I open my eyes as soon as I wake up this morning. I don't know why, but I felt none of the usual grogginess that keeps me in bed most days. I just spring up.
I look at my alarm clock.
4:02 AM, the screen displays..
Oh, well, that's why I didn't wake up to my alarm. My alarm is set to 6 AM every day. It doesn't really need to be, since I'm not in school anymore and I have basically unlimited money from Amazon so I don't need a job. For some odd reason I just can't bring myself to turn it off.
I undress and hop in the shower. A hot shower in the morning is a part of my routine, though I'm doing it way earlier than usual today. My hair's a handful to dry so I just wrap it in a towel for now.
I start making myself some breakfast. Nothing complicated, just some scrambled eggs. Personally, I prefer them sunny-side up, but I'm in a hurry. I pour myself some water from the faucet to wash it down. I take the towel off my head, though my head's still damp.
As soon as I'm done with the eggs, I get changed into some athletic clothes. Again, nothing complicated - A tank top and some sweatpants. I've always loved tank-tops ever since I was a kid, so about a quarter of my wardrobe consists of them. I drink some more water and leave the apartment, taking the stairs down this time.
Here's another part of my morning routine - my morning jog. I rushed breakfast and my shower because I wanted to have a really early jog today. I've always been an active kid, and there's really no secret to it. I just happen to enjoy how exercise feels.
I exit the apartment building through the front entrance and start jogging on the sidewalk.
It may as well be midnight, because there's not a bit of light in the sky. Streetlights are the only thing illuminating my path forward.
It's been a long while since I had a good jog. I haven't had time until today because I've been so absorbed in my research. My desire for answers is one of the few things that is capable of overpowering my love for physical exertion. Before then, I was either insane or inside of a video game, so it's not like I was able to do it then, either.
Even though it's been so long, though, I still remember the way to the park. It's just half a mile away from the building, and the park itself is made up of a long roundabout path that takes up another mile and a half or so.
I make it to the park in no time, and I enjoy the peaceful solitude of the wee hours of the morning. Not a person in sight but me.
I remember that Monika used to talk about jogging with me one day. I remember that we had that hobby in common.
I wonder sometimes, if that was a coincidence or if the Amazon people picked me because the two of us had so much in common.
Her face flashes into my head again. That look… The crossbreeding of fear and disgust… It's as if I can never truly forget about it. Even thinking about her, no, even the slightest mention of her name triggers that same stupid scene in my brain.
As I run, I remember all of the times I saw her smile over those months. All of those experiences we shared, ruined by just one interaction.
No… I can't lie to myself.
It was ruined by me. It was ruined by the decision I made to lose hold of life… I lost hold of my faith in God, no, my faith in anything at all. Again, I'm lying to myself. I was raised Christian, sure, but I was only ever Christian in name only. It was nothing but the religion I identified with, nothing more. I didn't lose faith in that, no. I lost faith in the identity I identified with. I lost faith in myself, and everything followed suit.
And then, everything reset again, back to square one. But did my faith come back? Did that reset? I might pretend everything's okay now, but…
I still don't have much reality left to hold onto. All of these time-loops, time-leaps, whatever they're called, they're making me lose my sense of what's real and what isn't. For all I know, these past two years were a dream. For all I know, everything I've lived through up until this morning was a dream.
Thinking about this, I forgot that I was running, and I was no longer on the path. I was no longer close to it. I couldn't even see it anymore.
I may as well keep running forward, since I've already made it this far. I continue jogging in the direction I had already wandered.
Soon enough, I've lost track of how far I've run.
I'm reminded of a time when something like this happened to me in the past. While I had gone insane, lost faith.
I had simply walked, and walked, and walked. With no purpose and no end in sight. I simply walked for the sake of walking, because I had nothing better to do with my pitiful existence.
I'm the kind of person who acts all cheery on the outside (of course, with a side of sarcasm), hiding how I really feel around people. I guess the only people I could really open up around were Tyler, Elizabeth, and Monika.
And now all three of them are gone from my life.
And all three of them…
I rid from my life myself.
I killed Tyler.
I broke Elizabeth's heart.
I scarred Monika.
I act like all this stuff just happened to unfold around me, like I was the victim. But in reality, I was the catalyst of all this.
If I had just maintained a level head, I wouldn't be suffering.
All of this is completely my fault. How can I pretend for even one second that it's not?
And now I roped Natsuki into this mess, all because of my idiocy.
All of this is of my own…
My train of thought is stopped in its tracks as I stop running. I can't run anymore. Because I'm on top of a hill, and the hill's too steep to traverse down.
I just stand, stock still, at the edge of that hill. Staring at the horizon.
It's not as dark as it was before. I hadn't noticed but it's much brighter out. The sun's not out yet, but it's bright.
I catch my breath and stretch a bit, staring at the horizon all the while. I don't even remember the last time I watched the sun rise, and I'm not about to miss this one.
And just like that, it happens.
The crack of dawn.
At first it's just a speck. Then a sliver. Then a hemisphere. Soon enough, though, a full orb surfaces from beneath the skyline. I don't feel that I have even appreciated the sun's existence in a long while. Either it's not real or I'm not sane enough to notice it.
Come to think of it, there are a lot of things I haven't done in a while. If I wrote them all down on paper I'm sure several trees would have to give their lives to make it possible.
Having seen what I came here for, I turn around and finish my jog. I saw everything that I needed to have seen. The rest will come in due time.
…
I jog back to my apartment and instantly notice that my door is open. I didn't give Natsuki my room key, did I? I stop in my tracks and try to make as little noise as possible, which proves difficult with my constant panting from running for so long. I gently open the door, trying to make sure it doesn't creak at all. This effort is proven useless, though, when I see a figure sitting on my sofa, looking right at me with a piercing glare.
"Took you long enough, Xavier."
