In this second non-canon and humorous story, this time Ruby and Yang review and comment on another horrible and awful animated movie, Foodfight!, which was requested by their Team JNPR friends Pyrrha and Nora, but what Ruby and Yang didn't know, their experience on reviewing the Foodfight movie takes an unexpected temporarily turn at the end.
HAVEN ACADEMY
As Ruby and Yang return to their dorm room at the end of the day, the two were dazed with shock, starting a reference to Batman Returns. The sisters said, "Blake, Weiss, we're back."
"So, how was your day reviewing Foodfight?", asks Blake on her bed reading a book with Weiss reading with her, as Ruby and Yang don't answer, knocking over a lamp.
Weiss asks, "Girls? Is there something wrong?"
The two sisters go to the small kitchen of the dorm room, where Ruby puts her phone on the table as she and Yang go to the fridge to get bottles of water, as messages say while the two drank the water and spilling some as they drank the whole bottles;
"Hey, Ruby and Yang, it's Nora here. Heard you're gonna review Foodfight. Good luck to you two. I heard that the Nazis allegedly would've used it if they ran out of bullets."
"It's Pyrrha. Ruby, Yang, are you sure you're review Foodfight? It's probably one of the first animated movies to get a negative percentage on Rotten Tomatoes."
"A message from the Remnant Supermarket Corporation. We were hoping to indulge your hunger by holding a sale for the widest series of grocery products, Mr. Clean, Mrs. Butterworth, StarKist Tuna, and more are all on this sale this week. Remnant Supermarket Corporation. Brought to you by Foodfight, the newest animated film from Threshold Productions and Viva Pictures."
Hearing the last message in a nervous breakdown of PTSD, Ruby and Yang scream and threw the empty water bottles at the phone as Blake and Weiss watch in shock. The two sisters then pick Ruby's phone up and suddenly smashes it stressfully, causing Blake and Weiss to gasp. The two sisters also grab the DVD case of Foodfight with the disc in it, putting it on the sink as Yang helps by using her gauntlets to punch it open and shatter it in a million pieces, using the garbage disposal to destroy it more.
Then the two get products like StarKist Tuna, Mr. Clean, Mrs. Buttersworth, Vlasic, Hawaiian Punch, Twinkies and Mr. Bubble, and in the dorm room bathroom, the two girls drop and scramble the products on the ground, opening the jar of Vlasic and spilling the pickles and juice on the products while Blake and Weiss continue watching this, worried. Ruby and Yang grabs pans afterwards, and the two starts to smack and destroy the products with the pans, crying agonizingly as the two also ate the Twinkies vigorously, slamming the products some more after before they slipped on the pickle juice in the mess, the two embracing as they lied on the ground with the destroyed products, crying and sobbing while their two team member friends Blake and Weiss came over, comforting and taking care of the saddened Ruby and Yang, ending the reference of Batman Returns...
Two Hours Earlier
"Okay, Blake and Weiss. I hope you two have a fantastic afternoon cuddling while reading. Me and Yang are gonna go to the library to go meet with Pyrrha and Nora.", Ruby said to the two. "I just got messages about me and my sister's next recommend movie to review, Foodfight."
Blake answers, "Okay. I'll see you two later.", before the two friendly sisters left the dorm room.
At the library, Ruby and Yang ask Pyrrha and Nora about the messages, "What the heck is Foodfight? And why does everyone want us to review it?"
"Well, according to our research, Foodfight is one of the worst, if not the worst, animated movie of all time?", analyzed Pyrrha.
Yang questions to her friend, "Like worse worse?"
"It only came out a few years ago, but it seems to be growing an underground following at a surprisingly rapid rate.", Nora supports.
Pyrrha added, "If our data serves correctly, this flop could be as popular as The Room and Birdemic combined. It could easily be the next big thing."
"Only a few only critics have reviewed it so far, which means it's potential can still be milked like a lactating Clarabelle Cow.", Nora looks at the status update online.
Ruby wonders, "Wait a minute. So you two are saying that if us two jump aboard the bandwagon before it even becomes a bandwagon, could we be one of the frontrunners of the backwagon?"
"Potentially.", answers Pyrrha.
Then Ruby and Yang wink and thumbs up, picturing themselves on the $100 bill of the United Kingdoms of Remnant, before the latter sister responds, "Well, if you'll excuse me and my little sis, we'll be at the centre of one of the most popular bad animated films of all time."
"We wouldn't be too hopeful, Ruby and Yang. A person tried to kill himself after reviewing that movie in this academy.", Nora and Pyrrha mention.
Ruby scoffs, "Ah, whatever. We're sure he's fine. Keep checking the numbers. It's the least you can do to indulge the brilliant, intellectual minds I've decided to write for you all of a sudden. Us two will be in the lecture room. We'll be back to tell you about the movie after."
"Okay. See ya.", Pyrrha waves bye as the two sisters leave the library of Beacon.
Ruby and Yang's Commentary on Foodfight! (Part 1)
Then, entering the empty lecture room, Ruby and Yang sit down in their commentary chairs by the front desk and with the Foodfight movie ready at the room's DVD player, starting off with Ruby, "Well, it's a little hard to talk about this piece of shit without addressing it's background."
"The film was supposed to be sort of the Toy Story and Wreck-It-Ralph of food icons, combining characters often seen in grocery areas. It was supposed to come out in 2002 or 2003, but due to production problems, copyright issues, and even someone stealing the footage-", Yang mentions.
Ruby asks, "Wait? Somebody wanted to steal this? Because the film was tinkered, altered and pushed back to ten years later. But thank God ten years doesn't make a difference to such Hollywood giants like Hillary Duff, Chris Kattan, Eva Longoria and 24/7 dodger of controversy, Charlie Sheen. I'm sure all these people will be just as big in 2012 or 2013 as they were in 2002 or 2003."
"There's even reports that apparently $65,000,000 into making this stinker. $65,000,000?", shocked Yang.
Ruby explained, "Well, maybe it'd be like Waterworld, where at the very least, the size and scale of the production can be impressive. So anyway, let's find out by taking a look at Foodfight!"
Foodfight!
"$65,000,000, folks! Clearly the money is on the screen. By god, look at this! How could that amount of money go into something that shitty looking?! Was...was somebody actually deranged enough to team up Ume Bowl and Tommy Wiseau as the film's budget accountants? The money laudering from this must be a loophole black hole!", Yang complained, after showing a part in the opening scene. "So we see his store closing for the night called Marketopolis Market..."
Ruby continues when the next scene shows the store closing and then turning into a grand marketopolis, "...when the real world wakes up inside. Redundant much redundant? I'm not exactly sure how this works, if the store actually transforms at night or Marketopolis is a state of being, but this world exists and can only be described as what your nightmares would look like if they never rendered properly."
"And at the foreground at this world is Charlie Sheen's character, Dex Dogtective.", Yang said, the next part of the scene showing Dex fighting four ugly-looking hamsters.
Ruby points out, "And we know what you're thinking, 'Boy, have the Ratchet and Clank games really gone downhill.' But actually, it's just Dex saving a bunch of kittens from a villain that, like in most bad movies, won't connect to anything else in the plot.", continuing this part of the scene when Dex confronts a thief villain named Fat Cat, which is actually a rat.
"Wait a minute. What was that character's name?", Yang asks.
Ruby then told, "Okay, first of all, Disney, sue something! Second, is the movie actually so stupid that it can't tell the difference between a rat and a cat?! I mean, look at this thing! It's so fucking obviously a rat! $65,000,000 and they can't tell the difference between a rat and a cat?!"
"Isn't it kind of a no-brainer that you don't give 65 million to a person who would fail a Fisher-Price Barnyard Animals game?", Yang asks her sister in support, before the two see Neptune and his boyfriend Sun playing the Fisher-Price game.
The Spin N' Say landing on the cat, as Neptune answers, "Squeak, squeak?"
"Give them all the money! Clearly we're dealing with artistic genius here!", spoke Ruby and Yang in a Russian-German accent.
Sun apologizes, "What? It's actually meow, Neptune."
"Give them an extra grand for that.", Yang adds.
Ruby then continues, "So the kittens are saved by McGruff the Crap Dog, for the record, we were considering more like Indiana Bones, and he heads over to, what else, his sassy black sidekick."
"That's Wayne Brady as this...frightening combination of teeth and fever dreams, who gets excited that Dex is going to ask his sweetheart to marry him. Who's his sweetheart?", Yang presumes, before the two girls saw the love interest of Dex in the movie, who the girls were shocked. "What the fuck is that?!"
Ruby also says, "That...scariness is apparently Sunshine Goodness, played by Hillary Duff, a cat mascot for raisins created by a designer who clearly has to ask himself more questions about his sexuality.", the next scene showing Dex and Sunshine.
"And yes, I too, realize she looks more like a human and practically nothing like a cat.", Yang agrees. "Are cats hard to draw, though? Did a cat snub you, director, at a party so you refuse to portray them on any form of film?"
Ruby answers to her sister and continued, "Uh, probably? The director was snubbed for sure. The idea of them getting married gets Daredevil Dan so touched he cries pellets, or walnuts.", the scene showing Daredevil Dan crying pellets or walnuts of joy.
"I don't know about that... But Sunshine has to head out before Dex can pop the question.", summarized Yang, the next part of the scene showing Sunshine leaving happily for a bit so she might return for Dex.
Ruby watches this and says, "Okay, Sunshine, I'm just gonna put this on you.", before placing a KIDNAP ME! sticky note on Sunshine during the scene. "We all know that's pretty much what you're saying."
"Sure enough, she does disappear and six months later, Dex gives up the dogtective business and decides to open up a club called the Copabanana. While that's going on, a salesperson, played by Christopher Lloyd, comes in and- WHAT THE HELL ARE WE LOOKING AT?!", shocks Yang, with Ruby scared at the last part with the saleperson known as Mr. Clipboard, showing a scene of him talking to the store manager.
Ruby explains, "Okay, this went from "Submitting a stick figure to an art museum" embarassing to "Shitting your pants in front of Pixar, claiming it's your magnum opus" embarrassing, thought we'll see how Cars 3 turns out, but what the fuck's going on here?!", before the movie shows more scenes of Mr. Clipboard during this part of the movie.
"Was it really somebody's dream to give a personality to Mask No.5 from The Dark Knight? W-would you trust a guy if he was selling something and looked and acted like this?", Yang complained.
Her sister Ruby shudders, "That would be extremely weird. So the grocery store owner, of course, agrees to such a puppy-dog-looking man, and Brand X begins to be brought into the store. Back in Sax and Max hit the sauce, we see Dex makes his way to Casa de Cameo, which is the hangout for big name icons like Mr. Clean, Charlie the Tuna, and the California Raisins. The funny thing is, the people who obviously said no, to using their product icons in the movie all have really ugly, really bitter substitutes, that we guess are trying to stick it back to the people who denied the use of their image. Like this character is their version of Chiquita Banana.", showing the next scene with Casa de Cameo and the uglier version portrayal of Chiquita Banana in Foodfight.
"And these other scenes is obviously supposed to be the Keebler Twins, the Brawny Man, and gee, a chocolate cereal vampire? We wonder who that's supposed to be.", Yang mentions the other big name icons throughout the movie.
Ruby guessed, "Count Chocula. Most of them are portrayed as either stupid, ugly, or not very helpful. It's kinda like the movie's kind of saying "Oh, yeah, you missed out, guys! You too, could have been in a movie where farting is the highlight and people trip into other people's butts!" I think we know who the losers are in this deal!"
"Oh, definitely give them an extra credit for that.", Yang agrees with her. "And we guess the representative of Brand X in this world is Lady X, a supposedly sexy seductress with the dead lifeless eyes of a plastic blow-up doll and a personality just as interesting to match.", showing a scene with Dex and Lady X.
Ruby also says, "Oh yeah, we forgot to mention. Every scene that has Dex in it has to end in a bad pun. And we know what you're thinking, "Oh, Ruby and Yang, you said that about everything!" But no! Literally, every scene ends in a bad pun!", complaining this as several scenes have examples with Dex saying bad puns at the end of his sentences.
"Some of them don't make a lick of sense! The only thing more demeaning than that is all the sexual innuendos. Oh, yeah! There's a ton of those in there, too!", Yang supports, more quotes having innuendos in this awful movie.
Ruby continued, "Because a movie like this clearly needs that adult edge for the audience they're obviously going for. Like there's some grown-ups, somewhere watching this movie with their kids, saying, "Hmm, well, I was gonna turn this off and not expose my child to such a piece of shit, but then it acknowledged that I'm a pervert in a way my kid won't understand. This movie gets us." The innuendos are so many and so strange , you have to wonder if the director had some sort of sexual agenda on his mind-", before she and her sister Yang watch another innuendo scene, "THIS IS A FETISH FILM! Between the innuendos, the cat lady, and the fact that every outfit this woman wears even a dominatrix would say is too silly, fetish film!", before she stamps the last two words on the screen with Ruby and Yang.
"By the way, plaid gloves? Really? This design is so weird, it created the illusion that her hands are on backwards. On top of that, it looks like her arm is melting into Al Borland's shirt. Is this actually a popular thing and we just never noticed that?", questioned and said Yang, the next scene showing Dex and another character Maximillus.
Her sister Ruby again summarized the next scene, "So Dex starts to notice something along with stereotype #20 here, that being that Lady X is starting to rub out the other characters.", this scene then showing Mr. Clean a bit, before focusing on Dex and the other characters. "Really? Mr. Clean showed up just for that one joke? He wasn't even around for the rest of the scene! And suddenly, he appears when this fox character there says the word bald."
"And now he's just stuck there. Look at him! He's just standing around like, "Uh, is there anything else you wanted me to do? Was I really just a pawn in your lame-ass little punch line? I have a Ph.D in Physics! Perhaps I can educate the young children watching about fluid or solid mechanics or, or I'll just look over here. Yeah, I'm show I'll show up when you make another boob joke. Shouldn't take long." Am I right, sis?", explained the blonde sister.
Ruby nods, "Right. So Dex decides it's time to get some answers from the streets.", before the two sisters see this next scene when suddenly, a long animal head and neck snakes from the bottom of Dex's body and talks, as both sisters respond, "Oh my god, his dick's talking! His dick's talking! That's it! Game over, man! GAME OVE-", before the sisters realize the long animal neck was actually a slick and poorly-animated weasel named Cheasel T. Weasel.
"Tell me you wouldn't be shocked if he went that direction.", arguably said Yang, the next part of the scene with Cheasel talking to Dex slickly. "Yeah, something else you'll notice is the motion-capture arm acting. I guess because the expressions in this movie are...non-existent, all the acting comes through how much the characters awkwardly wave their arms. It's like watching C-3PO having a seizure! But even he somehow would have more expression on his face than these guys!", she says, before an earlier scene with the fox character waving his arms, Yang does a C-3PO impression by moving his arms, "R2-D2, where are you?", Ruby watching this curiously.
Ruby asked, "Uh, what are you doing, sis?"
"It's just a funny joke!", answered her blonde sister, continuing to moving her arms like C-3PO for a bit.
Nevertheless, the black-red girl continued, "So Dex and Dan go and get some answers from, you won't believe this, another scary demon from Hell!", the next scene showing an ugly character named Dr. Nustrix, with a Johnny Test-like voice. Both sisters were shocked to this scene and comment, "GOD!", before they slowly covered their eyes, "We're just gonna close our eyes and pray it goes away...", several parts of this scene showing the most cringiest moments of Dr. Nustrix, before the two sisters uncovered their eyes from the scene, saying, "No. It only got worse.", and were also disgusted at the next moment of the scene showing Dr. Nustrix sneezing with his giant nose and releasing a ton of boogery mucus.
"Well, at least they're not pulling the ultimate insult by giving him a stereotypical Johnny Test accent.", referenced Yang, more moments of this scene showing Dr. Nustrix. The two sisters were unsatisfied by this as the blonde girl continued, "Are there any other groups you'd like to insult? I mean, the human race is so vast andfull of variety, I'm sure you can find the blackface of every single person on the planet! In fact, why even focus on a group? Why not just show us ugliness? In any shape or form! You're good at THAT!", arguing this before she unleashes a few flames while her lilac eyes turned red in anger.
Ruby comforts her sister, "Okay, okay, don't get too carried away...", calming Yang down as she thanked her compassionately, before commenting as the two sisters watched the next scene with Dex and Dan in the grocery store during daytime, "Don't even give a reason. Just use it in this scene where they now physically exist in the store, again adding no continuity to how the fuck this world works, and just throw in whatever terrible, ungodly thing comes out of your head-", before this scene shows a horrifyingly ugly face of a mother grocery shopper, scaring the two sisters to the point where they scream.
"WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAAAAAAAAT!?", Ruby and Yang both scream to the ugly mother's face in that scene. "Oh my god! We get it! We totally get it now! This movie is punishment for us to repent all the terrible things we've done in our lives! All right! If it will stop you from scaring the living animals out of us, even though we've never do the following we're about to say to you, we'll confess! WE'LL CONFESS!", they both yelled in horror, before Ruby and Yang took turns of making incorrect, false and inadvertently excuses;
"I was the one who cancelled Firefly!"
"I was the one who encouraged Fred to be an online series!"
"I was the one who told Taco Bell to make a breakfast menu!"
"I was the one who told John Travolta how to pronounce Idina Menzel!"
"I was the one who getting rid of the cartoons on Cartoon Network!"
Both Ruby and Yang scream and plead, "JUST TAKE US OUT OF THIS SCENE!", before the scene shows Dex and Dan escaping from the part of the grocery store. The two relax a bit afterwards.
"Okay. Those excuses we just said were NOT true. We think we need a break for a bit.", Ruby pants. "Watch some commercials..."
Yang also said, "Or maybe read a few fanfics...", before she and Ruby alert, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't make a movie out of either of them!", before the two sisters embraced each other in comfort.
To be continued AND concluded...
