In this thirteenth non-canon review, Yang reviews one of the worst movies of all existence, The Master of Disguise, while Ruby, Blake and Weiss were hanging out with JNPR.
BEACON
Yang was seen facepalming for a moment before discussing, "To review a bad comedy is one of the toughest things to review. Because there is only so many times you can say, "That's not funny!", and on top of that, only so much that a person like me can take. So...rather than look at this film as a comedy, I'm instead going to look at it as...cinematic suicide. A film that wants to die, and tries everything in its power to die. That way, when I shove it up Dana Carvey's anal passage, I will feel no guilt whatsoever. With that said...The Master of Disguise."
Yang's Commentary of The Master of Disguise (Part 1)
Yang explains, "I call this movie the crowning achievement of failure from production company Happy Madison. This is Adam Sandler's production company that seems to reward the strange phenomenon that despite someone like Sandler having many different talents, he somehow makes millions by insultingly using none of them. And thus, Happy Madison has wanted to help other comedians make money with no identifiable effort whatsoever, and because this has atom-bombed career after career after career. I don't know what they do, maybe it's like one of those Harry Potter Ringwraith ripoffs that just come in and suck out all the funny out of you! And one of those often funny comedians that seem to suffer from Happy Madison's touch of death is Dana Carvey. This was an SNL cast member who had a great talent for impersonation and an all-around upbeat feel to him. He even had a couple of hit movies with his friend Mike Myers in Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2. But his rising star was having trouble finding a solar system to call its own, and a lot of his projects were starting to tank. And whatever measly speck of hope he had left was sodomized and buried when he wrote and starred in this fucking hunk of shit. How bad is it? Well, Rotten Tomatoes has given it 1%. And according to what I hear, a lot of their statistics have a 1% margin of error. That bad, people, that bad! So, let's see why all of...the critic reviews are warranted. This is The Master of Disguise... Really? Just 1%?"
The Master of Disguise
"So we start off with some background text. Oh, wait, this is for a Happy Madison audience. Better read it for them. And apparently they became so good at this, that in 1979, one of the members with the magical art of disguise could transform into a 2002-looking Bo Derek.", Ruby's sister as the Bo Derek-esque person removes the disguise to reveal an old man, "That's James Brolin playing the father of our main character, who is born years later under the name Pistachio Disguisey. Now, you may think that name is fucking ridiculously obvious, but remember again: Happy Madison production. I'm surprised they don't spell everything out by ending them with -ey, so that their audience doesn't get confused.", and figured when she sees the introduction of Dana Carvey's character Pistachio with a very terrible Italian accent, "Of course, the joke is that Pistachio is not very smart. But it's okay. They at least wrote in a boatload of charm for him- Oh, wait, they did not."
The scene continues as Pistachio talks to a young boy as a waiter asked him to do his funny voices and try cheering him up.
Yang asks, "You mean he wasn't already? Oh my Oum, is that gonna be the voice he's gonna use throughout the majority of the movie?! Well, fucking inject me.", resuming the plot, "So Pistachio does one of his many voices for the kid.", before watching Pistachio imitate a scene from Shrek, "Well, to be fair, it wasn't that funny when Shrek did it earlier.", pointing out; "So what you might have figured out early on is that Dana Carvey seems to have the basics of comedy a little backwards. It's not funny voices and faces that makes a character, it's a character that makes funny voices and faces. And this one has little to no identity outside of an over-the-top accent. Even Mario would be shouting racist at him by saying in his Italian accent, 'A-Godfather's meatballs, that is offensive!'", shrugging; "Maybe that's why he can't hold down a girlfriend for two minutes either. That snippet- That's the movie. That's the movie right there. You summed it up in one sentence! How did you do that? Something else Carvey should have picked up is that character is based on investment, and it's hard to be invested in someone who clearly is not invested in anything going on around him, but instead how silly he can make his performance. Take a look at this scene and tell me if Carvey...oh, I'm sorry, the 'incredibly fleshed out Pistachio character', shows any signs of caring when he discovers his mother and father have been kidnapped."
The next part showed Pistachio frantically discovering his parents were kidnapped as his tone of voice in his Italian accent and his emotion remained unchanged and careless.
"Yeah, he just seems more occupied in smiling with his mouth open. I think the music is actually trying harder than he is! The cannoli's a better actor than him right now! I, at least, believe it's a cannoli!", criticized Ruby's sister, the blonde girl seeing the part again with Pistachio in the movie dizzily repeating he doesn't know what to do before fainting; "Yes, go lie down. Being unfunny can take a lot out of you.", summarizing the next scene, "So, they make an Exorcist joke, because...it existed...and he's visited by his grandfather, who says he can help him get his parents back by using the family talent of disguise. Unfortunately, they don't seem able to disguise him as a funny comedian."
Pistachio's grandfather in this scene asked his grandson what happened when the kidnapping happened, slapping him on the face three times to jog his memory of the sound he heard earlier, to which he corrected.
Yang continues, "Here's another big problem...I'm sorry, I hate to pick apart every little bit...but bad comedy has to be understood if it's not to be repeated, which I'm sure this film is gonna do a lot of, anyway. Slapstick is funny because of cause and effect: somewhere in the mix, somebody has to suffer. That's the nature of comedy. Now, you can delay the reaction, or have the reaction happen to somebody else, but bottom line, somebody has to be in some form of misery. Carvey, however, throughout the entire film, just smiles this dumbass smile. If he's not gonna be hurt by any pain, then show the reaction of the confused person trying to hurt him. That would be funny, because they're not getting the reaction they wanted. Or if you're playing with the audience's expectation, give a payoff or at least some understanding that that's what you're trying to do. But nope, dumbass smile, that's all we get.", exampling as she sees a snippet where a customer asks the waiter Pistachio to order some man-sized meatballs, making the latter makes a dumbass smile; "He's always like, 'Dahahaha! If my mouth open makes them laugh on Baby Geniuses, it must make them laugh here!'", reasoning, "Look, that face might entertain your one-year-old for an hour and a half, but, asshole, YOU WERE ON SNL! YOU HAVE TO KNOW MORE THAN THIS!", yelling this as her eyes turned blood red in anger, "I mean, it's like somebody chopping off my head with a sword, and nobody ever having a reaction!", synopsizing, "So if you're wondering why the hell doesn't just Grandpa go and save the parents, well, that's because the ancient book of Disguiseys, which is a pop-up book, says he's not allowed."
The next snippet had Pistachio reading the ancient book of Disguiseys that if a father or mother are missing, the son must become the Master of Disguise to save them without any help from the grandfather.
"But, of course, direct help doesn't include as much help as fucking humanly possible. What, with him training his grandson, giving him all sorts of tools, and sharing everything he knows about disguising. But to be fair, he'll need all the help he can get, as his father is being forced by Brett Spiner (who played as Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation)'s character named Devlin Bowman, to use his disguises to steal priceless artifacts or else he'll kill his wife.", told the blonde huntress, as the scene exampling the latter's villainous character Devlin Bowman offering Pistachio's father to become a master of disguise once again to help him obtain and steal treasures before laughing and suddenly abrupted by a fart three seconds later; Yang snickers, "Okay, I'll give this movie one point for making me laugh at a fart joke. That's actually very difficult to do. It was funny! But thank Oum our heroes are doing more important things, like dressing Carvey up like an...Indian Steve Carell.", she then said.
This scene shows Pistachio disguised as an Indian-looking Steve Carell-like person.
"Good fuck, he's making the guy from Short Circuit look politically correct! That's another totally legit criticism of the movie. You know, do you need me, film? You seem to be doing well on your own.", irritated Yang, "But they better hurry, for Lore is forcing Carvey's father to disguise himself as the only celebrities this movie's budget could afford, tricking people into handing over priceless treasures.", as the next part shown Devlin making another joke to Pistachio's father after one of his planned thefts as the villain laughs before abrupted by another fart eight seconds later; Yang feels annoyed by this; "You know, damn it, movie! You got me to laugh once! You got me to laugh once at a fart joke, a fucking fart joke! And now what do you do? You ruin it! You totally destroy it! You flew too close to the sun in wings of flatulence! Shame on you!", before she commentaried, "So it's decided that the Master of Disguise needs an assistant, so they go ahead and put an ad out for one."
It shows the moment where Pistachio and his grandfather were choosing candidates for their plan to save the former's father, mostly declining all of them.
"And, in answer to your question, I have no idea what's wrong with any of these applicants. Yeah, I really don't know. He just tosses them all out because they think a tracking shot is funny? Maybe like the rest of the film, it assumes it can supply a decent comedy by...supplying no decent comedy.", Ruby's sister Yang designates, "But the kid he comes across earlier turns out to have a steaming hot mother, of course, who also happens to be showing up to apply for the job. So she seems smart, intelligent, and quick on her feet, she might be the perfect candidate. Except for one problem: her butt is too small. ...No, really, that's what they consider a problem in this movie!", as she reacts to a quick snippet of the scene where Pistachio and his grandfather reacts to the woman's butt and spoke in Italian with poor translations, making Yang's jaw drop; "You know...has this actress, Jennifer Esposito, gone on to anything else?", she asked herself before thinking of Rescue Me, Crash, Blue Bloods and The Looney Tunes Show; "Okay, good, so she's doing well, that's good. Um...I'm going to write her an apology card anyway, because, Lord knows, somebody has to apologize to her, saying 'Deepest condolences.' I mean, I-I know it won't make up for it, but, you know, just something to ease the pain...and some chocolates. You know, just something nice to send her, maybe she can just look at it and say 'Hey, maybe it wasn't all that bad, got chocolates'. You know, just, something to uh...just something...and a check, you know, I mean, for Oum's sake, I mean it's, I'm sure she got paid, but whatever she got paid, it wasn't enough. I do feel bad for her.", as she summarized the next part, "So they find a cigar at the scene of the crime that belongs to the Turtle Club. So, what does he do? Dress up like a turtle, of course! Now keep in mind, this is the image that appears the most in all the advertising. The Turtle Guy. This is the character that they like to really push. So, obviously, this is the comedic highlight of the movie. This is what they want you to remember the most. And...how does it go?"
Another part shows Pistachio disguised as a turtle as he and Jennifer go undercover at the Turtle Club, as Yang reacts to the parts with Pistachio's annoying turtle expression.
Yang says, "And it's just that throughout the majority of this scene. Oh, I take that back. There is one moment where he bites a guy's nose off. So there's that, but otherwise, there's nothing going on except him shouting 'Turtle'. I wanna be serious for a moment and I just wanna ask, in all honesty, nothing ironic, no cynicism, just straightforward, man to man...what did you think was going to happen here? What was the mindset? D-d-did you really think that years later, people were going to be looking back, analyzing the...the brilliance of the Turtle scene? How did they do it? 'Turtle scene: Ungodly genius'. So many various levels, in which it works. W-we should hold it up to the great comedic masters that come before us; Who's on First?, Groucho in the Mirror, Lucy and the Chocolates...Fucking Turtle. Of course, naturally. I mean, I believe I actually saw that on Turner Classic Movies when they were analyzing the Brilliant Comedic Writers of any generation.", hesitating, "But for the most part...DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!", before continuing; "So they trace the cigar back to Devlin's place, which, of course, means Pistachio will have to don another disguise.", watching the next scene with Pistachio now disguising as Tony Montana from Scarface before sighing, "Some people live for my misery.
The next snippet shows Pistachio disguising as Tony Montana from Scarface sharing a conversation with Devlin, as the former holds out a shruken head, then speaking a bit gibberish and making lip movements like a sprinkler.
"Ah, yes, continuing the Mike Myers tradition of being so wrapped up in how funny YOU are that you barely even look the other person in the face.", sarcastically said Yang as she continues watching the scene, "You know what, I'm gonna take a two minute break and then go back to reviewing this piece of shit.", before she left off for a bit.
To be continued...
