Blake and Weiss' Commentary of Pearl Harbor (Part 2)

"So Affleck takes a hit by enemy planes and is believed to be dead. Hartnett goes to deliver the bad news.", summarized Blake after she and Weiss were done from their sex break previously at the end of the first part of this review, "Oh, yeah, we're sure he's really gone. That's why the advertisements show him in about twenty more scenes that he wasn't in yet. Hey, while we're at it, I get the feeling Aragorn will make it through The Two Towers also."

Weiss states, "So Hartnett and Beckinsale try to deal with their loss of AFFLECK!", as the scene between Danny and Evelyn played as the former tells her he volunteered and wanted to protect him, "Yeah, that is so like him to protect his buddy. God, I feel like you two have shared so much in the...two, maybe three scenes you had together? You know, the ones that never went over five fucking minutes?"

"Oh, and speaking of which, did protecting you also include playing chicken with expensive aircrafts? Putting your life and professional career in danger? Well, at least it was worth it to 86 his girlfriend and leave her nether regions colder than a snowman's rectal thermometer. You know, we gotta admit, from an outsider looking in, we think it's pretty obvious that dear old Affleck is a dear old AFF-HOLE! How close are those planes again!?", the Faunus says, issuingly checking the graphic again to show the planes getting closer to Pearl Harbor on the map.

The Schnee girl then said, "So, we've had one romance, yes. How about second romance?", remarking, "Three months later, Kate decides to go to the military base...in her finest evening dress...to, uh, not hit on Hartnett, but somehow ends up flying with him with her in his lap anyway. Yeah, I'm sure that was sanctioned. So after their joyride, he takes her into one of the hangers to see if his parachute will still deploy. But then Dan Aykroyd...yeah, you heard right, Dan Aykroyd...making his biggest appearance since Temple of Doom...alerts of a possible oncoming attack."

"Actually, the funny thing is, Aykroyd might be one of the best parts of the movie. I mean, whether you like him as an actor or not, you have to admit, he is the King of Exposition. Anytime he's explaining something, you will always listen. Especially after he's done Ghostbusters, The Blues Brothers, and...", Blake said, before pausing and thinking about the 2010 Yogi Bear film, "...Driving Miss Daisy.", continuing, "Hell, I could probably take The Dark Knight more seriously if Aykroyd was doing his voice as Batman."

Weiss indicates, "But it's all good, because Team Josh seems to be just as happy as can be with Affleck's leftovers. I bet if I was in the Jerry Springer show, i'd be saying, 'Oh, well, now that's interesting. That's very interesting, because we have somebody backstage who would like to comment on this whole thing. Uh, can we bring him out here, please? Can we bring him out?' and then Rafe would suddenly come back! And everyone would be cheering and chanting!"

"And that's right, Affleck just pops out of nowhere. He was gonna call eventually, but if you haven't noticed, he likes to spring dramatic bullshit at the very last minute.", told the Faunus, "But in the middle of their reunion...", as the two tearfully see the scene where Rafe finds out Danny has been in love with Evelyn, feeling betrayed and heartbroken; "So, fuck trying to fix this problem. Let's go get hammered. And while we're at it, let's throw some dick remarks at the people you thought you were helping but you were really just being a cock horse to."

The Schnee girl reacts when they saw a scene with Danny and Rafe arguing with the latter punching the former at the end of their dispute, "Yeah, he's only been back for 10 minutes and already I hate him.", reasoning when Rafe in the movie says it was his fault and apologizes to his friend Danny, "Oh, I don't know. You volunteered, you left her behind, you tried to control his life. Let's see what the Magic 8-Ball has to say. Whatever it is, I can't argue with that."

"So...how close are those planes again!?", impatiently said Blake, as the film cuts to the Japanese soldiers writing letters to their loved ones, "Ooh, might be closer than I thought. They're writing letters to their Japanese relatives in English...to throw the enemy off?", just before both see the Japanese Zero planes leave the carriers for their invasion at Pearl Harbor, "So, just a mere hour and a half in, we finally get our attack on the Harbor. Rather than just let the terror of the attack speak for itself, let's fly by every poetic symbol of American innocence we can find."

Weiss playfully mocked the passing Japanese planes, "The pilots should say, 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'Konnichi wa!' 'All your base belong to us!'"

"I saw what you did there!", smiled the Faunus as they watch the Pearl Harbor attack take place while Red Winkle came in the barracks to alert the other guys, but stutters, "Okay, who made him our communications officer?", as the Pearl Harbor scenes continue.

Weiss wondered, "And where are those dashing heroes of ours while this terrible event is going on?", before the two notice the two main characters were sleeping on their car, "Yeah, I mean, don't let the title of the movie interrupt their love triangle. Let 'em sleep, let 'em figure things out."

Blake points out, "Yeah, sort of a big problem with this, isn't it? Wemean, at least with Titanic, whether you like it or not, you see the fictional characters interact with the real-life characters. So when the tragedy happens, you know who they are and can build emotional connections with them. Here, they're in a car away from the base! We mean, okay, a plane fires at them, but we know the ships is where the majority of the attack is gonna take place, and thus where we're gonna spend most of our time. But, they're never on it! So we never make a connection to any of these people dying, except maybe Cuba Gooding, Jr., who had a quick cameo here and there. And, yeah, don't get me wrong. It sucks seeing this, it sucks seeing people get killed. But why waste an hour and a half never showing who they are? He wasted it on characters who don't exist, he doesn't care about, and aren't even in the center of the attack. Yeah, great call on that."

"But, with that said, I have to admit, the action for the most part is pretty well done. I mean, you can see what's going on, it's intense, and the effects are very impressive. But even Bay couldn't let this pass without some bullshit moments. For example...", Weiss approved before saying in disapproval when they saw a soldier coming outside while brushing his teeth to see the chaos outside, "Is this guy brushing his teeth!? Are you shitting me? Buddy, fuck the plaque build-up! I really hope the military doesn't teach people that when they hear explosions, run out into fire in a bath towel! Oh, and how about this crap where the planes are shown firing on civilians at a hospital? Even though it was reported that the Japanese NEVER fired on them. Yeah, even when they had a clear shot, they would not fire at the hospital."

The Faunus replies afterward, "Fuck that shit! This is Michael Bay's history. This is Randall Wallace's writing. We have to put Kate Beckinsale in danger from those evil Japs, who have to fire on hospitals and kill one of those giggling idiots that you barely knew. Oh, yeah, I'll miss whatever the hell her name was! Oh, and listen to this...", as the movie shows during the Pearl Harbor attack when the ships were sinking, one of the soldiers yelled out that he can't swim.

"Wait a fuck...!", halts the Schnee girl, "They're telling me that a man- A...soldier! A sailor, in the Navy, on a battle cruiser, can't...swim...?"

Blake reminds, "Well, it wasn't a requirement for enlistment at the time the movie was set in."

"Okay. Okay, Michael Bay. Okay, Michael 'America Fuck Yeah' Michael Bay! 'I'd do anything for fucking America! I'd jerk it off until it splooges everywhere!' THEY are making their military look like undisciplined asses! We mean, let us get this straight. They take women up in their planes for joyrides, use cheat sheets to pass their eye exams...which still doesn't make any fucking sense, by the way...pull off dangerous ego stroking stunts, and yet, somehow, that gets them promoted, continue to brush their teeth even when they're under attack. By the way, he still has it! Look, he still fucking has it! Don't go protecting another soldier or anything, you hold onto that toothbrush, Private! And on top of that, you make the accusation that there are soldiers in the military who can't swim!"

The Faunus says towards the director, "You know...dick. 'Cause that's what you are, a fucking dick. When you show this image of the American flag destroyed...you're not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says 'ooh, America's hurt'. But, it's very clear that what is important to you is not how you view America... What is important to you is how others see you viewing America. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things. You can lie about history. You can exaggerate, you can glorify, you can demonize, you can distort the facts. You can make up the truth."

"Make up the truth about people who lost their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you fucking love America.", Weiss gave an honest opinion, "We're sorry! We-we-we don't fuck around with this shit! We don't, okay? These are people who have lost their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their asses on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to show that! And, we-we know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, 'Well, we'll just make up people, because they weren't really there, so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up.' And granted, you don't deserve the responsibility to show real events; you don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when you take it and base it on a real event, and you have to show these real people, you have to get it right, Michael Bay! You have to get it right! Because this, this isn't Transformers, okay? That's kid's shit, you can do whatever you want. It's not The Rock! It's not Sean Connery saying 'winners fuck the prom queen!' No, it's fucking Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, 'Well, it's Hollywood, we take liberties.' Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When you take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful and hurts a lot of people, that means you have to do two things. One, you have to grow up and be an adult! Two, you have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!", as Weiss slowly catches her breath after letting out her huge rage-filled fit.

Blake comforted, "Weiss. You said enough. Just calm down.", as she carried her girlfriend bridal-style, "Honestly...we...can't be the only ones who see this. And thank God...we weren't.", as they decided to take another break without saying a word by taking a short nap.

To be concluded...