My Youth Romantic Comedy is a Catastrophe, as I Expected
Foreword: It took a while, but we're back. I'm Mayflower Productions, introducing the latest installment of Catastrophe. To anyone wondering why this chapter took so long, it's a combination of my other story eating my time, and me underestimating the effort it takes to write. I don't have much of this story's plot outside of loosely following the Dandelion canon, which increases the amount of lifting and planning each chapter requires. Long story short, expect infrequent updates for Catastrophe, I can't make any promises of sticking to a solid upload schedule. As for the story's direction, new characters show up. Isn't that exciting? Now for the main course... Catastrophe Chapter 4: Slowly, They Learn More About Him.
Catastrophe- POV shift, line break "Hachi-chan~."- Dialogue
Disclaimer- I do not own Oregairu, Nekopara, Joukamachi no Dandelion, or any other intellectual properties that may appear in this story. Please don't sue me.
Chapter 4: Slowly They Learn More About Him
"Live to fight another day," or exercising retreat as a viable option. Most people (read: vapid riajuu) would turn their heads in disgust at such a mentality, calling it cowardice, and instead rely on their "friends" for help. Unlike them, I'm someone who doesn't count on the "goodwill" of others (see my entire middle school career), so I hold a different opinion of tactical withdrawals. It's just another of my 108 Loner Skills that I depend on to survive the rough waters of adolescence. Why am I even talking about such a topic? Well, you see, after being caught up in my class rep's "public service" of a school tour, and wasting my precious time, I grew tired of her gesture and escaped once I saw an opportunity. Sure, I can't completely avoid her since we're seatmates, but I needed some space to breathe and monologue in peace. Besides, school is only half the battle these days. I can't forget about my new home and its ensuing tribulations. Mainly, the fact that I, Hikigaya Hachiman, now live with catgirls, that's right, the genuine article, four of them actually, or should I say six... So far, they haven't been too stressful, aside from one, but that could change at any moment. Also, why is that house designed like a maze? You're walking one way, and then, *pop*, there are a million intersections. When did my life become so complicated...
"I think I ran far enough; there's no way Sakurada would come after me now, right?" After a few minutes of brisk running, I assumed the coast was clear and stopped, sighing in relief. Sure, I'm not the most athletic, only recently released from the hospital, but my speed is somewhat impressive... at least I can outrun a teenage girl. Hah, hah, hah, maybe I could join the track team... as if.
In any case, my clever exploits outsmarted my twin-tailed classmate, and I could now enjoy a quiet walk home today, where stacks of light novels wait for me, and a creepy stalker ("Hachi-chan~.")... I think I'll start locking my door at night... Tch, but it's a traditional Japanese house with sliding doors, so I can't. You think it's over Cinnamon, but don't underestimate me. I won't go down without a fight...
"Hi-ki-ga-ya-kun!" From out of nowhere, Sakurada Akane appeared, seething with rage. H-how did she get here? I thought I left her behind?
"Uh, oh," I uttered, realizing the gravity of my situation. Sakurada found me with little difficulty, and I was now caught in a checkmate. This isn't good... Where's that Max Repel when you need it? I shouldn't have skimped at the last Pokemon Center.
"You left me without giving me a single warning... Do you know how rude that is?" Her anger subsided, mellowing out to a mild blush of frustration. Ok, she's calmed down. Phew, at least I won't have to worry about another sucker punch today. ("*groan*") I can still feel the phantom pain from Sensei's fist.
Now the question is, how do I get myself out of this?
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that, but the tour was over; we saw the entire school. Please don't blame me for taking my leave at such a time... Oh, look at the time, I have plans after this, so I believe this is where we depart. It's been a (not) pleasure meeting you, and I'll see you tomorrow..." I attempted to expedite the conversation and fade away from Sakurada. Come on, Stealth Hikki, the crown jewel of my skills, don't fail me now.
"Oh, Hikigaya-kun, where do you think you're going? We're obviously walking home together with my older siblings." She descended upon my sleeve. I don't like where this is going.
"But, I have plans..." I interrupted, trying to pull away and avoid her grip. I knew the moment she got ahold of me, my freedom would be rendered nonexistent. Resistance was the only option... Fight on, Hachiman, don't give up~.
"We're walking home together with my older siblings." The dark edge to her voice returned, eyes glossing over. The air around us felt frigid, almost like she was a walking blizzard. How is she capable of such dramatic mood shifts? I'm impressed with her emotional range.
"...Ok." I relented and allowed Sakurada to grasp my blazer's sleeve...
"I like boys who listen~." She beamed a radiant smile at my subservience. Scary. High school girls are terrifying.
Catastrophe
"So, how are you acquainted with Akane..." Shu-chan turned to the boy walking with Akane with his usual blank expression.
"H-Hikigaya Hachiman." The boy adverted my brother's gaze and quietly replied. How modest, Hikigaya Hachiman.
"Hikigaya, then. How about you elaborate on your relationship with my younger sister." Shu-chan continued staring at Hikigaya, barely hiding his serious intent... What a sis-con.
"*sigh* Do I have to explain, Sakurada?" Hikigaya turned to Akane and spoke to her in a hushed tone.
"Yes, Hikigaya-kun, tell them all about our fated encounter."
"Well, basically, I was walking to school, like any diligent student, and on my journey, I spotted a leech. I obviously avoided contact with such a parasitic being, but sadly, the unidentified creature latched onto me and refused to release its grip. Now saddled with such a hindrance, I marched to homeroom and met the cold floor thanks to my homeroom teacher's anger. The unfortunate reality of it all was that the free-rider slightly slowed me down, making me tardy for the day's lesson; if it wasn't for her, I would have avoided the "Terminating Bullet."... *stare*~." Once done speaking, Hikigaya started glaring at Akane, almost as if he was upset about something... Oh, so that's what happened. I see.
"Why are you glaring at me?" Unsurprisingly, Akane was defensive in her response...
"It's all in your imagination, Sakurada... Tch."
"If you're still upset about this morning, I'm sorry, but you know how Sensei is... I had no other options."
"*stare*~~." His cold stare intensified.
"Hikigaya-kun, I'm sorry~." She began pulling on Hikigaya, begging for his forgiveness.
"If you really feel that way, then let go of my sleeve."
"No."
"Then you're not sorry... *sigh* Why are you so complicated?"
"Ahem, that's quite the story you've got there, Hikigaya. *stare*~."
"Oh, I appreciate the kind gesture, Shu-senpai."
"So, Hikigaya-kun, do you have any intentions with your relationship with Akane?" I interrupted, attempting to figure out anything about Akane's classmate. It shouldn't be too hard with my public persona and the heartwarming smile. Hikigaya will just melt like...
"Kana-chan, don't say it like that! You make it sound like we-we're..." Akane gasped, her face flushed. *sigh* How naive. She just doesn't understand that not everyone can be trusted at first glance. If Akane isn't careful, she will be exploited, yet again... She should appreciate how kind I am to look out for her.
"I think you meant to say friends, right, Kanade?" Shuu-chan also missed the nuance of my words. He's so thick-skulled sometimes.
"...Stop dragging me around, Sakurada. I am not a toy!" Hikigaya complained at Akane pulling behind him... I was ignored; he even didn't spare me a passing glance!
"But Hikigaya-kun, there's a camera right there, so we need to avoid it."
"Why should I care about some public safety measure?" I'm the Student Council Vice President, one of the most popular girls at Soubu!
"*sigh* You just don't understand, Hikigaya-kun, those cameras pick up your every motion. Is that not horrifying?"
"Akane, you're worrying about nothing, again."
"See, your brother has a point, so..." I don't mean to brag, but my looks are impeccable. Despite all that, he refused to acknowledge my existence and continued talking with my siblings.
"Kana-chan, you get where I'm coming from, right? Unlike Hikigaya-kun, and Shuu-kun." Akane stares at me expectantly while hunched behind the mysterious boy. Just what is going on with those two? It was unusual for Akane to latch onto someone so quickly. Ever since the incident, she struggled to make friends and was treated as a pseudo outcast. In a way, it made sense for her to meet Hikigaya Hachiman, but at the same time, it didn't. The two appeared wildly different in their personalities, with the boy trying to inch away from my sister, who kept pulling him in.
"It is not very appropriate for someone your age to be afraid of cameras. In any case, how do you feel about Akane, Hikigaya-kun?" I tried to gain his attention again and have him answer my question. We gained eye contact, so there is no way I can be ignored a second time.
"I..." Hikigaya started, his eyes firmly locked on to me.
"You..."
"I want nothing to do with Sakurada, Kanade-san. It is unfortunate that our paths even crossed, and I h-have no intentions of interacting with her any more than necessary." He finally answered me... What a strange response. Most boys his age would be ecstatic to walk with a beautiful girl like Akane, but he feels the opposite. If anything, Hikigaya Hachiman regarded such a prospect as disturbing, his voice slightly wavering while speaking.
"Hmm..." I narrowed my gaze.
"Now, what do we have here?" Before I could continue to study Hikigaya, we were interrupted, a new voice from behind Akane. Of course, she would be here; we all always walk home together...
"Aoi?" It was Sakurada Aoi, the oldest sibling and the undisputed "Queen" of Soubu High. Every boy wanted to be with her, and every girl wanted to be her; Aoi's following dwarfed everyone else in comparison, including me. Not even Hikigaya should be unaware of her reputation. He would have to have been living under a rock for the past month.
Hikigaya stopped staring at me and moved his gaze towards my older sister. Here comes the fanboying... 3, 2, 1. "Who are you?" He quizzically asked, his face showing no shock or excitement.
"Y-you can't be serious, Hikigaya?" Shuu-chan stated in disbelief, his eyes widening in surprise. Now that is rare.
"Hikigaya-kun, this is another one of your jokes, right? I'm not laughing. Where's the punchline?" Akane similarly felt unconvinced and actually pulled away from him as if his words were a cold shower.
"..." I had no words for Hikigaya and could only remain speechless. If I said anything, it might break character and inconvenience me... I've heard of dense guys before, but Hikigaya Hachiman takes the trait to a black-hole level. He might be more delusional than Teru, and he's a child!
"Why are you all acting so strangely? Was it something I said?" I am honestly amazed by this boy. He has seriously never heard of Aoi, let alone any of the other Sakurada siblings, despite being the same age as Akane.
"..." Not even the great Aoi-san was left unscathed, as her eyebrows raised ever so slightly, breaking her perpetual smile. "Oh, so you must be the Hikigaya-kun, everyone's talking about. I'm Sakurada Aoi, Akane's older sister." Regardless her confidence momentarily returned as she introduced herself to the first year with a bright smile. Nee-san truly is the most formidable opponent; she pivoted so quickly, without much delay. I still have a long way to go.
"You're a 3rd year, right... Aoi-san?"
"You can just call me "Aoi," Hikigaya-kun."
"Yeah, no," And he rejected her offer... Interesting.
"...They're talking about me... I have a reputation... No, no, no, I just wanted a quiet high school debut..." Hikigaya momentarily lost all his confidence and began mumbling to himself.
"Is he ok?" Aoi turned to Akane with a concerned look.
"Just give him a second, nee-san. He'll recover soon."
"... Before we continue, I would like a bit of clarification. How many Sakurada siblings are there, Shu-senpai?" The first-year returned from his lull and asked Shu a question.
"If I'm not mistaken, nine."
"Nine Sakurada-level threats?.. My life is such a catastrophe... Uh, Sakurada, specifically the one next to me?"
"Yes, Hikigaya-kun?"
"Can you let go of me now?"
"Why, there could be surprise cameras up ahead?"
"I have a legitimate reason this time," he remarked. The five of us stood at an intersection, the road branching in two directions.
"Let's hear it then."
"My house is at the left of this next intersection."
"Oh, if that's the case, I will..."
"Heh." Hold on, is that a subtle smirk I see? Trying to fool Akane, are we? Only I can do that, as her older sister.
"Hikigaya-kun, it's unsightly to attempt to manipulate a woman, you know?" I accused him while wearing a thin smile.
"W-what are you implying, Kanade-san. I l-live in the other direction. I'm not lying." Hikigaya struggled to respond as calmly as before, his eyes nervously darting... Hold on, I knew there was something strange about his behavior. He wasn't just any run-of-the-mill 1st year, but a special case.
"I knew the name Hikigaya Hachiman sounded familiar. You were the student whose introduction was heavily delayed."
"H-how is that related to my address? Evidence, show me the evidence!"
"Well, if you are so insistent for proof..." I fished through my belongings, looking for the specific document invalidating Hikigaya-kun's claims. No one can outwit me, besides nee-san, of course. "Here you are." I handed him the folder.
"Hikigaya Hachiman: address... No, how do you have this?" He scanned through its contents before stopping, color draining from his face.
"You can't underestimate Soubu's Vice President, Hikigaya-kun~." I teased him with a cheeky grin.
"Tch." He was crafty, trying to free himself from Akane's grip, but not skilled enough...
Catastrophe
"*sigh* What a day." I let out a building groan as I started walking home alone. Those Sakurada siblings really are dangerous, especially Kanade, the second daughter. She saw through my plot without even trying and knew about the distinctive circumstances behind my absence too. I definitely need to avoid interacting with her any more than necessary. Thankfully, our paths legitimately diverged at the last corner, so I had time to decompress and gather my thoughts. After all, in only a few minutes, my next great challenge for the day awaits me, the Cat House. Sure I could call it "home" or the "Minazuki residence," but those titles don't give the property the respect it deserves, and besides, catgirls live there, so it was christened the "Cat House" by one Hikigaya Hachiman...
Catastrophe
"Ok, here we go." I stood right outside the Cat House, starting at its front door. All I have to do is use the key and walk inside... use the key and walk inside... *sigh* We're going this again? My body refused to move a muscle, presumably out of residual fear from past trauma. What do I mean? I was once a normal child, one who strove for an eventful life where I had friends and could attend birthday parties, so I leaped at any opportunity my classmates offered me to join them. Sadly, for young Hachiman, those offers were nefarious in nature, as they led to empty parking lots or random houses where I had to be escorted out. It seems that years after the fact, my loner instincts were built up to question visiting any home except my former residence. Even on the rare occasions, I had to stop by here for family dinners, Komachi always dragged me through the front door to overcome this invisible repulsive force. Now that my little sister isn't around to help me, I have to take matters into my own hands. Ok, body, how about this; if we don't move soon, Sakurada might pass by and figure out where we live, forever dooming our chances at quiet walks to school.
"Click!" Success, it appears my that ultimatum worked as I finally placed the key into the lock and opened the door. I guess the best motivator for Hikigaya Hachiman is the threat of attention. I know myself so well.
"I'm back." I quietly called out as I walked inside. It's not like anyone was waiting for me to arrive, but the two words uncontrollably flowed out of my mouth. Note to self: the Cat House might have magical properties.
"Hachiman!"
"You're back." On second thought, someone did care about my arrival, specifically, two small creatures, who were nearly identical, excluding hair and eye color, as they raced down the hallway.
"Y-yeah, it appears so." I was not prepared for this, having others greet me, which was evident from my whimper of a reply. The twins ran (at maximum toddler speed) up to me, and I knelt to meet their gaze. From up close, I realized how excited they were as the darker one... let's just call her Kuro-chan and her sister Yuki, since her hair reminds of a winter day, with both wearing bright smiles. They were so radiant that I had to reel back to prevent my eyes from burning. Their cuteness shows no bounds; it overcomes my Dead-Fish modifier and is super-effective. If it grows any more effective, my HP will take a beating.
"We miss you, Hachiman. We're now happy!" Kuro-chan exclaimed as she dug herself into my left side. It's so adorable... No, Hachiman, you must resist! Remember your training, Komachi's the cutest, Komachi's the cutest...
"Azu-nee said you had school. What is school, Hachiman?"I pivoted to my right to see Yuki-chan tilt her head in confusion as she spoke. Not the one, two punch! My defense won't last at this rate... Hachiman is unable to battle! Game Over!
"Let's just say that it isn't a very nice place," I explained while ruffling each twin's hair. Is this what having children feels like? The motivation to come home every day from a grueling black company? Hmm, maybe my dream of house-husbandry isn't so farfetched after all. The twins could function as a sort of trial run, and since they're catgirls, I can see the results in only a year or so... Wait, I'm supposed to be aiming for uneventful high school life, not some nanny gig. I let my guard down for a moment, and the twins' cuteness hijacks my monologues. Focus Hachiman, just keep it up until we reach our room. Don't give up; you can do it! (Why does that sound familiar?)
"So you made it back in one piece then, Hachiman. I didn't think you would make it." Shigure decided to make her presence known with her small barb.
"How did you get here before me? If I'm not mistaken, your school ends after mine."
"Well, unlike someone here, I know how to pick my conversations." Oi, that's uncalled for. Don't blame my arrival on my social skills... t-that hurts my feelings, you know~?
"What took you so long, Hachi-nyan?"
"We all thought you ran into trouble."
"Yeah, Maple said something about you falling for a honey trap... Mmm..."
"Shut up, Coconut... He doesn't need to know."
"So, Hachi-chan, did you make any friends on your first day?"
"Oh, you're back, Hachiman. Pops said that you need to fill out some paperwork for the twins." The calvary arrived as I was swarmed by the other catgirls and Kashou... So I can't escape my responsibility, huh? Not even Uncle wants to deal with them and is thrusting the job onto me.
"Wait, Kashou, what does he want from me?"
"Apparently, he called Auntie, and she thought that your situation was the perfect opportunity to learn something about independence. Pops agreed, and now you're the legal owner of the twins. You should probably get around to naming them soon because no one knows what to call them." So mom was behind this. *sigh* She must be really sick of "to work is to lose," to take things so far.
"Shigure, what's the naming scheme for all the other catgirls?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"You heard what Kashou just said, right?"
"Of course, I always closely listen whenever nii-sama speaks, his voice being music to my ears."
"Bro-con."
"Nii-sama and I's relationship is above such crude insults." Why does she make this harder than it needs to be?
"Shigure, can you please just answer the question?"
"... We usually go by a food theme, each girl having the name of something you would find at a cafe or bakery."
"I see..." I hum in response and turn my gaze downwards at the twins, who in turn looked up at me. I could easily continue using their code names (Kuro and Yuki), but they feel weirdly off-putting. Maybe I don't want them to stand out too much from their peers, or my desire to distance myself from the twins, but they needed more fitting titles. What baked goods remind me of these two...
"Oh, I almost forgot about the chocolate and vanilla cake I was baking." Kashou rushed out of the foyer and towards the kitchen. Patissier, he's a patissier, a person who prepares cakes... It all makes sense.
"I've got it... Listen up, you two, from now on, you'll be called..." I looked at the darker twin, "Chocola." and then her snow-white sister, "Vanilla."
"Chocola and Vanilla... What good choices, from someone like you, Hachiman."
"I know, I know, my talents have no end. Well, if you will excuse me, I have some homework to finish."
"Names, Vanilla, we have names!"
"Yes, we do, Chocola."
"Now you're officially part of the family." As I made my way in the direction of my room, I heard a flurry of noise behind me. They're just names; I don't understand what the excitement is for; anyone could have reached the same idea I did... Uh, they're so loud... This noise is going to take some time to get used to. I miss my solitude. My new life is such a catastrophe.
Catastrophe
Author's Note- Catgirls can be so cute... when they want to be. Also, our favorite loner has interested a certain large family, I wonder what wacky shenanigans might occur in the future? So what did you think of my return, write a review sharing thoughts, concerns, or anything else you wanted to tell me, including any formatting suggestions. I still can't decide on how to structure these ANs, "To be bold or not to be bold, that is the eternal question." Please favorite, follow, and share to expand this story's reader base. If you like reading my work and want more, check out Infinite Loner, my other story which also stars Hachiman as he tackles the mess that is IS Academy. I've been Mayflower Productions, thank you for reading Catastrophe, and I'll catch you on the flipside.
Preview:
"So how was school today, Akane?"
"You wouldn't believe it, I met this weird boy while walking to school."
"What was he like?"
"From a distance he sort of resembled you or Shuu-chan, yet up close his eyes were all serious and he walked with a slight hunch. It was like he tried to make himself appear as unlikable as possible."
"That's not fair Akane! Why did you get some fated encounter? All I had today was a math test. Boo~."
"Hikari, I don't believe nee-san met a knight in shining armor. Statistically speaking, she most likely bumped into someone. After all, there was a 97% chance that something like that would have happened."
"Who asked you for something like that, Haruka?"
"M-my source would like to retain confidentiality, Misaki."
"It was Shu."
"Who else could it be."
"Onii-chan really cares about Aka-nee, after all."
"Hey, why am I being accused? It could be someone else, like, like... Kanade!"
"*sigh* We all know that's not true. Kanade isn't the Vice President of the Sakurada Akane Fan Club."
"Wait, what? Shuu-chan are you hiding something from me?"
"I have no idea of what you're talking about, Akane... Dad, help me out over here."
"Sorry son, but I've learned to only fight winning battles. I am not sinking alongside you."
"Regardless of what Haruka and Shu were up to, Hikigaya-kun was quite the interesting person. He didn't know who I was. I never thought I would see the day when a Soubu student was completely unaware of my existence."
"So he never saw you before, Aoi?"
"I was surprised myself, mom."
"I hope I meet can this great Hikigaya-sama soon, nee-sama."
"Who knows, anything is possible. Right, Akane?"
"Oh, yeah, since Hikigaya-kun lives nearby, we could invite him over some time."
"Next time on Catastrophe- Chapter 5: Their Paths Remain Intertwined."
"Look, Hachiman, I can write my name!"
"I see Chocola, you sure are smart."
"Yay~!"
"Praise me, too, Hachiman. I did a good job."
"Of course, Vanilla, you'll be such a fine scholar, one day."
"Teehee~."
"Shigure is Hachiman okay? His eyes are hollowed out, and he appears to be in a trance."
"I wouldn't worry too much about him, Maple. He just exhausted his social battery for the day. Give him a good night's sleep, and he'll return to his normal cynical state."
"If you say so..."
"You girls are so cute... I'm sorry, Komachi, I'm sorry, Komachi, I'm sorry, Komachi..."
Chapter End
