This eleventh non-canon review has team Blake and Weiss this time review the Michael Bay war flick Pearl Harbor while Ruby and Yang went out for a while, exploring the many cliched references to James Cameron's Titanic and the tragic disaster the movie held.

Happy 2020!

BEACON

"Hello, I'm Blake..."

"..and I'm Weiss."

"We both remember it so you don't have to.", Blake stated, "Years ago, a disaster fell upon this nation. A horrible tragedy that left good people and their families scarred for life. And while many weren't there to witness it, this attack on the public left several poor souls confused and afraid. And I think we can all agree it's a bombing we will never forget and we'll hold deep within our hearts- Okay, you know the punchline. It's Pearl Harbor the movie, not the actual event."

Blake and Weiss' Commentary of Pearl Harbor (Part 1)

Weiss continued, "Some of you may find it kind of cold of me to make a joke around that, but if Michael Bay can make up insulting shit about Pearl Harbor, well, then so can I. This dumbass flick tried to cash in on the romantic historical fiction based around a...tragedy genre. Which, sad to say, is quite a popular genre like Enemy at the Gates, The Hindenburg, Titanic, and of course, Pearl Harbor."

"It's an obvious studio choice to try and get out a butch version of Titanic. Because, hey, if the highest-grossing film at that time got its profit from teary-eyed women, naturally we can make more, marketing to testosterone-filled man penis. The problem is, it's over three hours long, has no action until the middle, and is under the misconception that Ben Affleck is likeable. And seeing how this is now a time full of love...", the Faunus said, facing her girlfriend Weiss.

The Schnee girl asked, "Wait, what are you doing...?!", before Blake kisses Weiss deeply and passionately as her leg jolted upwards.

After this kiss, Weiss sighs romantically as her lips were smeared with Blake's lipstick, the latter resuming, "...we both say we get snuggly with the most romantic person we can think of...Michael Bay. Let's awaken the sleeping giant with...Pearl Harbor.

Pearl Harbor

"We open with two boys on a farm pretending to be pilots, when one of their dads comes in from his job.", described Blake, as one of the two kids played a push plane, "Oh, what do you know? It's one of those one button push planes. Years of piloting school, my ass! Flying this thing's as easy as flushing a toilet."

Weiss referred, "But Father Jerk-In-Everything-I'm-In is not happy and starts beating his son, only to have his friend knock him out. Geez, wonder where I've heard that before.", who thinks about her father Jacques as they both watch the scene with one of the boys interacting with his father, "Cut to years later where those two boys have grown up into some wild, crazy rapscallions who love putting priceless military aircraft in jeopardy."

"Maverick!", referenced and joked by both Blake and Weiss, when they saw the two now-grown-up boys doing airplane stunts during their flight training, as a character named Red Winkle notice the unauthorization and reported to the commander, "He may add, 'I stutter. It's my thing. It's a quick way to identify me without having to give me any character.'"

The Faunus introduced, "Our heroes are played by Ben Affleck, pre-director days, so you can hate him all you want, and Josh Hartnett, who, if his eyes were any more squinty, would have to see through his eyelids. They're under the command of Colonel Dolittle, played by Alec Baldwin, pre-I-had-too-much-pie but not post-I-need-to-seriously-stop-eating-the-goddamn-pie. It's ironic because he plays a person based on a real-life colonel, and yet he's probably the most clichéd character in the entire movie.", also saying during a scene with Alec Baldwin's Dolittle talking to Ben Affleck's Rafe and mocking the former, "'Don't throw your million dollar words around me. What complicated French phrases are next? Baguette? Croissant? Gérard Depardieu?'", finishing Dolittle's talk to Rafe (saying 'That's bullshit, McCawley!'), "Everybody...'But it's very good bullshit.'", saying this the same time as Dolittle in the movie.

"Yeah, we like these privates that don't follow commands and endanger their lives and equipment. We need more people like you not doing what we tell you to do. It's like the old saying goes, 'be all that you can be...and...ehhhhh, do whatever you want, we're flexible'. A bit confusing, but it quite sums up the whole thing.", the Schnee girl commented, "So seeing how Michael Bay's forecast calls for permanent sunset, it's probably best that we cut to the next night. Oh, and here's a fun game. Count how many times they giggle throughout this entire scene.", as they watched and kept track of how much times the girls giggled in the scene, "Oh, by the way, hi, Jennifer Garner. Yeah, that's really her before she became famous. God, I wish you and these brainless bimbos were all just Alias-es for your next undercover mission."

Blake says, "So Hartnett tries to help Affleck cheat the physical so he can pass and join the military, but Kate catches on and calls him on it.", as the two watch this scene and the one after with Kate Beckinsale's character Evelyn, "Well, we both guess it's nice that she passes dyslexic doofuses, putting most likely several other soldiers at risk during critical times, but all we wanna know is, if he constantly gets letters and numbers backwards all the time, then how the hell did he read the cheat sheet?! Dipshit, just imagine those letters are up on the board. Because, guess what? THEY ARE UP ON THE BOARD!"

"They, of course, start chatting and start up a romance, but is it me, or does it sound like if George Lucas took over some of this romantic banter here?", Weiss noticed, "Maybe Lucas's screen alias is Randall Wallace. Wouldn't that explain so much?", resuming the movie's story, "So they spend days and days together until we come to this tired story thread: the fact that he's leaving the next day and is only now telling her about it.", as they watch a scene with Rafe and Evelyn, the former saying that it's not her responsibility and choice to volunteer in the war.

The Faunus mocked as Rafe's character, "'Pfft, yeah. We're just a couple. It's not like you have any say in things.'", before exampling, "It's like Rosie the Riveter says, 'Men Call All the Shots!' Or was it something else? No, no, no, that was it. But at least they have one last romantic evening alone togeth...or...?", as the scene between Rafe and Evelyn continued, "Sooo, the promise of sex will bring you home? Okay, fair enough. But you're still gonna have that lust whether you're with her tonight or not. Way to buy the cow, man. Or...deny the cow sex, however the phrase goes."

"So he tells her not to see him off at the train station, but, yeah, get a load of this great logic.", Weiss said as the next scene showed Rafe leaving to go to war while his friend Danny (played by Josh Hartnett) joins him, "Okay, dude! You kept that you're leaving a secret, sprung it on her the night before, say she has no choice in the matter, are denying her nookie, and you have the BALL TESTICLES to be testing her!?"

The Faunus aggravated, "What the hell do you do for an encore? Tell orphans that they're seeing Santa's workshop, but it's really a war zone, and the ones who didn't plug their ears get a cookie? For Oum's sake, how close are those Japanese planes again?", checking a graphic to show the planes were near Hawaii at this point before continuing; "So while Kate and her friends are off to be nurses, Affleck spends time in fighter jets, while also writing his supposed true love."

"Oh, yeah, another thing about this movie. If it could jerk off America's wang any more, it'd probably get dicksauce on Cuba.", informed Weiss, "But meanwhile, our Japanese enemies plot their surprise attack, led by Oum on high treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered, Mako."

The next part showed the Japanese planning their attack while demonstrating it on a giant tub of water, with Blake responding, "Yes, the smart enemy plots in giant hot tubs with toy battleships with no markings on them that would identify it as a map. Not, of course, forgetting Rubber Ducky Godzilla."

"Actually, we have to admit, we're kinda shocked. We're about 45 minutes in and there's been no explosions, all character development, even if it's bad development, and even the Asians are shown in non-stereotypical ways. Almost like...Michael Bay was a different guy.", suspected Blake and Weiss, "Still a bad director, but a different guy. You almost gotta wonder what was going through his head at the time.", the latter saying, "In fact, we're now gonna take a sex break, and right after we'll continue the next part of the review.", saying to Blake, "I love you...", as her girlfriend replied, "I love you too.", as they promptly kiss and start having their private break.

To be continued...