In this seventeenth non-canon review, team RWBY watch and review what appears to be ANOTHER animated ripoff of James Cameron's Titanic, also made from Italy. What's even worse is that the movie seems to be actually much worse than the first film they've seen. They're gonna need bigger coffee and Strawberry Sunrise drinks...
BEACON
It was a special costume party for the academy that day.
That day, Ruby was wearing a gen:LOCK costume, Yang was wearing a Red vs. Blue costume, Blake was wearing a Nomad of Nowhere costume, and Weiss was wearing a Camp Camp costume, all of them relating to other Rooster Teeth animated shows.
The four of them entered their dorm room, still wearing their costumes, happy after they had their costume party.
"That was great, Ruby! The costume party was indeed a great success today. Beacon sure does host a lot of fun events. But I can't get over the fact Pyrrha, Nora, Jaune and Ren had all done Laser Team costumes today.", Yang told her younger sister when they went in their dorm room.
Ruby smiled at her elder sister, "First of all, their costumes were pretty good. Considering that team CRDL had unfortunately won at the costume party, our costumes look pretty good, all and the same."
"So, what movie are we planning to watch today?", Blake asked, pondering on the next movie they're hoping to review.
Weiss agrees, "Yeah. Just recently we did The Swan Princess. What's next?"
"Well, we just finished The King and I, as well as The Swan Princess. Let's see what's on the selections today...", the leader of team RWBY told, scrolling through the DVDs of the previous two movies they reviewed, before unveiling what appeared to be a bootleg DVD, which shocks the four of them.
It was called The Legend of the Titanic.
Ruby said in horror, "There's...another? It can't be! We reviewed it already!", as she then fell on her knees and shouted in agony, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Yes?", snickered Ruby's sister, albeit that she was still shocked about it with Blake and Weiss.
RWBY's Commentary of The Legend of the Titanic (The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie)
Ruby and Yang disappointed as the two, Blake and Weiss remove their costumes and back to their casual huntress outfits, "Yes, ladies and gentlemen. It appears there's another feature length rip-off of James Cameron's Titanic. We can't believe we live in a universe where two of these exist. And you'd think that'd be bad enough. But, if you can possibly comprehend this, it is actually worse than the other version."
"Yes, there is actually something out there and we know it's hard to believe, but this actually is more terrible than the rapping dog!", Blake and Weiss supported, "So, what abomination of Hell could possibly make it into the human world?", before the four of them bringing out the same huge bottles of coffee and Strawberry Sunrises from their previous Titanic review, "Let's find out."
The Legend of the Titanic
The leader of team RWBY starts off, "So, strangely enough, this version also focuses on talking mice that snuck aboard the Titanic. You mean somebody actually found it necessary to RIP OFF THE RIPOFF?! But actually this ripoff came out BEFORE the other ripoff so the other ripoff actually ripped off this ripoff. Moving on.", commenting; "It turns out that an old sailor mouse is telling his grandkids what REALLY happened the day the Titanic sunk.", the movie showing the mouse Connors (as a grandfather) telling his young mouse children that the missing people from the Titanic disaster weren't actually missing.
"Really!? So that's how you're starting this movie out- By saying the hundreds of people that died on the Titanic didn't really die on the Titanic?", questioned Ruby's sister, as the four then look at their big bottles of coffee and Strawberry Sunrise cocktails, before they grab them and threw them which resulted in glass breaking; they then call someone with Yang saying, "Yeah. Bring it in.", looking outside to see two GIANT 50-foot bottles of coffee and Strawberry Sunrises that landed somewhere safe on the academy's perimeters! Yang resumes, "Proceed."
The Faunus replied when the grandfather mouse in the movie told his children he is about to tell his long story about his experiences on the Titanic, "Yes, please do! My curiosity for this story that involves everyone surviving one of the biggest disasters in the world is really quite fucking piqued!", synopsizing, "So, of course, we go into a flashback that shows Grandpa as a much younger mouse who was a sailor on the Titanic. But hey, if having a flashback isn't similar enough to that other film, what do you say we have an exact shot replica for the reveal of our leading lady."
"This is Rose. We mean Rose. We mean Rose! We mean...Elizabeth. She's excited to be on Titanic except for one tiny little detail. She has to marry a man that she doesn't love. Yeah, SOUND...FUCKING...FAMILIAR?!", the Schnee girl ranted, refering about Billy Zane's antagonistic character in Titanic.
Ruby added, "Though, to be fair, even though Billy Zane was basically a cartoony bad guy, they at least tried to make him look like a civilized gentleman. Here, they just slapped on an eye patch, an evil mustache, and anything else that would make him look like a James Bond villain. That or the boss from Harvey Birdman.", the four seeing the part where Elizabeth told her father that she rather die than marry the man he arranged for her yet her father objects her opinion and how he simply wants what's best for her, "He could add, 'And if we say that the best for you is the worst for you, then it's the best for you.'"
"But at least the stuff with the cute little talking mice will be fun, right? Wrong! All these mice do throughout most of the movie is talk about ship protocol. Yeah, ship protocol! Isn't that exciting?", problematically said Yang, as the four of them watch a long scene where all the mice characters were listening to a mouse captain who explains about ship protocol, interacting with two of the main mouse characters, "Hey, remember when we used to just sneak aboard and eat shit? Can we go back to those days?", resuming, "So Elizabeth comes across a group of gypsies led by Tuxedo Mask here, who tells his dog to try and get Elizabeth's attention."
As the next snippet showed a dog taking Elizabeth's glove and gave it to a handsome caped man who would become Elizabeth's love interest in the story, Blake said, "He would've told his dog, 'You idiot! I told you to get her necklace! What kind of stupid mutt are you?'", before the girls saw the caped man examine the glove and smelled it in euphoria, "...Well, you suddenly got creepy.", the attendant with the caped man in the film telling the docking officer (who has told him that his dog wasn't allowed on board) that he was addressing Don Juan Tenorio Geriate Gonzalez Leon, the prince of Andalucia.
"Goddamn! Who goes around with six names? Oh, and we have to add prince to that, too? Yeah, fuck it. We're calling him Joe. Don Juan can be an alternative.", Weiss responded to that part, summarizing, "So even though they established that the dog has no owner, the dog is still allowed on , wait. After he pees on him first. Downright gross, but it's worth a try for humor."
The leader of team RWBY mocked as the next part showed Don Juan's dog coming onboard with his owner and the attendant, the officer scolding to the dog that he'll get him for peeing on him, "I believe the officer is like, 'Oh, it's not like I can just go up there and get you for that! I'll just throw my hat, that'll teach you! ...Oh, it landed on the dog. I guess there's nothing else it really would have done. ...Oh, now I hate my hat, I hate my hat so much! Oh, my motivations are so confusing!", making fake drowning sounds as she and her other teammate friends laugh at her improv dialogue, before continuing, "So after leaving the town of genetic clones... We're not kidding! Look! Look! ...We then see our villain named Maltravers Everard talk about his plans as a whaler.", watching the next scene where Maltravers tells his henchmen about how he plans to have the Duke grant him the exclusive worldwide whaling rights and his henchmen saying if he marries Elizabeth, he would get his hands on all of the Duke's fortune.
"Exposition, exposition, rush it out ASAP...", sang Yang's sister sarcastically to this part, nevertheless continuing as they watch the scene over; "I think we just saw the meeting for how this movie got greenlighted.", summarizing, "So we get one of those phoned-in CGI shots of the ship as the captain discusses what he's going to do for the evening.", as the captain tells his friend Mr. Craig to remind him of any problems that would lie ahead, "'Oh, you mean like, Iceberg right ahead?', I thought that's what he would say."
The Faunus then sighs as the four see the next snippet where it focuses on the mice characters again, "Oh, good. Our mousey friends got away from the rest of the team. I guess that means there's not going to be any more ship proto...COL!", as the movie then showed the mouse captain telling more of the ship protocol rules to the mouse passengers, "Yeah, whatever. Just sing There Are No Cats in America from An American Tail. That would be pretty nice.", synopsizing, "But eventually, they do get away from the group, and they see what's going on in the first class quarters.", the next excerpt of the movie showing Connors and his friend Ronnie looking at Elizabeth in the first class dining room, the latter saying he would dream of Elizabeth romantically as the former tells him he was different from her since he was a mouse and she was a human, with the latter proving that he seemingly isn't a racist.
"What?!", surprised the Schnee girl, having heard the word racist in the film, "Did we really just take a situation with two mice, a young woman, and somehow come out with racism? How do you do that? That doesn't make any sense besides romantic interspecies implications!", explaining, "First of all, it's not racism as much as species...-ism. Second, why is he fantasizing about a human female? Don't we have enough weird fetishes already with that crazy glove-smelling fucktard? Let's keep the oddness to a minimum."
Ruby sensed, "Spoke too soon.", before heeding a warning as they watch a scene where Elizabeth was at the stern of the ship, crying as one of her tears fell from her face and landed on a dolphin on the waters below, "Just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder, things couldn't possibly get more fucked up, take a gander at this!", the scene then showing the dolphin can now speak to Elizabeth much to her surprise, the dolphin explaining that she can understand them thanks to a net of magic moonbeams that caught her tears when they fell into the water, as the dolphin floats in mid-air to reach stern level, adding a bit of magic of their own and casting the spell.
Horridly stunned, Team RWBY grimaced at this part.
"...Pardon?", the black-red-haired huntress asked after clearing her throat, "Okay. Am we dreaming this? We really must be dreaming this. We really can't comprehend this...at all. At all. We mean, okay. We now have magic dolphins who apparently can fly because...well, how the hell else are they staying up there so long...who can suddenly talk to her because her Rainbow Brite tears caused some moonbeam bullshit, and now, everything's coming up Dr. Dolittle. As long as Talk to the Animals isn't spontaneously sung in this movie, it wouldn't be worse at this point."
Yang spoke, "But, sure. Why not? Okay, you can talk to dolphins now, arguably one of the most intelligent creatures on the entire planet. So, what exactly are you gonna say to them?", the movie showing Elizabeth telling the dolphin her wish to become a dolphin like them, "That's great, young lady. That's great. You wish you were a dolphin. It's wonderful.", giggling before snapping, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE WATCHING?!", her eyes turning blood red in fury.
"Okay. For the sake of argument, let's say that you stayed in the theater after you saw this scene! What exactly are they gonna do with this revelation?", Blake said to this part, the dolphin in the movie explaining the whaling threat that's been happening, "I'm sorry, WHICH STORY ARE WE WATCHING?! The love story? The ship? The mice? The whales? What is the focus?! You can't just throw this incredibly bizarre bullshit at us and just expect us to go along with it! I mean, it's like saying, 'Hey, the Titanic wasn't destroyed by an iceberg. It was an evil gang of underwater sharks who are in cahoots with the evil whaler'!", but not before the next snippet showed a criminal-like shark telling Maltravers' henchman that he and his cronies are ready for their next move.
Team RWBY's jaws drop in shock.
Weiss apologizes, "I'm sorry. I need to drop something.", as she picks up a glass of water and shatters it by dropping it on the ground.
"I JU...GA...I...DA...YOU CAN'T...HUH...YOU REALLY...I...WHA...I...JU...GE...JU...UH...OOOHHH...!", Team RWBY flabbergasted as they were about to burst in anger, before they calm down all of a sudden.
The white-haired girl told calmly, "We're sorry. We can't get through this in one sitting. If you'll excuse us, we've gotta take the occasional break to look at ourselves in the mirror and cry."
The next moment, Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss each took turns looking in the bathroom mirror in sadness and agony whilst crying on the inside, having tears fall down from their faces as they look at their reflections, before the four go back to reviewing the rest of the movie.
"...On we go.", Weiss resumed when they return to their commentary seats.
The leader of team RWBY continues, "So, why can the bad guys communicate with the criminal underwater shark gang? We don't know. It's never explained. Maybe he got some of that moonbeam bullshit from a crack dealer or something. But as of now, he doesn't want them to destroy the ship just yet. He just wants them to stay close. But luckily, it seems that magic also seems to work with mice, as Elizabeth can suddenly understand them now, too.", the film exampling Elizabeth meeting the two main mouse characters, who plan to foil Maltravers Everard's plans and save the whales.
"Yes. Now that they're on your side, I'm sure you'll have a breadcase- I mean, a great case to go up against your father. She would be like, 'Father, I know you want me to marry that man, but I've been talking with the dolphins and mice, and they agree that it's not the right thing to do!', and then all of a sudden, she gets thrown in an asylum! I'll put it aside since coming to think of it would be too dark.", Ruby's blonde sister complicated.
The Faunus remarked, "But Elizabeth does go to set the record straight, and it turns out her father takes it unrealistically well.", the next excerpt having Elizabeth politely saying to her father that she has no intentions of marrying Everard in which her father truthfully said he only wanted to see her happy and not forcing her to marry someone she doesn't love, "He'd say, 'Unless it was the beginning of the movie, in which case, I said you had no choice'. But seriously, what did she do different? She made the same argument she did before. In fact, it's actually less angry. Are you honestly telling me that this was much more stronger than the part from earlier? The continuity isn't pretty spot-on as we thought..."
"But meanwhile, down this hallway...or maybe it's this hallway...nope, we guess it's this hallway...the bad guy is looking to make sure his evil wedding schemes go according to plan. But luckily, the mice kick him with a soccer ball and send him hilariously flying down the ship. Seems kinda pointless, seeing how we already know that Elizabeth isn't going to marry him, but hell, we need something to top the dog pissing scene, don't we?", the Schnee girl says.
Ruby then observed, "Meanwhile, apparently Joe is still in this movie, as we see he spends most of his time...", seeing Don Juan in the scene smell Elizabeth's glove he gotten from earlier, "Oh Gods, GET OVER IT!"
"It's like if Don Juan is like, 'God, I miss Elizabeth.'," as Yang took off her fingerless black gloves and smelled it, "...and also says, 'Almost as much as I miss Vanessa'.", taking off one of her brown knee-high boots and holding it, before she suddenly smells the inside of her boot seconds later, making her sister Ruby feel nauseous and both Blake and Weiss a bit disgusted.
Blake discusses the next part of this scene, "But it turns out the animals lead them together and they finally discover each other, and, of course, they decide to dance. But, unlike the other animated Titanic movie where they shared only three lines of dialogue and decided they love each other, here, they only share one line of dialogue. Yeah, ONE FUCKING LINE OF DIALOGUE AND THEY KNOW IT'S MEANT TO BE! I guess he considers sniffing the glove first base.", while the animals in the romantic scene applaud for Elizabeth and Don Juan, who would eventually understand the animals too with no explanation whatsoever, "But the whaler and evil stepmother turns out to be in cahoots with each other and they want to stop them from hooking up.", the next part showing the stepmother scolding Elizabeth, the latter saying if Maltravers is so important to her, then she would be the one to marry him.
"Actually, that's a great idea! If she's so evil, why doesn't she just leave Elizabeth's father and go with the whaler guy? Doesn't that make more sense? Oh, whatever. It seems that boat has sailed or...sank, so we guess it's better just to cut their losses and move on to the next logical step. Hold the father up at gunpoint, force him to sign the whaling concession, and tie him up so he won't escape.", summarized Weiss, "Tell us you wouldn't do the same thing! It's very typical!", cutting to the chase, "So he sends the message to the whalers that they're allowed to hunt wherever they please. But luckily, the mice cut the wires before the message can get out. I'm sure that won't backfire in any way!"
The leader of team RWBY nods, "Pretty sure something unfortunate is going to lead up...", saying the following part, "But wait! With the father tied up, someone's liable to come across him. So, again, what's the logical thing to do?", the excerpt showing Maltravers' henchman talking with the criminal shark that the ship has to sink tonight, "That's right, it's the evil gang of sharks that sank the Titanic because of a needlessly complex whaling scheme! Aren't you glad they're simplifying the emotions of a horrendous tragedy to an insulting basic battle of good versus evil? We mean, we don't even get it. Why do these Titanic movies need a bad guy? Isn't the iceberg sort of the designated villain?"
"So the sharks trick a giant octopus named Tentacles into an iceberg throwing contest. Uh-huh. There's a giant octopus with a dog's face in this movie and they're only waiting till the last third to show him! Way to subtly wheel us in to that suspension of disbelief.", Ruby's sister said, watching the snippet where Tentacles throws an iceberg into the Titanic's path and realizes what he did, "It's not like he can just grab the iceberg and push it out of the way- Oh wait, yes, he can! Why don't you just grab the iceberg and push it out of the way?"
The Faunus stated, "So the whaler and stepmother escape on a boat, and, not to give anything away, but the iceberg hits the ship. Hey, considering how much else they changed in this movie, I'm surprised they kept that!", the next part having the mouse captain being told by Connors and Ronnie telling the mouse captain that they cut the wires to foil Everard's plan but realize they need to reconnect it for an SOS message in which the mouse captain scolds the two for what they done, "He could say, 'We spent two hours talking about ship protocol and you didn't even follow it? A POX ON YOU!'"
"So they try to fix the wires with the help of another mouse named Camembert. Get it? It's a cheese! But the wires won't stretch far enough. So there's only one thing to do.", the Schnee girl continued, reacting to the part where the mouse Camembert tells Connors and Ronnie to place the wires on his mustache since they are too short, "YEA...what?", seeing Camembert then spasming to the electric shocks from the morse code transmission, "Yes, this would be an incredibly funny scene if it didn't end up killing him. No, seriously, it ends up killing him. Look."
Ruby then responds when they see Camembert's supposed death scene, "Okay, there's a lot of moments in a Titanic movie where you're supposed to have a serious death scene. You pick one, AND IT'S A FUCKING WRONG ONE!", also pointing out, "Oh, and unlike that downer Cameron movie where there weren't enough lifeboats, this film sets the record straight.", the movie having one of the ship officers telling the frantic escaping passengers that there's room for everyone, unlike the limit of lifeboats that happened in the film and real-life, "See? There's room for everybody! What, did you think those idiots at the History Channel knew what they were talking about? No, no. It's the version with the giant talking octopus that has it right!"
"So Elizabeth and Joe find the father and set him free, allowing him to get on the lifeboat. But...uh...why doesn't the daughter go, too? Or, for that matter, why not the boyfriend? Didn't you just hear the guy before? When he said there's room for everyone? So hop onboard! It doesn't matter if you have testicles in this movie, you can still make it out!", Yang elucidated, who then said, "But don't worry. Tentacles is there to put the ship back together. That's right, HE'S PUTTING THE SHIP BACK TOGETHER."
"And just in case there's any confusion for this being mistaken for a tragic act of nature...", Blake and Weiss said for their friend Yang, the next snippet having the octopus meet Elizabeth and Don Juan, sadly telling them it was all his fault but the former saying it wasn't his fault and claiming it was all because of an evil greedy human being, "You heard it right there, folks! It was all because of an evil human being. The realities of life don't play here. Hey, the next time a family member dies, just tell your kid a whaler did it! It's all cool. I mean, hey, as long as you can fucking BLAME SOMETHING!", nevertheless describing, "So while you're pondering why an octopus has to hold his breath to go underwater, it turns out the dolphins have good news."
The leader of team RWBY then said a Star Trek IV joke when the dolphin cheerfully says the whales were arriving at the disaster to the rescue, "There be whales here!", making her friends laugh, "So the whales seem to save everybody on the ship. Even the captain! Yeah, because we all know he made it out okay. But, unfortunately, Tentacles can't hold on anymore, and goes down with the ship."
"Well, that sucks, but we have a wedding to cut to! That's right, Elizabeth and Joe finally got married, as did Grandpa Mouse and...that blonde who he only shared one line with. Seriously, did these guys ever start a dialogue? When suddenly, their attention is drawn to the river.", Ruby's sister Yang told the climax of the movie.
The Faunus says when the movie shows the dolphin returning and tells everyone the good news as Tentacles suddenly appears, alive and well; "That's right, Tentacles is alive! And look, even Camembert, with no explanation whatsoever, somehow made it out okay! And even though there were no whales or people in that shot you just saw, apparently, everybody made it out alive. Thank God this isn't the least bit insulting to the hundreds of people who tragically lost their lives, or else this could possibly be the worst thing we ever produced as a species!", the captain in the movie congratulating the octopus as he asked how he accomplished the rescue of the Titanic disaster, the latter claiming it was the whales that he gave the most credit to.
"WHAT IS UP WITH THE WHALING SHIT IN THIS MOVIE?!", yells the Schnee girl, slapping herself in the face after hearing this part; "Look, if you wanna make a movie about whales, that's fine! More power to ya! But leave the deaths of hundreds of innocent people out of it, if you don't mind! I mean, even Ferngully just stuck to the rainforest, they didn't try to work in the Hindenburg disaster or anything!"
Blake complimented, "I totally could imagine that reference, but it's best to leave it be, my love."
"Thank you for mentioning it.", smiled Weiss, who then kisses Blake.
Ruby and Yang reasoned, "Glad that didn't happen.", climaxing, "So flashback to present day as the kids realize Grandpa has clearly gone off his meds and made this entire story up.", as the movie shows the elderly Connors telling his children that the whaling hunts were still happening and his wife telling them that while he loves to tell stories, they shouldn't take it so seriously, "UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING MILLENNIUM."
"So just to recap, everybody: nobody died on the Titanic, animals can talk with moon magic, sharks form underwater gangs, whales are Jesus, and the reveal of a giant talking octopus in New York got absolutely no media attention whatsoever!", recapped Blake and Weiss as the movie finally ended, "So, to sum up...no, no, we need a minute.", before they go back to each have turns looking at their own reflections on the bathroom mirror once again, before returning to their commentary chairs.
Ruby finished, "Okay. Can you see why this is worse than the other one?"
She and Yang finalize their opinion, "I mean, the animation is better, but this goes from stupid to DISGUSTINGLY insulting. Just the idea that people took this tragedy and turned it into such a lame ploy to save the whales is mind-boggling. The Titanic story has nothing to do with whales, so why'd you make that connection? It's insulting to history, it's insulting to children's intelligence, and it's straight up insulting to the people who died!"
"I mean, it honestly makes this film look more realistic. The film with the rapping dog is actually closer to the real story of the Titanic! That is a new low for a kid's movie to sink! No pun intended. It's beyond shit, and my guess is it'll take days before you stop feeling unclean from it!", Blake and Weiss capped off the rest of their opinion.
The leader of team RWBY hoped as she finishes the review, "My only hope is that people will finally learn their lesson and stop making animated spinoffs off this shit!"
"Uh...Ruby? I looked it up and it said there IS a sequel to this.", her sister told her.
Ruby then said in overreaction, "Nooooooo!", apologizing, "Sorry for that. Whatever it is, we aren't going to review that one for a while. Anyways, I'm Ruby..."
"...I'm Yang..."
"...I'm Blake..."
"...and I'm Weiss."
Team RWBY finishing, "We remember it so you don't have to!", leaving their commentary chairs, finishing their review and returning to their daily routine.
End of RWBY's Commentary of Titanic: The Legend Goes On
Up Next: Ruby and Yang's Commentary of Cars
