In this fourteenth non-canon review, team RWBY have watched an animated movie based on James Cameron's Titanic, made from Italy. The four of them plan to review the movie...just as long as they have enough coffee and Strawberry Sunrises with them.

BEACON

The four girls sat on their commentary chairs and the leader of team RWBY started off, "Hello, I'm Ruby."

"I'm Yang."

"I'm Blake."

"And I'm Weiss."

"We remember it so you don't have to.", team RWBY said.

Ruby introduced, "This is a tale about the ship of dreams, about a young boy and a young girl who fall in love, but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disas-"

"Wait, no, that's James Cameron's second-highest grossing film of all time, Titanic.", Yang whispered to Ruby.

"My mistake.", said the red-black-haired girl, clearing her throat; "This is a tale about a ship of dreams, about a young boy and a young girl who fall in love, but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disaster. This...is the story of Titanic...the animated musical."

RWBY's Commentary of Titanic: The Legend Goes On

Yang started, "Now before you say anything, let me answer your very first question: Yes, this is real. Some Italian fart over in Italy decided he wanted to tell his version of how he saw the Titanic, which, of course, is completely different from that other little independent film that came out just a few years earlier. Geez, wonder where we did that before.", referencing their past review of the Italian Alien ripoff, Alien 2: On Earth.

"This charming little version has talking geese, Mexican mice, and we're really not kidding here, A rapping dog. We swear to God that is true; a rapping dog. This film is actually so bad, that a lot of people debate whether or not it actually exists. Copies of it are very hard to find, mostly the easiest ones are only on VHS, and most people who see snippets swear it's just something done by a fifth grader on Adobe Flash!", criticizes Blake.

Weiss proves, "But...here's the DVD to prove it, Titanic. As it says on the back how they embark on the REAL adventures of the Titanic. Oh, yeah! Because all the other stories you've heard weren't the least bit exciting or credible, were they? No, no, no. THIS is the exciting version with what REALLY historically happened on the Titanic...with Mexican mice and a rapping dog. HELLO!"

"Be afraid, my fellow viewers. Be very, very afraid. Let's dive in. No pun intended.", Ruby said, starting their review;

Titanic: The Legend Goes On

The leader of team RWBY states, "So the film is actually called Titanic: The Legend Goes On... Yeah, because that doesn't sound at all like another person's song, does it? The film pretty much plagirizingly stole the song title for the movie's title! ...As the film surprisingly skips ahead a tad to show the actual sinking of the damn ship.", as the four watch the opening scene; "Well, way to give away the ending!"

"You can probably tell from this opening that the animation isn't all that spectacular. We mean, you have one of the greatest disasters of all time happening, and what do they focus on? The people rowing!", says Yang, bizarre; "Uh, they know there's an awe-inspiring cataclysm of death to their right, don't they?"

Blake wonders, "Really? We're…just gonna focus on the rowing here? Why do I get the feeling if this director saw the Hindenburg disaster, he'd probably take a picture of some pretty flowers?! So our first thought was 'Maybe the movie was so bad, that it decided to fast forward to the end and just skip the whole thing'."

"But nope. The story is actually told in flashback... Again, very original...NOT.", amended Weiss, "...As we see our main character named Angelica, who is forced to be a servant to her evil stepmother and two selfish stepsisters. Gee, DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?!", referring about the Disney movie Cinderella.

The silver-eyed leader of team RWBY reacts as they saw the scene with Angelica's stepmother and stepsisters riding a train with her as they act mean towards her, "Well, enough of that scene, we guess. This film's really on the move, apparently, as we jump to the boarding of the infamous ship Titanic. And from the look of half the passengers, you'd swear it was Noah's Ark, boarding two of every lamest animal, especially the racially insensitive ones.", watching the scene with three Mexican mice saying to Hector (a black-white bird boarding the ship) about going back to their home, "One of them must be like, 'I'm Sinking Gonzales, the fastest drowning mouse in all of Meh-hee-coh!'"

"So we see Angelica with her evil stepfamily, as she holds hope that one day she'll find her long-lost mother. Maybe even, we don't know, find her on the stinkin' ship?", figured Ruby's blonde sister, as they saw another scene with Angelica's stepmother and stepsisters picking on her as the latter break a china cup and the former telling Angelica to pick it up, "What the hell? They actually break stuff for her to pick up? That's not evil, that's Tourette's syndrome! Come on, you gotta have some logic!"

The Faunus describes, "We then cut to a family of mice unpacking down below. When did this movie turn into An American Fail? That mouse is like, 'I can't decide on my accent, Momma. Is it Italian? Mexican? French?'", the four watching the scene as the mice in the movie were suddenly chased by a chihuahua named Tiger and an orange cat named Geoffrey, "Well, wait. Who are they?", before a dog named Fritz suddenly chased the chihuahua and cat away, "Wait, wait-huh-wait, huh? What? Who? Hey, w-what?"

"What just happened? Is this movie on speed?", complains the Schnee girl, before they saw Fritz in the movie suddenly starts rapping, "Oh, Oum, this is it.", seeing the dog rap for a bit in the movie before Weiss said, "Wait! Wait. If we're gonna go through this, we want to be prepared.", pulling out two small cups of coffee for her and Blake to drink before she resumes, "All right, continue."

When the Rapping Dog sequence continues, the leader of team RWBY halted, "Wait! Wait. Sorry, this isn't gonna do it.", pulling out two cocktail glasses of non-alcoholic Strawberry Sunrises for her and Yang as they drank it, "Okay.", as the song resumed playing.

"WAIT! Wait! Sorry, We need something a little bit more potent!", Ruby's sister stops one more time before she and Weiss pull out huge bottles of drinks, one being the non-alcoholic Strawberry Sunrise cocktail, and the other being coffee, "Proceed."

Ruby starts off, "So…yeah, this is just as bad as you think it is. We mean, never mind the fact that the dog is wearing a jersey and singing music that won't be developed for several decades, but…what motivates him to do such a thing, anyway? We mean, the mouse said the lead-in line who should've added, 'Yes, thank you. If there's anything we can do to help, just let us know.', and also say when the dog's singing, 'Uh, what are you doing?', then 'Did I at...any point indicate that I wanted a rap number?', and cap it off with 'I'm beginning to regret you saving me.'"

"We mean, forget the ship! THIS is the major disaster the film was building up to! Even if this was meant to be done in modern times, it still would fall flat on its ass! It's like if someone said, 'Hey, kids! Just remember: This Friday is the release of Shit Doggy Dog's latest single, Kibbles and Bitches. Hey, if it's good enough to play on a ship where the majority of passengers died, it's good enough for your five-year-old any day!'", imagined Yang.

Blake continues, "So, if you're actually dumb enough to stay after that scene, we find there's a subplot about two thieves who looks like they're being led by Bea Arthur's crazy aunt. They're being followed by a detective who's apparently been hunting them for quite some time.", when they watched a scene with the introduction of Sam Bradbury (a detective) in the movie, "And a detective, really? We'd never be able to tell. By those clothes, we thought you'd be a plumber...or more like a Sherlock Holmes knockoff."

"So the thieves try to get this one woman's jewels, but are constantly thwarted by a dog who we swear was voiced by Sam Elliott, who is like, 'I'm talking about the dude here'; that saying is from The Big Lebowski.", Weiss condensed, "They try again later, though, to sneak into the woman's room and rob her blind.", although the next scene was awkwardly edited and paced that the two robbers Kirk and Dirk were sneaking around the woman's room before a fight ensues, "Well, why is there a…Who? W-Wait, what?! Where did—W-Who…w-wait, what?! Huh?"

The leader of team RWBY exasperated, "WHAT IS GOING ON? Can't this movie just pick a scene and develop it?! It's like The Comedy of Errors, except they forgot to tell us what the errors are!", recapping, "After that, we jump to yet ANOTHER subplot about a rich teenage boy named William, who's traveling with his...nanny?", when seeing a scene in the movie where William was talking with his nanny, "Uh, isn't he a little old to be having a nanny? I mean, what age does he have puberty? 35? He's like, 'By God, I'm so delightfully bland.'", noticing when the nanny wonders if her little girl has a proper education, "Ohh, how about that? She lost a daughter years ago! Gee, I do wonder how this is all gonna end. It's just throwing me on so many loops! He goes outside to do…blandish things...when he bumps into Angelica. From there, it's contrived love at first sight."

"He's like, 'I'm so…spontaneously attracted to you. You're the only person on this ship that has more lip collagen than I have.'", said Ruby's sister Yang when William in the movie met Angelica, "So as you can tell, this is just a role reversal of the other Titanic movie, except instead of a rich girl and a poor boy, it's a rich boy and a poor girl. By the Gods, we hope that means she doesn't want to draw him nude.", as they saw William tell his nanny in the scene after about how he met Angelica, "He can add, 'She only said one sentence to me. But it was so… non-fragmented, that I know that she has to be the one!'"

The black-haired Faunus conjectures, "So, will this couple meet again? You bet your poor plotlines, they do, as William comes across a little girl who lost her ball, who's like, 'Waaaaaaaah! I lost my ball! This is the worst possible thing that could happen to me on this trip!'. But no offence.", continuing the story, "While down there, he comes across Angelica again, as the two seem to…um...hit it off, we guess, where William was like, 'Now, get in the bag before I stab you repeatedly!'"

"So, even though they share a whopping seven sentences with each other, they know they are destined for one another. William asks if he'll see her at the reception that night. But there's one tiny problem...Angelica has nothing to wear. Luckily, one of the passengers has an outfit for her to borrow. JUST LIKE THAT OTHER MOVIE!", discusses the Schnee girl as they watch the snippet in the film where the character Veronica, when she finds the blue dress, says she hasn't worn it since Francis took her to the opera; "She could say, 'I'm lying, of course. I stole it.', but it wouldn't work if they put that in."

"Meanwhile, we cut to the animals, who seem to be getting into more trouble, as they search for that blue locket that Angelica lost that doesn't IN ANY WAY RESEMBLE- Oh, fuck it, you know the drill.", suspired Ruby, "It's incredible how much these animals have no defining character. In fact, they barely even talk! They just make random grunts and sounds half the time. In other words, SAY SOMETHING!", continuing, "So they get the locket back and return it to its rightful owner, just in time for her to be the belle of the ball.", as this next scene showed Angelica and William in the movie waltzing as a song called Holding Me played.

Yang, although she swooned to the song, pointed out; "For some reason, they have a flashback to all the times they've been together. Yeah, all two of them. So as you could imagine, there's not much to really show in this flashback! In fact, aren't we already in a flashback? Did Angelica, while rowing on the boat, suddenly flashback to William's flashback while she was flashing back? It's like this movie has ADD. Didn't the animators have any Ritalin?"

"It's like if she said to him, 'I'm a man.', and then he says, 'Oops! Gotta go!'. Would be strange, although I myself am a masculine lesbian towards Weiss.", shuddered Blake, earning a kiss from Weiss on the cheek for acknowledging her girlfriend, who then says as they saw William finally kiss Angelica for the first time; "Case you're wondering why she put her hands up without her gloves, she must've said, 'And please don't ask me where my green gloves went. I'm sure they'll just magically appear in the next scene.'", as Angelica's gloves were back on the next shot when her stepmother calls her, "'Oh! There they are.'"

Weiss told, "So the animals go back down below to celebrate…the fact that there's nothing to celebrate. Maybe the fact that William and Angelica are in love...? That love counts as causing celebratory reactions? Maybe that's the reason.", theorizing this.

The four then react to the mexican mice singing a Mexican-esque celebration song the other animals dance and party along to, dancing along in their chairs.

"Look this stock footage-o, this plot is muy stupid-o, It makes absolute no sense-o, This song is muy racist-o! Arriba!", team RWBY sung as they continue dancing in their chairs to the Mexican mice's song from the film, before Ruby summarizes, "So we know what you're thinking, 'What's taking that iceberg so long, anyway?'", as it shows a ship crew member yelling an iceberg is ahead, "Ah, there it is! Just pray to God it doesn't have a song to sing, too. So the ship starts sinking, as this constant use of the same scenes played over and over indicates, as the brave, fearless crew tries to get rid of all the water WITH BUCKETS!"

Yang issued as her eyes turned red in anger, "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! EVEN GILLIGAN WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING SO STUPID!", exampling, "Look at this! They're not even throwing the water overboard! They're just throwing it at the ship! What the hell? It's like the crewmen were like, 'Hey, everybody, it's a splash fight! Oh, I'm gonna get you wet! Come on! Whoo-hoo! You're gonna get splishy-splashy!'"

"So William goes down to the lower quarters to get his beloved Angelica. But as we all know from history, the third-class passengers are trapped down below, unable to esca-", taught Blake, before the four see in this scene where when William comes down to reunite with Angelica, who was trapped down with the other third-class passengers as they seemingly couldn't get the gates open, as the gates suddenly break when the passengers barging through it, surprising RWBY; "Oh, that's nice. You just ripped through pure metal like it was a waffle. Totally inaccurate.", resuming, "So the two are reunited as they try to get out on one of the lifeboats.", as Angelica in the movie tells William her promise to be with him again as the passengers were evacuating, "In that case, William should reply, 'I might be a little dead-ish when you see me. I hope that doesn't bother you.'"

Weiss outlines, "So Angelica manages to get off on one of the lifeboats as she watches in horror the sinking of innocent humanity. But at least they're not above serving a little humor into this situation!", as the girls see Kirk and Dirk in the movie making funny faces at the little girl from earlier, "Hilarious! Makes us totally forget that hundreds of people are drowning and freezing to death. This is the funny horrendous sinking movie... No, it it's not!"

"So we cut back to the Titanic, as we see the young William...break a window. Why is he doing that? We saw clearly before there's a door he could exit out of. Maybe he just hates poorly constructed glass work, who must be like 'How dare they use casement window designs! It's so last century!'", Ruby expressed, "So William...escapes the evil window as he grabs a small child to protect while the ship finally sinks into the abyss. And just how bad is this horrible sight? It actually makes the dalmatians cry.", overreacting afterwards, "NO! Not the dalmatians! We'll take the deaths of all the men, women and children, but a single tear down a puppy dog's face? THAT'S SIMPLY TOO MUCH!"

Yang calms her sister down and comforted, "Hey, at least the rapping dog didn't make it.", watching the scene where William saves a young boy as the ship breaks in half and sinks entirely into the sea, "You know, for kids!", and also another scene with William trying to call for help as he survives the disaster and grabs onto a floating crate with the young boy safely with him, "Ah, yes, because as history clearly tells us, all the lifeboats came back to rescue the passengers. God, this is so educational...not..."

"But there is some good news on this maiden voyage of death. It turns out that Angelica has finally found her real mother, on the same fucking boat within the same fucking ship. What are the odds?", predicamented Blake as Angelica said to her real mother (the nanny) in the movie, saying she thought she'd never abandon her, "She can add, 'You just...leave me behind with no way to contact or locate you for the rest of my life. That's what a real mother would do.'"

Weiss pondered, "But what about poor William? Did he survive the fatal sinking?", as the movie shows a blonde man seemingly on a wooden crate (supposedly William), as the lifeboat passengers rescue him; yet it isn't William, instead being an unconscious Sam Bradbury (the detective) from earlier; "If I was an officer in the movie, I'd say, 'Move along. Leave him for the fishes.'"

"Well, at least the animals made it out alive. And again, the rapping dog didn't make it. Good, the survivors are gonna need something to eat on their way back to shore.", mentions the red-black-haired leader of team RWBY before the girls saw dolphins arriving in the scene to the animals' delight, "Oh, look! The dolphins are helping them out, too. This is the happiest of God-slaughters ever!"

Ruby's sister says as the girls saw a seemingly-recycled scene of Angelica and the other lifeboat passengers (including Sam) in the film finding another blonde man on a wooden crate (definitely William this time), "Seriously? It's like the director is saying, 'Oh, no! We're so close to William, and yet we're running out of animation! Throw all the other clips from the movie together! Quickly, go, go, go! Use all that stock footage! Use it to all your might!'", as this part had Sam and Angelica finally getting William onto the lifeboat, "Finishing off with, 'Cutting corners has saved us again.'"

"So William and Angelica get back together as they kiss in front of the sunrise. Oh, how charming.", The black-haired Faunus assumed at the movie's climax, "And that was Titanic: The Legend Goes-", but she and the girls were interrupted when they heard Maxie (the mouse in the movie)'s voice as he said the movie wasn't over and wanted the viewers to know what happened to everyone else, "We kind of assumed they've drowned. End of story?", saying this with hints of sarcasm.

When Maxie narrates that the characters in the movie (except the rapping dog) all lived happily ever after and both Angelica and William get married at the end before saying goodbye, the Schnee girl incensed, "HAPPILY EVER AFTER?! What the hell is wrong with you?! This isn't a postcard! This is the sinking of the fucking Titanic! If they wanted to be really faithful, they would've said, 'Kirk and Dirk got married to the evil stepsisters, William and Angelica married, as well as adopted the two Dalmatians, and over 1,500 died in one of the world's largest and most tragic disasters. See you soon!'"

"Where did this movie come from? What idiotic brainmash could so effectively miss the tragic center of the Titanic disaster?!", Ruby exclaimed.

Team RWBY say their overall review of Titanic: The Legend Goes On;

"Our guess is somebody just saw the James Cameron blockbuster and didn't realize it was based on a real tragic event. They probably just thought it was a fairy tale, so they put their half-assed version together, thinking to themselves, 'You know what this collection of human misery needs? A rapping dog!' There's a reason so many people don't believe this movie exists, because quite frankly, we don't WANT to believe it exists. It's so horrible that we, as human beings, don't want to believe that we created it."

"And, with the help of...", Ruby states, pulling out another big glass of Strawberry Sunrise while Weiss pulls out another big cup of coffee, "...these drinks here, I might just be able to make that dream come true. I'm Ruby..."

"I'm Yang..."

"I'm Blake..."

"And I'm Weiss."

"We remember it so you don't have to!", team RWBY said, leaving the dorm room with their drinks and finishing their review.

End of RWBY's Commentary of Titanic: The Legend Goes On

Up Next: Ruby and Yang's Commentary of The King and I