trigger warning

Chapter Eleven: Don't Bullshit Me

James pushed past the crowd of students in front of the announcement board in the common room. Professor McGonagall had posted the schedule for career consultation meetings. "You're this afternoon, Siri," James called. "Right after last period. Peter, you and I are tomorrow at like 4:00 and 4:30." He pushed his way back through the students to where Sirius and Peter were waiting.

"I can't believe how close we are," said Peter anxiously. "I'm not going to be ready."

"It'll be ok," said James. "We can all study together. I'm sure you'll do fine."

Sirius looked down at the ground, hugging himself tightly. All he could think about was the conversation that he and Remus had had, when Remus had promised to help him study for their O.W.L.s. He blinked back a few tears.

James noticed, of course, and hugged him. "I miss him too, Siri," he whispered. "It'll be ok, though."

"Will it?" demanded Sirius. "Will it? Because people keep on fucking saying that, but it sure as hell doesn't seem like it!"

"Sirius…"

"No. Don't bullshit me. I can take it from other people, but not you guys. Just fucking accept that it won't be ok, and it's never going to be the same, because he's fucking gone!"

James winced at Sirius's harsh words. Sirius angrily wiped the tears away. He turned and practically ran out of the common room. James and Peter exchanged a glance, then followed him.

Sirius headed for the Astronomy Tower. He had no plans of doing anything, he just liked being there. He liked that feeling of being on top of the castle, he liked being where Remus had been. It fucking hurt, but he liked it.

When James and Peter reached the roof of the tower, they found Sirius lying on his back, staring up at the sky. It was clear and blue, with a few white clouds on the horizon. "Siri?" asked James quietly.

Sirius didn't look up. He didn't acknowledge their presence, he just stayed where he was, thinking.

"Sirius?"

Again, there was no response.

James sighed. "Sirius?"

Sirius finally looked up, annoyed.

"You can't just run away from all your problems."

Sirius lay back down. "Fucking watch me."

"Sirius."

"No." He jumped to his feet, storming over to James. "You don't get it!" he yelled, right in James's face. "You don't fucking get it! I can't do this! He's fucking dead, and you just expect me to move on? To pretend he never existed? Fuck you, James Potter!"

James looked hurt. "Siri, that's not what I'm saying."

"Really? Because it sure fucking sounds like it."

"I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. I'm not saying to move on. I'm saying that running away isn't going to solve anything. It might be easier in the moment, but it won't help in the long run."

Sirius looked at James, his eyes full of tears threatening to spill over. "It just hurts," he whimpered painfully.

James nodded and pulled Sirius into a tight hug, letting him sob into his shoulder. "I know," he murmured, "I know."

Sirius walked slowly into Professor McGonagall's office that afternoon, after having skipped the rest of his classes. She gestured to the seat on the near side of her desk, and he slumped into it.

"Hello, Mr. Black."

"Hi."

"So, how are you–"

"Fine."

She cocked an eyebrow, but didn't push it. Instead, she pulled a folder out of a drawer, setting it on the desk in between them. She took a piece of paper from the folder and slid it over to Sirius. "You have had excellent grades," she said, smiling warmly at him. "Do you have any idea what sort of career path you're planning on taking?"

Sirius shrugged.

"Do you know what N.E.W.T.s you want to take?"

Sirius shrugged again.

"I see."

Sirius picked at the skin around his thumb. He looked down at his hands, frowning. He didn't know, didn't care. Any plans he might have had before everything happened had all gone out the window. He was barely surviving any more. He didn't have the ability to think about his future when he could barely get through a single day.

Professor McGonagall started talking again, but he didn't listen. He swallowed the growing lump in his throat, desperately wanting to not cry in her office. "Can I go?" he choked out.

She looked at him sadly and nodded. "Take care, Sirius," she said.

Sirius jumped out of the chair, shoving it backwards as he did so. He practically ran out of the room, letting the heavy door slam behind him. He went to the nearest bathroom and locked himself in the farthest stall, collapsing on the floor.

He struggled to get a breath, his chest heaving, his head cloudy. The panic coursed through his veins. He tugged at his hair, trying to get a lungful of air. He slumped against the wall, sobbing brokenly. "Remy," he whimpered.

But Remus wasn't there, and he wouldn't ever be there. He was gone. And nothing could ever bring him back. Sirius had failed him. He had had one job, to be there for Remus, and he had failed at the moment when Remus needed him most.

He banged his head against the tile wall of the bathroom, relishing the brief, momentary pain. So he did it again. And again. He sat on the bathroom floor, tears running down his face, banging his forehead into the wall, begging for Remus to come back.

"I'm sorry, Remy," he choked out. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

His sobs echoed off the walls and bounced back to him, but there was no reply. There was no one to hear him crying, no one to comfort him. He wondered if it would hurt less to just die. His chest ached so badly; he didn't think he could take much more of this. It hurt too much. He had never felt so fucking alone.

A/N:

i'm really sorry this took so long. updates are probably going to be slow for a while.

this past week, i got news that a really good friend i made through this fic killed themselves. it's really fucked me up, and i'm still just trying to process it. i'm really not in a good place mentally. between this, other stuff that was happening mentally before, almost unbearable dysphoria with no real way to relieve it, feeling so fucking trapped where i am, and an identity crisis involving the religion i was raised in and feeling trapped there but also no belief is there and it's so homophobic and transphobic and everything.

i honestly don't know when i'll be able to upload again. i'm just doing so bad rn

take care, drink some water, i'm so proud of you. you're all so fucking amazing. i love you all so much

ktf xolyn