A/N: Just as a reminder, this review episode will be the last one in Part 1 of the second season (being split into three parts), which the end of it will lead directly into Part 2. I almost completed this chapter, but it was ruined due to a 503 error. Glad it went back up after a few hours and got straight back to writing.
P.S.: Finally got Super Mario 3D All-Stars by the way. There's still a lot of copies out there so get one now before they're gone at the end of March 2021. Best of luck. :D
In this thirty-second non-canon review and the last review episode of the second season's Part 1, on the same second day of the Sociality Arc, Team RWBY joins Faye, Fuu and Iki as they review Robert Rodriguez's third 3D-gimmicky installment of the Spy Kids series, Spy Kids 3D: Game Over, or more notably known as Spy Kids 3: Game Over in the 2D version. So it's time for the girls to put on their 3D glasses (or not), as they sit back on a 3D-fueled trip that'll make them (not really) scratch their eyes out.
BEACON
7PM
Dinner had been finished and now RWBY had requested another review collaboration, but this time being with Faye Valentine, Fuu Kasami and Iki Hiyori, as the team RWBY wanted to review a 3D movie.
In the same dorm room as Faye, Fuu and Iki would be staying alongside Cameron, Yume, Akane and the latter's friends (though the former two were away to Niagara Falls with some of their friends for the time being).
"Hello, I'm Ruby..."
"...I'm Yang..."
"...I'm Blake..."
"...and I'm Weiss-"
Suddenly, the beautiful Edo-era girl Fuu Kasami (Samurai Champloo) interrupts and excited with eagerness and enthusiasm, "It's 3D! IT'S 3D! IT'S 3D!", jumping around in excitement before running around.
"What the hell was that?!", team RWBY exclaim in unison.
As they saw Fuu run around the dorm room and giggle in excitement, Faye Valentine (Cowboy Bebop) comes in and apologized, "You must excuse her. She's like this when she hears something about 3D cinema this way."
"Yeah, so what's the deal?", Ruby asked her.
Faye explains, "You see, the three of us happen to see 3D in very different ways. Fuu sees it as distracting...", as they saw Fuu take out one of her hair sticks and acting like it was literally pointing out in 3D as she said, "3D! 3D!", before placing it back on her hair as she grabs a few snacks and showing it as if it was in 3D also; Faye continues, "...and I see it as dignified, like how the use of 3D was in films such as Hugo, How to Train Your Dragon and Avatar. Also, though the three of us love to review games, we're still a big fan of movies. 3D can span between those two topics, but kinda flunks out on the gaming industry."
"What's the third one then?", wondered Yang.
The violet-haired woman says, "Oh, Iki? Iki sees 3D as both, but also the kind which is from movies like Clash of the Titans and The Last Airbender. She may see that as doesn't count."
"Doesn't count? Iki, about that use of 3D, can you describe the effects from those kind of 3D movies?", Fuu curiously said, "I can't believe this optical illusion hasn't been invented back in my time!"
Iki Hiyori (Noragami) was looking at her phone as she was sitting on the bed, her ethereal tail wagging side by side, "Oh...um...", before putting her hand out as if it was in 3D, "Ooh, my hand is slightly in front of my face. What does it matter? That kind of 3D was not even supposed to be here!"
"Well, that can be true...", Faye reasoned.
Iki explains, "Yes, it is! They thought it'd make things better, but all it does was draw attention to how broken everything really is.", disappointed by the doesn't count-like type of 3D.
"It's always getting involved where it doesn't belong!", laughed Fuu, excited.
Blake and Weiss said, "Okay, what kind of Distracted 3D movies has Fuu been interested in like?"
"Oh, the usual three movies tripe.", Faye excuses.
Team RWBY ask, "Three movies?"
"Yes, meaning that sometimes the third installment gets the 3D treatment, like for example, Jaws 3...Friday the 13th Part 3...and...", the violet-haired woman said.
Team RWBY feared, "Don't say it...!"
"...Spy Kids 3.", Faye finished.
Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss all agonized, "Noooooooooooo!", saddened, "We don't want to do Friday the 13th Part 3... We mean, we mentioned it once back in my Alien 2: On Earth review, but reviewing a Friday the 13th film? That would be too much..."
"Don't worry, girls. We're doing Spy Kids 3D!", Fuu anticipated much to team RWBY's shock.
Team RWBY anguished more, "Even woooooooooorse!", saddened by this once again.
Team RWBY, Faye Valentine, Fuu Kasami and Iki Hiyori's Commentary of Spy Kids 3D: Game Over
"Time to rip in to one of the most awesome, hands-on, coolest directors yet again, Robert Rodriguez. Why do you make us do this to you?", started Ruby and Yang with regret, "Known for making tons of impressive films on a very small budget, as well as doing a lot of the work himself, his focus was to have the creativity of the production disguise how unbelievably cheap it usually was. Sometimes it worked like Sin City, sometimes it didn't like Shorts. And sometimes, it did both. This is the case with the Spy Kids trilogy...plus one. The first film was so enjoyably bizarre but visually funny, that it was easy to overlook some of the more awkward moments. The sequel was when it started to wear off, combining genuinely funny moments with, you guessed it, camel poop."
"But just when you thought there couldn't be more camel poop, he made Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. To its credit, this is one of the movies that brought 3D back to the limelight as a profitable idea. The only problem is, it's used as a more exploitative gimmick than the Gods is to Pure Flix.", Blake and Weiss told, "Is it as bad as, say...thinking Sylvester Stallone can play a hippie? As a matter of fact, he kinda does at one point...? This is Spy Kids 3D."
Fuu excites, "This is gonna be amazing...", as she, Faye and Iki settle in to watch and review the Spy Kids 3D movie.
Spy Kids 3D: Game Over
"The movie begins by telling us to put our glasses on. Yes, thank you, because if we saw it throughout the majority of the film, we'd be helpless to figure out how to stop it.", Ruby began as Floop in the film (played by Alan Cumming) informs the audience the movie will be in three-dimensions, "Alan Cumming is kind enough to interrupt his Nut Gouging of Your Childhood Tour by letting you know that you only put on your glasses when the characters in the movie put them on. Which they wear, not surprisingly, 90% of the movie. So why don't they just make the whole goddamn thing in 3D?"
Fuu says, "That would've been great."
"But sadly it isn't entirely. Pretty much like the IMAX footage in some movies or more precisely, the IMAX 3D release of Superman Returns in which some scenes are converted to 3D.", told Faye.
Iki remembered, "Yeah... I think I remember seeing that."
"So what, did they want to give the people a little arm exercise? This is entirely pointless. Maybe the strategy was to have the people say, 'Huh, the characters seem flat and not at all three dimensional.', then they would put their 3D glasses on and say, 'Wow! Now the characters seem flat and not at all three dimensional! In 3D!',", Yang imagined as the seven then saw the credit claiming A Robert Rodriguez Digital File, "He doesn't even call it a movie! He probably just dropboxed it to someone and was like, 'Yeah, I made this in my garage. Call it whatever you want. It's debatable whether or not it's actually a film." Personally, I'm hoping this'll start a new fad in credit identification like A George Lucas Render, A Robert Zemeckis mp4, and even A Raja Gosnell 404 Error.'"
Blake introduced Juni from the movie, "It opens with the Boy Spy Kid- Yeah, we're sure he's always had a name, but who are you kidding? We just call him the Boy Spy Kid named Juni, as he had left his agency and turned into a gumshoe-", before realizing the pun she just said was about to happen in the film, "Don't do it!", as Juni in the first scene suddenly steps on gum, "You son of a bitch!", as the girls observe the snippet where Juni meets a girl (surprisingly played by future celebrity Selena Gomez) as he asks why the water from her waterpark had vanished and figured it's winter; the black-haired Faunus answered, "Man, we thought the sequel to Blade Runner would be a little bit more adult than this."
"Actually, the funny thing about this opening is that the weird, stilted acting is surprisingly kind of welcomed. Their attempted acting out an adult situation is similar to watching the kids from Home Movies make their films.", Weiss discusses, "But to be fair, their acting isn't the most childish.", just before the seven see Juni in the film watching a commercial on a public TV, with the Toymaker (played by Sylvester Stallone) dressed as a news reporter and advertising a game called Game Over; the white-haired heiress saying, "You know, when Stallone is making a movie, can we just have an old lady in a blue dress hit him with an umbrella and shout 'Sylvester!'?"
Faye informs, "To be honest, sometimes thinking about Sylvester Stallone makes me think of the same thing. No wonder some people have the same name.", chuckling.
"He plays the Toymaker, a man who's been banished to cyberspace, but disguised himself to release a VR game known as Game Over...which is kind of like marketing a board game called You Lost.", Ruby synopsized as she continues, "After he fails to purchase Game Over that ends up shattering his Hamm piggy bank, Juni heads back home to feed his Small Soldiers when...", as Gertie Giggles, a Spy Kids female character in the movie, arrives while her short hair braids were spinning like helicopter blades, "Oh, God! Inspector Gadget finally assimilated his niece!", as Gertie tells Juni that the OSS needs him and foreshadows that everyone is his family before she leaves, in which Juni responds that it doesn't make any sense; the leader of team RWBY questioned, "That makes no sense? You live in a Rescue Rangers tree house with Budgie the Scary Helicopter, and that makes no sense?! Why don't you just tell me George Clooney is the President of the United Stat-", as she and the other three members of team RWBY exclaim upon seeing George Clooney playing said role in the movie via video message, "WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!"
Fuu and Iki curiously said, "Wow! I didn't know Oscar-winner George Clooney was in this one!"
"After all, he did collaborate with Robert Rodriguez for From Dusk Till Dawn and the first Spy Kids. Didn't even do the second due to his involvement on Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Welcome to Collingwood and Solaris.", notified Faye.
Yang came to terms on this, "Okay, we'll accept this as some form of reality, as long as Clooney still talks to everyone in a patronizing tone.", all while she and the other six observe the part with the President telling Juni that there was no retirement for him and tells him to reinstate into the program, "Ah, his whole acting career is just saying diplomatically why we all have to clean our rooms.", summarizing, "He tells Boy Spy Kid Juni that the Girl Spy Kid named Carmen is missing, so he travels to his old agency to get some answers. Apparently, his sister is caught in the mind of Vincent D'Onofrio from The Cell...I mean, the game...as it seems to be a trap for all children.", as they see Donnogan tell Juni at the secret spy agency that the Toymaker plans to enslave the world' youth with mind control, with the blonde scoffing, "Please, I think we've all purchased E.A. games before."
"Fuck those microtransactions!", said Maka offscreen in which team RWBY, Faye, Fuu and Iki heard.
Blake excused, "So we've been told.", before continuing the story, "So the Boy Spy Kid Juni goes in to see if he can beat the game, save his sister, and apparently alert nobody that this hot-selling game is going to take over the minds of the children of the world! Don't worry, they'll release a patch for it later. And if you're wondering what the evil backstory behind the Toymaker is...eh, so is the movie.", as she and her friends watch the next snippet where Donnogan's associate Cesca told Juni that the Toymaker hated them for imprisoning him in cyberspace for years with no explanation of why they did that years prior.
"We don't keep good records. We're not even sure why we hated Saddam Hussein. We think it had something to do with his ugly mustache.", joked Weiss as she noticed the part when Juni was given 3D glasses to wear for his adventure to the cyberspace, "Oh, look! He put his glasses on! Well, that means you better put your glasses on! Oh, wait, this doesn't have any 3D glasses included in here. Well, just enjoy this thorough slapping of your eyes for an hour and a half!"
"Though it would've been better using the clear digital 3D instead of those red-and-cyan classic ones.", Iki disappointed.
The seven girls saw Juni got sucked into the computer-generated cyberspace world, with the red-black-haired leader of team RWBY saying, "He ends up in Hieronymus Bosch's Toontown, where, we swear to the Gods, he tries to excuse the lame effects from here on out.", while Juni commented in the film and presumes the environment was computer-generated, "Yeah, it's kind of like in Roger Rabbit, turning to the camera and saying, 'We couldn't get a real rabbit. We just...wanted to empathize how disappointing that is.'"
"But...it's a lot better when Roger Rabbit is traditionally animated. We don't wanna see it being animated in CGI.", Fuu preferred.
"Couldn't agree more.", the blonde elder sister of Ruby complimented, "And, of course, the 3D gimmicks start right away.", right as they watch the part where another character named Arnold was collection coins all while frogs on pogo sticks attack him with their tongues sticking out and popping out in 3D.
As team RWBY, Faye, Fuu and Iki watch this, Fuu couldn't help but exclaim to team RWBY, "It's 3D! IT'S 3D! IT'S 3D!", in an ecstatically eager tone.
"Hey! Hey! Settle down!", Yang nicely said, accidentally raising her voice.
The brunette Edo-era girl heard this and says, "Oops. Sorry...to be honest with you girls, I already understand the responsibilities of what 3D is meant to be about, but I can't help myself enjoy the gimmicky style 3D had experimented before in cinema!"
"That's what I was gonna say, but thanks.", the violet-haired girl appreciated to her relative.
Ruby's elder sister questioned, "You think?!", to both Faye and Fuu.
"You know, I see 3D as a means to transport people to another world, helping the viewer emerge themselves into the story like, again, How to Train Your Dragon or Avatar.", Faye wisely told about 3D.
Yang understood a bit, "Yeah? And what does Fuu see it as?"
"First of all, the same. The second? Well, you know that kind of trick when you're a little kid and you wanted to annoy someone without touching them? In other words for example of the 3D topic, Spy Kids 3D!", Fuu stated as she makes fun of the frog attack 3D scene in the movie as well as other scenes that has 3D popping out, "It's like saying, 'Does this annoy you? Does this annoy you? I'm not touching you! Does this annoy you? Does this annoy you? I'm not touching you!'", to team RWBY as she laughed.
The blonde huntress calms down, "Why, that's inspired me."
"Yeah?", Faye, Fuu and Iki interested.
Yang then readies her Ember Cecila and pointing it around the room while her lilac eyes turned deep red, "Yeah...to let my Ember Cecila touch other stuff instead of my fist!", shocking the other six as she shot her Ember Cecila around as she said, "Imagine it'd be like, 'DOES THIS ANNOY YOU?! DOES THIS ANNOY YOU?! I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU!'"
"Yang, calm down!", Ruby said, disarming her sister's Ember Cecila, "You almost wrecked the TV..."
The red-black-haired girl's sister calms yet again, "Sorry. No wonder this 3D is really getting on my nerves..."
"So he has to outsmart some terrifying enemies, who look more like the mascot of several children's educational math games, as he's transported to Super Mario Maker, where he finds some testers of the game.", the black-haired Faunus resumed the story just as one of the testers in the movie, Rez, introduces himself to Juni as he greets 'Hi, Rez'.
The white-haired heiress notices, "Wait, wait, wait...hold on. 'Hi, Rez'? Did this movie really think they could slip this terrible joke by us because they said it really fast? Well, then. We'd say that this movie can GO TO THE CORNER FOR PAINFULLY PUSHED PUNS!"
Silence ensues.
"It's more of an abstract visual gag. Kinda.", Iki said about the painfully pushed pun trope.
Ruby continued, "So he tells the testers what's going on, but they don't believe him, so they send him to a level on the moon. Gee, if only there was a way to stop their gameplay, talk to them in real-life, and let them know it's all true. But, unfortunately, they can.", shrugging off, "Thankfully though, this game is apparently half of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. So he brings in his grandpa, played by the original Khan from Star Trek himself, Ricardo Montalbán. Which results around one word for this actor in this movie... KHAAAAAAN!", before realizing what she just said.
"Hey... Doesn't that count as a painfully pushed pun?", Faye, Fuu and Iki heard this.
The leader of team RWBY denied, "Well, first of all...it probably is. But secondly, it was intended to be a Star Trek reference...and it was worth it."
"Suit yourself.", the trio said to the four RWBY girls.
Yang resumes, "So Grandpa welcomes himself to Fantasy Planet...not really sure how they flew him in to headquarters so fast; maybe they just keep him in a storage closet...and it appears he has a history with the Toymaker.", as the film had Juni's grandfather reveal that he has been hunting the Toymaker down for 30 years, "I bet he's like, 'I'll chase him around the moons of...just...this moon...until I give him up.'", truthfully saying afterwards, "To be fair, I probably would've liked the ending of Star Trek Into Darkness if it went this route.", while Juni's grandpa in the movie tested his new special suit that allows him to walk and attain agility.
"Sad thing is, it still looks more realistic than his plastic chest from The Wrath of Khan.", acknowledged Blake, "But he gets distracted by a butterfly...no, really; I guess he likes enforcing ADD stereotypes...as the Boy Spy Kid Juni travels to an arena even lamer than Pokémon Stadium."
Booing sound effects were heard while Faye, Fuu and Iki look at team RWBY worriedly.
"We're sorry, Pokemon fans! We don't hate it! We love it! We respect the Pokemon!", Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss all said as the former team leader suddenly grabbed Pikachu-decorated cookies as if they were her favorite chocolate chip ones; Blake continued, "It turns out he has to defeat Arya Stark in Mighty Morphin' Pacific Rim-gers in order to move on to the next level."
Weiss confesses, "We'll give Rodriguez this. These must be the greatest movies to work on if you're a child actor. It's like the child actor and director were saying, 'What do I do?' 'Just lay down.' 'What do I do?' 'Just move your arms slightly.' 'You're gonna make me look cool, right?' 'Even though you're not moving a single solitary muscle, I'm gonna make you look like the most badass fighter in the world.'"
"Couldn't agree more.", the leader of team RWBY states, "He beats her, just in time to see Sylvester Stallone play a wide variety of characters...because if there's anyone we trust who can play a wide variety of characters, it's Sylvester Stallone.", as the seven of them see Stallone talk to his imaginary selves each being a guard, a scientist, and a hippie; Ruby was stunned, "Wow. We...we haven't seen someone so dedicated to playing such a wide array of roles since...Adam Sandler did a high squeaky voice next to another Adam Sandler doing a high squeaky voice. Hell, even Stallone comments on how he forgets he's talking to himself. We mean, what other ways do you think Stallone fools Stallone?"
Fuu ponders, "Yeah...it's strange nowadays sometimes actors can play dual or multiple roles in such movies."
"Pretty unique, though.", Faye thought.
The elder sister of Ruby Rose stated, "The testers mistake the Boy Spy Kid Juni for a magical character just called, like how Aladdin and Genie say this in the Aladdin 2019 Disney remake, The Guy, who is supposed to lead them through the final level to win. So they ask him to prove his worth in yet another meaningless detour.", with the seven female characters spectating the following scene being a racing challenge for Juni and the testers; "Hey! I wonder if the announcer was like, 'Welcome to F-Zero-Chance-Of-Liking-This! We were gonna go with Mario Fart, but we thought it'd be a repeat of the stellar Camel Poop joke in the second one.'", while RWBY and the anime girl trio saw the race sequence with premature CGI in it.
"Until Captain America: Civil War, these would be the most impressive action effects ever put onscreen. Maybe Foodfight comes a close second, but we take it back. Still a horrible movie, so we're not gonna bring it up.", Blake told, "Amusingly enough, watching this just makes me wish we were playing this game instead of watching it as a movie. So, it's basically every bad video game film except we don't have a good game that goes along with it!"
Faye figures, "Oh, yeah. Movie-licensed games. Truth be told, some video games based on those video game movies were either better or worse than the movie itself. Man, those were complicated.", with the movie showing Juni winning the race while on a hubcap and beating the other testers.
"The others may be thinking, 'Never have we seen someone sit, lay down and slightly wiggle with the world moving around him in such badass glory!' What are we talking about? These are the characteristics of a real gamer, like that fat gamer guy in South Park from that Warcraft episode!", mentions Weiss.
Iki remembers, "Oh, I like that episode! That was when the South Park boys play Warcraft and spent days trying to defeat a boss, becoming obese in the process, right?", as Faye nodded for team RWBY, "Thought so.", as Juni on the Spy Kids 3D movie tells his tester friends that he needs to talk to her grandfather, in which he also conveyed the nickname as the Wizard of Atari-Sega-Nendo.
"Yeah, young people clearly wouldn't recognize those terms. It's like saying, 'Hey, have you heard this new invention called Ice Cream?'", the heiress asked as they observed over the next snippet of the grandfather of Juni talking to his son, "And by the gods, even when he's trying to sound friendly, he still sounds like he's gonna torpedo someone's ass. As if he said, 'Don't you know the ancient Klingon proverb that says, Camel Poop?'", causing her and the otehrs to giggle.
Ruby finished off the first part of the review as the movie showed Juni telling his grandpa they would talk later, but not before the next shot revealed that the grandpa disappeared out of nowhere, "And he'd cap it off with, 'Of course, after you tell me where the hell I just went.'", before saying with a Vulcan salute, "One to beam up! Live long and prosper!"
To be continued...
