RWBY's Commentary of Eragon (Part 2 - Final)
"So Eragon journeys to rescue the princess, and... Oh, Christ. Even their castles are boring! Who designed that place, the guy who made DieHard batteries?!", Ruby started once the six of them come back after their bathroom break, as the scene shows Eragon and Brom sneaking into Durza's castle to rescue Arya by disgusing themselves as Ra'zac members, "He sneaks in by wearing a robe so he can blend in with...whatever the hell those were...worldbuilding, we guess...as he makes it to her cell, but is stopped by Durza."
Yang continued, "Durza in this part could add, 'I mean, Heath Ledger from A Knight's Tale could kick your ass.', just saying.", as they saw Eragon battling Durza by blocking the latter's magic to the point where the villain says 'how quiant', "Wow! Somebody actually gave a writer a paycheck to have their evil villain say 'how quaint'! They even gave him a close-up on that line, they were so impressed by it. Come on! We had plenty of lines like 'You should have killed me while you had the chance', or 'You and I are not so different', or 'Mwehehehe', they can go the extra mile on those!"
"But Brom sacrifices himself for Eragon...don't worry, he was more than happy to do so...Arya is also rescued and Saphira comes in to save them. They decide to go the group that could use Eragon and his dragon for good, but not before Brom says his last words.", described Blake, "Plus, Brom should also put in this part, 'You know, before you...techincally took it away from me. It's a complicated game.'", as Brom said in the movie 'one part brave, three parts fool', "And also, 'Ha-ha, my last words are calling you an idiot.'"
Weiss continues the story, "So they bury Brom on top of the mountain.", as the girls saw Saphira spread her wings after Eragon and Arya burying him in a pile of stones and crystallizing them in the tune of Patrick Doyle's music, "Oh, why? No monologue explaining why you're standing on two legs? No long-winded bullshit explaining what we already know? Come on! We can still have her blurting out the obvious! Even Saphira should be like, 'A hero has died. I am sad. Water is wet. Dirt is brown. My paycheck is plentiful.'"
"But it turns out someone's been following them: a young rebel named Murtagh.", the leader of team RWBY and her sister said, as Murtagh in the movie (played by Garrett Hedlund) was rejected by Eragon to be his companion, "Why would you turn him away? It looks like he helped you back at the castle. Hell, he's been following you without a dragon and somehow kept up! You have an injured princess with you and just lost a rider. There is literally no reason not to use him!"
The Faunus and the Schnee girl both notice, "Oh, ah, ah! That must be the 'young, possibly untrustworthy rogue trying to gain trust'. Except...there's nothing untrustworthy about him! Oh, wait. He's revealed to be the son of a traitor.", as they watch the scene where Eragon and Murtagh reach the Varden, where Ajihad (played by Djimon Hounsou) introduces himself, but orders his men to seize Murtagh, "Sorry! The script got these two pages backwards! Oh, this is the order it was meant to be in? In that case, you're dumb."
"Nor explain who he is. Who are we talking about? He's a traitor. Okay, like...he killed an entire army or took your turn at Call of Duty? What amount of judgment do we give to this?", argued Ruby before resuming, "Saphira and Arya arrive at the Varden and settle in, but things like emotional connections aren't important. We have to get to... Um, let's see... Ah, here we go! The bad guy giving his threatening speech to...", as the girls saw Durza, injured after his first battle against Eragon with his face pale and lips bloodied, "Oh, my God, what happened here?!"
Yang cutified, "Aww, little Durza put on mommy's makeup all by himself!", the girls giggling, "I bet the Ra'zac army are like when Durza makes his villainous speech before battle and mutters to himself 'the boy is mine', 'What was that?' 'Didn't hear.' 'You shouldn't whisper when you want a canyon full of men to hear you!' 'Eh, I was hyped, now I'm just trying to figure out what he said.' 'Butt toys are fine...?'"
"The evil armies do attack, and Eragon gets ready to fight.", Blake detailed as the girls then saw Eragon and Saphira wearing armor to get ready for battle, "Okay, not gonna lie. Dragon armor looks goddamn ridiculous.", and also said during a moment between Eragon and Saphira, "As you're talking, there's literally people being slaughtered. You really picked the wrong times not to fight!"
Weiss carries on, "But they make their way down to Helm's Deep Shit and try to fight off the armies.", while they saw Murtagh's prison cage breaking when one of the Ra'zac attacks him, causing the viewers to laugh, "Boy, give that guy some credit. He's on fire, and he's still doing his job.", as Murtagh in the movie manages to defeat the Ra'zac and is able to fight.
"Murtagh can say, 'I will atone for whatever my father did!'; Arya should too say, 'And I will rule my kingdom, or whatever it is I want to do!'; and Eragon should say as well, 'And I will something-something-something dragon! Our motivations are clear!'", humorously said the Team RWBY leader, making them all laugh once again, "But ugly Loki arrives, and Eragon tries to finish him off.", and they saw Eragon finally defeat Durza with the former saying to the latter he expected more, as she replied, "Oh, oh! Durza can also say before dying, 'Oh! Much like your sword, that joke was full of iron. Good night, folks!'"
Ruby's sister finishes the climax of the movie, "Saphira is having trouble, though, so Eragon tries to use his magic to save her but he loses consciousness. Sadly, though, it looks like there's bad news the next day.", as Murtagh tells Eragon that friends can't be replaced as Saphira arrives well again, while the former comments some friends don't have to be, "What a dick, as if he was like, 'Yeah, that's what you get for not stopping them from imprisoning me, asshole!'"
"So... What did we accomplish? An army fought, a princess saved, a dragon born, and yet, I really don't know what this all was supposed to amount to. What arcs were supposed to have taken place here that I haven't seen done better in a million other unique fantasies?", the Faunus and the Schnee asked, "Will...Arya at least bake him a cake like in Super Mario 64?", as they saw the ending with Eragon meeting with Arya as the latter asks him the stories the Varden people tell about him as well as the saying that time moves quickly, "Arya can add, 'Cliched stories with...literally no surprises.', and 'Today, you are a farm man.'"
Ruby ends the movie, "Arya and Eragon say their farewells, and he goes off with Saphira for their next quest. And just when it looks like it's all happily ever after..."
The ending of the movie shows an enraged Galbatorix screaming in agony as he uses a sword to slash the hanging map of Alagaesia, revealing his giant pitch black dragon Shruikan.
"Oh, no! The biggest surprise of the movie!", dramatically gasped team RWBY, holding each other.
Galbatorix interrupts the movie for one last time, revealing, "Yes. That I have a dragon, too!"
"No, no. That we already knew.", team RWBY said disagreeingly.
Pyrrha specified, "Yeah, it was one of the first lines in the movie."
"Oh. Well, what were you surprised by, then?", Galbatorix said, unsurprised.
Team RWBY explained, "That you kept the dragon behind a map."
"Yeah, who does that? It's like disguising walls with dragon scales.", indicated Nora.
Pyrrha jokingly gagged, "Does he have a bathroom back there?"
"A treadmill for walks?", Nora blagued.
Ruby queried, "Aren't you afraid if he sneezes, he'll set the map on fire?"
"You know what? I don't need this. We're done talking, thank you, goodbye!", Galbatorix said, before he disappears on the TV screen and the movie resumes to the film's ending credits.
Team RWBY sighs and said, "We're so...confused.", as they said their overall review of the Eragon movie, "It's not like it's the worst movie. There's some pretty sights, and most of the actors do well. Most of them. It's clear there was effort put into this. But...there's absolutely nothing new. How did a story and dialogue this by-the-numbers and so behind the times get made? It doesn't feel like a fantasy movie, it feels like a fantasy game, where the story is more a side note to get to something else. Only in this, we never get to that something else. It's almost kind of tragic. It's clearly trying really hard, but it has no message or ideas that's worth trying hard to say. It's not awful, it's just...not good. Yeah, a mediocre movie but it's pretty kinda fun."
"Girls? Wanna watch Netflix instead?", Pyrrha and Nora ask the four members of team RWBY.
The girls reply, "You bet!", as the six turn off the Eragon movie and began watching Netflix for a bit during their movie night.
End of RWBY's Commentary of Eragon
Up Next: RWBY's Commentary of Scooby-Doo
