Sorry for the delay in getting this published. I had most of it finished but I was waiting to hear back from my editor (she doesn't edit so much as proofread if I need it and help me when I get stuck) on the ending. We're still not quite satisfied with it but I'd like to hear your thoughts.
Chapter 23: Confessions
When Ana reappeared, the figures were a little unclear at first. But she could make out the shape of a lion and a man so she knew who they were. Caspian's back was turned but Aslan stood facing her direction.
As they came more into focus, she could make out her surroundings better. She didn't return from the wave but rather appeared in front of it, facing the water covered in lilies. Ana also noted that her clothes and weapons had returned.
Aslan was watching her, waiting patiently for her to fully return. Caspian, however, had started to walk away. His shoulders were a bit hunched and he was looking at the ground. If Ana wasn't mistaken, he seemed very disappointed and distraught. She frowned a little at this observation. It was very unlike him, especially in the Lion's presence.
"Welcome back, child," Aslan spoke, halting Caspian in his tracks.
"Thank you," Ana said and the King whirled around.
Shock was evident on his face but he also appeared to be relieved. Ana laughed and rolled her eyes at his gobsmacked expression. She couldn't help it. There was also laughter in Aslan's eyes as he tried to speak.
"H-how? What? I-I don't understand," Caspian stuttered out. He reined in his surprise and quickly explained. "She was gone for only moments. But the others… They would be gone for years at a time. Yet Ana stands here as if no time has passed."
"That's because it hasn't," Aslan said. "As with the Pevensie children, hardly any time passes in the world they're from."
"I'm a Narnian and this is my home." Ana smiled as Caspian's shock finally wore off completely. "And I told you I'd be back before you knew it. I meant that quite literally…"
At her statement, Caspian was forced to smile. He let out a light laugh as he did so, finally understanding. Ana had no intention of being gone from Narnia long. And he was sure she had meant the rest of her statement literally too. He wasn't sure how long he would live without Ana to help him. She had saved his life more times than he could count. More than he'd ever be able to make up for. But that didn't stop him from trying.
There was a comfortable silence that stretched between the three. Then, without saying a word, Aslan walked away. They watched until He disappeared out of sight before looking back at each other. He had left them alone and suddenly, Ana felt very uncomfortable. Her gaze fluttered around before deciding her shoes were very interesting. She heard Caspian sigh and heard him approach. Still, she did not look up.
His hand touched her shoulder before moving under her chin. He gently forced her head up and she had no choice but to look at him. Ana tried to avoid it at first, but he was so close there was no place she could look besides his eyes. They were always so transparent and at that moment, he looked very vulnerable. Much like how Ana felt. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she was surprised Caspian couldn't hear it.
"Ana," he said softly.
Something about the way he said her name just then made Ana feel jittery. She tried to move away but he wouldn't let her. They were too close together and she didn't know how to handle it. If it wasn't such a serious moment, she would've been fine. But this… He rarely spoke in that tone of voice and never directly at her. This was both a serious and intimate moment. Ana didn't know how she felt about that.
"I-I have a confession to make," Caspian stated slowly as if he was unsure of himself. He let go of her and took a few steps back.
Ana released a breath she didn't realize she was holding. "What is it?" she inquired, voice shaking a little. What could be so serious as to make him this nervous? "Caspian… you can tell me anything."
"I may have been a bit dishonest with you…"
"With me? Caspian—" He cut her off by raising his hand slightly. She was very confused and concerned.
"I told you and everyone else that the reason I turned away potential suitors was because I wasn't interested. That I was too busy to worry about building a relationship with anyone, even if it was just meant to be a strategic one. But that's not exactly true."
Ana nodded in understanding. She knew where this was going. "You still had feelings for Susan. You were still a bit heartbroken."
"Yes… uh… I mean… N-no. N-not exactly." He looked away for a moment, seeming both flustered and confused. Ana was concerned. She had never seen him act this way before.
He steeled himself and his eyes found Ana's again. "Maybe that was it at first. Maybe it wasn't. I'm not exactly sure. But over the last few years, I've come to realize something. I realized I had fallen in love with someone else. All those suitors… I turned them away because…b-because they weren't you."
"What?" Ana stated, taken aback.
"Yes, I'll admit there was something with Susan. But it was brief and more of a crush than anything serious. If we had had more time, it might've been something.
"With you, things were—are—different. The more time I spent with you, the more I got to know you… the more I truly began to care for you. You are amazing. I don't think you realize just how special you are. You are the kindest and bravest person I've ever met. You always put others before yourself. You risk your life to protect those who can't defend themselves and you speak up for those who don't have a voice. You're beloved by the people and you love them equally in return. You're exactly the kind of person that Narnia needs as their Queen. Someone who cares more about their livelihoods than just some throne."
"Caspian… w-what are you saying?" He couldn't be saying what she thought he was. She had to be imagining all of this. It was simply a dream.
"It wasn't until you left that I realized what the true issue was… I couldn't marry any of those flaky women because I was in love with someone else. I've fallen in love with you."
Ana was beyond shocked. She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to respond. All she knew was that this couldn't be.
"Caspian, y-you can't love me," she stuttered, surprised at his admission.
"Why not?" he frowned.
"For several reasons. But the most important being: I am a child."
"Not to me. Not to the Narnians."
"Mentally, we both know I'm not a child. I can hold my own against your advisors, come up with battle plans, and strategize. I've seen my fair share of battles and fought in wars. I've witnessed things that no one ever should. I have my own battle scars—and I don't just mean physically. I'm both mentally and emotionally stronger than any child. But the fact remains that physically… I am still a child. And that's what most people will see."
"I don't care."
"But I do!" she protested. "I care what people think of you, what they will say. While it is commonplace for the Calormenes to have children as their wives, it is highly frowned upon in most other countries. Some of our allies will disapprove and our enemies will use it against you. They will say all kinds of things about you, spreading lies and rumors. I will not ruin your reputation or be the cause for discord amongst the people. While the Narnians would likely fully support it, very few can look past my physical appearance."
"Is there no way to break it? To end the curse of eternal youth? I would never ask you to give up your magic, but if your age is the only thing stopping you…" He trailed off, but his statement was clear. He wanted to know if she felt the same way.
"It doesn't matter," Ana answered, trying to shut the door before the floodgates opened. "There's no way to break it. I've spent years trying. I've even asked Aslan but He hasn't given me an answer."
"It does matter, Ana," he said sternly. "It matters to me." When she didn't answer, Caspian decided to spell it out for her. "Is our age difference the only thing preventing you from pursuing this? Or is there another reason?"
Ana looked away, tears welling in her eyes. She couldn't admit it. It's why she worked so hard to keep her distance, why she kept pushing him away. Why she couldn't let herself open up to him. She didn't want this to happen. Falling for him, she could handle. She could play it off and deal with the pain of seeing him with someone else. She was getting used to it. But if he told her that she loved him, she knew she could hardly resist the urge to run into his arms. It was all she wanted to hear. And Caspian had done just that.
Now it took everything in her to resist, to pull away.
"Ana?" he spoke. His voice was soft and full of concern. It wasn't until he reached out his hand that Ana realized she was crying. She wanted to push him off and run away. Get some distance between them. But everything in her told her to stay and she couldn't force herself to move.
"Please don't shut me out again," he begged. "Don't push me away. I need to know if you feel the same way as me. Or if this is just some foolish mistake and I've ruined everything. Please… Ana." His voice was so soft and desperate. She looked into his eyes and then broke down.
"I-I can't," she sobbed and finally managed to push past him. She began to pace, wearing a path into the smooth sand. "Do you know how much I've wanted to hear those words? To hear you tell me you loved me? But I fought so hard to convince myself it could never happen because nothing can. I knew I was starting to fall for you. But I also knew I would have to watch you fall in love with someone else. And it hurt to even think about it.
"So I did the only thing I could, the only thing I knew how to do. I'm used to not letting anyone get close to me, not letting others in. I've had my heart broken before and I didn't want to go through that again. So I pushed you away… Tried to keep as much space between us as possible. That way, when the time came, I could hide how horrible I felt and be happy for you. It's my duty to protect the Crown, not fall for the King. I thought if I could keep my distance, and shut you out, then maybe I could focus on my duty. And you could find someone who makes you happy, someone worthy of a King."
Ana finally stopped and turned to look at him. "But bugger it all if you didn't just go and ruin it. Of all the beautiful, eligible ladies you just had to fall in love with the one person you cannot be with. So it doesn't matter how I feel. What matters is what's right and what is not. And unfortunately for the both of us, I am not. Not for you, not for a King…"
Once she started, Ana realized she couldn't stop. The floodgates had opened. Words just tumbled out of her mouth. She had confessed things she never meant to. Said things she never even realized until that moment. But now they were out in the open and she couldn't take them back.
Caspian had been struck speechless by her admission and she wished he would say something. Anything. Anything to alleviate the silence that had fallen. They just silently stared at one another. One with tears in their blue eyes and the other wide-eyed in shock.
"That…" Caspian began, quietly. Almost to himself. "That explains so much." He looked at her, frowning slightly. "But… Ana, it seems you've convinced yourself that your age is not the only reason we cannot be together. That you're unworthy. I never saw you as a child. I was able to look past your physical appearance and fall in love with the amazing person you are. And if you're unworthy to be my Queen then who is? No one will care more for the people than you."
"No," Ana began to protest but stopped. Was that how she really felt? That she was unworthy of wearing a crown? "I-I just never believed it could be possible. It still isn't."
Caspian stepped closer, closing the distance between them again. He reached out to caress her cheek, wiping the tears from her eyes. Her lips parted a little at the action and he wanted to kiss them. But he resisted, knowing it would only upset her. He retracted his hand and Ana's eyes flashed to his. He could read the desperation in her eyes. The more he pushed, the more she would pull away.
"If… if you want this," Caspian spoke, "then I will do everything in my power to put an end to this. Whatever it takes. No matter how long. I don't care."
"Y-you would do that? For me?"
"I'd do anything for you… As I know you would for me."
"But it's not possible." Her voice was remorseful. She wanted to be free from the curse but didn't believe there was a way.
"There has to be. And I won't rest until I find one. I promise you." He took her hands and forced her to look at him. "And I also promise that I won't do anything until you are ready. I will love you from a distance if I have to, but I will not do anything you're uncomfortable with." She looked away and nodded. "Just say the words, Ana. And I will make it happen."
She took a deep breath, trying to calm her pounding heart. Then she looked him in the eyes. "I-I… I'm in love with you and I wish I could be with you."
He smiled and pulled away. "Then I will find a way. I promise."
Ana nodded, feeling a little more hopeful. She had spent years searching for a way to put an end to her immortality. The curse of being young forever. But she didn't want to lose her magic to do so. And she had never succeeded in finding anything. Now, Caspian was offering to help her in her search for answers.
"Let's head back to the crew," Caspian said, suddenly. "Once we return home, our search begins."
Ana nodded but didn't speak. There wasn't anything left to say. Caspian still held her hands and she let him guide her to their boat. He dropped their hands once they were next to it and her brows furrowed a little in confusion. Caspian sighed. Then he looked from the boat to her.
"You know… We really didn't think this through. It takes three people to row this boat," he stated with a small grin.
Ana rolled her eyes. "Are you suggesting… that I carry your royal backside back to the ship?" Caspian shrugged in response, causing Ana to sigh. "That's not what I normally use my magic for…"
Caspian laughed like a giddy schoolboy and Ana couldn't help but smile. It seemed like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders and she was glad he was happy. All she wanted was for him to be happy, regardless of her feelings for him. Now she knew she was the reason for his joyous mood and it made her heart soar.
So... um... this is why I said you may want to wait til the end to give me your thoughts on what comes next. This chapter had to be majorly rewritten. Not because this was unintended (I've been trying to hint at it throughout and most of you picked up on it) but because I had to change the whole HOW of it. I didn't like how I originally had all this happening. As a result, there may be an extra chapter (since I couldn't squeeze everything into this one) and updates may be delayed.
Normally I don't do this but...
To Queen Rebecca the Sweet: Based on my limited knowledge of Spanish, I believe the English equivalent you were looking for is "better late than never." The Spanish may not translate exactly to that but it's pretty close. At least, that's what I understood it to mean. :)
Also, can we take a moment to appreciate my "editor's" commentary for this chapter? (These are copied n pasted, y'all)
"You still had feelings for Susan. You were still a bit heartbroken." XD I'm giggling into my pillow rn XD
Caspian: *trying to confess his love for Ana*
Ana: *really concerned about Caspian because he seems like he's about to have a stroke* (This one had me cackling)
"All those suitors… I turned them away because…b-because they weren't you."
Me: *dies*
