Ruby's Commentary of Mamma Mia! (Part 2 - Final)
"So Streep starts to get emotional after seeing her three baby-daddies, and her friends try to cheer her up by Lazy Chick Flick Check #5: Dress-Up Clothes. Again, kind of assuming what amuses three-year-old girls will also amuse grown-ass women. Why the fuck do they have feather boas in a hotel anyway?", resumed Ruby as she came back from her short break as she watches Tanya and Rosie beginning to sing Dancing Queen, "Um, maybe I missed something, but what does being a dancing queen have to do with the Greek hotel version of Montell Williams? Hey, all your boyfriends are back and you might be ruining your daughter's wedding, but...at least you can swing those hips?", confused and then remembering when the two in the movie use inanimate objects as microphones, "Oh! Almost forgot Lazy Chick Flick Check #6: Using Inanimate Objects as Microphones. Now, it does usually say it has to be a stirring spoon or whisk, but deodorant will work, too. We'll give it a pass."
The part shows the Dancing Queen song becoming an ensemble dance number as Benny Anderson (one of the composers of the movie as well as one of the members of the band ABBA) makes a cameo playing a piano on a boat during the song.
The black-red-haired girl smiles, "Oh! Benny from ABBA is there! It'd be funny if he said, 'Hm, never mind me. I'm just a man with a piano on a boat, just waiting to open up an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus'.", as the musical number continued, "Boy, I can only imagine the thousands of dollars that went into the amazing choreography they put in this film. I think they literally modeled it after all the suburban mothers dancing in their kitchens to ABBA music. It makes them feel like Spice Girls!", the musical sequence ending with all the dancers jumping into the lake, "Yay! We jumped in water! That's deserving of a high-five!", summarizing as the movie cuts to Sophie interacting with her fathers and then spending time with Sky, "So, we see Sophie interacting with her fathers while, of course, not singing a song about it at all, but rather singing a song about stuff that happened in the past that connects very little to what's going on now. But, fuck it. At least there is some character development here among our leads. They hang out together, they talk, we don't hear what they're talking about, but at least they're together, they're doing something...for exactly three minutes. Yeah, 'cause we have much more important things to get to, like another song that has nothing to do with anything, Lay All Your Love on Me. This one's sung by Sophie's fiance. Oh, yeah. There's a wedding in this movie...and a fiance that we barely see, who apparently likes to almost burn his future wife's head off."
This next snippet shows Sky singing with his friends, as the boys all march and dance weirdly on a pier wearing flippers as it slightly references Super Mario Bros. while Sophie watches happily.
"What the hell am I watching right now...?", snickers Ruby and tries not to laugh, as she imagined Mario's jumping noises as the boys during the song marched on the pier in the movie, "One of them could say, 'Guys, I could be wrong, but I think we look fucking ridiculous.'", shrugging afterwards, "You know, I'm not a wedding expert or anything, but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the day before a wedding, people aren't quite so carefree and happy-go-lucky. I think it's usually more of 'my mom's causing drama, none of the dresses fit, and my uncle's threatening to punch anybody who takes his flask away'. But if you think this is what the day before a wedding looks like, I want what you're puffing. And I'm not kidding. They literally go from one song having nothing to do with anything immediately into the introduction of the next song that has nothing to do with anything. No, really. It's kind of amazing how much they don't want any character in this movie. Watch!", showing a scene with the song Lay All Your Love on Me before going to the next scene which immediately starts Super Trouper, "Look at that! There wasn't even a break! No discussing anything, no time to catch your breath, they just go right fucking into it! By God, have we learned anything about these characters? I mean, what do we really know about Sophie? Nothing. What do we really know about her fiance we never see? Nothing. The three dads? That's a joke. All we know about them is that Harry likes everything in its place, Bill's more goofy and outgoing, and Sam is suave and cool. Those are the fathers from Full House! You're so desperate, you're doing stereotypes of TGIF stereotypes?! Oh, fuck it! Just let them know when Robo Steve Urkel comes in- Oh, wait! That'd be too threatening! Don't worry, ladies! Nothing funny, nothing funny at all! They're the Good Chick Flick. But the only one who seems to be a little developed is Streep's character, but even she has to take a backseat to ABBA songs that obviously aren't there to tell a story, but just be ABBA songs.", as the next part in the movie shows the Gimme! Gimme! Gimmel! sequence with two of Sophie's fathers, "For Oum's sakes, this is the worst thing to happen to Greece since Alexander the Great died!"
This scene shows Colin Firth's Harry and Stellan Skarsgard's Bill were singing the song 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!' during the musical sequence.
The leader of team RWBY explains, "So the fathers are given presumably death by Snoo-Snoo as Sophie goes to, imagine, actually have a meaningful conversation with one of them. Look out! Humanity!", commenting while observing this part, "Um, not to be cruel or anything, but I think that's just OK at best. I mean, I don't wanna knock anyone's artistic sensibilities or anything, but do you really think that's 'leave this place' material? I mean, who knows? Maybe there's a market out there for people who like your cocktail napkin drawings of Archer. The art world is vast, anything can happen.", as she continued, "Eventually, all three dads, separately, of course, learn the truth about Sophie being their daughter and all pledge to be there for her. This, big surprise, is a little much for Sophie to take in, who was thinking during this scene, 'What a shock! And here I thought inviting my three unknown dads I never met to meet up the weekend of my wedding without telling anybody dealing with other common wedding drama would cause no problems whatsoever! Oh, I only hope there's an ABBA song in this movie about being a fucking mental masochist!'...", as when the scene ends with Sophie fainting, it cuts to Rosie on a boat trying to reach Harry and Bill on theirs, ...but nope! Instead, we're cutting to stupid shit like this. Man, even by bad chick flick standards, that was uncomfortably forced. I refuse to shrug under protest that we are better as a species.", also saying, "But Brosnan tries to see if he can make things better."
The next part shows Sam singing the next song in the movie 'SOS', although he may sing horribly to some viewers.
"His singing's so bad, even Streep doesn't know how to take it in. He's like, 'Oh, yes, thank God. Drown me out, music! More background singers! Auto-tuning can only save me so much!' Jesus, was ADR at a karaoke pub after 20 Guinnesses? You're making Gerard Butler sound like Idina Menzel! And I can't imagine what Stoick from How to Train Your Dragon sounds like when he sings Let It Go with Elsa's voice!", arguably said Ruby before gasping as she sees Donna and Sam sing in the movie, "As for that, he could add during this part, 'Okay, movie, don't make me do that again.'", while after the song ended, the movie cuts back to Sophie nervously getting ready for the wedding, "Oh, good, we're back to Sophie. Maybe now, we can finally get into her mindset and see what the hell's going through her...", before the movie immediately cuts to Tanya talking to a man named Pepper right when they start singing Does Your Mother Know, as Ruby unfazingly watched over the scene in bewilderment, "N-no. Seriously. Where the hell is this coming from? This is literally the first time we've seen this guy and he's not even hitting on a main character. Why are we focusing on this? I know jukebox musicals have to incorporate their story to songs that already exist, but this isn't incorporating them, this is writing around them. This is dropping a roadblock of creativity to your nads! I mean, it's not like-", realizing, "Don't make me say it; Don't make me say it. Don't make me say it, movie. Goddamn it, don't make me say it. I-I-I-I can't, I-I can't fucking say it, please. Don't make me say this!", before giving in, "It's not like Moulin Rouge where the songs actually tied in! Yeah, that's how bad we've gotten, people. You're forcing me to compliment Moulin Rouge! I feel so dirty! But it is true! They at least tried to tie in the songs to the story they were telling. This? This is tying it in as much as, say, a Six Flags Musical Stage Show for your five-year-olds! It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be happy and mindless while you catch your breath from the real entertainment. Only here, THIS IS THE REAL ENTERTAINMENT!", as the huntress ranted when the song continued in the movie scene, "For Oum's sakes, it's like being the designated driver of Satan's bachelorette party, which, I'm not really sure if Satan's female or not, but after seeing this film, I'm willing to lean towards he probably is! Dr. Teeth from Robot Chicken could say something about what he thinks of this!"
The following scene had Sophie and Sky having a scene together prior to the upcoming wedding.
The black-red-haired huntress chroniclogized, "So Sophie meets up with her fiance and lets him know what she's done.", adding when Sophie in the movie discussed her problem to Sky, "Sophie can also put in, 'I thought you'd use logic and stuff that doesn't usually fly in a bad chick flick!'", elucidating, "He rightfully calls her a twat, and she goes to her mother to figure out what to do.", as Sophie asks her mother Donna in this scene if she can help her, "Donna would've said, 'I want to sing a song about my emotions. I was thinking about the Monster Mash. It ties in about as much as any of the other songs do!'", before Ruby designated, "In all fairness, we do surprisingly get a song that does kind of connect to what's going on called Slipping Through My Fingers, as Streep sings about letting her daughter go. It's actually one of the few genuinely emotional moments in the entire film, and thank Oum they botch it up just a few moments later, by changing the song to The Winner Takes it All!", the girl watching Donna sing this song to Sam in the sequence, reacting; "Okay. By this point, Streep's been at least...passable in the singing department. Nothing great, nothing terrible, but what the heck? You kind of give her a pass. But here, you really have to stretch your vocal chops in order to make it sound good, and...Oum bless her, she looks nice against that background. She may have given Brosnan a look before, but now, it's clearly his turn.", as Donna almost finishes the song in this scene, "Sam would've thought to himself, 'Ooh, yeah...I, uh...hmm. Let's do each other a favor, both fire our agents'.", the scene finishing with Sam yelling out Donna's name when the song ended, "STELLA! FIND US BETTER VOICE TEACHERS!", with Ruby saying this and referencing A Streetcar Named Desire, "So the wedding finally gets underway as she's about to marry Saturday Night Fever Sky here, but, big shock, Streep wants to steal the spotlight, partaking in yet another Lazy Chick Flick Cliche: Interrupting a Wedding."
The climax shows Donna and Sophie at the wedding, the former (as well as Sam, Harry and Bill) comforting the latter when Donna tells her Sky is there as well as her dads say being a third of a dad is great.
"So, Meryl is shocked to find that in a bizarre way, she's reliving Sophie's Choice, as we discover that...oh, I can't even say it, just watch.", Ruby gave up, as she watches Sophie and Sky declare their love to one another and kiss, "Sophie can also say, 'To everyone who spent a fortune coming out here, my fiance's parents who spent a fortune on this wedding, and my mother who spent the other half of the fortune on this wedding, I offer you my sincerest fuck yous in the ass. Have a nice trip back'. But it's okay, because we partake in Lazy Chick Flick Check #Who-The-Fuck's-Even-Counting-Anymore: Unrealistic Happy Ending That Would be a Positively Terrible Ending in Real Life. But wait, it gets better.", as the romantic couple in the movie starts singing I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do; "Oh, God! JUST END IT!", as the minister in the movie says in the next snippet, "Even though by religious standards, you've broken God knows how many qualifications for a Catholic marriage. So enjoy these words that mean absolutely nothing! They have their reception and we finally wrap up on our mu-"
She then saw Rosie suddenly singing Take a Chance on Me to Bill during the film's finale.
"Huh? What is this?", supposed the leader of team RWBY when watching this, "Movie, you're over. Shut the fuck up! No, there is literally nothing else to sing about. You've already had one pointless song dedicated to a side character, any more and the audience is gonna stab their ears out with sharpened platform shoes!", as the two continue singing; "Okay, can someone just give me something really manly here for a second?!", just as the movie cuts to the next scene, "So Sophie's not getting married, but is happy to know she's now getting triple the presents on her birthday, and that finally seems to wrap up our-", before noticing the reprise of Dancing Queen starting; "Oh, Oum! This movie has more endings than The Return of the King!", as the movie shows the credits rolling during the last musical number, "No, I see the credits rolling. That means I can stop. Good! I don't want to see any more of my three aunts partaking in drunken karaoke! And you know what? Neither should you!"
Ruby then gives her overall review of the Mamma Mia movie;
"Even if you're an ABBA fan, this movie is just awful. I've never seen a more pointless reason to use a band's songs. It doesn't further any story, fuel any emotion, or make us understand anything about any of the characters. I don't see how this product could've been saved. In a way, I'm glad the director went on to stronger work, because I don't know how anybody could've pulled this film off in a good way. There are good chick flicks out there, ones that are smart, funny, dramatic, even groundbreaking. This is the nightmare that everybody thinks a chick flick is. And all I gotta say is, thank God better films are coming out with more intelligence and thought, because this is pure shit. But I'll give the movie this. It did make me want to go to Greeceā¦and apologize to everybody there for this film being made."
Ruby ends, "But before I go, I gotta go visit Pyrrha, Nora and Penny for a sec...", getting up and leaving the room to go to the JNPR room, "Hey, guys, whatcha' working on?", to Pyrrha, Nora and Penny, who were all playing a board game.
"Oh, just playing. Nora and Penny have been winning several games, but I still won a couple times.", Pyrrha said.
Nora says, "How did the Mamma Mia movie go?"
"Was it magical? Was it awesome?", Penny anticipates.
Ruby answered, "Not entirely. But it was still a bit good, if it wasn't overflowing with chick flick cliches... I guess Mamma Mia had a bigger fanbase than I thought."
"Sure did.", the short-orange-haired girl nods.
The red-haired huntress says, "I win again!", finishing the board game they're playing.
"Glad you liked it.", smiled the orange-haired robotic girl.
Ruby glads, "Seems like it. Gotta go.", as she left the room but not before bumping into Yang, Blake and Weiss.
Yang's bag of groceries fall on the floor, miraculously not spilling or ruining everything in the bag. The three look at Ruby.
"Sorry?", apologized the leader of team RWBY as Blake and Weiss sigh.
Yang smirked, "How did your movie review go?"
"Good."
"What was it?"
"Mamma Mia."
"Sweet. How was it?"
"Oh, you have no idea.", Ruby rolled her eyes, as she helped her friends with the shopping bags as they enter their dorm room once again.
End of Ruby's Commentary of Mamma Mia!
Up Next: Yang's Commentary of The Master of Disguise
