In this sixteenth non-canon review, Blake and Weiss review another one of the most romantic fairytale animated films of all time, The Swan Princess (directed by Richard Rich, although it's right after Ruby and Yang did another Richard Rich film, The King and I), which was considered to be one of the most underrated animated films ever made back then.

BEACON

"Hello, I'm Blake..."

"...and I'm Weiss."

"We both remember it so you don't have to.", both of them said.

Blake considered, "An animated film that isn't The Iron Giant?", scoffing, "We'd be sold!"

Blake and Weiss' Commentary of The Swan Princess (Part 1)

Blake told, "We honestly think from day one, me and Weiss have been planning to watch this film, and later to review this movie. All thanks to our beautiful romantic date night.", saying this romantically as she cuddles with Weiss, "While we don't know anyone that saw the 1994 adaptation of Swan Lake as the worst thing ever, it does carry this awkwardness that just enough people saw it to make a dozen more direct-to-DVD awkwardnesses. It also helped that the movie, at the time, was very well advertised. Every other kids' show had a commercial for this playing in between, but also keep in mind that at the time the only animation studio making any kind of profit back then was Disney."

"And just the same way Disney re-released The Little Mermaid for a limited time when Anastasia posed a threat, guess what movie only five months after its premiere they decided to re-release on the exact same day? The Lion King! Highest-grossing movie Disney's ever made at the time! What lousy luck! What are the chances we just happened to re-release this film on the exact same weekend?", perplexed Weiss, "That company's a monster sometimes. But who can blame them?"

The Faunus explains, "But after it went to video, kids were still kinda curious whether or not there was anything worth watching in it. The answer? Well, let's take a look for ourselves! This is The Swan Princess."

The Swan Princess

"The film opens up once upon every fairy tale backwash as an old king awaits the birth of his first child.", said Weiss as they watch a scene where the king presents his newborn child to a crowd of people similar to The Lion King, "Man, the king must be doing his Lion King interpretation like, 'Here's to the assumption that her mother died in birth!', and the crowd would cheer with unenthusiasm!", saying afterwards, "Many come from across the land to visit the newborn three-year-old and the king forms a plan with a queen from another kingdom to play matchmaker with their kids. But an evil sorcerer named Rothbart...whose name is so strange I need more time to think of a proper joke for it...apparently has other plans."

Blake acted as the movie's narrator when the two watch over the scene where said narrator was describing Rothbart's plot to take over King William's kingdom by the use of the Forbidden Arts as it shows him and his hag henchman, "The narrator should also say about Rothbart's use of the Forbidden Arts, '...through the evil leprechaun magic of pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, and blue diamonds. They're magically diabolical.'", continuing; "Though his scheme is stopped, our villain, played by the late Jack Palance, swears his life to get revenge. Who we swear we expect him to say, 'You are my number one guy!'", summarizing, "So a young Odette and a young Derek are forced to hang out with each other. But, as is typical of any 90's romance, they, of course, have to hate each other throughout the majority of the process."

"Honestly, I wish we were those two in the movie. What if you were Derek and I was Odette? I mean, it would be similiar but without all this swan stuff for the movie's majority. And it would be absolutely beautiful... Who knows, only alternate universes will tell.", said Weiss as Blake kissed her neck making her girlfriend giggle, seeing the beginning of the musical sequence This is My Idea in the movie when the young Derek sung about Odette, "Now, to its credit, the fact that they're bitter kids does make this scene work a little better, and, yeah, it's actually kind of a cute number. That is, when they're not obviously ripping off other Disney trademarks. Like...", clearing her throat as they watched a scene with Derek and his friend Bromley (similar to LeFou), "Beauty and the Beast!", then clears her throat again when a shot over a village was shown, "Pinocchio!", and clearing her throat for a final time when they saw the adult Derek and Odette dance as the ballroom transforms into a pink background, "So obviously Sleeping Beauty, we can't believe you're ripping off Sleeping Beauty! Have you no shame?"

The Faunus clarifies clarifies, "But then, quite literally out of nowhere, they suddenly love each other. Again, I guess like most 90's romances.", with the movie showing Derek in his young adult age seeing the beautiful Odette and singing about how she started out as such an ugly duckling before suddenly becoming a swan, "Oh, now isn't that a charming lesson? Years of hate and abuse are fine in a relationship as long as your sexual urges deem your partner a sweet piece of ass.", all while Blake looks at her, smiling; "Hey, it worked in Meg Ryan films and she turned out just fine! Don't do what they do in Meg Ryan films!", just before Derek announces to everyone to arrange the marriage for him and Odette, "Arrange the marriage? They've been arranging it practically since you were a sperm!"

When both girls watch over the scene where Odette sadly refused to marry Derek as the latter asks what else is there for her (causing Lord Rogers to give a thumbs-down and makes a buzzer noise) as the scene transits to King William and Odette leaving, the Schnee girl saying, "He'd be like, 'Wait! Wait, I know this one! Um, I can put my dick in you! Uh, you're sizzling arm candy! Um, you're a means to my incredibly shallow end!'", nodding after they saw another snippet when Derek's mother, Queen Uberta, was disappointed by how it turned out, "Yes, the parents should be very upset that a couple who hated each other, yet were forced to be together, still end up hating each other. Clearly, this is all the children's fault.", reasoning, "Look, she makes my hose jump, okay? It's the middle ages. Love is like an appetizer, good to start out with but not essential."

Blake describes the next part of the movie, "But little do they know that Rothbart, which is like the sound you make when you hiccup and belch, turns into an evil animal and takes Odette away, as Derek arrives on the scene.", when the two watch the part where Derek finds the fatally-wounded King William as the latter tells him a great animal had stolen Odette and caused the catastrophe, "The king must be like, 'We're not Disney! No matter how hard we try to make it look, we'll never be Disney!'", as the prince asked Odette's wounded father where she is and he replies that she's gone, "Well, I know she's Odette, but that doesn't answer my question.", before Derek in the movie, after the king dies, yells out Odette's name in agony; "He could add, 'I will forever miss your beauty and nothing else!'"

"So we discover that the evil Rothbart, which sounds like a gay porno with the lead singer of Van Halen, has kidnapped Odette and has whisked her away to the horrible...devastating...prettiest evil lair banishment can buy...?", confused Weiss as the two saw the next part where Rothbart and his hag henchman taken Odette (who is now a swan) to his lair, which was a beautiful moonlit lake near the castle, "Why the fuck does he want the king's land? He's living in a resort by Thomas Kinkade, or maybe a similar resort by my Schnee family back at Atlas!", continuing, "So he turns her into a swan, but apparently, the moonlight only on the lake can change her back to normal. He also reveals that the confession of one's true love is the only thing that will stop the transformation."

The Faunus responded when the both of them saw the part where Rothbart tells Odette about his evil plans to rule her father's kingdom and marry her, to which the princess declined; but when he tells her she'll be a swan again when the moonlight in the lake disappears before daylight comes, she breaks down; "Wow. I mean...wow. You've been waiting over, what...10 years...to put this plan together, and that's...that's your big magnum opus that you finally scrounged up? It's just that...we need to get this out as quickly as possible because there are just too damn many to go through... So, without further ado, everything wrong with this plan, here we go!", starting off; "If she did agree, what's to stop her from changing her mind after the spell is broken?"

"If Odette is a swan, what's to stop her from flying away and communicating with someone by writing in the sand?", asked the Schnee girl.

"If he wants to marry her legally, why doesn't he just hypnotize her to say yes? And the only way to break the spell is a person confessing their love. Why? Seems counterproductive to the plan."

"And what's to stop her in human form from sneaking up behind him and knocking the fucker out?"

"Is there really no law to marrying banished people? Kinda seems like a no-brainer. And he disappears in the day doing nothing. Why doesn't he do something?"

"Couldn't he threaten someone she loves to force her to marry him? She doesn't really have an incentive."

"If he can change anyone into anything, why doesn't he change anyone into anything? He can make himself look like the king. He can make someone else look like Odette. There's a million other ways around this...", Blake finished before saying, "Well, that crosses off all the things that are wrong with this plan. Let's move on.", resuming; "So Derek tests his skills by having an arrow shoot at him. One can only hope this leads to a Saint Sebastian homage."

Weiss watches the part where Bromley, wearing armor and having an apple on top of his head during training, shoots an arrow as Derek catches it, quickly shooting it at the apple on his head, "Uh, yeah...can we get the judges' take on that? Legolas, Katniss and Hawkeye would say bullshit on that. That's what I think. Even for a fantasy aimed at 2-year-olds, that's pretty fucking stupid. But he also practices his hunting skills on some of his servants. And sadly, it's not as violent as you would think."

"Come on, Weiss. I gotta say his archery was a bit badass. But for the most part, five episodes of Animaniacs were given up to bring us this.", considered the Faunus as they saw Derek training and chasing his servants, shooting arrows at them before the two of them saw the servants dressing themselves as animals for the prince's training whilst singing the song Practice, Practice, Practice; "...Is this really warranting of a song? Do these characters we've never seen before and won't see again demand a musical interpretation of their emotional struggle? Well, something you'll discover is remember how even though it was kinda corny, the child characters were distinct, memorable, and even surprisingly enjoyable? Well, that was before they remembered 'Oh, yeah! We're Diet Disney! Anything that was different and unique has to be tossed out for one calorie of the enjoyment!' Because of this, Odette and Derek have little to no personality from this point on."

The Schnee girl also pointed out, "Yeah. See how expressive they are? See how funny they are? See how different from any other animated film at the time they seem to be? Chuck it. Now watching our characters is like seeing an unsalted cracker propose to a sheet of sandpaper. Nothing stands out about them at all, and that somehow is supposed to make you care about them. So, to make up for how incredibly boring they are, they give all the colorful songs to hastily rushed comic relief that serve no purpose whatsoever in the story. Like, the Coach Servants song which is also the Women We Know Aren't Gonna Marry Derek so There's No Purpose to Them at All song, Princesses on Parade, which indeed sounds pretty good to be honest and the Chamberlain sings like Michigan J. Frog; and of course, a song so desperate to be popular they named they named it after a dying 90's T-shirt franchise, No Fear. Not that we're complaining."

"That last song by the way is sung by Diet Disney comic relief as well. One is a frog, voiced by John Cleese, doing a godawful Lumiere impression.", Blake said, as the two watch a snippet of the movie where Jean-Bob spoke in a French accent similar to Lumiere, "We don't know. We like his other French take better. His Monty Python take was more funnier than this.", cutting to another character, "And an upbeat old turtle, voiced by...are you serious, Steven Wright?! Okay, you dumbasses that put a Brit as a Frenchman, I'm not against this guy as an actor at all. Far from it. We're sure he can be great, but you have to put a fitting voice with a fitting character. You see, the turtle is usually smiling, always getting involved, and feels a constant need to help people. Would you choose this guy for that? He's the only actor who can completely not try for a role and you would never know the difference. Unless your character is called Depressy Duck or Suicidal Salamander, it's not gonna work!"

Weiss responded as she and Blake see the part where Odette tells Jean-Bob that she must kiss the man she loves yet the frog knows he must make a vow of everlasting love and Odette says he must prove it to the world, "Prove it to the world? Wow. That's a pretty egotistical spell you got there. Don't a lot of Hollywood couples try that and does it usually turn out very good for them?", before a love song, Far Longer Than Forever, starts in the movie; "But, hey, that would be indicating that this movie knows nothing about real love, and hell, we all know that's not true. Take this scene where our couple sings about how much they love one another, even though they left on bad terms, called off a wedding, 90% of what we saw convinces us why they shouldn't be together and absolutely nothing about them has changed at all."

"Uh...true love?", the Faunus supposed, "Yeah, there's nothing in this movie outside of one look where they ever share any chemistry. Remember when Odette wants Derek to say something he likes about her aside from her beauty? The more we think about it, we're siding with him. What else is there? Nothing stands out about you two that makes you interesting at all. If this movie can't explain what else about them is supposed to be unique, why should the characters? Disney developed more onscreen charisma with characters that you only knew for a few days. You guys had a fucking childhood to develop their romance and you still ended up botching it. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

Weiss commented, "So Derek is bound to figure out what the king's last words meant by the Great Animal, 'It's not what it seems.'", with her and Blake watching the part where Derek tells his friend Bromley about the Great Animal and how it can change form and shape, "Okay, I guess that's a clue, but what're you gonna do about it? Well, they go around to random animals, any fucking random animals, and just start shooting at them. Heck, he even goes after Odette trying to avenge Odette.", seeing the next scene where Derek tries to kill Odette as a swan.

"What the fuck is wrong with these people?! This is both stupid and insane! Even the McCarthy trials weren't quite this ludicrous! I mean, do they have any brain cells in them?! Any logical thinking?! I mean, it makes no fucking sense! Anyone could be the Great Animal! We could be the Great Animal!", Blake ranted, sighing; "I'm sorry, we're gonna take a break. We'll be right back.", as she and Weiss left the room for a short break.

To be continued...