In this thirtieth non-canon review, Blake and Weiss collaborate with Yume on reviewing the worst Dennis Rodman film, the 1999 forgotten box-office-flop action flick Simon Sez. Does this movie become Rodman's final nail as an action movie star?
BEACON
"Hello. I'm Blake..."
"...I'm Weiss..."
"...and I'm Yume."
The Faunus and the heiress told, "We remember it so you don't have to."
"Well, after the smash hit of Double Team... That is, everybody wanted to hit and smash it after they were done watching it, we guess studio executives thought Dennis Rodman was the next big action star.", describes Blake before pausing.
Weiss continued for her girlfriend, "Okay, let's be honest, he struck out once and they wanted to try it one more time to see if there was any more potential money they could squeeze out of him. That sad attempt is known as Simon Sez."
Blake Belladonna, Weiss Schnee and Yume's Commentary of Simon Sez (Part 1)
The black-haired girl introduced, "The great tragedy about Rodman is that he's actually not that bad of an actor. Okay, he's no godsend or anything, but when you compare him to the competition, he's the Gregory Peck of basketball acting. But sadly, we kept seeing him in half-baked scripts with half-baked dialogue and probably, let's be honest here, a half-baked Dennis Rodman."
"And this is one of the fruits of Hollywood's ever-misfiring loins, bringing us the typical over-the-top schlock that goes into such half-assed celebrity vehicles.", the white-haired girlfriend also said, "It's a tough one to watch but somebody's gotta get through it. So, let's get this over with and..."
Yume interrupted to say, "I just wanted to let you know that it's a pleasure reviewing with you guys. Me and Cameron have been doing some very nice movie reviews together lately."
"Yeah, we can tell. We really appreciate it.", Blake and Weiss respected, "By the way, this is Simon Sez."
Simon Sez
Yume starts off, "So, as the credits roll, you may notice that one of the first things we see in this film is the classic late '90s ploy of spelling the title wrong."
"Simon Sezzzzzz? Gods, what's the point of spelling it that way, anyhow?", Blake confused.
Weiss then pronounced, "And you can see we're clearly in for a treat with not only Dennis Rodman being the star, but also co-starring Dane Cook."
"Truly the meeting of two titans. The two people you can't stand to see in a movie alone together at last.", the red-haired girl impressed.
Blake notified, "It's also starring famous stunt actor and fight choreographer...this guy! Yeah, we don't know how to pronounce his name, but if you ever get a Scrabble hand with three X's in it, you'll know what to do now."
"So in Europe, we see a surveillance camera mounted to a robotic fly piloted by our comic relief.", Yume says before the three see the first scene in the movie that featured the movie characters Micro and Macro, "Wow. Hard to believe that one of the writers on this was the star of My Boyfriend's Back."
Weiss reflected, "Ah, how the low and useless have...stay exactly where they are. So it turns out an evil colonel of...whatever, is intercepted by an evil crime boss of...whatever, in an attempt to get an evil...", before betting, "We're thinking a microchip."
"I'm thinking a computer disk.", bets the archer-like girl.
The Faunus summarizes, "So the colonel is cornered by a villain named Ashton, who keeps his kookiness to a minimum now, but trust me, his koo-koo-for-cocoa-puffs moments are right around the corner."
"So our main character Simon, played of course by Dennis Rodman, intervenes in the most undercover camouflage he can find.", Yume recounts and commenting when Simon rode his motorcycle over a dock to another, "Good to know he's not attracting any attention on his top secret mission."
"We know, he's under attack by the bride from Kill Bill.", claimed the heiress.
Blake continued for her, "Imagine if the colonel in the film asks Simon who he is, and he would answer that he's Pac-Man!", snickering.
"Very hilarious," giggles Yume, "So Simon goes back to his headquarters, which is the home of, get ready for this, the Cybermonks."
Weiss confused, "Wait a minute, the Cybermonks? I know we haven't done the review for Double Team yet, but what are the chances of Dennis Rodman being in a movie that happens to have the commonplace idea of Cybermonks?"
"Apparently high. As a matter of fact, the Cybermonks sounds cool. Especially that funky music moment they had in this film.", admitted the red-haired archer girl as they watch an excerpt where the cybermonks were dancing in the film.
The black-haired huntress rose an eyebrow, "You just had to say it, didn't you?", as she then resumes, "So while hanging out at a beach, we see Simon come across his very own personal comic foil, in that you want to wrap him up in foil and put him in the microwave.", just as they watch a scene in the movie with Dane Cook's character in it.
"Could this be the greatest character of our time?", commented Yume as Dane Cook's character Nick in the film jokes with Simon and greets him.
The white-haired girl supported, "God, is this guy for real? I've seen comedy movies more funny than this!"
"You know, we're one of the few people who's indifferent to Dane Cook. We don't love him, nor do we hate him either...but…this is bad. Really bad! We mean, this is like Jar-Jar Binks bad!", Blake said.
The beautiful redhead agreed with the two members of RWBY as they continue seeing the scene with Dane Cook's character, "Look at him. He's so lame, it's magnificent. He's got all the charm Dane Cook is ever gonna have, but without the fame to back it up."
"Wait, you're enjoying this?", both Blake and Weiss asked Yume.
Yume answered, "What's not to enjoy? It's the nirvana of annoyance! I feel privileged to see it! And again, monks are funny."
"But unfortunately, Dane Cook is not just there for a friendly visit. Oh, great, he's essential to the plot. It turns out he's there to hand ransom money over for a rich business man's daughter, and he needs Dennis Rodman to help him out.", summarized Weiss, supposing as they watch over the scene, "He's supposed to hand the money over to these Dick Tracy characters."
"Really? I would have said Saturday Night Live as a reference.", the archer girl says.
The Faunus shrugs, "Let's just say there would one day be a Dick Tracy sketch on Saturday Night Live.", recieving a nod of approval from Yume understandably, before Blake said, "But things go awry as both sides misunderstand one another and start up a fight."
The three observe the part where Nick in the movie encounters and confronts a female fighter named The Dancer, as he readies his gun as he acted like a dinosaur after making a Jurassic-like threat to her. Blake, Weiss and Yume all stare in confusion to Nick's dinosaur imitation.
"Oh, Dane Cook. Must you always serenade us with your awfulness? You did Planes already!", reacted Yume, abstracting nonetheless, "So Rodman and this chick continue to fight, and while it does have some impressive Matrix-style wirework, it's kind of like attaching strings to a series of wounded animals. They're moving, but not by their own volition."
The three watch Simon in the movie tie The Dancer up with a tablecloth and obtain the suitcase, with the heiress sarcastically responding, "Oh, no, she can…easily wiggle out of that.", continuing after they saw Simon returns to retrieve Nick by picking him up, "So we cut to-", before she, Blake and Yume were shocked when seeing Dane Cook's Nick seemingly doing something inappropriate whilst asleep with a close-up on him, who had appeared to make thrusts on the couch while unconscious; "We mean...oh...", as she buried her face in disbelief.
"I'd say he was trying too hard, but that would mean that actual thought went into whatever the flying fuck we're looking at right now. And you know what? We just can't believe that! If there's a decent holy god in this universe, we simply can't accept that!", refused Blake.
The redhead girl then awkwardly reacts when she, Blake and Weiss hear Nick say to Simon when he woke up that he dreamt of playing Monopoly with Drew Barrymore, "...Okay, his…novelty's wearing off a little bit.", who then outlines the next part of the film, "So it seems the computer disk has to go to this guy named Bernard, who's holding the boss's daughter, because he's under orders from Ashton; however, the boss's daughter doesn't know she's being kidnapped, because she's dating Bernard's son, who both think she's part of a foreign exchange program."
"And hey, anything to distract from Mr. Funeral of Comedy here is perfectly fine by me.", Weiss kept her cool and added before she and the other two observe a part where Simon tells Nick to stay as the latter sarcastically imitates a dog, "So the Dane Cook repertoire seems to mostly consist of just doing BARNYARD ANIMALS!"
Yume nodded again, "Yeah, but to be fair, it's only the ones he can't do very well."
"So Cook tries following Rodman but loses him in a church, where our dancing monks are just waiting to mess with him.", the black-haired girl summarizes, mocking Nick in the next snippet where he was pleading to a cross on a wall, "I won't make any more Christ Checks jokes. I realize it wasn't that funny to begin with.", confessing as they saw another part with Nick in it, "You know, now we just feel bad. Clearly, nobody can possibly be this ass-numbingly stupid, so where we stand, they're picking on a mentally-challenged person, and we, for one, are very sickened to watch this!"
The archer girl made a cat smile and suggested, "You could also confront the blasphemy route."
"Well, one joke at a time.", Blake eased.
Yume describes, "He finally comes across the Cybermonks, and they introduce themselves to him.", watching the scene where the two brother cybermonks met Simon and introduced themselves with the nicknames Bic Mac and Free Willy, with the latter having a whale sound effect, "Okay, movie, you're running out of animal sound effects. I think sooner or later, you're gonna have to write actual jokes."
"So they figure out the disk has some heavy duty top secret shit on there, and they try to figure out a way to hold onto it while also getting the daughter back.", the white-haired girl continues as they were reviewing the following scenes of the film thereafter.
The red-haired young girl included, "Rodman sets up another meeting with the crooks in the hopes of getting the daughter back.", as the girls see the disguised Simon approaching a crook and knocking him out but not before putting accessories on to make it seem like he's sleeping, "I guess the only way Dennis Rodman could blend in was to disguise himself as a cooky peddler in a big hat."
"Yeah, thank God a person half his size was wearing clothes that just happened to fit him.", agreed Weiss.
The archer Yume then said, "I'm just surprised this is a wacky comedic moment, and yet nobody is doing any crazy animal impressions."
"You know, we're not sure if he's doing this right.", Blake and Weiss sighed, "Seeing how Dane Cook's Nick did in his next scene of the film, I haven't been this charmed by a performance since Shia Labeouf in Transformers: Dark of the Moon."
To be continued...
