A/N: Not sure if this is AU or what. Maybe it is but not completely because the characters' attributes are pretty much still aligned with what's in the canon. But okay whatever.
Not sure how long this story will be, but I already have three chapters down. I just need to outline and structure the rest of the details and then revise, revise, revise.
I find beauty in brutality, so murder me with your thoughts?
"You're pregnant."
Sakura had been stabbing her slice of strawberry cake with her fork none too gently to detract herself from the matter at hand when the woman seated across her finally spoke, inducing her to look up. She knew it was not posed as a question, but she gave the woman her attention as a silent confirmation.
Any customer in that cafe would not even have to speculate about whether the two women were blood-related. No one would be hard-pressed to point out the striking similarity between them: that uniquely yet naturally hued hair which never failed to command attention from any passing stranger.
Her mother eyed her, daring her to explain and hopefully refute whatever she had just said, but Sakura just looked down back to her plate.
"And unmarried."
The woman now leaned back into her chair, folding her arms against her chest, trying to silence the oncoming wrath that she was not to unleash upon her daughter...and unborn grandchild.
She still did not get any response from Sakura, however, which just made the task of containing her anger even harder.
"Sakura, you can't – "
"Please don't question me on something you yourself had done before."
Sakura finally broke her silence because she hated that she could not even obtain any ounce of her mother's support when it was as glaring as the sun that history just repeated itself. Her statement had silenced her mother for a while, so she took this as a cue to continue.
"Weren't you unmarried when you had me? Weren't you also the one who kept chasing the one you loved and got abandoned in return? Weren't you as stupid as I am now? Weren't you – "
"Stop!" her mother choked, and Sakura resumed playing with her cake.
It pained Mebuki to see her own daughter going down the same path she had taken. It hurt that she was not able to do anything to prevent this, to protect her daughter from all the pain she would never deserve. But then again, she knew it was her fault anyway. She never explained things to Sakura because she could not let her know the truth and see her hurt. She never wanted to look pitiful in front of her daughter's eyes. This was the sole reason why she had decided to drown herself in her work.
After giving birth to Sakura, she worked hard to finish her degree and successfully got into law school. She needed to pass her responsibility as a mother on to her own parents despite herself. Her parents never understood how she could have done what she did, but they were always forgiving, and so instead of disowning her, they also took their grandchild in.
Mebuki had detached herself from Sakura because she could not stand little Sakura always asking for her father. It also hurt that Sakura was a painful reminder of her stupidity. But that did not mean she did not love her daughter. Every time she went home at night, she would always make sure to go to Sakura's bedroom to check up on her. In her sleep, Mebuki would drop a kiss on her forehead or run her fingers through her hair. She had endowed her with every material thing that all the other girls would have been jealous of. She knew that these would not suffice to substitute for the physical warmth that her embrace could provide, but she still hoped that leaving Sakura with all these possessions would satisfy her daughter for the time being.
She never really entertained any real conversation with her daughter because she just could not. She did not want her daughter to see her broken. Sakura did not need to know about her stupidity. Things were irreversible and indelible, but she wanted to remain strong for her daughter, for the both of them, so she could only put up a cold facade.
But then her parents who were looked up to by Sakura finally reached the end of their journey, so she understood when Sakura, in her grief, finally started to demand answers from her.
"I never understand why you always have to be so distant, but I need to know where my father is!"
"You don't need to know."
"But you never love me! Grandpa and grandma were always there for me but now they too are also gone! My father – he could provide the love you could never – "
"HE NEVER LOVED US. HE LEFT ME WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH YOU. HE LEFT US!"
She did not plan to tell her daughter everything in such a manner – too sharp and wounding. But Sakura had run away before she could even tell her that she regretted nothing.
When Sakura returned few days after, Mebuki was too overjoyed she just wanted to pull her daughter into a mother's embrace, but it was clear to her that she had pushed her daughter too far away. She could only apologize profusely while crying silently.
Sakura then asked for independence, reasoning that she wanted to find and start anew for herself. Mebuki feared this because creating any more gap between them was the last thing she could allow to do that time. But she loved her daughter, and that was the only way she could show her that...giving her freedom to decide for her own happiness.
After seconds of subduing her emotions, Mebuki staved off the painful recollection and reminded herself of her daughter's circumstance and what she, as her mother, should do.
"Leave him, Sakura. I'll support you and my grandchild."
Sakura noted the genuine concern etched across her mother's face, but she did not want to run away again from the problem. She ran away when she could not handle the truth about her father and her fragmented family. But now she swore she would face her own reality.
"I'll be fine. I have a stable job. I'll be able to take care of myself and the baby."
Mebuki's brows knitted in confusion as to her daughter's decision.
"Then why are you still staying with that man who can't even take responsibility for – "
"I promised myself I would someday have a complete family. I don't want my child to grow without a father. I want to shower my baby with all the love he or she deserves."
Sakura could not help smiling while envisioning her child smiling back at her and feeling the wholeness of the love she would always be ready to give. Mebuki only sighed because she realized that Sakura was indeed her daughter and would be as stubborn as she that arguing with her would be completely pointless. Besides, her daughter would be a mother soon, and she might as well invalidate herself as a mother if she were to insist that Sakura's decision was foolish.
"If you say so, Sakura," she started getting up, "I have some duties to take care of abroad but call me if ever you need me."
Sakura looked up at her, offering a smile.
"I'm a doctor. I can handle this."
Mebuki just laughed amicably. She walked over to Sakura and gently placed her hand on her daughter's shoulder, smiling down to her.
"Sakura, honey, you might be an expert at dealing with kids, but you can never go wrong with someone who's been a mother for 23 years."
It was the first time that Sakura heard that term of endearment, and she felt at ease. She knew that they never had a good relationship in the past, but Mebuki was still her mother, and she would always long for her love and support.
Mebuki was already steps away from her when she turned to answer, "Thank you...mom."
It was just a meek whisper, but Mebuki felt like she was a mother for the first time.
...
Sakura lingered a bit longer in the cafe minutes after her mother had left. She was contemplating about her resolution to create a complete, if not perfect, family. She questioned herself about the possibility of it becoming a part of her reality with the way things had been going. It used to be so easy for her nine months ago when Sasuke asked her to live with him. Even when things started to go downhill from there, she still had the courage to love him through every mistake he had intentionally committed. Then she finally broke and realized she could not be a human doll forever. She needed to be stronger than that. She had started another chapter of her life when she decided to keep the life she was carrying within her even when Sasuke gave her the option not to. That would be her joy and defense against every blunt and injurious edges of her dysfunctional relationship with Sasuke.
She knew that Sasuke was trying, but somehow she had learned how to stop caring. Sometimes, she wondered if trying to salvage their relationship as two people who had the shared responsibility of raising a child was still worth fighting for because she could always just be content with Sasuke promising that he would love their child despite not loving her.
She then idly stared out the cafe window but immediately snapped out of her reverie. A familiar car was parked outside. She finished her cake and took one last sip of her mango frappe, and she was out. She walked towards the car rather slowly, thinking about what to say and asking herself if she should even explain to him. But before she could even reach a concrete decision, the subject of her musing finally stepped out of the car to meet her.
"I thought you would still be having your shift by this time," Sasuke remarked casually although his tone was defined as if making a point.
After promising Sakura that he would love their child despite their relationship, he had been persistently holding up his end of the bargain. He initially demanded that he pick her up from her shift every day, but a week into the routine, and he found himself not minding to also drive her to the hospital every morning. Sakura had argued with him on this countless times, but he paid her no heed. He would do things the way he wanted it. What he did not take into consideration, however, was that he had already lost his power over Sakura when he intentionally messed her up and put her through hell, so he did not have the right to demand her to abide by his ways.
"I was able to get out early...I had to meet up with someone."
Sakura looked away as she explained. Sasuke did not know anything about her family or her mother, and she was not about to disclose the information simply because she did not want him to think that she needed fixing as well when she was the one so intent on fixing him that she still chose to stay despite everything he had done.
She did not notice it, but Sasuke found himself narrowing his eyes at her answer. He was not used to Sakura talking about being with someone else. He was spoiled into thinking that her life revolved only around him.
"Who is it?" he visibly frowned.
She then faced him, shrugging the matter off just to send him the idea that it was not as important as he was implying it to be.
"Someone you don't know. Anyway, you didn't have to wait and look for me," and she walked sedately past him towards the car.
He involuntarily clenched his fists.
"I told you I'd try," he gritted, frustrated that whenever they talked, they always ended up arguing.
She stopped just before getting inside the car to end this argument. She was honestly not in the mood and in perfect shape to entertain his mood swings.
"I know...How did you even know I was here? What...did you put a tracker on me?" she forced out a laugh.
The Uchiha was not about to let her know that he had half a mind to drive around the city just to look for her. But the cafe was just a few blocks away from the hospital, and his eyes had been trained to single out her pink hair that it did not take much to spot her.
He also started his way back to the car and answered her before getting in.
"I don't need a tracker to find you."
It hit a nerve in Sakura, and as she listlessly climbed inside, his answer was still resounding in her head. Of course, she thought, it's not like she'd go anywhere where Sasuke wouldn't be able to find her. She's just...always there.
...
The way back to their house was a silent drive. Not that it was any different from previous occasions, however. Sakura had specifically told Sasuke that it was okay being picked up from her work but that driving her to the hospital was going too far. She insisted that she was not some disabled, needy person who had to rely so much on him. But the truth of the matter was, aside from her personal value of upholding her feminine independence, she just wanted to spare herself from spending too much time with him. If it was any day before their fallout, she would be forever thankful for the blessed opportunity that came her way, but right now, she just could not find any meaning to maintaining physical distance as often as possible when she told him herself that she would stay whatever happened. She suggested getting a personal driver, but Sasuke was totally averse to the idea, saying that she should not be trusting people so easily, as if warning her not to make the same mistake as when she trusted him. So against her will, she needed to stick with this routine for about a month now.
Their new place was way farther from the hospital. Evidently, Sakura also decided against Sasuke's proposition of buying a new house instead of staying in his apartment. He reasoned that they would need a bigger space if they were to raise a child.
"I want our child to live as comfortably as possible," he said while contacting some people for the housing arrangements.
Whenever Sasuke would refer to her child as 'their' child, Sakura could not help wondering if that actually meant anything for him. Forbidden questions would begin flooding her mind: Will they stay together even after she gives birth? Will that mean them becoming a family? But what if he suddenly finds someone else he wants to marry? What if she falls in love with – no she did not think this possible.
Sasuke noted her silence because it was suffocation coming from Sakura. They never really had lively conversations before but usually, Sakura would ask how his day had been, and he would exchange words with her lazily. He pretended not to mind her efforts of engaging him in a conversation, but he actually found himself expecting it every time she drove her to and picked her up from her work. She used to be enthused over everything, chattering and keeping up her droll humor while she served him dinner or while they lay together in bed at night. But then he broke her so much that seeing her real smile was now just a luxury that no amount of money could ever afford. He wanted to believe that it was merely exhaustion on Sakura's part, her struggle of adapting to the changes taking place in her body, but somehow he knew that Sakura would still be Sakura if she was not broken.
Sakura leaned against the window of the car staring blankly outside, mulling over the conversation she had had with her mother.
"...why are you still staying...?"
Sure, she wanted her child to have a father, but she knew fully well that that did not mean they had to actually stay together. They could always live separately, and Sasuke could always visit their child whenever he wanted to. She knew that Sasuke could only care for the child. He said it so. But then she went on justifying her reason for staying by believing that since Sasuke cared so much for the child, he must not want her to live away from him with their child lest making things more difficult for him.
Sasuke also said that he wanted her to teach him how to love. She never understood what he meant by that, and she never dared to ask. He was so intent on pushing her away before, and it had taken her a great deal of pain before she could accept that. So what could have caused the change? If he thought she needed his pity, then clearly he needed to think again. She had been so weak against him for so long, and she planned on stopping. She tried to reassess herself yet again, asking herself over and over what had made her love him in the first place. He was heartless, he never cared, he was –
"Sakura."
Sasuke's voice cut into her reverie, and she automatically pulled away from the window to face him.
He threw a glance at her when he felt her stirred, and he almost reached out to caress away those signs of exhaustion marring her features. The urge to ask her "What's wrong?" was unbearable, but he reminded himself that asking that was pointless because he of all people had intimate knowledge of everything that was wrong. So he brought up a topic related to their child instead, knowing that Sakura was always fond of talking about it.
"How was the checkup?" How are you? He had to catch himself.
She shifted in her seat to make herself more comfortable. She started caressing her pregnant belly, wearing a warm smile, and Sasuke could only wish she would smile more often like before.
"Tsunade-shishou said the baby's maturing rapidly. She said I must be ready for unusual cravings and advised me not to overexert myself at work – "
"Are you not supposed to take a leave from your work?"
'"I could..." she trailed off but that would mean staying in our house and being with you for prolonged hours which is completely unnecessary.
"I could...but I have patients waiting for me. I can't just leave my responsibility to anybody else," she added with finality. Tsunade had advised her to step down from being a surgeon for a while because the stress would be too much to handle for her. She acquiesced but insisted that she would not be able to give up her duties as a pediatrician.
"You should. It might harm the baby." He refocused staring back at the road ahead.
She felt slighted. "I'll make sure I won't overstress myself for the baby if that's what you're worried about. I'm sorry I'm not a CEO like you who can always skip work whenever you –"
"You know nothing." And the car skidded to a halt.
"You never told me anything," she bit back.
She was aware that she might have crossed the line and automatically felt bad about it. She knew what had happened to his parents through the media, but that was all about it. Sasuke and his parents were rushed to the hospital that night of the attack, but his parents did not make it while he was fatally wounded. Being the only surgeon around that time, she took it upon herself to attend to him as quickly as possible and perform the necessary operation on him. She had been the one looking after him ever since. But things always go wrong when the healer falls for the broken, and she had experienced it firsthand.
There was a lengthy silence that followed until Sasuke decided that the matter was not worth discussing at the moment and started revving up the engine again.
It would always be hard for him to open up to anyone especially because he had sworn off people ever since the tragedy with his family. He could not afford loving and then losing someone again. But he would be lying if he were to say that Sakura did not change him. He still could not reconcile his feelings for her, but he knew that he could not go on living in despair forever especially now that a child was on the way.
Sakura had successfully embedded some cracks in the wall he had put up. It took him long before he could admit it to himself, but when the realization hit him, he subtly informed her about it by asking her to teach him how to love, how to open up again. He did mean it, and he was trying. But it did not help that Sakura had distanced herself from him since a month ago, and it also did not help that he was not doing anything about it.
...
When they reached their handsome two-storey house, Sakura was the first one who got out of the car without sparing Sasuke a glance. She immediately reached for her keys inside her bag and stalked off to unlock their gate, and then the door. She briskly went up the flight of stairs to get to her room. After their fallout a month ago, she deemed it crucial that she and Sasuke have separate rooms.
She settled and secured herself inside her room, trying to calm her nerves down. She sat at the edge of her bed, frustrated at everything, at how she had known all along that staying with Sasuke was a lost cause – and yet she was still there, unmoving. She was about to call Ino, her best friend, just to let off some steam when she heard a soft knock on her door. She did not want to face him right now and start another row with him, so she thought of pretending to have fallen asleep as an excuse for not opening the door. Few more knocks, and she talked herself out of it. She realized that she would be a mother soon and she needed to act like it – someone who would not run away and would face the problems bravely. She then padded across her room to open the door.
There was Sasuke holding out a basket of fruits. He had no idea that he would upset her so much. He was never good at conversing and expressing his self anyway. So he sought to appease her by offering her fruits, which he knew from general knowledge, were healthy and desirable for pregnant women.
He then looked into her eyes, silently coaxing her to accept what he had to offer.
"Fruits."
To justify his choice for giving those, he then directed his gaze at her growing belly.
"For the baby."
Sakura wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Only Sasuke could make a nice mess of her.
She quickly reached for the basket and was about to retreat hastily into her room when Sasuke leaned his arm against the door, preventing her from shutting it on him.
"Have you had your dinner?"
Since the incident a month ago, Sakura had been so avoidant she had stopped sharing meals with him. She used to cook for him every chance she got whether he would eat with her or not, but that was when she was still as whole as she could be. She would sometimes still cook for the two of them every morning, but she saw it now as conditional, just a way of repaying his uncalled-for and sudden kindness.
She always made sure that she would have eaten – grabbing something to eat from some eatery nearby or from the hospital's cafeteria – by the time Sasuke picked her up at eight in the evening. Even on the drive home, neither of them ever spoke about having dinner together. Sakura was still unaccustomed to not showing any concern towards Sasuke, but she was learning.
"Yes," she said matter-of-factly.
What she had was not really dinner because a slice of cake would not substitute for a hearty meal, but she was not ready to take him up on whatever he was insinuating.
Sasuke automatically put his arm down and moved his hands inside his pockets, acting as if her reply did not bother him the least bit. He was not expecting this kind of answer from her, but he understood that the woman standing paces from him was no longer the old Sakura who used to cook for him and ask him every time if he had eaten already or not. He refused to feel affected. He composed himself, knowing that it would just take him some getting used to.
But just before he let this go, he breathed a sigh and continued.
"We can always," he shrugged, "talk whenever you want." He then moved away to proceed to his own room.
A lone tear escaped Sakura's eye, and she hastily wiped it away before finally closing her door. She realized that yes, Sasuke was heartless, he never cared – a monster – but he would always affect her despite her resistance because it was in his ambiguities that she cared for him the most.
...
Tbc
(can we just pretend that yes sakura has the capability to be a pediatrician and surgeon at the same time coz after all she's the strongest medic-nin in konoha? Haha.)
