Chapter Twelve: Why Do the Best People Always Get the Worst of It?
Sirius sat, slumped over, in one of the chairs in the common room, staring into the fire. The room was mostly dark; everyone had long since gone to bed. The flames cast long shadows that danced along the walls, constantly changing and distorting each other.
In his hand, he tightly clutched a crumpled piece of parchment, covered in his messy scrawl. His eyes were filled with tears, his head with memories of Remus. His neck ached from staying in one strained position for so long, but he didn't care. He didn't have the energy to shift.
Unconsciously, his fingers gripped the paper more tightly. A tear ran down his cheek. He sniffed, blinking hard to keep the rest away. He didn't really care, though. It's not like anyone else was around. The clock on the wall, barely visible in the fire-light, read well past 2. Everyone was asleep.
Sirius was so tired. He closed his eyes, letting the exhaustion and memories wash over him.
"Siri!"
Sirius shook his head, sliding further down on the couch, clinging to sleep.
"Siri, come one, wake up!"
Sirius groaned, but didn't open his eyes.
"Sirius!"
Annoyed, Sirius squinted at the speaker. They were crouched in front of him, grinning. Sirius couldn't quite make out who it was. "Lemme sleep," he mumbled.
"Sirius, please! It's already almost noon, and we're going down to the lake for lunch. Just us!"
Sirius frowned. "It's too cold," he said, confused.
"No, it's not, silly!" they exclaimed. "Let's go!"
Sirius pulled himself to his feet, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He looked up. Remus was grinning excitedly at him. He grabbed Sirius's arm and started to pull him out of the common room. "Let's go, Siri!"
Sirius froze in his tracks, his arm limp in Remus's hand. He looked sadly at his boyfriend. "Remy," he whimpered. "But- I thought- weren't you-"
"What're you talking about?" laughed Remus. "I'm right here, silly."
Sirius shook his head and pulled his arm away. "Remy- you- I-" He broke off, wiping away the few tears that had fallen on his cheeks.
Remus looked extremely confused. He walked over to Sirius and wiped away the tears himself. He took Sirius's face in his hands and, ever so gently, pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Sirius melted into the kiss, clinging to his boyfriend as if his life depended on it.
"Shhh," murmured Remus, gently rubbing Sirius's back. "It's ok, it's ok. I'm here. I've got you."
Sirius sobbed into Remus's neck. He couldn't process all of the emotions running through him. "But- Remy- you- you- you were- you-"
"Shh," Remus murmured again. "I don't know what you're talking about, but it's ok. I'm right here. I'm ok."
They sat down on the couch. Sirius cuddled up to Remus, crying and clinging to him. Remus stroked his hair and whispered little things and told him that it would be ok. It was just like what Sirius always did for Remus.
Finally, Sirius pushed himself up, drying his face off. "Remy, I thought- didn't you- weren't you," he trailed off, unable to bring himself to say that one word.
Remus frowned at him, confused. "What are you talking about, Siri?"
Sirius opened his mouth, but a small whimper was the only thing that came out.
Remus ran his hand over Sirius's cheek, pulling him in for a soft kiss. Sirius closed his eyes, letting everything else drift away. But only for a moment. His eyes snapped open and he pushed Remus away.
"No," he whimpered softly, "no, no, no, no. Remy, you- you- you died." It was strangled, he had barely been able to choke out the word, even when he was alone by himself.
Remus just looked at him. "Siri, what the hell are you talking about?"
"You- you-" Sirius pointed a shaking finger at Remus. "You- you jumped, you died. The funeral. I was there. I remember."
"Siri, are you ok?"
Sirius shook his head over and over and over again. "No, no, no," he kept muttering under his breath.
Remus reached out and placed his hand over Sirius's. "I'm right here, Siri. Are you sure it wasn't a bad dream?"
"I- I don't know," faltered Sirius. He slowly relaxed, once again resting against Remus's chest.
Remus stroked his hair and hummed some vaguely familiar tune. Sirius closed his eyes and felt himself drifting off to sleep. He could feel the warmth of Remus under him and sighed contentedly. He felt safe. Everything was ok.
"Sirius!"
Sirius opened his eyes, groaning. He was laying on one of the common room couches. James stood in front of him, looking down at him.
"You good, mate?" asked James. "I've been calling your name for like 5 minutes."
Sirius gasped and sat up abruptly. "Remus! Where is he?"
James's face fell. "Siri, what are you talking about?"
Sirius stood up. "He was here! He said we were going to the lake for lunch. I remember. He was here. He kissed me. I fell asleep on him."
"Oh, Siri," breathed James sadly.
Sirius turned and looked at him. "He was ok," he said softly. "He was happy. He was here."
"Siri, it was a dream."
Sirius's face fell. He slumped down on the couch. "He was here," he whispered. "He didn't know what had happened."
"Oh, Siri."
James joined him on the couch, wrapping his arms around his friend. Sirius turned, burying his face in James's shoulder and sobbing. James swallowed the lump rising in his own throat. He rubbed Sirius's back, trying to comfort him.
"I miss him," sobbed Sirius. "I miss him so fucking much."
"I know," James said, "I know."
"Why? Why is life so fucking unfair? Is it too much to ask for life to just not be absolute shit? Oh Remy- why do the best people always get the worst of it?" Sirius hugged James tighter. "I just miss him so much," he whimpered.
"I know, I know," said James. "I do too."
A/N:
i'm sorry this took so long. i'm doing so so shitty. i can't keep doing this. i just want to fucking die
