In this fourth non-canon story, team RWBY watches and reviews on M. Night Shyamalan's movie Lady in the Water, which maybe the FUNNIEST Shyamalan movie they've ever seen, with some criticisms made about the movie along the way. There is no situation in this fourth story arc, so it's okay, having to do with RWBY's reactions and comments on this one.
Update: Added a few new parts with Robyn Hill included in this story.
RWBY's Commentary on Lady in the Water (Part 1)
BEACON ACADEMY
Team RWBY were hanging out with their friends Pyrrha, Nora and Penny when playing a game of Poker, who are making bets of what movie RWBY would watch.
"Nothing like a great fair game of poker.", Penny sighs happily.
Ruby and Yang agrees, "So far, so good. You have a four-of-a-kind, again, Penny. Surprised that your luck has been treating us well today."
"Thank you, friend.", the robotic girl said.
Nora congratulated, "Not just that, but Pyrrha has won the most games of Poker today with three wins."
"Oh, it's nothing. Probably luck is definitely treating us well.", Pyrrha said, gethering her chips.
Penny presumes, "I presume we should now make a bet on what movie we should all watch today? The next one who wins, we all watch the chosen suggested movie."
"What were you thinking?", asked Pyrrha.
Blake and Weiss both ask, "Actually we have one. I bet we can watch the movie Frozen together. Been a while since we've seen it.", placing bets by giving away a few of their chips.
"Oooooooohhhhhhhh!", excited Nora and Penny, liking this idea as they grab some chips.
Pyrrha bets, "That sounds pretty nice. If I win this game of Poker, how about we watch Ant-Man? After all, it's one of the good Marvel Cinematic Universe movies besides Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy.", giving away a few chips.
"Ooooooh-ooooooh-oooooooooooh!", Nora and Penny seem to like this suggestion as well.
Ruby says, "Indeed, it was actually pretty awesome seeing how they brought shrinking films back to Hollywood filmmaking."
"Well, fair's fair. How about you guys, Nora and Penny? What are you guys suggesting?", Yang asked.
Nora stated, "What if, after we both win, we could watch The LEGO Movie? It looks to be one of the best animated films of the decade and of all time, which it still is.", placing bets by giving away a few chips.
"And it's sad that it didn't get nominated for Best Animated Feature!", mentioned Penny.
Team RWBY saddens, "I feel very bad for them, but after all, it does sound like an amazing movie to watch-"
"Say..."
Ruby, Yang, Blake, Weiss, Pyrrha, Nora and Penny then turn to see who it was.
Robyn Hill.
"Mind if...I play?", Robyn said, shuffling her cards.
All of them said, "Robyn Hill?"
"THE Robyn Hill? Didn't know you came.", Ruby said, surprised.
Yang asked, "We were just playing some Poker. Well, how could we say no?"
"We were also suggesting on which movie we should all watch, and the winner gets to show their chosen suggested movie.", Blake and Weiss told.
"Interesting. In fact, I do have a movie I can suggest for us to watch today. Recently seen it. Not bad or good, but I do believe the director's films were pretty good despite it's incoherent stories that consider it as uncanny brilliance.", the Atlas graduate said, "It's something called Lady in the Water."
Pyrrha, Nora and Penny ask, "What's it about?"
"Yeah, what is this uncanny brilliance about?", team RWBY asked.
Robyn explains, "Okay. The main character is named Story..."
"Out.", firmly said team RWBY.
Pyrrha apologizes, "Not happening."
"...she's an ancient creature called a Narf...", Hill continues.
Penny cringed sardonically, "You must be joking..."
"...and she's being chased by Scrunts, but saved by Tartutics...", describes Robyn.
Nora honestly said, "You must've heard some phony-baloney down the line, right?"
"...so yeah, it's basically a fantasy film. May sound weird, but it's worth a try for a suggestion. Where's the fun in that?", reasoned the Atlas graduate, "If I win this game, we'll watch Lady in the Water. It's not that bad, isn't it?"
Ruby and Pyrrha told her, "We could say it's bad, but what are the odds of you winning-"
"I've got a royal flush.", Robyn told them, holding out a deck of five cards consisting of a royal flush, instantaneously winning the game.
All of them but Robyn sigh in surprise, with Ruby saying, "You win."
Hill nodded, "I could say that was an absolute win. Not to brag about it.", not bragging.
Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss return to their dorm room after watching Lady in the Water and plan to review it in their dorm room, as the team had already considered of watching and reviewing on it.
Ruby holds out the DVD at the time she and her three friends sat on their commentary chairs and said, "Let's get this movie started!", excited with her other fellow RWBY members.
Lady in the Water
Ruby comments, "While many see The Happening as Shyamalan's funniest So-Bad-It's-Good film, we challenge them to the absolute mad ratings of Lady in the Water. Sure, it's slow and doesn't have quite as many silly performances, but the story is so insane, so ego-stroking, so frigging bizarre that if a well-known filmmaker's name wasn't attached to it, you swear it was written on the walls of a mental institution!"
"There's so much to talk about, so let's not waste any time. Let's start off another review with my favorite bad Shyamalan movie of his, Lady in the Water.", started Yang.
Blake explains, "It starts off with a backwash- We mean, backstory of this seemingly simple fable.", the movie starting with the narrator about the ancient relationship between man and people in the water, which has a little nonsensual meanings into it, like how men didn't listen well. She says to the narrator in the movie, "You just said they did.", the next part of the narrator saying about man's need to own everything led into land, the world of man became violent and war upon war, there wasn't any guides.
"Well, if they're so good at guiding people, how did they let this happen to begin with?", corrected and asked Weiss, the next narration shows a handful of chosen ones sent, but there were laws to keep the chosen safe, but they were at great risk.
Ruby asks questioningly, "But, wait, if there's laws to keep them safe, why would there be a great risk? Well sometimes men take matters into their own hands, but that's not what they said, they said they were safe, but now they're at great risk, so they shouldn't be in any danger, should they?", before she sarcastically says, "Why don't they just end with how every humanity sucks story ends saying how man has forgotten how to listen?", as the movie shows the next part of the opening as the narrator says the last five words but with had instead of has.
"Show us the way, movie. We know you have it even though in the first two minutes, you already have TONS AND TONS OF PROBLEMS, but we have faith in you.", Yang says faithfully with hope.
Blake synopsizes the next scene after the opening, "We then cut to Paul Giamatti.", the scene showing Paul's character talking about a strange creature. "...A creature is just something you can't identify...like the tone of this movie."
"A new tenant seems to be staying at The Cove, an apartment complex Giamatti works at, and he's a movie critic named Mr. Farber.", Weiss described, the four girls reacting in shock as they saw a girl's sexy ass in the movie during the scene where Paul's character shows Mr. Farber one of the girls in the movie, Young-Soon Choi, the heiress presumes, "Buenos di-ass...?"
Ruby continued, "Hell, if Shyamalan would be nice enough, maybe he'll cut to a shot that actually shows her face. Nope? Well, at least he held on a shot for a while. That automatically equals genius, you know. But not as genius as talking directly into the camera, another typical Shyamalan trope.", the scene showing one of the characters talking in front of the camera strangely.
"It's fascinating how greedy one can get with their artsiness. In most movies, these kind of shots are used sparingly, to establish mood. But with Shyamalan, he uses it like how the director of Battlefield Earth (that movie will be reviewed in the future) uses tilted shots. Weird angles sometimes, weird angles always! They're brilliant, they're brilliant, they're doing the brilliant dance!", Yang jokes to Ruby, Blake and Weiss, causing their friends to laugh.
Blake and Weiss finishes laughing with her other friends, "But who cares, it's time to figure out what stupid quirk this guy has! Because as always, any quirk, no matter how stupid, always equals a developed character.", before saying, "We believe the both of us are hungry, so we'll go get something to snack on with a drink to wash it down.", the two lovebirds leaving to go to the kitchen to get the snack. They added before they went, talking towards the camera, "Remember, it doesn't need to make sense, you just have to say that director has a style, and therefore it's good. That's the law.", going off.
"That's a well-composed shot there...", said Ruby, watching the next scene with Yang for this camera angle, "That looks effortlessly done, like there was no effort put into it whatsoever. It's almost as good as this other one of Giamatti ending his day and the camera slowly titling up to reveal...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"
"You know, something visually interesting there might've been nice. Was even the moon like, Aw hell no, I'm not being in this shit, obviously.", recommended Yang.
When Blake and Weiss came back with their snacks like chips, chocolate and cookies, the four suddenly saw the scene where something splashed in the pool, before Blake and Weiss could sit down as the two said, "Mermando? From Gravity Falls?", dropping their snacks without spilling anything, before the two girls grab the snacks and ate some a bit.
"No, but trust us, it was something just as equally ridiculous.", said Ruby, "He goes out to the pool to inspect, when...", before the next part in the movie shows something in the water. "...he was underwater? Now he's not. Now he's back underwater, now he's not. Now he's out of the water, he slips, he goes back in the water, tries to get out, says nah, and he's suddenly in his room."
"Well, that was as easy to follow as a moth in a snowstorm.", Yang mentions. "There does, however seems to be a wet naked woman in his room. Oh, not this again. Well, at least this one's alive.", she groans.
Blake comments after a portion of the scene with Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard's characters, sighs, "Is that like a happening? Because at some point of time later, we'll watch and review on it. Not soon, not later, but at some point. Why don't you just replace all your dialogue with do you feel an inginging? Because that alternative isn't interesting at all!", this part of the movie revealing Bryce's character's name is Story.
"Oh, yes, you heard that correctly- It's that kind of movie. She would be like, I have two siblings, an older sister named Long Story, and a younger sister named Short Story. I have a very honest mother we named True Story, an aging father named Old Story, a dead grandfather named Ghost Story, and for some reason all of them remind me of my two pets Cock and Bull Story. What we're trying to say is, that name is stupid.", Weiss said.
Ruby continued, "So he gives her a shirt, turning her into a cover story, and sleeps the night away holding her in his arms. Because this...really wasn't creepy enough yet...", before sighing romantically, "I do ship them however, since those two actors are billed in the poster, and the poster...looks kinda...bravely uncomfortable...and okay maybe?", before the four resume seeing this part, Story telling Paul's character that she's a narf.
"Ooh, didn't catch that? Yeah, you did. The name of her species is Narf. And not only that, they say this word all the time like it's a totally common name.", Yang complains, showing random scenes in the movie where characters said the species narf. "What, was Blaf already taken, or Pwonk? We would be like, Look out, we have to save the Nyeh-nyeh-nyehs! They're on the run from the Carblonketyblonks! Bitch, are you for real?", she said after this.
Blake and Weiss anyway says, "He tries to carry her outside but sees a wolf waiting in the distance. I believe the wolf be like, I serve the nothing...which apparently this film has an abundance of... We would be shocked if the wolf would serve in the White Fang."
All of a sudden, this scene shows Paul's character carrying Story, the two screaming for some reason, Weiss asking, "What-what? What's going on? Wh-", Story points her finger towards the pool whilst she screams in that scene.
"AH- ...POOL! POOL! POOL! POOL!", yelled team RWBY and joked to this scene, this short intense scene showing both characters screaming and running back to the house before the wolf catches them, the four girls jokingly screaming.
Ruby relieves from laughing, "Ahh, oh my god, how can you not burst out into laughter watching that scene? W-what can you even say about it? It looks like he's carrying an anorexic Julia Roberts to their honeymoon suite while she wants the pool to pull her finger just before Steroid Chia Pet eats them alive! What is this? I ju- What is this?!"
"So he decides to ask someone who would obviously know all about mythical creatures...Rufio!", Yang summarized the next scene with one supporting character and Paul's character. "I'm sure you've come across them from your adventures in Neverland."
Blake agrees during this scene, "Uh-huh, yeah. We wouldn't insult Eastern storytelling like that. I think the correct answer is 'Oh! That sounds like a word from the same idiot who came up with Cypher Raige!' Very common Eastern name."
"But her mother knows all about it, what are the odds, and she says the narf- Sorry, that's gonna take some getting used to- Has to meet the chosen one so that she can inspire him.", Weiss says about the next scene, where the mother explains about the giant eagle.
Ruby commented, "They, of course cut out the scene where she ate five pot brownies before saying this, but you get the idea.", continuing the story, "So Giamatti looks for this chosen one who Story says is a writer. Though, again, you could replace all the dialogue with What's your quirk?", showing several parts of the movie with people in the apartment saying their quirks.
"Heck, you can't do stoners right, that's not how a stoner screams, that's...one of the Rice Krispies elves watching another one die!", references Yang. "But no offence, though."
Blake continues, "Of course, Giamatti is so focused on finding a writer that he completely overlooks the person he's known for years that is a writer. But Story has been eavesdropping in his diary to learn about his past.", the next scene showing Story with Paul's character's book, telling him his story interestedly.
"Brilliant deduction here, Nancy Drew. Any other obvious dots you'd like to connect? She would say, When I hit my head, that's when my head hurts. When my butt farts, that's when the air smells bad. When I run in my heels people will focus more on that rather than how dumb the rest of the movie is! Like Jurassic World, for example. Why don't you get suited up in your proper uniform?", says and explained Weiss.
Ruby answers to the heiress, "Okay, first one, good. Second, gross yet a bit funny. And the last one, nice reference to Jurassic World.", before resuming the review, "But Giamatti introduces the writer to her, and...take a wild guess who plays him.", the four watching the next part of the scene, where Paul's character introduces Story to another character writer, who is the director for this film, Shyamalan.
"That's right, the writer who really has lost his muse, Mr. M. Night Shyamalan.", surprises Yang. "Yeah, take a good look there, Shyamalan. That's the closest of the story you'll ever get.", some snippets of the film showing one with the critic, and the same scene with Shyamalan.
Blake then says, "So he's inspired to go write Devil, the last movie review we did earlier, as Giamatti tries to get Story back home but the grass hyena is still out there.", the next scene showing the grass hyena attacking as Paul's character and Story try to run up the stairs. "Giamatti would be like, We're okay now, thank God he can't climb up the stairs. Am I right, my lovely Weiss?"
"Right, Blake. So he tries to get more information from the Korean peacock, who seems totally fine interrupting her clubbing to talk fairy tales.", the next scene with Paul's character calling his friend, who explains more about this fantasy mystery and even mentions tartutics.
Ruby breaks into laughter, "Oh my God, scrunts, narfs, tartutics- These all sound like cartoon characters sneezing! Just look at Giamatti's face after hearing all this! He's like, Well, I'm in a bomb. As in box office and critical response bombs! This all reads like a drunk mother reading a half-assed bedtime story to her kid! Can't imagine that though.", before she, Yang, Blake and Weiss says after, "Time for a break. We gotta get our lunch so we can continue this.", before the four leave for lunchtime break.
To be continued...
