alright," he says, "that's alright. You're alright, Josephine. You'll be alright."
So Jo cries for even longer, her grip on Regulus never relenting, and she thinks that she doesn't ever want to let go.
got snowed in so here's an extra chapter. the most dramatic chapter yet lol. teen angst to the max!
